Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.
(A: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You all get a snake whip. *hands out snake whips* For everyone who didn't review - REVIEW PLEASE!)
(The whole cast is trying to restrain Shakespear who, for once, is sober. Author enters.)
Author- I'm back!
Lady Alustriel- Who are all those people behind you?
Author- These are the reviewers. Matron Malice, give them all snake whips.
Matron Malice- What? I don't need extra competition!
Author- The reviewers are from my dimension, you dolt!
Matron Malice- Alright in that case . . .
(Matron Malice gives reviewers snake whips. Reviewers leave, smiling evilly.)
Author- Have fun with those! (to cast) Alright, let's get to work.
Jarlaxle- I don't want to work! That's what I have a mercenary band for!
Author- Do they chew your food for you as well?
Jarlaxle- On occasion.
Author- That's gross. Anyway, let's start the play. Bruenor, you are with Count Paris arranging a marriage between Catti-brie and the Crystal Shard.
Entreri- But I thought she liked me!
Bruenor- Catti-brie, you must choose between Entreri, the Crystal Shard, and Drizzt. You can't have all three.
Catti-brie- What is this nonsense!
Regis- (to Delly) I'll bet you a sack of gold that she picks the Crystal Shard.
Delly- Betting is wrong.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Delly- Betting, fighting, and drinking are all wrong.
Bruenor- There goes my life.
Catti-brie- Really! I've never heard such nonsense. I'm in no way interested in the Crystal Shard or Entreri. (pauses) Well, maybe Entreri. . . but not the Crystal Shard!
Drizzt- What!?!
Catti-brie- (apologetically) Well you two are so much alike!
Drizzt- (insulted) Well I never!
Author- (shakes her head in disgust) Sorry to break up the lovers quarrel, but the show must go on.
Regis- Does it have to? Why can't we just talk about me?
Delly- No one wants to talk about you much less to you.
Drizzt- Yeah, your a...a...a...minor character!
(Everyone gasps in horror.)
Guen- That was uncalled for!
Drizzt- Your right, I'm sorry.
Author- Now I know why R.A. Salvator stopped writing about you.
Drizzt- Actually, that was because fanfic authors kept abducting us.
Author-(smiles) Oh yeah! Now let's get on with the show. Bruenor, you agree to let Count Paris court Juliet at a ball.
Bruenor- No.
Author- Why not?
Bruenor- Catti-brie is NOT marrying the Crystal Shard!
Thibbledorf Pwent- That's right! Crystal Shard ain't got a beard!
Bruenor- Thibbledorf? What are you doing here?
Thibbledorf- I'm here to hold your hand through the bath.
Bruenor- WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Author- Sorry, but you smell.
Thibbledorf- Afterward, I'll be playing a few minor parts.
Bruenor- I'm NOT taking a bath.
Author- Wanna bet?
(Thibbledorf and Errtu drag Bruenor away.)
Author- That ends the scene due to lack of characters. Anyway, Thibbledorf! Get back in here!
Thibbledorf- What about the bath?
Author- Errtu can give it to him.
(Splashing and screaming come from offstage.)
Author- Now you get to play an illiterate servant who must find some people on a list.
Thibbledorf- What list?
Author- The list Bruenor gave you.
Thibbledorf- He didn't.
(Errtu comes back with a soggy list which he hands to Thibbledorf.)
Thibbledorf- I don't think anyone could read this, least of all me.
Author- Give it to Entreri. He's supposed to be able to read it.
Entreri- (reading list) Things to do after bath:
Kill Author
Kill Errtu
Kill Thibbledorf
Kill so called "friends"
Get dirty
Not specifically in that order.
Errtu- Wrong list. (hands Entreri a second soggy list.)
Entreri- I can't read this, all the ink ran.
Author- It's just a list of names.
Entreri- If you know what it says, why do you want me to read it?
Author- I just do okay? Now Entreri, you make plans with Colson and Jarlaxle to attend the ball.
Jarlaxle- (to Colson) My lady, I would be pleased if you could attend the ball with me. (Jarlaxle bows. Colson blushes. A Barbie doll hits Jarlaxle on the head.)
Wulfgar- (hefts another Barbie) No one dates Colson without permission!
Delly- You know, I bought those Barbies for Colson.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- Really.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- (misty eyed) Really.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- I knew you loved me, Wulfgar! (jumps into his arms)
Wulfgar- Huh? (drops Delly)
Author- (nods knowingly) I had always wondered how they got together. Now, let's get back to the play, AGAIN!
