Chapter Two: Just What We Needed!
On a Winnebago shaped like a Capsule Corp. ball…
Vegeta-I mean Lone Prince, was training in his custom-designed gravity room in his ball-shaped Capsulebago. He did his usual intense training, putting his buff, muscular body through all sorts of training exercises and positions that would kill an ordinary person. While he was training, Nappa-I mean Hurl, was eating out of a KFC bucket from KFC's "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special (how did we ever guess?). While Hurl was gobbling down chicken, he was also openly leering and drooling over a porn magazine.
When Hurl had finally finished eating twenty minutes later, he went to Lone Prince's gravity room with the dirty magazine, just as Lone Prince was coming out in hopes of getting some chicken from KFC before his gluttony companion ate it all. Hurl chuckled wickedly and opened the page to the magazine's centerfold. "Hey, Prince, check out this babe in Playsaiyan; isn't she luscious? I bet that her legs and thighs would taste better than those of KFC!"
Lone Prince allowed himself a quick glance at the Playsaiyan centerfold and grinned. The centerfold was a nude, curvy, voluptuous female Saiyan with long, shiny black hair and a long, beautiful tail. He chuckled wickedly, "I agree, Nappa-I mean Hurl, she'd definitely be worth a nibble or two. We need to find a 'comfort planet' around here. It's been a while since we've been with women. Lately, I've been having a hard time getting a woman, I don't understand why, for I am the strongest warrior around, as well as the handsomest."
Hurl flushed uncomfortably. He stammered, "Well, Lone Prince, it says in this 'Gullible Poll' that was published in this mag, women are partial these days to taller men. And-"
"Oh, shut up, Nappa-I mean Hurl! It infuriates me that women cannot look past my height! On top of that, no one believes that I am a Prince! They think that it's just some sexy nickname that I invented to make myself more attractive!"
Hurl laughed. "Isn't that the truth?"
"So what if it is? All right, so I don't have any proof yet that I'm a Prince, but my superior strength and fighting capability and handsome looks could only belong to a Prince. I believe that when I find out what this lapel pin I'm wearing means-" Lone Prince pointed to his leather jacket, which held a round gold medallion pin that had a message written in a language that he could not read. "-it will tell me that I am a Prince!"
Hurl rolled his eyes. "Time to stop living in a dream world, Lone Prince!"
Lone Prince growled, his brows knitting above his familiar Vegeta scowl, "What the hell did you say?"
Hurl laughed nervously. "I said that it's time to go to Ice Cream World, and being without it makes me wince!!"
Fortunately, for Hurl, Lone Prince's sudden craving for ice cream overrode his ability to decimate Hurl for insulting him. He smiled, saying smoothly, "Good idea, Hurl. Go order us some, so that it will be ready when we get there. Ice Cream World is not too far from here. I want ten gallons of double chocolate fudge-what the hell is that?"
The new ship phone rang loudly, as Lone Prince and Hurl leisurely walked to the phone, which was next to the driver's seat. "Put it on audio, so that they don't see us," Lone Prince ordered Hurl.
"Yes, Prince." Hurl hit a button to switch the phone to audio. The video screen just above the dashboard flicked on, and Lone Prince's normally arrogant composure collapsed when he saw the caller, a big giant pink monster with a blubbery waist and butt. He looked like he could be a cousin of Dodoria-I mean Porto Rico's.
They also saw a young android male with sleek, short black hair and turquoise eyes. He wore a black shirt and an orange scarf, and he spoke before the big pink monster did. He said smoothly, "Hello, Lone Prince."
Lone Prince growled, and Hurl said apologetically, "Sorry, Prince, wrong line. Should I cut him off?"
"Not yet, Hurl. We'll hear what the little punk robot boy has to say first." Lone Prince said edgily, "What the hell do you want?"
The young man, whose name was Sevinnie, was played by Android Seventeen, also known as Juuana-gou, said silkily, "It's not who I want, Lone Prince, it's what HE wants."
"Let me guess," Hurl cracked. "They ran out of KFC's chicken for the "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special before he could get there, and he wants some of ours!"
"Well, he can't have any," Lone Prince said petulantly. "I haven't eaten yet."
"It not 'bout food!" a squeaky, sulky little boy's voice piped up behind Sevinnie. Lone Prince gnashed his perfect teeth when he heard the voice of one of the universe's most notorious gangsters, Buu The Butt.
Buu The Butt continued in his squeaky, annoying voice, "So it's Lone Prince and buddy Vomit!"
"That's Nappa-I mean Hurl, you walking piece of talking used bubble gum!" Hurl roared, shaking his giant fist at the image of the deadly Buu The Butt.
"No make fun of Buu! Now Buu mad!" Buu pouted.
"Oh, go eat yourself, you pink Michelin man!" Lone Prince snapped. "I'm getting ready to eat dinner, and you're making me lose my appetite!"
Buu ignored the last insult for now. "Where Buu's money? Buu want money now!"
"Buu want a fat lip to go with his fat butt now," Hurl joked.
