EIGHT: GRUNT THREE TIMES AND GROWL
"How come Paris couldn't join us?" Lorelai asked, as she and Rory walked to Luke's that morning. "When I woke up, she was already gone. It's like she's one of those little fairies that you can only see at night."
"Oh, believe me, she's perfectly visible in the day," said Rory, "And if you see her like I do, you wouldn't even compare her to a fairy. Anyways, she wants to be at Chilton early so she can check if the new shipment of books have arrived at the library. She needs to do her pre-reading on today's classes."
"Scary."
"I know, that's what I thought," said Rory, "Because everybody knows you should always do your pre-reading at least two days earlier."
"I should put you in a cage and sell you to a freak show."
"Yeah, yeah." Rory pushed open the door to the diner and entered.
Lorelai followed, pausing for a moment to stare longingly at the muffins at that were on display on the counter. "Mmm, muffins."
"Wipe your drool," said Rory as she found them an empty table. "It's embarrassing."
"Well, I know what I'm having for breakfast," Lorelai said, "About three thousand muffins. What do you want?"
"Would pancakes be too much?"
"You always have pancakes, you need to have some variety. You can't have the same thing every day," said Lorelai. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my coffee."
Lorelai walked over to the counter where Luke was. "Hi. Coffee."
Luke nodded and poured some into a mug for her. Lorelai drummed her fingers noisily on the counter, waiting to see if he was going to mention something about the other night. He didn't.
"So, you had to leave early last night," said Lorelai.
"Oh, yeah," Luke replied, "Sorry about that. It's just that Jess was home alone, and you know… Sorry. I had a nice time, though, thanks."
Lorelai couldn't help but be a little bit annoyed. Sure, she spent the whole night trying to convince herself that nothing was going on, but it wouldn't hurt if he at least tried to prove her wrong.
Lorelai stared at him from the corner of her eye, pretending to be more interested in her coffee. She raised the mug to her lips, but for some reason the mug tipped forward and nearly spilt its contents on the counter. Lorelai managed to correct this in time, and gripped the mug firmly with two hands, preventing any coffee from spilling out. "Phew."
"What happened?" asked Luke, who had his back turned while it happened.
"Nothing," said Lorelai, "I just almost dropped my coffee. Almost. Nearly. I nearly dropped my coffee."
"Well, luckily you didn't."
"No, I didn't , but I *nearly* did," said Lorelai, leaning towards him. "Sure, nothing actually *happened*, physically, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about it. Or mention it. Or bring it up."
"Uh-huh."
"Sure, I mean, just because something *nearly* happened, we can't ignore it right?" Lorelai continued. "Because if we did that for everything, there would be no such thing as 'attempted murder'."
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, I'm not talking about anything," said Lorelai, "Except, you know, maybe, since I *nearly* dropped my coffee, I shouldn't pretend that it didn't happened, and act like everything's normal. I mean, maybe I like everything normal, and I like my coffee not dropped, and I'm happy, but that doesn't mean that I can ignore the fact that I *nearly* dropped my coffee and pretend that I never nearly dropped my coffee in the first place, because that's rude, that's irresponsible, and that's annoying!"
"Is there a point to this?"
"Oh, shut up and give me two muffins and make Rory her stupid pancakes," said Lorelai as she picked up her coffee and left her counter. "You're impossible."
"What?"
Lorelai went back to where Rory was sitting and put her coffee on the table angrily. "Ugh, that's so typical of him."
"You didn't get me my coffee," Rory noticed.
"I mean, I cannot believe him."
"I always have coffee in the morning."
"So, what, nothing happened?"
"Mom," said Rory, shaking her gently, "Is it time for that emergency lobotomy again? You forgot my coffee. And you're talking to yourself."
"I'm not talking to myself," said Lorelai, "I was talking to you, but with no particular interest in your response. And if you want your coffee you have to go back there and get it yourself, because there's no way I'm stepping foot behind that counter again."
"What did he say?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing," Lorelai whined, "He's pretending that nothing happened."
"Isn't that what you want?"
"No," said Lorelai, "I would like him to acknowledge something happened, and then say, that nothing has happened."
"You're insane."
"I'm not. It's insulting, the way he acts like nothing *nearly* happened."
"Oh, you know Luke, mom," said Rory. "He's probably uncomfortable talking about it, so it was either this, or grunt three times and growl at you."
"I'd prefer the grunting."
* * *
"Lorelai, you're late," said Emily as she swung open the door. "I've been waiting for you for ages now."
"Mom," said Lorelai, stepping in and hanging up her coat. Rory did the same. "We're like ten minutes late."
