Title: Lord of the Stakes
Author: Cloud9
Summary: Buffy finds a powerful magic ring. She forms a fellowship, and journeys to the Hellmouth to throw it in (The ring, not the fellowship).
Rating: PG 13. No wait, lemme make it R just to be safe. There's mild swearing you see. And the corniest sexual innuendo you'll find outside of a guy's locker room.
Time Frame: It's an alternate dimension, but I started writing this just after "Once More with Feeling", and finished it around "Doublemeat Palace", so it's based around there.
Disclaimer: None of it's mine, it's Joss Whedon's and Christopher Tolkien's and Peter Jackson's and other people I've forgotten to mention. Don't let that stop you from sending me money. I'll make sure the appropriate people get it. Really. (Insert Anya smile here.)
Author's Note: Maybe it was the waiting for the new "Lord of the Rings" movie, but the whole idea of putting the "Buffy" characters in the "Fellowship of the Ring" movie just seemed appealing. I really love these characters, so any crap I put them through is just good-natured fun. Also, I know it's long, but as you can see I'm a rambler. Hopefully a funny rambler.
Feedback: Bring it on! It's my first fanfic, so I have to know whether to write more or uninstall my Word program forever. So get feeding or backing, whatever. Please.
Previously on Buffy:
VO. OF ONE OF THE CHARACTERS: One Slayer to slay them all
One Watcher to find them
One Witch to magick them all
And a bunch of others to hide behind them
In an age long ago, the age of the Second Season, some smartass magical type person decided to forge a bunch of rings of great power, just the kind of magical objects that bad guys will end up using for their own evil ends. They were given out to various kings and queens and rulers in general, who were told to keep them safe from evil. But in the depths of the Hellmouth, the evil Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here forged their own ring, which could control the others. A great big bloody war broke out as the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here tried to enslave the world. Some humans and good creatures decided to band together and offered resistance. A spectacular Final Battle took place.
(The Battle Scene should be represented by a close-up of three people fighting a couple of demons, with the sounds of clangs and screams in the background. This will save money necessary for the more important stuff – Buffy's wardrobe. )
The good guys won of course, with the slayer at the time lopping off the Master's/Mayor's/Adam's/Glory's/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's Name-Here's ring finger, and defeating him/her/it.
(Bloodless shot of a finger being lopped off, since this is family viewing.)
The slayer had a chance to destroy the Ring forever, but that would mean no plot for the entire next season, so she didn't. She kept it, but the Ring deceived her and she was killed on the way to a jeweller to get it appraised.
(Nameless extra with arrow in back floats about.)
History became legend, legend became myth, and some things that should not have been forgotten (except by addicted fans who speculated endlessly on what might happen) were lost. The Ring got bored of sitting at the bottom of the river however, and decided to find itself some action. It allowed itself to be found.
(A well-manicured, black nail-polished hand picks up the Ring, and a female, cockney, mad voice is heard saying "My Precious".)
The Ring began speaking to the creature through a doll, and thus corrupted it. But then something the Ring hadn't counted on happened. A most unlikely creature found it.
(While the cockney sucks a museum guard's blood, the Ring falls out and rolls away, hoping to be found by the most corruptible of people, a bored schoolkid on a museum fieldtrip. Instead it is found by a blonde middle-aged woman.)
JOYCE: Oh look, a priceless gold ring. It must have fallen out of one of the display cases. Let me do what any decent museum employee would do, take it home and keep it myself.
VO.: More time passed, but since it's been about ten minutes into the prologue and Buffy hasn't even appeared, we'll skip that and finally start the damn episode. We find ourselves in the peaceful (except for all the demons and vampires) village of Sunnydale or The Dale as it is known.
(A cart being driven by a wise man with glasses pulls into view, passing a sign saying "WELCOME TO SUNNYDALE: THIS WEEK'S POPULATION 14 866". An unbelievably small person wearing strange clothing appears at the side of the road.)
BUFFY: Major latetitude Giles, it's already ten minutes into the prologue, and the theme music hasn't even played.
