Thief by Our Lady Peace
I don't want to understand this horror
There's a weight in your eyes that I can't admit
Everybody ends up here in bottles
But the name tags the last thing that you wanted
As the world explodes we fall out of it
But we can't let go because this
Will not go away
There's a house built out in space...
I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend
But I can be your....
Someone help us understand who ordered
This disgusting arrangement with time and the end
I don't want to hear who walked on water
Because the hallways are empty and the clock ticks
FLASH BACK
Lex sat in the corner of his bed, pressed into the corner against the wall, chewing his short nails on one hand with anxiety whilst in the other shaky hand he held a half empty bottle of beer. He was just dreading what he felt he knew was to come. He made a mistake, a terrible mistake, an utterly stupid terrible drunken mistake. Now he knew his older tougher only and best mate would hate him. He closed his eyes and rocked slightly, before he jumped slightly, at the expectance of the door bursting open and a fuming Ryan storming in. "Ryan I can"-
"Shut up Lex!" Ryan snapped angrily, and his blazing eyes stared at Lex, "I don't want to hear your excuses, your lies- you make me sick you know that!" his words made Lex flinch.
"Please Ryan it was a mistake I"-
"I told you to shut up!" Ryan sneered and stomped angrily over to the edge of the bed watching Lex tense up. "How could you Lex? How could you do that to me? How could you try it on with Salene?"
"I didn't mean to" Lex sounded unusually quiet, "I was drunk I"-
"So that makes it okay?" Ryan asked with an unhappy laugh as he ripped the bottle of beer from Lex's hand and held it up, "blame it on the drink? God look at you Lex, look in the mirror, look what you've become!" he yelled and pointed to the mirror on the opposite wall.
Lex looked over numbly and saw his reflection. He stared at what he hated stare back, he didn't like what he saw, and he had to look away. He couldn't bear looking in that mirror.
"You're just like your father" Ryan sneered coldly and Lex looked up with obvious pain in his eyes.
"I'm nothing like him!" Lex protested weakly, feeling somewhat naked without the bottle of beer in his hand.
"Look at you!" Ryan shouted, "you're EXACTLY like him. A weak pathetic man who can't handle being sober, needs his alcohol, needs to be abusive to people and not care who he hurts, whether its his mates, family or women. What were you going to do if she didn't fight back Lex huh, hit her?"
"I wouldn't Ryan I"-
"That's bull Lex! You're always picking on your next victim to abuse verbally or something. You just can't help yourself. You could have hurt Salene and if you had I would kill you Lex, you know that" Ryan spoke with bitter anger. Lex had to look away and he bit his lip. "Is it some kind of power thing huh? Do you like seeing people hurt by you? Do you like being hated?"
"I'm not like him" Lex barely whispered as his eyes filled with unwanted tears.
"Wake up on smell the coffee Lex!" Ryan growled and grabbed Lex, yanking him from the bed and feeling Lex tense up with fear beneathe his hands, "Look at yourself!" he whirled him around to face the mirror and Lex closed his eyes, trying to shrug Ryan off but he couldn't.
"Ryan let go!. Let go Ryan you're hurting me!" Lex pleaded brokenly.
"You could've hurt Salene, and you wouldn't have stopped yourself would you" Ryan sneered in Lex's ear before letting him go and Lex fell to the floor.
"I swear I didn't mean it Ryan! I'd never hurt your girl, I swear" Lex pleaded unaware of his dripping tears. Ryan couldn't turn on him could he? He wouldn't be like the others and give up on him too?
He didn't mean to hurt Salene. He was drunk and she happened to pass by. She came in asking what was wrong and for some reason he told her. Maybe it was the way she sounded so genuinely concerned, like she wanted to care and help that made him tell her about the nightmares coming back. The ones that hadn't really ever gone away. She seemed so understanding, so nice, and that's when the alcohol took over and he found himself trying to kiss her, before she pushed him away with a look of disgust and ran off. Just like everyone else - he thinks he can trust them, he tells them, but they always push him away. How could Salene have gone to Ryan and told him that Lex tried something on? She should've known he didn't mean it, it was just the alcohol!
