NINE: TOUCH MY BAGEL
Note: Thank you guys for all the reviews! I love them, every single one. Keep them coming; you make me feel happy. And when I'm happy, the world is a better place.
------
Lorelai poked at her cake with the silver fork. She and her mother had not spoken a word to each other since Rory left.
Emily put her fork down in exasperation, her untouched slice of cake staring blankly back at her. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Lorelai, this is ridiculous."
"Please, mom, I'm trying to finish my dessert."
"Why do you always act like this?"
"Been taking lessons from Angie Dickinson."
"You can't answer questions like a normal human being, can you?" Emily sighed. "All I wanted to do was have a decent conversation, and you had to go act like a child and make Rory ramble on about pie and cake and dessert, and I think you've now successfully halved her IQ."
"Ugh, that is so slanderous," Lorelai said, "I intend to storm out of here the minute I finish eating my cake. You watch me. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here, sister." She cut a piece of the cake with her fork and stuffed it into her mouth.
"Stop eating like that," Emily insisted, "You look like you just came in from a refugee camp."
"Do you always have to pass judgment on everything I do?"
"I don't pass judgment, don't be ridiculous, Lorelai. And sit up straight. If you keep slouching, it'll ruin your back, you'll get a bad posture, and nobody is going to want to marry you. It's not like you don't have enough things working against you in that area as it is."
"Aha!" said Lorelai, between bites of her rapidly finishing cake. "There you go, judge, judge, judge. You're Judge Judy, only difference is I don't have the pleasure of switching channels, or muting you."
"Lorelai…"
"You should be on The Practice."
"Lorelai."
"Wait, I have one more," said Lorelai, "You were the inspiration behind Judge Dredd."
"Lorelai, stop that. Why can't I ask Luke to come over for dinner?" Emily began again.
"Oh, look, I've finished my cake," said Lorelai, getting up. "I will now commence the storming out."
"Lorelai, sit down," said Emily. "I was just asking an innocent question. It's not like I'm telling you to marry him. Although, if he asks, I would say yes because I don't think you'd be spoilt for choice in the years to come. "
"Mom, can we not go through this again?" Lorelai said, "Luke and I are just friends. Man, am I'm tired of saying that. I think I'll record that phrase and mail it you so you can talk to it and press a little button to hear the same response I always give you."
"Don't be absurd, you know I hate talking to machines," said Emily. "He seems like a nice man, that's all. A little too country for me, but you take what you can get."
"All rise for Judge Gilmore."
"I don't mean that negatively," said Emily, "I'm sure he's positively charming in his Hill-Billy sort of way. You talk about him all the time, I just thought if he was such a big part of your life, I should get to meet him."
"You've met him."
"Yes, but not in a proper social setting," Emily said, "That's why I was thinking of inviting him over for our Friday night dinners."
"Gee, I don't know, Friday is normally hayride day back at the barn," Lorelai replied, "Look, mom, I know mean good, as unbelievable as that may sound, but Luke and I are exactly what I say we are. If and when that ever changes, then, maybe, I'll let you know, and you take it from there. Can we just enjoy the rest of the night? I already have to up Rory's valium intake after her little outburst just now."
"All right," said Emily, "But this isn't the last of it."
"It never is."
*
"So, I'm glad you and Grandma worked things out," said Rory on the drive home. "I was afraid you were going to go postal on each other."
"It's fine, for now," said Lorelai, "But I really think we should get her a gavel for Christmas this year."
"Done," said Rory. "It's better than that thong idea you had last month."
"Hello, that would have been perfect," said Lorelai, "Can you imagine her face?"
"I'd rather not," Rory said, "I think I'm already in enough trouble with her after screaming at her tonight."
"Oh, she's over that," said Lorelai, "I just had to promise she would be consulted on all aspects of your medication from now on."
"That's comforting. So what are you going to do about Luke?"
"Aww, not you too. I'll have to mail you that recording as well."
"What recording?"
"Never mind," said Lorelai. "Why is everybody so interested in me and Luke?"
"Ever since Roswell was taken off the air, we've had to find other sources of entertainment."
"I don't know what I'm going to do," said Lorelai. "I'll probably just drop by the diner tonight. You think he'll be sick of me by now?"
