Part Two

Previously on Buffy:

(A lot of Slayer shit happens.  Buffy kills a whole lot of monsters while twirling a gold-plated ring around her neck.  The Tolkien estate and Peter Jackson threaten to sue.  Xander eats.  Angel broods.  They get drunk.  Dawn sulks.  Willow acts all gay and witchy.  Most of the other main characters don't appear.  Except for Giles.  Who straightens his glasses a lot.  Buffy is stabbed.)

BUFFY:  Ooh, what happened?  My head feels like it's been through a season finale.

(Buffy's eyes slowly open, and blurrily things come into view.  She is lying in a bed, covered in soft Bananas in Pyjamas sheets.  She is wearing only a flimsy nightgown.  Sitting at the foot of the bed is a figure stroking her leg.)

BUFFY:  Giles?  Is that you?

(Giles withdraws his hand and stands up quickly, straightening his tie.  He gives a sheepish smile.)

GILES:  Ah Buffy, you're awake.  We thought you'd ended in a very bad way for a spell.

BUFFY:  Huh?

GILES:  We thought we'd lost you.  With those Dark Riders stabbing you and all.  It was a close call indeed.

BUFFY:  You mean I almost died?

GILES:  Yes well actually you did die.  Willow managed to bring you back from the dead however.

(Willow and Dawn walk in at that moment, followed by Xander who is munching on a leg of deer.  Willow and Xander both rush over to hug Buffy in happiness.  Dawn looks disappointed.)

XANDER:  Buffy, you're alive!

DAWN:  Crap, I can't believe this…

WILLOW:  I knew my spell would work.  Welcome back to the land of the living Buffy.

DAWN:  …this close to being an only child…

BUFFY:  Thanks guys.  Imagine, if I was dead I'd never be able to do the happy with Angel anymore.

DAWN:  Stupid witchy resurrecting powers…

BUFFY:  But what are you doing here Giles?  When you didn't show up at the Prancing Pommie we thought you might've gone to the big library in the sky.

GILES:  I went through a terrible ordeal.  When I reached the Watcher's Council, it so happened the head Watcher had turned to evil.  I valiantly defeated him, but Faith appeared and managed to somehow overpower me.

XANDER:  No mean feat seeing how tough it is to beat a book waving, tea drinking, English stud like you.

(Giles glares at him and continues.)

GILES:  As I was saying, she captured me, and did unspeakable things to me.

WILLOW:  Oh Giles you poor thing.  Were they that bad?

GILES:  No, just…unspeakable.

(Giles' mind wanders back to the unspeakable things Faith did to him and he sighs nostalgically.)

GILES:  It was extremely difficult to escape, but using my Watcher knowledge I managed to summon a winged creature to help me.  Needless to say, I ended up here at Rivendull.

BUFFY:  So this is Rivendull?  It's not really what I expected.  Rivendull, place of the Elves, I was imagining trees and waterfalls and stuff.  It look a bit…nightclubey.

XANDER:  With bad deco.  No style at all.

DAWN:  Style?  This from a guy who's wearing that shirt.

XANDER:  What's wrong with my shirt?

WILLOW:  I like the shirt.  I think it's very trendy.

DAWN:  I don't even want to go into your taste in clothes.  And nobody uses words like trendy, not even Giles.

BUFFY:  So who owns this place?

XANDER:  No points for guessing it's an elf.

BUFFY:  So I guess someone into green a lot, and with pointy ears.

XANDER:  Well you're right about the being into green, but it's not his ears that are pointy.

(In walks the ruler of Rivendull.  He wears a garish yellow suit, and is green.  He has horns.  He is Lorne Halfelven, otherwise known by his elf name the Host.)

LORNE:  You must be Buffy.  Welcome to my little club. 

GILES:  This is the Host, ruler of the realm.

BUFFY:  So you're my host, and your name's the Host.  Has a sort of irony to it.

GILES:  Irony?  I'm surprised you know what that means seeing how many English lessons you attended in your schooldays.

BUFFY:  I'm not that dumb, I at least know what irony means.  It's like repetition of things.