"You make me sick Lex" Ryan sneered looking down at him, "if you're not satisfied by hurting the people around you, then you're looking for people to hate you and hurt you instead. And sometimes I think you deserve it. And you know what, sometimes I think you wanted and deserved the abuse your father gave you"
Lex looked up shakily with absolute shock over his face as tears leaked out from his painfilled eyes. He couldn't believe it, couldn't believe Ryan was saying those things. After all the trust he felt he could have in Ryan, and told him all those haunting pain filled memories, and Ryan went and said THAT? He couldn't mean it, it was just the anger. "How could you say that Ryan" he choked out through tears.
"I swear Lex, if you even look at Salene again, let alone go near her or anything, I will tear you apart. I will kill you Lex, so if I was you I'd stay away from us" Ryan spoke with disgust before turning and heading to the door, leaving Lex sprawled on the floor weeping.
"Ryan I'm sorry!" Lex begged.
"I'm fed up of hearing your sorry Lex, you never are" Ryan spoke not looking back before exiting the room. Lex just stared at the empty space of the door in horror, feeling his heart beat seemingly explode. He just lost his best friend, because of his own stupid mistake.
After a long while, of silently crying in shock and loss, he shakily got up and exited the room, head down, and kept walking quickly. He reached the stairs and as he glanced up he saw her. He saw Salene look at him, with a sad look on her face, almost sor- he looked back down at the floor and ran the rest of the way out. He found himself soon inside the car, with the door slammed shut and the rain began to fall outside, in time with his fresh new fall of tears.
He sobbed silently as he sat in the carseat, staring ahead through the window at the rain falling from a dark clouded sky. His shaky hands reached into his jacket pocket where he pulled out his trusty pocket knife. He held it tight in his hand and shakily held it out. He flipped the shiny blade out and watched the light shimmer off it. He stared at it silently, mouth open slightly. His knife had been with him most his life, through the good and bad times. It never turned against him.not like-
He looked up and saw a pen on the dashboard. Swallowing, Lex picked up the pen with his other hand, then before he knew it he was rummaging around for paper. When he found a piece he spread it on on the dashboard and held the pen above the paper. He hadn't written anything in a long time. The last time he'd written anything it was. it was almost the same as this letter.
Shakily he wrote, and watched the ink form letters on the page, through his blurry eyes as he hurriedly wrote and silently cried.
'I never meant to be like this. I never meant to be this cruel guy that everyone hates. I never meant to hurt people like I do, I don't mean to say or do the things I do but I can't help it. I try not to but it just happens and I feel like I'm cursed. I'm just like him, and it hurts so bad. I promised myself I'd never be like him, but what do you know, I am. I have all this hate and anger inside, and I can't let it all out. When I shout or yell, or be nasty or do something bad or stupid, only a small part of my pain in let out. I want to scream and break down, just let it all out but I can't. I harm people to let out my pain, just like he, my father did. I used to harm myself to get out my pain instead of taking it on other people, but it wasn't enough. It was never good enough, just like me. I'll never be good enough for anyone's expectations. I'll never do anything right or be liked, I'm just the kid everyone hates. Its always been like that why should things change now. I feel so tormented inside. I feel so dirty, and its always in my body, like its running through my veins. All because of the things he did to me. Maybe if he wasn't such a ******* I wouldn't be one now. Maybe I was always just meant to be a jerk or something. I hate what he did to me, its always in my mind, I'm constantly reminded. I keep getting nightmares over it, and its ripping me apart. Its like these nightmares happen when I'm awake as well as asleep. I'm always reminded. Just the way people look at me with disgust and look at me with hate, takes me back to all those times my father abused me. I was never meant to be liked. I was never meant to feel love, or have friends, or anything like that. I've always just meant to be abused. I feel abused all the time. Verbally, mentally, physically - all the time, and my father really knew how to inflict it on me. He sexually abused me. And I didn't do anything to stop it, stop him. I just waited and waited praying it would stop because I'm so weak and pathetic and waited until he died. I thought I'd be free but I'm not. Now instead I'm just like him. And the only way I can stop being like this is if I die too'.
Lex signed it off and by now was in full blown tears as he finished writing. He stared down at the letter beneathe his hands, letting his eyes scan the words and sink into his brain. It was all there, all plainly, simply written. He stared hard at the letters and sucked in a deep breath as he dropped the pen and shakily picked up the piece of paper. His penknife clattered off the dashboard and fell to rest just underneath his seat. He was about to pick it back up when a movement to the side caused him to jump and look up.
