Chapter 15
'an end'
Like a fool, I fell in love with you…
You turned my whole world upside down.
Layla, got me on my knees, baby
Begging, darling, please baby
Darling, won't you ease my worries now?
When I woke up, it took me a second to realize where I was. Morning sunlight dappled across my ceiling, and a glance at the still-there clock revealed it was eight.
What a bizarre dream.
I shook my head and sat up, raking my fingers through my hair to push it out of my eyes. Only a dream, after all… but the feeling hadn't gone away. That sense of impending change was still there, twisting my stomach into knots. Maybe I was still dreaming, and I pinched myself.
"Ouch!" I yelped out loud, then grinned wryly at myself. Okay, so I was awake, but I was probably just on edge. I knew without thinking consciously about it that it was an elaborated version of the dream I'd had the year before. The one that I hadn't been able to remember. No doubt my growing abilities had sharpened my senses, but I wasn't so sure it was a good thing.
I shrugged off my discomfort as I made my way to the bathroom down the hall. This time, the mirror did nothing untoward and I gave it a final glare of warning before I turned to go downstairs.
"Ohayo," my dad said cheerfully from the stove.
"Ohayo," I replied dispiritedly before slumping into a chair.
"Something wrong?"
"No… just a weird dream."
"What about?"
"Don't remember," I lied, and reached out to take the proffered plate from his hand. "Hey, Dad?"
"Yes?"
"You're pretty good." His brow creased in puzzlement. "As a father, I mean. You do a pretty good job."
"Oh." A smile spread across his face. "Well thank you."
I shrugged nonchalantly before turning my attention to my breakfast. The feeling still hadn't gone away, but I was doing my best to ignore it and concentrate on my food. We were a month into summer, the weather was beautiful, a whole two weeks left before the fall semester began – what could go wrong today?
"Ohayo!" Sakura bounced into the room, smiling like always. "The festival's today! Goody, goody, goody! You'll take me, right?" She tugged on my arm with insistent appeal.
"Sure," I said automatically, before remembering what day it was. "Oh, wait. No, I can't."
"What?"
"I'm working tonight, I have the evening shift at the restaurant." She scowled slightly and crossed her arms.
"I thought you worked at a yogurt shop."
"Well, now I work at a restaurant." There was no need to say that I had been fired from the yogurt shop for taking off early so I could make sure Sakura got home safely from a late practice. Or that I was at the yogurt shop because I'd been fired from the bookstore for coming in late because I was helping Sakura with her summer homework. Dad didn't need to hear such details. I was about to consider skipping my shift so I could tag along and keep an eye on her when Dad spoke up.
"I don't have much to grade tonight. We can go together, Sakura."
She gasped in delight.
"Really? You'll come with me? Oh, thank you thank you thank you, Daddy!" She leapt at him with zeal, and I was surprised at the sudden little knot of jealousy in my throat. I had thought she would only be happy if I took her. Guess not.
And so it begins, said a little voice in my head, as I stared at my half-finished breakfast. She's not just happy with you anymore, she's ready to move on, be with others.
"Shut up," I muttered.
"What was that, Touya-kun?"
"Huh? Oh nothing, just talking to myself." Whatever happened to the little tyke that worshipped only me? How could she have grown out of that so fast? I decided I had no appetite and stood up. "Sorry, but I'm not feeling so good."
"Sick? Maybe you should go lie down."
Not a chance. I was so jumpy I felt I might leap out of my skin at any moment.
"Actually, I think I need fresh air. I'm just gonna take the new bike for a spin."
"All right." I could feel his worried gaze on me as I left the house and pulled on my sneakers, but there was no way to explain myself.
Instead I kicked at the stand of my precious new mountain bike. It was probably nothing, anyway. A dream was just a dream, after all. I only needed to work off a little energy.
It didn't help that the expected act between myself and Kaho had still not come about. Between working and caring for Sakura, I couldn't visit every night, but we'd seen each other enough. She'd had plenty of opportunities to extend the invitation. But there had been nothing. Instead her thoughts seemed to be drifting further and further afield, and occasionally I heard snatches of her mental murmurings. Whispered verb conjugations, chanting numbers. It was too quiet to be sure, but it sounded as if she was practicing English.