Regis- Has anyone else noticed how often she says that?
(Bruenor, looking slightly damp and clutching a list comes in. Errtu, soaked to the bone follows.)
Author- I thought Bruenor was supposed to be getting the bath, not Errtu.
Thibbledorf- Good, you still stink. I need competition for world's stinkiest dwarf.
Lady Alustriel- I think that my sage, Fredegar Rockcrusher, has already achieved that title.
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Lady Alustriel- I'm serious! He uses way to much perfume!
Author- ANYWAY, the next scene is in Catti-brie's nursery.
Catti-brie- I'm still in a nursery? But that's where Colson's supposed to be.
Colson- (winces) Don't . . .
Delly- Exactly! Wulfgar, as soon as we get home you are putting your muscles to good use and adding a nursery.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- Do you ever get the impression that he has no idea what you mean?
Delly- My husband is the smartest man alive!
Wulfgar- Huh?
Catti-brie- That says something about other men doesn't it?
Matron Malice- Exactly!
Zaknafein- Uh Oh!
Matron Malice- Females are superior, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(2 hours later)
Matron Malice- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Author- ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, WE GET YOUR POINT! YOU CAN SHUT THE HELL UP NOW!
Regis- Oooooooh!! Author has a bad mouth! Author has a ba-
(Author blasts Regis into unconsciousness.)
Crystal Shard- Hey, nice blast!
Drizzt- Did I know she could do that?
Errtu- That kind of makes my position as security guard obsolete.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- Have you processed any of this?
Wulfgar- Huh?
Harkell Harpell- (from offstage) You better watch out! He broke the leash, muzzle, AND the chains!
(Shakespear comes running out onstage, drooling. Everyone ducks for cover. Shakespear makes another hole in the wall. Immediately hundreds of fan girls swarm through the hole and onto Zaknafein.)
Zaknafein- I'm drowning, I'm drowning!
Author- Thibbledorf, would you please walk over there?
Thibbledorf- Why?
Author- Just do it!
(Thibbledorf walks over. The fan girls run away from the stench and Thibbledorf herds them out. Errtu patches up the hole.)
Errtu- I'm not sure how long the front gate will last. They've got explosives and a battering ram. We are officially under seige.
Drizzt- And they broke all the glass with their shrieks.
Guen- This is not a time when keen hearing is an advantage.
Zaknafein- (to Matron Malice) I did nothing, I swear.
Matron Malice- It sounds like they know you pretty well.
Jarlaxle- They know him by reputation.
Matron Malice- Oh?
Zaknafein- (thinks quickly) Um. . . like father, like son?
Catti-brie- Drizzt!
Drizzt- Father!
Zaknafein- Every drow for himself.
(Matron Malice looks from one to the other undecidedly.)
Matron Malice- Oh, whatever! I'll just whip both of you!
Zaknafein- No! I mean, isn't he more deserving? After all, he killed his sister with
. . . "Twinkle"
Author- Talking of such, Drizzt, you had better ditch that scimater. It's just embarrassing.
Drizzt- But...but...but...I like the name Twinkle.
Matron Malice- I blame Vierna for this behavior.
Zaknafein- Never want to blame yourself, do you?
Colson- Are you implying something, male?
(Zaknafein looks blank.)
Colson- Ok, putting that simply: Are you implying a matron mother is wrong?
(Zaknafein turns pale.)
Zaknafein- Please don't kill me.
Author- Getting back to the nursery scene. We are having a discussion between Guen as Lady Capulet and Wulfgar as the Nurse. Guen, you ask how old Catti-brie is.
Wulfgar- Huh? Old? Catti-brie? (laughs) Your right she is old.
Catti-brie- . . . Drizzt, please hurt him . . .
Drizzt- (being tied into the torture chamber by Matron Malice) I'm kind of tied up at the moment.
Catti-brie- Men! There so insensitive! In that case I'll do it myself.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Catti-brie- (takes out snake whip) Come here, Wulfgar.
(Wulfgar walks over.)
Catti-brie- (blinks) That was surprisingly easy.
Colson- Yeah! You should see him when mom tells him to . . .
(Colson looks at butcher's knife pressed to her throat.)
Delly- Don't finish that thought.
Matron Malice- Threatening your children! Tsk, tsk, tsk Delly!
Drizzt- Why, you do it often enough.
Colson- I'm suing!
