Title: Faith Lost
Author: Tiffany G.
Email: cybermaden@yahoo.com
Summary: Set in season 7. Spoilers through to present episodes. Spike has lost faith in life, and his soul has lost faith in God. There is no one to reach out to.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy's. "Prayer" belongs to Disturbed.
Notes: { } contain Spike's voices, conscience, guilt. [ ] are regular thoughts.
Spike crept quietly back into the basement of Sunnydale High. The dark, lonely place had been his home since he'd returned with his soul. He was still battling the voices, and his self mutilation continued, albeit less frequently. He helped the Scoobies whenever they asked, but he never spoke much, and he associated with no one else. When the job was done, Spike would slink back to the cold expanse of the basement. Along with not talking as much, he could barely even look Buffy or the others in the eyes. Willow had tried to get him to open up, but he was stubborn and she gave up quickly. She herself needed to heal, and you can't help someone who doesn't want it. Truthfully, he wanted it. So bad that he cried for it every night. The thing was, he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything from anyone. God had most likely forsaken him, both the soul and demon were sure of it.
--Another dream that will never come true
Just to compliment your sorrow
Another life that I've taken from you
A gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
Has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
Trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening
Let me enlighten you, this is the way I pray--
Spike sat on a makeshift bed. He'd put it together using old cardboard boxes and some blankets Willow had given him. He lit a small candle he kept beside it. Spike now depended heavily upon the Slayer and her friends. He avoided them, but he was grateful that they still fed him and provided him with enough to survive. He hadn't had a cigarette in a good while, but that was a luxury he couldn't afford.
[I could really use the nicotine about now.] The voices were loudest when he was alone like this. He began to tremble.
"The spark was away with God for over one hundred years. Slayer would know how that feels. This is hell, isn't it? When no one cares about you, when you are lower than dirt. No one wants to soil their clean flesh with my filth."
A rat scurried across the floor and Spike was tempted to catch it for a bit of warm blood. He shook his head, he mustn't, the Red Witch gave him bagged blood every week and that should be enough.
{ No less than you deserve. No more than you deserve. You aren't owed anything, yet they keep you alive. Show them gratitude by helping them. But you remember you are worthless. You should be dead, you should be in hell. You were granted penance, the Powers are merciful. This treatment is too good for the likes of you.}
Spike prayed. "Dear God, punish me for what I've done. I should never be happy, I welcome the pain. I ask for penance. I'm an animal, a base thing." Moisture slipped unbidden from his cool blue eyes. Rocking back and forth Spike tore the skin of his arms with his fingernails to ease the cacophony in his head.
--Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away --
"Every torture I ever inflicted, I should receive. Golden hair. Cruel eyes. She is my torment, she is part of my penance. So beautiful, so ugly. Her eyes. Her hands. I touched her, an angel. I am a blasphemer. Angels should never be touched by vermin. No, no. Innocent, simple, human fingers. I don't have those."
He stared at his palms, then at his thumbs and each digit. He'd not washed them. The black and brown of dust, blood, and earth was truer than the white underneath. But he supposed he would need to clean up in the boys lavatory. It wouldn't do to disgust the Scoobies by being unclean on the outside as well as the inside.
--Another nightmare about to come true
Will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
Will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening
Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray--
Funny, Spike had been so bitter when he lost Dru. So angry and hurt when rejected by Buffy. The soul and the voices gave him the clarity of the insane. Those losses were divine punishment. His evil might have raged on if it were not for all the obstacles he had faced. The nightmare of life was sweet in comparison to what lay ahead in the netherworld, his ultimate destination, as soon as he had outlived his usefulness. He wondered if he would prefer the fire over the cold of this world. Experimentally he placed his palm over the flame of his candle. He kept it there, absorbing the burn.
--Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away
Return to me
Leave me no one
Turn to me
Return to me
Cast aside
You've made me turn away --
The demon pushed down the soul, gathering strength from the self-inflicted pain. The old Spike surfaced.
"Yeah God. I haven't suffered enough, please make it worse. Pour acid in my wounds, watch it eat me away. Buffy would love that. Take everything I've ever known and loved away from me. It only forces me to be the evil bastard I am. If you can't have love, then life is meaningless. My bite was removed, so now I can't even take it out on others. I think I've just about lost everything I can lose. The soul is even beginning to lose faith in You. So hit us with whatever You've got. I talk to myself, I live in a basement amongst the rats and junk, I have no dignity. All of have left is the bloody Slayerettes, and even they hate me. My life is theirs now, I give up, I'll do what I'm told. I know my destiny, nothing matters but clearing my name in the eyes of those humans."
The voices hit Spike full force, weakening the demon and bringing out the sobbing and whimpering of William's soul.
"Yes I know I'm a bad boy. I hurt people. I murdered. I ruined lives. I accept my fate."
Spike wrapped himself in his blanket, curling up into himself, making the smallest possible target. He drifted off into unconsciousness, hiding from the world and the pain in dreamless sleep.
--Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive, inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away --