"You know he loves it when you're there," said Rory, "He once told me when he met you, suddenly, he understood what Celine Dion was singing about all this while."
"You think you're funny, but you're not," said Lorelai, "You're like Conan O'Brien."
"What a mean thing to say," said Rory, "So, what are you going to tell Luke?"
"Are we still on this topic?"
"No, I was talking about Luke Perry," Rory said, "It's been a while since 90210, but when you do run into him, what are you going to say?"
"With careful maneuvering," said Lorelai, "I can swerve this car into that traffic light in such a way that only you end up impaled and I escape unharmed."
"You're satanic," said Rory. "And you didn't answer my question."
"About Luke Perry?"
"About Luke."
"Perry?"
"Mom..."
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "I don't exactly have a speech prepared, if that's what you mean. I'll just wing it."
"God."
"What?"
"We all know what happens when you wing things."
"What? What happens?"
"First," said Rory, "You start out on topic, then you start making these obscure pop culture references in an attempt to be witty, and then that suddenly degenerates into you complaining about something meaningless, and the person you're talking to wants to hide in the basement until you go away."
"That is so not true," said Lorelai, "And I must say that I am gravely offended. Go to you room."
"We're in the jeep. On the highway."
"Then when we get home, you go straight to your room. I'm sending you to bed without supper."
"I'm glad you're taking the Enid Blyton approach to parenting."
"Yeah, well," said Lorelai. "Whatever."
"Good comeback."
*
Lorelai entered the diner, and she spotted Luke and Jess at the counter, cleaning up.
"Hey," she said as she walked up to them. "Had a sudden craving for a late night coffee and a bagel. You mind?"
"I just cleaned up everything," said Jess.
"That's okay," said Luke, as he grabbed a mug of coffee from behind the counter and filled it. He put a bagel on a plate and pushed it to Lorelai. "There you go."
"Fine," said Jess, "Don't listen to what *I* say. What does it matter? I just spent the past hour washing all the damn mugs and plates."
"I'll wash these up myself, okay, Cinderella?" Lorelai said.
"Where's Rory?" asked Luke.
"Oh, she couldn't come," said Lorelai, tearing into her bagel, "She wanted to, but she changed her mind at the last minute. She decided to spend the night touching up some of her assignments, so she'll have enough time to do her extra coursework tomorrow. Go figure."
"So, she nearly came."
"Yeah."
"So you want to talk about that?" said Luke, leaning over the counter. "Because , you know, just because she nearly came with you, but didn't in the end, that doesn't mean we can ignore it and pretend she never wanted to come in the first place."
"Ooh, so this is what my own medicine tastes like," Lorelai said. "I don't care for it."
"You've had it once, I've had to put up with it for years," he answered with a slight smile. "You'll get used to it."
"Ugh," mumbled Jess in the corner, "Just do it already."
"Go to your room," said Luke sternly.
"It's a Friday night," said Jess, "I'm not going to my room. I'm going out."
"Where?"
"I don't know," said Jess, "Maybe volunteer at the soup kitchen, or see if the Church is still open. Haven't prayed today yet."
"Be back by one."
"Yeah, whatever," said Jess, throwing his apron on the counter, "See you."
Lorelai turned back and watched him go. "Bright ray of sunshine, isn't he?"
"Yup," said Luke, "I thank God for him everyday. Hey, you finished your bagel."
"Do you have another one?" Lorelai pushed her plate forward. "You would think that I wouldn't be hungry. I had the biggest meal at Judgmental City tonight."
"Oh, yeah," Luke placed another bagel on her plate, "How's your mom?"
"Do you mean mentally?"
"I mean in general."
"She's fine," said Lorelai, "Though I'm using that term lightly. She wants to see you next Friday."
"Really?" Luke looked surprised. "That's unexpected."
"You're telling me."
"Should I bring anything?"
Lorelai gasped. "That's not funny."
"What?" Luke grinned, "When someone asks you to dinner, the polite thing is to accept. Should I wear my red flannel or my blue?"
"How about the red one, it would look good with your bloodied face once I'm done with you."
