Chapter 7
'november'
And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain.
I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way.
'Cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain.
"You don't have to stand over there like that, sweetie. Come here." She patted the edge of her bed, and hesitantly I crawled onto it, feeling awkward. The way Dad always treated her these days, she seemed so fragile. I didn't want to disturb her, but she didn't seem disturbed. I had to move some of her hair out of the way, and it ran through my fingers, silky and soft as ever.
"My one remaining vanity," she murmured.
"Huh?"
"Nothing." She folded her hands in her lap as she sat propped up against the pillows, and smiled. "How are things going, Touya? How's school?"
"-t's okay."
"Making good grades?"
"Yeah. My class had a science project contest, and I won."
"Good for you! Daddy didn't even tell me that."
That was because I hadn't even told Dad, for fear that he might get distracted from taking care of Mom. I shrugged nonchalantly.
"It was no big deal. Science is easy."
"Maybe for you," she laughed. "That's one thing I know you got from your father. I'm not much for numbers."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just looked down at the covers and waited. After a beat of silence she spoke again.
"And how's your little sister doing? Is she being a good girl when you take care of her?"
"She's a pain."
"I'm sure she is. But I thank you for watching her anyway. It's such a help." At that she reached forward and patted my hand, and I puffed out my chest a little. In spite of the effort it was taking, I was proud that I could do something to contribute. It made me feel slightly easier.
"Touya?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you like watching your sister?"
"No."
She bit her lip and I wished I could take that back.
"But I can still do it," I added hastily. "I mean, while you and Dad are so busy." She nodded.
"You do a pretty good job of it, don't you?"
"I guess."
"I think you do. What would you say if I asked you to look after her for a while longer?"
I gave her a suspicious look. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…" She hesitated, trying to find the right words. "I mean, Dad's not going to be able to do everything. I was hoping I could trust you to keep an eye on your sister as she grows up."
She wasn't making any sense.
"Who cares if Dad can't do everything? That's why you're here."
She gave a little sigh and changed the topic. "Touya, do you remember when you were younger? You said you used to see things."
"I did see things." I crossed my arms out of habit, lifting my chin defiantly. My parents had never believed me, and it was annoying. "I wasn't making it up!"
"I know, I know," she said quickly. "Daddy doesn't know, but I do. Now. It's hard to explain, but sometimes my medicine makes me see things too. I'm a little confused, and I'm not really sure what it's all about, but I don't want anybody to get hurt. I'm worried Sakura might get hurt."
Now I was really lost.
"Huh?"
"It's okay, Touya, I didn't expect you to understand. I hardly do myself, after all. But you are very strong, and you are near Sakura so often, and you can see things that might hurt her. So you're the best one to watch her. See?"
My ten year-old mind could not quite grasp all the implications of this conversation, but of one thing I was fairly clear: Mom was trying to get me to agree to baby-sit Sakura for life.
"I don't want to!"
She looked down again.
"I mean, I don't need to," I amended. "You'll be able to take care of her once you're feeling better. You like her better, anyway."
"Sweetie, don't be silly. I like you both just the same."
I frowned a little.
"That wasn't what I meant. I meant, you like her better than I like her."
"Oh." She looked away again, but it was too late. I had seen that guilty look in her eyes, and part of me recoiled at it. The jealousy that I'd felt when she was first born returned in a flash, and I scowled as I slid off the bed.
"Dad said I have to let you sleep. I'm going now."
"Wait, Touya." She reached out and grabbed my wrist, wincing slightly with the effort. "You didn't promise. I can't let you leave until you promise."
"I don't need to! You'll be able to watch her when you're better!" I narrowed my eyes at her silence. "You said you're going to get better. You are going to get better, right?"
She gave a tiny sigh before looking me in the eye again.
"Yes, Touya. I am. But one has to prepare for all cases. And I need you to promise."
It wasn't something that I wanted to do; I had the feeling that if I said anything, she would be tricking me into doing something, or admitting something. But I could not deny those shimmering, pain-filled green eyes. There was something in them almost pleading.
