A/N: I was listening to this song, and I thought - "This is perfect for a
fanfic." I read the words and - well, here it is. My songfic to the song "I
Know" by Fiona Apple.
This is a somewhat H/Hr fic. Well, you'll see what I mean...
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Send all fan mail to Fiona Apple and J.K. Rowling because this is the result of their brilliance :)
~* Don't Need to Say It *~
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
Hermione paced around her bedroom like a tiger in a cage at the zoo. This was her night. She had been waiting years for this, long years of waiting for Harry to take the initiative and say what she knew was on his mind. But the time had come for her to open her mouth and speak her mind -
Hermione was finally going to tell Harry she loved him.
She had hinted at it about a dozen times before, a peck on the lips goodbye here, a whisper in his ear there. But he just didn't get it. Or he pretended not to.
Whichever one it was, she didn't care. She was tired of being just the best friend, the one he leaned on for support, the one he confided in with his most inner fears and secrets. He told her more then he told his girlfriends. Hell, he had even broken off a date with Ginny last week because she was sick and he felt it was his need as her best friend to take care of her. She smiled slightly at the memory.
"Harry, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself." Hermione argued, while swallowing down the pain in her stomach.
"No, you're sick. So, you are going to sit down on that couch and I am going to bring you soup and whatever else you want."
'Whatever else I want, huh?' She thought to herself, sighing.
"I can get Ron! Ginny's going to be pissed off beyond belief if you cancel yet another date with her. If it's not me or Ron, it's work. Have you even told her about your job yet?"
"No." He grumbled.
"Christ Harry! You're going to have to tell her sometime. And now is better then never, so get out of here!"
Harry pushed her back down onto the couch. "I am staying and taking care of you. You are more important to me then a girlfriend. So sit down and shut up."
Hermione crossed her arms, but sighed with defeat. This was one argument she wasn't going to win.
And now, two weeks later, she was going to tell him show she felt. He had no idea, of course. No idea at all. He just said he needed to talk.
And that's what she was there for, right?
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in Harry."
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
Hermione went to the door to let Harry in. "So Harry, what - " She took one look at his face and knew this was going to be a long night.
His eyes were distant, his face torn between looks of anxiety and bitterness. Hermione closed the door. "Sit down." She said. But he opted to pace the room, not much unlike she had done just a few minutes before.
Hermione had seen Harry like this before, but only once, and she knew his actions meant only one thing -
Whatever his job had been that night, Harry had been forced to kill someone.
Hermione pretended not to know, just wandered into the kitchen to make tea.
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
When Hermione came back from the kitchen, Harry was sitting on the couch with his head buried in his hands.
"Harry, don't." She set the tray of tea down on her glass coffee table and pulled him into her arms.
Shortly after graduation, Harry's fame soared to heights it never had before when he finally defeated Voldemort. He had job offers coming in from every corner of the world, from Quidditch Seeker to Broomstick Tester. Even the Ministry of Magic wanted to add Harry Potter to their list of employees.
But Harry politely turned down all of them for a job as a spy ("intelligence agent!" as Harry frequently corrected Hermione). His job caused him to frequently be away for days, even weeks at a time, following some sort of uprising of dark magic, and often required him to do a long list of things that he did not want to do -
The top of that list being the possibility that he would have to kill his adversary.
Besides Voldemort, Harry had only killed one other person in his short time as a spy, and that person was Lucious Malfoy. Hermione hadn't even found out from him - it was the headline of the Daily Prophet for days after the battle. "Lucious Malfoy, Alleged Death Eater, Killed in Battle." Nobody needed to tell her who had killed him - it was written all over Harry's face the moment he arrived home.
All the time, Hermione knew. He didn't have to explain, and he didn't want to.
Now, a year later, Harry came over with the same tortured look on his face, the look of death, and the guilt that he felt knowing that he was the cause of it.
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion
I will ask no question
While I do my thing in the background
"Shh." Hermione shushed him like she would a small child.
She lifted his face to look into her eyes. She could tell he was blinking back tears.
"Tell me. Whatever you need to say just tell me. I won't ask any questions about anything, you just tell me whatever you need to get off your chest, and everything else can remain unsaid. I won't ask for any clarification - just talk. Bury your secrets here with me."
Harry nodded and stood up, pacing the room. Hermione put a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes, showing him all the love she had to offer - friendship and otherwise.
