Putting On Heirs Part 1 Fix1 House Remix version
Rumiko Takahashi created Ranma 1/2 and Urusei Yatsura characters. They are used without permission.
A Good Day
A chill fall evening found a diminutive old man walking through a quiet Nerima neighborhood. For once, his mind was so lost in thought that he only accosted every third girl he came across.
"Sweeto!"
*SLAP*
'Hmm, the girls are quick around here. I hate to admit it, but maybe I'm getting old,' he thought plaintively as he rubbed his sore cheek.
It hadn't been the slap just now that caused the tenderness to his face… that was a love tap. No, earlier in the evening, Ranma had been entirely too successful in penetrating his defenses. The day was fast approaching when Ranma would unquestioningly beat him.
'So? What was wrong with that? Was that not the cycle of things, the student surpassing the master.' He continued his slow pace down the street.
"Hotcha! How 'bout a...."
*WHAM*
'The girls are incredibly quick around here. You'd think they were expecting to be atta... approached,' he mused to himself while extracting his body out of a wall. Returning to his previous thoughts he continued his walk.
'Wasn't my original purpose in going to the dojo, the passing on of the Anything Goes School to either Soun or Genma? Well, that and tormenting them for leaving me in that damn cave… not to mention reacquainting myself with Soun's three daughters.'
"Hey! Pretty ladies wanna...."
*Sssshhhhh*
Rubbing his eyes, he used his tongue to clean the spray from his face.
'Mace? No… pepper spray. Boy! The girls around here are on their toes!' He smiled; he would have to remember this place for his next training trip.
'So it's to be neither Genma nor Soun, but Genma's son. That's not a problem. Moreover, Ranma is the best martial artist I've ever seen. Not that he'll hear that from me. And he is still so young. There is so much more life out there for him to experience. He will only get better. Not that I'll tell him that either. The thought of Ranma being stuck in a dusty old dojo all day, teaching beginners how to do a "roundhouse" kick is ludicrous. I may have to do something about that....'
Taking a look at his surroundings, he realized he was rather lost. He approached a young woman and tapped her on the thigh.
"Excuse me, could you tell me where I...."
"RAPE!" the woman screamed and ran off.
'Where in Hell am I?" he wondered and continued down the now deserted street. Now that the time had come, was it fear that kept him from passing on the mantle? In the end, with everything said and done, was he a coward? No, he was a lot of things, but he was no coward, at least not really. No longer being the Master of the Anything Goes Schools was not what was bothering him. He had founded the school; he would always have a place in its history.
He bounded up a telephone pole and perched himself on top.
The sole problem with Ranma was... He didn't completely embody the Anything Goes Schools. There were some techniques Ranma would simply never use, the prude.
'With me gone, the techniques would be lost forever,' he thought dejectedly. But what choice was there. Ranma would never use the "Silky Storm", the "Bean Jam Blowout" or countless others.
"PRACTICALLY HALF THE SCHOOL WILL BE LOST TO HISTORY! " he shouted out to the night sky. It answered.
There was a twinkling in the sky. It looked like a falling star, but he could tell by the whistling sound that was quickly becoming louder, what the object was.
"INCOMING!"
A charred, blackened body impacted hard against a wall opposite to where Happosai sat. It slowly slid down the wall and into a dumpster. Happosai hopped down to investigate. Inside the dumpster was a young man, looking to be in his late teens. He appeared as if he had been in a fire. Bruises, burns, and numerous contusions covered his body, but these were not what caught Happi's eye. The young man held in one of his hands, a scrap of dress. Slowly the body stirred and mumbled something incoherent; Happosai quickly tapped a point on the young man's neck. The body again slumped to the ground, asleep.
Dragging the man out the trash, Happosai gave him the once over. Many of the bruises had begun to heal, and except for the burned clothing, you could no longer tell he had been in a fire. Looking a little closer, Happi saw that the man had a scrap of bra along with the piece of dress. It took a bit of effort, but finally, Happosai was able to relieve the unconscious boy of his prize. Examining the scraps, Happosai let out an appreciative whistle. The boy had a good eye.
Patting him down, Happosai discovered four other items: a little black book (the condensed fourth edition with cross reference), a small doll with green hair and horns, a school id, and a jewelry box complete with ring.
"People these days. How wasteful! Throwing away a perfectly good Japanese boy like this. Better than good actually, you, my boy, have potential. Yes, raw talent aplenty. All you need is a little spit and polish. How would you like to be one of the heirs to the exclusive Anything Goes School?" he asked the unconscious boy. Grabbing the young man's head, Happosai helped him nod "yes".
"Excellent choice..." he looked at the school id in his hands, "...Ataru. There is just one thing about you that bothers me," Happosai said looking at the ring box.
He would much rather prefer a student without any attachments, but the more he looked down at the young man, the more he saw himself in his youth lying prone on the ground. His resolve hardened.
"Considering where it was I found you; this will be doing you a favor. Believe me, I've been where you are now," he finished somewhat regretfully. "Can't change the past... not that I want to."
He let the thought pass. Placing the young man in a sack, he threw him over his shoulder and prepared to leap off.
"Hey! Where are you going with that idiot?"
