Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.
(A: My first attempt at humor. Major out-of-characterness. Please read and review.)
(ANCIENT ENGLAND: William Shakespear sits in his office suffering from writers block. (A: As I so often do.) He is staring at his half finished Romeo and Juliet piece. Suddenly a hand holding an immense club reaches from the shadows and knocks him unconscious. Interestingly enough the shadow is only a few centimeters thick. Judging from the size of the club, it seems the rules of reality have temporarily been suspended. Two more hands reach out of the shadows and pull Shakespear in. Shakespear awakens in a seemingly endless theatre.)
Shakespear- I know I was drinking... but this is simply ridiculous!
Voice from Offstage- I know, it is, isn't it.
Shakespear- (dazed) Who the h*** said that?
Author- (Walking out) I did.
Shakespear takes in her 20th century clothes and modern day accent.
Shakespear- I must be suffering from hallucinations again. Or wait... Am I in the 20th century again?
Author- Again? When did you ever come to the 20th century before?
Shakespear- A while back I was transported here to take part in the play "The Jerry Springer Show"
(Author does a Homer Simpson impression, smacking her forehead and yelling "Douh!")
Shakespear- (visibly brightening) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time did that a lot too.
Author-(mumbling) I can see why. (suddenly narrows eyes) Are you calling me an idiot?
Shakespear- Not exactly.
Author-(shakes her head in disgust) Anyway, I brought you here today to be the director in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version"
Shakespear- Well you see, I haven't exactly finished Romeo and Juliet yet, soooo...
Author-(interrupting) But my history books show that you finish an hour after I snatched you.
(Shakespear mumbles something about faulty record keeping and how he always finishes his books in a drunken stupor. Author does another impression of Homer Simpson.)
Shakespear-(visibly brightens) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time -
Author- (interrupting) I know, I know. (to herself) This is going to be a very loooong day.
(Author shows Shakespear a complete script of Romeo and Juliet. Shakespear quickly reads the play.)
Shakespear- What is this? This is trash! Are you saying that I actually wrote this?
Author- What do you mean trash? This is your greatest work of all time!
Shakespear- Actually I consider my play "Stories from the Toilet " to be my greatest work.
Author-(disgusted) I don't think it got past the publisher.
Shakespear- Lets get to the point. How do you expect me to direct this play if there are no characters?
Author- (smiling evilly) Oh, I can arrange that.
(Author claps hands twice. Forgotten Realms characters are brought out in chains.)
Bruenor- What's going on here? Why have you brought us here?
Author- I have brought you here today to act in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version".
Drizzt- Why did you bring Guen here? She's just a cat. She can't talk.
Guen- (in an english accent) I beg to differ.
(Everyone stares at Guen dumbfoundedly. Author looks smug.)
Author- Anyway, since none of you have any idea what Romeo and Juliet is, its a love tragedy between Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet. I want Artemis Entreri as Romeo and Catti-brie as Juliet.
Entreri- What!!! (glares at Author with patented Death Glare (all right reserved)) I am going to have to kill you.
Author- Relax, assassin guy. You get to kill Drizzt.
Entreri- Really?
(Entreri grins evilly at Drizzt. Drizzt is still staring at Guenhwyar. Entreri pokes Drizzt.)
Drizzt- What do you want?
Entreri- Did you hear what the Author said?
Drizzt- No.
Author- I want you to play Tybalt, which means Entreri gets to kill you.
Drizzt- I would just like to let you know that I am Entreri's superior in battle.
Catti-brie- I feel that Drizzt is more qualified to play Romeo.
Author- Because he is the better fighter or because you like him?
Catti-brie- Um... No comment.
Author- Since I knew some of you would have objections, I brought my own security crew.
(Errtu steps on to the stage. Wulfgar faints.)
Author- I would like you to note that you are all weaponless, while Errtu is carrying a little something called a lightning whip.
Drizzt- Kill him Guen!
Guen- (to Author) Magic doesn't work here right?
Author- Right, Drizzt can't force you to do this.
Guen- (to Drizzt) I'm a pacifist, do your own fighting for once.