"You're a quarter of an hour late."
"Which is a fancy way of saying ten minutes late."
"A quarter of an hour is fifteen minutes."
"So give or take five minutes, what's the big deal? Rory got her hair stuck in the hairdryer again. It took three paramedics and an electrician, but we finally got the problem solved."
"Lorelai, stop being ridiculous," said Emily. "We all know the only reason you're here late is because you left late. Now hurry up, or I have to call Sarah to start making dinner all over again, because I refuse to eat reheated food."
"Where's Grandpa?" asked Rory.
"Your grandfather's off on one of his business trips again," sighed Emily, "One minute he's all free to watch a film, and the next minute he's flying somewhere again."
"If only we could all be so lucky."
"Lorelai don't be rude."
*
"Ooh," said Lorelai, as she stared at the piece of mouth-watering chocolate cake laid out in front of her. "Yummy."
"Sarah's cake is absolutely delicious," said Emily, motioning for Rory to eat it. "Try some."
Lorelai, on the other hand, needed no encouragement as she had already started on her slice.
"How come you don't call that Luke man over for dinner?" asked Emily suddenly.
"Uh-oh," mumbled Rory.
"I'm sorry, what?" Lorelai looked up from her cake eating.
"Luke. I'm sure you remember him. Big, tall, looks like an extra from 'Deliverance'."
"What about Luke, mom?" Lorelai's voice became ice cold.
"I like cake," said Rory, hoping to change the topic. "I have liked cake since I was very young."
"I'm just saying," said Emily, "It would be nice to have him over for dinner one of these days. He looks like a very nice man, and it seems that you two like each other very much so I …"
"Excuse me?"
"You know what else I like?" Rory interjected. "Pie. I like pie. Who else likes pie?"
"Well, Lorelai," Emily continued, regardless of Rory's off-tangent remarks, "You two are clearly fond of each other, and I just assumed it wouldn't be too inappropriate for him to …"
"Wouldn't be too inappropriate?" Lorelai echoed bitterly, "Yes, you're right. What you're doing is perfectly appropriate."
"I just want to know a little bit more about him, that's all," Emily obviously did not know when to stop – a typical Gilmore trait. "He works at that diner, doesn't he?"
"Well, that's his day job," said Lorelai, "But the real money comes from his pimping of underage girls."
"Lorelai, don't use language like that in front of Rory!"
"Please mom," said Lorelai in exasperation, "She's not retarded. Look. Pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp. No damage there."
"One day, we had cranberry pie at school, but when what it actually was was apple pie, and when everybody found out, there was an outrage," said Rory. "There was a petition and everything."
"For heaven's sake," said Emily, "I was just trying to have a decent conversation. Is that too much to ask?"
"World peace is not too much to ask," said Lorelai. "Wanting Freddie Prinze Jr. to win an Oscar is not too much to ask. But since you brought it up, yes, mother, having a decent conversation with you is too much to ask."
"There are various kinds of pie," Rory continued, "And if you were to ask me, I couldn't really tell you which is my favorite. Who can tell me their favorite kind of pie?"
"I don't see why you don't want to include me in your life."
"I'm not," Lorelai insisted, "It's just that there's nothing to talk about. Luke and I are friends, that's all. I'm so tired of saying that over and over again."
"Then why were you on a date with him the other night?"
"I was not. It was just a movie."
"Was there anyone else there?"
"No, but …"
"Did he pick you up?"
"Yes, but I could have…"
"Did he pay for your food?"
"The popcorn, I guess, but I would..."
"It's a date."
"No, it's not."
"Who wants to hear a funny story about pudding?" Rory asked. "Because I have two, possibly three, knee-slappers right here."
"Mom," Lorelai pointed at Rory, "Look what you're doing to Rory. You've driven her insane."
"Oh, please," Emily brushed off Lorelai's remark. "I didn't do anything. Rory, stop talking about dessert. There, cured."
"You've made her nuts."
"I see her once a week," Emily continued, "If anything, you're the one who has the biggest impact on her mental health, and frankly, looking at her in the past few minutes, I'm not very confident about the job you're doing."
"She acts fine at home."
"Will the both of you stop it?" Rory pushed her chair back and got up. "You're both making me crazy. If you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the sitting room, where you've finished tearing each other's throats out." Rory promptly walked out of the dining room.
There was a couple of minutes of awkward silence, before Emily commented. "She gets that kind of behavior from you, you know."
* *
A/N: Sorry, not much L/L interaction in this part, but I always thought it was more interesting to have Lorelai interact with other characters (especially Emily) instead of just Luke. Don't kill me.