Buu stomped his feet angrily, as steam came bursting out of his pores. "Now Buu really mad! Buu want money now!"
"Fine, you lump of cotton candy, you'll get your money next week!" Lone Prince hissed.
"No insult Buu! Buu want money tomorrow, not next week!"
"I can't come up with two-hundred thousand spacezeni by next week, you poor imitation of Skintimate shaving cream! You'll just have to wait!" Lone Prince retorted.
"You make Buu mad! You make Buu mad, Buu increase money! Increase money to one million spacezeni!"
"You're insane! You want that much by tomorrow?" Lone Prince asked incredulously, finally realizing that Buu The Butt was serious.
"Want million spacezeni tomorrow! No excuses!"
"I don't even have a million space cents on me, let alone a million spacezeni! Where in the hell do you expect me to get that sort of money?"
"Not Buu's problem! Lone Prince's problem! Want money tomorrow! Or tell you what Buu do! Buu will take Dragonspaceballs in place of million spacezeni! Get Buu Dragonspaceballs so Buu can wish for lifetime supply of KFC, Dairy King and Burger Queen, and Buu forget million spacezeni! Buu think that fair! Lone Prince think that fair?"
"How am I supposed to get the Dragonspaceballs that fast?"
"Again not Buu's problem! Lone Prince's problem! Buu either wants Dragonspaceballs or million spacezeni by tomorrow, or…" Buu tried to think for a moment, as he tried to come up with a good threat. Buu turned to Sevinnie and nudged him. "Give good threat for Buu, threat that scare Lone Prince!"
Sevinnie thought for a moment before he said with a smile, "Or Buu will have and your puking companion for desert-literally!" He and Buu laughed loudly.
Hurl and Lone Prince gasped in horror, for like Buu on DBZ, Buu The Butt was capable of turning people into food and eating them. They cried out in further horror when Buu turned a passing butler on the screen into a giant Baked Alaska, and he and Sevinnie laughed wickedly, as they ate the butler desert.
Hurl swiftly hung up the phone. Lone Prince growled, "Great, just what we need! How are we supposed to satisfy Buu's demands by tomorrow, Hurl?" Then a slow smile spread over his face. "Hurl, we are still Saiyans in this story, right?"
"Sawnya hasn't said otherwise, Prince."
Lone Prince grinned then. "You know that the Dragonspaceballs can grant three wishes right?"
"Yeah."
"Simple, Hurl. We'll go to Droolia, take the Dragonspaceballs by force, and make our three wishes. The first wish will be for Buu's precious million spacezeni, which we'll give to that walking wad of Bubblelicious gum, and the second wish will be for us to become immortal, so that no one can ever threaten us again! And the final wish will be for myself personally, to become as tall as you, so that women will flock to me to bask in my princely glory! And we'll keep the Dragonspaceballs for ourselves!"
Hurl's grin matched Lone Prince's then. "Great ideas, Prince!"
Lone Prince was in a good mood now. "Set the course for planet Droolia, Hurl! I just now figured out how we're going to get Droolia to give up the Dragonspaceballs to us! We'll kidnap Princess Bulma of Droolia and use her as ransom in exchange for them!"
"Again, not a bad idea, Prince! Setting course for Droolia now!"
And with that, Lone Prince and Hurl's round Winnebago flew off into space towards planet Droolia.
Planet Screwball, in President Screw's office…
King Cold-I mean, President Screw, was ogling a centerfold in the monthly issue of Playchangeling with a curvy, luscious female who resembled someone of his race. His string of drool swung back and forth over the magazine when his phone rang.
"Hello?" President Screw asked politely, as he answered the phone. "No, the rumors that I plan to wish for immortality on Droolia's Dragonspaceballs are not true. No, my son and I don't plan to wish ourselves eternal life, so that we can live forever. Yes, I know that planet Screwball now wants a democracy in place of a monarchy, and my son and I will do whatever we can to ensure that happens. Yes, we do want to make the Screwballs happy. Rest assured. Thank you and thank you also for not calling collect. Goodbye!" President Screw hung up the phone.
"Cursed Screwballs!" he shouted. "I want to live forever and rule forever! The democracy is not about to happen! That means that they'll vote my son and me out of the government, which I'm not about to let happen! Anyway, I can't wait to get those Dragonspaceballs! I'm going to wish for immortality first, and then I'll wish for all of the porn magazine companies in the universe to belong to me, and then I'll wish for all the women in those magazines to become my harem! This is going to be great!"
He began to ogle the centerfold in Playchangeling again when a sharp female voice cut into his thoughts. "President Screw!"
A startled President Screw abruptly threw the dirty magazine behind his back, as the video screen came on. A pretty blonde with blue eyes and perfect skin and body looked at her president in deep scrutiny. President Screw stammered, "Commanderette Eighteen! Hello! I was just…concentrating, yes, that's it!"
"Sure you were," Commanderette Eighteen said sarcastically, rolling her aqua eyes. "Concentrating on Miss January again, President?"
President Screw stammered, "No, no! It wasn't Miss January I was concentrating on, it was Miss June!"