GILES: I wouldn't talk about being late Buffy Baggins, anyway a watcher is never late. They always show up exactly on time, right after all the vampires have been slain and it's safe.
(Buffy grins at the wise watcher Giles the Grey, and jumps him, sorry, jumps on him and gives him a hug. Giles hugs back, in a fatherly sort of way of course. There is no time for dialogue as we cut to the next scene. Joyce is celebrating her birthday and addressing all her friends, all three of them who haven't been killed)
JOYCE: I have truly loved living here on the Dale, especially since I have shares in the only funeral home in town. Now let me do what you all have been wishing I'd do for the last five years and disappear.
(Joyce disappears, but since this is Sunnydale, nobody cares. She reappears back at her house.)
BUFFY: Mom, you disappeared, and I thought you might have been taken to another dimension.
JOYCE: No, just turning invisible with my ring.
BUFFY: How out of character of you. Have you got a brain tumour? Are you going to die?
JOYCE: Don't be ridiculous dear, people don't die of natural causes in the Dale. Just because I've been here five years and haven't had my name on the main credits doesn't mean I'm going to die.
BUFFY: That's a relief, since I'm economically incompetent.
JOYCE: I'm being typecast however, and have decided to leave the Dale for good, and go to Rivendull. The house and magical ring is yours. Take care of your brother dear.
BUFFY: Sister mom, sister.
JOYCE: That's right, little Don. Goodbye.
(Joyce picks up her stick with a bag tied to it, and walks out. Giles walks in.)
GILES: Has your mother left? Oh cripes, one of the few women I've shagged gone. She called me Rupie you know
BUFFY: Eeew, disgusting mental image of my mother and father figure doing the nasty!
GILES: On that very table you're sitting at as a matter of fact.
BUFFY: EEEWWW!!
GILES: Hmm, unusual ring…
BUFFY: Yeah, mom left it for me. I figure it's gold or something, but since I failed science at high school, I wouldn't know.
GILES: Intriguing.
BUFFY: Well, a Wakkawakka demon attacked when I was supposed to be writing the exam.
GILES: I mean the ring. May I examine it?
BUFFY: Here. With mom gone I'm so glad you're here Giles, I don't know what I would do if you were to leave.
GILES: I've got to leave. Keep the ring safe. Goodbye Buffy, take care of Dennie.
(Giles rides off to the Magick Box, and looks in his many books. His face becomes even more bemused and serious than it usually is.)
GILES: Good Lord, I must warn Buffy.
(He rides back to Buffy's house, who has just come back from slaying a two metre tall Punani Demon.)
GILES: Buffy, throw the ring into the fire.
(Buffy throws the ring into the fire where it melts.)
BUFFY: There goes the antique wedding ring that used to belong to my grandmother.
GILES: The other ring, the one that turns people invisible.
(She throws the ring in, and writing appears on its surface.)
BUFFY: What strange and mysterious writing is that Giles?
GILES: That is English, something you would have known had you gone to school once in a while.
BUFFY: Slayers never have time for education, that's why they die so young, unemployed and unable to buy food.
GILES: This is the One Ring. It is evil. Bad guys called Dark Riders will be after you.
BUFFY: The story of my life.
GILES: Do not let them catch you, for no mortal weapon can harm them. You must sneak away from the Dale, and go to an inn close to my heart, the Inn of the Prancing Pommie. I will meet you there.
BUFFY: Aren't you coming with me?
GILES: With the Dark Riders after you? No way, I'll be going back to the Watcher Council where it's safe…I mean, to find out more about the Ring.
BUFFY: But how will the show's witty and clever dialogue take place if I go alone?
GILES: You're right, you need someone to accompany you.
(Giles goes to the window and pulls a puffy hobbit inside.)
GILES: Xander Gamgee, what were you doing there?
XANDER: Construction work of course. What else would I be doing? Perving over Buffy? Waiting for everybody to leave so I can check the fridge?
