Chapter Seven: Baba The Wise…Guy?
Baba floated on her crystal ball towards her visitors. She grinned cockily and said to the astonished onlookers, "So, you have heard of me, I see?"
"Well, who in the hell hasn't, old woman?" Lone Prince declared angrily, after getting up. He was dusting himself off and glaring at Bulma, who hissed:
"LONE PRINCE! THAT IS BABA THAT YOU ARE ADDRESSING LIKE THAT!"
"That's alright," Baba assured her. "I'll kill him when I get tired of him enough."
"You're Baba the Almighty!" Chichi Matrix shrieked excitedly.
"Baba the incredible, wonderful, exciting…oh, yeah, now I remember you!" Hurl exclaimed. "Umm…sorry about the beauty cracks earlier."
"Yeah, yeah," Baba told him.
"I can't believe it!" Bulma cried. "Baba The Most Successful Businesswoman In The Universe! Your self-help books are well known throughout the galaxies! My father and I have read all of your books, including 'Baba Can Help You Succeed In Intergalactic Business', 'Baba Can Help You Make Millions In Minutes'…."
"Not to mention 'Baba Can Help You Quit Smoking', 'Baba Can Help You Lose Weight', 'Baba Can Help You Take Over The World, Or Even The Universe…" Chichi Matrix babbled.
"And my personal favorite," Hurl interrupted, "was "Baba Can Help You Overcome Your Porn Addiction."
"Which you only read the first few pages of," Lone Prince retorted. "Although, I'll give you credit, Hurl, that was the first piece of literature that I saw you look at that had more words than pictures in a millennium."
"Ah, it's not that big of a deal…oh, well, hell it is!" Baba laughed. "I guess I do deserve all this fuss, especially over my books, but that's not my main thing these days."
"Then what is your main thing?" Bulma asked.
"Well, the fortune-telling business is going slow lately, so I decided to do what my counterpart, Yogi…no, that's Yogurt…did…go into…MERCHANDISING."
"Merchandising?" everyone exclaimed.
"That's right," Baba told them. "Sawnya couldn't afford the merchandising and advertising herself, and since I already have more money than Sawnya is likely to have in a lifetime, I decided to help…and make myself a few extra bucks on the side."
Baba then floated on her crystal ball over to a stony panel in a wall. She barked orders for Lu-Lu to press a button to open it, and Lu-Lu did. The panel slid into the wall, revealing…a gift shop featuring assorted merchandise.
"Amazing!" everyone exclaimed.
"LA-LA!" all the La-La girls cooed happily.
Baba jumped off of her crystal ball and walked over to her counter, where she croaked heartily, "This is where 'Dragonspaceballs' is going to make its money…with shameless merchandising. Just take a look at these novelties! We have Dragonspaceballs-the-Pasta, with cute little noodles made with my face, Bulma's face, Vegeta-I mean Lone Prince's face, and so on and so forth."
She then picked up a colorful black and orange box of "Dragonspaceballs-the-Breakfast-Cereal" that had a picture on the box of Lone Prince and Hurl greedily eating the cereal. ("High in calories, sugar, carbohydrates, no essential vitamins or nutrients, but stays extra crispy in milk, not to mention that the cereal comes with a free crystal ball; that's why the box is bulging.") And then she went on to show them Dragonspaceballs-the-Video-Game, which was available in only all Nintendoä and Segaä versions for now. She also showed them "Dragonspaceballs-the-Home-Pregnancy-Test" ("A picture of Chichi Matrix shows on the tab, if your preggers, and also includes her voice saying, 'That's what you get for ignoring the Virgin Alarm!'"
Bulma and Lone Prince couldn't help laughing at that last one, but Chichi Matrix was seething, with steam coming out of her metal ears.
Baba continued on with products such as "Dragonspaceballs-the-Rogaineä -Rip-off"…that had a picture of Hurl on the box! ("I'll be happy to give Baldy there a free sample.") (Lone Prince had to hold Hurl back from blasting her away.)
"Also," she added, "there are more goodies such as 'Dragonspaceballs-the-Condom.' A man should always protect his own balls. Comes in assorted flavors and textures, now including lambskin."
"I'll take a hundred of those packages!" Lone Prince told her. He winked at Bulma and declared wickedly, "Why don't you help me try them out?"
Before Bulma could respond, Chichi Matrix snapped, "You even think of practicing those things with her, and I'll make sure that you'll never have use for a condom again-because you won't have anything to put a condom on!"