Happosai deftly dodged the burst of flame, despite the large burden he carried. Again he perched himself on top of a telephone pole and looked down upon his attacker, a floating toddler in a tiger striped diaper.
'Seen stranger things,' he mused to himself. He called down to the small oni, "Idiot? Well then, I guess I'm doing you a favor. Don't worry this idiot is no longer your concern. No need to thank me." He waved his hands dismissively.
"Hold it!"
Another burst of flame shot out at Happosai.
"I guess I know part of what happened to you," Happy said to his sleeping charge. Jumping down from the pole before the flame could reach him, he closed the distance between himself and Jariten.
Ten couldn't believe how fast the old man was. Again and again he tried to hit the old man, not once coming close. Out of breath, he fell to the ground. Happosai walked up to him and placed the ring box in Ten's hand.
"Here, for your trouble. He's not going to need it. He'll be far too busy with the training," and with that said, Happosai seemed to vanish it to the night air.
Ten looked all about for a sign that would tell him, which direction they went, but there was none. They had simply disappeared. He opened the small box and sighed.
"What am I going to tell Lum-chan."
It was a sad, sad night at the Tendo Dojo.
"Don't go Master, don't go," Soun said through a river of tears as he quickly gathered Happosai's few belongings and threw them out the front door.
Happosai ignored the affront. He had swiftly made his way back to the dojo, and announced to a stunned audience, his retirement. He also told them that he would be leaving for a time.
'But... but Master, where will you go? I hear that Bosnia is nice. Why now?" Genma asked, kneeling beside his Master. He was doing his best to hide his glee. That was when he noticed a pale hand poking out of the large sack Happosai carried on his back.
Happy noticed Genma staring. "Because the time has come for me to pass on the mantle of leadership to my Anything Goes School." Turning to Genma, he added, "and YOU didn't see nothin'."
"Right! Right! I didn't see a thing. Genma said, rapidly nodding his head. On his hands and knees, he quickly backed away from his former Master.
With his precious items of female undies packed and tossed in the sack, Happosai placed them outside the door and away from prying eyes. Purposefully, he walked towards Ranma, his hand extended to shake hands.
"Ranma, train hard. When I return, I will name you, head of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts."
Ranma cautiously put out his hand. "Yeah, right, whatever," he deadpanned, not letting his guard down. He was surprised when all Happosai did was shake his hand.
Walking towards the door, Happosai said his final good-byes and was gone.
"NO~O! MASTER! DON'T GO!" Soun yelled into the night, the tears sting his eyes as he fell to his knees in the doorway. Soon, Genma walked over and joined him in silent prayer.
After a moment or two, once they were sure Happosai was truly gone, both men jumped to their feet and a joyous jig, hand in hand.
"Tra la la la"
With the excitement over, Kasumi returned to the kitchen and Nabiki to her room, leaving the two dancing fathers, Ranma and Akane.
Akane approached Ranma as he stood on the veranda.
"Do you really think he meant it? About retiring and leaving?' Akane asked, joining Ranma in his vigil.
"Don't be stupid. He's out there somewhere, just waiting for us to drop our guard... so he can grope us."
Akane glared at him for a second, but refused to let herself become angry. I don't know, Ranma. He seemed pretty sincere," Akane answered back and then yawned. "Anyway, I'm going to bed. You should too, we have school tomorrow."
"I will in a sec, good night Akane."
"Night, Ranma," Akane said and went upstairs to her room.
Ranma continued to peer into the cold fall sky. The old lech did sound rather sincere Ranma had to admit. Plus, he rather liked the idea of being the new Master of the Anything Goes School. Not even his father could claim that feather.
"Good riddance," he said, waving a hand dismissively and turning back into the house.
He hadn't taken more than two steps before a splash of cold water triggered his curse.
"One for the road, sweet cheeks," Happy replied from his strategic position between the fore mentioned cheeks.
Ranma-chan screamed in frustration, spinning around in an attempt to dislodge the pervert.
"I *KNEW* you were lying," she shouted, finally succeeding in freeing herself. She promptly punted him half way to China, which oddly enough was his destination.
Six months later...
Something was horribly wrong. He could sense it. There was a tangible feel to the air. It was a pleasantly warm April day. Birds were singing and the sky was painted a radiant blue, speckled just right with bright white clouds. You didn't have to be a world-class martial artist to sense the universal imbalance of it all, the evil in the air.
A boy with a mane of brown hair and a girl with luminous green hair, both around five years old, one chasing the other, ran up to him. Giggling and laughing, they circled around his legs, once, twice and then thrice before continuing on with their game of tag. A smile crept to Ranma's face as he watched the two children run off. He was about to chalk up his earlier feelings of apprehension up to stress, when he heard a voice.
"Ominous"
Ranma was about to turn in the direction he heard the voice, but a sudden chill ran down his spine. His smile grew. A fight was just what he needed to shake off the strangeness in the air. He quickly scanned the area for the impending attack, but none came. Scratching his head in confusion, he quickened his pace home. Whoever had spoken was gone, but he still had let his guard down too soon.
*RING* *RING*
He immediately relaxed his body, looking to move with blow and lessen the chance for injury. When several seconds had passed with no blow, he straightened and looked around.
