Chapter 11

'rainbow in the dark'

Do your demons…  do they ever let you go?

When you try, do they hide deep inside,

Is it someone that you know?

You're just a picture; you're an image caught in time.

We're a lie, you and I, we're words without a rhyme.

No sign of the morning coming,

You've been left on your own, like a rainbow in the dark.

What would life be like if I wasn't here?  It sounds trite, I know, the plot line of a hokey old Christmas movie.  But I can't stop thinking about it.  My teenage mother wouldn't have had to drop out of school to have me.  I wouldn't have been a financial drain on my student teacher father.  And I wouldn't be a threat to him now, scaring him off to Southeast Asia.

She's talking to me now. I cock my head and frown quizzically, but I can't understand what she's saying.  Kei doesn't notice, naturally, but continues to prattle on as I stare.  This must be what it's like to not be in reality.  I'm not supposed to be here.  What's the point of it all?

"Well, bye now!"  She brushed her fingertip across my lips and flounced away.

"Whoa.  I don't think you've ever let her talk to you so long."  Aki leaned against the picnic table where she'd just been sitting and flashed a grin.  "What were you talking about?"

Confused, I licked my lips and tried to drag myself back to reality.

"I don't know."

"Uh-huh.  Well, I hate to break up the trance, but in case you haven't noticed, final exams are coming up.  There's a red alert on my grades in chemistry, and I need you in study hall, ASAP."

"You need me," I repeated vacantly.

"Urgently.  You're the only one I know that understands this junk."  I shook my head slightly.

"That's not why I'm here."

"Huh?"
"I'm barely here."  Gingerly I felt the cold wooden edge of the table, the peeling paint, the abrasive splinters pricking at my skin. "One careless night, one mistake, and here I am.  I wasn't supposed to be here.  So why am I?"

Aki looked a little nonplussed.  "Touya?  Are you okay?"

I forced myself to take a deep breath, the cold winter air of February biting into my lungs.

"Fine."

He was fishing through his bag now, and produced a pack and a lighter.  "Smoke?"

Through glazed eyes I saw my hand reach out and take it, then I put it to my lips and leaned in. 

"This'll warm you up," he promised, as he coaxed a flame out of his rusty lighter.  "Then we can get started on my chemistry."

I've never smoked before.  I know it's not healthy.  But what does it matter?

I inhaled, then blew a light cloud of smoke into the cold.

When you were never supposed to be here in the first place, what does it matter what you do to your body?

- - - - - - -

Later that night, the phone rang, and Sakura skipped to answer it.

"I'll get it!  I'll get it!"  I didn't move from the couch where I was reviewing my notes.  "Oh, hi Dad!  I'm fine.  Yes, Onii-chan's taking care of me.  Where are you again?"  She paused for a while, screwing up her nose in concentration as he explained.  "Louse?  Where's that?  Oh… wow.  That sounds cool!  When are you coming back?  You've never been gone this long before."

I cleared my throat a little, though quietly. 

"Okay… but don't forget.  You have to.  Okay, I love you too.  Wait – don't you wanna talk to Nii-chan?  Oh, that's okay.  Bye-bye."

She hung up and bounced over to the couch.  "That was Dad."

"No kidding."

"He says he had to fill in for someone at his school who got sick, and he's in a place called Louse."

"Laos.  I know."

"He's in the jungle," she related proudly.  "He's exploring an old ruin, just like in Indiana Jones!  Anyway, he says he's going to try to be here by your birthday next week.  He's really going to try hard."

I shrugged.  "Doesn't matter.  I don't have a birthday this year."

"Huh?"

"I've explained this to you before, Sakura.  I was born on February twenty-ninth, on a Leap Year.  I only have a birthday every four years."

It was plain that she didn't understand, and there was a touch of pity in her eyes.

"How can you not have a birthday every year?  I have a birthday every year."

"One of the miracles of the Caesarian calendar," I said shortly.  "It's almost like I was never meant to have a birth-day at all."

"But you had a birthday last year.  I remember: we went out to dinner and Dad gave you your watch."

I looked at my wrist, then returned my attention to my notes.

"It was fake, Sakura.  It was just a lie."

Now she looked properly confused, but sensed that it wasn't a time to press me.  Instead she returned to coloring at the table. 

"Only one more week of classes!" she announced after a minute of silence.  "Then I get to be in the third grade and join the cheerleading club!  And you'll get to go to high school.  Aren't you excited?"

"I guess."