Lone Prince growled at her, as Baba continued on, "And we also have other things, such as Dragonspaceballs-the-Toothbrush, Dragonspaceballs-the-Thong, Dragonspaceballs-the-Vibrator…never mind, that was discontinued…Dragonspaceballs-the-Mousepad, Dragonspaceballs-the-Cola, Dragonspaceballs-the-Ki-Blaster-Gun (the top-selling-item among kids, as well as the leading cause of death among kids under sixteen these days, but they're still selling!) And here is my personal favorite…the first item of my Dragonspaceballs-the-Doll Collection, starting off with yours truly."
She held a cute, squat doll of herself and pulled the pull-string out of her back. The doll croaked, "May the Fartz Be With You."
The La-La girls giggled, as Baba cuddled her doll replica to her ample chest. "Isn't she cute?"
Suddenly Lone Prince remembered something. "I have heard of this Fartz that you speak of. It is the greatest-working magic in the universe, as well as the smelliest, am I correct?"
Baba grinned. "You've got it! And I happen to be the keeper! I even provide free clothespins to those I teach the power of the Fartz to! Would you like to try it out?"
"Hell yes!"
Baba smirked, holding up a ring that glowed-and began to reek of an actual fart. She walked over to Lone Prince, who was holding his widow's peak nose.
"Lu-Lu, pass out the clothespins please," Baba told her Head La-La Girl.
"La-la."
In President Screw's bedroom (heaven help us)…
In the Screwball President's bedroom were several bodies moving around under a green "Dragonspaceballs-the-Quilt" on an emperor-sized bed the size of half a football field. A light was glowing underneath the thick quilt, and Mary Kate, one of the bodies was giggling.
"Oooh, President, you sure know how to please a girl!"
"Why thank you!"
"Oh, more, President, more please!" Ashley gushed.
"With pleasure!"
"Again, we want you to do that again!" Mary Kate added.
"You just do that so well, President!" Ashley squealed. "I haven't this much fun with an older man in a while!"
President Screw under the covers laughed wickedly, as Ashley and Mary Kate begged for more. Under the quilt, Mary Kate was holding up a flashlight, and she and Ashley were laughing and giggling while President Screw was doing…SHADOW PUPPETS?
Yes, shadow puppets. Strange, but true.
"Make that alligator again!" Ashley cried.
"No, do a bunny!" Mary Kate exclaimed.
"How about a butterfly?" President Screw told them.
"Yes, do a butterfly!"
President Screw formed his large hands into a butterfly shape. He was debating on what to do next when suddenly a sharp female voice cut through the quilt, "PRESIDENT SCREW!"
"Quick, girls, stay down!" President Screw ordered his playmates, as he struggled to get his head out from underneath the covers. Mary Kate and Ashley lay on the bed, flat as possible, as President Screw's head finally popped out from beneath the covers. He swiftly turned on the television.
"Well, hello, Commanderette," President Screw said casually. "Have you watched this fascinating show? It's supposed to be ranked No. 1, according to the Leslie Nielsen ratings this week. Very funny, yet dramatic!"
Commanderette Eighteen, whose beautiful face was now on the teleview wall in President Screw's bedroom looked at the television and muttered sarcastically, "Yes, President, I can see how a show featuring a color test pattern would steal all of the ratings."
President Screw, embarrassed, abruptly flipped the television off. He laughed nervously. "Heh, heh, okay, okay, I was playing shadow puppets! Shadow puppets!"
"Shadow puppets," Commanderette Eighteen said skeptically. "So that's what you're calling your bedroom activities these days. Last time I heard, it was called humping…but anyway, President…I have an urgent message from your son. He's lost the princess."
"Lost the princess?" President Screw screamed. "I can understand losing a sock, or even a condom now and then…Kami knows I've done it a few times…but losing a princess?"
"He lost her somewhere on the sands of Sega," Commanderette Eighteen continued.
President Screw yelled, "Tell my son and his people to scour the desert! Do you hear me? SCOUR THE DESERT!"
"Yes, sire."
In the desert sands of Sega…
Dark Horns, Captain Zarbon, and Porto Rico were sitting on top of a giant, twenty-foot-tall pasteboard box that was in the colors of bright orange, yellow, and blue. Porto Rico was trying to read the box cover from where he was sitting.