"Nihao Ranma, beautiful day, yes?" Shampoo said riding past on her bicycle and blowing him a kiss.
"Uh... yeah. I guess. You makin' a delivery?"
"No, Shampoo just go for ride and enjoy beautiful day by self," she shouted back at him nearly out of sight.
'What, no glomp? No askin' for a date?' Ranma shook his head in disbelief. He had of a mind to see what was wrong with her, but for once, reason won out over ego and curiosity.
Ominous indeed
Again, he turned towards the dojo, at a slight jog now. He had gotten several blocks when he heard yet another familiar voice.
"Nice day for a stroll, is it not my sister?"
"Yes, brother dear, it is indeed. I can not remember a finer day."
"Oh, look! Is that not Saotome?"
"I do believe that is my Ranma-sama, brother dear."
"Ah! Saotome!" the older Kuno waved.
Ranma stared wide-eyed at the brother sister pair as they strolled arm in arm down the street. Slowly he nodded his head in return to their greeting and watched them gaily meander past him.
"Pods," was his only verbal response before he turned on the balls of his feet and ran towards the Tendo dojo. He was in sight of its gates when a little grayed haired woman popped out from behind a fence, ready to drench him with a bucket of water.
He welcomed the sight with out stretched arms.
'Ah, normalcy,' his mind breathed in relief, glad to be back in familiar territory. But no stress relieving waters came.
"Close one, eh Ranma?"
Ranma opened one eye, and not believing what he saw, opened the other for a second opinion. Ryouga stood a foot away, his opened umbrella having protected Ranma from the impending deluge. Shaking the water from it, Ryouga closed the umbrella and returned it to its place. Without waiting for a word of gratitude, Ryouga continued on his way, not even stopping to say 'hi' to Akane.
Now Ranma was not a religious person. His martial arts was his religion and his hands were his gods, but what he saw as his eyes followed Ryouga's departure, coupled with the events of the day made him wonder. A miniature monk in full garb was staring directly at him. The monk then took out his prayer beads and placing them abreast of his chest, bowed to Ranma.
The monk watched silently as Ranma burst through the gates of the dojo and hoped he had arrived in time, Buddha be praised.
Ranma ran into the house out of breath. Today was just too much. It was either one huge conspiracy to drive him insane or it was the end of the world. Ranma found each scenario equally plausible. Going into the kitchen, he took a large pitcher from a cupboard and began to fill it with cold water. Both Kasumi and Akane watched him as he gulped down the entire pitcher. Surprisingly, he didn't get enough water on him to activate his curse.
"Busy day, Ranma?" Kasumi asked wiping her hands on her apron.
"Not busy, weird. I think it might be the end of the world. You know the signs. All sorts of weird things happenin', dogs and cats livin' together and stuff like that," he said between gulps. Wiping his mouth, he placed the pitcher in the sink. "You know, what's the Christian word... 'Reclamation'."
"Do you mean Revelation, the Apocalypse, Armageddon?" Kasumi asked.
"Yeah, that's it. You seen Akane," he asked running out of the kitchen.
"She's right here." Kasumi pointed toward the stove where Akane was busy battling a boiling pot, not even noticing Ranma's exit. "DINNER WILL BE READY IN A MINUTE!" Kasumi shouted after him.
"Could you please pass me s'more rice? Thanks"
"Do you like the curry, Ranma?" Kasumi asked with a slight smile on her face as she handed him a freshly filled bowl of rice. She already knew what his answer would be, she could tell by the way he inhaled his food.
Akane, who up to this point had been sitting quietly next to Ranma, became very interested in table and her eyes focused on it unmoving, though her ears waited for his answer.
"Yoom beff, iss yor bes yef." Translation: You bet, it's your best yet. Ranma apparently felt conversation was no reason to stop stuffing his face.
Akane eyes immediately flew from the observation of the table to stare at Ranma, when Genma chimed in.
"Your not kidding, this is by far the best curry I've ever tasted, next to your mother's of course." Nabiki and Soun nodded their agreement, mouths to full to reply by any other means.
Akane heard none of it. Her whole world was locked on the young man in front of her.
"Y...y... you really liked the curry, Ranma?" She did her best to suppress the smile that was slowly creeping to her face. She couldn't have heard that right.
Ranma, for his part, just stared at her uncomprehendingly, wondering what the big deal was. With a chopstick still hanging from his mouth, he simply nodded. Although Ranma was a little slow to understand, the two fathers quickly caught on to what had just transpired.
"Akane, am I to believe that you cooked tonight's dinner," Soun asked his daughter.
"Surely, Kasumi helped a little," Genma added.
Soun and Genma decided to play this one close to the hilt, not jumping to any conclusions too quickly. The implications of this event were just too important.
"Uh... Akane? Akane?" asked her father, while tapping her on the shoulder. Nothing. "Hmm... It's like we're not even here," Soun noted. He gave a quick nod to Genma, who returned it. He then gave looks to his two eldest daughters, and everyone quickly left the table, leaving Akane and Ranma alone.
"Akane... you made the curry?" Ranma asked somewhat stunned.
