Disclaimer- I don't own anything so don't sue me.
A: Wow! I actually got around to writing this chapter after a week of stalling! Please forgive me. By the way, no one told me whether Lavender Morninglord was real or not, so I'm going to keep using him.
Tomoe Hotoro- Yes, as long as you give me the URL of your site!
(The cast is looking nervously at the doors making sure all of them are locked and barred.)
Catti-brie- (nervously) Isn't it about time for HER to come back?
Entreri- Hopefully SHE forgot.
Zaknafein- (muttering) Fat chance of HER forgetting.
Regis- (smugly) Bet you SHE'S not coming.
Catti-brie- Why do you say that?
Regis- (smugly) I crazy-glued the doors.
(The tip of a shovel suddenly pops up from the floor beneath Regis. Regis goes flying.)
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) Stand forth and do battle, shovel!
Author- (muffled) Put those away, you fool. You'll wind up hurting yourself.
(Drizzt promptly drops Twinkle, cutting his hand.)
Entreri- (shakes his head in disbelief) How does she do that?
Drizzt- (cluelessly) Do what?
Entreri- Nevermind.
(Author pulls herself up from the hole in the ground she made by burrowing in.)
Zaknafein- Are we going to have to pour concrete on the floor?
Author- Well your brother . . .
Author- Figures.
Entreri- Your brothers been making quite a profit selling me and my "friends" guns.
(Author frowns and waves her hand. All the guns disappear.)
Entreri- _%#$
Author- This is officially a no guns, no drugs, no alcohol, and no smoking fic.
Bruenor- Darn.
Shakespear- (goes pale) What...was...the...third...one?
Author- (smiles evilly) No alcohol.
Shakespear- (weakly) No...alcohol...
Author- Alcohol will never be in this fic again! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Regis- (scared) Did she go insane again?
Author- No, actually I didn't.
(Author starts to say something then suddenly stops.)
Author- Oh no, this time we're going to do the play . . . no procrastinating.
Regis- (mutters) For the first time.
Author- Vierna, Errtu, come my minions. Proceed to beat these characters into submission!
(Errtu and Vierna advance on characters with similar looks in their eyes.)
Matron Malice- You can't touch me Vierna, I'm a matron mother.
Errtu- (happily) But I can!
Vierna- Actually, you're not a matron anymore. Briza took your place.
Malice- What?! How dare you . . . Put that Matron back on immediately!
Matron Malice- That's better. Anyway, Briza has been dealt with accordingly.
(Scene shifts to Briza in Evermeet. She is surrounded by surface elves singing joyful songs. Briza screams in pain.)
Vierna- (winces in sympathy) That's got to hurt.
Zaknafein- What's with all the scene changes? If anything, there should be more closeups of me.
(immediately, there's a close up of Zaknafein. Zaknafein strikes a pose and the Fan Girls outside double in number.)
Zaknafein- Actually, maybe that's not the best idea...
Malice- He was ever so popular back in Menzoberranzen . . . Hey, put the Matron back!
Matron Malice- That's better.
(The door suddenly swings open to reveal Lavender Morninglord walking in with a big bouquet of roses.)
Lavender Morninglord- Hello princess!
Wulfgar- Huh? Who? Where?
Author- Enough with the procrastinating!
(Author waves hand and Lavender Morninglord is suddenly in a cage.)
Lavender Morninglord- But how will I give these roses to my princess?
(Vierna blushes.)
Wulfgar- Princess? Who? Me?
Guen- Ah, you shouldn't have.
(Guen accepts flowers.)
(Vierna turns red in rage.)
Drizzt- I didn't think drow could turn that color.
(Vierna and Guen have a cat fight which Guen, of course, wins. Wulfgar eats the flowers.)
Vierna- (sulks) Fine, be that way!
Lavender Morninglord- Maybe you could let me out of the cage now?
Author- Absolutely not! We're going to work on the play NOW! I believe we're up to the kissing scene.
Lavender Morninglord- (interested) Kissing scene?
Vierna- (thoughtfully) I wonder if Lavender Morninglord and I could stunt double the kissing scene for Entreri and Catti-brie?
Drizzt- I thought I was Entreri's stunt double?
Catti-brie- Absolutely not! I am not kissing Entreri!
Author- Does your opinion matter?
Zaknafein- Is that a rhetorical question?
Author- Actually it is!
Catti-brie- You can't make me do this! I refuse!
(Guen whispers something in Author's ear.)