"S…O…S…" he murmured. "I always thought that SOS meant 'Same Old Shi-"
"Yes, yes, it could mean that, Porto," Captain Zarbon spoke quickly. He turned to Dark Horns, who was choking on the blinding sand particles stirred up in the desert winds. Zarbon coughed repeatedly himself before asking, "Sire, aren't we taking things a bit too literally?"
Dark Horns was holding a bullhorn, and he screamed at Zarbon through it, "No, fool! My father said to scour the desert! We're just following orders! He said scour the desert, so we're going to scour it until it's clean!"
Porto Rico coughed in all the sand blowing around. "Hack! Hack! I-I understand, sire, but did we really have to use scouring pads?"
"Of course, fatso!" Dark Horns exclaimed his bullhorn. "How are we supposed to scour without scouring pads?" He then bellowed through his bullhorn again to a group of soldiers scouring the sands slowly with an SOSä scouring pad, "Find anything yet?"
"No, sire, we haven't!"
Dark Horns then called to a group using a Scotch Briteä pad, "Did you have any luck?"
"No, sire!"
He then called to a lone man, who was using a giant raggedy white t-shirt to scour the sands, "How about you?"
The lone man, who was coated with sand, hissed, "I ain't found jack!"
"How about Jill?" Porto Rico called out, and both Captain Zarbon and Dark Horns cuffed him sharply, avoiding his spikes.
Back at Baba's Temple, the next morning…
At breakfast time, Baba was holding Lone Prince's mysterious lapel pin and studying it intensively. All of them were having "Dragonspaceballs-the-Cereal" along with pancakes made from the "Dragonspaceballs-the-Pancake-And-Waffle-Mix".
Lone Prince commented, as he poured some "Dragonspaceballs-the-Pancake-Syrup" onto a three-feet-tall stack of pancakes, "I've taken it to all the wisest people in the universe that I know of." He swiftly began to gobble down the pancakes starting from the top.
"Ha!" Baba chortled, which voiced her opinion of the so-called "wise men" that Lone Prince had taken his lapel pin too. "Hmm…hack, hock, heck, hork, gag, gag, gag!"
"You can interpret it?" Lone Prince asked hopefully, shoving a giant pancake into his mouth. "What is it saying?"
"Saying? Hack, hack, cough, and cough…oh, you mean the pin? Sorry, I nearly choked on my pancakes. I'm going to have to work more on that pancake mix, but anyway, let me get back to your pin. Hmm…yes, yes, ah…I can read it! I can!"
"What does it say?" Lone Prince asked impatiently.
"Oh…can't say right now, sorry," Baba said casually, and she resumed her eating.
"Why the hell not?"
"Because now, my impatient young man, is not the proper time. You will know what you need to know about it when you need to know about it. Sorry."
"Oh, you'll be sorry, alright, old woman, when I-"
"LONE PRINCE!" Bulma scolded. "I'm sure that Baba will tell you when she deems it necessary. Leave her alone; eat your breakfast."
"I want to know now!" Lone Prince demanded.
"Shut up!" Baba snapped. "Look, I promise that you will know when you need to, okay? Let's go work on your Fartz training. I hope that everyone's done eating."
Everyone was, except for Hurl, who was on his tenth helping of pancakes. They decided not to wait for him, and so Bulma, Chichi Matrix, and Lone Prince followed Baba over to Baba's giant statue. Baba handed Lone Prince her ring, which was a platinum ring with a huge ruby "F" on the crest. Lone Prince slowly slid it onto his empty ring finger. Lu-Lu, who had joined them, quickly passed around the clothespins, and everyone promptly put them on their noses, except for Baba, who was used to the smell.
"Now, Lone Prince," Baba told him. "I want you to lift that statue of me using the power of the Fartz. Point it at that statue."
"Old woman, I don't see how I'm supposed to lift that statue with this itty-bitty ring-"
"NEVER, EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FARTZ, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOW DO IT!"
Lone Prince wisely kept his mouth shut after that, as he pointed the ring towards the statue of Baba. He closed his eyes, and the veins in his head bulged. He growled under his breath, trying not to pay any attention to the raucous smell coming from the ring. His face was tight, and his body was tense.
"That's it," Baba told him. "Just concentrate; you can do it."
Finally, after ten tense minutes, the statue of Baba began to levitate off of the stone ground. Lu-Lu squealed with many la-la's at Lone Prince's strength and the power of the Fartz.
At that same moment, Hurl, who had finished eating after his twelfth helping of pancakes, came towards the statue of Baba, looking for the men's room. His long Saiyan tail was waving in the stagnant air like a rope tossing in the wind. He then saw a penny on the ground, and he bent down to pick it up. His tail slid underneath the statue of Baba.
