TWO: IMPATIENT MEN AND RIGHT HAIRED FREAKS
"Mom!" Rory stood at bottom of the stairs and yelled at the top of her lungs. "MOM!"
"Stop SCREAMING!" replied Lorelai in kind. "It's very rude! People will think you were raised in a barn!"
"Luke's here!" Rory continued screaming anyway, oblivious to her mother's instructions.
"You know, you really don't have to yell," Luke said, "I can just wait here until she's ready."
"No, it's okay," said Rory, "We like yelling. Sometimes in the middle of the night we'll stage these elaborate plots and then scream them to each other from across the house. Last month accused her of stealing my eighty year old boyfriend. The neighbors were riled up for weeks. You want me to go check on her?"
"It's fine."
"Sometimes she gets upset because she thinks the hair on the right side of her head is larger in volume than the hair on the left."
"I'm not ready yet!" Lorelai's voice drifted down. "Tell him I'm busy wearing something slutty!"
Rory turned to Luke. "She said she's busy wearing something …"
"I heard her," Luke cut in quickly, turning away, hoping that Rory wouldn't notice that his face was slightly redder than before.
"I'll go up and check on her," said Rory, who, if she did notice, made no indication that she did. "Sometimes she can't get into the leather and needs me to oil her up."
Rory bounded up the stairs.
*
"Luke's downstairs, mom," said Rory as she entered her mother's bedroom. Lorelai was standing in front of her dressing mirror, brushing her hair.
"Do you think my hair looks uneven?" Lorelai asked, turning to Rory.
"Mom, we've been through this a thousand times before. There is an equal amount of hair on the right side of your head as your left."
"Are you sure? Because every time I walk, I feel like my head is tilting over to the right. Look." Lorelai walked towards Rory, tilting her head in an exaggerate manner. "I feel lopsided."
"You're doing that on purpose. Come on, Luke's downstairs and he's waiting. You know how impatient he gets."
"Luke? Impatient? Those are two words I never thought I'd hear in the same sentence. Really, where do you come up with this ridiculous ideas. Soon you'll be telling me that some people actually paid Mariah Carey to act in a movie."
"Ha ha, funny, coming from a right-haired freak."
"I think I need to brush my hair again," said Lorelai, going back to the dressing table. "It'd be very inconvenient if my head tilts to the right, and then the person sitting behind me in the theater will have to tilt his head to the left so he can see the movie, and then the person behind him will be tilting right, and it'll be like this chain reaction. Soon, the heads of all movie goers will be askew. I for one, cannot bear the burden of that responsibility."
"I feel embarrassed for the both of us."
Lorelai decided it was best to ignore her daughter's comment, and started brushing her hair again.
"Mom, if you don't hurry, you're gonna miss the movie," Rory continued, "And it's going to ruin your date."
Lorelai put the brush down and stared at her daughter. "It's not a date."
"Oh, okay, sorry," Rory said, "You're going to ruin your night out. Hurry up, he's still waiting you know."
"What do you mean, date? It's not a date. It's nothing like a date. It's the Anti-Date. It's like, in school, where you play that game where you have to name the opposite of things, and when someone says "cat", you say "dog", so when someone says "date" , I'll say "movie with Luke"!"
"Geez, okay. No need to get defensive." Rory said, "I just said it accidentally, I didn't mean anything by it. And "dog" is not the opposite of "cat". Animals don't have opposites. If you want to ramble, at least ramble logically."
"I wasn't getting defensive," Lorelai shot back, "I was merely telling the truth, a habit I must say is completely lost on your wayward generation."
"Uh-huh. Luke's still downstairs."
"I'm still right-haired. I still need to brush this bit first," said Lorelai, grabbing her brush again.
"Your date's waiting, mom," said Rory, mischievously.
"Stop it."
"Your honey's downstairs."
"I said stop it."
"Your lover-man is a-waiting."
"Stop."
"He's a hunka hunk of burning love, and he's burning for you…"
"Rory…"
"Oh, Luke, I'm so hot for you right now," mocked Rory in a high-pitched voice.
"Demon child."
"You make me feel soooo sexy…"
"Don't make me bend you over and spank you with this hairbrush, Missy, because I've seen several Lifetime movies about poor abused children, so I know how to do it."