I bit my lip as I stared at the papers in front of me.  It was going to be strange, not being in her class anymore.  Would anything change between us?  I would miss seeing her in the day, but I doubted that it would matter much.  With the coming spring weather she would be back in the shrine at nights.  I felt a tingle of anticipation and smiled. 

No, nothing would change from being in high school.  She was the only one that understood me, and nothing was going to happen to the two of us.

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Last day of February.  Final exams ended, and I made my way through the joyous throng of students in the hallway.  Everyone in my class was celebrating their move to Seijou, and I wasn't in the mood to listen to anyone's cheerful voice.  Instead I found my way to the deserted music room and ran through a few scales.

"Happy birthday."

"It's not my birthday."

"It's close enough.  He still hasn't arrived home, has he?"

I shook my head as the chords became fuller and more complicated.  I was restless, vaguely upset, and couldn't decide what song I was in the mood for.  I'd been telling myself ever since he left that I didn't care if he made it home in time or not.  So why was I feeling so irritable?

"Why do you come here?  What about the music draws you back?"

"Music is the one thing in the family that only I can do.  I know she was only trying to distract me from my elder sibling jealousy, but it's still something that she only taught me."  I paused, then pressed a few keys in a simple melody.  "She said I was smart, and that she believed in me.  It was special.  Just the two of us."

She perched on the bench next to me and crossed her legs.

"What are you so afraid of, Touya?"
"I… guess I'm afraid to find out that my mother never really loved me.  I always knew she liked Sakura better, but I still thought that she at least loved me.  I screamed at her, you know.  I told her back in November that I never wanted to see her again.  And she hasn't come back since.  What if she thinks I hate her?"

"I'm sure she doesn't think that."

"Then why hasn't she come back?  Maybe she really doesn't care anything about me.  I was just the accident; the boy she never wanted."

"I think you presume a little much on your mother's behalf," she said pointedly, and I looked down.  "You have no cause for worry with your mother.  She knows what's in your heart.  One day she'll be back."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely.  You'll look up from the paper one morning, and there'll she be.  And she'll speak to you, and you'll smile and nod, and it will be fine."

Part of me relaxed at that.  She sounded so sure of herself.  But that didn't change everything that had happened.

"I don't think I can forgive him, though.  He's done nothing but lie."

"He's kept things from you, yes.  But can you really blame him?  You were only a child."

"No I wasn't."

"Well, he saw you as one.  And he tried to explain himself.  You refused to listen."

"Because I know it won't be the truth!  Why should I believe anything he says?"

"Touya."  Her voice was a warning one.  "Don't be guilty of the same crime.  I know your true feelings."

I flushed and cracked my knuckles.  She was right.  It wasn't just that I didn't trust him.

"And I'm scared of what he might tell me.  I hate him for lying to me, but I'm afraid to learn what actually happened.  I know I wasn't wanted, and I know he doesn't want me now.  I'm something that shouldn't exist."  I remembered my mother's occasional comment that she was fond of rainbows.  "I'm a rainbow – in the dark."

She sighed.

Why are you so determined to make yourself suffer?

I could not reply to that, and she stood.

He's here.  Go home.  And give him a chance, Touya.  You might be surprised at what you hear.

- - - - - -

Dead and brown leaves skittered across the pavement beneath our feet, caught in the grip of a cold breeze.  Overhead, gray clouds pressed low.  It was almost March, but spring still seemed eternities away.

I watched her dance and skip ahead of me as we walked home, thrilled that school was over.  Junior high and winter trimester were behind me at last, but I felt no exultation.  I had one more final test to get through.

It's been a hard winter.  I've been through a lot, discovered a lot of stuff that I would have rather not known.  Maybe I have suffered enough.  Maybe it's time to let go of this anger.

I could see the house now, ahead of us, and Sakura ran ahead.  When she entered, she would find him there, and shriek "Daddy!" joyfully before throwing herself into his arms.  And then I would enter, and we would exchange troubled looks, and Sakura would become quiet as she remembered.  And then he would give her a little present from Laos and tell her to run upstairs and change.  And then he might try to talk to me again.  I didn't want to hear it.

"Daddy!"

"Oof!  Hey, sweetie, I missed you."

"I missed you too!  Did you have fun on your trip?"

"I did.  And I learned a lot, too.  Look, I brought you something."  I leaned against the wall, still unnoticed, as he withdrew a beaded necklace and draped it over her head.

"Ooh, pretty!  I love it!"

"It looks beautiful on you."  Then he straightened and saw me, and the smile faded.

"Looks like I made it back just in time.  Happy birthday, Touya-kun."

"It's not my birthday."