Strange.
I turned and began to glide down a gentle slope, throwing both arms back and reveling in the sense of freedom. It was almost like flying.
Just another part of her mystery. I wasn't unduly stressed by her behavior, sure that she would confide in me when the time was right. But it still bothered me a little. There would always be sides of her that I never knew, always be something just out of my reach. I'd accepted it a long time ago, that the woman I loved had these qualities to her. But that didn't make it any easier to live with.
- - - - - - -
The day passed like those of the rest of summer. After I wore myself out riding around town, I returned home and showered, then made lunch. I fed Sakura upon her return from cheerleader practice, then caught a short nap before my shift at the restaurant. I was feeling better now, though a little sleep-deprived. In any case, I woke up feeling refreshed and pulled on my crisp white waiter's shirt over my t-shirt.
"Sakura, I'm going to work. Don't go running off anywhere!"
"Okay," she called from the patio. I paused on my way to my bike to look at the mess in front of her.
"What are you doing?"
"Homework," she said dismally. "I'm making a paper mache penguin coin bank."
"It looks like a monster to me."
"It does not!" She shot me an indignant look and I chuckled.
"You might want to make that mouth a little bigger."
"It's fine," she huffed, and I shrugged.
"Okay, don't listen to me. Ja ne." I hopped on my bike and started pedaling, leaving our comfortable and familiar house behind.
It would never look the same again.
- - - - - -
Touya?
I paused while pouring water into a couple glasses at the sound of her voice.
Where are you?
I glanced around surreptitiously but could see no sign of her in the restaurant.
I'm here. At our place. Please come, I need to be with you.
The pitcher shook in my hands, and a few drops spilled onto the tablecloth.
Now?
Now.
I didn't need any more encouragement. It was almost the end of my shift, anyway, and I set the pitcher down and began striding for the door.
"Kinomoto? Where do you think you're going?"
"I have to leave early," I replied casually, unbuttoning my shirt and undoing my tie.
"Hey, you can't just leave early! You're the only busboy still here, and you have another hour to go!"
"Believe me when I tell you that I don't care." Kaho was waiting. How could I fill glasses when I knew she was there, and ready for me at last?
"Walk out that door and you are fired, mister." I shrugged and dropped my shirt in my supervisor's hands.
"Wouldn't be the first time. Been fun working here. See you around."
And with that I left him standing, astonished, and exited the restaurant. I really wish she'd picked a better time. I was only in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'd been on my feet all evening pouring drinks and clearing tables. I was physically exhausted, but all that faded as I started pedaling for the shrine. At last… at long last it was finally going to happen.
I was almost humming as I parked my bike by the arch to the shrine. It was getting late into the night, but the festival was still going strong. Light and laughter washed around the trees, filling the atmosphere with cheer. And looking more beautiful than ever, she was waiting for me near the first tent. She was wearing more color than she ever had before, dressed in a pale violet yukata printed with white rabbits and full moons.
"Thank you so much for coming," she greeted me, holding out both hands. It was difficult to keep the goofy smile off my face as I took them and planted a light kiss on each.
"It was no problem. You know you only have to call and I'll come."
"I'll remember that." A smile flitted across her face as she took my left hand and squeezed it, then began to walk through the grounds. We'd never walked around holding hands before. It felt strange to be doing something so normal, something that most couples my age did. And in such a public place, too.
"Aren't you worried someone's going to see us?"
"Daijobu, Touya. You know as well as I do that they never really see us."
By 'us' meaning people who different, I guess. It seemed an oddly melancholy statement for her to say, and I gave her a sharp glance. Was something wrong? There was definitely a strange look in her eyes, though what it meant was impossible to guess. Even after more than a year with her, I could no more read her impassive face than I could fly.
"I'm not scared, you know," I spoke up, and she gave me a rather startled look. Apparently she hadn't even been trying to keep up with my thoughts.