Author- (smiles happily) Ok! Drizzt, you were this Entreri costume and kiss Catti-brie.
Drizzt- (gets all starry-eyed) Cool. . . an Entreri costume!
Catti-brie- Why do I even bother?
Drizzt- (suspiciously) What did you offer the Author, Guen?
Guen- Oh, nothing you have to be concerned about . . . yet.
Drizzt- I didn't like the sound of that.
Author- You have a choice A) kiss Catti-brie, or B) keep the Entreri suit.
Drizzt- Decisions, decisions!
(Catti-brie draws her sword.)
Drizzt- (hurriedly) I pick Catti-brie! I pick Catti-brie!
Author- Morik!
(Morik runs out.)
Author- I need you to get my pencil from the pencil storage closet. It's yellow with a point on one end and an eraser on the other.
Zaknafein- Bet you it's a pink eraser.
Author- (amazed) How did you know?
(Morik walks toward the pencil storage closet, dazed.)
Catti-brie- You have a whole closet full of pencils?
Author- I'm an Author what did you expect?
Drizzt- Porcupine?
Zaknafein- (nervously) Porcupines, where?
Author- (glares at Drizzt) How'd you know that's where I keep them?
Drizzt- Where do you think I got the flying one's from?
Zaknafein- (slowly) Flying. . . Porcupine?
Vierna- Uh,oh.
Zaknafein- (runs away) PORCUPINES!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- Let's get on with the play.
Drizzt- In that case me and my pet are going over there.
Guen- Pet?!
Drizzt- Ooops! Did I say that out loud?
Guen- PET?!
Drizzt- Please don't kill me!
Guen- PET?!?!?!?!
(Drizzt runs to Matron Malice)
Drizzt- Save me mommy!
Malice- (looks disgusted) That's- where's the Matron, already?
Matron Malice- That's better.
Author- Getting on with the scene. . .
(A brief silence.)
Author- Well, isn't anyone going to protest?
Regis- Why bother? We're just going to make a scene and procrastinate anyway?
Drizzt- (confused) Did that make any sense?
Zaknafein- Since when does Regis make sense?
Drizzt- (to Zaknafein, in amazement) You've come back to me!
Zaknafein- Only to murder you.
Drizzt- Oh, ok then.
(A brief silence as this sinks in.)
Drizzt- (suddenly) Murder me?!
Guen- I'll help!
Vierna- So will I!
Entreri- Count me in!
Errtu- Not if I don't get to help!
Matron Malice- Lady's first!
Author- STOP THE PROCRASTINATING!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- That's it, I've decided to bring in a new security crew since the one I have odviously isn't working. Where's Morik with my pencil?
(Scene cuts to Morik who is staring in horror at row upon row of identical yellow pencils in the pencil storage closet.)
Author- (halfway to closet) Oh, wait! Now I remember!
(Author pulls pencil out of pocket.)
Author- (to Morik) Nevermind!
Morik- . . .
(Author starts to draw.)
Author- Done!
(Author waves hand and the Teletubbies and Barney appear.)
Matron Malice- (screams) THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
(Wulfgar starts dancing with the Teletubbies singing the Juicy Fruit song.)
Wulfgar & Teletubbies- Sharing and caring is lots of fun!
Entreri- NOOOOOOOOO!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Crystal Shard- NOOOO! YOU HORRIBLE FIENDS! BACK I SAY! BACK!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- (to Drizzt) If your going to start that again, I'm going to have to stop you.
Drizzt- How?
Author- Barney! Attack!
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) I'm not afraid of you!
Barney- Let's be friends!
Drizzt- (drops scimaters and runs away screaming) AHHHH!
Zaknafein- (draws swords) You can't scare me!
(A flying porcupine exits the pencil storage closet.)
Zaknafein- (Drops swords and runs away screaming) AHHHH!
Author- Ok, troops, round 'em up! We're doing the kissing scene this chapter or else!
(Barney starts rounding them up. Teletubbies are still singing happy songs with Wulfgar.)
(Author frowns and waves her hand. Teletubbies disappear.)
Wulfgar- Huh? Where did the princesses go?
Shakespear- (coming out of shock) No.....alcohol? (looks around) What just happened? Why is the character from my Toilet book here?
Entreri- Barney was in the Toilet book?
Shakespear- So were the Teletubbies and the Power Rangers.
Crystal Shard- EVIL! DIE! DIE!
(Barney dies.)
Crystal Shard-(blinks) That was too easy . . .