"Whatever," Commanderette Eighteen sighed. She hoped those rumors of President Screw wanting to wish for immortality weren't true. He was already living too long for her taste.
"Anyway, your son, Dark Horns, has informed us that Princess Bulma's luxury Mercedes is in sight, and Screwball 1000 is closing in on her."
"Goody!" President Screw exclaimed happily, as he swung around in his giant office chair like a little boy. He cried out when he bumped his head into the camera filming him and got one of his horns stuck in the camera lens, breaking the lens. The frustrated grips and cameramen struggled to free him while Commanderette Eighteen looked on, shaking her golden head in disbelief.
"Shall I have Baldy beam you to the control room, sire?"
President Screw, who was finally free of the camera, stammered, "I've heard that my counterpart, President Skroob on the original 'Spaceballs' movie had problems with the beaming thing. Are you sure that Baldy can do it safely?"
Commanderette Eighteen smiled lasciviously. "Oh, he can, sire, and much more than safely! He sure knows how to beam a woman--I mean anyone! He beamed me like no man had ever beamed me before! It was the best beaming I've ever had! The things that he did-"
"Never mind! Just have Baldy beam me down there please!"
On the video screen, Commanderette Eighteen called out to Baldy, played by Krillin, who was her current lover, "Baldy, beam him down!"
"Yes, my love, er, I mean, my commander!"
President Screw stepped into the beamer next to his office desk, and within seconds, Baldy was able to beam President Screw down to the control room. But something was seriously wrong when the president arrived.
President Screw screamed in horror when he saw himself in the reflection of the control room's steel wall. His head was dangling from his waist where his legs and pelvis should have been, and his head and pelvis were standing up in the air in place of his neck and head on his shoulders.
Baldy laughed nervously. "Sorry about that, sire!"
"Th-that's all right, just beam me back, hurry! If any of my two-thousand women see me like this, I'll never get laid again!"
President Screw cried out when he realized that he had forgotten to zip his pants before coming to the control room. His erection poked out from his pants and underwear. "Why didn't anyone tell me my peter was this small?"
Everyone in the control room dared to snicker and laugh. "I believe many women did, sir," Baldy dared to say. "But you wouldn't believe them."
President Screw growled, "Oh, never mind! Just beam me back to normal!"
"Yes, sir! Beaming you back now!"
President Screw was thankful to be beamed back into his own office and in normal condition, and Commanderette Eighteen grinned at him. "Did you have a nice head trip, sire?"
President Screw snarled, "No thanks to you!"
"Would you like Baldy to try it again, sire?"
"Hell, no! I'll just walk to the office, thank you!" And with that President Screw walked out of his office-and into a cave on a now smelly swamp planet.
He saw his son, Dark Horns, getting ready to fight Captain Zarbon, with a strange, but lovely young cat-like woman with red and green hair.
Dark Horns cried out, "Chestra is my woman!"
"DARK HORNS!" President Screw growled. "Aren't you supposed to be finding Princess Bulma and capturing her?"
"Who in the hell is Princess Bulma, Father? And why in the hell are you wearing a suit? And why are you calling me Dark Horns?"
"Um, King Cold, I believe, that you walked onto the fanfiction set of Chestra, one of Sawnya's other fanfictions," Captain Zarbon stammered. "If you are looking for the fanfiction set of Dragonspaceballs, you'll need to go back inside and use the door next to the one that you just came out of."
President Screw stammered himself. "Th-thank you, Zarbon, I'll do that." And with that, the president left while Frieza was shouting more threats at Zarbon.
President Screw was relieved to find himself once again on Dragonspaceballs, and he was within the control room within a nanosecond. Everyone levitated into the air when someone shouted, "All rise for President Screw!"
Two blond young human girls came rushing to meet him, as they were both dressed in lovely white, sparkling evening gowns just barely appropriate for girls their age. President Screw tickled one of the young girls and said, chuckling, "Hello Mary Kate!"
"I'm Ashley!"
He turned to the other girl and said, smiling, "Hello, Ashley!"
"I'm Mary Kate!"
President Screw was puzzled. "You girls look older than you do in real life. Why's that?"
"When Sawnya hired us for cameos, she changed our ages to make us seven years older than we really are, so that we could legally play the parts of two of your many women without her being sued or charged," Mary Kate replied easily, kissing President Screw's cheek. "Plus, Ash and I are big fans of DBZ and it's villains, which include you, King Cold-I mean President Screw!"
President Screw grinned then. "Commanderette Eighteen! Make a note to send Sawnya flowers later for hiring these delicious young women! Did I ever mention that I love 'Full House' and all of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movies?"
Commanderette Eighteeen sighed, as she wrote down her boss's request. "A hundred times a day, sire."
"Is Princess Bulma within sight yet?"
"Yes, sire. Her ship is nearing Screwball 1000 now, approximately one thousand leagues close to it, sire."
"Good! Tell my son that he must take the princess alive! And tell him that he cannot screw her before we return her! The last time he screwed a princess that we took for ransom, she became pregnant, and we were hit for that whopping billion-spacezeni lawsuit! Now thanks to my son not being able to keep his pants zipped, I have to shell out fifty-thousand spacezeni a month until the brat turns eighteen!"