"Hmm?"
"I'm not scared. To take the next step. I've been ready ever since the night you came to my house. I know that I'm ready."
"Oh." Part of her looked like she wanted to smile at that, but there was still that strange look in her eyes. "Yes, I guess we both are. Whether we know it or not."
And with that she continued walking, pulling me along. Around me the crowds were thinning, the average age creeping up as children were taken home. No doubt Dad had already taken Sakura home to tuck her in. We weren't in any danger of being discovered, but I still didn't see the point in hanging around here. When was she going to take me to her home? My free hand was shaking, I was so excited.
Yet she continued to lead me further into the festivities. We passed the ring-toss tent, and the sharpshooting tent, under the soft glow of the Chinese lanterns overhead, and around to the back of the row of booths. Here things were darker, quiet, more private. Here the starlight and the full moon had more influence, and in the silver cast our tree waved its branches invitingly. Here was our place, but I couldn't imagine that she actually wanted to make love here. Surely it was too public.
"Touya."
"Hai?"
"I have to tell you something."
"All right."
"It's not going to be easy to hear."
She turned slightly to face me, standing so close that I could inhale her light floral scent. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered a little at that, but I just nodded and squeezed her hand again. What could she possibly say that was worse than anything I'd faced over the past year?
I wish I'd never asked myself that.
The shrine exploded, a billowing orange mushroom cloud consuming the night sky and taking everything there with it. Then I blinked.
"Overseas studies?" I repeated in disbelief. She nodded. "When?"
"Tomorrow."
Tomorrow? She was leaving me, and the shrine, and everything we had – tomorrow? How could she just pick up and leave?
I could hear a rasping, harsh sound coming from somewhere, and realized it was my own breathing.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"If I told you, you would have thought about it. And I didn't want both of us to feel sad."
All this time… she'd been planning it? Planning to leave me? No, this couldn't be happening. She was just playing with me. This had to be some kind of joke. She was snuggling up to me now, and resting her head against my shoulder. I was too shocked to move.
"I first met you under this tree," she murmured. "And it's been a year since we were under this tree, when you told me that you loved me."
One of the first really difficult things I had done for her. And how happy she looked when I said those words.
So you can… she'd said. Like it was some kind of test? Was this a test too?
"I was really happy, because I really loved you too, Touya. It was fun just to spend time together with you."
"Why are you speaking in the past tense?" I finally managed to choke out. This couldn't be real. This could not be happening. And yet she was pushing my arm off of her shoulder now, taking a step back. I felt suddenly cold without her nearness, and shivered.
"Let's say sayonora."
How could she say it so coolly like that? After everything we'd shared, after all we'd been through? Goodbye forever?
"What?"
"Because…" she continued as if I hadn't said anything, "because the next time I see you, you will have someone else that you'll be in love with, Touya. And so will I."
Impossible. I could never… there was no one that was like her. We were special, different; we understood each other. I opened my mouth to deny it, but before I could say a thing she was placing her soft fingertips over my lips. I had to restrain myself from sucking on them in mute appeal.
"Daijobu," she said softly. "When I see you again, we'll become very dear friends. I promise that I will return. When the time comes."
Let's just be friends. The famous old line. I – I never thought I would hear it. Especially from her. What language is this woman speaking? How can she be saying these things?
I could see the sympathy in her eyes before she turned away from me to gaze at the full moon.
"A beautiful full moon," I heard her say. She was ripping my heart out, and she was talking about the damn moon. How? How could this be happening?
I thought she loved me!
"The time for a catastrophe to befall this world…" It was almost as if she was speaking to herself now, but it was loud enough for me to hear every word. Like my vague and blurry nightmare, I didn't understand a word of what she was saying. I was still having trouble breathing.
And she didn't even seem to be thinking about me anymore. No, her gaze was riveted on the moon, her thoughts clearly far off in the future somewhere. I never meant anything to her at all. Just a hapless student to toy with.
