It was the loneliness that started her off. She was fine, just as long as
she was immersed in work or some other form of activity. As long as she was
busy she was fine.
It was being different. She always had been. There wasn't much to it. Just not liking the things that others did. She never really fitted in anywhere. There was always something holding her back from others. She needed to keep her true self to herself. Trust was an issue that she had a big problem with. It wasn't as if there had ever really been any problem but something always made her cautious.
There were people around her, family. She was very close to her family, but there were so far away and she so desperately didn't want to let them down. She wanted them to think she could cope. That she was fitting in. She couldn't bare the thought of her mother being sad because of her. But friends, she always had friends, but she never let any of them close enough to know the real her. Of course they wouldn't have known that, she was very good at hiding her true feelings. But she couldn't help the loneliness. She wanted, more than anything to have someone to talk to. Someone, who would understand, not laugh at her, who wouldn't get upset by things she did or said. She wanted to love and be loved in return but the fear of sharing herself with anyone always drove her away from people. She never let anyone have a chance. It wasn't that she didn't like people, often she did, but relating to them was a different matter. It all came down to keeping herself busy, she never liked to think about herself to much, thinking made the loneliness stronger.
She was excellent at what she did; excelled in everything she tried. She pushed and pushed herself. It wasn't that she wanted to be the best, it was just that striving for that goal made all other problems vanish, she didn't have time to dwell on being alone.
She always thought that being alone would be for the best, but of course things change. As time went on she found a man who was willing to live with her closed self. He was quite similar in that respect. The bond they shared wasn't so much that of love but of understanding. But as with all things in her life, it couldn't last.
Death is a cruel fate, more to those who are left behind than those who are taken to oblivion. Two that she needed, respected were taken, her father and the man who understood. Of course she didn't allow herself the intimacy of grief. The acknowledgment that she could be hurt. So she buried herself in her work. Until someone else came along, a while later, when the pain, although not acknowledged was still there. He acted as a safety. She knew he loved her but never asked for anything in return. She used him, it wasn't something she was proud of but the feeling of never having to worry about finding someone else was so overwhelming inside that she let it take over.
But fate had another cruel twist in store. He was wrenched away from her. Her safety net was gone and she was truly alone. The nightmare situation that she had always been dreading had finally come true. She was stranded, along with over hundred other strangers, strangers who were looking to her for guidance for leadership. And she was finally alone.
And now seven years later, the feeling of being alone still remained. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was once again running from herself.
Kathryn keyed in the code for her door and walked in. flinging her jacket haphazardly on the couch and walked to the replicator. She was pulling another all nighter. It was already 0300 but she had consumed six cups of coffee since her shift ended fours hours ago. Sleep was something that she rarely had. For seven years she had been surviving on caffeine, an iron strong will power and a maximum of twelve hours of sleep a week.
It was being different. She always had been. There wasn't much to it. Just not liking the things that others did. She never really fitted in anywhere. There was always something holding her back from others. She needed to keep her true self to herself. Trust was an issue that she had a big problem with. It wasn't as if there had ever really been any problem but something always made her cautious.
There were people around her, family. She was very close to her family, but there were so far away and she so desperately didn't want to let them down. She wanted them to think she could cope. That she was fitting in. She couldn't bare the thought of her mother being sad because of her. But friends, she always had friends, but she never let any of them close enough to know the real her. Of course they wouldn't have known that, she was very good at hiding her true feelings. But she couldn't help the loneliness. She wanted, more than anything to have someone to talk to. Someone, who would understand, not laugh at her, who wouldn't get upset by things she did or said. She wanted to love and be loved in return but the fear of sharing herself with anyone always drove her away from people. She never let anyone have a chance. It wasn't that she didn't like people, often she did, but relating to them was a different matter. It all came down to keeping herself busy, she never liked to think about herself to much, thinking made the loneliness stronger.
She was excellent at what she did; excelled in everything she tried. She pushed and pushed herself. It wasn't that she wanted to be the best, it was just that striving for that goal made all other problems vanish, she didn't have time to dwell on being alone.
She always thought that being alone would be for the best, but of course things change. As time went on she found a man who was willing to live with her closed self. He was quite similar in that respect. The bond they shared wasn't so much that of love but of understanding. But as with all things in her life, it couldn't last.
Death is a cruel fate, more to those who are left behind than those who are taken to oblivion. Two that she needed, respected were taken, her father and the man who understood. Of course she didn't allow herself the intimacy of grief. The acknowledgment that she could be hurt. So she buried herself in her work. Until someone else came along, a while later, when the pain, although not acknowledged was still there. He acted as a safety. She knew he loved her but never asked for anything in return. She used him, it wasn't something she was proud of but the feeling of never having to worry about finding someone else was so overwhelming inside that she let it take over.
But fate had another cruel twist in store. He was wrenched away from her. Her safety net was gone and she was truly alone. The nightmare situation that she had always been dreading had finally come true. She was stranded, along with over hundred other strangers, strangers who were looking to her for guidance for leadership. And she was finally alone.
And now seven years later, the feeling of being alone still remained. Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager was once again running from herself.
Kathryn keyed in the code for her door and walked in. flinging her jacket haphazardly on the couch and walked to the replicator. She was pulling another all nighter. It was already 0300 but she had consumed six cups of coffee since her shift ended fours hours ago. Sleep was something that she rarely had. For seven years she had been surviving on caffeine, an iron strong will power and a maximum of twelve hours of sleep a week.