It was Ryan. He panicked so Lex quickly shoved the letter into the glove compartment and slammed it shut as the car door was opened. I thought I locked it, Lex stupidly thought as Ryan peered through at Lex, who bit his lip and stared back with wet dark eyes.
"Lex thank god you're here I thought you might have." Ryan trailed off and had this guilty look on his face before he crouched down, "God Lex I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have said those things okay, it was really bad of me. I was just angry you know, and I took it out on y-.. I'm just so sorry Lex. Please forgive me" he pleaded.
Lex just stared at him for a long while before he said, "well all those things needed to be said really" as a cold tear slipped down his cheek.
"No.. no they shouldn't have. I should be helping you you know, not. not yelling at you and making you feel any worse. I realize it was just a mistake, a drunken mistake. and I should be helping you, to beat this drinking problem, before something really bad does happen" Ryan spoke, and the rain fell down on him and came into the car pattering on Lex, making him blink.
"I'm really sorry Ryan" Lex whispered and blinked looking down.
"Me too Lex, me too" Ryan said as he took a hold of Lex's arm and pulled him out the car, closing the door shut. Lex glanced back to the car as Ryan led him away, holding his arm making sure he was close by his side.
That night Lex managed to get away and snuck back to the car, taking his pocketknife back. He slammed the door and walked away, leaving behind the forgotten letter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why didn't you tell us Lex?" Bray's voice sounded far away and muffled as Lex stared into space. He barely noticed that Bray had arrived, let alone was talking to him. He didn't move his dark eyes from the space where he was staring.
Lex's dry lips parted enough for him to mumble numbly "I couldn't"
"God Lex. you should have told us. You should have let us known, we could have helped you, we could've talked you know. You should have spoken to me, instead of doing.doing this.to yourself. There's better ways of dealing with the pain, then by doing this" Bray spoke and stared at the white bandages wrapped around Lex's now pale arms.
As the last of Bray's words sunk in Lex's mind drifted back to the past as he muttered "I know"
I don't want to understand this horror
There's a weight in your eyes that I can't admit
Everybody ends up here in bottles
But the name tags the last thing that you wanted
As the world explodes we fall out of it
But we can't let go because this
Will not go away
There's a house built out in space...
I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend
But I can be your....
Someone help us understand who ordered
This disgusting arrangement with time and the end
I don't want to hear who walked on water
Because the hallways are empty and the clock ticks
FLASH BACK
Lex sat in the corner of his bed, pressed into the corner against the wall, chewing his short nails on one hand with anxiety whilst in the other shaky hand he held a half empty bottle of beer. He was just dreading what he felt he knew was to come. He made a mistake, a terrible mistake, an utterly stupid terrible drunken mistake. Now he knew his older tougher only and best mate would hate him. He closed his eyes and rocked slightly, before he jumped slightly, at the expectance of the door bursting open and a fuming Ryan storming in. "Ryan I can"-
"Shut up Lex!" Ryan snapped angrily, and his blazing eyes stared at Lex, "I don't want to hear your excuses, your lies- you make me sick you know that!" his words made Lex flinch.
"Please Ryan it was a mistake I"-
"I told you to shut up!" Ryan sneered and stomped angrily over to the edge of the bed watching Lex tense up. "How could you Lex? How could you do that to me? How could you try it on with Salene?"
"I didn't mean to" Lex sounded unusually quiet, "I was drunk I"-
"So that makes it okay?" Ryan asked with an unhappy laugh as he ripped the bottle of beer from Lex's hand and held it up, "blame it on the drink? God look at you Lex, look in the mirror, look what you've become!" he yelled and pointed to the mirror on the opposite wall.
Lex looked over numbly and saw his reflection. He stared at what he hated stare back, he didn't like what he saw, and he had to look away. He couldn't bear looking in that mirror.
"You're just like your father" Ryan sneered coldly and Lex looked up with obvious pain in his eyes.
"I'm nothing like him!" Lex protested weakly, feeling somewhat naked without the bottle of beer in his hand.
