As requested by a couple of readers, this chapter is what happened with
Ayledan, Spike, and Buffy.
2711
I sit alone, staring out the window at the cloudy skies. Today's weather is fitting. A lump fills my throat, and I swallow past the ache. Reaching up a finger, I trace a clear path through the condensed precipitation on the glass pane. I think ironically that everything was clear before today, but now. . .
"Are you ready, pet?" Spike runs a hand over my neck and kisses my cheek gently. I feel the tension in his body.
Looking up at him, I note how handsome he appears clad in black with his hair blond for the first time in I don't recall how many years. His eyes are shiny with unshed tears, and his evident pain squeezes my heart in a way only he can move me.
My gaze returns to the world outside. I tremble and fight the tears that threaten to spill over my cheeks. "No."
He sighs, half out of impatience, half out of dread to go himself. "Buffy, we'll miss the ceremony unless we leave now."
"I don't know if I want to go." The grey skies are crying gallons of water, and I want to retreat to the warmth of the bed with my lover, so I can put off facing the truth for a little while longer.
"What would Ayledan want you to do?"
I close my eyes, and Ayledan's broken, bloody body lights up my mind. Guilt rips through my gut. "I know. She'd want me to go."
"Yes." He takes my hand as I rise and laces his fingers with mine. I peek up at him from under dark waves. Then, I hug his arm to me; I need him now more than he can know.
"Did you get the memory box?" I ask softly, rubbing his forearm tenderly.
He brushes a strand of hair off my face, and then, his hand dives into his jacket pocket, pulling out the tiny black strip. He cradles the bit of technology in his palm as he held Ayledan as her life melted out of her. In that little strip is the final bit of our daughter. I stroke the metal with two fingers, and then, the truth overwhelms me.
Ayledan is never coming home.
My voice is almost inaudible, "It feels wrong."
"It does," he responds.
"I've seen so many people I love die, but I never expected to see my daughter go before me," I murmur.
"I never expected to have a daughter," Spike whispers more deeply than normal.
"Me either."
Our tears fall together, and soon, we are seated on the floor with our legs crossed and knees touching. He holds my hands in his larger ones, and our lips meet briefly. . . in reassurance that one of us will not leave the other.
Then, I'm startled as Spike laughs. My lips turn up in involuntary reaction. "What's funny?"
"I was just remembering what she said to those wankers on the Council when we approached them about taking on her training and making her our daughter."
I giggle. "I remember."
***"But Ayledan, You do not know what you ask. We cannot allow you to be trained by and live with monsters," the Council leader protests.
"But, you see, I have no family now." Ayledan stands before the Council board with her hands clasped behind her back. Her long, black hair is swept up off her neck, and she is dressed in a light brown suit and heels, giving her a responsible, adult appearance. "And they," she gestures toward Spike and I, "can give me everything I need. Training and a family."
"Why do you need a family? You are an adult. And you have friends and a Watcher to aide you. And we can't abide you communing with them. Spike has killed four slayers, including Buffy. We cannot chance that he would do the same to you. You are, therefore, forbidden from any connection with either of them."
Ayledan is swift in her reaction as she rushes at the Council leader. In an instant, he is thrown back and pinned to the table behind him. "You have no right to tell me what to do with my life. And I have a right to choose my own family. And unless you make this adoption go through, I'm through with you. I'll walk away, and you won't hear from me again."
She releases the leader, and he turns to the other board members. They gather in a tight circle, talking in quiet mumbles amongst one another. Although they speak the international language, they seem to be talking in gibberish. Then, their leader confronts the slayer again, face wearing a deep frown.
"All right, Ayledan. You may stay with them on one condition."
Ayledan straightens her shoulders and says, "And what might that be?"
"Spike and Buffy must work with us as well and abide by our rules."
An expression of panic brightens her eyes briefly as she turns to us in uncertainty. Without a word, I nod to her. A broad grin spreads across her features. She faces the leader and states, "We accept your terms."
Two seconds later, Ayledan rushes to us and engulfs us in a huge hug. "Hi, Mom and Dad."***
"What's your favorite memory of her?" I touch my forehead to Spike's.
"I dunno. There're so many, love." He thinks for a bit. "I think my favorite is when we bought this place. . . when we showed her for the first time."
***"What's the surprise?" Ayledan is wearing an eager expression. She's taller and stronger than me, but she's also still younger than twenty years of age.
