Parley and Truce – Sabrina's next entry
I'm such a screw-up. I've come out of my self-imposed protective shell only to discover I can't handle the rough and tumble of getting along with even a select few people. Janine is certain I treacherously betrayed her trust, and Jessie has fallen into a foul snappish mood. Even Koga informed me on the visiphone this evening that if I had my wits about me I could have seen this coming. I think he's angry with me too, and who could blame him? After all hadn't he warned me to avoid this trip?
As upset as I am, I mustn't cry. Such an emotional outburst would be useless. Goodness knows I've been more emotional since I became friends with Jessie and fell in love with Koga, but with my powers I cannot allow my feelings free rein. Every sad person around me emanates her or his emotions and I can detect those emotions. In spite of all the happy feelings in a crowd it is the sadness I sense most keenly. I am constantly fending off the dull aching pain surrounding me. Being among people exhausts me, but I must admit it's also fascinating in a rather repellent way.
Janine's utterly horrified expression upon seeing Jessie at my side should not have surprised me – but it did. Perhaps I have come to rely on Jessie's bluster too much but the thought of having her on this voyage was attractive given how hard it is for me to get along in human society. I had not reckoned on a teenager's fine-tuned sense of honour and Janine's short temper. It's obvious now that Janine sincerely wished to get to know me better and wanted no interference. That the interference was Jessie merely made things worse. They are too similar, Jessie and Janine, both are social outcasts, short-tempered, have missing or distant parents, they even share a love of poison Pokémon.
At least Janine came by briefly to proffer an olive branch. She knocked softly on my cabin door. I dimly noticed the intrusion on my thoughts and looked up and she rapped quietly a second time. "Who is it?" I said wearily.
"Um…Janine, can we talk?"
"I suppose so, the door is open," I replied.
She slipped into the room and quietly sat on the chair opposite me clutching her knees and staring at the floor. I regarded her with a calm face, but there was turmoil beneath the unruffled surface. She looked into my eyes with her own sharp dark brown eyes and attempted to match my stare. She finally looked away again sighing and we remained silent, each waiting for the other to break the stillness.
After about a minute or so she sighed again, glanced at me and said, "Look, I'm sorry for blowing up like that, but…you said 'just us two' and I really don't like that…woman. She always yells at me and I swear she's gonna hit me sometime."
"I am sorry too, for not giving you some kind of advance warning. However, I must repeat Jessie is the first female friend I ever had. We're different in temperment but deep down we're similar – shunned by polite society, antisocial to the point of criminality for much of our youths, we both felt unloved and unlovable for years. I am not as extroverted as her, nor as openly defiant, I appear slow to anger, and I detest physical violence, but we understand each other. Jessie is not an evil person just a bitter abused soul."
Janine kept her eyes averted and let this sink in. She turned to me, "So why did you bring her along? It's because you don't trust me…right?"
"It's not me who distrusts you, it's Jessie. You have always been honest with me, even when you thought ill of me, and you have a kind heart under that guarded exterior. I hadn't the strength to turn down my precious friend when she showed such concern for me. Besides, I am not sure I could have taken full responsibility for this trip even with a capable youngster like you as company. I am still anxious away from my gym among "normal" people. Jessie is my ice breaker, insurance against my naiveté and shyness."
Janine sighed yet again and looked sharply at me, "Not much consolation for me is it?" She looked out of the porthole at the water churning by and turned back to me, "What am I supposed to do? Avoid her by ducking out of sight when she's around?"
"Try talking with her. You have more in common with her than you think."
"How?" Janine said plaintively.
It was my turn to sigh, "I don't know, talk about poison Pokémon, she treasures her arbok, or talk about Pokémon Tech."
"What could that petty thief know about Tech?"
"Ask her," I answered, "Jess is a human being, and if you treat her with respect she can be very sweet."
Okay, but no promises," Janine muttered.
"I expected none," and she turned to leave, "You know, I really do like and admire you. You are so very sharp, funny, and strong-willed, but it hurts when you go dark and turn your knife on others and yourself," I added.
She froze and looked blankly at me, but her eyes betrayed wistfulness. "Right'" she said.