Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.
(A: Sorry it took me so long to update. My family was on vacation. Please review. A thousand thanks to those who reviewed all ready!)
CHARACTERS
Author=Author
William Shakespear=Director
Artemis Entreri=Romeo
Catti-brie=Juliet
Drizzt Do'Urden=Tybalt
Bruenor Battlehammer=Lord Capulet
Guenhwyvar=Lady Capulet
Zaknafein=Lord Montague
Matron Malice=Lady Montague
Jarlaxle=Benvolio
Colson=Mercutio
Crystal Shard=The Prince and Count Paris
Wulfgar=Nurse
Harkell Harpell=Nurse's Aide (aka Peter)
Regis and Delly=The Servants
Lady Alustriel=The Friars
(Shakespear is passed out drunk surrounded by at least 50 empty whiskey bottles. Catti-brie is whipping Drizzt with Errtu's lightning whip as Matron Malice and Colson egg her on. The rest of the cast is watching the peculiar "bonding experience". Zaknafein has been cornered by several female fans who have somehow managed to find their way into the alternate dimension. Author enters.)
Author- I'm back!
Cast- Nooo!
Drizzt- Finally!
Author- Errtu, wake up the drunk. Catti-brie, stop whipping your fiancee. Assorted fans, get out of here. Zaknafein is mine!
Jarlaxle- I thought you liked me better!
Author- Only at night.
Matron Malice- You people sicken me.
Author- On with the show. Has everyone received their scripts?
Colson- Yes. (pauses) 100 lashes to every male that makes a mistake.
Guen- Why can't we just get along?
(Everyone stares at Guen for a moment, then starts cracking up.)
Author- Ok! That's enough, let's start. Since only Regis and Delly are servants, and the first scene calls for four servants, where cutting straight to the fight scene.
Delly- Fighting is wrong.
Wulfgar-Huh?
Delly- Wulfgar, when we get out of here, you will become a lawyer.
Wulfgar-What lawyer?
Colson- He has lots of potential, doesn't he?
Delly-(continuing) And Colson, you shall become a doctor and help people.
Colson- No.
Delly- Don't you talk back to me young lady.
Matron Malice- She has a point. You don't talk back to a matron mother. It took me two years to beat it out of Briza.
Colson- Shutting up now.
Author- Ok, let's go. Delly, you start fighting Regis.
Delly- On second thought, maybe this fighting stuff is worth is after all.
(Delly starts slowly at Regis, holding a butcher's knife. Regis takes out his ruby.)
Regis- Look at the pretty gem.
Guen- Magic doesn't work here, remember?
Regis- Oh. . .
Author- Now Jarlaxle, you break up the fight.
(Jarlaxle starts laughing, then stops abruptly.)
Jarlaxle-(slowly) Your . . . serious? Uh . . . I've never broken up a fight before, how does it work?
Author- Ask Guen.
(Guen breaks up fight.)
Author- Ok, now Drizzt, you attack Jarlaxle.
Drizzt- Yes! Finally, some stress relief!
Matron Malice- I always thought whipping people relieved stress.
Drizzt- Why don't you whip the drunk?
(Matron Malice starts toward Shakespear who is still passed out.)
Author- Errtu? I thought I told you to wake him up.
Errtu- Tryed multiple times. Had to resurrect him twice.
Author- Ok then, Matron Malice can try to whip Shakespear into shape.
(A blood curdling scream resounds through the theatre.)
Author- Uh, Drizzt? What are you doing to Jarlaxle?
Drizzt- Guess.
Author- Ok then. I guess it's about time for the prince to break up the fight. Where's the prince?
Regis- Here I am.
Author- (ignores Regis) Ah, here it is.
(Author pulls Crystal Shard out of Entreri's pocket. Jarlaxle lifts his head off the floor.)
Jarlaxle- But you told me you destroyed it!
Entreri-(calmly) I lied.
Crystal Shard- Do I really have to break up the fight?