He didn't seem to notice.
But he did notice. Harry looked back into Hermione's eyes and saw so much love reflected back into his own. He wondered if she realized how much he loved her.
Harry sighed and sat down as Hermione poured him a cup of tea. She handed it to him, and he began to ramble. She did just as she said she would - Listened and asked no questions at all.
"I was asked to follow up on a group of Death Eaters I've been following lately. So that's just what did. We had some people on the inside and I was conversing with them. I was using an Invisibility Charm, but unfortunately, it must have worn off, because one of the Death Eaters saw me. I saw him run off to get Merlin knows who, and suddenly, it was like this war being waged. Curses flying everywhere, people being knocked out left and right, until it was just me and someone else. The person took off his hood, and I couldn't believe it - it was...it was..." Harry looked up at Hermione, who had busied herself with her own cup of tea. Suddenly, she looked up, feeling his intent gaze on her. She followed his gaze to the newspaper on the table, even though it really wasn't necessary as she already had it figured out.
"Oh Merlin." She sighed.
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
The headline read "Another Death Eater Slain - Draco Malfoy Killed in Battle".
Hermione didn't even need to hear Harry speak for him to know what he was thinking - First his father, now him. And I killed them. "I killed them..." he said quietly.
Hermione sat back down next to him and pulled him into her arms. "Only because you had to." Harry looked up into Hermione's eyes. She dried the tears from his eyes, and he moved her hands from his face to her lap. Her stroked her cheek and leaned up to kiss her.
Baby - I can't help you out
While she's still around
"Hermione." He said between kisses. "Harry." He pulled away and pressed his palm to her lips. "We can't. I want to, but...we can't. Not until I officially break things off with Ginny. I can't...We can't.."
Hermione looked at him with tears in her eyes. She wanted to scream, "Harry, you idiot, don't you see I love you?" But she didn't say a word. She glanced down and then up at him again.
"I - " She sighed, frustrated with both Harry and herself, and got up off of the couch. She walked up the stairs and to her bedroom and threw herself on the bed. She faintly heard the front door creak open and snap shut.
So for the time being
I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
Would you just consider this -
Even if it don't make sense
Turns out that wasn't the front door at all. It was the door to her bedroom. Harry had followed her up the stairs and she felt the bed shift as he sat down.
"I'm trying so hard to be patient, Harry. Ever since you started going out with Ginny, I've wanted to steal you for myself. I mean, I - I just don't know what to do anymore. I have these feelings rooted so much deeper then friendship, and - "
"I know." Harry said, cutting her off. "It just doesn't make any sense."
Hermione kept her face buried in her pillows as she whispered, "Should it?"
All the time
Give it time
"Give it time Hermione. Give me time. I need to think about a lot of things. Don't I deserve time to figure all of this out?"
Hermione didn't answer. Harry sighed loudly, got up, and walked out in a huff. Hermione vaguely heard what she knew was really the front door this time, slam shut behind him.
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtain
I'll wait by the backstage door
Hermione was standing in the freezing cold waiting for Harry to get out of work. She knew he didn't get out for another hour, but she figured she'd get there early and catch him as he left. She rubbed her hands together as she went over her conversation with Ginny earlier that day.
Hermione had taken the day off, and was surprised to hear a knock at her door. She was hoping that it would be Harry, but she knew that he was working. They hadn't parted on a good note, and she wanted to set things straight between them before the week was up.
Imagine her surprise when she saw Ginny standing outside her door.
"Ginny? Come on in - don't you have work today?"
"No. I have the day off." She seemed somewhat upset.
"Do you want to sit down?"
"No. I can't stay long. I have to meet Ron in a few minutes."
"Oh. Well - "
"Hermione, Harry broke up with me this morning."
Hermione's heart skipped a beat. It took a few seconds for her to find her voice.
"Oh." Was all she could say.
"I have to say, I'm surprised it's lasted this long. I mean, the past few weeks have been tense, and we've just grown apart. It was sort of a mutual thing, but I still feel - " Ginny cut herself off when she saw her friend's face.
"Oh my God."
"What?" Hermione asked.
"You're in love with Harry, aren't you?"
Hermione was quite taken back. "What?"
"I've suspected it for a while. But - Oh my God."
Hermione flopped down on the couch. "You can say that again." And she explained exactly what happened between them three nights before. Ginny wasn't as upset as Hermione thought she would be. In fact, Ginny was the one who advised that Hermione find Harry after work that night and speak to him since he got out early on Fridays.