"Sakura-san, why don't you go on upstairs for a while?  Touya and I need to talk."

He looked at me, as though rather expecting that I would run away again, but I didn't move.  She backed away from him and scurried upstairs.  It was just the two of us.

"I didn't ask to be sent out of the country," he ventured.  "It really was an emergency.  But I'll be honest.  I didn't put up a very big fight."

"Hmpf."

"I wasn't running away, Touya-kun.  I – I felt like this was a good time to get away and think things through.  There's a lot of things about your mother, and me, and even you that I never told you.  I didn't think it was suitable for someone your age."  He gave a little sigh and glanced up the stairs where Sakura had gone.  "But you're right.  You do take on a lot of responsibilities here in the house.  I expect you to act like an adult, so I suppose it's time to treat you like one.  I'm ready to explain myself, if you'll listen."

My heart thudded a little, but I just dropped my bag on the floor and moved across to the couch and slumped onto it.

"Talk."

I heard him exhale in relief, and he seated himself on the other end of our ninety-degree couch.  I could see him in my perpendicular vision, but didn't look up from my slippers on the edge of the coffee table. 

"I met your mother when she fell out of that tree and onto me.  That was true.  I don't think I ever mentioned that her cousin was there that day too.  She never liked me from the first day that she met me, I know it.  I was never really sure why.  She was very protective of Nadeshiko, you know, always looking out for her.  After having met her family, I could see why."

My grandparents.  What were they like?

"Your mother's parents were extremely wealthy, but even I could tell right away that they weren't happy together.  I never heard them argue, but I never heard them speak to one another either.  It was a miserable environment to grow up in, and I'll never know why she had such an abundance of good cheer.  But she did, and even though her parents despised one another and paid no attention to her, Sonomi and her grandfather took pains to watch out for her.  Her grandfather was a good man.  He opened his home to her and took her in for long periods of time, often the entire summer, so she could have some time away from them."

My great-grandfather.  Was he still alive?  What was he like?

"He did his best, but I suppose there's never really a substitute for a father.  It was only too likely that she would be attracted to an older man.  And then…"  He waved his hand helplessly.  "We met.  And it was like nothing else mattered.  Not our ages, not our student-teacher relationship, not anything.  I knew she was the one right from the very first moment.  When she announced our engagement before her junior year, everyone was furious.  Her parents wanted her with someone a little, um, wealthier, and her grandfather and Sonomi just didn't want her with anyone at all.  They thought it was a horrible mistake, and threatened that they would never speak to her again if she went through with it.  I don't know if she ever believed them or not, but she did marry me."

I could see that he was twisting his wedding ring as he spoke, gazing absentmindedly at its gold shine.

"And true to his word, her grandfather cut off all communication.  So did her parents.  She moved into my tiny apartment and continued to go to school as if there were nothing at all abnormal about coming to school holding hands with her own teacher.  I thought she would be sad about her family, but those days seemed to be her happiest.  Looking back, I think she was thrilled that she'd finally escaped her parents.  Sonomi was still speaking to her, as they were in class together, but I think she just got bitter when she realized that Nadeshiko was having a wonderful time instead of failing.  She didn't like being proved wrong, I think.  She was the first to say 'I told you so' when -"

He stopped, but it was too late.  I finished for him.

"When she got pregnant with me."

"Yes," he admitted reluctantly.  "Hard as it is for me to say now, I'm not going to hide it from you.  You were an accident.  I never intended to have a child before I'd even started my final stretch of studies.  I was… at a loss when she told me.  She'd only just turned seventeen a few months before, and had a year and half of school to go.  I – I hinted that she might give it up."

"Give me up."

"Yes.  Give you up.  I'm so glad that she wouldn't hear a word of it.  She didn't care about school or anything else.  'This child is your baby,' she would say with determination.  'Therefore I love it already.  I will have it.'  And so she dropped out of school that year, much to the scandalized delight of everyone in town.  She modeled for a maternity clothing store a little, but it was rough going.  I'd been lucky that I was even allowed to keep my job as the student teacher.  We could barely afford her doctor appointments.  And even though I loved your mother very much and wanted to support her, there were times in the middle of the night that I wished you were never conceived."

I closed my eyes briefly, but did not ask him to stop.  After a second, he picked up his story again.

"You were born late at night, right before midnight on a Leap Year Day.  She said that made you extra special, unique.  All she'd been able to talk about for months was how much fun she was going to have with her little baby girl.  But you'd never guess she was disappointed, the way she was smiling and crying after the nurse put you in her arms.  She said you were her baby, and that was enough for her.  And the first time I held you in my arms, and you tugged on my finger, I knew what she was talking about.  We both loved you very much.