She nodded, 'yes'.
"You did!" he asked again grabbing her by the shoulders and looking into her eyes.
"Y... yes, I made it all myself," she said blushing. They were so close. She could feel his breath on her cheeks, her body against his. She returned his stare, losing herself in his blue gray eyes. Things had been going so well, could today be the day?
Ranma mentally slapped himself. How could he have forgotten the end of the world, The Restoration! It was the only answer. The end was nigh. He soon forgot the end of the world again as he felt Akane's body brush against his, as she stood on her toes. Her cheeks were a rosy red and her eyes were gently closed. Was she going to kiss him? Was he going to kiss her?
In a corner of the room out of the way, Soun and Genma quietly rooted their two children on, as Nabiki recorded the scene. Today was just too perfect.
"Go, go, go, go, go," Soun and Genma, cheered, waving little flags.
'Cute,' was the last thought in Ranma's mind as he bent down to meet Akane's lips, his eyes involuntarily closing.
Nabiki zoomed in.
Genma prepared to pop the cork on the champagne.
Soun readied the party poppers.
Kasumi readied her tears.
Inches away now.
WHAT A DAY!
"Tim abmimnff" Translation: 'Tis ominous.
Everybody fell to the floor, save for the Buddhist monk, who was sitting on the table gurgling down the rest of the curry. Soun streaked into the room, grabbed the monk, and launched him out the window.
"Please, just continue with what you were doing," he said to Ranma and Akane before vanishing from the room.
Sadly the moment had passed. Standing, Ranma scratched the back of his head nervously. His face was still quite red.
"Quite a day, huh?" He asked Akane.
"Uh, yeah." The monk would die.
"No! NO! CONTINUE!" Soun cried.
Ranma and Akane ignored him and went to sit on the veranda. Putting a shaky arm around Akane's shoulders, Ranma let out a contented sigh. Today was a good day. He had even managed to avoid turning into a girl. Maybe his luck was changing.
Hanging upside down in a nearby tree, the monk watched the couple. He hoped they had enjoyed Buddha's gift, because that was what the day had been... a gift. Soon, real soon, they would be hit by true chaos, like a star falling from the sky.
Cherry wasn't the only one observing the young couple. On a nearby roof top two dark figures watched them as well. Both were clad in purple ninja attire. One was almost twice the height of the other.
'Enjoy the moment while you can you two. Tomorrow your relationship ends,' the smaller ninja plotted, his mask hiding his smirk.
"That's where I should be right now!" The larger ninja pointed towards Ranma and Akane. "Why is she having all the fun?" The ninja demanded to know and began pacing back and forth on the roof, eaten up by impatience. "Look at her! Just sitting there like a stick in the mud," the ninja ripped off the uniform's mask and hood releasing a cascade of sandalwood brown hair. "She doesn't deserve a guy like that! And he doesn't deserve a docile girl like her!"
The smaller ninja raised an eyebrow at the description of Akane as docile, maybe in comparison. Everyone seemed docile when standing next to the teenage girl before him.
The taller ninja cracked her knuckles and stared at the figures of Ranma and Akane, who were oblivious to all else around them. Why, someone could just swoop down, snatch Ranma, and be twenty blocks away before Akane could blink. The ninja began to make her way to the edge of the roof before a hand stopped her.
"That can be left for tomorrow. Right now, we must test the fruits of your training!" She looked down at him with a sarcastic smile. "Not underwear again? Didn't I get enough Amazon wraps for you?"
The smaller ninja shook his head disappointedly. "I see you still have much to learn, young one. Though it is true the Amazon raid produced quite the bounty and will no doubt go down as one of the finest moments of the Anything Goes Schools..."
She smiled proudly at the praise.
"However..."
She frowned.
"One can never have enough silky darl..." He quickly covered his mouth, just catching his mistake. His young charge cocked her head and blinked at him questioningly. "Silky delights... I was going to say 'silky delights'."
The girl shrugged. "Whatever."
"You *must* learn this basic tenet, if you are to become a master of the school."
She put her hands on her hips and looked at the setting sun. "Well, sawreee! I just don't have that much interest in women's unmentionables. BLEAGH! "
'Which is a very good thing,' the smaller ninja thought with some relief. 'With your talent, you could put a serious dent in to my daily collection. Thanks to totally unforeseen events, however, and a stroke of luck, all that talent works *for* me instead of *against* me.' He laughed greedily.
His student once again made her way to the edge of the roof to abscond with Ranma.
The smaller ninja stopped laughing and cleared his throat. "Do it for me?" he asked sweetly.
She sighed and smiled also. "You know that I will. No one has taken care of me or been as nice to me as you," she said with a touch of melancholy in her voice. She kneeled down so that they were face to face and rewarded him with one of her rare heart felt smiles. He almost felt guilty looking at it. "So what's this test?"
"Three test actually, but don't you think you should change first?"
"I suppose so for appearance sake," she said reaching into her uniform for a vacuum-sealed flask. "And for some reason, these tests of yours are a lot easier this way," a now masculine voice said.
The smaller ninja cleared his voice again, before tossing an item of clothing at his protégé. "These are..." he began.
