AN: I have been DYING to do something with this song. It's called 'Keeping
Secrets,' by Motor Ace, I love it SO FREAKING MUCH.
And this was the episode where I fell in love with Jess. When they were walking down the street, Rory wouldn't show him her evil stare and he pouted. *AW MAN* that was the moment. THAT POUT. *swoon* Okay, I know, I should come with a weirdo warning....
~*~*~*~
Took all week for the feeling to come
Dry your eyes we're staring at the sun
Wanna call I've got nothing to say
Want it all got a line and enough to stay
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
Jess had gone back to Washington Square Park after leaving Rory at the bus station. He sat with a book in his lap, but for once found it difficult to concentrate. Instead, he stared at the lights of the city, emerging as the sun set behind the buildings, and thought about Rory. Why had she come? To say goodbye? Because what had passed between them hadn't felt like a conclusion, not even close.
~*~*~*~
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
The object of Jess' thoughts appeared beside him once more.
"Hey" he said.
"Hey" her reply was shaky.
"What are you doing?" this time Jess had to register his surprise at seeing her, "are you alright?"
Rory broke down, pacing and gesturing expressively as she spoke.
"There was an accident and they don't know when the bus is going to go. I couldn't just sit there any more. I'm going to miss my Mom's graduation. She's going to hate me forever, and I deserve it. I'm a horrible person, I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this whole day. No one would believe this is me, cutting school to come to New York."
Jess grabbed Rory's arm and pulled her down to sit next to him on the bench.
Rory took a shallow breath and continued to babble, "And Dean, Dean will find out too and he'll be so mad. But he'll have every right to be. He won't understand, I don't even understand. I'm such a terrible person! Dean is my boyfriend, and I can't even love him properly anymore.... because, I...." Rory trailed off with hiccups and sobs.
"You what?" Jess prompted.
"I.... I can't say," Rory buried her head in his shoulder.
"It's okay. It's all going to be okay," he promised.
"This is not happening. This isn't me," Rory repeated. She felt so frustrated and out of control.
"Who defines who you are?" Jess asked.
"I do," she replied softly, forcing herself to calm down.
"And you say this isn't you?"
"It's not the me everyone knows."
Jess shook his head, "stuff them. It's the you I know."
"Ah, what's wrong with me?" Rory flung her head back and stared at the sky.
"You're human. No one's perfect."
"Try convincing the town that!" Rory sighed and checked her watch, "I've missed the last bus," fresh tears welled up in her eyes as Rory realised just how big a mess she'd gotten herself into.
"Don't worry, we'll figure something out." Jess told her, "You can stay with me tonight, you just have to call your Mom."
"I can't," Rory shook her head, "she'll be so angry."
"Would you rather she spent the whole night worrying about where you are?"
"No," Rory replied in a small voice and Jess handed her some coins for the pay phone.
~*~*~*~
Said it all now there's no mystery
Talk so much I force myself to breathe
Under hand but it all went to plan
Sold my soul to an understanding man
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
"You can leave your backpack at my place then we'll go get some food," Jess said after Rory made her phone call.
Rory nodded, "where's you Mom?" she asked curiously.
"Dunno, probably be at her boyfriend's all night."
"Oh."
They walked in relative silence. Rory was still worried about her Mom's reaction. Lorelai hadn't said much on the phone, which was in itself uncharacteristic enough to warrant concern. She'd merely indicated that they would be having a long and serious conversation when Rory got home.
Rory looked up to see a group of tough-looking teenagers walking towards them and realised that walking the streets of New York City at night probably wasn't the safest thing to be doing. But Jess acknowledged the group as his friends and Rory relaxed momentarily, only to tense up again when a petite Asian girl with spiky red tips in her hair and an attitude to match emerged from the pack and fused her face to Jess' for a couple of seconds.
"Hey Stranger, feeling better now?" she asked him.
"Uh, Rory, this is my friend Jen. Jen, Rory." Jess introduced the two girls.
