Chapter 13
'treasure'
Because I won't break, and I won't shake.
With lifted hands to this man, I'll stand in faithI'll make it through, my trust in you.
Close my eyes, make a wish, kiss the sky."It won't be long now!" Sakura announced joyfully, skipping up the sidewalk before me as we walked to school. "It's almost July! Soon summer vacation will be here again!"
Remembering how I'd spent the nights last summer, I couldn't resist a small smile.
"Now that you're in third grade, you'll probably have summer homework," I cautioned. Her shoulders slumped a little, then her smile returned.
"What about you, Onii-chan? What are you going to do over the summer?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'll get a job, now that I'm fifteen." A day job, maybe, to start saving up for that mountain bike I'd been eyeing.
"Ooh, a job! Where? Where?"
I shrugged. "Don't know. Guess I'll figure that out later."
We reached her courtyard, and I rapped her lightly on her head. "Now scram, short stuff."
"Don't call me that!" She shot me an indignant glare and scurried away.
"Make me, you little monster," I called out to her back, then went on my way before she could yell anything back. Maybe with a bike, I could go to school on my own in the mornings. She'd never be able to keep up, right?
It was something to look forward to, and I entered the school feeling upbeat. Dad had been gone on another excavation for the past week, but I was coping with her constant presence fairly well. Visiting Kaho in the shrine every night, after she was sent to bed, was helping. Quite a bit.
I had a relaxed smile on my face as I dropped into my chair in geometry.
"Kinomoto, there you are. Quick, what's -"
"Angle, side, angle," I answered preemptively. "Calculate the degree of each angle and you'll know the third by deduction. Once you know that, you can figure out the length of the last leg of the triangle."
Aki and the team goalie exchanged stunned looks.
"How did you know -"
"Just a feeling."
"Check it out," Aki whispered to the other. "He's smiling! He really is going to crack."
"He's been doing it a lot more lately," Tsujitane replied. "Seems to me like someone has a girlfriend."
"Him? Not a chance. The girls in this school are very picky about a guy actually talking to them before they'll start dating."
"I still say it's the only explanation."
"Care to put some money on that?"
I rested my chin in my hands and stared at the blackboard, pretending I couldn't hear their conversation about me. It didn't concern me what anyone else thought anymore. All that mattered was her, and the coming freedom of summer vacation. This time it was going to be even better, I was sure of it. Nothing could bring me down.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
No soccer practice that day. It was a Saturday, the day the varsity team played. We were coming close to the end of the season; only two more games to go. I was full of anticipation as I passed the soccer field on my way to the elementary school, but felt a moment's annoyance that Sakura was nowhere to be seen in the courtyard.
"Sakura?" The game would be starting before long and I didn't want to miss the kickoff. She knew she was supposed to wait by the statue for me. Where had the little monster got to? "Sakura?" I repeated, a little louder and more impatiently.
Most of the milling kids in sailor suit uniforms didn't look up, but a girl standing with her friends a little ways away turned to look at me. It was the one with really long dark hair, what was her name again? She recognized me and waved.
"Konichiwa. Are you looking for Sakura-chan?"
"Yeah. Where is she, is she still in the classroom?" I glanced at my watch and tried not to grind my teeth in annoyance. This is why I'm sick to death of being the baby-sitter. Why should I have to track my little sister down when all I want to do is go watch the game? Why couldn't she just walk home by herself?
Sakura's friend looked confused.
"Sakura-chan left already. She went with your friend."
"What?"
"You know," she said patiently, "your friend. He came by and told Sakura-chan that you asked him to come and pick her up. I was with her by the fountain. He said you were busy. So why are you here?"
My heart thumped louder in my chest with every word she uttered, drowning out the crowds of noisy children around me. She watched me with innocent eyes, waiting for me to answer her question. She couldn't know, of course, what I already knew. I told myself it could be anyone, but my body knew.
"Where -" I started, then I stopped to swallow. "Where did he say they were going?"
She shrugged.
"Well, she asked if they were going to meet you at the soccer game, I think. He said yes. But didn't you send him?"
"How long?" I asked shakily, and when she blinked in a puzzled manner I couldn't bring myself to be patient. "How long ago?" I repeated, sharply, and she jumped a little.