"Not long after that, I finished my stint in Tomoeda, and we moved to Tokyo so I could start on my Ph.D.  I won't pretend it wasn't hard.  We were in a one-room apartment with inches to spare, and I was practically living at the library to get my thesis done.  I would have understood if she'd complained, after being raised in such luxury, but she never did.  She worked, and she took care of you.  Wouldn't hear of dropping you off in a nursery, by the way.  She always took you to every photo shoot.  You watched her model from your stroller.  That was all you had, a stroller and a crib.  There were no toys; we really couldn't afford them.  Generally you quite happy to play with socks from the dryer."

I thought I heard a slight chuckle. 

"Once you'd been born, I never regretted having you, but I will tell you the truth.  Right from the start, you scared me.  A little.  I'd never had much experience with children.  And you were so quiet.  Comparing you to the other babies I saw in the parks, I thought you must be the most serious baby in Japan.  You almost never cried, you only whimpered a little if you were hungry.  You never giggled, or cooed, even though your mother would tickle the bottoms of your feet and try to make you smile.  You just stared at the both of us like a little owl.  It seemed to me that you were born too mature for your own age.  You were starting to walk by one, talking coherently by two.  It was exciting, but a little unnerving to see you grow up so quickly.  I used to joke that we'd gotten a little prodigy, but I think both of us wished you would smile and laugh like the other children.  Do you remember the tent?"

Tent?  Something nagged at my memory, and I closed my eyes.  I had the image of zipping up my door and burrowing into my blankets.

"I think so…"

"You outgrew the crib far more quickly than we thought you would, but there was no question of being able to afford a two-bedroom house.  So we bought you a little tent to put in the corner of the living room.  It was your private space.  After you learned to read, you took a lamp in there and sat reading for hours on end.  I tried to buy you a couple toys, but you just didn't seem interested.  You were always so…"  He shrugged helplessly.  "Different.  You talked to people that weren't there, and pointed it out when there were invisible strangers sitting on our couch.  It scared us both, but I was sure it was just some kind of phase.  The product of an active mind and imagination.  And then, right before you turned five, I finished my thesis and received my Ph.D.  We bought a townhouse that spring, the three-bedroom house that you remember.  That was when we started trying again to have a baby.  She wanted a little girl so badly.  Always talking about how she would name her Sakura, and how she would be perfect for you.  'You watch,' she said.  'She'll be all smiles and giggles, and they'll balance each other perfectly.  We'll have the best children in the world.'  We thought it would be easy, considering how quickly she conceived with you in spite of the birth control, but to our surprise it took two years.  Of course I think you can remember when Sakura was born."

I nodded silently.

"It was such a relief to open that pink blanket and see a chubby, smiling face.  From the beginning, she was as opposite from you as a baby could possibly be.  She laughed and giggled and cooed, especially whenever you were near.  There were times when you were the only one that could make her smile."

I did remember that, a little.

"There's no other way to say it, but Sakura was born at the time that we'd meant to have a child.  We had a bedroom for her, and were able to buy her all kinds of baby clothes and toys, and things that you could never have. I wondered if you knew that, and if you were resentful.  You did seem jealous of the attention she got, but I knew there was an inevitable amount of sibling rivalry.  But then you threw yourself into learning to play the organ with your mother.  She was thrilled that she'd finally had her baby girl, and delighted with the way you responded to her music lessons.  She told me she'd never been so happy in her life.  It still bothered her a little, about her family.  She'd tried to contact Sonomi several times to tell her about the new baby, but Sonomi never responded.  She never got a chance to tell her about Sakura before she started to get sick."

He paused to collect himself.  I knew we were both dreading the next part.

"I know you're angry with me because we lied to you about Mom's health.  I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but you're not the only one."

I looked up sharply at that, and he nodded.

"She lied to me too, at first.  She didn't want anything to disrupt our happiness, and tried to hide it.  It was only after I started going through our bathroom trash and saw all the bloody tissues that I finally dragged her to the doctor.  He didn't hold back.  He told us right away how serious things were, but she wouldn't believe him.  I didn't want to believe him either, but I made her stay in bed more, started doing things for her.  I was angry that she'd kept it from me and let it get to this stage, and determined to make up for it by taking extra good care of her.  But there was you, sitting there and staring at us.  Always watching, so perceptive and clever.  I was afraid you'd guess, and I didn't want you to panic.  No nine year-old boy needs to be told that his mother might die.  Picture how young you were, Touya-kun.  How could I tell you the truth?  How could I subject you to that?  Especially when I was so desperate for you to look after Sakura.  There was no one else.  We were all lying to ourselves, one way or another.  None of us were expecting that day she died.  I never really thought that it would happen.  I know you didn't either."