Author- Yes.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them kill each other?
Author- No.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them hurt each other?
Author- No.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just-
Author- (interrupting) Just break up the fight already!
Crystal Shard- (sulkily) All right, all right.
(Crystal Shard blasts Jarlaxle)
Author- Uh, Crystal Shard? Drizzt was the one winning.
Crystal Shard- But Jarlaxle tried to destroy me.
Author- So did Drizzt.
(Crystal Shard thinks for a moment, then blasts Drizzt. Errtu walks over and drags them away. He deposits them by a still unconscious Shakespear. Matron Malice looks very frustrated.)
Drizzt-(curious) I thought you said whipping people was relaxing?
Matron Malice- Only when the people are conscious.
(Matron Malice smiles suddenly and looks at Drizzt with death in her eyes. Drizzt hurriedly faints.)
Catti-brie- He can faint at will?
Matron Malice- Oh well, there's always Jarlaxle.
Jaraxle- (to Drizzt) Your going to have to teach me that trick.
Crystal Shard - I'll save you!
(Crystal Shard painfully blasts Jarlaxle into unconsciousness.)
Author - I doubt that's the kind of saving he wanted.
Crystal Shard- Oh well, now to get back to Drizzt.
(Crystal Shard blasts Drizzt back into consciousness.)
Drizzt- (glares) Your going to pay for that.
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt)
Author- Enough! Let's continue with the play.
Cast- No!
Drizzt- Yes!
Jarlaxle-Zzzz!
Entreri-(bored) Do I get to kill Drizzt yet?
Author- No, you don't kill Drizzt until Act 3.
Entreri- Hurry up then!
Author- Ok, before the fight's officially over, Lord Montague and Lord Capulet have their say. Zaknafein? Bruenor? You have to pretend to want to join the fight.
Zaknafein- (looking at Crystal Shard) Not likely.
Bruenor- What fight?
Author- Matron Malice? Guen? You have to convince your husbands not to fight.
Matron Malice- Get out of my way, Zaknafein! I want to kill them!
Zaknafein- Now dear, maybe that's not the best thing. . .
Guen- (to Bruenor) You join that fight and I use you as my pillow.
Bruenor- (confused) I still don't know what your talking about.
(Matron Malice finally pushes Zaknafein aside.)
Guen- I can't watch.
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt and Jarlaxle.)
Drizzt- No!
Jarlaxle-Zzzzzz!
Catti-brie- Does he always comment in his sleep like that?
Author- Errtu? Kindly wake up Jarlaxle.
(Errtu wakes up Jarlaxle.)
Author- Drizzt? Jarlaxle? Please start fighting so that the Crystal Shard can break you up before Matron Malice joins.
(Drizzt and Jarlaxle hurriedly start fighting as Matron Malice runs toward them waving her snake whip and yelling a war cry.)
Crystal Shard- To blast, or not to blast? That is the question.
Shakespear- (wakes up) Hey, that's my line! (passes out again)
Errtu- *&^%$! Almost got him!
Author- If we have to quote him to wake him up, then I think I like him better unconscious.
Errtu- And you haven't even read his Toilet book yet.
Author- I don't think it got past the publisher.
Errtu- It did in the Abyss! It is the most powerful torture known in the Abyss to force someone to read it. (shudders)
Author- (interested) Really?
Errtu- (shudders again) Several demons committed suicide after reading it. I haven't even obtained permission to use it on Wulfgar. (pauses) Yet.
Wulfgar- Huh?
(Author is about to speak but is interrupted by several loud screams. It seems Matron Malice has finally caught up with Jarlaxle and Drizzt after chasing them several times around the theatre. Crystal Shard sits in the center and laughs maniacally.)
Author-(annoyed) If you don't stop fooling around I'll get Lloth herself to whip you all.
Matron Malice- Really? I'd be interested in seeing that.
Author- How about getting it done to you?
Matron Malice- Uh, maybe not.
(Matron Malice hides completely behind Regis, which is quite a feat.)