So here she was, freezing in the cold, waiting for Harry to get out of work at the back door - he never left out front because "there's always so much of the press around." She glanced at her watch and sighed - forty-five minutes to go.
While you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open hoping for an encore
Harry was standing at the window of his office and saw Hermione standing downstairs waiting for him. He sighed, trying to figure out what exactly he was going to say to her.
He was sure that Ginny had told her that they had broken up. Although he initiated it, the break-up was pretty much mutual. Harry glanced down and smiled sadly when he saw her standing there. 'She's so beautiful...I love her....' Though this was all he needed to say to her and he knew that, he sat in his office trying to put his thoughts together in words that would sound both intelligent and truthful.
He had the perfect speech in his mind, but completely lost it as he reached the street. Harry searched his mind, but to no avail. He sighed and leaned against the wall, wondering what to do next. He didn't realize how late it was getting as he stood there waiting.
And if it gets too late
For me to wait
For you to find you love me
And tell me so
Hermione glanced at her watch. Harry was over a half-hour late. She was freezing, and didn't realize that she started to cry.
She loved him. She knew it. But she was tired of waiting for him to come around. She did her part. It was his turn now.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and her cheeks and walked slowly off.
Harry walked outside and was shocked to find that Hermione was no longer waiting for him.
He looked up and down the street, and she was no where in sight.
She left him. He had waited too long to decide to tell her that he loved her.
Harry frustratedly wiped the tears that had begun to form in his eyes. He vaguely acknowledged the fact that it began to snow.
Harry walked off towards the small children's park near his job. It was built along with the daycare center for all of his coworkers who had children that were still too young to go to school.
He glanced up at the moon - it was full and shining brightly.
That's when he noticed Hermione sitting on one of the swings, slowly rocking back and forth.
It's ok
Harry silently walked over to her. "Is this seat taken?"
Hermione had been looking up at the same moon he was looking at. She looked down, straight into his eyes, and said, "No. Stay as long as you like."
Don't need to say it.
They sat there together for hours, slowly swinging back and forth. The snow collected on the ground around them, but they were barely aware.
They were silently expressing their love - not saying a single word, but understanding all the same.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Send all fan mail to Fiona Apple and J.K. Rowling because this is the result of their brilliance :)
~* Don't Need to Say It *~
So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
Hermione paced around her bedroom like a tiger in a cage at the zoo. This was her night. She had been waiting years for this, long years of waiting for Harry to take the initiative and say what she knew was on his mind. But the time had come for her to open her mouth and speak her mind -
Hermione was finally going to tell Harry she loved him.
She had hinted at it about a dozen times before, a peck on the lips goodbye here, a whisper in his ear there. But he just didn't get it. Or he pretended not to.
Whichever one it was, she didn't care. She was tired of being just the best friend, the one he leaned on for support, the one he confided in with his most inner fears and secrets. He told her more then he told his girlfriends. Hell, he had even broken off a date with Ginny last week because she was sick and he felt it was his need as her best friend to take care of her. She smiled slightly at the memory.
"Harry, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself." Hermione argued, while swallowing down the pain in her stomach.
"No, you're sick. So, you are going to sit down on that couch and I am going to bring you soup and whatever else you want."
'Whatever else I want, huh?' She thought to herself, sighing.
"I can get Ron! Ginny's going to be pissed off beyond belief if you cancel yet another date with her. If it's not me or Ron, it's work. Have you even told her about your job yet?"
"No." He grumbled.
"Christ Harry! You're going to have to tell her sometime. And now is better then never, so get out of here!"
Harry pushed her back down onto the couch. "I am staying and taking care of you. You are more important to me then a girlfriend. So sit down and shut up."
Hermione crossed her arms, but sighed with defeat. This was one argument she wasn't going to win.
And now, two weeks later, she was going to tell him show she felt. He had no idea, of course. No idea at all. He just said he needed to talk.
And that's what she was there for, right?
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in Harry."
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
Hermione went to the door to let Harry in. "So Harry, what - " She took one look at his face and knew this was going to be a long night.
His eyes were distant, his face torn between looks of anxiety and bitterness. Hermione closed the door. "Sit down." She said. But he opted to pace the room, not much unlike she had done just a few minutes before.