GILES: Listening in to our top secret conversation perhaps.
XANDER: Definitely not. Anyway how top secret can it be, you two have been talking loud enough to wake the dead.
(A bunch of woken up vampires appear and Buffy slays them all. Giles turns towards Xander with a stern gaze.)
GILES: You will have to go with Buffy to The Prancing Pommie. Guard her well young Xander.
BUFFY: Him guard me? That wimp? I could take him blindfolded and using my pinky finger.
XANDER: Hey!
(Buffy closes her eyes and knocks Xander unconscious using her pinky finger.)
GILES: Go Buffy, time is of the essence. We have only forty-five minute episodes.
(Buffy picks up Xander and the ring and runs off. Giles gazes anxiously at her retreating figure.)
GILES: I suppose I should have given her directions on where to go now, shouldn't I?
(Theme music. Opening Credits. Finally. Buffy and Xander are walking through a cornfield. They are being attacked by wasps. Buffy is expertly staking the wasps while Xander is using the clever technique of letting them sting him until they are tired.)
XANDER: Why are we trekking through a cornfield anyway?
BUFFY: Because it is dangerous to take the road. Mom told me never to hitchhike.
XANDER: I'd rather be facing a group of hungry vampires than these wasps.
(The wasps suddenly disappear and a group of hungry vampires jump out. Buffy slays them all in half a minute, and the wasps return.)
XANDER: The multiple wasp bites are beginning to make me dizzy. Let's stop and have a rest.
(Xander and Buffy stop, and Xander takes out a sub from his bag. As he chows on it Buffy motions for him to keep quiet.)
BUFFY: My Slayer-sense is warning me we're not alone.
XANDER: Of course we're not alone, we have a swarm of wasps with us. And we have each other. So we can't ever really be alone, we're always together…
BUFFY: Sshh, I'll take care of this.
(Buffy takes out her stake and stalks through the corn. Catching the intruders by surprise, she grabs one of them and swings her stake.)
DAWN: Stop Buffy, it's me!
(The point of Buffy's stake stops inches from Dawn Took's heart, much to the annoyance of Xander, who never liked the little twit anyway. Buffy picks her up by her hair.)
BUFFY: Dawn, you almost got yourself killed! Sneaking around a cornfield like that. Alone!!
DAWN: I'm not a kid anymore Buffy, and I wasn't alone, I was with Willow.
(From behind a scarecrow appears Willow Brandybuck. Buffy glares at her suspiciously.)
WILLOW: Oh hi Buffy and Xander.
BUFFY: What were you doing with my young impressionable sister out here in the middle of a cornfield??
WILLOW: I was just teaching her some witchy stuff, things like summoning evil monsters, raising zombies, and bringing plague and pestilence to the world.
BUFFY: As long as you weren't teaching her to be gay or anything.
DAWN: Willow just taught me this cool spell to bring about Armageddon with just a monkey hand, Belladonna root, and a Mars bar.
(A shout is heard from nearby. It is Farmer Maggot, so named because he is one.)
BUFFY: It's Farmer Maggot after us.
WILLOW: He's shouting something about one of use having stolen his crops.
DAWN: Now who would do a thing like that?
XANDER: Crunch, Beatsh me, swallow.
BUFFY: Let's get out of here.
(They run until they roll down a hill and end up on a road.)
XANDER: Oh look, a road.
BUFFY: With some mushrooms next to it.
WILLOW: Are they Bloodbutton mushrooms, which make a great sleeping potion?
XANDER: Are they edible mushrooms?
DAWN: Are they magic mushrooms?
(As Xander eats the mushrooms, Willow gathers them up, and Dawn licks them, Buffy hears the sound of horses. She looks down the road and shudders.)
BUFFY: Guys, something's coming. Get off the road!
(They hide under a fallen trunk. Some riders, dressed in sinister black hoods. They actually look evil, possibly because their faces are hidden, and they have no corny make-up jobs. One of the riders sniffs.)
XANDER: Damn, I knew I should've put on some deodorant this morning.