(Crystal Shard gets trampled by a herd of rampaging emu.)
Author- (blinks) Where did those come from?
Zaknafein- I think they came from in there.
(Zaknafein points to a door labeled Mindi's Room.)
Author- I don't want to know.
(Rampaging emu round up the characters.)
Wulfgar- What's an emu?
(Wulfgar is trampled by a herd or rampaging emu.)
Wulfgar- Oh.
(The door opens and Lady Alustriel and Delly walk in.)
Author- (angry) And where were you?
Lady Alustriel- We were at the nail salon.
Author- (calms down) Oh, that's alright then.
Wulfgar- What's a nail salon?
Lady Alustriel- ......
Drizzt- May I go to the nail-
Author- No! Anyway, to the kissing scene.
Drizzt- Why? There's enough kissing going on in that closet.
(A herd of rampaging emu knock down the closet door exposing Jarlaxle and Colson.)
Wulfgar- Where Barbie?
Delly- I burned them, remember?
Wulfgar- Darn. Now I have go back to throwing hammer thing.
Bruenor- (enraged) It's name is Aegis-Fang, dammit!
Wulfgar- Yeah, that.
Bruenor- (sobbing) My life's masterpiece, wielded by a simpleton.
Wulfgar- (to Colson) What's a simpleton?
Colson- You.
Wulfgar- Oh, ok!
Author- (frustrated) Ok, Drizzt just kiss Catti-brie already!
(Drizzt kisses Catti-brie.)
Author- Ok, I'm leaving now and I'm coming back with a cattle-prod.
Regis- Where do you keep the concrete?
Author- Mindi's Room.
Regis- Ok, scratch that idea.
Delly- (thoughtfully) I think we have enough fruit cake left from last Christmas.
Drizzt- Especially since no one ate them.
Bruenor- Or we could just substitute some of Catti-brie's cooking.
Catti-brie- Hey!
(Author leaves through front door.)
Regis- I thought I crazy-glued that?
Vierna- I think Lavender Morninglord got rid of that.
Lavender Morninglord- Could someone let me out of the cage now?
(Vierna smiles seductively, then slumps unconscious as a rampaging emu hits her on the head.)
Wulfgar- No flirting.
(That's all for now! Review please!)
A: Wow! I actually got around to writing this chapter after a week of stalling! Please forgive me. By the way, no one told me whether Lavender Morninglord was real or not, so I'm going to keep using him.
Tomoe Hotoro- Yes, as long as you give me the URL of your site!
(The cast is looking nervously at the doors making sure all of them are locked and barred.)
Catti-brie- (nervously) Isn't it about time for HER to come back?
Entreri- Hopefully SHE forgot.
Zaknafein- (muttering) Fat chance of HER forgetting.
Regis- (smugly) Bet you SHE'S not coming.
Catti-brie- Why do you say that?
Regis- (smugly) I crazy-glued the doors.
(The tip of a shovel suddenly pops up from the floor beneath Regis. Regis goes flying.)
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) Stand forth and do battle, shovel!
Author- (muffled) Put those away, you fool. You'll wind up hurting yourself.
(Drizzt promptly drops Twinkle, cutting his hand.)
Entreri- (shakes his head in disbelief) How does she do that?
Drizzt- (cluelessly) Do what?
Entreri- Nevermind.
(Author pulls herself up from the hole in the ground she made by burrowing in.)
Zaknafein- Are we going to have to pour concrete on the floor?
Author- Well your brother . . .
Author- Figures.
Entreri- Your brothers been making quite a profit selling me and my "friends" guns.
(Author frowns and waves her hand. All the guns disappear.)
Entreri- _%#$
Author- This is officially a no guns, no drugs, no alcohol, and no smoking fic.
Bruenor- Darn.
Shakespear- (goes pale) What...was...the...third...one?
Author- (smiles evilly) No alcohol.
Shakespear- (weakly) No...alcohol...
Author- Alcohol will never be in this fic again! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Regis- (scared) Did she go insane again?
Author- No, actually I didn't.
(Author starts to say something then suddenly stops.)
Author- Oh no, this time we're going to do the play . . . no procrastinating.
Regis- (mutters) For the first time.
Author- Vierna, Errtu, come my minions. Proceed to beat these characters into submission!
(Errtu and Vierna advance on characters with similar looks in their eyes.)
Matron Malice- You can't touch me Vierna, I'm a matron mother.
Errtu- (happily) But I can!