"Uh- maybe ten minutes? But why -" I backed away and sprinted for the elementary school gates, not bothering to listen to the rest. My heart was hammering fast and hard now in my chest, goading me into panic, urging me to run faster.
He couldn't have, my mind screamed. But he did.
He wouldn't really hurt her, would he? She's just a little girl.
Oh yes he would.
Find her.
Automatically I had been running toward the soccer field but I stopped short midway past the science building, panting hard. Of course he wouldn't take her there, way too many people. He'd go somewhere out of the way.
Nausea bubbled up inside of me and I forced it back frantically. Now wasn't the time for that. I had to find her. But how?
Confusion and fear, not my own, streaked through my mind just then, followed by a burst of pain. I spun around, but it had gone by too fast and I couldn't pinpoint it. Slow down, Kinomoto, take a second to concentrate. You can do it if you try.
I'd never actively tried to use this power before, but I closed my eyes and forced a deep breath. Right away I could feel her desperation, and I knew exactly where it was coming from. I was running before I'd even opened my eyes again, straight for the little nook between the science building and the gym. And all I could think was she'd better not have a scratch on her.
"Ouch!" I heard her plaintive cry just before I rounded the corner, sounding pitiful and weak, followed by a cruel snicker. "Stop it! Lemme alone!"
Ryu was still laughing when I finally found them, wiggling Sakura's backpack above her head while she vainly tried to jump up and reach it. I stopped and braced one hand against the brick wall, breathing hard, for just one second so grateful that he hadn't touched her. Then I saw her skinned knee and the smudge of blood on her leg.
"Hey Kinomoto, there you are," Ryu greeted me, malicious smile plastered all over his ugly face. "Was hoping you'd show."
"Onii-chan!" Sakura wailed when she looked up and saw me. "He took my bag and he won't give it back, and I fell and it hurts! Make him give it back!"
"Make me give it back, Onii-chan," he echoed mockingly. "Sister, right? She's always hanging around during soccer practice, so that's what I figured. She's cute."
His smug eyes locked with mine, waiting for me to make the next move. My mouth was dry and I had to swallow again, heart still thudding rapidly in my ears. I was afraid and he knew it, the bastard, he knew he could hurt me by hurting her. It would be so easy.
"Sakura," I said as evenly as I could, "get away from him, now. Come here." I held out my hand and took a measured step forward. Obediently she moved to skip away, but she didn't move quickly enough. In one easy motion Ryu dropped her bag and caught her around the waist, hoisting her up against his chest, and she shrieked.
"Hey, stop it! Put me down!" She wriggled ineffectually against his thick arms, helpless, and my breath hitched in my throat. For a second I couldn't even move.
"How about that, Kinomoto?" Ryu gloated. "You take my girl, I take yours." He squeezed her unnecessarily hard and she whimpered. Somewhere deep in my throat, I think I whimpered too. "This is more like it," he continued, "I knew there was a way to crack that ice-cold attitude of yours. You should really see yourself right now. It's too funny."
"Put her down," I managed at last, and he sneered.
"Say please."
"You want me to fight you, then I will." My bag slid off my shoulder and hit the hot cement with a thump. It was impossible to attack as they were, she could get hurt. "Just… put her down."
"Tell your brother to say please," Ryu instructed Sakura, and pinched her roughly on the cheek. She yelped in pain, and then, of all things, gave him a vicious kick. I could have warned him, if he'd asked, that her kick was a lot stronger than she looked. But he hadn't asked, and she managed to land her foot in such a tender area that he dropped her in surprise with a groan of pain.
"Fuck!" he gasped. "You little br -"
He never got a chance to finish. I was hardly able to think at this point, I couldn't see or hear anything beyond him. My whole world was clouded over with a scarlet haze of hatred, and when he dropped Sakura safely out of the way – I snapped. All of my careful resistance to violence and my smooth karate moves flew right out of my head as I leapt for him.
Caught off guard, he didn't have a chance to block before my fist caught him across the side of his face and sent him stumbling backward. He took the punch better than I would have predicted, lowering his chin and delivering a sharp uppercut to my ribs. I grunted in pain and he followed with another strike to face. I just managed to get my nose out of range, but there was a blinding pain on the right side of my face and I knew his knuckles had cut into my skin. Gritting my teeth against the discomfort, I gripped his shirt and kneed him twice in the stomach, then twisted and threw him against the brick wall of the building.