(Something strange is happening. Buffy's finger is being inexorably drawn towards the ring. As the Dark Rider sniffs, the ring gets closer to her finger. The others see what's happening and Willow slaps Buffy.)
BUFFY: Thanks, I needed that.
WILLOW: I always wanted to do that.
DAWN: The monster is leaning over the tree trunk, it's going to find us.
(To distract the Dark Riders Xander throws something, namely Dawn, away from their hiding place. As the Dark Riders turn and go towards the sound, the hobbits run. The Dark Riders set off after them.)
XANDER: We don't have a shot against them, they're on horseback and we're on foot.
WILLOW: I'll take care of that.
(She whispers some magical sounding words and they are teleported to a stream. Unfortunately she teleports the Dark Riders as well.)
BUFFY: Quick, onto the ferry, they won't dare cross the water.
WILLOW: Why, are they scared of it?
BUFFY: No, cause it comes from the Dale's sewage system.
(As they board the ferry, Dawn comes running twigs and mushrooms in hair, somehow managing to pass the Dark Riders.)
DAWN: Wait for me guys!
(She takes a flying leap and lands up in the water. But she grabs hold of the ferry as it sails away. The Dark Riders stop at the water, shaking their mailed fists at the departing ferry.)
XANDER: That was close.
DAWN: Um, guys, a little help here! Guys! Guys?
(While the hobbits make their way towards The Prancing Pommie, Giles enters the gates of Isenbored. He goes straight to the head watcher, a slim nerdy man with dark hair, and better taste in clothes than Giles. It is Wesley the White.)
GILES: Wesley, I have grave news. The One Ring is free and the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here is after it.
WESLEY: I know Rupert, he/she/it told me.
GILES: Good Lord, you have spoken with the main villain?
WESLEY: Yes, I have. I have decided to betray you, all of the watchers are with me.
GILES: But why?
WESLEY: Why? Why? How do you think it feels always being second to you? I am younger, relatively better-looking, and better-dressed than you, yet you are considered greater than me.
GILES: I think I am actually handsomer than you in a mature older man sort of way. But the part about me being thought of as greater than you is absurd.
WESLEY: Is it? You are the Slayer's watcher, and what do I get? The spinoff! Where the green horned guy gets better lines than me!
GILES: Watchers don't get clever lines, it's part of the watcher code to be dry at all times.
WESLEY: Shut up and fight me you pansy little git!
(A watcher battle takes place, with each wimpy Brit trying to slap each other. It is about as exciting and dangerous as a weather report. Two minutes of wussy fighting later a voice rings out.)
FAITH: I can't take any more of this crap.
(Out steps a bitch in black. It is Faith, who is on the side of evil. She decapitates Wesley with a very big sword.)
FAITH: That Wesley was too pathetic to be a bad guy. I'm taking over. Come one Rupert, you scared to take me on?
(Giles is actually a little scared, but being the good watcher that he is, takes her on. Faith is an mean slaying machine however, and easily beats his British ass in record time.)
FAITH: With enemies like you, it's going to be a piece of cake taking over the world. Instead of killing you, I'll keep you imprisoned on the top of the tower. That'll make you suffer. Plus, I need a sex slave, and good-looking Brits are wicked sexy.
(Faith laughs evilly, and Giles is taken up to the top of the tower. A thousand or so miles away, the hobbits arrive at The Prancing Pommie.)
BUFFY: Here we are at the inn. Let's go inside and warm ourselves up.
BOUNCER: You can't come in here.
XANDER: Why, is there a cover charge or something?
BOUNCER: You three can come in, but I want to see her ID.
DAWN: Hey, I'm older than I look you know!
BOUNCER: Not you, her.
(He points to Buffy. She is getting that look in her eyes she gets when she is about to turn a vampire to dust. Willow steps in and casts a spell.)
BOUNCER: You can come right in. be careful with that step there, you don't want to break a hip.
BUFFY: What did you do?
WILLOW: I made you appear older.
BUFFY: How much older?