"Okay, I've had enough fun," said Rory, slumping down on one of the chairs beside the bed. "Falsetto voice aside, Luke's still waiting downstairs, and I think if he waits any longer he's gonna start fixing something."
"Oh, then try to make him wait a little longer near our stove."
"Why? You don't use it."
"Still doesn't mean I shouldn't have a working stove, right?" Lorelai replied. "What if Martha Stewart is visiting one day and drops by and decides she wants to teach me how to make a delicious stew? If the stove's broken she probably can't do that, and I'll never learn to cook, and you'll never get to the pleasure of tasting home-cooked meals for the rest of your life. That my dear, is a price too high to pay."
"So you want Luke to fix it not because you want to use it, but just in the off-chance that Martha Stewart will drop by our house and give you cooking lessons."
"Uh-huh. Either her or the fat guy on that other cooking show."
"Mom, your hair looks fine now. Can you please go down? I don't want Luke to hate us because you're slow, and you're late, and you're irresponsible, and you have hair that looks like it wants to attack Tokyo."
"AH! I knew my hair looked weird."
"No, mom, I was just kidding. Your hair is fine."
"It looks fine? I'm not right-haired anymore?"
"No."
"Left-haired?"
"Not that either."
"Front-haired?"
"What's front-haired?"
"That's when my fringe becomes more obvious than the rest of my hair."
"No, you're definitely not front-haired, either. As far as I can tell, you're neutral-haired. Your hair is Switzerland hair."
"Ah, it's always good to have Switzerland hair."
"By the way, I told Luke you were wearing leather. Let's see if he's disappointed when he finds out you're wearing jeans and a blue top."
"Shut up."
*
"Finally," said Luke as he saw Lorelai and Rory coming down the stairs. He paused when he saw Lorelai. "What's up with the right side of your head?"
"Argh!" Lorelai pushed Rory gently. "You put him up to this didn't you. That isn't funny."
"I didn't put him up to anything," said Rory, giggling and she came down the stairs and sat on the sofa.
"It was offensive, hurtful, and I don't think I can forgive either of you for the rest of my life."
"Well, if that's the case I'd better be heading home," said Luke. "Have fun at the movie."
"Oh, wait. My life has just ended and now I am reborn. I forgive the two of you." Lorelai said quickly. "Come on, Luke, let's go. We're gonna be late."
"Gee, I wonder why."
"Since your asking – I think if you didn't waste your time making fun of my hair, we would already be there."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know we could reach the theater in two and a half seconds."
"Well, clearly not, the way you drive."
"What's wrong with the way I drive?" Luke demanded.
"Nothing, except for the time you gave me a lift back from the Inn, by the time we reached Stars Hollows, there were mighty oaks where once stood saplings."
"Stop exaggerating. I'm a safe driver."
"What's your idea of safe driving? Letting all the other drivers die of old age so you can have the road all to yourself?"
"Can we just go already?" Luke headed towards the door. "You're making my ears hurt."
"Have fun, you crazy kids," called out Rory.
"You sure you don't want to come with us?" Luke's question seemed more pleading than inquiring.
"I can't. Paris is coming over with all the issues of the Franklin since 1992, so we can compare and contrast it with our issue today."
"She's a strange girl, that Paris," noted Lorelai. "Very odd, very odd."
"Look who's talking," Luke added under his breath.
"Luke, I'm standing right next to you. I heard that."
"I meant for you to hear that."
"Then why did you say it under your breath?"
"Because I'm tired of talking to you and saying things under my breath is less taxing. Are you satisfied?"
"No, that was a crappy answer. Try again."
"Can we go?"
"You didn't say that under your breath. Why? Sudden recovery? Not so *taxing* anymore?"
"Does your mouth ever get tired?"
"Yes, it does, but it hardly ever stops me."
"It's true you know," Rory added. "Once, she was so tired, but she didn't want to give up, so she rested the side of her head on the table and kept on talking anyways. It was a very passionate speech. Mostly incoherent, but passionate nonetheless."
"I want to go," said Luke.
"Okay, but we'll talk more about this as we walk to your truck."
"God." Luke opened the door and let Lorelai leave, before following her. "Night, Rory."
Rory waved at Luke and then picked up a book that was lying on the table. "Have fun you two."