"I'll break you in half," I snarled, before slamming his head back against the bricks again. Before I could pull back and deliver a really deadly punch, he kicked me hard in the shin and struck me across the temple with a backfist. I was almost knocked to the ground, but I bent my knees and jerked backwards, my elbow slamming into his ribs and drawing a grunt from his lips. As he doubled over in pain, I gripped his collar and pulled his face into my elbow. I was rewarded a second later by a painful-sounding crunch, and his first yell of agony. I'd broken his nose, and celebrated by striking him twice more across the jaw.
"How's that?" I gritted. "You wanted this fight. How do you like it now? Huh?" He was spitting up blood now and apparently unable to answer me with words. He did try to raise his hands in the universally accepted sign of surrender, but I paid no attention and clouted him once more.
"Bastard," I gasped, and braced my foot behind his to trip him and push him to the cement. "And now you get what you deserve."
I dropped to one knee on his chest and raised my fist. And that was the first time I remembered Sakura was still there. She hadn't run away after being dropped, but was sitting quietly a few paces away from Ryu's head, hugging her knees to her chest and shaking violently. Her face was absolutely white as she watched me.
I hesitated, Ryu still half-blinded from the blow to his nose and on his way to a complete blackout. She was more frightened by the fight than any minor scrapes she'd actually suffered. But he could have hurt her. He could have hurt her so badly…
I clamped my hand over his bleeding mouth and dropped my head, my lips just over his ear.
"If you ever touch my sister again I'll kill you."
I pushed away from him and crawled to Sakura, but she backed away from me.
"No, Sakura, don't. Shh, it's just me, Onii-chan. I'm not going to hurt you."
She couldn't scoot away fast enough and I grabbed her wrist.
"It's okay, Sakura. I'm not going to hit any more, I promise." She said nothing, but shrank from my touch as I raised my other hand and brushed her bangs out of her eyes. I got some blood on her hair and had to wipe my palms on the sidewalk, leaving a bright red streak. "Did he hurt you anywhere? Are you all right?" Slowly she nodded. "Gomen, Sakura. I didn't mean to scare you. You're safe now. I won't let him bother you anymore."
She still hadn't spoken, and I watched a pair of tears well up and spill down her cheeks.
"Don't cry. We're going home. Let's go." I picked her up and settled her on my back, then grabbed the straps of both our bags. I couldn't resist giving a little kick to Ryu's head as I walked past, and he muttered something about falling rocks. He could have a concussion, and it was probably dangerous to leave him lying here like this.
Like I cared. Clutching my sister a little more tightly, I left the science building and the high school behind.
- - - - - -
The adrenaline of the fight was wearing off by the time I managed to get home, and with some relief I dumped our backpacks on the porch and unlocked the front door. She still hadn't said a word by the time I set her down gently on the couch.
"How's the knee? Does it hurt?"
She shook her head as I patted at her blood with a rag. It was only a minor scrape, but I had to force down another spurt of rage as I watched it seep into the cloth. She was hurt, because of what he had done. He had hurt her. Looking up at her face, I could see the faint beginnings of a blue bruise where he had pinched her on the cheek. My stomach turned with nausea and I lifted my hand to inspect it. She flinched.
"Sakura, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm your brother, remember? Hold still and let me look." This time she obeyed me and I brushed my fingertips over her skin. It was bad but not terrible, and would fade in a couple days. The memory of him pinching her like that made my hands start to shake again, and I was having trouble breathing.
He hadn't cared at all. No. Nothing mattered in his bid to come to blows with me, and his lust for violence had finally led him to her. It didn't matter that she was only eight years old, completely incapable of hurt. And he'd marked her, left evidence of his touch right there on her face. She was polluted.
"Why don't you go take a nice warm bath, okay? You'll feel better. And I'll make you something to eat."
She nodded and slid off the couch to go shuffle upstairs. After sitting still for thirty seconds and watching my hands shake, I couldn't stand it anymore and began to pace.
Jeez… oh – oh god. She's freaked out. She's scared. Scarred mentally as well as physically. I d-don't know what to do. I can fight, I can hit back against the one who was threatening her, but what do I do when she's like this?