Hermione had seen Harry like this before, but only once, and she knew his actions meant only one thing -
Whatever his job had been that night, Harry had been forced to kill someone.
Hermione pretended not to know, just wandered into the kitchen to make tea.
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
When Hermione came back from the kitchen, Harry was sitting on the couch with his head buried in his hands.
"Harry, don't." She set the tray of tea down on her glass coffee table and pulled him into her arms.
Shortly after graduation, Harry's fame soared to heights it never had before when he finally defeated Voldemort. He had job offers coming in from every corner of the world, from Quidditch Seeker to Broomstick Tester. Even the Ministry of Magic wanted to add Harry Potter to their list of employees.
But Harry politely turned down all of them for a job as a spy ("intelligence agent!" as Harry frequently corrected Hermione). His job caused him to frequently be away for days, even weeks at a time, following some sort of uprising of dark magic, and often required him to do a long list of things that he did not want to do -
The top of that list being the possibility that he would have to kill his adversary.
Besides Voldemort, Harry had only killed one other person in his short time as a spy, and that person was Lucious Malfoy. Hermione hadn't even found out from him - it was the headline of the Daily Prophet for days after the battle. "Lucious Malfoy, Alleged Death Eater, Killed in Battle." Nobody needed to tell her who had killed him - it was written all over Harry's face the moment he arrived home.
All the time, Hermione knew. He didn't have to explain, and he didn't want to.
Now, a year later, Harry came over with the same tortured look on his face, the look of death, and the guilt that he felt knowing that he was the cause of it.
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion
I will ask no question
While I do my thing in the background
"Shh." Hermione shushed him like she would a small child.
She lifted his face to look into her eyes. She could tell he was blinking back tears.
"Tell me. Whatever you need to say just tell me. I won't ask any questions about anything, you just tell me whatever you need to get off your chest, and everything else can remain unsaid. I won't ask for any clarification - just talk. Bury your secrets here with me."
Harry nodded and stood up, pacing the room. Hermione put a hand on his shoulder and looked into his eyes, showing him all the love she had to offer - friendship and otherwise.
He didn't seem to notice.
But he did notice. Harry looked back into Hermione's eyes and saw so much love reflected back into his own. He wondered if she realized how much he loved her.
Harry sighed and sat down as Hermione poured him a cup of tea. She handed it to him, and he began to ramble. She did just as she said she would - Listened and asked no questions at all.
"I was asked to follow up on a group of Death Eaters I've been following lately. So that's just what did. We had some people on the inside and I was conversing with them. I was using an Invisibility Charm, but unfortunately, it must have worn off, because one of the Death Eaters saw me. I saw him run off to get Merlin knows who, and suddenly, it was like this war being waged. Curses flying everywhere, people being knocked out left and right, until it was just me and someone else. The person took off his hood, and I couldn't believe it - it was...it was..." Harry looked up at Hermione, who had busied herself with her own cup of tea. Suddenly, she looked up, feeling his intent gaze on her. She followed his gaze to the newspaper on the table, even though it really wasn't necessary as she already had it figured out.
"Oh Merlin." She sighed.
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
The headline read "Another Death Eater Slain - Draco Malfoy Killed in Battle".
Hermione didn't even need to hear Harry speak for him to know what he was thinking - First his father, now him. And I killed them. "I killed them..." he said quietly.
Hermione sat back down next to him and pulled him into her arms. "Only because you had to." Harry looked up into Hermione's eyes. She dried the tears from his eyes, and he moved her hands from his face to her lap. Her stroked her cheek and leaned up to kiss her.
Baby - I can't help you out
While she's still around
"Hermione." He said between kisses. "Harry." He pulled away and pressed his palm to her lips. "We can't. I want to, but...we can't. Not until I officially break things off with Ginny. I can't...We can't.."
Hermione looked at him with tears in her eyes. She wanted to scream, "Harry, you idiot, don't you see I love you?" But she didn't say a word. She glanced down and then up at him again.
"I - " She sighed, frustrated with both Harry and herself, and got up off of the couch. She walked up the stairs and to her bedroom and threw herself on the bed. She faintly heard the front door creak open and snap shut.
So for the time being
I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
Would you just consider this -
Even if it don't make sense
Turns out that wasn't the front door at all. It was the door to her bedroom. Harry had followed her up the stairs and she felt the bed shift as he sat down.