--- to be continued ---
"Mom!" Rory stood at bottom of the stairs and yelled at the top of her lungs. "MOM!"
"Stop SCREAMING!" replied Lorelai in kind. "It's very rude! People will think you were raised in a barn!"
"Luke's here!" Rory continued screaming anyway, oblivious to her mother's instructions.
"You know, you really don't have to yell," Luke said, "I can just wait here until she's ready."
"No, it's okay," said Rory, "We like yelling. Sometimes in the middle of the night we'll stage these elaborate plots and then scream them to each other from across the house. Last month accused her of stealing my eighty year old boyfriend. The neighbors were riled up for weeks. You want me to go check on her?"
"It's fine."
"Sometimes she gets upset because she thinks the hair on the right side of her head is larger in volume than the hair on the left."
"I'm not ready yet!" Lorelai's voice drifted down. "Tell him I'm busy wearing something slutty!"
Rory turned to Luke. "She said she's busy wearing something …"
"I heard her," Luke cut in quickly, turning away, hoping that Rory wouldn't notice that his face was slightly redder than before.
"I'll go up and check on her," said Rory, who, if she did notice, made no indication that she did. "Sometimes she can't get into the leather and needs me to oil her up."
Rory bounded up the stairs.
*
"Luke's downstairs, mom," said Rory as she entered her mother's bedroom. Lorelai was standing in front of her dressing mirror, brushing her hair.
"Do you think my hair looks uneven?" Lorelai asked, turning to Rory.
"Mom, we've been through this a thousand times before. There is an equal amount of hair on the right side of your head as your left."
"Are you sure? Because every time I walk, I feel like my head is tilting over to the right. Look." Lorelai walked towards Rory, tilting her head in an exaggerate manner. "I feel lopsided."
"You're doing that on purpose. Come on, Luke's downstairs and he's waiting. You know how impatient he gets."
"Luke? Impatient? Those are two words I never thought I'd hear in the same sentence. Really, where do you come up with this ridiculous ideas. Soon you'll be telling me that some people actually paid Mariah Carey to act in a movie."
"Ha ha, funny, coming from a right-haired freak."
"I think I need to brush my hair again," said Lorelai, going back to the dressing table. "It'd be very inconvenient if my head tilts to the right, and then the person sitting behind me in the theater will have to tilt his head to the left so he can see the movie, and then the person behind him will be tilting right, and it'll be like this chain reaction. Soon, the heads of all movie goers will be askew. I for one, cannot bear the burden of that responsibility."
"I feel embarrassed for the both of us."
Lorelai decided it was best to ignore her daughter's comment, and started brushing her hair again.
"Mom, if you don't hurry, you're gonna miss the movie," Rory continued, "And it's going to ruin your date."
Lorelai put the brush down and stared at her daughter. "It's not a date."
"Oh, okay, sorry," Rory said, "You're going to ruin your night out. Hurry up, he's still waiting you know."
"What do you mean, date? It's not a date. It's nothing like a date. It's the Anti-Date. It's like, in school, where you play that game where you have to name the opposite of things, and when someone says "cat", you say "dog", so when someone says "date" , I'll say "movie with Luke"!"
"Geez, okay. No need to get defensive." Rory said, "I just said it accidentally, I didn't mean anything by it. And "dog" is not the opposite of "cat". Animals don't have opposites. If you want to ramble, at least ramble logically."
"I wasn't getting defensive," Lorelai shot back, "I was merely telling the truth, a habit I must say is completely lost on your wayward generation."
"Uh-huh. Luke's still downstairs."
"I'm still right-haired. I still need to brush this bit first," said Lorelai, grabbing her brush again.
"Your date's waiting, mom," said Rory, mischievously.
"Stop it."
"Your honey's downstairs."
"I said stop it."
"Your lover-man is a-waiting."
"Stop."
"He's a hunka hunk of burning love, and he's burning for you…"
"Rory…"
"Oh, Luke, I'm so hot for you right now," mocked Rory in a high-pitched voice.
"Demon child."
"You make me feel soooo sexy…"
"Don't make me bend you over and spank you with this hairbrush, Missy, because I've seen several Lifetime movies about poor abused children, so I know how to do it."