I felt constricted and took off my tie, then noticed all the blood spattered across my shirt. Mostly his, but a little of mine as well. I had to – to wash it. No, no… there was no way all these stains were going to come out. The shirt was history. I tore it off and stuffed it into the trash can.
No, she'll see it in there. It'll just frighten her again. Better take it to the bin outside. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll take it outside.
I was starting to break down, my thoughts were becoming more irrational by the moment, but I didn't care. I was trying to think of everything, frantically pushing away the images my mind was weaving. Couldn't think of that – no, think of anything but that. I slammed out of the front door and made my way to the carport, where the trash bin sat. The neighbor's Persian cat meowed at me from on top of the carport roof, but it was a thin sound in my ears. That pounding was starting up again, and my vision was becoming blurry.
I'm tired. That was a tough fight, and then I had to carry her all the way home. I'll want to go to bed early tonight. No, what am I thinking? I can't go to sleep. I have to stay up, watch her. I won't be able to sleep anyway, I know it.
Through a fog I saw my hand push up the lid and wad up my bloodied school shirt before throwing it in. There was blood on my hands too, I saw, drying and rust-colored blood on my knuckles from where I'd struck him in the mouth. I raised my fingertips and felt gently under my right eye, where I knew there was an open cut. It wasn't gushing blood, but I could feel an oozing wetness and knew it must look bad. The sight of it was probably scaring the hell out of her. And a bruise was bound to develop on my temple, not to mention my ribs and shin. It had been my first fight in a long time… I'd grown rusty. Sloppy.
I should have seen this coming. I knew how frustrated he was, how much he wanted to draw me into a fight. All those times that Sakura was sitting on the bleachers during our practices – he had plenty of opportunities to check her out. How could I have been so stupid? How long was he watching her, how easy was it for him to pick her up, take her away to some secluded spot? Did he push her down, hit her?
No, Touya. Don't think about it. Stop thinking about it.
I couldn't help it. He hadn't cared at all. He just picked her up and used her as a pawn to get to me. And he hurt her. Left his mark on her, bruised her. For a short while, he had made her his own.
Stop thinking about it!
I fell to my knees on the driveway, desperately trying to force back the nausea. He touched her. Put his arms around her, groped her, pinched her cheek. What else would he have done? How far was he willing to go? Would he – would he have…
I couldn't stand it anymore and threw up on the driveway. The panic and disgust and revulsion had been too much to cope with. Once I'd relieved myself of lunch, I felt marginally better and sat back to take a deep breath.
Sakura! She's still in there taking a bath. How could I have left her alone for so long?
Anxiously I hurried back into the house and up the stairs. I could hear her splashing around, even if she wasn't singing like she normally did. I relaxed, and returned to the kitchen to wash my face. Soap on the cut stung, but it was better than getting an infection. Somehow I doubted Ryu had washed his hands before the fight.
Deep breath, Touya, deep breath. You can't be falling apart when she comes downstairs again, right? Concentrate on making dinner. God knows you've done it enough; this should be one thing that you can handle.
With trembling hands, I began to assemble food on the countertop. I had to chop more slowly and carefully than I have in the past, afraid that I might slice one of my fingers open. I didn't notice how long I was taking about it, though, until I looked at the clock and realized almost forty-five minutes had gone by. Sakura had not returned, and I left the kitchen to go upstairs. The bathroom was empty now, and I pushed open her door with a hesitant rap on the wood.
"Sakura? Are you hungry? I'm making dinner."
She was dressed in her favorite comfortable clothes, that little white top and the red shorts, but made no move to leave the bed. Instead she hugged one of her stuffed animals closer to her chest and shrank back against the wall.
"Sakura, look at me." I knelt on the floor before her and she obeyed, though fearfully. "Are you scared of me? Don't be afraid, just tell me if you are."
After a long pause, she gave a nod.
"Why?"
And for the first time, she spoke. "You hit your friend."
"My – no, Sakura. He wasn't my friend."
"He told me he was."
"He was lying to you."
"But you knew his name. You knew each other."
Of course, in her world, everyone that she knew she considered a friend. People like Ryu Migake didn't exist for her.