Regis- I still say I should be the prince.
Author- Shut up. Now on with the play. Crystal Shard? You warn everyone that if you hear one more fight you'll kill everyone.
Crystal Shard- Fight you people! Fight!
Author- Um, let's skip that part. The next scene is where Lord Montague speaks with his wife and Benvolio about Romeo.
Jarlaxle- But I don't want to talk about Entreri! I want to talk about me!
Matron Malice- You're so spoiled! This must be whipped out of you.
Jarlaxle-(thinks fast) What about Drizzt? He ran away from home and still hasn't come back, and he got you killed!
Matron Malice- I've taken care of that. Mielikki has agreed to release his soul to Lloth for eternal torment in exchange for a high elf ranger's soul.
Drizzt- Mielikki agreed to that?
Mielikki- Of course! It was between you or a high elf!
Drizzt- By any chance, is that high elf named Aragon?
Mielikki- Yes.
Drizzt- Figures.
Author- (to Mielikki) Who let you in?
Mielikki- (smugly) I'm an all powerful goddess. I don't need to be let in.
Author- In other words you came in the same way the fans did.
Mielikki-(glumly) Yes, you could say that.
Author- (to Errtu) By the way, how did the fans get in?
Errtu- Through the hole in the wall.
Author- Why is their a hole in the wall?
Errtu- Shakespear made it when he was searching for more alcohol.
Author- More?
Errtu- He finished all the alcohol in the kitchen.
Author- There was alcohol in the kitchen? Who put alcohol there?
Bruenor- (guiltily) What alcohol?
Delly- There's a kitchen?
Lady Alustriel- Down the hall to the left. It's right next to the bathroom.
Regis- There's a bathroom?
Lady Alustriel- (suspiciously) Yes, where were you going?
Regis- (blushing) Uh, I went in . . .
Bruenor- (laughing) Trust Rumblebelly not to know!
Regis- . . . Bruenor's helmet.
(Bruenor stops laughing abruptly then throws off his helmet)
Catti-brie- (looks at Bruenor's hair) Can't tell the difference.
(Bruenor ignores her and goes after Regis with his battle-ax.)
Author- Who gave everyone back their weapons?
Errtu- I did. Matron Malice wanted some diversity in her torture.
Matron Malice- How do you expect me to educate my pupils if there's no diversity?
(Colson and Catti-brie look respectfully up at Matron Malice with awe in their eyes.)
Author- I won't ask. (to Bruenor) Go clean up in the, um, bathroom and then we'll continue on with the play.
(Bruenor walks up to Matron Malice, holding a large bag of gold.)
Bruenor- Kill Regis while I'm gone.
Matron Malice- (smiles) Students? We are about to have another lesson.
(Bruenor leaves. Regis starts running.)
Guen- Why does this always have to end in fighting?
Wulfgar- Because fighting's fun.
Delly- Lawyer!
(Wulfgar shudders, pauses, then turns to Delly.)
Wulfgar- What's a lawyer?
(Bruenor returns in time to hear the question.)
Bruenor- _&^#* $%%@(*& #@**!% Lawyers!!!
Catti-brie- What do you have against lawyers?
Bruenor- I had to pay half of Mithral Hall's gold to the duegar dwarves after they sued me!
Catti-brie- They sued you?
Bruenor- Yes, for assault.
Drizzt- (interested) You can do that?
Matron Malice- Yes, but you can't.
Drizzt- _&^%$@
(Colson finishes with Regis then turns to Author.)
Colson- Are we going to continue this or not?
Author- No, that's enough for today. Besides, I have a headache. Errtu? Shakespear is to have no more alcohol.
Errtu- I don't think that's possible.
Author- Make him read his Toilet book.
Errtu- Is that legal?
Author- Who cares? Anyway, I'll write the next chapter after Errtu finishes repairing the wall and when Shakespear wakes up.
(A: Will Shakespear ever wake up? Review!)