"Hey, Lone Prince!" Hurl called. "I found a lucky penny-hey, how were you able to lift that statue? I didn't even notice until now! Man, that's incredible! How did you-"
At that moment Lone Prince lost his concentration and the statue of Baba came crashing down onto poor Hurl's tail.
"OWWWWWWWWW!!" Hurl screamed in pure pain and terror. "Ow, ow, ow. OW! WOW! OHHHHHH!! OW!! HELP!!"
Lone Prince was horrified, as Baba swiftly yanked the ring off of his finger. "Quick, outta my way!" she commanded, seeing Hurl's pain.
"Hurl, hold on!" Lone Prince cried.
Baba slid the ring onto her ring finger quickly and cried, "Uppa, uppa, uppahurry, uppanowie! UP!"
The statue of Baba quickly arose off of the ground, and poor Hurl rapidly pulled his tail out from underneath the statue. Hurl was crying, tears flowing freely down his chiseled face, as he looked at his tail, which was now flat-and was now expanded three feet wider than before. His monkey's tail now resembled a beaver's tail.
"OH! Oh, ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, oh, oh," Hurl sobbed.
"Hurl, are you alright?" Bulma asked.
"Don't knoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!" Hurl wailed, as Bulma swiftly pulled out a capsule from her Prada bag. She rushed over to Hurl's tail and began to dab some healing liquid on it. She blew on his tail easily, and slowly the pain in Hurl's tail began to ease, although it was still very flat.
"Hurl, are you okay?" Lone Prince asked.
"I-I think…ohhhhhh!" Hurl groaned.
Later that night in Bulma and Chichi Matrix's bedroom…
Baba had given Bulma and Chichi Matrix a very nice bedroom with two twin beds "fit for a princess", that had each had pink silk bedcovers on them with ruffles. The mattresses were soft and molded themselves perfectly to their bodies, and the comforters were goose-down.
Bulma was almost asleep when she smelled a familiar manly scent close to her. She sat up abruptly, as she found Lone Prince tenderly stroking her hair and cheek. Chichi Matrix was in sleep mode.
"So very beautiful…" he murmured, bending over to kiss her lightly on her forehead. She had just bathed, and she smelled like roses, a scent that was making all of his Saiyan hormones go into overdrive.
"Shhh…" Bulma admonished him, although she was enjoying his attention. Lone Prince bent down to kiss her gently on her lips, and Bulma obliged him by kissing back. She wrapped her arms around his neck, as Lone Prince climbed onto the bed next to her. His lips kissed a slow trail down to her creamy throat, tickling her tender flesh with his tongue.
"Lone Prince…" she murmured. "We…can't do this…"
"Why not?" he whispered.
"We just can't."
Lone Prince sighed heavily. "Woman, I really do want you…it's been a long time since I've found anyone whom I find so attractive, so desirable. I don't understand why we can't just do what we're meant to do together."
Bulma then smiled.
"So seriously, woman, why not?"
Bulma chuckled, and then she whispered, as her lips met Lone Prince's, "I have to disable Chichi's 'Virgin Alarm' function first."
"You can do that?" Lone Prince whispered hopefully, as he began to kiss her repeatedly. "And then can we…"
"Yes, yes," Bulma whispered fervently. "If you can control yourself for ten minutes, I can fix that little annoying feature that Father had insisted on putting in her. Do you think you and your little friend between your legs can hold out for that long?"
Lone Prince didn't think so, but he and his "little friend" knew that it was the only to get what they wanted. "Of course, woman, but hurry."
Bulma kissed him softly, and Lone Prince helped her out of bed. The blue-haired princess then slyly reached into her nightstand drawer to pull out her toolbox, and then she crept over to Chichi Matrix's bed, where she opened the panel in Chichi's back.
Lone Prince sat on the edge of Bulma's bed, and he grinned, pulling out a box of "Dragonspaceballs-the-Condoms". He chuckled.
"If these little rubbers work, I'll be more than happy to be the spokesman for these things," he whispered to himself, as Bulma continued to "operate" on Chichi.
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A/N: Ah, shall I do a lemon? It takes me so much nerve to get up to writing these things, and I've only done it once really (if any of my "Chestra" readers remember--the famous CHAPTER FOURTEEN). Will Lone Prince and Bulma go through with it, or will something (or someone) interrupt them once more? Find out next chapter! And wish me luck, if I do decide to do one.