"I promise."
Her smile lit up the room.
"Arigatou, Touya. I love you very much."
I knew I was supposed to say the same thing back to her, but I waffled and muttered something under my breath before backing away and fleeing the room.
I sat up straight in bed, breathing hard, eyes dilated. I could hardly hear anything over the racket of the rain outside. It was coming down hard, beating against the window as if it was trying to get in.
Mom… you knew. You knew and you were trying to get me to promise. Why? So you could die with a clear conscience? I'm not her mother figure. She'll never have one now.
I felt a touch of nausea and crawled out of bed, wincing at the cold touch of the floor. Summer seemed a million years ago on a night like this, with the freezing rain lashing at the house. The glowing numbers on my clock informed me that it was six o'clock in the morning.
"Go away," I muttered into the darkness. There wasn't a chance anyone was going to hear me over the rain. I laid a hand against the glass and peered out. The sun probably wasn't going to be making an appearance today, not in this depressing weather. "I do not wish to think about that time. Please leave me alone."
If she was there, she wasn't answering, and I scowled at the barely-visible shrubbery in our backyard. Six months in this new home, and still I had not put it all behind me. Still it came back to torture my nights.
"I just want to be left alone." It was a plea that fell on no ears, and I rested my forehead against the cold glass.
I knew she was going to shatter my uneasy peace once more.
- - - - - - -
The school was empty, expectant. I'd never been here this early before; the hallways were shadowy and silent without the familiar crowds of students to fill them up. They wouldn't start to arrive for another half an hour, at least.
It was all achingly familiar, and I backed into the wall in the hallway and slid down until I was on the floor. So much had changed since that day; I was taller, stronger, and smarter. But still every bit as helpless, and so I returned to that same position, same place.
From the shadows to my left, I heard her approach.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
She didn't come too close, but stood in the middle of the hall, clutching her briefcase with both hands. I could still hear the rain beating down on the school roof above us.
"Did you ever wake up," I said slowly, "and know that something really bad was about to happen? It's so depressing that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you know staying there won't help."
"Why here, Touya? Why the hallway?"
"I was here when it happened." I leaned back slightly against the wall and glared at the room opposite. "I don't remember why. But it was early morning, and I was sitting out in the hallway, across from their bedroom. I could hear her. Every breath sounded like she was being strangled. I was so scared. I should have just run, gone back to bed, whatever, but I didn't. Sat right here in the hallway and listened to her trying to wheeze to Dad that she loved him. He said the same thing, in kind of a broken voice. And then her breathing got quiet."
I stopped talking for a second, conscious of that loud rain again.
"I was… relieved, I think. I thought she'd gotten over the bad spell and fallen asleep again, or at least was able to breathe easier. For a minute or two nothing happened. Then I looked up and I saw her standing in front of me. I was confused, because I knew she should be in bed. I hadn't even heard her door open. And even though I could see her, I knew there was something not quite right about her. Something about her made me feel queasy. She didn't say anything or smile, just looked at me a little sadly until I got up and went back to bed."
I wasn't looking at her face, but I could feel her sorrow and sympathy. I'd never told anyone about this. Who would I tell?
"And I just lay there, burrowed under the covers, looking at the ceiling and waiting. Finally, after a long time, Dad opened the door and walked in. He looked so pale – so, so shrunken. Like he'd aged several years since the night before. And he tried to tell me. Poor Dad." My voice cracked on that last word, but my eyes remained perfectly dry. "That must have been the hardest thing in the world to do, and then I jumped off the bed and called him a liar. I said Mom was just fine, I'd seen her walking up the hallway and everything. He looked so confused. He didn't even try to catch me when I ran out of my room and into theirs. I was sitting next to her on the bed for a full minute, pleading with her to wake up and prove to Dad that she wasn't dead before he came in and pulled me away. I didn't go quietly. I hit him. I hit and kicked and struggled for all I was worth, sure that I was the only who knew that Mom was just fine. He practically had to wrestle me to the ground and scream at me to calm down. I'd say it was… several hours before I finally believed. And that was still better than Sakura. She didn't even understand what 'dead' meant yet. She kept asking and asking if she could 'see Mommy today.' I was ordered to watch her of course. She didn't stop asking for Mommy for almost a month."