Spike is just as excited as she is. "Keep your eyes shut tight, bit. Soon, very soon, you'll know."
Eyebrows raised, I glance at Spike with my hands on my hips. "I think she better cover her eyes with her hands, too."
Ayledan laughs loudly and presses both hands to her eyes. "They're covered; they're covered. What's the surprise? Hurry, I wanna know."
Spike takes her by the elbow and guides her to the public transport room. I enter behind them and lean against the wall as Spike gives the location to the computer. In the next instant, we're stepping into our new home.
"Okay, open them!" I exclaim.
Ayledan shrieks as soon as she uncovers her eyes. "A home! I've never had a home before!" She runs up the stairs in the loft apartment and finds the bedroom that's bare except for a bed and a feminine dresser, mirror, and chair. There's also a large ceiling to floor window with a cushioned window seat where she can curl up with books or nap or daydream.
Spike and I follow her, smiling goofily. We are giddy to have a new life amongst us. ***
"And yours?" Spike fields the question back at me.
My response is immediate, "When we had our talks."
"Ahhh. Any one in particular, pet?"
I smile wistfully. "Yeah."
*** "Buffy, Mom, can I talk with you?"
Glancing at her upside down from my stretching position in the training room, I reply, "Sure." I bounce back to an upright stance. I bend to snag my towel and water, leaning to the wall to shut off the thrumming exercise music. Even though I don't need the water and don't sweat, old habits die hard. "What's up, sweetie?" I take a drink of water and pat the seat next to me on the wall bench.
Ayledan gracefully settles next to me. A line appears between her eyes. "Will I ever have a normal life?"
Of all the questions that I thought she might ask, that was not one of them. I suppose I should have expected it. I take time to gather my thoughts before answering her query with another question. "What's normal?"
"I don't honestly know."
"Why are you asking me this, Ay?"
She studies her hands in her lap. "I just figured you might have felt the same way before. . . I mean, since you were the slayer, too."
I lean forward to force her to look me in the eye. "What happened?"
"Ben broke up with me." Tears fill her eyes.
I stroke her shoulder. "Oh, Ay. When? Why?"
She sniffles, and her tone is angry when she speaks again, "Last night, we went to dinner for our anniversary, you know, and a couple of vamps sat at the table next to us. So, you can guess what I was doing the whole night."
"Ben was trying to be romantic, and you couldn't focus because the vamps were there," I finish the story for her.
"Yeah. And we had to leave when they did, so I could stake them. He asked me if we would ever have a normal date. . . if we'd ever get married and have babies." Her expression is dejected.
"What did you tell him?" I urge her to continue.
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I told him he knows I don't want kids and that I'm not ready to be married and that he would have to accept that slaying is part of who I am. And he said he couldn't take it anymore, and he couldn't see me anymore."
Ayledan bursts into tears then and lays her head in my lap. "Why can't he love me for who I am? What's wrong with me? Am I a freak?"
I allow her to sob for a few minutes before telling her to sit up. "Listen to me, Ay. You are a beautiful young woman. You are not a freak, and nothing is wrong with you. And Ben. He's just insecure. And one day, someone will accept you for who you are and love every part of you."
She smiles through her tears. "Like Dad loves you."
"Yeah, like Spike loves me." I return her smile.
She wipes her eyes on my sweat towel and takes a drink of the water I offer her. "I'm so lucky."
"And why's that?" I replace the strand of her hair that's come loose again.
"Cause I have you and Dad to talk with."
"And we're lucky to have you."
"And all those things you said. . . I needed to hear them. I mean, I know they're true, and it's a really simple thing, but I needed that." Her eyes are wide and earnest.
"I know. I needed to say them. Reminds me of who I am, too."
"Do you think Ben will come back?"
"Sweetie, I don't know. But if he doesn't, he's a fool."
She grins. "I know."***
Spike is smiling at my memory. "I didn't realize you'd discussed that with her."
"Yeah."
Ben had come back to Ayledan. Unlike most of the men in my life whom I can hardly recall, Ben didn't walk away forever. Like Spike, he made an effort to change and returned to Ayledan. They were engaged when Ayledan was killed. . . .
"Spike, we missed the ceremony," I realize, coming out of our sea of memories.
"Ah, pet, we had our own ceremony."
"What about the memory box?" I tap his pocket.
Spike presses his lips to my forehead. "We'll bring it later."
I agree without saying a word. "We were lucky to have her."