"Part of a bra and panty set from Madame Yum Yum's Spring of '98 collection. He took out a jeweler's eyepiece and examined the garment in more detail. 'Hmm… a blue hair.'
The smaller ninja's smirk broadened beneath his mask. He had never seen much talent. "Retrieve the rest of the set."
The young man stood and replaced the hood and mask over his mane of dark brown hair. "Too easy," he said confidently before disappearing from the roof.
The young ninja laughed as he dashed through the crowded evening streets. The moon was just starting its ascension and many a couple were enjoying the last hours of a pleasant April day. The ninja raced through the mass of people as if they weren't there, continuously laughing. He was very much enjoying himself. True, he had told his master that he didn't share the same passion for underwear and he didn't. What he did crave, however, and what these excursions did provide in abundance was a good hunt. The thrill of the chase was an intoxication, a drug, and he was an addict. If only someone were pursuing him right now, THEN it would be perfect.
In a single leap he bound to the top of a light pole as it clicked several times trying to activate. He surveyed the concrete jungle with proud hungry eyes. It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed the past six months in China training in the *Arts*, and it wasn't that he didn't love the grandeur of the countryside and nature itself. It was just good to be back in the city amongst people. Although much of his past eluded him, he was sure of one thing: He was a child of the harsh urban environment, born and bred. The feeling overwhelmed him and he could no longer contain it.
"MWAAHAHAA..." He laughed, spreading wide his arms, and putting the fear of God into those within earshot.
That was when it hit him. You could call it a sixth sense and it was not unlike a martial artist's sense of impending danger. It was just as finely tuned as well. She was nearby... about five blocks north and three blocks over. He took the garment given to him by his teacher and placing it in both hands, held his arms out before him like a divining rod. His image blurred for a moment and then was gone, leaving a swirl of cherry blossoms in his wake.
She would break his skinny duck neck next time she saw him. What parts of 'leave me the Hell alone' did he not understand? She stormed into the washroom of the Cat Café and began filling the tub with steaming water.
'It had been such a nice day too!' She had wanted to spend it quietly thinking of ways to make Ranma open his eyes to all she had to offer. She angrily grabbed the towel her ninja attendant handed her.
"But NO! That stupid Mousse had to hound me all day without a moments respite," she lashed out in her native tongue.
The ninja attendant just shook his head sympathetically.
"I can't remember the last time I had a day off from the restaurant!" She let out totally absorbed in her rage.
Her ninja attendant busily picked up her dirty clothing, paying particular attention to a black lace bra, which he noted with some a frown was larger than the one he normally wore... when he wore one. Sometimes he liked to let them go free… anyway that was a thought for later. Finishing, he waited patiently by the door.
The bath now full and steam billowing through out the room, Shampoo turned off the faucet. Walking over to the far wall, she grabbed a small bench. Sitting it upright she noted her attendant waiting quietly and dismissed him with a wave of her hand. He nodded and left. Picking up the hand held showerhead, she began washing herself, still quite furious.
The ninja quickly and stealthily made his way to the rear of the restaurant and the door to the alleyway. Not only had he passed his test, he had a little bit extra. Quite pleased with himself, he exited through the door and was about to make good his escape when he just barely avoided being decapitated.
"WHO ARE YOU! And what are you doing with Shampoo's clothes!" A tall figure in white demanded. With a jerk of his wrist, the sickle and chain that had impacted in the wall just behind the ninja snapped back into his hand.
The ninja chuckled confidently, showing no signs of fear as he tried to see his attacker in the darkened alley. "My name... my name is... umm... my name is Shurato Mendou!" Yeah, that sounded like the name of a pervert, who would steal women's underwear. "The Silken Stalker!"
Mousse stepped out of the shadows of the alley way and into the light. "Well, Mr. Shutaro Mendou, The Silken Stalker, you made a fatal mistake assaulting my Shampoo! Now, prepare..."
"You are so *handsome*," the ninja proclaimed now less than a meter in front of Mousse. Mousse hadn't even seen him move. "You want to go out for tea sometime?"
Mousse was taken a back and lost his bloodlust for a moment. "Uh... no.'
"Okay then," the ninja said, not the least bit discouraged by the rebuff. "How about a movie?" His eyes sparkled and he smiled brilliantly.
"No!" Mousse shouted, accentuating his answer with a quick punch aimed at the ninja's head.
"Dinner?" The ninja asked casually moving his head from one side to another, avoiding Mousse's continued attempts.
"NO!"
"Baseball game?"
"NO!" Mousse yelled with growing frustration and a crescent kick.
The ninja bent over backwards at the waist, avoiding the kick. "Aquarium?" He asked coming upright again.
"No! Damn it!" Mousse shouted out with a fury of blows, none of which connected.
"Hiroshi's House of Heavenly Hentai Hijinx?"
"I said..." Mousse jumped back several feet, "NO!" And unleashed a torrent of throwing stars. "I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU!"
His aim was perfect, as the ninja clad figure clenched at his chest in pain and fell backwards in to a group of trashcans. They were sent sprawling through the alley with a crash. Mousse laughed lightly to himself as he walked up to the spilled pile of trash. Looking to unmask the cur, who was ignorant enough to attack Shampoo and challenge him to combat, he bent down and began to rifle through the spilt garbage. All he could find was a fallen tanuki statue with several throwing stars embedded in its chest.