WILLOW: Um, about sixty or so.
XANDER: You actually don't look that bad for an old-timer. You could pass as fifty-five any day.
BUFFY: Willow, you can reverse the spell now.
WILLOW: You sort of have to wait until it wears off.
(Dawn, excited at being in a place which sells alcohol goes to the bar. Buffy looks for Giles.)
BUFFY: Weird, he's not here. Maybe he's up in a rented room or something. Excuse me?
BARMAN: Yes ma'am?
BUFFY: I'm not a ma'am, I'm only twenty-one. Anybody been here called Giles? Prissy looking, English accent?
BARMAN: No ma'am. Would you like some prune juice?
(The people at the bar are quite surprised to see a little old woman hurl the barkeeper through a window. She returns to the table where the others have discovered delightful things known as shooters.)
XANDER: Any luck?
BUFFY: No, I think you'd better give me one of those. People still think I'm old.
XANDER: I meant about Giles.
BUFFY: He hasn't been here. We're on our own.
WILLOW: Good, that means we won't be sent on some dangerous quest.
BUFFY: Where's Dawn?
XANDER: She's over there talking to those sinister-looking guys.
DAWN: Sure I know a Buffy, she's my sister. She's right over there.
BUFFY: That complete idiot. I must stop her. I can't let those guys walk around thinking Buffy is a sixty-year old.
(Buffy runs over to dawn, but trips over Xander's outstretched leg. In a bizarre twist, the Ring flies up and lands on her finger and she turns invisible. Fancy-Schmancy special effects, but not too fancy-schmancy, we are on a budget. Some of the people in the bar gasp in horror, but most have been to Sunnydale so they don't even notice. Buffy is miffed to see the other hobbits haven't even noticed she's gone. She is also miffed to see that the Nightriders are very close to The Prancing Pommie, and that she is being observed by a giant eye.)
BUFFY: Gross, that thing could at least use eyedrops!
(She pulls off the Ring.)
WILLOW: Buffy, where were you?
BUFFY: I turned invisible using the Ring and saw the evil blackhooded riders as well as a giant disgusting eye.
DAWN: You turned invisible? That is so cool!
XANDER: My secret fantasy. I would be able to sneak into…
WILLOW+XANDER: The girl's locker room!
(Wistful expressions on their faces as they imagine the good they could do while invisible. A shadow looms behind them. Buffy turns, stake at the ready. Standing there, dressed all in black leather, is a brooding, spiky-haired man. Tall, dark and handsome, he is surrounded by an aura of mystery. Buffy feels her heart go kachunk, kachunk.)
ANGEL: I've never known a Slayer to turn invisible. Not very wise if you're trying to keep a low profile.
BUFFY: Low profiles don't get you good movie deals. Give me one reason not to stake you.
ANGEL: Hot and sweaty sex.
BUFFY: You think I'm that shallow? You're right.
ANGEL: My name is Strider, real name Angellus, or Angel for short. I'm here to fulfil an important role: Sexy male lead.
XANDER: Hey, what about me?
(Without even turning to face him, Angel manages to throw Xander into the bar counter. He stares into Buffy's eyes, broodingly.)
ANGEL: Giles hasn't been here and he won't be any time soon. I must take you to Rivendull and keep you safe.
BUFFY: Keep me safe? I stopped the end of the world six times. Why should we trust you?
ANGEL: Hot, sweaty sex.
BUFFY: Good enough for me. Let's get pissed.
(They drink copious amounts of ale. At the Watcher's council, Giles is imprisoned on top of the tower, exhausted and smoking a cigarette. Faith is also on top of the tower, wearing Giles' shirt.)
FAITH: God, that was amazing.
GILES: I'd heard stories of Slayers being limber, but I never expected…
FAITH: And Brits are supposed to be bad lovers, what a load of shit.
GILES: Family show, no swearing.
FAITH: Whatever. I'm going to go down and instruct my vampire minions to construct weapons of war and destruction. I'll be back soon to 'torture' you. I'll bring back some whips and chains from the torture chamber.