(Giles groans at the state of the youth today.)

LORNE:  I was walking along the river, when I saw this little blonde girl lying on the bank.  Now what kind of host would I be if I didn't rescue her, especially from those shoes.  So I took her back here.

WILLOW:  Then we arrived, and saved you.  And now we're all together again like one big happy family.

BUFFY:  Where's Angel.

WILLOW:  Except for Angel.

LORNE:  He's off brooding gorgeously somewhere. 

BUFFY:  Damn.  I really wanted to stare at his pointy hair right about now.

GILES:  There is someone here who wants to see you.

BUFFY:  Josh Hartnett?

GILES:  Better.  Your mum.

BUFFY:  Oh.

(Buffy looks disappointed.  In walks Joyce Summers looking a lot older than when we last left her.)

BUFFY:  Mom, you're here.  But you look so…wrinkly.

JOYCE:  Unemployment does that to you hon.  How's my favourite daughter?

DAWN:  Her ladyship the almighty, wonderful, perfect Buffy is just fine.  Unlike Dawn…

JOYCE:  I'm glad to hear that dear.  Mr Giles, Willow, Xander, Lorne, and Deannie, could you all please leave so Buffy and I can enjoy a touching Mother-Slayer moment?

(They all leave except Dawn who has to be dragged out by Giles.  Buffy and her mother share an awwwwww-inducing hug.)

VIEWERS:  Awwwwwwwww.

BUFFY:  Mom, I thought I'd never see you again.  I'm so happy you're here.

JOYCE:  You missed me that much?

BUFFY:  That, and I ran out of cash. 

JOYCE:  Buffy, if you happen to go on a dangerous mission to face great evil and throw the Ring into the Hellmouth any time soon, I have this stake for you.  It glows blue when there are vampires around.

BUFFY:  Hold on, isn't that Mr Pointy?

JOYCE:  I needed something to hang that picture of  dogs playing poker on.  I'd run out of nails.

BUFFY:  And all this time I thought Dawn was using it to poke that voodoo doll of me.

JOYCE:  Voodoo?  I thought that was a Barbie doll.

BUFFY:  Same difference.

(As Buffy leans forward the Ring falls out from between her cleavage.  Joyce's eyes widen and she stares at it greedily.  At the Ring, not the cleavage.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)

JOYCE:  Oh look, my old ring.  Can I hold it?

(Buffy takes one look at her face and puts the Ring back to the safety of her boobs.  Suddenly a terrifying transformation occurs.  Joyce's face changes, her face becomes screwed up, her eyebrows become arched like a cartoon bad guy's, and her teeth lengthen and sharpen.  She hisses.)

BUFFY:  Mom, you're a vampire!

JOYCE:  You always were sharp-witted Buffy.  Not like Danni.

(Dawn who has been listening at the door rushes in carrying a pointy piece of wood.)

DAWN:  It's dawn, dammit, Dawn!  D…A…W…N!!!!!!!!

(As she screams these letter she sticks the stake into Joyce's back.)

JOYCE:  Diane, you've killed me…

(Joyce crumbles into dust, which Dawn continues to stab.)

BUFFY:  Dawn, she's gone.  Finito, you killed her.  You killed our mother.

DAWN:  Your mother not mine, no skin off my nose.

BUFFY:  Plus she was a vampire.

DAWN:  What?  Oh I never noticed.  Cool, I had a vampire for a fake mom.

(Opening credits.  Buffy is sitting with a bunch of other weirdoes in a top secret meeting to decide the fate of the world.  They are sitting silently waiting for the most important person to arrive.  He walks in.)

JOEY:  Pizzas you ordered!

(Now the meeting is ready to begin.  Giles as stuffiest man there starts the proceedings.)

GILES:  This One Ring is vastly powerful and could spell the end of the world.  It must be destroyed.

(A pale figure with bleached hair and cheekbones you can cut diamonds on stands up.)

SPIKE:  If it's so bloody powerful, why don't we use its power?  It's bleedin' common sense if you ask me.

GILES:  The problem with that, Spike of Gondork, is that the Ring inevitably corrupts those who use it.  The Ring works its evil through its bearer.  It would twist you utterly.