"Like father, like son," Commanderette Eighteen mumbled under her breath.
"What the hell did you say?"
Baldy took up for his lover. "She said, that you are a good father to your son."
The president grinned. "I am, aren't I? Now see that annoying spawn of mine captures the princess! And tell him I'll cut off his allowance if he screws up!"
"Yes, sire!"
On Dark Horns' mother ship, otherwise known as Screwball 1000…
Dark Horns could see Princess Bulma's ship right in front of his ship. He grinned evilly, even though his father had forbidden him to seduce the princess before returning her. He pulled down his mask, so that he could sound more like Darth Vader through it. He said in a deep baritone voice, "Fire across her butt first!"
"Sire," Porto Rico began. (He was wearing a giant band-aid across what private parts he had left.) "How are we going to reach her butt?"
"The ship's butt, you fool! Literally, fire across the trunk as a warning shot! Fire, aim, ready!"
The men and women gunners began aiming at the white Mercedes that was carrying Princess Bulma, and the luxury car ship began to shake and turn side to side.
Dark Horns was still not pleased. "I said aim at her butt, not up it!"
"But sire, you told us to fire, aim, ready!" Kiwi protested.
"Um…sire," Captain Zarbon spoke up. "Shouldn't that be 'Ready, aim, fire'?"
Dark Horns said, embarrassed, "Um…right. Ready, aim…whatever else he said!"
The gunners were still aiming pitifully at Princess Bulma's ship despite Dark Horn's new orders. Dark Horns growled, "What the hell are you fools doing?"
A humanoid female gunner looked over at his liege with blank, unseeing eyes. "Sorry, sire, we're doing our best!"
Dark Horns then realized that the woman was blind. "Who made you a gunner?"
An older, blind, short humanoid male with gray hair spoke up cheerfully, "I did, sire! She's my sister."
Dark Horns hissed to Captain Zarbon, "Who is he?"
"He's a Blind-Fool, sire," Captain Zarbon said calmly.
"I know that! And his sister?"
"She's a Blind-Fool too, sire," the older gunner declared proudly. "Her name is Ima, sire. Full name, Ima Blind-Fool, Sergeant."
"And your name?" Dark Horns snarled.
"My name is Hesa, sire. As in Hesa Blind-Fool, Major."
Turning towards her liege's voice, another humanoid woman, middle-aged and also blind, said happily, "And I'm their sister, sire, Lieutenant Shesa Blind-Fool."
A frustrated Dark Horns asked, "How many blind fools are there in this control room?"
"I am!" Almost everyone except Captain Zarbon, Porto Rico, and Kiwi moved their heads in the direction of Dark Horns. All of the answerers had the same blank, unseeing eyes of various colors.
Lieutenant Shesa added proudly, "And my siblings and I are ones of charge of all of them!"
Captain Zarbon whispered aside to Dark Horns, "Talk about the blind leading the blind."
Dark Horns growled, deep and low. "Tell me about it. I always thought that I was surrounded by blind fools, and this confirms my theory-or my worst fears!" He sighed, realizing that he was going to have to with what he had. "All right, you blind fools, keep firing!"
All of the Blind-Fools kept firing randomly at Princess Bulma's ship, finally creating some damage now and then, denting and scorching the expensive exterior.
Princess Bulma's ship…
Chichi Matrix clung to Bulma and cried, "I'm scared!"
Bulma said indignantly, fluffing her expensive Vera Winger-Wang gown, "That's it! We don't have to take this anymore! I don't have to take this anymore! I'm a princess! I'm calling my daddy!"
She pulled out her car "princess" phone and dialed 1-800-DROOLIA. An automated sunny voice came on the line, saying, "You have reached 1-800-DROOLIA; if you have a touch-tone phone, please press one now. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, tough-titty, baby!"
"I hate automated services!" Bulma wailed, as she pressed one.
"Press one if you wish to buy Capsule Corp. products. Press two, if you wish to make reservations at Capsule Corp. Café. Press three, if you wish to borrow the Dragonspaceballs for your wishes. Press four, if you wish to sue Droolia for wishes gone wrong. Press five, if you know of an assassination attempt on King Briefs, Queen Briefs, or Princess Bulma Briefs. Press six, if you actually plan to make an assassination attempt on the three parties involved. Press seven, for any inquires, and for you to press seven, honey, somebody better be trying to blow up the planet or trying to use the Dragonspaceballs to wish his or herself to be of the opposite sex!"
Bulma, gnashing her teeth, pressed five reluctantly.
"You have pressed five for assassination attempts on the royal family. Press one if the hired killers involved are using nuclear bombs. Press two if the hired killers are planning to kill any royal family members with repetitious Barney, Pokemon, or Sifl and Olly music, so that the victims will try to commit suicide to escape. And press three, if…"
"That's it!" Bulma snarled. "If I live through this, Chichi, I am having automated services banned!"