Her top matches her hair. That was the first thought that popped into Rory's mind when she looked at Jen. Which was ridiculous, because Jen obviously was not the type who intentionally ensured her red and black top was co-ordinated with her hair. She was the type of girl who wore jeans that looked as though they belonged to a guy. In fact, Rory thought she recognised them as being Jess', which bothered Rory more than she cared to acknowledge. They were at least three times too big for Jen, held up by a studded belt with the ends of the pant-legs fraying where the hem dragged along the ground. Jess and Jen looked good together, Rory decided, and suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious in her Chilton uniform. Jess and Jen. Their names even sounded good together.
While Rory was lost in thought, Jen was whispering to Jess.
"Aw shit, I'm sorry Jess. She's it huh?"
"She's what?" Jess asked.
"The reason you've been on Mars since you came back."
"Jen-" Jess began.
"Nah, it's all good, we'll leave you two alone," Jen winked at him, "Catch ya later, Jess. Hey, bye, Rory."
"Huh? Oh, bye." Rory replied as Jen rejoined her friends, leaving both Jess and Rory looking somewhat dazed.
"She seems.... cool," Rory told Jess when they were alone once more, "you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend here."
"You didn't ask," Jess replied, not correcting her assumption about the relationship between him and Jen, "does it matter?" he asked hopefully.
But Rory just shrugged, "no, why should I care?" she responded coolly.
~*~*~*~
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
"I'm sorry if I crashed your world," Rory said to Jess as they sat in the park munching on hot dogs.
"What?" Jess asked, wondering if Rory could possibly realise in just how many ways she'd crashed his world.
"You know, with your friends and everything. I don't exactly belong here, and you're stuck looking after me tonight."
"Oh. I don't see it as a bad thing."
"Good. Cos if I wasn't so worried about the fact that I'm not supposed to be here, I'd enjoy it."
"The city?"
"And spending time with you," she added shyly.
Rory meant that. She savoured time spent with Jess. One minute with him was worth an hour with Dean. Being with Jess made her feel alive. But it scared her a little too. She wasn't afraid of him, she was afraid of the way he made her feel, of what that feeling meant.
"Yeah," Jess agreed.
Rory scared Jess too. She made him feel a little bit innocent again.
"When did you become such a great guy?" Rory asked.
"You mean you've only realised?" Jess asked jokingly.
"I'm serious. Thank you for taking care of me tonight. You even made me call my Mom. You hate my Mom."
"Maybe I just wanted to prove she was wrong about me."
"Interesting theory, Dr Freud."
"Hey are you still hungry?" Jess asked.
Rory shook her head, anxiety had diminished her appetite for once. So they just sat in the park, talking occasionally.
It was getting late and Rory wasn't sure they should still be out. But no one had bothered her, and she felt safe with Jess. However, Rory was worried about what would happen when she got home tomorrow. She knew her mother would be mad. Really mad. Despite generally being the coolest Mom in the world, Rory wasn't sure how Lorelai would react to something like this. She imagined how she'd feel if her mother missed her graduation. She'd be devastated.
"Augh," Rory groaned.
"Augh to you too," Jess said.
"I feel terrible, and there's nothing I can do about it," Rory told him, "I need to talk about something else so I stop thinking."
"I'm all ears."
"What do you think about change?" Rory asked out of the blue.
"Depends," replied Jess.
"It scares me," she admitted.
"Change can be a good thing."
"I know, but it feels like some things are changing so fast I don't know where I stand anymore. And then there are other things that I want to change, but I don't know how, or I'm too scared that I don't know what I'm doing. Is that crazy?"
"No it just means you're a control freak."
"Hey," Rory protested.
"I'm only kidding," said Jess, "just be honest with yourself," he advised.
"Are you honest with me?" Rory asked, wondering why it was that she trusted Jess so much.
"Sure," he replied.
"Totally?" Rory prodded.
"Jen isn't my girlfriend," Jess admitted.
"Oh. Then what was that kiss about before?" asked Rory.