I think she heard me think that last part, as she turned slowly and gave me an understanding look. It seemed she'd rather expected this reaction on my part. Then her gaze slid up to pierce the leafy branches above me. Once more, I had the disconcerting feeling that she was looking right at something, something that was just above me. But this time, I couldn't be bothered to check.
"But… I'm sure that…" She hesitated and dropped her eyes. "I'm sure that it will be absolutely all right."
Like hell.
"I – I thought that you loved me," I said shakily. "Y-you were the one person I counted on, ever since moving here. You said you would always be there for me!"
"No, Touya, I didn't -"
"Don't do this to me!" My denial was finally beginning to subside; I could see how serious her eyes were. Now I was moving on to frantic begging. "You can't leave me! I don't have anyone else!"
"I have to take this next step," she explained as gently as she could. "I have to go. I am sorry, Touya -"
"Save the sorry," I interrupted. "I don't want your pity. I want your love. I want you to say you love me, and that you won't leave me!"
"I do love you," she said again. "But this has to happen. You are ready. Whether you know it or not."
Something glistened on her face in the moonlight, and she dabbed at her cheek with the long sleeve of her yukata. It was the most I'd ever seen her display of any emotion, in the entire time I'd been with her. It seemed this was pushing even her to the edge.
I can't stay here anymore. It was harder than I thought it'd be. Sayonora, Touya.
And with that, she turned and left.
I was too stunned to even think about running after her, giving it a last try, cracking that implacable shell she wore. It couldn't end like this. It just couldn't. Not even a last kiss.
Helplessly I sank to the grass and sat there for what must have been hours. I didn't cry, curiously enough. I guess my tears are only reserved for my sister. Instead I just sat there in a crumpled heap underneath our tree and watched the lights from the festival wink off, one by one. The laughter and the chatter faded, as people drifted away to their warm beds, loved ones at their side. There would be none of that for me, not even on this night when I'd been so sure she was ready to take me all the way. I'd been expecting sex, and this was what I'd gotten instead. A breakup.
How could she? She's gone? Just like that? After all we had together… the scenes that we'd shared under this very tree played through my mind, starting from that first night when she'd startled me so much. And then the next night, the first of our many cleaning sessions, the first time she gave me advice concerning my family. First kiss. First 'I love you'. It was the anniversary of that 'I love you' as she'd pointed out. How could she leave me on a day like today?
I trusted you! I thought you cared, that you and I were meant to be together and that you wouldn't hurt me like everyone else has! But it was all some kind of game for you, to see how far you could make me go.
I hate you.
I don't hate you. I love you, I love you more than anything and oh god please Kaho come back don't leave me you can't do this to me what are you thinking it's me! You can't go! Who… who will clean the shrine at nights? Who will restrain my temper, smile your sweet smile to calm me down, give me advice and help?
My thoughts were incoherent with despair, unrecognizable and haphazard. I couldn't keep a steady stream of thought to save my life. All I could dwell on was that she had just walked out of my life. I don't know how long I sat there with my thoughts running in circles, but it was long enough to see the festival shut down completely. The moon had long since set by the time some kind of discomfort penetrated my numb mind.
I was stiff, and filthy, and hungry. I wasn't really inclined to move at first, all these seeming petty inconveniences. But suddenly I couldn't look at that tree above me without a deep revulsion. In the face of my heartbreak, it had become a symbol of everything cold and cruel. I had to get out of here.
And so I stumbled to my feet and began to limp my way across the shrine. It would be a year before I returned.
I'll never know how I managed to climb up on my bike and actually pedal in a forward motion. My brain seemed utterly unable to deal with the smallest of functions, but I guess it's true that one never forgets how to ride. I went through the automatic motions of pedaling and steering, and after an undisclosed time I found myself in front of our house again. It was dark, quiet, with only the porch light left on for me. Dad and Sakura were no doubt fast asleep, dreaming sweet and untroubled dreams. At that moment I envied them more than anything.
The bike crashed on the concrete of our driveway and I dragged myself to the front door. Get in, Touya. Get in the house. This is where you live; you will feel better if you can just make it to the shower.