I couldn't bear to talk about it anymore and stood up abruptly, stiff and cold after sitting on the floor.
"I hate thinking about that time. I don't know why I'm dwelling on it now."
She looked thoughtful as she stepped closer and peered into the room I'd been glaring at. The lights were off, but daylight was growing imperceptibly and the white keys of the piano showed up even in the gloom.
"It's music," she said. "A song stuck in your head that you can't get rid of until you sing it out loud. You know that feeling?"
"Maybe."
"Do you play?"
"No," I said shortly, and spun on my heels to march away from the offending room. "Not anymore."
- - - - - - -
I think the rain let up sometime around midday, but it was still cloudy and cold by the time the final bell rang. I could smell more rain in the air as I stood in the courtyard and waited for Sakura.
"Where were you this morning?" There was a quizzical look to her green eyes as she skipped up to me. "Dad was upset."
"Angry upset or worried upset?"
"I dunno. Why did you leave so early?"
"I had to go sit in the hallway."
"What?"
"Never mind. Did you make it okay to school on your own?"
"I know the way," she huffed. "I can do it on my own."
"Good. Maybe you can do it more often from now on."
"But it's more fun with you!" She reached for my hand and I jerked it away just in time.
"Don't."
Her face fell and her shoulders slumped, and we continued the walk home in silence. Dad must have been really worried, because he arrived home that evening before I'd even finished fixing dinner.
"Touya-kun, where were you this morning? I was worried when I saw your empty bed."
"Had things to do."
"Like what? You could have told me last night if you needed to go to school early this morning."
"Just things." I stared at the bowl of noodles I was stirring, fighting - oddly enough - a sensation of panic. That bad thing that I'd been dreading all day was about to happen.
"Touya-kun, we've been over this before. I depend on you to help out with your sister, I really can't have you flitting off whenever you feel like it without an explanation."
I accidentally snapped a chopstick in half.
"Get out," I ordered, my voice shaking.
"Excuse me?"
"Stop it. Leave me alone! Stop doing this to me!"
Dad looked equally confused and angry. Sakura dropped her pencil where she'd been working on her math homework at the table and looked up at me. I paid no attention to either of them. I only stared at her, brushing her hand over his cheek where she'd just kissed him. He couldn't even feel it, damn him.
"Don't do that," I demanded. "What's the point? He can't feel it. He can't feel you. All you're doing is torturing me. So stop it."
She looked so hurt, and she placed her hand over her mouth. Those ethereal wings fluttered a little, and a feather escaped to float down to the floor.
"Touya-kun, look at me. What are you talking about?"
"Why?" I raged. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"I miss him so much…" she murmured, reaching out again to caress my father's face. He was just staring at me, and didn't twitch as she laid her hand on him.
"I don't care," I snapped. I knew it was cruel, but I couldn't help myself. I was so sick of it. "You're dead. I saw him scatter the ashes! You're dead, and gone, and supposed to be out of our lives. No wonder I'm the only one in this family that can't get over it. I have to keep looking at you, just because you can't get enough of your husband."
"Touya-kun, stop it," Dad begged in a low voice. "It's not funny."
"Do I look like I'm having a good time?" In frustration I slammed my fists down on the counter, and Sakura jumped. "Don't yell at me. Be mad at her. She's the one who keeps showing up!"
He sucked in his breath as I pointed to the space beside him.
"You're doing it again. Aren't you?"
She bowed her head. "Do you not wish me to see my family?"
"You're haunting me. I hate it. I can't take this anymore."
"I thought you'd stopped this. Why are you doing this to me?"
"I'm not doing it!" I shouted hysterically. "She is! And I want her to leave me alone! Do you hear that, Mom? Just go away and leave me alone like you're supposed to. I never want to see you again!"