Jess shrugged, "we're old friends. She does stuff like that. It doesn't mean anything. Jen's trying to get me to 'return from Mars' as she puts it. She'd been complaining that I haven't been the same since I got back."
"Oh. Why's that?"
"I can't explain."
It was Jess' turn to question Rory, "what about you, what are you keeping hidden?"
Should she tell him? Rory wondered. Tell him what she'd only just admitted to herself? Could she do it? The Stars Hollow Rory wouldn't, but the Rory in New York was feeling just a little braver.
"Okay," Rory took a deep breath and spoken quietly and deliberately, "the reason I can't love Dean any more is because I love you."
Rory turned her head to look at the city lights, buildings and passers by, at anything but Jess, her bravado fading once the words were out.
Jess took several seconds to respond, "do you mean that?"
"Yeah, I think I do. I just can't help it," Rory seemed almost ashamed to have admitted her feelings.
"Don't act like it's a bad thing," Jess told her, "cos I feel the same way."
Rory looked up at Jess and it was his turn to shyly avoid her gaze.
She reached out, turned his face to hers and kissed him.
As Jess responded, snaking his arm around her waist, he could swear he felt the earth spin around them.
~*~*~*~
Stay up all night for the kiss, its getting better
Stay up all night for the kiss, its getting better
~*~*~*~
Back at his apartment, Jess gave Rory an old T-Shirt and pair of shorts to wear to sleep in and tucked her in to his bed.
"Goodnight Rory," he knelt down beside the bed so his face was level with hers.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Couch?" Jess suggested.
"Don't. Stay with me."
Jess looked at her questioningly and Rory blushed, "just to sleep."
It sounded ridiculously needy, but she wanted him to hold her.
Rory shuffled over so they were sharing his single bed.
Jess wrapped his arms around Rory and allowed himself to smile as he listened to her sleep.
Welcome to Mars, he thought.
~*~*~*~
You're keeping secrets there only one I need to find
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
And this was the episode where I fell in love with Jess. When they were walking down the street, Rory wouldn't show him her evil stare and he pouted. *AW MAN* that was the moment. THAT POUT. *swoon* Okay, I know, I should come with a weirdo warning....
~*~*~*~
Took all week for the feeling to come
Dry your eyes we're staring at the sun
Wanna call I've got nothing to say
Want it all got a line and enough to stay
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
Jess had gone back to Washington Square Park after leaving Rory at the bus station. He sat with a book in his lap, but for once found it difficult to concentrate. Instead, he stared at the lights of the city, emerging as the sun set behind the buildings, and thought about Rory. Why had she come? To say goodbye? Because what had passed between them hadn't felt like a conclusion, not even close.
~*~*~*~
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
The object of Jess' thoughts appeared beside him once more.
"Hey" he said.
"Hey" her reply was shaky.
"What are you doing?" this time Jess had to register his surprise at seeing her, "are you alright?"
Rory broke down, pacing and gesturing expressively as she spoke.
"There was an accident and they don't know when the bus is going to go. I couldn't just sit there any more. I'm going to miss my Mom's graduation. She's going to hate me forever, and I deserve it. I'm a horrible person, I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this whole day. No one would believe this is me, cutting school to come to New York."
Jess grabbed Rory's arm and pulled her down to sit next to him on the bench.
Rory took a shallow breath and continued to babble, "And Dean, Dean will find out too and he'll be so mad. But he'll have every right to be. He won't understand, I don't even understand. I'm such a terrible person! Dean is my boyfriend, and I can't even love him properly anymore.... because, I...." Rory trailed off with hiccups and sobs.
"You what?" Jess prompted.
"I.... I can't say," Rory buried her head in his shoulder.
"It's okay. It's all going to be okay," he promised.
"This is not happening. This isn't me," Rory repeated. She felt so frustrated and out of control.
"Who defines who you are?" Jess asked.
"I do," she replied softly, forcing herself to calm down.
"And you say this isn't you?"