Baba floated on her crystal ball towards her visitors. She grinned cockily and said to the astonished onlookers, "So, you have heard of me, I see?"
"Well, who in the hell hasn't, old woman?" Lone Prince declared angrily, after getting up. He was dusting himself off and glaring at Bulma, who hissed:
"LONE PRINCE! THAT IS BABA THAT YOU ARE ADDRESSING LIKE THAT!"
"That's alright," Baba assured her. "I'll kill him when I get tired of him enough."
"You're Baba the Almighty!" Chichi Matrix shrieked excitedly.
"Baba the incredible, wonderful, exciting…oh, yeah, now I remember you!" Hurl exclaimed. "Umm…sorry about the beauty cracks earlier."
"Yeah, yeah," Baba told him.
"I can't believe it!" Bulma cried. "Baba The Most Successful Businesswoman In The Universe! Your self-help books are well known throughout the galaxies! My father and I have read all of your books, including 'Baba Can Help You Succeed In Intergalactic Business', 'Baba Can Help You Make Millions In Minutes'…."
"Not to mention 'Baba Can Help You Quit Smoking', 'Baba Can Help You Lose Weight', 'Baba Can Help You Take Over The World, Or Even The Universe…" Chichi Matrix babbled.
"And my personal favorite," Hurl interrupted, "was "Baba Can Help You Overcome Your Porn Addiction."
"Which you only read the first few pages of," Lone Prince retorted. "Although, I'll give you credit, Hurl, that was the first piece of literature that I saw you look at that had more words than pictures in a millennium."
"Ah, it's not that big of a deal…oh, well, hell it is!" Baba laughed. "I guess I do deserve all this fuss, especially over my books, but that's not my main thing these days."
"Then what is your main thing?" Bulma asked.
"Well, the fortune-telling business is going slow lately, so I decided to do what my counterpart, Yogi…no, that's Yogurt…did…go into…MERCHANDISING."
"Merchandising?" everyone exclaimed.
"That's right," Baba told them. "Sawnya couldn't afford the merchandising and advertising herself, and since I already have more money than Sawnya is likely to have in a lifetime, I decided to help…and make myself a few extra bucks on the side."
Baba then floated on her crystal ball over to a stony panel in a wall. She barked orders for Lu-Lu to press a button to open it, and Lu-Lu did. The panel slid into the wall, revealing…a gift shop featuring assorted merchandise.
"Amazing!" everyone exclaimed.
"LA-LA!" all the La-La girls cooed happily.
Baba jumped off of her crystal ball and walked over to her counter, where she croaked heartily, "This is where 'Dragonspaceballs' is going to make its money…with shameless merchandising. Just take a look at these novelties! We have Dragonspaceballs-the-Pasta, with cute little noodles made with my face, Bulma's face, Vegeta-I mean Lone Prince's face, and so on and so forth."
She then picked up a colorful black and orange box of "Dragonspaceballs-the-Breakfast-Cereal" that had a picture on the box of Lone Prince and Hurl greedily eating the cereal. ("High in calories, sugar, carbohydrates, no essential vitamins or nutrients, but stays extra crispy in milk, not to mention that the cereal comes with a free crystal ball; that's why the box is bulging.") And then she went on to show them Dragonspaceballs-the-Video-Game, which was available in only all Nintendoä and Segaä versions for now. She also showed them "Dragonspaceballs-the-Home-Pregnancy-Test" ("A picture of Chichi Matrix shows on the tab, if your preggers, and also includes her voice saying, 'That's what you get for ignoring the Virgin Alarm!'"
Bulma and Lone Prince couldn't help laughing at that last one, but Chichi Matrix was seething, with steam coming out of her metal ears.
Baba continued on with products such as "Dragonspaceballs-the-Rogaineä -Rip-off"…that had a picture of Hurl on the box! ("I'll be happy to give Baldy there a free sample.") (Lone Prince had to hold Hurl back from blasting her away.)
"Also," she added, "there are more goodies such as 'Dragonspaceballs-the-Condom.' A man should always protect his own balls. Comes in assorted flavors and textures, now including lambskin."
"I'll take a hundred of those packages!" Lone Prince told her. He winked at Bulma and declared wickedly, "Why don't you help me try them out?"
Before Bulma could respond, Chichi Matrix snapped, "You even think of practicing those things with her, and I'll make sure that you'll never have use for a condom again-because you won't have anything to put a condom on!"