On a Winnebago shaped like a Capsule Corp. ball…
Vegeta-I mean Lone Prince, was training in his custom-designed gravity room in his ball-shaped Capsulebago. He did his usual intense training, putting his buff, muscular body through all sorts of training exercises and positions that would kill an ordinary person. While he was training, Nappa-I mean Hurl, was eating out of a KFC bucket from KFC's "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special (how did we ever guess?). While Hurl was gobbling down chicken, he was also openly leering and drooling over a porn magazine.
When Hurl had finally finished eating twenty minutes later, he went to Lone Prince's gravity room with the dirty magazine, just as Lone Prince was coming out in hopes of getting some chicken from KFC before his gluttony companion ate it all. Hurl chuckled wickedly and opened the page to the magazine's centerfold. "Hey, Prince, check out this babe in Playsaiyan; isn't she luscious? I bet that her legs and thighs would taste better than those of KFC!"
Lone Prince allowed himself a quick glance at the Playsaiyan centerfold and grinned. The centerfold was a nude, curvy, voluptuous female Saiyan with long, shiny black hair and a long, beautiful tail. He chuckled wickedly, "I agree, Nappa-I mean Hurl, she'd definitely be worth a nibble or two. We need to find a 'comfort planet' around here. It's been a while since we've been with women. Lately, I've been having a hard time getting a woman, I don't understand why, for I am the strongest warrior around, as well as the handsomest."
Hurl flushed uncomfortably. He stammered, "Well, Lone Prince, it says in this 'Gullible Poll' that was published in this mag, women are partial these days to taller men. And-"
"Oh, shut up, Nappa-I mean Hurl! It infuriates me that women cannot look past my height! On top of that, no one believes that I am a Prince! They think that it's just some sexy nickname that I invented to make myself more attractive!"
Hurl laughed. "Isn't that the truth?"
"So what if it is? All right, so I don't have any proof yet that I'm a Prince, but my superior strength and fighting capability and handsome looks could only belong to a Prince. I believe that when I find out what this lapel pin I'm wearing means-" Lone Prince pointed to his leather jacket, which held a round gold medallion pin that had a message written in a language that he could not read. "-it will tell me that I am a Prince!"
Hurl rolled his eyes. "Time to stop living in a dream world, Lone Prince!"
Lone Prince growled, his brows knitting above his familiar Vegeta scowl, "What the hell did you say?"
Hurl laughed nervously. "I said that it's time to go to Ice Cream World, and being without it makes me wince!!"
Fortunately, for Hurl, Lone Prince's sudden craving for ice cream overrode his ability to decimate Hurl for insulting him. He smiled, saying smoothly, "Good idea, Hurl. Go order us some, so that it will be ready when we get there. Ice Cream World is not too far from here. I want ten gallons of double chocolate fudge-what the hell is that?"
The new ship phone rang loudly, as Lone Prince and Hurl leisurely walked to the phone, which was next to the driver's seat. "Put it on audio, so that they don't see us," Lone Prince ordered Hurl.
"Yes, Prince." Hurl hit a button to switch the phone to audio. The video screen just above the dashboard flicked on, and Lone Prince's normally arrogant composure collapsed when he saw the caller, a big giant pink monster with a blubbery waist and butt. He looked like he could be a cousin of Dodoria-I mean Porto Rico's.
They also saw a young android male with sleek, short black hair and turquoise eyes. He wore a black shirt and an orange scarf, and he spoke before the big pink monster did. He said smoothly, "Hello, Lone Prince."
Lone Prince growled, and Hurl said apologetically, "Sorry, Prince, wrong line. Should I cut him off?"
"Not yet, Hurl. We'll hear what the little punk robot boy has to say first." Lone Prince said edgily, "What the hell do you want?"
The young man, whose name was Sevinnie, was played by Android Seventeen, also known as Juuana-gou, said silkily, "It's not who I want, Lone Prince, it's what HE wants."
"Let me guess," Hurl cracked. "They ran out of KFC's chicken for the "All You Can Eat For A Thousand Dollars" special before he could get there, and he wants some of ours!"
"Well, he can't have any," Lone Prince said petulantly. "I haven't eaten yet."
"It not 'bout food!" a squeaky, sulky little boy's voice piped up behind Sevinnie. Lone Prince gnashed his perfect teeth when he heard the voice of one of the universe's most notorious gangsters, Buu The Butt.
Buu The Butt continued in his squeaky, annoying voice, "So it's Lone Prince and buddy Vomit!"
"That's Nappa-I mean Hurl, you walking piece of talking used bubble gum!" Hurl roared, shaking his giant fist at the image of the deadly Buu The Butt.
"No make fun of Buu! Now Buu mad!" Buu pouted.
"Oh, go eat yourself, you pink Michelin man!" Lone Prince snapped. "I'm getting ready to eat dinner, and you're making me lose my appetite!"
Buu ignored the last insult for now. "Where Buu's money? Buu want money now!"
"Buu want a fat lip to go with his fat butt now," Hurl joked.