"Huh," was his intellectual response as he scratched his head. "How did he..." He wondered when he felt someone tap him on the back. He looked over his shoulder to see puckered lips descending down on him. Disbelief and fear paralyzed him.
"Okay then, how about a quick kiss?" The ninja mouthed, about to score. These Nerima guys were easy.
That was when the backdoor to the Cat Café exploded.
"Oops, we'll continue this later," the ninja said tossing Shampoo's clothes at Mousse, all of them except a black lace bra. In a blink the ninja was gone.
As the cloud of dust and splintered wood cleared, Shampoo stood menacingly in the doorway, searching for the pervert who had spied on her bath and taken her clothes. She had a fairly good idea of who it was.
"MOUSSE!"
Mousse removed Shampoo's pants from the top of his head and looked into the burning eyes of his love. For a brief moment he debated the merits of trying to tell her the truth, but the point became moot once she began stomping on his head. As he began to fall in and out of lucidness, one thought was prevalent in his mind.
It was better than being kissed by a guy.
Roof of the Tendo Dojo
"You've done well up to this point. You have taken to the training with a passion I have seen only once before. Now the next test." He reached into his top, pulling out an extremely small scrap of black garment. "Bring me this rest of this," he said handing the cloth to his student.
Raising his head, the student eyes seemed to ask if that was all the information he was to be given. The smaller ninja answered with a nod of his head.
Lowering the piece of his mask that covered his mouth and nose, the student put the cloth to his nose and took a whiff. Next he placed it in his mouth between tongue and cheek.
"Spandex... from a leotard." He swashed the cloth around his mouth a few more times. "Black hair, likes to work out. I wager she wears this a lot."
His Master gave him neither a yes nor no. "GO! Bring the garment. Intact. I don't want one tiny rip save the one already in it"
Standing, the student took a moment to smell the air and then vanished in a blur.
Happosai smiled.
Kuno estate, Kodachi's room
Kodachi sighed as she prepared for sleep. Removing her clothes, she sat on her bed and reflected on the day. It had been rather pleasant. She couldn't remember the last time she and her brother had had a normal conversation. Too bad the moron had to ruin it when they had arrived home by speaking ill of her Ranma-sama.
'And that old pervert ripped my favorite leotard too,' she thought, looking at the tear in the neckline.
Taking a brush to her hair, her mind turned to her Ranma-sama. He had seemed troubled when she saw him today. No doubt that wicked Akane had visited some sort of torments upon him. Well, tomorrow she would punish that witch, and bring Ranma some nice roses.
"Then maybe he'll notice me," she said with a sigh, placing the brush on the dresser. Lying face up in her bed, she started to reach over and turn off the light, when she spotted a purple shadow hanging from the ceiling above her. With a lecherous laugh well known in other parts of Nerima, the shadow descended upon her.
Ten seconds later, the purple shadow was thrown out a closed window, over the wall and into a telephone poll.
"Another flawless victory for the Silken Stalker!" he laughed, stuffing his ill-gotten gains into his top and standing wobbly. Shaking his head, he soon regained partial vision and disappeared into the night. Kodachi was unable to pursue, given her state of undress, so she screamed from the window a cry that would be echoed many times this night.
"COME BACK HERE YOU PERVERT!"
Back at the dojo, the student presented his sensei with a black leotard; fresh off the rack you might say.
"Well done," Happosai said caressing the leotard to his face. "Now for your final test! Pass it, and none shall stand between you and your goal of carrying on the Anything Goes School!"
"You mean my goal of getting into Ranma's pants," the young man corrected.
"Uh, yeah." Happosai was still not used to hearing a man's voice say that. "But keep in mind Akane. She can be trouble when properly motivated."
The young ninja dismissed that notion. "I'll walk all over her. The worse she could ever do is beat me up."
'He... she has a point there. Physical attacks merely slow her down, and motivate her more,' Happosai mused.
"Ok, what's this final test? I have a big day tomorrow, places to go... men to seduce."
Happosai tossed yet another piece of clothing at his counterpart, a strip of white cloth, about half a meter in length. It had a pleasant, tasty smell to it. The ninja knew the aroma well. It always made his mouth water. It also smelled like okonomiyaki. He violently shook his head clear.
'You shouldn't think that way,' a voice in his head told him. 'So what if it does smell like some woman's breasts, you are a woman too. Always remember that.'
The ninja said nothing more and staggered dazedly to the edge of the roof. Hitting himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand, he regained his composure, and then vanished.
"I'll give him a few more minutes before I close up shop," Ukyou said looking at the closed doors of her restaurant.
Seeing Akane earlier in the day at the market buying groceries normally guaranteed Ukyou a visit from Ranma, but here she was almost finished busing the last table of the dinner rush without so much as a 'Hey, Ucchan.'
'I wonder what happened?' Ukyou thought to herself. 'Akane's cooking couldn't have been edible, could it?'