"I'm scared, believe me," said Luke, "I'm just kidding. If you don't want me there, I won't go. Just tell your mother I had something else to do then."
"It's not that I don't want you there," Lorelai explained, "It's just that my mother can be a little too much to handle. I'd much rather keep her out of my Stars Hollow life, if you understand."
"Hey, no problem."
"I don't like this bagel," said Lorelai, after biting into her second bagel, "It tastes funny."
"It's identical to the one you devoured a few seconds ago."
"Can I get another one?" Lorelai asked, "Put this one back."
"You just bit into it, I'm not putting it back. Finish the bagel, don't waste it."
"I don't like it. You have it."
"I don't eat bagels."
"Close your eyes and pretend it's a salad."
"Lorelai, I'm not touching your bagel."
"Ooh, that sounds so dirty, I bet you say that to all the girls."
"Only the ones that don't finish eating what I serve them."
"Come on Luke," said Lorelai, "It tastes funny. This bagel is old, and it's moldy – like Alec Baldwin's career."
"There aren't any more bagels left," said Luke. "That's the last one."
"Can I have a muffin?"
"Fine," said Luke reluctantly, handing her a muffin from the display case on the counter. "You'd better finish it this time."
"Promise," said Lorelai, as she took a bite of her muffin. She made a face, and swallowed. "For the next one. I'll eat the next one."
"What's wrong with this muffin?"
"It's has too much flour. It tastes… like flour."
"Very articulate," said Luke, "But that's all the muffins you're going to get. I'm not running a factory here. If you finish that, and if you're still hungry, maybe I'll give you a slice of pie."
"I'll pass," said Lorelai, pushing away the muffin, "No pie is worth that."
"You insulting my muffins?" Luke asked, "A lot of people love my muffins."
"And we're back to talking dirty again," Lorelai feigned a sigh. "Can't you get your mind out of the gutter for half a second?"
"Just drink your coffee, Lorelai."
---
* to be continued * - will Lorelai and Luke have … "The Talk"? Or will I drag things out longer than I have to? Am I evil? Do you love me? There are many questions, if only we had the answers.
I'm sorry, I think it's the cough medicine talking.
Note: Thank you guys for all the reviews! I love them, every single one. Keep them coming; you make me feel happy. And when I'm happy, the world is a better place.
------
Lorelai poked at her cake with the silver fork. She and her mother had not spoken a word to each other since Rory left.
Emily put her fork down in exasperation, her untouched slice of cake staring blankly back at her. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Lorelai, this is ridiculous."
"Please, mom, I'm trying to finish my dessert."
"Why do you always act like this?"
"Been taking lessons from Angie Dickinson."
"You can't answer questions like a normal human being, can you?" Emily sighed. "All I wanted to do was have a decent conversation, and you had to go act like a child and make Rory ramble on about pie and cake and dessert, and I think you've now successfully halved her IQ."
"Ugh, that is so slanderous," Lorelai said, "I intend to storm out of here the minute I finish eating my cake. You watch me. As soon as I'm done, I'm out of here, sister." She cut a piece of the cake with her fork and stuffed it into her mouth.
"Stop eating like that," Emily insisted, "You look like you just came in from a refugee camp."
"Do you always have to pass judgment on everything I do?"
"I don't pass judgment, don't be ridiculous, Lorelai. And sit up straight. If you keep slouching, it'll ruin your back, you'll get a bad posture, and nobody is going to want to marry you. It's not like you don't have enough things working against you in that area as it is."
"Aha!" said Lorelai, between bites of her rapidly finishing cake. "There you go, judge, judge, judge. You're Judge Judy, only difference is I don't have the pleasure of switching channels, or muting you."
"Lorelai…"
"You should be on The Practice."
"Lorelai."
"Wait, I have one more," said Lorelai, "You were the inspiration behind Judge Dredd."
"Lorelai, stop that. Why can't I ask Luke to come over for dinner?" Emily began again.
"Oh, look, I've finished my cake," said Lorelai, getting up. "I will now commence the storming out."