"Look at you!" Ryan shouted, "you're EXACTLY like him. A weak pathetic man who can't handle being sober, needs his alcohol, needs to be abusive to people and not care who he hurts, whether its his mates, family or women. What were you going to do if she didn't fight back Lex huh, hit her?"
"I wouldn't Ryan I"-
"That's bull Lex! You're always picking on your next victim to abuse verbally or something. You just can't help yourself. You could have hurt Salene and if you had I would kill you Lex, you know that" Ryan spoke with bitter anger. Lex had to look away and he bit his lip. "Is it some kind of power thing huh? Do you like seeing people hurt by you? Do you like being hated?"
"I'm not like him" Lex barely whispered as his eyes filled with unwanted tears.
"Wake up on smell the coffee Lex!" Ryan growled and grabbed Lex, yanking him from the bed and feeling Lex tense up with fear beneathe his hands, "Look at yourself!" he whirled him around to face the mirror and Lex closed his eyes, trying to shrug Ryan off but he couldn't.
"Ryan let go!. Let go Ryan you're hurting me!" Lex pleaded brokenly.
"You could've hurt Salene, and you wouldn't have stopped yourself would you" Ryan sneered in Lex's ear before letting him go and Lex fell to the floor.
"I swear I didn't mean it Ryan! I'd never hurt your girl, I swear" Lex pleaded unaware of his dripping tears. Ryan couldn't turn on him could he? He wouldn't be like the others and give up on him too?
He didn't mean to hurt Salene. He was drunk and she happened to pass by. She came in asking what was wrong and for some reason he told her. Maybe it was the way she sounded so genuinely concerned, like she wanted to care and help that made him tell her about the nightmares coming back. The ones that hadn't really ever gone away. She seemed so understanding, so nice, and that's when the alcohol took over and he found himself trying to kiss her, before she pushed him away with a look of disgust and ran off. Just like everyone else - he thinks he can trust them, he tells them, but they always push him away. How could Salene have gone to Ryan and told him that Lex tried something on? She should've known he didn't mean it, it was just the alcohol!
"You make me sick Lex" Ryan sneered looking down at him, "if you're not satisfied by hurting the people around you, then you're looking for people to hate you and hurt you instead. And sometimes I think you deserve it. And you know what, sometimes I think you wanted and deserved the abuse your father gave you"
Lex looked up shakily with absolute shock over his face as tears leaked out from his painfilled eyes. He couldn't believe it, couldn't believe Ryan was saying those things. After all the trust he felt he could have in Ryan, and told him all those haunting pain filled memories, and Ryan went and said THAT? He couldn't mean it, it was just the anger. "How could you say that Ryan" he choked out through tears.
"I swear Lex, if you even look at Salene again, let alone go near her or anything, I will tear you apart. I will kill you Lex, so if I was you I'd stay away from us" Ryan spoke with disgust before turning and heading to the door, leaving Lex sprawled on the floor weeping.
"Ryan I'm sorry!" Lex begged.
"I'm fed up of hearing your sorry Lex, you never are" Ryan spoke not looking back before exiting the room. Lex just stared at the empty space of the door in horror, feeling his heart beat seemingly explode. He just lost his best friend, because of his own stupid mistake.
After a long while, of silently crying in shock and loss, he shakily got up and exited the room, head down, and kept walking quickly. He reached the stairs and as he glanced up he saw her. He saw Salene look at him, with a sad look on her face, almost sor- he looked back down at the floor and ran the rest of the way out. He found himself soon inside the car, with the door slammed shut and the rain began to fall outside, in time with his fresh new fall of tears.
He sobbed silently as he sat in the carseat, staring ahead through the window at the rain falling from a dark clouded sky. His shaky hands reached into his jacket pocket where he pulled out his trusty pocket knife. He held it tight in his hand and shakily held it out. He flipped the shiny blade out and watched the light shimmer off it. He stared at it silently, mouth open slightly. His knife had been with him most his life, through the good and bad times. It never turned against him.not like-
He looked up and saw a pen on the dashboard. Swallowing, Lex picked up the pen with his other hand, then before he knew it he was rummaging around for paper. When he found a piece he spread it on on the dashboard and held the pen above the paper. He hadn't written anything in a long time. The last time he'd written anything it was. it was almost the same as this letter.