(Everyone stared dumbfoundedly at Guen. Author looks smug.)
Drizzt- Your a pacifist ?!
Guen- Yes, not that you ever bothered to ask.
Author- Don't worry Guen, I'll make sure Drizzt doesn't bully you around.
Entreri- I always knew you where a bully Drizzt.
Drizzt- Why, because I beat you so often?
Author- (pretend shock) You hurt Entreri, Drizzt? Oh, I'm so disappointed in you. Errtu? What do you have to say?
(Errtu smiles evilly, hefts his lightning whip, and start advancing menacingly on Drizzt. Drizzt looks scared. Author stops Errtu with an upraised hand.)
Errtu- (to Author) But you said I could attempt to kill Drizzt!
Author- I said you could do that AFTER the play.
Drizzt- (to Errtu) Notice the word attempt. You could never beat me Errtu.
Errtu- (smiles) I would like to see how well you can fight unarmed.
Guen- (to Drizzt) It seems you're in a no-win situation.
(Everyone stares at Guen.)
Guen- I can talk! Get over it!
Author- Ok, continuing with the parts. Bruenor, as Catti-brie's adopted father, I'm giving you the role of Lord Capulet - Juliet's father. Your wife, Lady Capulet, will be played by...Guen!
(Drizzt makes smart remark about how Guen always sleeps on Bruenor anyway. Author nods at Errtu. Drizzt screams in horror as Errtu advances again. Author stops Errtu. Drizzt looks relieved.)
Author-(comforting Errtu) Later. (To rest of group) Continuing on. Lord Montague will be played by Zaknafein.
Drizzt- Sorry to burst your bubble, but Zaknafein is dead.
Author-(grins evilly) Oh, I don't think so.
(Errtu leaves, then comes back with Zaknafein. Leaves again.)
Drizzt-(enthusiastically) Father! You're alive!
(Errtu comes back, this time with Matron Malice.)
Drizzt-(disappointed) Mother. You're alive.
Zaknafein- Who's the lucky character that Malice gets to play?
Matron Malice- That's Matron Malice to you, male.
Author-(grins evilly) Since we're sticking to facts, Matron Malice will play Lady Montague, your wife.
Zaknafein- Nooooooo!
Matron Malice-This ought to be fun.
(Entreri looks up.)
Entreri- These are my parents?
Drizzt- No, Unfortunately, they're mine.
(Errtu looks hopefully at Author. Author ignores look.)
Author- Continuing on. Wulfgar gets to be Catti-brie's nurse.
Wulfgar- Me? Nurse? (looks at huge muscles) Naahh.
Author- I'm sure you know how effective my security crew is, being that you are old "friends".
(Wulfgar looks at Errtu, shudders.)
Wulfgar-(nearly in tears) Ok! Ok! I'll be the nurse! I'll be the nurse!
Catti-brie-(looks at Wulfgar's hulking form and crinkles nose in disgust.) He's going to be my nurse?
Author- Deal with it.
Wulfgar- But how am I going to be a nurse? I've never been a nurse before!
Author- That's why you get Harkle Harpell as the nurse's aide.
Wulfgar- Lucky me.
Catti-brie- But Harpell knows even less about being a nurse than Wulgar does.
Author-(sarcastically) Oh what a tragedy.
Drizzt- What's a nurse?
(Everyone stares at Drizzt. Entreri takes Drizzt aside and begins to explain what a nurse is to him.)
Zaknafein-(to others) In Menzoberranzan when you're injured, you're dead.
Matron Malice- Needless to say, all the priestesses of Lloth keep a healing spell ready.
Zaknafein- What a pity.
Regis-(interrupting) Who gets to be the prince?
Author- How did you know there was a prince?
Regis- (smugly) Why else would you bring me here?
Author-(ignoring Regis) The prince, and Count Paris, will be played by the Crystal Shard.
Jarlaxle- What?! I destroyed-
Author-(interrupting) Ah yes, Jarlaxle, you get to play the part of Mercutio, the laughing fool.
Jarlaxle- What?!
Entreri- (laughs) Yes, a very fitting role.