(Faith goes down the tower leaving her prisoner. Giles searches for his underwear and finds it is hanging off a gargoyle a few stories below.)
GILES: Darn, my favourite pair. Calvin Kleins as well.
(There is a ching as a tidy product placement sum is deposited into his bank account, even though Giles would never wear Clavin Kleins.)
GILES: I suppose I should try to escape from here and help Buffy. But that would mean no more sex slavery. Should I face an unstoppable force of evil or should I try and help Buffy? Hmmm…Brunette twenty-year old hot Slayer, or blonde twenty-year old hot Slayer?
(Giles realises he has just said this out loud and puts his stuffy-English-academic-who-has-nothing-but-fatherly-feelings-towards-Buffy face on. He walks around looking for a way to escape a ten storey high tower. A little moth flies around Giles' head. He squashes it.)
GILES: How am I supposed to think with that blasted thing flapping around?
(A giant moth demon appears, angered by the squishing of its mothling swoops down, grabs Giles in its mandibles and flies off. Now that that's out of the way, a bunch of Dark Riders reach The Prancing Pommie. They ominously go up the stairs, swords drawn. They silently enter a room. They stab the occupied beds. They let out a shriek of rage as they pull back the covers. They have just killed an innocent family. Probably because they went into the wrong room. They idiotically don't bother to check next door. Meanwhile next door, the hobbits have been awoken by the commotion.)
BUFFY: Keep the noise down! I've got a headache.
ANGEL: Possibly because of the huge amount of alcohol you drank.
BUFFY: Ale bad…
WILLOW: How come you don't have a hangover? You drank just as much as we did.
ANGEL: Probably because I'm a vampire.
BUFFY+XANDER+WILLOW: GASP!!
DAWN: Cool, can I see your fangs?
BUFFY: Dawn! Vampires are dangerous, not cool.
(Xander is about to say something about Buffy's whole vampire fetish when he catches sight of her stake. He shuts up. They go off on their way, having apparently forgotten that Angel just told them he was a vampire. Morning comes.)
DAWN: Wow, this is hard going for us non Slayery, Vampirish types.
XANDER: When are we going to stop for breakfast?
ANGEL: We already had breakfast. You had some ham sandwiches from the pig I drained.
XANDER: I mean second breakfast.
ANGEL: Second breakfast?
XANDER: Yeah, after that comes elevensies, lunch, tea, dinner and supper.
BUFFY: You eat that much food? That explains a lot.
XANDER: A lot about what? What are you implying?
BUFFY: Nothing, just making an observation.
XANDER: An observation about what?? Are you saying I'm fat?
BUFFY: I didn't say a word.
XANDER: I'll have you know I'm the ideal weight for my size. Besides I don't hear you saying anything about brooding toothy guy over there. How can you get that way just drinking blood anyway?
WILLOW: Actually I hear blood's very fattening.
ANGEL: For that comment Xander, I'd suck your blood, but then I'd really need a diet.
XANDER: I'll have you know I was in the military! I can take you on any day of the week.
(The girls manage to placate both of them by offering a bucket of chicken and a bucket of pig's blood respectively. They go on walking.)
WILLOW: I've got a question Angel. If you're a vampire, how come you can walk around in broad daylight?
(They all look up and see it's indeed the middle of the day.)
ANGEL: Easy. Sunscreen. Remember kids, the only way to avoid cancer is to use a high factor sunscreen. Brought to you by the Sunnydale Foundation for the Prevention of Diseases of the Skin.
WILLOW: Sunscreen? That makes no sense. Why wouldn't other vampires use it?
ANGEL: That's a problem I'm trying to remedy. I've been travelling the country giving workshops at crypts and mausoleums about the dangers of the sun. I think I've educated a lot of vampires about the benefits of sunscreen.
XANDER: Could somebody just stake this jerk!
(They go on walking. Realising that walking is not exactly a ratings booster, Willow zaps them forward to Weatherflop)
ANGEL: I'm going to scout around. You guys stay here, but whatever you do, DON'T light a fire.