"Lorelai, sit down," said Emily. "I was just asking an innocent question. It's not like I'm telling you to marry him. Although, if he asks, I would say yes because I don't think you'd be spoilt for choice in the years to come. "
"Mom, can we not go through this again?" Lorelai said, "Luke and I are just friends. Man, am I'm tired of saying that. I think I'll record that phrase and mail it you so you can talk to it and press a little button to hear the same response I always give you."
"Don't be absurd, you know I hate talking to machines," said Emily. "He seems like a nice man, that's all. A little too country for me, but you take what you can get."
"All rise for Judge Gilmore."
"I don't mean that negatively," said Emily, "I'm sure he's positively charming in his Hill-Billy sort of way. You talk about him all the time, I just thought if he was such a big part of your life, I should get to meet him."
"You've met him."
"Yes, but not in a proper social setting," Emily said, "That's why I was thinking of inviting him over for our Friday night dinners."
"Gee, I don't know, Friday is normally hayride day back at the barn," Lorelai replied, "Look, mom, I know mean good, as unbelievable as that may sound, but Luke and I are exactly what I say we are. If and when that ever changes, then, maybe, I'll let you know, and you take it from there. Can we just enjoy the rest of the night? I already have to up Rory's valium intake after her little outburst just now."
"All right," said Emily, "But this isn't the last of it."
"It never is."
*
"So, I'm glad you and Grandma worked things out," said Rory on the drive home. "I was afraid you were going to go postal on each other."
"It's fine, for now," said Lorelai, "But I really think we should get her a gavel for Christmas this year."
"Done," said Rory. "It's better than that thong idea you had last month."
"Hello, that would have been perfect," said Lorelai, "Can you imagine her face?"
"I'd rather not," Rory said, "I think I'm already in enough trouble with her after screaming at her tonight."
"Oh, she's over that," said Lorelai, "I just had to promise she would be consulted on all aspects of your medication from now on."
"That's comforting. So what are you going to do about Luke?"
"Aww, not you too. I'll have to mail you that recording as well."
"What recording?"
"Never mind," said Lorelai. "Why is everybody so interested in me and Luke?"
"Ever since Roswell was taken off the air, we've had to find other sources of entertainment."
"I don't know what I'm going to do," said Lorelai. "I'll probably just drop by the diner tonight. You think he'll be sick of me by now?"
"You know he loves it when you're there," said Rory, "He once told me when he met you, suddenly, he understood what Celine Dion was singing about all this while."
"You think you're funny, but you're not," said Lorelai, "You're like Conan O'Brien."
"What a mean thing to say," said Rory, "So, what are you going to tell Luke?"
"Are we still on this topic?"
"No, I was talking about Luke Perry," Rory said, "It's been a while since 90210, but when you do run into him, what are you going to say?"
"With careful maneuvering," said Lorelai, "I can swerve this car into that traffic light in such a way that only you end up impaled and I escape unharmed."
"You're satanic," said Rory. "And you didn't answer my question."
"About Luke Perry?"
"About Luke."
"Perry?"
"Mom..."
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "I don't exactly have a speech prepared, if that's what you mean. I'll just wing it."
"God."
"What?"
"We all know what happens when you wing things."
"What? What happens?"
"First," said Rory, "You start out on topic, then you start making these obscure pop culture references in an attempt to be witty, and then that suddenly degenerates into you complaining about something meaningless, and the person you're talking to wants to hide in the basement until you go away."
"That is so not true," said Lorelai, "And I must say that I am gravely offended. Go to you room."
"We're in the jeep. On the highway."
"Then when we get home, you go straight to your room. I'm sending you to bed without supper."
"I'm glad you're taking the Enid Blyton approach to parenting."
"Yeah, well," said Lorelai. "Whatever."
"Good comeback."
*
Lorelai entered the diner, and she spotted Luke and Jess at the counter, cleaning up.
"Hey," she said as she walked up to them. "Had a sudden craving for a late night coffee and a bagel. You mind?"
"I just cleaned up everything," said Jess.
"That's okay," said Luke, as he grabbed a mug of coffee from behind the counter and filled it. He put a bagel on a plate and pushed it to Lorelai. "There you go."
"Fine," said Jess, "Don't listen to what *I* say. What does it matter? I just spent the past hour washing all the damn mugs and plates."
"I'll wash these up myself, okay, Cinderella?" Lorelai said.