"It's not the me everyone knows."
Jess shook his head, "stuff them. It's the you I know."
"Ah, what's wrong with me?" Rory flung her head back and stared at the sky.
"You're human. No one's perfect."
"Try convincing the town that!" Rory sighed and checked her watch, "I've missed the last bus," fresh tears welled up in her eyes as Rory realised just how big a mess she'd gotten herself into.
"Don't worry, we'll figure something out." Jess told her, "You can stay with me tonight, you just have to call your Mom."
"I can't," Rory shook her head, "she'll be so angry."
"Would you rather she spent the whole night worrying about where you are?"
"No," Rory replied in a small voice and Jess handed her some coins for the pay phone.
~*~*~*~
Said it all now there's no mystery
Talk so much I force myself to breathe
Under hand but it all went to plan
Sold my soul to an understanding man
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
"You can leave your backpack at my place then we'll go get some food," Jess said after Rory made her phone call.
Rory nodded, "where's you Mom?" she asked curiously.
"Dunno, probably be at her boyfriend's all night."
"Oh."
They walked in relative silence. Rory was still worried about her Mom's reaction. Lorelai hadn't said much on the phone, which was in itself uncharacteristic enough to warrant concern. She'd merely indicated that they would be having a long and serious conversation when Rory got home.
Rory looked up to see a group of tough-looking teenagers walking towards them and realised that walking the streets of New York City at night probably wasn't the safest thing to be doing. But Jess acknowledged the group as his friends and Rory relaxed momentarily, only to tense up again when a petite Asian girl with spiky red tips in her hair and an attitude to match emerged from the pack and fused her face to Jess' for a couple of seconds.
"Hey Stranger, feeling better now?" she asked him.
"Uh, Rory, this is my friend Jen. Jen, Rory." Jess introduced the two girls.
Her top matches her hair. That was the first thought that popped into Rory's mind when she looked at Jen. Which was ridiculous, because Jen obviously was not the type who intentionally ensured her red and black top was co-ordinated with her hair. She was the type of girl who wore jeans that looked as though they belonged to a guy. In fact, Rory thought she recognised them as being Jess', which bothered Rory more than she cared to acknowledge. They were at least three times too big for Jen, held up by a studded belt with the ends of the pant-legs fraying where the hem dragged along the ground. Jess and Jen looked good together, Rory decided, and suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious in her Chilton uniform. Jess and Jen. Their names even sounded good together.
While Rory was lost in thought, Jen was whispering to Jess.
"Aw shit, I'm sorry Jess. She's it huh?"
"She's what?" Jess asked.
"The reason you've been on Mars since you came back."
"Jen-" Jess began.
"Nah, it's all good, we'll leave you two alone," Jen winked at him, "Catch ya later, Jess. Hey, bye, Rory."
"Huh? Oh, bye." Rory replied as Jen rejoined her friends, leaving both Jess and Rory looking somewhat dazed.
"She seems.... cool," Rory told Jess when they were alone once more, "you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend here."
"You didn't ask," Jess replied, not correcting her assumption about the relationship between him and Jen, "does it matter?" he asked hopefully.
But Rory just shrugged, "no, why should I care?" she responded coolly.
~*~*~*~
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~
"I'm sorry if I crashed your world," Rory said to Jess as they sat in the park munching on hot dogs.
"What?" Jess asked, wondering if Rory could possibly realise in just how many ways she'd crashed his world.
"You know, with your friends and everything. I don't exactly belong here, and you're stuck looking after me tonight."
"Oh. I don't see it as a bad thing."
"Good. Cos if I wasn't so worried about the fact that I'm not supposed to be here, I'd enjoy it."
"The city?"
"And spending time with you," she added shyly.
Rory meant that. She savoured time spent with Jess. One minute with him was worth an hour with Dean. Being with Jess made her feel alive. But it scared her a little too. She wasn't afraid of him, she was afraid of the way he made her feel, of what that feeling meant.