Vierna- Actually, you're not a matron anymore. Briza took your place.
Malice- What?! How dare you . . . Put that Matron back on immediately!
Matron Malice- That's better. Anyway, Briza has been dealt with accordingly.
(Scene shifts to Briza in Evermeet. She is surrounded by surface elves singing joyful songs. Briza screams in pain.)
Vierna- (winces in sympathy) That's got to hurt.
Zaknafein- What's with all the scene changes? If anything, there should be more closeups of me.
(immediately, there's a close up of Zaknafein. Zaknafein strikes a pose and the Fan Girls outside double in number.)
Zaknafein- Actually, maybe that's not the best idea...
Malice- He was ever so popular back in Menzoberranzen . . . Hey, put the Matron back!
Matron Malice- That's better.
(The door suddenly swings open to reveal Lavender Morninglord walking in with a big bouquet of roses.)
Lavender Morninglord- Hello princess!
Wulfgar- Huh? Who? Where?
Author- Enough with the procrastinating!
(Author waves hand and Lavender Morninglord is suddenly in a cage.)
Lavender Morninglord- But how will I give these roses to my princess?
(Vierna blushes.)
Wulfgar- Princess? Who? Me?
Guen- Ah, you shouldn't have.
(Guen accepts flowers.)
(Vierna turns red in rage.)
Drizzt- I didn't think drow could turn that color.
(Vierna and Guen have a cat fight which Guen, of course, wins. Wulfgar eats the flowers.)
Vierna- (sulks) Fine, be that way!
Lavender Morninglord- Maybe you could let me out of the cage now?
Author- Absolutely not! We're going to work on the play NOW! I believe we're up to the kissing scene.
Lavender Morninglord- (interested) Kissing scene?
Vierna- (thoughtfully) I wonder if Lavender Morninglord and I could stunt double the kissing scene for Entreri and Catti-brie?
Drizzt- I thought I was Entreri's stunt double?
Catti-brie- Absolutely not! I am not kissing Entreri!
Author- Does your opinion matter?
Zaknafein- Is that a rhetorical question?
Author- Actually it is!
Catti-brie- You can't make me do this! I refuse!
(Guen whispers something in Author's ear.)
Author- (smiles happily) Ok! Drizzt, you were this Entreri costume and kiss Catti-brie.
Drizzt- (gets all starry-eyed) Cool. . . an Entreri costume!
Catti-brie- Why do I even bother?
Drizzt- (suspiciously) What did you offer the Author, Guen?
Guen- Oh, nothing you have to be concerned about . . . yet.
Drizzt- I didn't like the sound of that.
Author- You have a choice A) kiss Catti-brie, or B) keep the Entreri suit.
Drizzt- Decisions, decisions!
(Catti-brie draws her sword.)
Drizzt- (hurriedly) I pick Catti-brie! I pick Catti-brie!
Author- Morik!
(Morik runs out.)
Author- I need you to get my pencil from the pencil storage closet. It's yellow with a point on one end and an eraser on the other.
Zaknafein- Bet you it's a pink eraser.
Author- (amazed) How did you know?
(Morik walks toward the pencil storage closet, dazed.)
Catti-brie- You have a whole closet full of pencils?
Author- I'm an Author what did you expect?
Drizzt- Porcupine?
Zaknafein- (nervously) Porcupines, where?
Author- (glares at Drizzt) How'd you know that's where I keep them?
Drizzt- Where do you think I got the flying one's from?
Zaknafein- (slowly) Flying. . . Porcupine?
Vierna- Uh,oh.
Zaknafein- (runs away) PORCUPINES!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- Let's get on with the play.
Drizzt- In that case me and my pet are going over there.
Guen- Pet?!
Drizzt- Ooops! Did I say that out loud?
Guen- PET?!
Drizzt- Please don't kill me!
Guen- PET?!?!?!?!
(Drizzt runs to Matron Malice)
Drizzt- Save me mommy!
Malice- (looks disgusted) That's- where's the Matron, already?
Matron Malice- That's better.
Author- Getting on with the scene. . .
(A brief silence.)
Author- Well, isn't anyone going to protest?
Regis- Why bother? We're just going to make a scene and procrastinate anyway?
Drizzt- (confused) Did that make any sense?
Zaknafein- Since when does Regis make sense?
Drizzt- (to Zaknafein, in amazement) You've come back to me!
Zaknafein- Only to murder you.
Drizzt- Oh, ok then.