Jarlaxle-(glares) Don't forget Entreri, you die at the end.
Entreri- But I'm the main character!
Jarlaxle- It's a tragedy you idiot, the main character is supposed to die.
(The sounds of a fight come from offstage. Moments later Errtu enters carrying a dazed Shakespear.)
Errtu- I caught him trying to escape
Drizzt-(to himself) I don't blame him.
Shakespear- Don't believe him!
Zaknafein- To late, she already does.
Author- Ah yes, here is your director.
Everyone- Director? Him?
Wulfgar- From the looks of him, he's drunk more liquor than Bruenor and I put together.
Bruenor- You don't drink anymore.
Wulfgar- There's that.
Entreri- (losing what little patience he possessed.) Ok, just get on with it! Who are the other characters?
Catti-brie-(looking at other characters) Ok, we've still got Regis, Delly, and Lady Alustriel.
Author- You forgot Colson. She will play Benvolio.
Delly- (clutching baby) What?! How do you expect a baby to play a role?
Author- Since I'm all powerful, I've made it so Colson can talk.
(Everyone looks expectantly at Colson. Colson gurgles and makes assorted baby noises. Author sighs and nods at Errtu. Errtu tears baby from Delly's hands, holding her roughly.)
Colson- Get your _$#%ing hands off of me, you %$#@^&!
Zaknafein- Who did she learn all those drow curse words from?
Delly- Well, the only drow she's ever come into contact with...
(Everyone turns to look at Drizzt. Drizzt smiles innocently, turns around, and begins to run. Errtu catches Drizzt before he can escape.)
Errtu-(to Delly) I'll hold him down. Would you like to borrow my lightning whip?
Delly- With pleasure.
Author-(ignoring screams of pain in the background) Anyway, Lady Alustriel, you will play the Friars.
Lady Alustriel- I'm a priest?
Author- Look at the bright side. You get to be kind, wise, well meaning, and-
Regis-(interrupting) -male.
Author-(glaring) Well at least she's not a servant like you.
Regis- What?! I have to play a servant? What happened to the prince idea?
Lady Alustriel- Fitting.
Author- Delly? Could you stop whipping Drizzt, and come over here so I can assign your role?
(Delly reluctantly obeys.)
Author- You will be joining Regis as a servant.
Delly-(horrified) Why do I have to be a servant?
Author- I decided that your experience as a barmaid was in favor of that option.
Delly- But who will take care of Colson?
(Everyone looks at Colson who is still muttering drow curse words.)
Matron Malice- Because of her language problems, I see myself as the only one capable of caring for her.
Author- Ok, you have the job.
Delly- Nooooooooo!
Matron Malice- Look at the bright side. At least we'll have an experienced priestess of Lloth by the time I'm done.
Colson- Cool! Will you teach me how to whip males?
Matron Malice- Of course! We can start with my son, Drizzt.
Errtu- Do you want to borrow my lightning whip?
Matron Malice-(pulling out snake whip) No thank you. I have a whip of my own.
Drizzt-(groaning) This promises to be a very long-
Colson-(interrupting) Shut up, you _$#%ing male!
Matron Malice- That's my girl!
Delly-(to Wulfgar) How will she ever get a husband at this rate?
Zaknafein- Most likely she'll whip someone into submission.
Matron Malice- (smiles at Zak) You've learned your lesson well.
Catti-brie- (to Matron Malice) Can I learn to use a snake whip?
Matron Malice- You're engaged to my son, correct?
Catti-brie-(blushing) Sort of.
Matron Malice-(brightly) Sure! Our first lesson will be on how to inflict maximum pain.
Drizzt- Oh _$#%.
Author- Can we get on with this?
Drizzt- Please.
Author- One more thing before I leave you to the females. Play practice will begin as soon as I find the time to write the next chapter.
Shakespear- Get drunk. That always helps.
(Author walks away in disgust.)
(A: As I don't have a copy of Romeo and Juliet at the time, it may be awhile before I post the next chapter. Please ignore all spelling and character mistakes. PLEASE REVIEW.)