"Yeah," Jess agreed.
Rory scared Jess too. She made him feel a little bit innocent again.
"When did you become such a great guy?" Rory asked.
"You mean you've only realised?" Jess asked jokingly.
"I'm serious. Thank you for taking care of me tonight. You even made me call my Mom. You hate my Mom."
"Maybe I just wanted to prove she was wrong about me."
"Interesting theory, Dr Freud."
"Hey are you still hungry?" Jess asked.
Rory shook her head, anxiety had diminished her appetite for once. So they just sat in the park, talking occasionally.
It was getting late and Rory wasn't sure they should still be out. But no one had bothered her, and she felt safe with Jess. However, Rory was worried about what would happen when she got home tomorrow. She knew her mother would be mad. Really mad. Despite generally being the coolest Mom in the world, Rory wasn't sure how Lorelai would react to something like this. She imagined how she'd feel if her mother missed her graduation. She'd be devastated.
"Augh," Rory groaned.
"Augh to you too," Jess said.
"I feel terrible, and there's nothing I can do about it," Rory told him, "I need to talk about something else so I stop thinking."
"I'm all ears."
"What do you think about change?" Rory asked out of the blue.
"Depends," replied Jess.
"It scares me," she admitted.
"Change can be a good thing."
"I know, but it feels like some things are changing so fast I don't know where I stand anymore. And then there are other things that I want to change, but I don't know how, or I'm too scared that I don't know what I'm doing. Is that crazy?"
"No it just means you're a control freak."
"Hey," Rory protested.
"I'm only kidding," said Jess, "just be honest with yourself," he advised.
"Are you honest with me?" Rory asked, wondering why it was that she trusted Jess so much.
"Sure," he replied.
"Totally?" Rory prodded.
"Jen isn't my girlfriend," Jess admitted.
"Oh. Then what was that kiss about before?" asked Rory.
Jess shrugged, "we're old friends. She does stuff like that. It doesn't mean anything. Jen's trying to get me to 'return from Mars' as she puts it. She'd been complaining that I haven't been the same since I got back."
"Oh. Why's that?"
"I can't explain."
It was Jess' turn to question Rory, "what about you, what are you keeping hidden?"
Should she tell him? Rory wondered. Tell him what she'd only just admitted to herself? Could she do it? The Stars Hollow Rory wouldn't, but the Rory in New York was feeling just a little braver.
"Okay," Rory took a deep breath and spoken quietly and deliberately, "the reason I can't love Dean any more is because I love you."
Rory turned her head to look at the city lights, buildings and passers by, at anything but Jess, her bravado fading once the words were out.
Jess took several seconds to respond, "do you mean that?"
"Yeah, I think I do. I just can't help it," Rory seemed almost ashamed to have admitted her feelings.
"Don't act like it's a bad thing," Jess told her, "cos I feel the same way."
Rory looked up at Jess and it was his turn to shyly avoid her gaze.
She reached out, turned his face to hers and kissed him.
As Jess responded, snaking his arm around her waist, he could swear he felt the earth spin around them.
~*~*~*~
Stay up all night for the kiss, its getting better
Stay up all night for the kiss, its getting better
~*~*~*~
Back at his apartment, Jess gave Rory an old T-Shirt and pair of shorts to wear to sleep in and tucked her in to his bed.
"Goodnight Rory," he knelt down beside the bed so his face was level with hers.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Couch?" Jess suggested.
"Don't. Stay with me."
Jess looked at her questioningly and Rory blushed, "just to sleep."
It sounded ridiculously needy, but she wanted him to hold her.
Rory shuffled over so they were sharing his single bed.
Jess wrapped his arms around Rory and allowed himself to smile as he listened to her sleep.
Welcome to Mars, he thought.
~*~*~*~
You're keeping secrets there only one I need to find
Shaking myself from the hum of the morning
Saving it all for the rest of the night
Loosing myself to drug of the city lights
You're keeping secrets there's only one I need to find
~*~*~*~