"Where's Rory?" asked Luke.
"Oh, she couldn't come," said Lorelai, tearing into her bagel, "She wanted to, but she changed her mind at the last minute. She decided to spend the night touching up some of her assignments, so she'll have enough time to do her extra coursework tomorrow. Go figure."
"So, she nearly came."
"Yeah."
"So you want to talk about that?" said Luke, leaning over the counter. "Because , you know, just because she nearly came with you, but didn't in the end, that doesn't mean we can ignore it and pretend she never wanted to come in the first place."
"Ooh, so this is what my own medicine tastes like," Lorelai said. "I don't care for it."
"You've had it once, I've had to put up with it for years," he answered with a slight smile. "You'll get used to it."
"Ugh," mumbled Jess in the corner, "Just do it already."
"Go to your room," said Luke sternly.
"It's a Friday night," said Jess, "I'm not going to my room. I'm going out."
"Where?"
"I don't know," said Jess, "Maybe volunteer at the soup kitchen, or see if the Church is still open. Haven't prayed today yet."
"Be back by one."
"Yeah, whatever," said Jess, throwing his apron on the counter, "See you."
Lorelai turned back and watched him go. "Bright ray of sunshine, isn't he?"
"Yup," said Luke, "I thank God for him everyday. Hey, you finished your bagel."
"Do you have another one?" Lorelai pushed her plate forward. "You would think that I wouldn't be hungry. I had the biggest meal at Judgmental City tonight."
"Oh, yeah," Luke placed another bagel on her plate, "How's your mom?"
"Do you mean mentally?"
"I mean in general."
"She's fine," said Lorelai, "Though I'm using that term lightly. She wants to see you next Friday."
"Really?" Luke looked surprised. "That's unexpected."
"You're telling me."
"Should I bring anything?"
Lorelai gasped. "That's not funny."
"What?" Luke grinned, "When someone asks you to dinner, the polite thing is to accept. Should I wear my red flannel or my blue?"
"How about the red one, it would look good with your bloodied face once I'm done with you."
"I'm scared, believe me," said Luke, "I'm just kidding. If you don't want me there, I won't go. Just tell your mother I had something else to do then."
"It's not that I don't want you there," Lorelai explained, "It's just that my mother can be a little too much to handle. I'd much rather keep her out of my Stars Hollow life, if you understand."
"Hey, no problem."
"I don't like this bagel," said Lorelai, after biting into her second bagel, "It tastes funny."
"It's identical to the one you devoured a few seconds ago."
"Can I get another one?" Lorelai asked, "Put this one back."
"You just bit into it, I'm not putting it back. Finish the bagel, don't waste it."
"I don't like it. You have it."
"I don't eat bagels."
"Close your eyes and pretend it's a salad."
"Lorelai, I'm not touching your bagel."
"Ooh, that sounds so dirty, I bet you say that to all the girls."
"Only the ones that don't finish eating what I serve them."
"Come on Luke," said Lorelai, "It tastes funny. This bagel is old, and it's moldy – like Alec Baldwin's career."
"There aren't any more bagels left," said Luke. "That's the last one."
"Can I have a muffin?"
"Fine," said Luke reluctantly, handing her a muffin from the display case on the counter. "You'd better finish it this time."
"Promise," said Lorelai, as she took a bite of her muffin. She made a face, and swallowed. "For the next one. I'll eat the next one."
"What's wrong with this muffin?"
"It's has too much flour. It tastes… like flour."
"Very articulate," said Luke, "But that's all the muffins you're going to get. I'm not running a factory here. If you finish that, and if you're still hungry, maybe I'll give you a slice of pie."
"I'll pass," said Lorelai, pushing away the muffin, "No pie is worth that."
"You insulting my muffins?" Luke asked, "A lot of people love my muffins."
"And we're back to talking dirty again," Lorelai feigned a sigh. "Can't you get your mind out of the gutter for half a second?"
"Just drink your coffee, Lorelai."
---
* to be continued * - will Lorelai and Luke have … "The Talk"? Or will I drag things out longer than I have to? Am I evil? Do you love me? There are many questions, if only we had the answers.
I'm sorry, I think it's the cough medicine talking.