Buu stomped his feet angrily, as steam came bursting out of his pores. "Now Buu really mad! Buu want money now!"
"Fine, you lump of cotton candy, you'll get your money next week!" Lone Prince hissed.
"No insult Buu! Buu want money tomorrow, not next week!"
"I can't come up with two-hundred thousand spacezeni by next week, you poor imitation of Skintimate shaving cream! You'll just have to wait!" Lone Prince retorted.
"You make Buu mad! You make Buu mad, Buu increase money! Increase money to one million spacezeni!"
"You're insane! You want that much by tomorrow?" Lone Prince asked incredulously, finally realizing that Buu The Butt was serious.
"Want million spacezeni tomorrow! No excuses!"
"I don't even have a million space cents on me, let alone a million spacezeni! Where in the hell do you expect me to get that sort of money?"
"Not Buu's problem! Lone Prince's problem! Want money tomorrow! Or tell you what Buu do! Buu will take Dragonspaceballs in place of million spacezeni! Get Buu Dragonspaceballs so Buu can wish for lifetime supply of KFC, Dairy King and Burger Queen, and Buu forget million spacezeni! Buu think that fair! Lone Prince think that fair?"
"How am I supposed to get the Dragonspaceballs that fast?"
"Again not Buu's problem! Lone Prince's problem! Buu either wants Dragonspaceballs or million spacezeni by tomorrow, or…" Buu tried to think for a moment, as he tried to come up with a good threat. Buu turned to Sevinnie and nudged him. "Give good threat for Buu, threat that scare Lone Prince!"
Sevinnie thought for a moment before he said with a smile, "Or Buu will have and your puking companion for desert-literally!" He and Buu laughed loudly.
Hurl and Lone Prince gasped in horror, for like Buu on DBZ, Buu The Butt was capable of turning people into food and eating them. They cried out in further horror when Buu turned a passing butler on the screen into a giant Baked Alaska, and he and Sevinnie laughed wickedly, as they ate the butler desert.
Hurl swiftly hung up the phone. Lone Prince growled, "Great, just what we need! How are we supposed to satisfy Buu's demands by tomorrow, Hurl?" Then a slow smile spread over his face. "Hurl, we are still Saiyans in this story, right?"
"Sawnya hasn't said otherwise, Prince."
Lone Prince grinned then. "You know that the Dragonspaceballs can grant three wishes right?"
"Yeah."
"Simple, Hurl. We'll go to Droolia, take the Dragonspaceballs by force, and make our three wishes. The first wish will be for Buu's precious million spacezeni, which we'll give to that walking wad of Bubblelicious gum, and the second wish will be for us to become immortal, so that no one can ever threaten us again! And the final wish will be for myself personally, to become as tall as you, so that women will flock to me to bask in my princely glory! And we'll keep the Dragonspaceballs for ourselves!"
Hurl's grin matched Lone Prince's then. "Great ideas, Prince!"
Lone Prince was in a good mood now. "Set the course for planet Droolia, Hurl! I just now figured out how we're going to get Droolia to give up the Dragonspaceballs to us! We'll kidnap Princess Bulma of Droolia and use her as ransom in exchange for them!"
"Again, not a bad idea, Prince! Setting course for Droolia now!"
And with that, Lone Prince and Hurl's round Winnebago flew off into space towards planet Droolia.
Planet Screwball, in President Screw's office…
King Cold-I mean, President Screw, was ogling a centerfold in the monthly issue of Playchangeling with a curvy, luscious female who resembled someone of his race. His string of drool swung back and forth over the magazine when his phone rang.
"Hello?" President Screw asked politely, as he answered the phone. "No, the rumors that I plan to wish for immortality on Droolia's Dragonspaceballs are not true. No, my son and I don't plan to wish ourselves eternal life, so that we can live forever. Yes, I know that planet Screwball now wants a democracy in place of a monarchy, and my son and I will do whatever we can to ensure that happens. Yes, we do want to make the Screwballs happy. Rest assured. Thank you and thank you also for not calling collect. Goodbye!" President Screw hung up the phone.
"Cursed Screwballs!" he shouted. "I want to live forever and rule forever! The democracy is not about to happen! That means that they'll vote my son and me out of the government, which I'm not about to let happen! Anyway, I can't wait to get those Dragonspaceballs! I'm going to wish for immortality first, and then I'll wish for all of the porn magazine companies in the universe to belong to me, and then I'll wish for all the women in those magazines to become my harem! This is going to be great!"
He began to ogle the centerfold in Playchangeling again when a sharp female voice cut into his thoughts. "President Screw!"
A startled President Screw abruptly threw the dirty magazine behind his back, as the video screen came on. A pretty blonde with blue eyes and perfect skin and body looked at her president in deep scrutiny. President Screw stammered, "Commanderette Eighteen! Hello! I was just…concentrating, yes, that's it!"
"Sure you were," Commanderette Eighteen said sarcastically, rolling her aqua eyes. "Concentrating on Miss January again, President?"
President Screw stammered, "No, no! It wasn't Miss January I was concentrating on, it was Miss June!"
