FIVE: I NEVER LIKED LONG DISTANCE RUNNING, ANYWAY

"Move, move!" Lorelai pushed Luke through the crowd. "Faster, I say, faster."

"Ow! Hey! Sorry!" Luke protested as he knocked into a man standing by the door. He had barely gotten his apology out when Lorelai sent him tumbling towards a woman with two kids. He caught his balance in time and managed to avoid a collision. He stopped and turned around. "Okay, stop that."

"Stop what?" Lorelai asked, at the same time trying to push him forward, but failing miserably due to the fact that Luke was much bigger and insisted on staying put.

"Stop pushing me through all those people. I think that woman we trampled on earlier agrees with me."

"Ugh, we so did not trample on her," insisted Lorelai. "Sure, there was a tussle, a fall, and the soft gentle sound of a woman screaming in pain as my left heel pierced through her thigh, but really, stop exaggerating."

"Why are you such in a hurry to leave anyway?"

"Lorelai!" The immediately recognizable voice of Emily Gilmore came from behind the crowd leaving the theater.

"Suddenly, I understand why those poor Japanese men always looked so frightened when Godzilla comes to town," Lorelai says as she tries to push Luke forward. "Come on, if we sprint, we can beat her. She may triumph in the arena of dining etiquette, but long-distance is definitely one of her shortcomings."

"Lorelai, I'm not running from your mother."

Emily Gilmore came up to the two of them, dusting her clothes as if she had just come in from a desert storm. "My God, I'll have to burn these clothes when I get home."

"Can I join them?" asked Lorelai.

"Lorelai, don't be rude," said Emily.

"Where's dad, mom?" Lorelai looked out for the one person that could distract Emily from her.

"Your father's visiting the restroom. I tried to persuade him not to, those places are filthy. If he wanted to be that unhygienic, I would have just brought him to a public swimming pool."

"Ah, my father, the public restroom scoundrel."

"That's very interesting, Lorelai," Emily decided to turn her attention to Luke. "Hello, Luke. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk earlier, but Lorelai was giving me a headache."

"Oh!" Lorelai gasped.

"It's okay, it happens to me too," said Luke.

"Traitorous snake," hissed Lorelai. She pointed to a man standing behind Emily. "Mom, look, dad's there."

Emily turned around, and Lorelai tried to push Luke forward again, failing once more. "Quick, here's our chance."

"Lorelai, that's not your father," said Emily, turning to face Lorelai and Luke again. "That looks more like a thirty year old black man."

"From a distance, he looked like Dad," Lorelai sighed.

"He's standing three feet from us," said Emily, motioning to the black man standing behind her. He looked at her, and she glared back at him. "What are you looking at?"

The man said nothing and decided that standing further down the street suddenly seemed like a more pleasant alternative.

"Did you two enjoy the movie?" asked Emily, refocusing her attention on the two people standing in front of them. "And while we're on that, Lorelai, I must comment that it's not proper manners to talk when other people are trying to pay attention to what's happening on the screen."

"What?"

"I'm sure we all found it amazing that a small Chinese man could do all the things he does, but I really think it was unnecessary for you to state it out loud every time something interesting happens."

"He fought off six gun wielding henchmen while suspended upside down from a tight-rope eight feet off the ground. That alone, is worthy of three 'golly's ! You're lucky I only said it once."

"Well, if you want to consider that lucky. Now, if you don't mind," Emily turned to Luke. "I would actually like to have a decent conversation with someone capable of carrying out one."

"Larry King's here?" asked Lorelai, looking around.

"Lorelai, please, my ears hurt," Emily said. "Tell me, Luke…"

"Luke?" Lorelai repeated incredulously. "You were talking about Luke?"

"I believe she was," added Luke.

"Luke? The man standing here? Right next to me? This Luke?" Lorelai said, "All right mom, I really think you should stop visiting that crack house on the corner of Sixth and Eighth."

"And what is wrong with me talking to Luke?" Emily asked.

"Nothing, mother, unless you understand grunt."

"Hey!" protested Luke. "I'm standing right here."

"Yes, you are, and Lorelai is very rude to say what she said," Emily stated, "She's the type of girl people see and then blame the mother. You have no idea how hard it is to be me."

"I'm *also* standing right here," said Lorelai.

"I know," said Emily, "I can tell from the constant high-pitched noise ringing in my ears."