"Yes, Sakura, I knew him, but we were not friends. He didn't like me at all. He wanted to hurt me. He knew he could get me to fight him by picking on you. I'm sorry that I hit him in front of you. I didn't mean to scare you."
Delicately I took her hands in mine and rubbed them.
"Just because I hit him doesn't mean I'm going to hit anyone else. Especially you. I would never do that. Okay? The only ones that I'll ever hurt are the ones that are bullying you."
It looked like she wanted to believe me. I could see the longing in her eyes for things to go back the way they always were between us. She needed something familiar to make her feel comfortable again.
"After all, I can't let anyone else pick on my squirt, right? That's my job."
"I'm not a squirt," she murmured out of habit, and I grinned.
"Sure you are. You're a tiny -" I moved my hands to her ribs and started to tickle her. "-shrimpy -" she giggled slightly and tried to push my hands away. "-squirt who is a major klutz besides."
"I'm not!"
"You are. Now why don't you come downstairs and have something to eat? I made your favorite."
I released her and she wriggled off the bed to go downstairs. I stopped in my bedroom to pull on a fresh T-shirt before following her, and felt my smile fade once more as the bruise on my ribs protested.
Hell of a fight. I'd almost forgotten how hard those fists can be when they connect with your body.
- - - - - -
There was no question of me eating anything, but I sat across the table and watched her anxiously as she made her way through dinner. After she'd had some ice cream, I pulled her into my lap and we watched TV together while it grew dark outside. Normally at this time of the day I was chomping at the bit to get to the shrine, but there was no chance of that tonight. I couldn't tear myself away from her, couldn't get enough of holding her. It seemed that if I let go for a moment even, she would disappear completely. Emotionally it had been a rough day for her, and it wasn't long before she was yawning in my arms.
"Ready to go to bed?"
She gave a sleepy nod, and I picked her up to carry her upstairs. And even in her darkened and quiet bedroom I couldn't bear to let go, but leaned back against her pillows and hugged her close.
"Tell me a story."
"Okay. Which one do you want?"
"I dunno."
"Cinderella?"
"No."
"Sleeping Beauty?"
"No."
"Rapunzel?"
"No."
I chuckled, and she did too.
"Well, which one?"
"I don't know. Tell me a new story."
New story? I can't make up stories; I'm not given to it. I'm a left-brainer, a man of math and science. But she had asked, and I could hardly refuse her.
"Okay… once upon a time, there was a very happy and peaceful kingdom. And there was a beautiful marble palace where a good king and queen lived. They had two children, a prince, and a beautiful princess with green eyes like her mother."
She squeezed me happily.
"I like this story."
"Um, the prince was a very strong warrior. He grew up to be tall and serious, and studied hard at learning to fight like a knight. He was convinced that he had to grow up to be the strongest king the country had ever known. And the princess became very beautiful, and every man in the kingdom wanted to marry her because she was so pretty and sweet and kind. The king and queen loved their children very much, and told the prince that he should be sure and watch out for the princess, because that was his duty as the oldest and heir to the throne."
I rested my head against the wooden shelf behind her bed and looked out the window. The moonlight spilling in was very bright and clear; it must close to a full moon tonight, if not totally there.
"But the prince never listened to the king and queen. He thought it was more important to spend all his time training, and ignored the princess most of the time. After a day where he said he would have lunch with her and then forgot to come, she was sad and left the palace to go pick flowers."
"Oh…"
"Now there were many in the kingdom that had fallen in love with the princess, and not all of them were good. It so happened that a wicked magician had decided that he wanted the princess for his wife, but she had rejected him. When he saw her, alone and helpless while picking flowers, he decided to swoop down and take her away. And he took her to his mysterious and scary castle."
I thought I felt her tense a little, but she didn't seem unduly scared. I swallowed and picked up the thread again.
"When the prince heard what had happened, he became very angry. He was furious that anyone thought they could just come down and grab his sister away from him, and decided to go and get her back. But he didn't know where the castle of the dark magician was."
"How did he find it?"
"I'm getting to that. The prince knew that someone else was in love with the princess, a mysterious person that lived in the high eaves of the palace and was not seen by many. He was a very handsome man with silver hair and eyes like diamonds, and he had long white wings like an angel. The prince and the princess never learned exactly who he was or where he came from, but he was kind to the princess and the prince knew that he would help him. So he asked him to go out over the land and fly high, and see if he could find the dark castle when no one else could. This his friend agreed to, and he set out to explore.