"Whatever," Commanderette Eighteen sighed. She hoped those rumors of President Screw wanting to wish for immortality weren't true. He was already living too long for her taste.
"Anyway, your son, Dark Horns, has informed us that Princess Bulma's luxury Mercedes is in sight, and Screwball 1000 is closing in on her."
"Goody!" President Screw exclaimed happily, as he swung around in his giant office chair like a little boy. He cried out when he bumped his head into the camera filming him and got one of his horns stuck in the camera lens, breaking the lens. The frustrated grips and cameramen struggled to free him while Commanderette Eighteen looked on, shaking her golden head in disbelief.
"Shall I have Baldy beam you to the control room, sire?"
President Screw, who was finally free of the camera, stammered, "I've heard that my counterpart, President Skroob on the original 'Spaceballs' movie had problems with the beaming thing. Are you sure that Baldy can do it safely?"
Commanderette Eighteen smiled lasciviously. "Oh, he can, sire, and much more than safely! He sure knows how to beam a woman--I mean anyone! He beamed me like no man had ever beamed me before! It was the best beaming I've ever had! The things that he did-"
"Never mind! Just have Baldy beam me down there please!"
On the video screen, Commanderette Eighteen called out to Baldy, played by Krillin, who was her current lover, "Baldy, beam him down!"
"Yes, my love, er, I mean, my commander!"
President Screw stepped into the beamer next to his office desk, and within seconds, Baldy was able to beam President Screw down to the control room. But something was seriously wrong when the president arrived.
President Screw screamed in horror when he saw himself in the reflection of the control room's steel wall. His head was dangling from his waist where his legs and pelvis should have been, and his head and pelvis were standing up in the air in place of his neck and head on his shoulders.
Baldy laughed nervously. "Sorry about that, sire!"
"Th-that's all right, just beam me back, hurry! If any of my two-thousand women see me like this, I'll never get laid again!"
President Screw cried out when he realized that he had forgotten to zip his pants before coming to the control room. His erection poked out from his pants and underwear. "Why didn't anyone tell me my peter was this small?"
Everyone in the control room dared to snicker and laugh. "I believe many women did, sir," Baldy dared to say. "But you wouldn't believe them."
President Screw growled, "Oh, never mind! Just beam me back to normal!"
"Yes, sir! Beaming you back now!"
President Screw was thankful to be beamed back into his own office and in normal condition, and Commanderette Eighteen grinned at him. "Did you have a nice head trip, sire?"
President Screw snarled, "No thanks to you!"
"Would you like Baldy to try it again, sire?"
"Hell, no! I'll just walk to the office, thank you!" And with that President Screw walked out of his office-and into a cave on a now smelly swamp planet.
He saw his son, Dark Horns, getting ready to fight Captain Zarbon, with a strange, but lovely young cat-like woman with red and green hair.
Dark Horns cried out, "Chestra is my woman!"
"DARK HORNS!" President Screw growled. "Aren't you supposed to be finding Princess Bulma and capturing her?"
"Who in the hell is Princess Bulma, Father? And why in the hell are you wearing a suit? And why are you calling me Dark Horns?"
"Um, King Cold, I believe, that you walked onto the fanfiction set of Chestra, one of Sawnya's other fanfictions," Captain Zarbon stammered. "If you are looking for the fanfiction set of Dragonspaceballs, you'll need to go back inside and use the door next to the one that you just came out of."
President Screw stammered himself. "Th-thank you, Zarbon, I'll do that." And with that, the president left while Frieza was shouting more threats at Zarbon.
President Screw was relieved to find himself once again on Dragonspaceballs, and he was within the control room within a nanosecond. Everyone levitated into the air when someone shouted, "All rise for President Screw!"
Two blond young human girls came rushing to meet him, as they were both dressed in lovely white, sparkling evening gowns just barely appropriate for girls their age. President Screw tickled one of the young girls and said, chuckling, "Hello Mary Kate!"
"I'm Ashley!"
He turned to the other girl and said, smiling, "Hello, Ashley!"
"I'm Mary Kate!"
President Screw was puzzled. "You girls look older than you do in real life. Why's that?"
"When Sawnya hired us for cameos, she changed our ages to make us seven years older than we really are, so that we could legally play the parts of two of your many women without her being sued or charged," Mary Kate replied easily, kissing President Screw's cheek. "Plus, Ash and I are big fans of DBZ and it's villains, which include you, King Cold-I mean President Screw!"
President Screw grinned then. "Commanderette Eighteen! Make a note to send Sawnya flowers later for hiring these delicious young women! Did I ever mention that I love 'Full House' and all of the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movies?"
Commanderette Eighteeen sighed, as she wrote down her boss's request. "A hundred times a day, sire."
"Is Princess Bulma within sight yet?"
"Yes, sire. Her ship is nearing Screwball 1000 now, approximately one thousand leagues close to it, sire."
"Good! Tell my son that he must take the princess alive! And tell him that he cannot screw her before we return her! The last time he screwed a princess that we took for ransom, she became pregnant, and we were hit for that whopping billion-spacezeni lawsuit! Now thanks to my son not being able to keep his pants zipped, I have to shell out fifty-thousand spacezeni a month until the brat turns eighteen!"