I was beginning to come undone, I knew, I could see my hands were shaking slightly as I glared at her. She looked a little shocked, and hurt, but did not respond to my anger. Instead she sent one last longing glance toward Sakura at the table before dematerializing.
I knew I should have felt relief that she was gone again, but my heart was twisting after the way I saw her look at me. At once I felt terrible, but I was too upset and angry too care.
"Touya-kun, what -"I brushed past him on my way up the stairs.
"Touya-kun! Don't you run out on me after something like that! What do you think you're doing, talking about your mother in that way?"
"I wasn't talking about her, I was talking to her. You have a problem with that, take it up with her." I continued to pound up the steps.
"Get back here, Touya-kun! I think I deserve an explanation!"
"We don't all get what we want!" I shouted, right before slamming the bedroom door hard and locking it. Already my room was dark and gloomy with the early evening and cloudy cover. I was having trouble breathing right, and I sank to the floor. A moment later he was rapping insistently on the door behind me.
"Touya-kun, you come out here right now. I mean it."
"Leave me alone."
I rested my forehead on one knee and listened to him order me out for a few minutes before finally giving up and retreating. I could imagine what the scene would be like downstairs, and decided that I didn't need to eat that night. I didn't want to do anything except escape.
I threw myself on my bed and buried my face in the pillows. Outside, the rain began to beat against the window once more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It seemed as though sleep would never come, but eventually it must have. I stirred and woke at the sound of my alarm, then groaned.
School, today? How could I face any of them? How was I going to face Dad? I couldn't, I just couldn't go out there. But what was the alternative? I couldn't live in my room for the rest of my life. I was just going to have to get through it. I'd endure his usual lecture about setting a good example for Sakura, then make a break for it. I was certainly used to being in trouble; I could deal with it.
But it wasn't fair. It wasn't my fault.
Wearily I pulled on my clothes, made a half-hearted attempt at brushing my hair, then dragged myself downstairs. He was already there, not making breakfast or our lunches as he usually did but sitting quietly at the table with his hands clasped together. It looked almost as if he were praying when I came to a stop at the bottom step.
"I thought you were doing well," he said in a low voice. "I thought you were actually starting to heal, here in this new town. I really thought you were going to make it."
He didn't seem angry so much as sad. I remained silent.
"When you said those things all those years ago, I thought you just had an active imagination. When you continued to tease Sakura with them, I thought you were just making it up to annoy her. But I can't explain last night. That look in your eyes frightened me, Touya-kun. For whatever reason, you genuinely think that you're talking to her, and that's not healthy. I can't let you continue on like this."
"I know it's not healthy. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose!" He held up a hand to indicate silence.
"Shh, Touya-kun. Let me say this. I know how independent you try to be, and I'd like to respect that. But this is one thing that I'm going to have to make you do. I think you need to talk."
"Talk?" He swallowed as he looked at my puzzled expression.
"Yes. To someone who knows about these things."
"Oh." I got it. "Oh. You want me to go to therapy?"
"Please don't look at me that way, Touya-kun. It's not a punishment. I think it will help you. You obviously need it."
"I don't need help! I need privacy! How can I live my life with her constantly dropping in to look over my shoulder?"
He cringed a little, and I saw that flash of pain through his eyes.
"I so hoped that you wouldn't fight me on this one, Touya-kun. Don't you think it's a good idea? You could talk to someone outside the family, get your problems off your chest. It will be good for you."
"I don't need someone else to talk to," I flared. "I'm doing just fine!"
"No, you're not -" He broke off and gave me a curious look. "Someone else?"
I swallowed and looked him straight in the eye.
"I am not going to some shrink so they can sit there and analyze me. I'm not crazy, I'm haunted! Don't you understand that I don't want it?"
"Please don't talk like that, Touya-kun! You make it sound like you have no control. I know you do. I know you're creating it because you miss her but you can't keep doing it like that. It's too upsetting for your sister and me. Don't you care how your actions affect anyone else in this family?"