Lone Prince growled at her, as Baba continued on, "And we also have other things, such as Dragonspaceballs-the-Toothbrush, Dragonspaceballs-the-Thong, Dragonspaceballs-the-Vibrator…never mind, that was discontinued…Dragonspaceballs-the-Mousepad, Dragonspaceballs-the-Cola, Dragonspaceballs-the-Ki-Blaster-Gun (the top-selling-item among kids, as well as the leading cause of death among kids under sixteen these days, but they're still selling!) And here is my personal favorite…the first item of my Dragonspaceballs-the-Doll Collection, starting off with yours truly."
She held a cute, squat doll of herself and pulled the pull-string out of her back. The doll croaked, "May the Fartz Be With You."
The La-La girls giggled, as Baba cuddled her doll replica to her ample chest. "Isn't she cute?"
Suddenly Lone Prince remembered something. "I have heard of this Fartz that you speak of. It is the greatest-working magic in the universe, as well as the smelliest, am I correct?"
Baba grinned. "You've got it! And I happen to be the keeper! I even provide free clothespins to those I teach the power of the Fartz to! Would you like to try it out?"
"Hell yes!"
Baba smirked, holding up a ring that glowed-and began to reek of an actual fart. She walked over to Lone Prince, who was holding his widow's peak nose.
"Lu-Lu, pass out the clothespins please," Baba told her Head La-La Girl.
"La-la."
In President Screw's bedroom (heaven help us)…
In the Screwball President's bedroom were several bodies moving around under a green "Dragonspaceballs-the-Quilt" on an emperor-sized bed the size of half a football field. A light was glowing underneath the thick quilt, and Mary Kate, one of the bodies was giggling.
"Oooh, President, you sure know how to please a girl!"
"Why thank you!"
"Oh, more, President, more please!" Ashley gushed.
"With pleasure!"
"Again, we want you to do that again!" Mary Kate added.
"You just do that so well, President!" Ashley squealed. "I haven't this much fun with an older man in a while!"
President Screw under the covers laughed wickedly, as Ashley and Mary Kate begged for more. Under the quilt, Mary Kate was holding up a flashlight, and she and Ashley were laughing and giggling while President Screw was doing…SHADOW PUPPETS?
Yes, shadow puppets. Strange, but true.
"Make that alligator again!" Ashley cried.
"No, do a bunny!" Mary Kate exclaimed.
"How about a butterfly?" President Screw told them.
"Yes, do a butterfly!"
President Screw formed his large hands into a butterfly shape. He was debating on what to do next when suddenly a sharp female voice cut through the quilt, "PRESIDENT SCREW!"
"Quick, girls, stay down!" President Screw ordered his playmates, as he struggled to get his head out from underneath the covers. Mary Kate and Ashley lay on the bed, flat as possible, as President Screw's head finally popped out from beneath the covers. He swiftly turned on the television.
"Well, hello, Commanderette," President Screw said casually. "Have you watched this fascinating show? It's supposed to be ranked No. 1, according to the Leslie Nielsen ratings this week. Very funny, yet dramatic!"
Commanderette Eighteen, whose beautiful face was now on the teleview wall in President Screw's bedroom looked at the television and muttered sarcastically, "Yes, President, I can see how a show featuring a color test pattern would steal all of the ratings."
President Screw, embarrassed, abruptly flipped the television off. He laughed nervously. "Heh, heh, okay, okay, I was playing shadow puppets! Shadow puppets!"
"Shadow puppets," Commanderette Eighteen said skeptically. "So that's what you're calling your bedroom activities these days. Last time I heard, it was called humping…but anyway, President…I have an urgent message from your son. He's lost the princess."
"Lost the princess?" President Screw screamed. "I can understand losing a sock, or even a condom now and then…Kami knows I've done it a few times…but losing a princess?"
"He lost her somewhere on the sands of Sega," Commanderette Eighteen continued.
President Screw yelled, "Tell my son and his people to scour the desert! Do you hear me? SCOUR THE DESERT!"
"Yes, sire."
In the desert sands of Sega…
Dark Horns, Captain Zarbon, and Porto Rico were sitting on top of a giant, twenty-foot-tall pasteboard box that was in the colors of bright orange, yellow, and blue. Porto Rico was trying to read the box cover from where he was sitting.
"S…O…S…" he murmured. "I always thought that SOS meant 'Same Old Shi-"
"Yes, yes, it could mean that, Porto," Captain Zarbon spoke quickly. He turned to Dark Horns, who was choking on the blinding sand particles stirred up in the desert winds. Zarbon coughed repeatedly himself before asking, "Sire, aren't we taking things a bit too literally?"