More L/L coming up, I promise.
"How come Paris couldn't join us?" Lorelai asked, as she and Rory walked to Luke's that morning. "When I woke up, she was already gone. It's like she's one of those little fairies that you can only see at night."
"Oh, believe me, she's perfectly visible in the day," said Rory, "And if you see her like I do, you wouldn't even compare her to a fairy. Anyways, she wants to be at Chilton early so she can check if the new shipment of books have arrived at the library. She needs to do her pre-reading on today's classes."
"Scary."
"I know, that's what I thought," said Rory, "Because everybody knows you should always do your pre-reading at least two days earlier."
"I should put you in a cage and sell you to a freak show."
"Yeah, yeah." Rory pushed open the door to the diner and entered.
Lorelai followed, pausing for a moment to stare longingly at the muffins at that were on display on the counter. "Mmm, muffins."
"Wipe your drool," said Rory as she found them an empty table. "It's embarrassing."
"Well, I know what I'm having for breakfast," Lorelai said, "About three thousand muffins. What do you want?"
"Would pancakes be too much?"
"You always have pancakes, you need to have some variety. You can't have the same thing every day," said Lorelai. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my coffee."
Lorelai walked over to the counter where Luke was. "Hi. Coffee."
Luke nodded and poured some into a mug for her. Lorelai drummed her fingers noisily on the counter, waiting to see if he was going to mention something about the other night. He didn't.
"So, you had to leave early last night," said Lorelai.
"Oh, yeah," Luke replied, "Sorry about that. It's just that Jess was home alone, and you know… Sorry. I had a nice time, though, thanks."
Lorelai couldn't help but be a little bit annoyed. Sure, she spent the whole night trying to convince herself that nothing was going on, but it wouldn't hurt if he at least tried to prove her wrong.
Lorelai stared at him from the corner of her eye, pretending to be more interested in her coffee. She raised the mug to her lips, but for some reason the mug tipped forward and nearly spilt its contents on the counter. Lorelai managed to correct this in time, and gripped the mug firmly with two hands, preventing any coffee from spilling out. "Phew."
"What happened?" asked Luke, who had his back turned while it happened.
"Nothing," said Lorelai, "I just almost dropped my coffee. Almost. Nearly. I nearly dropped my coffee."
"Well, luckily you didn't."
"No, I didn't , but I *nearly* did," said Lorelai, leaning towards him. "Sure, nothing actually *happened*, physically, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about it. Or mention it. Or bring it up."
"Uh-huh."
"Sure, I mean, just because something *nearly* happened, we can't ignore it right?" Lorelai continued. "Because if we did that for everything, there would be no such thing as 'attempted murder'."
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, I'm not talking about anything," said Lorelai, "Except, you know, maybe, since I *nearly* dropped my coffee, I shouldn't pretend that it didn't happened, and act like everything's normal. I mean, maybe I like everything normal, and I like my coffee not dropped, and I'm happy, but that doesn't mean that I can ignore the fact that I *nearly* dropped my coffee and pretend that I never nearly dropped my coffee in the first place, because that's rude, that's irresponsible, and that's annoying!"
"Is there a point to this?"
"Oh, shut up and give me two muffins and make Rory her stupid pancakes," said Lorelai as she picked up her coffee and left her counter. "You're impossible."
"What?"
Lorelai went back to where Rory was sitting and put her coffee on the table angrily. "Ugh, that's so typical of him."
"You didn't get me my coffee," Rory noticed.
"I mean, I cannot believe him."
"I always have coffee in the morning."
"So, what, nothing happened?"
"Mom," said Rory, shaking her gently, "Is it time for that emergency lobotomy again? You forgot my coffee. And you're talking to yourself."
"I'm not talking to myself," said Lorelai, "I was talking to you, but with no particular interest in your response. And if you want your coffee you have to go back there and get it yourself, because there's no way I'm stepping foot behind that counter again."
"What did he say?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing," Lorelai whined, "He's pretending that nothing happened."
"Isn't that what you want?"
"No," said Lorelai, "I would like him to acknowledge something happened, and then say, that nothing has happened."
"You're insane."
"I'm not. It's insulting, the way he acts like nothing *nearly* happened."
"Oh, you know Luke, mom," said Rory. "He's probably uncomfortable talking about it, so it was either this, or grunt three times and growl at you."
"I'd prefer the grunting."
* * *
"Lorelai, you're late," said Emily as she swung open the door. "I've been waiting for you for ages now."
"Mom," said Lorelai, stepping in and hanging up her coat. Rory did the same. "We're like ten minutes late."
"You're a quarter of an hour late."