(A brief silence as this sinks in.)
Drizzt- (suddenly) Murder me?!
Guen- I'll help!
Vierna- So will I!
Entreri- Count me in!
Errtu- Not if I don't get to help!
Matron Malice- Lady's first!
Author- STOP THE PROCRASTINATING!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- That's it, I've decided to bring in a new security crew since the one I have odviously isn't working. Where's Morik with my pencil?
(Scene cuts to Morik who is staring in horror at row upon row of identical yellow pencils in the pencil storage closet.)
Author- (halfway to closet) Oh, wait! Now I remember!
(Author pulls pencil out of pocket.)
Author- (to Morik) Nevermind!
Morik- . . .
(Author starts to draw.)
Author- Done!
(Author waves hand and the Teletubbies and Barney appear.)
Matron Malice- (screams) THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
(Wulfgar starts dancing with the Teletubbies singing the Juicy Fruit song.)
Wulfgar & Teletubbies- Sharing and caring is lots of fun!
Entreri- NOOOOOOOOO!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Crystal Shard- NOOOO! YOU HORRIBLE FIENDS! BACK I SAY! BACK!
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!
Author- (to Drizzt) If your going to start that again, I'm going to have to stop you.
Drizzt- How?
Author- Barney! Attack!
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) I'm not afraid of you!
Barney- Let's be friends!
Drizzt- (drops scimaters and runs away screaming) AHHHH!
Zaknafein- (draws swords) You can't scare me!
(A flying porcupine exits the pencil storage closet.)
Zaknafein- (Drops swords and runs away screaming) AHHHH!
Author- Ok, troops, round 'em up! We're doing the kissing scene this chapter or else!
(Barney starts rounding them up. Teletubbies are still singing happy songs with Wulfgar.)
(Author frowns and waves her hand. Teletubbies disappear.)
Wulfgar- Huh? Where did the princesses go?
Shakespear- (coming out of shock) No.....alcohol? (looks around) What just happened? Why is the character from my Toilet book here?
Entreri- Barney was in the Toilet book?
Shakespear- So were the Teletubbies and the Power Rangers.
Crystal Shard- EVIL! DIE! DIE!
(Barney dies.)
Crystal Shard-(blinks) That was too easy . . .
(Crystal Shard gets trampled by a herd of rampaging emu.)
Author- (blinks) Where did those come from?
Zaknafein- I think they came from in there.
(Zaknafein points to a door labeled Mindi's Room.)
Author- I don't want to know.
(Rampaging emu round up the characters.)
Wulfgar- What's an emu?
(Wulfgar is trampled by a herd or rampaging emu.)
Wulfgar- Oh.
(The door opens and Lady Alustriel and Delly walk in.)
Author- (angry) And where were you?
Lady Alustriel- We were at the nail salon.
Author- (calms down) Oh, that's alright then.
Wulfgar- What's a nail salon?
Lady Alustriel- ......
Drizzt- May I go to the nail-
Author- No! Anyway, to the kissing scene.
Drizzt- Why? There's enough kissing going on in that closet.
(A herd of rampaging emu knock down the closet door exposing Jarlaxle and Colson.)
Wulfgar- Where Barbie?
Delly- I burned them, remember?
Wulfgar- Darn. Now I have go back to throwing hammer thing.
Bruenor- (enraged) It's name is Aegis-Fang, dammit!
Wulfgar- Yeah, that.
Bruenor- (sobbing) My life's masterpiece, wielded by a simpleton.
Wulfgar- (to Colson) What's a simpleton?
Colson- You.
Wulfgar- Oh, ok!
Author- (frustrated) Ok, Drizzt just kiss Catti-brie already!
(Drizzt kisses Catti-brie.)
Author- Ok, I'm leaving now and I'm coming back with a cattle-prod.
Regis- Where do you keep the concrete?
Author- Mindi's Room.
Regis- Ok, scratch that idea.
Delly- (thoughtfully) I think we have enough fruit cake left from last Christmas.
Drizzt- Especially since no one ate them.
Bruenor- Or we could just substitute some of Catti-brie's cooking.
Catti-brie- Hey!
(Author leaves through front door.)
Regis- I thought I crazy-glued that?
Vierna- I think Lavender Morninglord got rid of that.
Lavender Morninglord- Could someone let me out of the cage now?
(Vierna smiles seductively, then slumps unconscious as a rampaging emu hits her on the head.)
Wulfgar- No flirting.
(That's all for now! Review please!)