"That we were, love; that we were."
* * *
2711
I sit alone, staring out the window at the cloudy skies. Today's weather is fitting. A lump fills my throat, and I swallow past the ache. Reaching up a finger, I trace a clear path through the condensed precipitation on the glass pane. I think ironically that everything was clear before today, but now. . .
"Are you ready, pet?" Spike runs a hand over my neck and kisses my cheek gently. I feel the tension in his body.
Looking up at him, I note how handsome he appears clad in black with his hair blond for the first time in I don't recall how many years. His eyes are shiny with unshed tears, and his evident pain squeezes my heart in a way only he can move me.
My gaze returns to the world outside. I tremble and fight the tears that threaten to spill over my cheeks. "No."
He sighs, half out of impatience, half out of dread to go himself. "Buffy, we'll miss the ceremony unless we leave now."
"I don't know if I want to go." The grey skies are crying gallons of water, and I want to retreat to the warmth of the bed with my lover, so I can put off facing the truth for a little while longer.
"What would Ayledan want you to do?"
I close my eyes, and Ayledan's broken, bloody body lights up my mind. Guilt rips through my gut. "I know. She'd want me to go."
"Yes." He takes my hand as I rise and laces his fingers with mine. I peek up at him from under dark waves. Then, I hug his arm to me; I need him now more than he can know.
"Did you get the memory box?" I ask softly, rubbing his forearm tenderly.
He brushes a strand of hair off my face, and then, his hand dives into his jacket pocket, pulling out the tiny black strip. He cradles the bit of technology in his palm as he held Ayledan as her life melted out of her. In that little strip is the final bit of our daughter. I stroke the metal with two fingers, and then, the truth overwhelms me.
Ayledan is never coming home.
My voice is almost inaudible, "It feels wrong."
"It does," he responds.
"I've seen so many people I love die, but I never expected to see my daughter go before me," I murmur.
"I never expected to have a daughter," Spike whispers more deeply than normal.
"Me either."
Our tears fall together, and soon, we are seated on the floor with our legs crossed and knees touching. He holds my hands in his larger ones, and our lips meet briefly. . . in reassurance that one of us will not leave the other.
Then, I'm startled as Spike laughs. My lips turn up in involuntary reaction. "What's funny?"
"I was just remembering what she said to those wankers on the Council when we approached them about taking on her training and making her our daughter."
I giggle. "I remember."
***"But Ayledan, You do not know what you ask. We cannot allow you to be trained by and live with monsters," the Council leader protests.
"But, you see, I have no family now." Ayledan stands before the Council board with her hands clasped behind her back. Her long, black hair is swept up off her neck, and she is dressed in a light brown suit and heels, giving her a responsible, adult appearance. "And they," she gestures toward Spike and I, "can give me everything I need. Training and a family."
"Why do you need a family? You are an adult. And you have friends and a Watcher to aide you. And we can't abide you communing with them. Spike has killed four slayers, including Buffy. We cannot chance that he would do the same to you. You are, therefore, forbidden from any connection with either of them."
Ayledan is swift in her reaction as she rushes at the Council leader. In an instant, he is thrown back and pinned to the table behind him. "You have no right to tell me what to do with my life. And I have a right to choose my own family. And unless you make this adoption go through, I'm through with you. I'll walk away, and you won't hear from me again."
She releases the leader, and he turns to the other board members. They gather in a tight circle, talking in quiet mumbles amongst one another. Although they speak the international language, they seem to be talking in gibberish. Then, their leader confronts the slayer again, face wearing a deep frown.
"All right, Ayledan. You may stay with them on one condition."
Ayledan straightens her shoulders and says, "And what might that be?"
"Spike and Buffy must work with us as well and abide by our rules."
An expression of panic brightens her eyes briefly as she turns to us in uncertainty. Without a word, I nod to her. A broad grin spreads across her features. She faces the leader and states, "We accept your terms."
Two seconds later, Ayledan rushes to us and engulfs us in a huge hug. "Hi, Mom and Dad."***
"What's your favorite memory of her?" I touch my forehead to Spike's.
"I dunno. There're so many, love." He thinks for a bit. "I think my favorite is when we bought this place. . . when we showed her for the first time."
***"What's the surprise?" Ayledan is wearing an eager expression. She's taller and stronger than me, but she's also still younger than twenty years of age.
Spike is just as excited as she is. "Keep your eyes shut tight, bit. Soon, very soon, you'll know."