Dark Horns was holding a bullhorn, and he screamed at Zarbon through it, "No, fool! My father said to scour the desert! We're just following orders! He said scour the desert, so we're going to scour it until it's clean!"
Porto Rico coughed in all the sand blowing around. "Hack! Hack! I-I understand, sire, but did we really have to use scouring pads?"
"Of course, fatso!" Dark Horns exclaimed his bullhorn. "How are we supposed to scour without scouring pads?" He then bellowed through his bullhorn again to a group of soldiers scouring the sands slowly with an SOSä scouring pad, "Find anything yet?"
"No, sire, we haven't!"
Dark Horns then called to a group using a Scotch Briteä pad, "Did you have any luck?"
"No, sire!"
He then called to a lone man, who was using a giant raggedy white t-shirt to scour the sands, "How about you?"
The lone man, who was coated with sand, hissed, "I ain't found jack!"
"How about Jill?" Porto Rico called out, and both Captain Zarbon and Dark Horns cuffed him sharply, avoiding his spikes.
Back at Baba's Temple, the next morning…
At breakfast time, Baba was holding Lone Prince's mysterious lapel pin and studying it intensively. All of them were having "Dragonspaceballs-the-Cereal" along with pancakes made from the "Dragonspaceballs-the-Pancake-And-Waffle-Mix".
Lone Prince commented, as he poured some "Dragonspaceballs-the-Pancake-Syrup" onto a three-feet-tall stack of pancakes, "I've taken it to all the wisest people in the universe that I know of." He swiftly began to gobble down the pancakes starting from the top.
"Ha!" Baba chortled, which voiced her opinion of the so-called "wise men" that Lone Prince had taken his lapel pin too. "Hmm…hack, hock, heck, hork, gag, gag, gag!"
"You can interpret it?" Lone Prince asked hopefully, shoving a giant pancake into his mouth. "What is it saying?"
"Saying? Hack, hack, cough, and cough…oh, you mean the pin? Sorry, I nearly choked on my pancakes. I'm going to have to work more on that pancake mix, but anyway, let me get back to your pin. Hmm…yes, yes, ah…I can read it! I can!"
"What does it say?" Lone Prince asked impatiently.
"Oh…can't say right now, sorry," Baba said casually, and she resumed her eating.
"Why the hell not?"
"Because now, my impatient young man, is not the proper time. You will know what you need to know about it when you need to know about it. Sorry."
"Oh, you'll be sorry, alright, old woman, when I-"
"LONE PRINCE!" Bulma scolded. "I'm sure that Baba will tell you when she deems it necessary. Leave her alone; eat your breakfast."
"I want to know now!" Lone Prince demanded.
"Shut up!" Baba snapped. "Look, I promise that you will know when you need to, okay? Let's go work on your Fartz training. I hope that everyone's done eating."
Everyone was, except for Hurl, who was on his tenth helping of pancakes. They decided not to wait for him, and so Bulma, Chichi Matrix, and Lone Prince followed Baba over to Baba's giant statue. Baba handed Lone Prince her ring, which was a platinum ring with a huge ruby "F" on the crest. Lone Prince slowly slid it onto his empty ring finger. Lu-Lu, who had joined them, quickly passed around the clothespins, and everyone promptly put them on their noses, except for Baba, who was used to the smell.
"Now, Lone Prince," Baba told him. "I want you to lift that statue of me using the power of the Fartz. Point it at that statue."
"Old woman, I don't see how I'm supposed to lift that statue with this itty-bitty ring-"
"NEVER, EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FARTZ, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOW DO IT!"
Lone Prince wisely kept his mouth shut after that, as he pointed the ring towards the statue of Baba. He closed his eyes, and the veins in his head bulged. He growled under his breath, trying not to pay any attention to the raucous smell coming from the ring. His face was tight, and his body was tense.
"That's it," Baba told him. "Just concentrate; you can do it."
Finally, after ten tense minutes, the statue of Baba began to levitate off of the stone ground. Lu-Lu squealed with many la-la's at Lone Prince's strength and the power of the Fartz.
At that same moment, Hurl, who had finished eating after his twelfth helping of pancakes, came towards the statue of Baba, looking for the men's room. His long Saiyan tail was waving in the stagnant air like a rope tossing in the wind. He then saw a penny on the ground, and he bent down to pick it up. His tail slid underneath the statue of Baba.