I dropped my eyes. Why did he always have to make me feel so guilty? None of this was even my fault! It wasn't my fault I could see her!
"I will not let you force me into therapy," I said in a cold and determined voice. "I'm not making it up. I wouldn't do that to you or me on purpose. Don't you know that?"
He gave a tiny sigh.
"I would like to believe that, Touya-kun, I really would. But you're too old to be playing make-believe. And you've never given much indication in the past that you cared about my feelings. Why should I think you'd start now?"
And that was what hurt most of all. That look of pained distrust in his eyes. He genuinely felt that I was out to hurt him, and who could blame him?
"I'm not going."
"You are."
"You can't make me."
"I am your father, Touya-kun." He stood up with his hands on the table's surface. "And you are just fourteen. You are not old enough to make this kind of decision on your own."
"No, just old enough to be Sakura's second parent! You expect me to be there for her every minute of every day, but won't even let me make my own decisions. How fair is that?"
He threw up his hands.
"I know I ask a lot of you when it comes to Sakura-san, but it's only because I need it so much. And you are one of my children, too. Your well-being is just as important. Outbursts like last night scare me. That's why I want you to go. I know plenty of psychology professors in the science department, I'm sure I can get a recommendation for someone really good. Would you at least give it a chance?"
Overhead, I could hear Sakura's footsteps as she neared the stairs. I couldn't stand this persecution anymore and walked abruptly toward the door.
"I'm not crazy. And I'm not going."
It was raining again, but I didn't stop to look for an umbrella. Instead I splashed out into the front yard, ignoring the cold drops splattering on my head and shoulders.
"Touya-kun, get back here!"
"She can walk to school by herself. I'm not gonna play mother figure for her anymore, not as long as you want to pack me off in a straightjacket. In fact, I don't think I need to be speaking with her at all."
"You can't mean that." I jammed my hands into my pockets and turned to look at him, standing on the porch with a dismayed expression. "You're going to punish your sister because I think you should go to the doctor? Don't do that, Touya-kun, don't put her in the middle!"
"Why not? That's all you ever do."
"Dad?" I heard her voice call out in confusion and he turned back toward the doorway. "I'll be right in, sweetie, just sit tight." He lowered his voice as he turned back to me. "Touya-kun, I won't let you threaten your way out of this one. You're going to therapy."
I felt a drop of water make its way under my collar and slide down my back.
"We'll see," I answered stonily, then slammed out of the front gate and started walking. I knew he wouldn't shout after me or chase me; he had Sakura to worry about. It was always the same.
- - - - - - - -
The rain wasn't coming down hard, but it was persistent. I stood, soaked, in front of Tomoeda Junior High and watched all the students run for the front doors. Inside it would be steamy and noisy with everyone crowding into the hallways, shaking their umbrellas and stripping off raincoats. They would be laughing and greeting one another, attempting to bring cheer to the dreary day. I couldn't make myself go in. Today was not a day that I could face them.
Instead I turned my back and started walking. I had no particular destination in mind, but quite naturally I ended up there, under the arch of the shrine. There would be no one coming to visit today. Kaho wouldn't have to worry about cleaning, not tonight.
"I don't know anything," I informed the cherry tree. "I don't know what I'm doing at all."
It said nothing, but waited expectantly. I suppose none of us really ever know what we're doing, but it's still scary when we come to that realization. When you wake up and suddenly know that life could go in any direction, and you don't have a clue how to handle it.
I dropped my bag in the mud and reached out with both hands, pressing my palms against the wet bark. Once again I could feel a shift within the tree. It wasn't a greeting, exactly, but it was a response of some kind. It knew I was here, and was reacting to my presence.
What are you? Why are you here?
No answer, yet I could feel the power stirring under my hands. Slowly, fearfully, I leaned forward until my forehead was resting against the rough texture.
My eyes snapped open at the sound of the bird singing outside. I was suddenly very wide awake, though why I didn't know. I could see by the pattern of light on my ceiling that it was early in the morning. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. There was something nagging at me. I had a feeling that something very bad was going to happen that day.