"I'm trying so hard to be patient, Harry. Ever since you started going out with Ginny, I've wanted to steal you for myself. I mean, I - I just don't know what to do anymore. I have these feelings rooted so much deeper then friendship, and - "
"I know." Harry said, cutting her off. "It just doesn't make any sense."
Hermione kept her face buried in her pillows as she whispered, "Should it?"
All the time
Give it time
"Give it time Hermione. Give me time. I need to think about a lot of things. Don't I deserve time to figure all of this out?"
Hermione didn't answer. Harry sighed loudly, got up, and walked out in a huff. Hermione vaguely heard what she knew was really the front door this time, slam shut behind him.
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtain
I'll wait by the backstage door
Hermione was standing in the freezing cold waiting for Harry to get out of work. She knew he didn't get out for another hour, but she figured she'd get there early and catch him as he left. She rubbed her hands together as she went over her conversation with Ginny earlier that day.
Hermione had taken the day off, and was surprised to hear a knock at her door. She was hoping that it would be Harry, but she knew that he was working. They hadn't parted on a good note, and she wanted to set things straight between them before the week was up.
Imagine her surprise when she saw Ginny standing outside her door.
"Ginny? Come on in - don't you have work today?"
"No. I have the day off." She seemed somewhat upset.
"Do you want to sit down?"
"No. I can't stay long. I have to meet Ron in a few minutes."
"Oh. Well - "
"Hermione, Harry broke up with me this morning."
Hermione's heart skipped a beat. It took a few seconds for her to find her voice.
"Oh." Was all she could say.
"I have to say, I'm surprised it's lasted this long. I mean, the past few weeks have been tense, and we've just grown apart. It was sort of a mutual thing, but I still feel - " Ginny cut herself off when she saw her friend's face.
"Oh my God."
"What?" Hermione asked.
"You're in love with Harry, aren't you?"
Hermione was quite taken back. "What?"
"I've suspected it for a while. But - Oh my God."
Hermione flopped down on the couch. "You can say that again." And she explained exactly what happened between them three nights before. Ginny wasn't as upset as Hermione thought she would be. In fact, Ginny was the one who advised that Hermione find Harry after work that night and speak to him since he got out early on Fridays.
So here she was, freezing in the cold, waiting for Harry to get out of work at the back door - he never left out front because "there's always so much of the press around." She glanced at her watch and sighed - forty-five minutes to go.
While you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open hoping for an encore
Harry was standing at the window of his office and saw Hermione standing downstairs waiting for him. He sighed, trying to figure out what exactly he was going to say to her.
He was sure that Ginny had told her that they had broken up. Although he initiated it, the break-up was pretty much mutual. Harry glanced down and smiled sadly when he saw her standing there. 'She's so beautiful...I love her....' Though this was all he needed to say to her and he knew that, he sat in his office trying to put his thoughts together in words that would sound both intelligent and truthful.
He had the perfect speech in his mind, but completely lost it as he reached the street. Harry searched his mind, but to no avail. He sighed and leaned against the wall, wondering what to do next. He didn't realize how late it was getting as he stood there waiting.
And if it gets too late
For me to wait
For you to find you love me
And tell me so
Hermione glanced at her watch. Harry was over a half-hour late. She was freezing, and didn't realize that she started to cry.
She loved him. She knew it. But she was tired of waiting for him to come around. She did her part. It was his turn now.
She wiped the tears from her eyes and her cheeks and walked slowly off.
Harry walked outside and was shocked to find that Hermione was no longer waiting for him.
He looked up and down the street, and she was no where in sight.
She left him. He had waited too long to decide to tell her that he loved her.
Harry frustratedly wiped the tears that had begun to form in his eyes. He vaguely acknowledged the fact that it began to snow.
Harry walked off towards the small children's park near his job. It was built along with the daycare center for all of his coworkers who had children that were still too young to go to school.
He glanced up at the moon - it was full and shining brightly.
That's when he noticed Hermione sitting on one of the swings, slowly rocking back and forth.
It's ok
Harry silently walked over to her. "Is this seat taken?"
Hermione had been looking up at the same moon he was looking at. She looked down, straight into his eyes, and said, "No. Stay as long as you like."
Don't need to say it.
They sat there together for hours, slowly swinging back and forth. The snow collected on the ground around them, but they were barely aware.
They were silently expressing their love - not saying a single word, but understanding all the same.