I couldn't remember how to work the key in my pocket, and sat on the porch for what must have been another hour before I tried again and managed to insert it into the lock. The door made a slight squeak as I pushed it open, and I almost forgot to take the key out before slamming it shut. I half expected to wake Dad, and half hoped that he would come rushing downstairs, angry and annoyed. Something, anything, to distract me from this.
But no such luck. He always was a sound sleeper. So I resigned myself to crawling up the stairs and down the hallway, where I stripped off my clothing and stood like a statue under the hot water for what was probably another hour. When I finally woke up and realized the water temperature was down to glacial, I swiped at the knobs until I was lucky and hit the right one. Then I couldn't remember where the towels were and stood shivering and dripping wet.
This isn't right. Everything is horribly, terribly wrong, and nothing is how it's supposed to be. Mom is supposed to be alive, and Sakura eternally safe, and Kaho with me. That's how things are supposed to be. Why is my life messing up like this? Didn't it read the script? Nothing is going right.
I finally found a towel and rubbed myself dry before dropping it on the pile of my clothing. I couldn't be bothered to scoop any of it up, but shuffled into my quiet and dark bedroom. Does a person sleep after they've just been dumped? It seemed a good way to escape, but part of me held back, afraid. What if I woke up, and thought that this was nothing but a bad dream? I'd have to remember the breakup all over again, and that would be too horrible. It was a bad idea to go to sleep.
I pulled on my boxers and lay down anyway, willing it to come. I didn't care about tomorrow, or the day after, or what kind of pain I'd have to re-experience upon waking up, I just wanted oblivion. I couldn't stand this ache in my chest one second longer.
Glassily I stared into the darkness, praying for the little death.
This wasn't the way things were supposed to be.
Try telling her that.
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I drifted slowly from sleep to waking, though it was hard to tell the difference lately. Blearily I gazed at my ceiling, then winced as I remembered. I hate waking up; it hurts so much to remember it all over again, just like I knew it would. But the sleep was such a lovely escape. I'd been doing hardly anything else except that.
How many days has it been now? Two? Three? Impossible to say, exactly. I'm not nocturnal, or diurnal, but something in between. I wake up, shuffle to the bathroom or downstairs into the kitchen, find something that relieves the rumble in my stomach, then return to the sanctity of my bedroom. I think Dad tried to talk to me a couple of times, but I really wasn't listening. Nothing mattered except getting back to my private room and the music.
So many songs about heartache. So many musicians must have been dumped all over the world, they've written an amazing selection of lyrics about being rejected, being left, being dumped, being divorced. Sometimes it's sudden, like for me, sometimes it's an agonizingly slow process. Sometimes it's a slow song, a mournful wail; sometimes it's an angry fight-back song with harsh chords and off beat percussion.
I didn't listen to any of it. Couldn't be bothered. Instead I just popped in Eric Clapton and did the one thing that I thought I would never do: I listened to the acoustic version of Layla. There's two versions. The one I always preferred was the electric guitar version. It's fast, snappy, with a good beat and an amazing guitar opener. The acoustic version is depressing and slow. I always wondered why he even did it.
Now I know.
What'll you do when you get lonely?And nobody's waitin' by your side…
I moved past denial and desperation some while back, how long I don't exactly recall. Now I'm somewhere in bitter rage. I hate that woman. I hate how she played with me through our whole relationship, how she always knew everything and I knew nothing. I never knew more than exactly what she intended for me to know. Never did anything that she didn't somehow engineer or construct. I hate how calm and dispassionate she was around me, even while looking me in the eye and saying that she did love me. It was bad as the time when Mom and Dad were both lying to me about her health. Worse. She knew better. I thought she understood.
She was after something, I know it. The whole relationship was part of some kind of plan of hers, though for what diabolical purpose I couldn't begin to imagine. Whatever, it didn't seem to matter to her what happened to me in the end. She turned around and left me cold without so much as a backwards glance. She didn't care at all.