(A: My first attempt at humor. Major out-of-characterness. Please read and review.)
(ANCIENT ENGLAND: William Shakespear sits in his office suffering from writers block. (A: As I so often do.) He is staring at his half finished Romeo and Juliet piece. Suddenly a hand holding an immense club reaches from the shadows and knocks him unconscious. Interestingly enough the shadow is only a few centimeters thick. Judging from the size of the club, it seems the rules of reality have temporarily been suspended. Two more hands reach out of the shadows and pull Shakespear in. Shakespear awakens in a seemingly endless theatre.)
Shakespear- I know I was drinking... but this is simply ridiculous!
Voice from Offstage- I know, it is, isn't it.
Shakespear- (dazed) Who the h*** said that?
Author- (Walking out) I did.
Shakespear takes in her 20th century clothes and modern day accent.
Shakespear- I must be suffering from hallucinations again. Or wait... Am I in the 20th century again?
Author- Again? When did you ever come to the 20th century before?
Shakespear- A while back I was transported here to take part in the play "The Jerry Springer Show"
(Author does a Homer Simpson impression, smacking her forehead and yelling "Douh!")
Shakespear- (visibly brightening) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time did that a lot too.
Author-(mumbling) I can see why. (suddenly narrows eyes) Are you calling me an idiot?
Shakespear- Not exactly.
Author-(shakes her head in disgust) Anyway, I brought you here today to be the director in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version"
Shakespear- Well you see, I haven't exactly finished Romeo and Juliet yet, soooo...
Author-(interrupting) But my history books show that you finish an hour after I snatched you.
(Shakespear mumbles something about faulty record keeping and how he always finishes his books in a drunken stupor. Author does another impression of Homer Simpson.)
Shakespear-(visibly brightens) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time -
Author- (interrupting) I know, I know. (to herself) This is going to be a very loooong day.
(Author shows Shakespear a complete script of Romeo and Juliet. Shakespear quickly reads the play.)
Shakespear- What is this? This is trash! Are you saying that I actually wrote this?
Author- What do you mean trash? This is your greatest work of all time!
Shakespear- Actually I consider my play "Stories from the Toilet " to be my greatest work.
Author-(disgusted) I don't think it got past the publisher.
Shakespear- Lets get to the point. How do you expect me to direct this play if there are no characters?
Author- (smiling evilly) Oh, I can arrange that.
(Author claps hands twice. Forgotten Realms characters are brought out in chains.)
Bruenor- What's going on here? Why have you brought us here?
Author- I have brought you here today to act in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version".
Drizzt- Why did you bring Guen here? She's just a cat. She can't talk.
Guen- (in an english accent) I beg to differ.
(Everyone stares at Guen dumbfoundedly. Author looks smug.)
Author- Anyway, since none of you have any idea what Romeo and Juliet is, its a love tragedy between Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet. I want Artemis Entreri as Romeo and Catti-brie as Juliet.
Entreri- What!!! (glares at Author with patented Death Glare (all right reserved)) I am going to have to kill you.
Author- Relax, assassin guy. You get to kill Drizzt.
Entreri- Really?
(Entreri grins evilly at Drizzt. Drizzt is still staring at Guenhwyar. Entreri pokes Drizzt.)
Drizzt- What do you want?
Entreri- Did you hear what the Author said?
Drizzt- No.
Author- I want you to play Tybalt, which means Entreri gets to kill you.
Drizzt- I would just like to let you know that I am Entreri's superior in battle.
Catti-brie- I feel that Drizzt is more qualified to play Romeo.
Author- Because he is the better fighter or because you like him?
Catti-brie- Um... No comment.
Author- Since I knew some of you would have objections, I brought my own security crew.
(Errtu steps on to the stage. Wulfgar faints.)
Author- I would like you to note that you are all weaponless, while Errtu is carrying a little something called a lightning whip.
Drizzt- Kill him Guen!
Guen- (to Author) Magic doesn't work here right?
Author- Right, Drizzt can't force you to do this.
Guen- (to Drizzt) I'm a pacifist, do your own fighting for once.