(Angel goes off, and Buffy decides to catch up on her beauty sleep.)
DAWN: What should we do now?
WILLOW: I feel like marshmallows.
XANDER: Let's light a fire and toast marshmallows.
(They light a fire. Buffy wakes up to the smell of smoke.)
BUFFY: What are you doing??!!!! Why didn't you call me, I also want marshmallows.
(They chow on marshmallows. Nine shadows appear behind them.)
DAWN: Uh, Buffy?
BUFFY: No, you cannot catch bugs and put them in the fire, that would be cruel.
DAWN: Not that. Behind you. There are nine of those hooded monster thingies behind you.
BUFFY: I'm not falling for that again. You just want my marshmallows.
(A Dark Rider stabs Buffy. Dawn screams, because a big splotch of blood has just landed on her new blouse. Angel leaps forward out of the shadows and chases the Dark Riders away with fire.)
ANGEL: Luckily the Dark Riders are afraid of fire.
XANDER: How come you told us not to light a fire then?
ANGEL: Stop asking stupid questions and tend to the wounded Slayer.
DAWN: Is she going to die?
WILLOW: Don't worry, I'm sure she'll be alright.
DAWN: Can I get her room if she snuffs it?
ANGEL: We must get her to Rivendull as soon as possible or she will pass into the shadow world. Quickly Willow, zap us further in the plot.
(She zaps them further in the plot. They are now in a forest.)
ANGEL: She's getting weaker. Her eyes are glazing over, she's not even overacting that much anymore.
BUFFY: Gargle, splutter…It's such an honour to win this emmy…I'd like to thank my agent, my mom, Freddie…
WILLOW: She's delirious!
ANGEL: Let me go look for some herbs.
DAWN: For Buffy?
ANGEL: No for me, I really need some chemical help right about now.
(As Angel bends down, somebody points a stake at his neck. He turns to see a blonde, female vampire.)
ANGEL: Nice to see you again Darla. What are you doing here.
DARLA: I'm your love, the immortal Elvish princess.
ANGEL: Immortal I can understand, but you, a princess?
DARLA: It gets better, I'm also supposed to be one of the good guys.
ANGEL: Now I know Joss was high when he wrote this episode.
DARLA: After a major make-out session, I'll take Buffy to the safety of Rivendull.
ANGEL: You know I can't do that, I have a soul and all. You on the other hand are still a murderous, sadistic, cold-hearted bitch.
DARLA: You remembered your pet name for me, how sweet. I am actually good for now, so you can take me without fear of being tempted back to your evil ways.
ANGEL: Super.
(A few hours later Angel and Darla emerge from the woods, Darla's normally perfect Elvish hair all mussed up.)
ANGEL: Guys, this is Darla, she's going to take Buffy to Rivendull, cause she has a faster horse.
XANDER: Can we trust her?
DARLA: I give you my word as an evil, lying, deceiving, scumsucking vampire.
WILLOW: Good enough for us. Hurry, before it's too late.
(Darla rides off with Buffy tied to the back of her horse. The nine Dark Riders show up and pursue them. There is a spectacular chase scene. They reach a river.)
DARLA: the river which marks the borders of Rivendull. All I have to do is cross this river and I'll be safe.
(She looks at Buffy and realises the Slayer has perkier blonde hair than her, and that Angel will never love her as long as Buffy's around. Plus she remembers she's evil.)
DARLA: Ah screw it.
(She dumps Buffy onto the river bank and rides off to find an Elvish snack. The Dark Riders surround her and evilly chuckle. Buffy rolls her glazed eyes.)
BUFFY: Can't a Slayer ever take it easy?
(She gets up and proceeds to single-handedly throw every Dark Rider into the river where they are devoured by Elvish piranhas. After her trademark witty comments and finishing pout, she falls down again, unconscious. This is just the type of cliffhanger scene that make the fans come back for more, so the ending credits appear.)