"Hey, Lone Prince!" Hurl called. "I found a lucky penny-hey, how were you able to lift that statue? I didn't even notice until now! Man, that's incredible! How did you-"
At that moment Lone Prince lost his concentration and the statue of Baba came crashing down onto poor Hurl's tail.
"OWWWWWWWWW!!" Hurl screamed in pure pain and terror. "Ow, ow, ow. OW! WOW! OHHHHHH!! OW!! HELP!!"
Lone Prince was horrified, as Baba swiftly yanked the ring off of his finger. "Quick, outta my way!" she commanded, seeing Hurl's pain.
"Hurl, hold on!" Lone Prince cried.
Baba slid the ring onto her ring finger quickly and cried, "Uppa, uppa, uppahurry, uppanowie! UP!"
The statue of Baba quickly arose off of the ground, and poor Hurl rapidly pulled his tail out from underneath the statue. Hurl was crying, tears flowing freely down his chiseled face, as he looked at his tail, which was now flat-and was now expanded three feet wider than before. His monkey's tail now resembled a beaver's tail.
"OH! Oh, ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, oh, oh," Hurl sobbed.
"Hurl, are you alright?" Bulma asked.
"Don't knoooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww!" Hurl wailed, as Bulma swiftly pulled out a capsule from her Prada bag. She rushed over to Hurl's tail and began to dab some healing liquid on it. She blew on his tail easily, and slowly the pain in Hurl's tail began to ease, although it was still very flat.
"Hurl, are you okay?" Lone Prince asked.
"I-I think…ohhhhhh!" Hurl groaned.
Later that night in Bulma and Chichi Matrix's bedroom…
Baba had given Bulma and Chichi Matrix a very nice bedroom with two twin beds "fit for a princess", that had each had pink silk bedcovers on them with ruffles. The mattresses were soft and molded themselves perfectly to their bodies, and the comforters were goose-down.
Bulma was almost asleep when she smelled a familiar manly scent close to her. She sat up abruptly, as she found Lone Prince tenderly stroking her hair and cheek. Chichi Matrix was in sleep mode.
"So very beautiful…" he murmured, bending over to kiss her lightly on her forehead. She had just bathed, and she smelled like roses, a scent that was making all of his Saiyan hormones go into overdrive.
"Shhh…" Bulma admonished him, although she was enjoying his attention. Lone Prince bent down to kiss her gently on her lips, and Bulma obliged him by kissing back. She wrapped her arms around his neck, as Lone Prince climbed onto the bed next to her. His lips kissed a slow trail down to her creamy throat, tickling her tender flesh with his tongue.
"Lone Prince…" she murmured. "We…can't do this…"
"Why not?" he whispered.
"We just can't."
Lone Prince sighed heavily. "Woman, I really do want you…it's been a long time since I've found anyone whom I find so attractive, so desirable. I don't understand why we can't just do what we're meant to do together."
Bulma then smiled.
"So seriously, woman, why not?"
Bulma chuckled, and then she whispered, as her lips met Lone Prince's, "I have to disable Chichi's 'Virgin Alarm' function first."
"You can do that?" Lone Prince whispered hopefully, as he began to kiss her repeatedly. "And then can we…"
"Yes, yes," Bulma whispered fervently. "If you can control yourself for ten minutes, I can fix that little annoying feature that Father had insisted on putting in her. Do you think you and your little friend between your legs can hold out for that long?"
Lone Prince didn't think so, but he and his "little friend" knew that it was the only to get what they wanted. "Of course, woman, but hurry."
Bulma kissed him softly, and Lone Prince helped her out of bed. The blue-haired princess then slyly reached into her nightstand drawer to pull out her toolbox, and then she crept over to Chichi Matrix's bed, where she opened the panel in Chichi's back.
Lone Prince sat on the edge of Bulma's bed, and he grinned, pulling out a box of "Dragonspaceballs-the-Condoms". He chuckled.
"If these little rubbers work, I'll be more than happy to be the spokesman for these things," he whispered to himself, as Bulma continued to "operate" on Chichi.
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A/N: Ah, shall I do a lemon? It takes me so much nerve to get up to writing these things, and I've only done it once really (if any of my "Chestra" readers remember--the famous CHAPTER FOURTEEN). Will Lone Prince and Bulma go through with it, or will something (or someone) interrupt them once more? Find out next chapter! And wish me luck, if I do decide to do one.