(A: Sorry it took me so long to update. My family was on vacation. Please review. A thousand thanks to those who reviewed all ready!)
CHARACTERS
Author=Author
William Shakespear=Director
Artemis Entreri=Romeo
Catti-brie=Juliet
Drizzt Do'Urden=Tybalt
Bruenor Battlehammer=Lord Capulet
Guenhwyvar=Lady Capulet
Zaknafein=Lord Montague
Matron Malice=Lady Montague
Jarlaxle=Benvolio
Colson=Mercutio
Crystal Shard=The Prince and Count Paris
Wulfgar=Nurse
Harkell Harpell=Nurse's Aide (aka Peter)
Regis and Delly=The Servants
Lady Alustriel=The Friars
(Shakespear is passed out drunk surrounded by at least 50 empty whiskey bottles. Catti-brie is whipping Drizzt with Errtu's lightning whip as Matron Malice and Colson egg her on. The rest of the cast is watching the peculiar "bonding experience". Zaknafein has been cornered by several female fans who have somehow managed to find their way into the alternate dimension. Author enters.)
Author- I'm back!
Cast- Nooo!
Drizzt- Finally!
Author- Errtu, wake up the drunk. Catti-brie, stop whipping your fiancee. Assorted fans, get out of here. Zaknafein is mine!
Jarlaxle- I thought you liked me better!
Author- Only at night.
Matron Malice- You people sicken me.
Author- On with the show. Has everyone received their scripts?
Colson- Yes. (pauses) 100 lashes to every male that makes a mistake.
Guen- Why can't we just get along?
(Everyone stares at Guen for a moment, then starts cracking up.)
Author- Ok! That's enough, let's start. Since only Regis and Delly are servants, and the first scene calls for four servants, where cutting straight to the fight scene.
Delly- Fighting is wrong.
Wulfgar-Huh?
Delly- Wulfgar, when we get out of here, you will become a lawyer.
Wulfgar-What lawyer?
Colson- He has lots of potential, doesn't he?
Delly-(continuing) And Colson, you shall become a doctor and help people.
Colson- No.
Delly- Don't you talk back to me young lady.
Matron Malice- She has a point. You don't talk back to a matron mother. It took me two years to beat it out of Briza.
Colson- Shutting up now.
Author- Ok, let's go. Delly, you start fighting Regis.
Delly- On second thought, maybe this fighting stuff is worth is after all.
(Delly starts slowly at Regis, holding a butcher's knife. Regis takes out his ruby.)
Regis- Look at the pretty gem.
Guen- Magic doesn't work here, remember?
Regis- Oh. . .
Author- Now Jarlaxle, you break up the fight.
(Jarlaxle starts laughing, then stops abruptly.)
Jarlaxle-(slowly) Your . . . serious? Uh . . . I've never broken up a fight before, how does it work?
Author- Ask Guen.
(Guen breaks up fight.)
Author- Ok, now Drizzt, you attack Jarlaxle.
Drizzt- Yes! Finally, some stress relief!
Matron Malice- I always thought whipping people relieved stress.
Drizzt- Why don't you whip the drunk?
(Matron Malice starts toward Shakespear who is still passed out.)
Author- Errtu? I thought I told you to wake him up.
Errtu- Tryed multiple times. Had to resurrect him twice.
Author- Ok then, Matron Malice can try to whip Shakespear into shape.
(A blood curdling scream resounds through the theatre.)
Author- Uh, Drizzt? What are you doing to Jarlaxle?
Drizzt- Guess.
Author- Ok then. I guess it's about time for the prince to break up the fight. Where's the prince?
Regis- Here I am.
Author- (ignores Regis) Ah, here it is.
(Author pulls Crystal Shard out of Entreri's pocket. Jarlaxle lifts his head off the floor.)
Jarlaxle- But you told me you destroyed it!
Entreri-(calmly) I lied.
Crystal Shard- Do I really have to break up the fight?
Author- Yes.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them kill each other?