She sighed, wiping down the table and picking up the last of the dirty dishes. He wasn't going to show. With a heavy heart and weary legs, she brought the dirty dishes to the rear of the restaurant for cleaning. "Well, at least I get to see him at school tomorrow. God, when did I my life become so pathetic," she groaned, starting in on the large pile of dishes in front of her.
She was well under way with her washing effort when she heard the front door of the restaurant open and close.
'I knew he would show up. Akane probably tried to force him to eat her toxic stew! That's why it took him so long,' she thought excitedly, throwing off her apron and rushing out front. It was strange how easily her melancholy lifted at the prospect of seeing him.
"Ranma, you jackass, what took you..." She paused looking out at her empty restaurant. Cautiously, she walked towards the door, her eyes scanning the restaurant as she did so.
"Tsubasa! I swear if you're in here..." She let the threat linger. Reaching the door, she stuck her head out and looked up and down the street. There was a couple just about to turn the corner at the end of the block, but otherwise, the streets were empty.
"Huh," she mouthed closing and locking the door. "Maybe... I'm imaging things."
Slowly she made her way back to the waiting dirty dishes, all the while on the look out for something out a place: an extra table, counter or trash can. Ukyou took a mental inventory of every item she saw, determined not to let a certain cross-dresser slip past her unnoticed. She was so diligent in her search for a stray mailbox or potted plant that she failed to pay much notice to the one hundred sixty pound human shaped cockroach clinging perfectly still to one of the walls.
It watched her pass by and laughed silently to itself. 'You can't see me... I am NINJA,' he thought confidently. After Ukyou passed into the backroom, it waited for the sound of washing dishes before dropping silently to the floor and quickly making its way upstairs.
Ukyou was almost finished with the dishes when she thought she smelled smoke coming from upstairs. She rushed to grab a nearby fire extinguisher and then hurried up the stairs. She could see smoke billowing from beneath her bedroom door, and cursed allowed. She carefully walked up to the door and touched it. The wood was cold. With a sigh of relief she quickly opened the door.
'Perhaps it's not too late for me to put it out,' she thought hopefully.
To Ukyou's good fortune, the fire was limited to the contents of a metal wastebasket in the middle of her room. Unfortunately, there was also a masked man standing in front of her closet tossing her school uniforms into the fire. Finding a masked man in their bedroom at night while you were alone would probably terrify most people, but Ukyou wasn't most people.
"What the Hell do you think you're doing!" she demanded to know, throwing the extinguisher at the masked ninja.
It hit him square in the face, but failed to have any noticeable effect. The ninja calmly reached into the closet and pulled out the last boy's uniform. "Believe me, I didn't want to do this. I think more girls should dress like you do."
"Wha?" That was the first time anyone had told Ukyou that dressing like a guy was a good thing. She forgot about breaking his neck for a moment.
"Sure... leaves more men for me," he finished tossing the last uniform into the fire. "But I had to do it, sorry."
"Y... you... those are my school uniforms!" She shouted, removing her combat spatula from her back. "What am I suppose to wear to school tomorrow?"
Without saying a word, the ninja pulled out a single girl's uniform that had been in the closet and threw it at Ukyou's feet.
Ukyou tightened her grip around her spatula and started to walk menacingly toward the stranger. "I don't know what your problem is or who you think you are..."
"Shutaro Mendou, the Silken Stalker."
"...Whoever you are buddy, you're in for a world of hurt."
"You're wearing one now, aren't you?" the ninja asked in a sad voice.
"What... Wearing one what?" she asked back, confusion evident on her face.
The ninja held up a fist and then released it, allowing a crumpled length of cloth to unfurl. It dangled over the waste paper basket, the flames licking the end.
Realizing what it was he held in his hands, Ukyou blushed slightly.
"It… it's none of your damned business what I wear!"
"I told you that I rather not do this. If you want to hide your goodies, then I'm all for you." The ninja dropped the wrap into the fire and began rubbing his hands together. "I truly hate to do this to a girl, really I do. If you were a boy, that would be another story." His hands were beginning to smoke. "It could be worse though."
Ukyou didn't know what this pervert was up to but she didn't like it. She held her spatula up defensively.
The ninja quickened his pace and his hands burst into flames. "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt, but you might want to stay home tomorrow." The ninja thrusted his hands forward.
Ukyou tried to block the attack with her spatula, but the flames just washed around it. Time seemed to slow as she watched the fire eat at her clothes. She screamed out in terror and fell to the floor, but no one heard her.
"It's done?"
"Yeah, it's done. You do know that this is going to cause me trouble in the future!" The ninja replied with his arms across his chest. "Plus, she was wearing one of her chest wraps when I burned all her male clothes. I had to use my special technique on her to get it!"
Happosai became *very* excited! "The one with the finger!" He asked with drool running down the side of his mouth.
"Ewwww! No! The other one," the ninja said in apparent disgust.
'Oh well, she'll have to use 'the finger' sooner or later if she plans on facing all the girls interested in Ranma. Damn it all! Ukyou must be a sight to see now!' Happosai lamented. 'I better get that video camera for the rest of her fights!' He turned to his student who was beginning to yawn. "Can you teach *me* that finger technique? PLEASE!" Oh, the fun he could have.