(Everyone stared dumbfoundedly at Guen. Author looks smug.)
Drizzt- Your a pacifist ?!
Guen- Yes, not that you ever bothered to ask.
Author- Don't worry Guen, I'll make sure Drizzt doesn't bully you around.
Entreri- I always knew you where a bully Drizzt.
Drizzt- Why, because I beat you so often?
Author- (pretend shock) You hurt Entreri, Drizzt? Oh, I'm so disappointed in you. Errtu? What do you have to say?
(Errtu smiles evilly, hefts his lightning whip, and start advancing menacingly on Drizzt. Drizzt looks scared. Author stops Errtu with an upraised hand.)
Errtu- (to Author) But you said I could attempt to kill Drizzt!
Author- I said you could do that AFTER the play.
Drizzt- (to Errtu) Notice the word attempt. You could never beat me Errtu.
Errtu- (smiles) I would like to see how well you can fight unarmed.
Guen- (to Drizzt) It seems you're in a no-win situation.
(Everyone stares at Guen.)
Guen- I can talk! Get over it!
Author- Ok, continuing with the parts. Bruenor, as Catti-brie's adopted father, I'm giving you the role of Lord Capulet - Juliet's father. Your wife, Lady Capulet, will be played by...Guen!
(Drizzt makes smart remark about how Guen always sleeps on Bruenor anyway. Author nods at Errtu. Drizzt screams in horror as Errtu advances again. Author stops Errtu. Drizzt looks relieved.)
Author-(comforting Errtu) Later. (To rest of group) Continuing on. Lord Montague will be played by Zaknafein.
Drizzt- Sorry to burst your bubble, but Zaknafein is dead.
Author-(grins evilly) Oh, I don't think so.
(Errtu leaves, then comes back with Zaknafein. Leaves again.)
Drizzt-(enthusiastically) Father! You're alive!
(Errtu comes back, this time with Matron Malice.)
Drizzt-(disappointed) Mother. You're alive.
Zaknafein- Who's the lucky character that Malice gets to play?
Matron Malice- That's Matron Malice to you, male.
Author-(grins evilly) Since we're sticking to facts, Matron Malice will play Lady Montague, your wife.
Zaknafein- Nooooooo!
Matron Malice-This ought to be fun.
(Entreri looks up.)
Entreri- These are my parents?
Drizzt- No, Unfortunately, they're mine.
(Errtu looks hopefully at Author. Author ignores look.)
Author- Continuing on. Wulfgar gets to be Catti-brie's nurse.
Wulfgar- Me? Nurse? (looks at huge muscles) Naahh.
Author- I'm sure you know how effective my security crew is, being that you are old "friends".
(Wulfgar looks at Errtu, shudders.)
Wulfgar-(nearly in tears) Ok! Ok! I'll be the nurse! I'll be the nurse!
Catti-brie-(looks at Wulfgar's hulking form and crinkles nose in disgust.) He's going to be my nurse?
Author- Deal with it.
Wulfgar- But how am I going to be a nurse? I've never been a nurse before!
Author- That's why you get Harkle Harpell as the nurse's aide.
Wulfgar- Lucky me.
Catti-brie- But Harpell knows even less about being a nurse than Wulgar does.
Author-(sarcastically) Oh what a tragedy.
Drizzt- What's a nurse?
(Everyone stares at Drizzt. Entreri takes Drizzt aside and begins to explain what a nurse is to him.)
Zaknafein-(to others) In Menzoberranzan when you're injured, you're dead.
Matron Malice- Needless to say, all the priestesses of Lloth keep a healing spell ready.
Zaknafein- What a pity.
Regis-(interrupting) Who gets to be the prince?
Author- How did you know there was a prince?
Regis- (smugly) Why else would you bring me here?
Author-(ignoring Regis) The prince, and Count Paris, will be played by the Crystal Shard.
Jarlaxle- What?! I destroyed-
Author-(interrupting) Ah yes, Jarlaxle, you get to play the part of Mercutio, the laughing fool.
Jarlaxle- What?!
Entreri- (laughs) Yes, a very fitting role.