Delly- Ok, I get Wulfgar as my lawyer!
Colson- Who said anything about lawyers?
(Colson advances slowly on Delly. Delly looks scared.)
Matron Malice- As Colson's guardian, I fell obligated to protect her.
(Matron Malice advances on Delly. Delly looks very scared. Errtu steps in between.)
Errtu- No hurting the cook! If we kill her we have to eat Catti-brie's cooking.
(Everyone shudders.)
Catti-brie- Hey!
Drizzt- (loyally) I like your cooking.
Zaknafein- Well you liked Matron Malice's cooking too. . .
Regis- (finally waking up) Well Drizzt will eat anything. (smiles fondly) I remember the time he ate raw sewage.
Drizzt- (indignantly) I only ate it because Entreri spat it at me!
Zaknafein- Some of Matron Malice's cooking is worse.
Drizzt- How would you know?
Zaknafein- Jarlaxle told me.
Author- If we could kindly go back to the nursery? Wulfgar, talk to Guen.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- On second thought, let's just skip the nurse's dialog. Catti-brie comes in and, Guen, you announce that you want her to marry Count Paris.
Guen- Absolutely not, she's underage!
Drizzt- Does this mean I can't marry her either?
Guen- I'm talking about Juliet, you numbskull!
Drizzt- Okay, good.
(A knock comes from the front door. Errtu opens the door and holds back the fan girls while Shakespear staggers in, drunk.)
Author- Ok, it seems that it's time to wrap things up.
Regis- Why?
Author- Because I can't direct the play without a director.
Drizzt- Isn't that what you've been doing all along?
(Author considers this.)
Author- Whatever, this is giving me a headache. I'm leaving.
Errtu- How? The fans are blocking the door.
Author- Well am I the author or am I not?
Drizzt- Can we vote on that?
(Author stomps foot in frustration and walks out the back door.)
Regis- Oh, that's how she got in.
Zaknafein- Quick, barricade it before the fans come!
Regis- Or the Author comes back!
Wulfgar- Huh?
(A: I promise to give a snake whip to whoever reviews. Everyone who doesn't review will be whipped by Catti-brie, Colson, and/or Matron Malice. Thanks!)
(A: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You all get a snake whip. *hands out snake whips* For everyone who didn't review - REVIEW PLEASE!)
(The whole cast is trying to restrain Shakespear who, for once, is sober. Author enters.)
Author- I'm back!
Lady Alustriel- Who are all those people behind you?
Author- These are the reviewers. Matron Malice, give them all snake whips.
Matron Malice- What? I don't need extra competition!
Author- The reviewers are from my dimension, you dolt!
Matron Malice- Alright in that case . . .
(Matron Malice gives reviewers snake whips. Reviewers leave, smiling evilly.)
Author- Have fun with those! (to cast) Alright, let's get to work.
Jarlaxle- I don't want to work! That's what I have a mercenary band for!
Author- Do they chew your food for you as well?
Jarlaxle- On occasion.
Author- That's gross. Anyway, let's start the play. Bruenor, you are with Count Paris arranging a marriage between Catti-brie and the Crystal Shard.
Entreri- But I thought she liked me!
Bruenor- Catti-brie, you must choose between Entreri, the Crystal Shard, and Drizzt. You can't have all three.
Catti-brie- What is this nonsense!
Regis- (to Delly) I'll bet you a sack of gold that she picks the Crystal Shard.
Delly- Betting is wrong.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Delly- Betting, fighting, and drinking are all wrong.
Bruenor- There goes my life.
Catti-brie- Really! I've never heard such nonsense. I'm in no way interested in the Crystal Shard or Entreri. (pauses) Well, maybe Entreri. . . but not the Crystal Shard!
Drizzt- What!?!
Catti-brie- (apologetically) Well you two are so much alike!
Drizzt- (insulted) Well I never!
Author- (shakes her head in disgust) Sorry to break up the lovers quarrel, but the show must go on.
Regis- Does it have to? Why can't we just talk about me?
Delly- No one wants to talk about you much less to you.
Drizzt- Yeah, your a...a...a...minor character!
(Everyone gasps in horror.)
Guen- That was uncalled for!
Drizzt- Your right, I'm sorry.
Author- Now I know why R.A. Salvator stopped writing about you.
Drizzt- Actually, that was because fanfic authors kept abducting us.
Author-(smiles) Oh yeah! Now let's get on with the show. Bruenor, you agree to let Count Paris court Juliet at a ball.