I pulled my covers up to my nose, but that didn't help. The bad thing was still coming, and the longer I waited, the more uneasy I got. Finally I rolled out of bed and crept softly across my room. Maybe something was wrong with Sakura. I was supposed to be taking care of her while Dad was busy with Mom; I should go check on her. I pushed open the door and started down the hallway, but I never made it to Sakura's room.
"Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better."
"Can't – can't swallow…" Mom sounded really bad this morning, I could hear her labored breathing out in the hallway. I stopped where I was and started listening, blood pounding loudly in my ears.
"Shh, yes you can. This will relax your muscles, make breathing easier."
"Won't help. Can't – fight it anymore."
"Please don't talk like that. I can't stand to see you in pain."
"Neither can I," she wheezed. "I just… want to rest. Can't do this… anymore."
"Take a nap, then. You'll feel better."
"No, darling. Not that kind of rest. It's coming. I can feel it."
There was a moment of silence, then I heard his voice again. It was full of anxiety.
"What's coming? What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about," she said gently. "I lost. It's here for me, and it's my time to go."
Go? Go where? Where was Mom going? I was perplexed and scared, and knew I should go back to bed. This was one of those grown-up conversations that I wasn't supposed to hear. But instead I backed up against the wall and slid down until I was on the floor.
"Stop talking like that! It's just a bad day, that's all. You'll be fine if you just take your medicine."
"No. No more medicine. I want to see you with clear eyes. You are my husband, and I love you so much…"
"I love you too, Nadeshiko. That's why I want you to take your medicine."
"Do you believe in magic?"
"What?" He sounded confused at the sudden change in topic. "Of course not, you know that. I'm a scientist. There's no such thing as magic."
"Isn't there?" she begged. "What about us? What about these past ten years we've had together? It was magic, the two of us together."
"What -"
"I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I would make every decision the same. Because I love you -" Her words were lost in a hacking cough, and I cringed as I heard her struggle to breathe. He was trying to shush her, tell her to not talk so much, but she ignored his pleas. "Falling out of that tree was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you. And I've been so lucky to have you in my life. More than lucky; it was destiny. Magic. Magic brought us together. Tell me you believe in it!"
Everything was quiet for a minute, except for her rasping breath. Then he spoke again.
"I believe in love, and I believe in you. Every moment with you was like magic for me."
"Good," she sighed. Her voice was much quieter now. "That's what I hoped. It was… magical for me too. Don't regret… any of it. Love you… husband…"
"Nadeshiko? Nadeshiko, open your eyes. Keep looking at me." His voice sounded a little frantic as he tried again. "Nadeshiko, please, I love you. Love you…"
I was shaking by now, pinned to the floor with fright. The conversation I'd just heard was scary as it was incomprehensible. I had a feeling that I was supposed to be doing something, but what I couldn't guess. Her breathing grew quieter and quieter until I could no longer hear it.
At last. She must have gone back to sleep again. I relaxed, then stiffened.
"Mom?" I whispered. She clasped her hands together and looked down on me, not responding to my voice. I was worried that she might be angry that I'd been eavesdropping, but she didn't seem to be annoyed. Instead she looked a little sad.
"What are you doing out here? You're not supposed to get out of bed. Dad said so." I cast a confused glance back at her door; it was shut. I hadn't even heard it open. She still wasn't speaking, and some of my uneasiness returned. There was something funny looking about her nightgown. It looked like it was rippling, though the air in the hall was absolutely still. Her hair was doing it too.
"Mom, are you okay?" Uncertainly I stood up to face her better, and she reached forward with one hand. I flinched when she touched my face.
"Your hands are cold, Mom. You should go back to bed." I took my own advice as I sidled away, going back the way I had come. Everything seemed to be so strange that morning, all I wanted was to crawl underneath my covers and block it out. I knew it wouldn't help, but I did it anyway, a last ditch defense against the forces threatening my security. And there I waited, trembling, for hours until Dad pushed open the door and sat on the edge of my bed.