Jarlaxle-(glares) Don't forget Entreri, you die at the end.
Entreri- But I'm the main character!
Jarlaxle- It's a tragedy you idiot, the main character is supposed to die.
(The sounds of a fight come from offstage. Moments later Errtu enters carrying a dazed Shakespear.)
Errtu- I caught him trying to escape
Drizzt-(to himself) I don't blame him.
Shakespear- Don't believe him!
Zaknafein- To late, she already does.
Author- Ah yes, here is your director.
Everyone- Director? Him?
Wulfgar- From the looks of him, he's drunk more liquor than Bruenor and I put together.
Bruenor- You don't drink anymore.
Wulfgar- There's that.
Entreri- (losing what little patience he possessed.) Ok, just get on with it! Who are the other characters?
Catti-brie-(looking at other characters) Ok, we've still got Regis, Delly, and Lady Alustriel.
Author- You forgot Colson. She will play Benvolio.
Delly- (clutching baby) What?! How do you expect a baby to play a role?
Author- Since I'm all powerful, I've made it so Colson can talk.
(Everyone looks expectantly at Colson. Colson gurgles and makes assorted baby noises. Author sighs and nods at Errtu. Errtu tears baby from Delly's hands, holding her roughly.)
Colson- Get your _$#%ing hands off of me, you %$#@^&!
Zaknafein- Who did she learn all those drow curse words from?
Delly- Well, the only drow she's ever come into contact with...
(Everyone turns to look at Drizzt. Drizzt smiles innocently, turns around, and begins to run. Errtu catches Drizzt before he can escape.)
Errtu-(to Delly) I'll hold him down. Would you like to borrow my lightning whip?
Delly- With pleasure.
Author-(ignoring screams of pain in the background) Anyway, Lady Alustriel, you will play the Friars.
Lady Alustriel- I'm a priest?
Author- Look at the bright side. You get to be kind, wise, well meaning, and-
Regis-(interrupting) -male.
Author-(glaring) Well at least she's not a servant like you.
Regis- What?! I have to play a servant? What happened to the prince idea?
Lady Alustriel- Fitting.
Author- Delly? Could you stop whipping Drizzt, and come over here so I can assign your role?
(Delly reluctantly obeys.)
Author- You will be joining Regis as a servant.
Delly-(horrified) Why do I have to be a servant?
Author- I decided that your experience as a barmaid was in favor of that option.
Delly- But who will take care of Colson?
(Everyone looks at Colson who is still muttering drow curse words.)
Matron Malice- Because of her language problems, I see myself as the only one capable of caring for her.
Author- Ok, you have the job.
Delly- Nooooooooo!
Matron Malice- Look at the bright side. At least we'll have an experienced priestess of Lloth by the time I'm done.
Colson- Cool! Will you teach me how to whip males?
Matron Malice- Of course! We can start with my son, Drizzt.
Errtu- Do you want to borrow my lightning whip?
Matron Malice-(pulling out snake whip) No thank you. I have a whip of my own.
Drizzt-(groaning) This promises to be a very long-
Colson-(interrupting) Shut up, you _$#%ing male!
Matron Malice- That's my girl!
Delly-(to Wulfgar) How will she ever get a husband at this rate?
Zaknafein- Most likely she'll whip someone into submission.
Matron Malice- (smiles at Zak) You've learned your lesson well.
Catti-brie- (to Matron Malice) Can I learn to use a snake whip?
Matron Malice- You're engaged to my son, correct?
Catti-brie-(blushing) Sort of.
Matron Malice-(brightly) Sure! Our first lesson will be on how to inflict maximum pain.
Drizzt- Oh _$#%.
Author- Can we get on with this?
Drizzt- Please.
Author- One more thing before I leave you to the females. Play practice will begin as soon as I find the time to write the next chapter.
Shakespear- Get drunk. That always helps.
(Author walks away in disgust.)
(A: As I don't have a copy of Romeo and Juliet at the time, it may be awhile before I post the next chapter. Please ignore all spelling and character mistakes. PLEASE REVIEW.)