Author- No.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them hurt each other?
Author- No.
Crystal Shard- Can't I just-
Author- (interrupting) Just break up the fight already!
Crystal Shard- (sulkily) All right, all right.
(Crystal Shard blasts Jarlaxle)
Author- Uh, Crystal Shard? Drizzt was the one winning.
Crystal Shard- But Jarlaxle tried to destroy me.
Author- So did Drizzt.
(Crystal Shard thinks for a moment, then blasts Drizzt. Errtu walks over and drags them away. He deposits them by a still unconscious Shakespear. Matron Malice looks very frustrated.)
Drizzt-(curious) I thought you said whipping people was relaxing?
Matron Malice- Only when the people are conscious.
(Matron Malice smiles suddenly and looks at Drizzt with death in her eyes. Drizzt hurriedly faints.)
Catti-brie- He can faint at will?
Matron Malice- Oh well, there's always Jarlaxle.
Jaraxle- (to Drizzt) Your going to have to teach me that trick.
Crystal Shard - I'll save you!
(Crystal Shard painfully blasts Jarlaxle into unconsciousness.)
Author - I doubt that's the kind of saving he wanted.
Crystal Shard- Oh well, now to get back to Drizzt.
(Crystal Shard blasts Drizzt back into consciousness.)
Drizzt- (glares) Your going to pay for that.
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt)
Author- Enough! Let's continue with the play.
Cast- No!
Drizzt- Yes!
Jarlaxle-Zzzz!
Entreri-(bored) Do I get to kill Drizzt yet?
Author- No, you don't kill Drizzt until Act 3.
Entreri- Hurry up then!
Author- Ok, before the fight's officially over, Lord Montague and Lord Capulet have their say. Zaknafein? Bruenor? You have to pretend to want to join the fight.
Zaknafein- (looking at Crystal Shard) Not likely.
Bruenor- What fight?
Author- Matron Malice? Guen? You have to convince your husbands not to fight.
Matron Malice- Get out of my way, Zaknafein! I want to kill them!
Zaknafein- Now dear, maybe that's not the best thing. . .
Guen- (to Bruenor) You join that fight and I use you as my pillow.
Bruenor- (confused) I still don't know what your talking about.
(Matron Malice finally pushes Zaknafein aside.)
Guen- I can't watch.
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt and Jarlaxle.)
Drizzt- No!
Jarlaxle-Zzzzzz!
Catti-brie- Does he always comment in his sleep like that?
Author- Errtu? Kindly wake up Jarlaxle.
(Errtu wakes up Jarlaxle.)
Author- Drizzt? Jarlaxle? Please start fighting so that the Crystal Shard can break you up before Matron Malice joins.
(Drizzt and Jarlaxle hurriedly start fighting as Matron Malice runs toward them waving her snake whip and yelling a war cry.)
Crystal Shard- To blast, or not to blast? That is the question.
Shakespear- (wakes up) Hey, that's my line! (passes out again)
Errtu- *&^%$! Almost got him!
Author- If we have to quote him to wake him up, then I think I like him better unconscious.
Errtu- And you haven't even read his Toilet book yet.
Author- I don't think it got past the publisher.
Errtu- It did in the Abyss! It is the most powerful torture known in the Abyss to force someone to read it. (shudders)
Author- (interested) Really?
Errtu- (shudders again) Several demons committed suicide after reading it. I haven't even obtained permission to use it on Wulfgar. (pauses) Yet.
Wulfgar- Huh?
(Author is about to speak but is interrupted by several loud screams. It seems Matron Malice has finally caught up with Jarlaxle and Drizzt after chasing them several times around the theatre. Crystal Shard sits in the center and laughs maniacally.)
Author-(annoyed) If you don't stop fooling around I'll get Lloth herself to whip you all.
Matron Malice- Really? I'd be interested in seeing that.
Author- How about getting it done to you?
Matron Malice- Uh, maybe not.