"Touya-kun," he began slowly. "I – I don't know how to begin to say this. But Mom… she left us this morning."
I pushed myself away from the tree with an abrupt jerk, panting hard again. That was more than just remembering; it was as if I was there again, reliving that awful morning. I wiped the rain from my face and stumbled backward a step, putting some distance between us.
"Why does anything and everything persist in reminding me?" I railed at the tree. "I'm trying to forget about that time! Who wouldn't? You think I'm a bad person for wanting to block it out?"
It was just a tree of course. I wasn't screaming at it. I was screaming at myself. I hated myself for what I'd said to Mom the day before. How could anyone be so cruel?
I left the tree and started meandering through the shrine, swinging my bag from one hand. I know that I should consider myself lucky. I should be happy that I get to see her. It's what I've wanted more than anything for the past four and a half years. But this is different. I see those wings, the ethereal glow to her skin, and know that it's not the same.
It was so hard, the struggle to accept the reality of her death. Right from that very first time in the hallway, the ability to see her confused me. She was dead, but she was there. I was a child trapped in mourning, unable to let go of the grief. I kept seeing her for the 'last time'. Indeed, no wonder I couldn't move on and start to heal like the rest of my family.
Why does it have to be me? Why should I be the only one that can see her? Why not Dad, for crying out loud? He's the one that married her. What about Sakura? I know she was Mom's favorite.
But no. It's me, the sulky black sheep in the family. The one who's already more different than he would care to be. She's making it harder for me. And I'm angry at her.
I ended up somehow in that park that Sakura loves so much, standing before the railing and watching the rain dimple the surface of the creek.
"Please," I choked. "Let me go. Leave me in peace. I can't take it anymore. Just leave me alone!"
I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could, where it made a satisfying kerplop in the water. It felt good to just let go, and I picked up another rock, heaving this one even further. All my frustration was welling up to the surface. All the years of watching her hover around Dad and Sakura, kissing them and touching them. It wasn't fair that they didn't have to deal with it. Why did I have to endure everything?
I lost myself in a haze of anger, throwing every rock I could find out into the creek. When I'd exhausted myself and my ammunition supply, I braced my hands against the railing and leaned forward to take a breath.
"Why do you put yourself through this?" Her voice cut through the music in my mind, calm and steady as ever but with a twinge of concern as well. "Why do you insist on torment?"
I didn't turn around.
"Shouldn't you be in school right about now?"
"I could say the same for you, except my work for the day is done. School ended over an hour ago."
"What?" I looked at my watch in disbelief, but it was true. It had happened again. I had lost all track of time as I dwelled on the past.
"I will ask again. Why do you put yourself through this?"
"I'm not. I didn't ask for what happened last night, or what's been happening ever since she died. It's not my fault that I can see." I raked my hand through my wet hair, pushing it out of my eyes. "Some gift. It's not a blessing. It's a curse."
"Yet it is yours. Yours to live with. Yours to understand. Yours to cope with."
"My responsibility?" I asked sarcastically, and I felt her nod behind me. "I've heard that before."
"Because it's true. You are the strongest. You have the ability to bear up under this weight."
I didn't know whether that was something to be proud of or angry about.
"I'm so confused."
"That's understandable."
"I feel like I'm carrying a burden for my whole family on my shoulders."
"In a way, you are. Noble, isn't it?"
"More like lonely."
I didn't hear her approach, but she rested her hand on top of mine on the railing. She was wearing an oversized khaki colored raincoat; her hood pulled up to protect her head. I could see a few red strands fall forward as she bowed her head.
"And yet… even in a position such as yours, you have friends. You are not completely alone." She interlaced her fingers with mine and squeezed. My skittering emotions became calm, and the turbulence stilled in my heart. She had reached out and brought me back. This beautiful woman… she was there for me.
"Thank you," I whispered, "and I love you so much." I cupped her face to turn it toward me. And then I leaned in and kissed her with every ounce of passion that I could muster.
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Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
Music: November Rain – Guns n'Roses