Bruenor- No.
Author- Why not?
Bruenor- Catti-brie is NOT marrying the Crystal Shard!
Thibbledorf Pwent- That's right! Crystal Shard ain't got a beard!
Bruenor- Thibbledorf? What are you doing here?
Thibbledorf- I'm here to hold your hand through the bath.
Bruenor- WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Author- Sorry, but you smell.
Thibbledorf- Afterward, I'll be playing a few minor parts.
Bruenor- I'm NOT taking a bath.
Author- Wanna bet?
(Thibbledorf and Errtu drag Bruenor away.)
Author- That ends the scene due to lack of characters. Anyway, Thibbledorf! Get back in here!
Thibbledorf- What about the bath?
Author- Errtu can give it to him.
(Splashing and screaming come from offstage.)
Author- Now you get to play an illiterate servant who must find some people on a list.
Thibbledorf- What list?
Author- The list Bruenor gave you.
Thibbledorf- He didn't.
(Errtu comes back with a soggy list which he hands to Thibbledorf.)
Thibbledorf- I don't think anyone could read this, least of all me.
Author- Give it to Entreri. He's supposed to be able to read it.
Entreri- (reading list) Things to do after bath:
Kill Author
Kill Errtu
Kill Thibbledorf
Kill so called "friends"
Get dirty
Not specifically in that order.
Errtu- Wrong list. (hands Entreri a second soggy list.)
Entreri- I can't read this, all the ink ran.
Author- It's just a list of names.
Entreri- If you know what it says, why do you want me to read it?
Author- I just do okay? Now Entreri, you make plans with Colson and Jarlaxle to attend the ball.
Jarlaxle- (to Colson) My lady, I would be pleased if you could attend the ball with me. (Jarlaxle bows. Colson blushes. A Barbie doll hits Jarlaxle on the head.)
Wulfgar- (hefts another Barbie) No one dates Colson without permission!
Delly- You know, I bought those Barbies for Colson.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- Really.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- (misty eyed) Really.
Wulfgar- Really?
Delly- I knew you loved me, Wulfgar! (jumps into his arms)
Wulfgar- Huh? (drops Delly)
Author- (nods knowingly) I had always wondered how they got together. Now, let's get back to the play, AGAIN!
Regis- Has anyone else noticed how often she says that?
(Bruenor, looking slightly damp and clutching a list comes in. Errtu, soaked to the bone follows.)
Author- I thought Bruenor was supposed to be getting the bath, not Errtu.
Thibbledorf- Good, you still stink. I need competition for world's stinkiest dwarf.
Lady Alustriel- I think that my sage, Fredegar Rockcrusher, has already achieved that title.
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Lady Alustriel- I'm serious! He uses way to much perfume!
Author- ANYWAY, the next scene is in Catti-brie's nursery.
Catti-brie- I'm still in a nursery? But that's where Colson's supposed to be.
Colson- (winces) Don't . . .
Delly- Exactly! Wulfgar, as soon as we get home you are putting your muscles to good use and adding a nursery.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- Do you ever get the impression that he has no idea what you mean?
Delly- My husband is the smartest man alive!
Wulfgar- Huh?
Catti-brie- That says something about other men doesn't it?
Matron Malice- Exactly!
Zaknafein- Uh Oh!
Matron Malice- Females are superior, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
(2 hours later)
Matron Malice- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
Author- ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, WE GET YOUR POINT! YOU CAN SHUT THE HELL UP NOW!
Regis- Oooooooh!! Author has a bad mouth! Author has a ba-
(Author blasts Regis into unconsciousness.)
Crystal Shard- Hey, nice blast!
Drizzt- Did I know she could do that?
Errtu- That kind of makes my position as security guard obsolete.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- Have you processed any of this?
Wulfgar- Huh?
Harkell Harpell- (from offstage) You better watch out! He broke the leash, muzzle, AND the chains!
(Shakespear comes running out onstage, drooling. Everyone ducks for cover. Shakespear makes another hole in the wall. Immediately hundreds of fan girls swarm through the hole and onto Zaknafein.)
Zaknafein- I'm drowning, I'm drowning!
Author- Thibbledorf, would you please walk over there?
Thibbledorf- Why?
Author- Just do it!
(Thibbledorf walks over. The fan girls run away from the stench and Thibbledorf herds them out. Errtu patches up the hole.)