Shakily he wrote, and watched the ink form letters on the page, through his blurry eyes as he hurriedly wrote and silently cried.
'I never meant to be like this. I never meant to be this cruel guy that everyone hates. I never meant to hurt people like I do, I don't mean to say or do the things I do but I can't help it. I try not to but it just happens and I feel like I'm cursed. I'm just like him, and it hurts so bad. I promised myself I'd never be like him, but what do you know, I am. I have all this hate and anger inside, and I can't let it all out. When I shout or yell, or be nasty or do something bad or stupid, only a small part of my pain in let out. I want to scream and break down, just let it all out but I can't. I harm people to let out my pain, just like he, my father did. I used to harm myself to get out my pain instead of taking it on other people, but it wasn't enough. It was never good enough, just like me. I'll never be good enough for anyone's expectations. I'll never do anything right or be liked, I'm just the kid everyone hates. Its always been like that why should things change now. I feel so tormented inside. I feel so dirty, and its always in my body, like its running through my veins. All because of the things he did to me. Maybe if he wasn't such a ******* I wouldn't be one now. Maybe I was always just meant to be a jerk or something. I hate what he did to me, its always in my mind, I'm constantly reminded. I keep getting nightmares over it, and its ripping me apart. Its like these nightmares happen when I'm awake as well as asleep. I'm always reminded. Just the way people look at me with disgust and look at me with hate, takes me back to all those times my father abused me. I was never meant to be liked. I was never meant to feel love, or have friends, or anything like that. I've always just meant to be abused. I feel abused all the time. Verbally, mentally, physically - all the time, and my father really knew how to inflict it on me. He sexually abused me. And I didn't do anything to stop it, stop him. I just waited and waited praying it would stop because I'm so weak and pathetic and waited until he died. I thought I'd be free but I'm not. Now instead I'm just like him. And the only way I can stop being like this is if I die too'.
Lex signed it off and by now was in full blown tears as he finished writing. He stared down at the letter beneathe his hands, letting his eyes scan the words and sink into his brain. It was all there, all plainly, simply written. He stared hard at the letters and sucked in a deep breath as he dropped the pen and shakily picked up the piece of paper. His penknife clattered off the dashboard and fell to rest just underneath his seat. He was about to pick it back up when a movement to the side caused him to jump and look up.
It was Ryan. He panicked so Lex quickly shoved the letter into the glove compartment and slammed it shut as the car door was opened. I thought I locked it, Lex stupidly thought as Ryan peered through at Lex, who bit his lip and stared back with wet dark eyes.
"Lex thank god you're here I thought you might have." Ryan trailed off and had this guilty look on his face before he crouched down, "God Lex I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have said those things okay, it was really bad of me. I was just angry you know, and I took it out on y-.. I'm just so sorry Lex. Please forgive me" he pleaded.
Lex just stared at him for a long while before he said, "well all those things needed to be said really" as a cold tear slipped down his cheek.
"No.. no they shouldn't have. I should be helping you you know, not. not yelling at you and making you feel any worse. I realize it was just a mistake, a drunken mistake. and I should be helping you, to beat this drinking problem, before something really bad does happen" Ryan spoke, and the rain fell down on him and came into the car pattering on Lex, making him blink.
"I'm really sorry Ryan" Lex whispered and blinked looking down.
"Me too Lex, me too" Ryan said as he took a hold of Lex's arm and pulled him out the car, closing the door shut. Lex glanced back to the car as Ryan led him away, holding his arm making sure he was close by his side.
That night Lex managed to get away and snuck back to the car, taking his pocketknife back. He slammed the door and walked away, leaving behind the forgotten letter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Why didn't you tell us Lex?" Bray's voice sounded far away and muffled as Lex stared into space. He barely noticed that Bray had arrived, let alone was talking to him. He didn't move his dark eyes from the space where he was staring.
Lex's dry lips parted enough for him to mumble numbly "I couldn't"
"God Lex. you should have told us. You should have let us known, we could have helped you, we could've talked you know. You should have spoken to me, instead of doing.doing this.to yourself. There's better ways of dealing with the pain, then by doing this" Bray spoke and stared at the white bandages wrapped around Lex's now pale arms.
As the last of Bray's words sunk in Lex's mind drifted back to the past as he muttered "I know"