"While he was waiting for him to return, the prince practiced some more at his palace, determined to be ready when he met his enemy. And while he was training, a beautiful sorceress with red hair like the sunset came to visit him. She said that the warlock he was about to face was very cunning and strong, and that the prince would need to keep all his wits about him when he went to go save his sister. And then she gave him a magical bell. She said it would help him when the time came."
I couldn't think where all this creativity was coming from, but she seemed to be enjoying it. I shrugged to myself and plunged onward.
"Finally the man with wings returned and said he had found the castle. Immediately the prince got on his horse and rode hard and fast, and by the time night was coming on he had reached the gates. This was a magical place, where the man with wings could not go. The prince was going to have to go in alone. So he drew his sword and walked into the castle.
"It was a scary place, full of thorny brambles and traps. And there were monsters too, servants of the dark magician. There was a horrible black panther with wings that could breathe fire, and a witch that could fly and hurl sharp rubies through the air."
"Were there any ghosts?"
"No, Sakura, there were no ghosts in this castle. And the prince fought the monsters well, because he had trained so hard and practiced so much. It was a big castle, but he listened to his heart and found he knew the way to his sister. And up at the top of the tallest tower, he found her fast asleep on a large bed. But before he could try to wake her up, the wicked magician appeared.
'You are too late, prince,' he said with a sneer. 'I've put her in a magical sleep, and when she wakes up, she won't remember any of the people that she once loved. She'll only love me now. There's nothing you can do to stop it.'
"The prince remembered then the magical bell that the sorceress had given him, and took it out. He rang it three times, and it had a very beautiful sound. And on the third ring, his sister sat up in bed, wide awake. The spell had been broken, and she had not forgotten her brother or the man with wings or her parents. When the magician saw this, he screamed a terrible cry of rage and leapt for the prince to kill him.
"But the prince still had his sword, and they fought a ferocious duel. The magician was stronger, and older, and far more powerful than the young prince. But none of that mattered, you see. Because he was fighting for his sister, he became stronger. He was unstoppable, and at last he slew the horrible magician.
"The princess was so happy that she flew into his arms to hug him, and that was when the prince realized something. At first he had just been angry that his sister was stolen away because he felt that was an insult to his ability to protect her. But when he saw her safe and happy and so glad to see him, he realized that he had been worried for her safety and scared he might never see her again. Because after all, she was his sister and he loved her very much. She was his precious treasure. Um, the end."
I concluded my tale and waited to hear her comments. But there was only silence, and after a moment I realized that she had fallen fast asleep in my arms.
- - - - - - - -
She's never been to my house before. At least, that I know of. But I scrambled down the tree after tucking Sakura in and waited, plucking at the grass restlessly. After a short while she appeared out of the darkness, in a long dark green sundress that rippled slightly in the summer night breeze. She dropped gracefully to the ground opposite me, folding her legs and leaning forward to inspect the cut under my eye.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not nearly enough," I answered in a dull voice.
"You think you deserve to be punished?"
"I know I do. What happened today… makes me sick. It was my fault. I brought this on her."
"You cannot be held responsible for his actions. You did all you could."
"Sure. Challenged him, provoked him, then left him standing cold while I got all Ghandi. I forgot about my sister, but he didn't. My worlds collided today – him and her. He used her to get to me! And he hurt her so easily."
I struggled to keep my emotions in check, and to not break down like I had on the driveway. She waited patiently, watching me with those knowing eyes.
"I would have killed him, you know. I almost did. If she hadn't been there, watching me, I think I would have killed him. I – I was just so angry. I couldn't believe what he'd done. I wanted to pound him into the ground until there was nothing left. Forgot my vow to nonviolence just like that." I snapped my fingers and gave her wary look. "Disappointed?"
"There is a difference between searching for the fight and feeling compelled to one. You had good reason."