Eyebrows raised, I glance at Spike with my hands on my hips. "I think she better cover her eyes with her hands, too."
Ayledan laughs loudly and presses both hands to her eyes. "They're covered; they're covered. What's the surprise? Hurry, I wanna know."
Spike takes her by the elbow and guides her to the public transport room. I enter behind them and lean against the wall as Spike gives the location to the computer. In the next instant, we're stepping into our new home.
"Okay, open them!" I exclaim.
Ayledan shrieks as soon as she uncovers her eyes. "A home! I've never had a home before!" She runs up the stairs in the loft apartment and finds the bedroom that's bare except for a bed and a feminine dresser, mirror, and chair. There's also a large ceiling to floor window with a cushioned window seat where she can curl up with books or nap or daydream.
Spike and I follow her, smiling goofily. We are giddy to have a new life amongst us. ***
"And yours?" Spike fields the question back at me.
My response is immediate, "When we had our talks."
"Ahhh. Any one in particular, pet?"
I smile wistfully. "Yeah."
*** "Buffy, Mom, can I talk with you?"
Glancing at her upside down from my stretching position in the training room, I reply, "Sure." I bounce back to an upright stance. I bend to snag my towel and water, leaning to the wall to shut off the thrumming exercise music. Even though I don't need the water and don't sweat, old habits die hard. "What's up, sweetie?" I take a drink of water and pat the seat next to me on the wall bench.
Ayledan gracefully settles next to me. A line appears between her eyes. "Will I ever have a normal life?"
Of all the questions that I thought she might ask, that was not one of them. I suppose I should have expected it. I take time to gather my thoughts before answering her query with another question. "What's normal?"
"I don't honestly know."
"Why are you asking me this, Ay?"
She studies her hands in her lap. "I just figured you might have felt the same way before. . . I mean, since you were the slayer, too."
I lean forward to force her to look me in the eye. "What happened?"
"Ben broke up with me." Tears fill her eyes.
I stroke her shoulder. "Oh, Ay. When? Why?"
She sniffles, and her tone is angry when she speaks again, "Last night, we went to dinner for our anniversary, you know, and a couple of vamps sat at the table next to us. So, you can guess what I was doing the whole night."
"Ben was trying to be romantic, and you couldn't focus because the vamps were there," I finish the story for her.
"Yeah. And we had to leave when they did, so I could stake them. He asked me if we would ever have a normal date. . . if we'd ever get married and have babies." Her expression is dejected.
"What did you tell him?" I urge her to continue.
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I told him he knows I don't want kids and that I'm not ready to be married and that he would have to accept that slaying is part of who I am. And he said he couldn't take it anymore, and he couldn't see me anymore."
Ayledan bursts into tears then and lays her head in my lap. "Why can't he love me for who I am? What's wrong with me? Am I a freak?"
I allow her to sob for a few minutes before telling her to sit up. "Listen to me, Ay. You are a beautiful young woman. You are not a freak, and nothing is wrong with you. And Ben. He's just insecure. And one day, someone will accept you for who you are and love every part of you."
She smiles through her tears. "Like Dad loves you."
"Yeah, like Spike loves me." I return her smile.
She wipes her eyes on my sweat towel and takes a drink of the water I offer her. "I'm so lucky."
"And why's that?" I replace the strand of her hair that's come loose again.
"Cause I have you and Dad to talk with."
"And we're lucky to have you."
"And all those things you said. . . I needed to hear them. I mean, I know they're true, and it's a really simple thing, but I needed that." Her eyes are wide and earnest.
"I know. I needed to say them. Reminds me of who I am, too."
"Do you think Ben will come back?"
"Sweetie, I don't know. But if he doesn't, he's a fool."
She grins. "I know."***
Spike is smiling at my memory. "I didn't realize you'd discussed that with her."
"Yeah."
Ben had come back to Ayledan. Unlike most of the men in my life whom I can hardly recall, Ben didn't walk away forever. Like Spike, he made an effort to change and returned to Ayledan. They were engaged when Ayledan was killed. . . .
"Spike, we missed the ceremony," I realize, coming out of our sea of memories.
"Ah, pet, we had our own ceremony."
"What about the memory box?" I tap his pocket.
Spike presses his lips to my forehead. "We'll bring it later."
I agree without saying a word. "We were lucky to have her."
"That we were, love; that we were."
* * *