"Well, as a representative of the kettle, I find the pot's remarks to be highly insulting and totally uncalled for," said Lorelai.

Emily answered, but Richard walked up to them before she could say anything. Lorelai quietly thanked God, and nodded at her father.

"Are we ready to go, Emily?" Richard asked.

"I was just talking to Lorelai and her friend here," said Emily. "Or at least I was trying to."

"I give you an A for effort," said Lorelai. "However, you really need to work on your delivery."

"Actually," said Emily, "Richard and I were thinking of getting something to eat. It's a little late, but would you like to join us, Luke?"

"Well…" Luke looked at Lorelai and tried to gauge what would be the appropriate response. Her eyes said it all. "Erm, actually, I gonna have a long day tomorrow, so I think I'm going to call it a night. Thank you for the invitation anyway."

"All right then," Emily nodded as she and Richard turned to go. "I'll see you some other time than. Good night."

She and Richard walked away, leaving Luke at the hands of Lorelai.

"Ugh, can you believe that woman?" Lorelai fumed. "I just wanted to kick her in the head, and since these are new heels, you can understand how difficult it is for me to say something like that."

"She was just trying to have a conversation with you."

"Yeah, well, clearly she has never heard of this quote from a little book I like to call the *Bible*, which says, if you have nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all."

"That was Bambi."

"Bambi said that?"

"No, it was one of the rabbits."

"Yeah, well, whatever," said Lorelai. "And what's up with that whole inviting you to supper thing? Hello, I was right there, and I don't recall getting an invitation. I feel like David Schwimmer at the Emmy's."

"She was just being nice," Luke replied, "And I'm sure the you were impliedly invited."

"Impliedly invited?" Lorelai repeated, "Who impliedly invites people to supper? What, you just go around saying "You are impliedly invited to supper"?"

"No, if you say that, the invitation is no longer implied."

"Gah," said Lorelai. "So, what was it like to feel the love of Emily Gilmore? I am told it is an life-changing experience."

"She doesn't love me.'

"What? Come on, you were like Golden Boy just now," said Lorelai. "You're Ryan Adams to her Elton John, it's almost disgusting."

"Again, she was just being nice."

"That woman couldn't be nice to me if I were Mother Theresa," said Lorelai. "Lorelai dear, your wimple's wrinkled, and don't you think you could do much better than Calcutta?

"Can we go back now?"

"Ah, so the long journey home begins," said Lorelai as she and Luke began walking to his truck. "You know, what? I challenge you drive 5 miles an hour faster. Oh, what the hell, go crazy – hit twenty."

"Get in the truck."

"So, right, back to my mother," said Lorelai as she hopped into the passenger seat of the truck. Luke started the engine. "You know who I feel like? I feel like Natalie Portman in "Anywhere But Here", although I think I look younger and am much prettier."

"Of course you are," Luke replied monotonously.

"Speaking of Natalie Portman, what's the deal with her Queen Amidala make-up? I was like , 'whoa, girl, you've *totally* misunderstood the concept of foundation', you get what I mean?"

"Hardly, if ever."

"I mean, it's like, hello, the Victorian Era is on the phone and they want their entire supply of face powder back, thank you."

"You amaze me, you know that?"

"As you do me," said Lorelai, "Hey, look, that cyclist just sped past us, like a blur. He's like a blurry, spandex wearing, bicycle riding blur. Ooh, careful, that sweet girl and her wheelchair bound grandfather are edging in on us."

Luke sighed. "If I go faster, will you stop getting on my case?"

"You can go faster? Than this? Why? I mean, we're already traveling at the speed of light."

Luke stepped on the accelerator and the truck sped up. "You happy now?"

"As happy as one can be in a truck," Lorelai said, "Oy, that brings back memories."

"And we're back to disgusting."

"Hah," said Lorelai, "You're just miffed I got you to bend your little slow-drive-to-hell rule. So this is what it's like to use my feminine wiles to get my way. I've always wanted to try it. The result is strangely comforting."

"You didn't make me do anything," he insisted, "It just so happened that I wanted to drive a little faster anyways."

"If you overtake that Porsche," says Lorelai, pointing at the white car speeding ahead of them. "I'll let you look down my top."

"Are you crazy? That guy's probably hitting hundred."

"Okay, okay," said Lorelai, "I'll flash you, but only for a couple of seconds."

Luke sighed.

* * to be continued * *