The young ninja paused in mid yawn to look at his index finger. "I'm surprised you don't already know how to do it. Don't you know all those pressure point techniques? Isn't that what this is?" He said going through the motions of the dreaded attack.
"Believe me! I've tried to find that one, but in all my long years, you are the only person I've ever seen do it! If I could do it..."
The entire female population of the planet collectively shuddered.
"Maybe you have to be born with it," the ninja finished blowing imaginary smoke from the finger. In any case, I've passed all your test, yes?"
"Yes, well done," Happosai said caressing Shampoo's black lace bra, Kodachi's leotard, and one of Ukyou's chest bindings to his face.
The young ninja removed his cowl and made a face. 'Well to each his own,' He thought looking to get out of this body and get some sleep. He had one hundred thousand and one men to collect. Where he came up with the number, one hundred thousand and one, he couldn't remember.
"WAIT! MORE SILKY DARLINGS" Happosai shouted out to the retreating student. The thrill the night's booty, the picture of what Ukyou must look like now, and the idea of getting to see the 'finger' used on a female Ranma, had excited him beyond caution. He said the one word he wasn't supposed to.
His student's frame shook at that last word. Pictures raced through his mind, before something crushed them. He held his head in pain.
"What's the matter?" Happosai asked.
'Nothing is wrong, is it?' A voice in his mind asked.
"No, nothing is wrong, nothing."
"Then GO!"
"HAI!"
Ranma woke up on time for once. He was already dressed when Akane burst into the room to wake him. He had gotten a good night's sleep... for the most part. At one point in the night, he thought he had heard "you know whose voice", but maybe it was just a nightmare. He hoped it was anyway.
After washing up, Ranma joined the rest of the family at the breakfast table. It looked to be another beautiful April day.
"You look to be in good spirits this morning, Ranma." Kasumi observed handing him a plate.
"Yup, I think my luck has finely turned. Yesterday was just great; nobody bothered me. It was perfect. And we haven't seen the old freak in months!"
Soun and Genma quickly jumped across the table and covered Ranma's mouth.
"Quiet boy, don't speak of it."
"He's right, son, if you even think of him, he appears."
They were far, far too late, as they were about to find out.
"Hey Daddy, I think your Master Happosai is back," Nabiki said looking at the TV.
"Nabiki! Don't speak his name!" Soun pleaded.
"But Daddy, look." She pointed at the TV and turned up the volume.
#In a night that will live in infamy, it would appear that the panty thief that struck certain parts of Nerima so many months ago has returned with a vengeance. Over a hundred women have reported break-ins and thefts, by someone calling himself, the Silken Stalker. Some reports indicate that the garments were at times stolen right off the victim without their knowledge. Police believe it maybe a ring of thieves, considering the number of attacks in one evening. In other news, there was a break in at the Nerima District Morgue. Several bodies have turned up missing and already distraught family members are demanding answers from the police. Internationally, the Oni have again repeated their demands to the U.N. Security Council for the return of Atar... #
Soun quickly quieted the television. "Please...please not him. Not the Master," Soun cried.
"Tendo! Watch what you say!"
Far, far too late
The skies began to darken as black storm clouds rolled in, blocking out the sun. Lighting streaked, and claps of thundered peeled, rumbling the windows. Then came a soft knocking at the front door.
"Nobody answer it. Evil can't come in, if you don't invite it," Genma offered.
The light knocking became a loud pounding as the rains began to fall.
"Well we can't just leave whoever it is out in the rain, that would be rude," Kasumi said walking to the door.
"Besides, not answering the door has never stopped Happosai before," Nabiki put in. "And since when does he knock?"
A few moments later, Kasumi's startled gasp, caused everyone to rush to the door. When they arrived, they saw Kasumi staring at a teenage girl with sand brown hair tied into ponytails on either side of her head and dark brown eyes. The girl was as tall as Kasumi had a child like face and a well-proportioned body. She was plain, but pretty. In fact, she could be the poster model for the girl next door; that was how innocent she looked. Innocent, save for the fact that though conservative the dress she was wearing was two sizes too small. Plus there was the old lecher clasping tenaciously to her bosom.
Happosai let go of his perch and turned to face his audience, letting the girl carry him like a teddy bear.
"Soun, Genma, everybody, I would like you to meet my great-granddaughter, Aya. Aya say hello to the Tendo's and Saotome's."
"Hi everyone! Huh, what's the matter? Why is everyone on the floor, Grandfather?"
"They're just crazy like that sometimes, but remember what I taught you, 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'. Hurry up and help me with the ladies' undies," Happosai said hopping from Aya's arms.
Aya frowned and rebuttoned Ranma's shirt, where he lay on the ground. Standing up, she spun on her grandfather and stomped her foot in frustration and anger.
"BUT GRANDPA! YOU PROMISED I COULD RIDE THE HORESY!"
From across the street a miniature monk halted his breakfast and lifted his head from out of the neighbor's trashcan to watch the display in the Tendo doorway. He marveled at how fast the boy had pounced on Ranma. He was faster than ever. Moroboshi's facial features were as horrible as ever too, and that boy, Ranma's were almost as bad. Yes, Cherry had his work cut out for him.