"Maybe. But hitting him didn't help. It didn't take away the fear. It's still here, inside me." I placed my hand over my heart. It was still going fast and hard, and my stomach was still crawling with anxiety. "I beat him down for touching her, but what if I hadn't been there? What if I hadn't found them? He could have done anything… to her. Anyone could, still. She's so little, and helpless." My hands were starting to shake again, and I pushed my fingers through my hair trying to steady them. "So little… Christ, why does she have to be so little? I can't stand this."
My shoulders shook slightly as I stared at the grass, then saw that it was beginning to blur. What was going on? There was an aching sensation behind my eyes, a memory long forgotten. I didn't realize what was happening until there was a horrible burn on the cut under my eye, and I reached up to touch. The salt had irritated the wound.
"Look at that," I sniffled. "I'm crying. I d-didn't even cry when my mother died. I haven't cried in over five years. And now I'm crying because of her. What does it mean?"
She dabbed at my cheeks lightly with the hem of her dress, and did not reply.
"I thought I hated my sister," I said miserably. "I – I could hardly stand to touch her, hated the feel of her skin against mine. I thought I was jealous of her, because I had to remember Mom's death and she didn't remember a thing. She was so carefree, and I envied her. But I d-don't hate her."
I had to stop talking to choke back some more tears.
"I was afraid. That's why I couldn't bear to touch her. That's why I couldn't admit to Dad the truth. That I do love her, more than anything. I was lying. I tried to fool myself but I couldn't, and now I know it and I am scared."
I snatched a hapless dandelion and crushed it in my fist, reducing it to a crumpled pile of golden petals.
"This could be her. Just like Mom." My chest tightened and I flicked my hand in frustration. The tiny yellow fragments fluttered back down to the grass like confetti. "The blossoms scatter, and I'm alone again. No one can stop it. I'll kill any guy I ever catch touching her again, but I'm not enough – god, there's so many things out there that could hurt her! So many people ready to prey on a little girl like her, so many ways… I can't be there all the time! I can't be there to protect her every second of every day. What am I going to do?"
My mind's eye was filled with imagined horrors of a predatory world, of vicious and cruel people who wanted to take my sister away from me. I was tempted to succumb to complete despair as I contemplated it all, knowing how futile it was to remain by her side all the time.
"No," she said finally. "No, Touya, you cannot be there by her side all the time. But you've realized the truth now, and you know your sister's rightful place in your heart. You will always strive to protect her in the future and no one can ask for more. You will do what you can."
"But what about -"
"You will do what you can," she repeated firmly. "Every day that passes is another where she grows stronger, more independent, more able to take care of herself. And there will be others, eventually. Others who can help you keep watch."
That last part surprised me out of my shivering, and I looked up into her face. More of those secrets, those mysteries. What did she know that I didn't?
But I couldn't ask. I didn't even want to, really. Somehow, she'd managed to make me feel not quite so terrible, and for that I was grateful.
"Thank you for coming."
"Of course. But now you want some time alone." I gave a tiny nod.
"Do you mind?"
"Never. There are some things that need to happen in private." She rocked forward onto the balls of her feet and dropped a gentle kiss on my brow before standing. "Please don't despair, Touya. We're never as alone as we think we are."
And with that she turned and left the yard, disappearing in the darkness just as she had on that first night we met.
Never as alone…
"She can say what she wants," I muttered aloud. "But that doesn't excuse my behavior. I failed you."
There was no answer, and I crawled away from the tree to get a more unobstructed view of the night sky. It was so clear tonight; it seemed as though I could see right up to the heavens themselves.
"I didn't mean it," I sobbed. "I didn't mean that I never wanted to see you again! You know it's the truth! Why won't you speak to me? Are you angry with me?"
The darkest fear that I might be right welled up inside me, and I could feel the tears falling faster. "I promised you! I promised you that I would look out for her, you told me I was the only one that could do it! And I ignored that promise because I wanted to pretend that I hated her.
"I'm sorry," I choked. "I know it doesn't help now, but I am sorry. It won't happen again. I'm g-going to be a good brother from now on. And if I t-take good care of her, will you come back? Because if that's what it takes, then that's what I'll do."
I turned my face down from the stars and crumpled against the ground to rest my forehead on my knee. She wasn't going to come back, that much was obvious. Not until I'd demonstrated I was speaking the truth. I was going to start taking care of Sakura, not just baby-sitting her.
Because I love her.
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Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
Music: Satellite – P.O.D.