"Mm."

"I didn't want to call Sonomi, but I had an obligation.  Her family had every right to know.  She didn't talk to me on the phone, but I left messages explaining what happened, and then the date of the service.  I certainly wasn't expecting what happened that day at the shrine.  She was convinced that I let Nadeshiko work herself to death and had neglected her.  It was impossible to argue with her right there, but her words did cut deep.  It hurt to think that if I'd been more observant, I might have noticed earlier and been able to save her.  I've been carrying that guilt around ever since, and I know I'll never leave it."

The matter-of-fact way he said it made me wince.  I knew Mom's death must have been terrible for him, but I'd never bothered to wonder if he blamed himself. 

"The pain was so bad, I just wanted to closet myself away from the world and grieve.  But I still had two children to worry about.  You'd never been openly demonstrative with Mom, but it became clear that you loved her a lot.  You became surly, aggressive, and petulant.  Even though you'd taken excellent care of Sakura for a year, you started teasing your little sister incessantly with those 'things' that you saw.  I started getting notes from your teachers about your fighting in the schools.  I didn't know what to do with you – and there was still a toddler to worry about who didn't even understand Mom was gone.  I don't know if you know this, but children who lose their mothers before the age of four can be seriously affected emotionally.  I read about it, and was worried to death that Sakura might suffer permanent damage.  That's why I spent so much time with her initially.  I just wanted to make sure she would be all right.  And I neglected you.  I couldn't help it; you were so frightening.  So full of anger, so ready to lash out.  I didn't know how to approach you.  It was just easier to spend time with Sakura.  And when Towa contacted me, I even convinced myself that moving back here might help.  This town holds a lot of cherished memories for me.  Certainly I didn't think you'd meet Sonomi.  I don't know all of what she said to you, but try to understand that she grieves too.  She just doesn't know how to express it.  What I told you at first really was the truth.  She was confused, and she really didn't know whom it was she was attacking.  I wouldn't worry about her, though – I'm sure our paths won't cross again.   

"Maybe I was foolish, thinking that Tomoeda might work for you.  But I was desperate and ready to try anything that would reach you.  Yes, Touya, I do wish you could be happy like your sister.  That's not the same as wishing you were like her.  But you seem to carry so much misery and frustration inside of you.  I don't know how to help, and I don't even know if I can.  But for your sake, and mine and Sakura's too, I hope that you're able to rid yourself of it one day.  It does no good to Mom or yourself.  And while you're in this state, you might make some unhealthy decisions."

I bristled and gave him a warning look, but he wasn't accusing.

"I'm not going to say anything.  I'll understand after all this if you never want to listen to me again.  But trust me when I say that I want nothing but the best for you.  I ask you to act like an adult for Sakura's sake, because she looks up to you so much.  So I will trust you to make your own choices.  Just think hard before you do anything rash.  You're smart, Touya, I know it.  Think very, very hard."

- - - - - - - -

I was thinking, as I sprawled across my bed and stared up at the ceiling.  Thinking hard.

Fifteen years, since I arrived so unexpectedly in my parents' lives.  I had not been the easiest child to raise.  I've always been different.  I move to a different beat from the rest of the world, and there's nothing I can do about that.  But I could forgive my father for keeping things from me.  He did have his reasons.

And I could stop obsessing about whether they'd planned for me or not.  It didn't matter anymore.  I knew my father only wanted me to be happy, and there didn't seem much point in torturing myself just to spite him.  He'd suffered from her death too, after all. 

In that instant, I felt a kind of weight lift off my chest.  I'd made peace with both of my parents.  I had truly graduated from junior high.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

But there wasn't a chance I was going to heed his warnings about Kaho.  On the first evening of March and spring vacation, I pressed her against the bark of the massive cherry tree and kissed her intensely.  It was still quite cold at dusk, but neither of us felt it as we sank to the grass and I covered her body with mine. 

Congratulations, she murmured while sucking gently on my tongue. 

"Mm," I replied, intent on moving my kisses down her neck and under her blouse.  After I'd finished pulling it up, she placed her hands over mine and guided them still further down.  I looked up in surprise; she'd never allowed me to move past her waistline.    But she just smiled as she directed my fingers to the zipper.

Happy birthday.

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Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Rainbow in the Dark - Dio