She was in control, the whole time. She knew she was going to leave, but she let me think we'd be together forever anyway. I was such an idiot to trust her. I should have remembered that my life has no happy endings.
Why me? Why did she have to choose me to torment? Haven't I suffered enough? There is no end to this cruelty, apparently. It'll just keep coming, over and over again, until I've been beat down completely. What's the point in trying? Why not just give up and surrender? Someone like Ryu I can handle. I know how to hit back against someone like that threatening my happiness. But how was I supposed to know a pretty smile and auburn hair concealed such treachery?
The song ended, and I groped for my stereo's remote control and pressed Play again. Once more Eric strummed his guitar and began singing.
Someone was tugging on my arm now, peering at me with anxious green eyes.
"Go away."
"Onii-chan, you've been in bed a long time now. Are you sick?"
"No."
"Are you sure? Daddy will make you some chicken soup, you know."
"Go," I repeated, "away."
"But if you're not sick, then what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"It can't be nothing," she retorted, and tugged on my arm once more. I pulled the blankets to cover my head, but she yanked them off again. "Come on, get up! Come outside and play with me! I can show you how good I'm getting with the aerial twist!"
Damn her. Why did she have to persist in being so bloody cheerful? All the time, it never stopped. It was an inseparable part of her, but it was most unwelcome in my gloomy sanctuary.
"You just wait," I muttered, and propped myself up on an elbow so I was looking her directly in the eye.
"Hoe?"
"One day, someone you love more than anything," I tapped her gently on the nose but didn't break eye contact, "will just up and leave the country, and you won't be able to do a damn thing about it. And it'll be over." I snapped my fingers right in front of her face. She was silent, staring at me transfixed. "Just like that. And then you'll know what it's like to be all… alone… in the world."
Her eyes were big as saucers now, and after I finished she uttered a terrified shriek.
"Daddy!"She scurried from the room as fast as her little legs could go, and I collapsed back onto my pillow with a wry snort.
"What is it, sweetheart?" I heard him ask out in the hall.
"Onii-chan's being scary!" she whimpered. "He's saying strange things and I don't understand him at all!"
I could just barely hear his chuckle.
"I wouldn't worry about it, Sakura-san. Touya's just going through a hard time right now. You probably shouldn't go in there again until he's ready to come out and start talking to us. Okay? He needs some time alone."
"But why?"
"It's not very easy to explain. Let's just say that he broke something, and it's going to take a while to heal."
"How long?"
"I don't know, honey. That's up to him, I guess. Why don't we go for a nice drive, hmm? We'll go get some ice cream. We need to give your brother some space."
"Okay!" She was enthusiastic at the prospect of ice cream, though clearly still worried about me. I heard her light skip and his heavier tread as they went downstairs, then eventually the front door opening and closing.
Take a while to heal? That's understating it a little, Dad. I'll never heal from this. Never. No one could ever replace her. She was the one, the one person who understood me and my abilities. She was everything to me, but I was nothing to her.
They're gone. My abilities, that is. I realized it a while back, at the beginning of my bitter rage. Well, not completely gone, but as rough and undeveloped as they'd been before. I guess somehow her proximity was accelerating them, and now I've been dropped back to the beginning level again. I can't sense the emotions of the people around me anymore, and the images of people in our house are hazy and unclear. Well, maybe that's just because of my blurry vision. But anyway, it's just one more thing that's crumbled to ash since her departure.
Like my dignity. And self-respect.
Trust in mankind and hope for the future.
And last but not least, my will to get up and ever face the world again.
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Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
Music: Layla – Eric Clapton
Most of you probably don't even remember this, but when CardCaptor Sakura was originally broadcast in America – my initial introduction to the show – it was done dubbed and with English names substituted for the Japanese ones. This greatly incensed many anime fans, and nobody can say it was a good decision, but those are the names I was used to when I wrote this fic. Kaho's newly American name was Layla, and that is why this chapter features the song. In a way, that song more or less inspired the entire fanfic, so I couldn't just get rid of it when I switched Layla back to Kaho for the story. It might not make much sense, but it's important to me, and now you guys know.