Errtu- I'm not sure how long the front gate will last. They've got explosives and a battering ram. We are officially under seige.
Drizzt- And they broke all the glass with their shrieks.
Guen- This is not a time when keen hearing is an advantage.
Zaknafein- (to Matron Malice) I did nothing, I swear.
Matron Malice- It sounds like they know you pretty well.
Jarlaxle- They know him by reputation.
Matron Malice- Oh?
Zaknafein- (thinks quickly) Um. . . like father, like son?
Catti-brie- Drizzt!
Drizzt- Father!
Zaknafein- Every drow for himself.
(Matron Malice looks from one to the other undecidedly.)
Matron Malice- Oh, whatever! I'll just whip both of you!
Zaknafein- No! I mean, isn't he more deserving? After all, he killed his sister with
. . . "Twinkle"
Author- Talking of such, Drizzt, you had better ditch that scimater. It's just embarrassing.
Drizzt- But...but...but...I like the name Twinkle.
Matron Malice- I blame Vierna for this behavior.
Zaknafein- Never want to blame yourself, do you?
Colson- Are you implying something, male?
(Zaknafein looks blank.)
Colson- Ok, putting that simply: Are you implying a matron mother is wrong?
(Zaknafein turns pale.)
Zaknafein- Please don't kill me.
Author- Getting back to the nursery scene. We are having a discussion between Guen as Lady Capulet and Wulfgar as the Nurse. Guen, you ask how old Catti-brie is.
Wulfgar- Huh? Old? Catti-brie? (laughs) Your right she is old.
Catti-brie- . . . Drizzt, please hurt him . . .
Drizzt- (being tied into the torture chamber by Matron Malice) I'm kind of tied up at the moment.
Catti-brie- Men! There so insensitive! In that case I'll do it myself.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Catti-brie- (takes out snake whip) Come here, Wulfgar.
(Wulfgar walks over.)
Catti-brie- (blinks) That was surprisingly easy.
Colson- Yeah! You should see him when mom tells him to . . .
(Colson looks at butcher's knife pressed to her throat.)
Delly- Don't finish that thought.
Matron Malice- Threatening your children! Tsk, tsk, tsk Delly!
Drizzt- Why, you do it often enough.
Colson- I'm suing!
Delly- Ok, I get Wulfgar as my lawyer!
Colson- Who said anything about lawyers?
(Colson advances slowly on Delly. Delly looks scared.)
Matron Malice- As Colson's guardian, I fell obligated to protect her.
(Matron Malice advances on Delly. Delly looks very scared. Errtu steps in between.)
Errtu- No hurting the cook! If we kill her we have to eat Catti-brie's cooking.
(Everyone shudders.)
Catti-brie- Hey!
Drizzt- (loyally) I like your cooking.
Zaknafein- Well you liked Matron Malice's cooking too. . .
Regis- (finally waking up) Well Drizzt will eat anything. (smiles fondly) I remember the time he ate raw sewage.
Drizzt- (indignantly) I only ate it because Entreri spat it at me!
Zaknafein- Some of Matron Malice's cooking is worse.
Drizzt- How would you know?
Zaknafein- Jarlaxle told me.
Author- If we could kindly go back to the nursery? Wulfgar, talk to Guen.
Wulfgar- Huh?
Author- On second thought, let's just skip the nurse's dialog. Catti-brie comes in and, Guen, you announce that you want her to marry Count Paris.
Guen- Absolutely not, she's underage!
Drizzt- Does this mean I can't marry her either?
Guen- I'm talking about Juliet, you numbskull!
Drizzt- Okay, good.
(A knock comes from the front door. Errtu opens the door and holds back the fan girls while Shakespear staggers in, drunk.)
Author- Ok, it seems that it's time to wrap things up.
Regis- Why?
Author- Because I can't direct the play without a director.
Drizzt- Isn't that what you've been doing all along?
(Author considers this.)
Author- Whatever, this is giving me a headache. I'm leaving.
Errtu- How? The fans are blocking the door.
Author- Well am I the author or am I not?
Drizzt- Can we vote on that?
(Author stomps foot in frustration and walks out the back door.)
Regis- Oh, that's how she got in.
Zaknafein- Quick, barricade it before the fans come!
Regis- Or the Author comes back!
Wulfgar- Huh?
(A: I promise to give a snake whip to whoever reviews. Everyone who doesn't review will be whipped by Catti-brie, Colson, and/or Matron Malice. Thanks!)