"Which is a fancy way of saying ten minutes late."
"A quarter of an hour is fifteen minutes."
"So give or take five minutes, what's the big deal? Rory got her hair stuck in the hairdryer again. It took three paramedics and an electrician, but we finally got the problem solved."
"Lorelai, stop being ridiculous," said Emily. "We all know the only reason you're here late is because you left late. Now hurry up, or I have to call Sarah to start making dinner all over again, because I refuse to eat reheated food."
"Where's Grandpa?" asked Rory.
"Your grandfather's off on one of his business trips again," sighed Emily, "One minute he's all free to watch a film, and the next minute he's flying somewhere again."
"If only we could all be so lucky."
"Lorelai don't be rude."
*
"Ooh," said Lorelai, as she stared at the piece of mouth-watering chocolate cake laid out in front of her. "Yummy."
"Sarah's cake is absolutely delicious," said Emily, motioning for Rory to eat it. "Try some."
Lorelai, on the other hand, needed no encouragement as she had already started on her slice.
"How come you don't call that Luke man over for dinner?" asked Emily suddenly.
"Uh-oh," mumbled Rory.
"I'm sorry, what?" Lorelai looked up from her cake eating.
"Luke. I'm sure you remember him. Big, tall, looks like an extra from 'Deliverance'."
"What about Luke, mom?" Lorelai's voice became ice cold.
"I like cake," said Rory, hoping to change the topic. "I have liked cake since I was very young."
"I'm just saying," said Emily, "It would be nice to have him over for dinner one of these days. He looks like a very nice man, and it seems that you two like each other very much so I …"
"Excuse me?"
"You know what else I like?" Rory interjected. "Pie. I like pie. Who else likes pie?"
"Well, Lorelai," Emily continued, regardless of Rory's off-tangent remarks, "You two are clearly fond of each other, and I just assumed it wouldn't be too inappropriate for him to …"
"Wouldn't be too inappropriate?" Lorelai echoed bitterly, "Yes, you're right. What you're doing is perfectly appropriate."
"I just want to know a little bit more about him, that's all," Emily obviously did not know when to stop – a typical Gilmore trait. "He works at that diner, doesn't he?"
"Well, that's his day job," said Lorelai, "But the real money comes from his pimping of underage girls."
"Lorelai, don't use language like that in front of Rory!"
"Please mom," said Lorelai in exasperation, "She's not retarded. Look. Pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp. No damage there."
"One day, we had cranberry pie at school, but when what it actually was was apple pie, and when everybody found out, there was an outrage," said Rory. "There was a petition and everything."
"For heaven's sake," said Emily, "I was just trying to have a decent conversation. Is that too much to ask?"
"World peace is not too much to ask," said Lorelai. "Wanting Freddie Prinze Jr. to win an Oscar is not too much to ask. But since you brought it up, yes, mother, having a decent conversation with you is too much to ask."
"There are various kinds of pie," Rory continued, "And if you were to ask me, I couldn't really tell you which is my favorite. Who can tell me their favorite kind of pie?"
"I don't see why you don't want to include me in your life."
"I'm not," Lorelai insisted, "It's just that there's nothing to talk about. Luke and I are friends, that's all. I'm so tired of saying that over and over again."
"Then why were you on a date with him the other night?"
"I was not. It was just a movie."
"Was there anyone else there?"
"No, but …"
"Did he pick you up?"
"Yes, but I could have…"
"Did he pay for your food?"
"The popcorn, I guess, but I would..."
"It's a date."
"No, it's not."
"Who wants to hear a funny story about pudding?" Rory asked. "Because I have two, possibly three, knee-slappers right here."
"Mom," Lorelai pointed at Rory, "Look what you're doing to Rory. You've driven her insane."
"Oh, please," Emily brushed off Lorelai's remark. "I didn't do anything. Rory, stop talking about dessert. There, cured."
"You've made her nuts."
"I see her once a week," Emily continued, "If anything, you're the one who has the biggest impact on her mental health, and frankly, looking at her in the past few minutes, I'm not very confident about the job you're doing."
"She acts fine at home."
"Will the both of you stop it?" Rory pushed her chair back and got up. "You're both making me crazy. If you'll excuse me, I'm going out to the sitting room, where you've finished tearing each other's throats out." Rory promptly walked out of the dining room.
There was a couple of minutes of awkward silence, before Emily commented. "She gets that kind of behavior from you, you know."
* *
A/N: Sorry, not much L/L interaction in this part, but I always thought it was more interesting to have Lorelai interact with other characters (especially Emily) instead of just Luke. Don't kill me.
More L/L coming up, I promise.