"Like father, like son," Commanderette Eighteen mumbled under her breath.
"What the hell did you say?"
Baldy took up for his lover. "She said, that you are a good father to your son."
The president grinned. "I am, aren't I? Now see that annoying spawn of mine captures the princess! And tell him I'll cut off his allowance if he screws up!"
"Yes, sire!"
On Dark Horns' mother ship, otherwise known as Screwball 1000…
Dark Horns could see Princess Bulma's ship right in front of his ship. He grinned evilly, even though his father had forbidden him to seduce the princess before returning her. He pulled down his mask, so that he could sound more like Darth Vader through it. He said in a deep baritone voice, "Fire across her butt first!"
"Sire," Porto Rico began. (He was wearing a giant band-aid across what private parts he had left.) "How are we going to reach her butt?"
"The ship's butt, you fool! Literally, fire across the trunk as a warning shot! Fire, aim, ready!"
The men and women gunners began aiming at the white Mercedes that was carrying Princess Bulma, and the luxury car ship began to shake and turn side to side.
Dark Horns was still not pleased. "I said aim at her butt, not up it!"
"But sire, you told us to fire, aim, ready!" Kiwi protested.
"Um…sire," Captain Zarbon spoke up. "Shouldn't that be 'Ready, aim, fire'?"
Dark Horns said, embarrassed, "Um…right. Ready, aim…whatever else he said!"
The gunners were still aiming pitifully at Princess Bulma's ship despite Dark Horn's new orders. Dark Horns growled, "What the hell are you fools doing?"
A humanoid female gunner looked over at his liege with blank, unseeing eyes. "Sorry, sire, we're doing our best!"
Dark Horns then realized that the woman was blind. "Who made you a gunner?"
An older, blind, short humanoid male with gray hair spoke up cheerfully, "I did, sire! She's my sister."
Dark Horns hissed to Captain Zarbon, "Who is he?"
"He's a Blind-Fool, sire," Captain Zarbon said calmly.
"I know that! And his sister?"
"She's a Blind-Fool too, sire," the older gunner declared proudly. "Her name is Ima, sire. Full name, Ima Blind-Fool, Sergeant."
"And your name?" Dark Horns snarled.
"My name is Hesa, sire. As in Hesa Blind-Fool, Major."
Turning towards her liege's voice, another humanoid woman, middle-aged and also blind, said happily, "And I'm their sister, sire, Lieutenant Shesa Blind-Fool."
A frustrated Dark Horns asked, "How many blind fools are there in this control room?"
"I am!" Almost everyone except Captain Zarbon, Porto Rico, and Kiwi moved their heads in the direction of Dark Horns. All of the answerers had the same blank, unseeing eyes of various colors.
Lieutenant Shesa added proudly, "And my siblings and I are ones of charge of all of them!"
Captain Zarbon whispered aside to Dark Horns, "Talk about the blind leading the blind."
Dark Horns growled, deep and low. "Tell me about it. I always thought that I was surrounded by blind fools, and this confirms my theory-or my worst fears!" He sighed, realizing that he was going to have to with what he had. "All right, you blind fools, keep firing!"
All of the Blind-Fools kept firing randomly at Princess Bulma's ship, finally creating some damage now and then, denting and scorching the expensive exterior.
Princess Bulma's ship…
Chichi Matrix clung to Bulma and cried, "I'm scared!"
Bulma said indignantly, fluffing her expensive Vera Winger-Wang gown, "That's it! We don't have to take this anymore! I don't have to take this anymore! I'm a princess! I'm calling my daddy!"
She pulled out her car "princess" phone and dialed 1-800-DROOLIA. An automated sunny voice came on the line, saying, "You have reached 1-800-DROOLIA; if you have a touch-tone phone, please press one now. If you don't have a touch-tone phone, tough-titty, baby!"
"I hate automated services!" Bulma wailed, as she pressed one.
"Press one if you wish to buy Capsule Corp. products. Press two, if you wish to make reservations at Capsule Corp. Café. Press three, if you wish to borrow the Dragonspaceballs for your wishes. Press four, if you wish to sue Droolia for wishes gone wrong. Press five, if you know of an assassination attempt on King Briefs, Queen Briefs, or Princess Bulma Briefs. Press six, if you actually plan to make an assassination attempt on the three parties involved. Press seven, for any inquires, and for you to press seven, honey, somebody better be trying to blow up the planet or trying to use the Dragonspaceballs to wish his or herself to be of the opposite sex!"
Bulma, gnashing her teeth, pressed five reluctantly.
"You have pressed five for assassination attempts on the royal family. Press one if the hired killers involved are using nuclear bombs. Press two if the hired killers are planning to kill any royal family members with repetitious Barney, Pokemon, or Sifl and Olly music, so that the victims will try to commit suicide to escape. And press three, if…"
"That's it!" Bulma snarled. "If I live through this, Chichi, I am having automated services banned!"