(Matron Malice hides completely behind Regis, which is quite a feat.)
Regis- I still say I should be the prince.
Author- Shut up. Now on with the play. Crystal Shard? You warn everyone that if you hear one more fight you'll kill everyone.
Crystal Shard- Fight you people! Fight!
Author- Um, let's skip that part. The next scene is where Lord Montague speaks with his wife and Benvolio about Romeo.
Jarlaxle- But I don't want to talk about Entreri! I want to talk about me!
Matron Malice- You're so spoiled! This must be whipped out of you.
Jarlaxle-(thinks fast) What about Drizzt? He ran away from home and still hasn't come back, and he got you killed!
Matron Malice- I've taken care of that. Mielikki has agreed to release his soul to Lloth for eternal torment in exchange for a high elf ranger's soul.
Drizzt- Mielikki agreed to that?
Mielikki- Of course! It was between you or a high elf!
Drizzt- By any chance, is that high elf named Aragon?
Mielikki- Yes.
Drizzt- Figures.
Author- (to Mielikki) Who let you in?
Mielikki- (smugly) I'm an all powerful goddess. I don't need to be let in.
Author- In other words you came in the same way the fans did.
Mielikki-(glumly) Yes, you could say that.
Author- (to Errtu) By the way, how did the fans get in?
Errtu- Through the hole in the wall.
Author- Why is their a hole in the wall?
Errtu- Shakespear made it when he was searching for more alcohol.
Author- More?
Errtu- He finished all the alcohol in the kitchen.
Author- There was alcohol in the kitchen? Who put alcohol there?
Bruenor- (guiltily) What alcohol?
Delly- There's a kitchen?
Lady Alustriel- Down the hall to the left. It's right next to the bathroom.
Regis- There's a bathroom?
Lady Alustriel- (suspiciously) Yes, where were you going?
Regis- (blushing) Uh, I went in . . .
Bruenor- (laughing) Trust Rumblebelly not to know!
Regis- . . . Bruenor's helmet.
(Bruenor stops laughing abruptly then throws off his helmet)
Catti-brie- (looks at Bruenor's hair) Can't tell the difference.
(Bruenor ignores her and goes after Regis with his battle-ax.)
Author- Who gave everyone back their weapons?
Errtu- I did. Matron Malice wanted some diversity in her torture.
Matron Malice- How do you expect me to educate my pupils if there's no diversity?
(Colson and Catti-brie look respectfully up at Matron Malice with awe in their eyes.)
Author- I won't ask. (to Bruenor) Go clean up in the, um, bathroom and then we'll continue on with the play.
(Bruenor walks up to Matron Malice, holding a large bag of gold.)
Bruenor- Kill Regis while I'm gone.
Matron Malice- (smiles) Students? We are about to have another lesson.
(Bruenor leaves. Regis starts running.)
Guen- Why does this always have to end in fighting?
Wulfgar- Because fighting's fun.
Delly- Lawyer!
(Wulfgar shudders, pauses, then turns to Delly.)
Wulfgar- What's a lawyer?
(Bruenor returns in time to hear the question.)
Bruenor- _&^#* $%%@(*& #@**!% Lawyers!!!
Catti-brie- What do you have against lawyers?
Bruenor- I had to pay half of Mithral Hall's gold to the duegar dwarves after they sued me!
Catti-brie- They sued you?
Bruenor- Yes, for assault.
Drizzt- (interested) You can do that?
Matron Malice- Yes, but you can't.
Drizzt- _&^%$@
(Colson finishes with Regis then turns to Author.)
Colson- Are we going to continue this or not?
Author- No, that's enough for today. Besides, I have a headache. Errtu? Shakespear is to have no more alcohol.
Errtu- I don't think that's possible.
Author- Make him read his Toilet book.
Errtu- Is that legal?
Author- Who cares? Anyway, I'll write the next chapter after Errtu finishes repairing the wall and when Shakespear wakes up.
(A: Will Shakespear ever wake up? Review!)