"Okay, I've had enough fun," said Rory, slumping down on one of the chairs beside the bed. "Falsetto voice aside, Luke's still waiting downstairs, and I think if he waits any longer he's gonna start fixing something."
"Oh, then try to make him wait a little longer near our stove."
"Why? You don't use it."
"Still doesn't mean I shouldn't have a working stove, right?" Lorelai replied. "What if Martha Stewart is visiting one day and drops by and decides she wants to teach me how to make a delicious stew? If the stove's broken she probably can't do that, and I'll never learn to cook, and you'll never get to the pleasure of tasting home-cooked meals for the rest of your life. That my dear, is a price too high to pay."
"So you want Luke to fix it not because you want to use it, but just in the off-chance that Martha Stewart will drop by our house and give you cooking lessons."
"Uh-huh. Either her or the fat guy on that other cooking show."
"Mom, your hair looks fine now. Can you please go down? I don't want Luke to hate us because you're slow, and you're late, and you're irresponsible, and you have hair that looks like it wants to attack Tokyo."
"AH! I knew my hair looked weird."
"No, mom, I was just kidding. Your hair is fine."
"It looks fine? I'm not right-haired anymore?"
"No."
"Left-haired?"
"Not that either."
"Front-haired?"
"What's front-haired?"
"That's when my fringe becomes more obvious than the rest of my hair."
"No, you're definitely not front-haired, either. As far as I can tell, you're neutral-haired. Your hair is Switzerland hair."
"Ah, it's always good to have Switzerland hair."
"By the way, I told Luke you were wearing leather. Let's see if he's disappointed when he finds out you're wearing jeans and a blue top."
"Shut up."
*
"Finally," said Luke as he saw Lorelai and Rory coming down the stairs. He paused when he saw Lorelai. "What's up with the right side of your head?"
"Argh!" Lorelai pushed Rory gently. "You put him up to this didn't you. That isn't funny."
"I didn't put him up to anything," said Rory, giggling and she came down the stairs and sat on the sofa.
"It was offensive, hurtful, and I don't think I can forgive either of you for the rest of my life."
"Well, if that's the case I'd better be heading home," said Luke. "Have fun at the movie."
"Oh, wait. My life has just ended and now I am reborn. I forgive the two of you." Lorelai said quickly. "Come on, Luke, let's go. We're gonna be late."
"Gee, I wonder why."
"Since your asking – I think if you didn't waste your time making fun of my hair, we would already be there."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know we could reach the theater in two and a half seconds."
"Well, clearly not, the way you drive."
"What's wrong with the way I drive?" Luke demanded.
"Nothing, except for the time you gave me a lift back from the Inn, by the time we reached Stars Hollows, there were mighty oaks where once stood saplings."
"Stop exaggerating. I'm a safe driver."
"What's your idea of safe driving? Letting all the other drivers die of old age so you can have the road all to yourself?"
"Can we just go already?" Luke headed towards the door. "You're making my ears hurt."
"Have fun, you crazy kids," called out Rory.
"You sure you don't want to come with us?" Luke's question seemed more pleading than inquiring.
"I can't. Paris is coming over with all the issues of the Franklin since 1992, so we can compare and contrast it with our issue today."
"She's a strange girl, that Paris," noted Lorelai. "Very odd, very odd."
"Look who's talking," Luke added under his breath.
"Luke, I'm standing right next to you. I heard that."
"I meant for you to hear that."
"Then why did you say it under your breath?"
"Because I'm tired of talking to you and saying things under my breath is less taxing. Are you satisfied?"
"No, that was a crappy answer. Try again."
"Can we go?"
"You didn't say that under your breath. Why? Sudden recovery? Not so *taxing* anymore?"
"Does your mouth ever get tired?"
"Yes, it does, but it hardly ever stops me."
"It's true you know," Rory added. "Once, she was so tired, but she didn't want to give up, so she rested the side of her head on the table and kept on talking anyways. It was a very passionate speech. Mostly incoherent, but passionate nonetheless."
"I want to go," said Luke.
"Okay, but we'll talk more about this as we walk to your truck."
"God." Luke opened the door and let Lorelai leave, before following her. "Night, Rory."
Rory waved at Luke and then picked up a book that was lying on the table. "Have fun you two."
--- to be continued ---