SPIKE:  So bleedin' what?

GILES:  Through my research I have discovered the only way of destroying it is to throw it into the depths of the Hellmouth.  Then the Master/Mayor/Adam/Glorificus/Insert-Current-Big-Bad's-Name-Here will not be able to harness its power and return.  Any volunteers?

(There is silence, except for the chirping of crickets.)

GILES:  Come on, there's got to be someone with courage and honour around here. 

ANGEL:  I'll go.

SPIKE:  Soddin' showoff.  Going on a bleedin' suicide mission.

GILES:  Very brave of you Angel.  There will be great bloodshed no doubt.

SPIKE:  Bloodshed?  Blimey, count me in.  Sounds appetising.

GILES:  Who will join the two of them?  Whoever braves this perilous mission will be rewarded.  They will get plenty of gold and money.

(A woman of indeterminate hair colour stands up.)

ANYA:  I will go.  It sounds all very noble, especially the money part.

GILES:  And as heroes they will be irresistible and have women throwing themselves at them.

(A woman wearing a bag that might be a dress stands up.)

TARA:  I'll g-go too.

GILES:  Thank you Anya, daughter of Gloin, and Tara Greenleaf.  Good, we've got enough suck…er, I mean volunteers, now who will carry this Ring?

SPIKE:  Give the bleedin' thing to me, I'll make sure it don't fall into the wrong hands.

ANYA:  I would be happy to carry the golden ring.

TARA:  I don't think it'd be such a good idea to let an ex-justice d-demon carry such a powerful object.

ANYA:  I'd be a much better owner to it than a lesbian witch.  I'd treat it like my own child.  Except better.

(An argument ensues.  Everybody starts arguing over who should carry the Ring except for Angel, cause he knows that whoever carries the Ring will be the main target for the bad guys and thus likely to end up dead.  Buffy is not so smart however.)

BUFFY:  I'll do it.

(Everybody ignores her engrossed in the fracas, that is until Buffy stakes a nameless extra.)

BUFFY:  I said I'll take the damn Ring!

GILES:  Buffy has volunteered to take the Ring.  Since her mind is the most difficult to corrupt, seeing how she has none, she will carry the Ring and drop it into the Hellmouth.  You four will be her sidekicks.  I will be her wise and devilishly handsome mentor

(Dawn, Xander and Willow have been hiding behind Giles' huge pile of books, secretly listening to the meeting.  Dawn, seeing two gorgeous older vampires, leaps out.)

DAWN:  You're not going without me!

(Willow seeing another gay witch, leaps out.)

WILLOW:  And me!

(Xander seeing a sexy ex-justice demon, and figuring they'll take a lot of rations along, leaps out.)

XANDER:  Don't forget me!

LORNE:  You guys will go on this mission to save the world then.  The nine of you will be called…

BUFFY:  You are not coming along Dawn.

DAWN:  Am too, you can't stop me.

BUFFY:  I'm your older sister and now your guardian, I can so stop you.

LORNE:  You will be called…

BUFFY:  You're staying right here.

DAWN:  You're such an anal-retentive Buffy!  Dawn, don't do this, Dawn don't do that!  Dawn, be careful of breathing, it's dangerous!

BUFFY:  This is what I get for being concerned about my sister?!  As if being a Slayer and having to save the world isn't enough, I have to take care of my ungrateful little sister!

LORNE:  The name of this brave group will be…

DAWN:  Fine, I won't go then.  I'll just stay right here where you can't keep an eye on me.  And then I'll wander off into the forest alone and date Dark Riders.  Hey, is today Tuesday?

BUFFY:  *Groan*, fine, you can come.  But only if you keep out of my way and do everything I say.

DAWN:  Thanks Buffy, you're the best.  I promise.

(Needless to say, her fingers are crossed.)

LORNE:  As I was saying, your name will be the Scoobyship of the Ring.

(The nine of them stand together and pose for a group photo.)

GILES:  No matter what we face, we will face it together.  The nine of us.  With me leading us.

SPIKE:  Oh shite, we're buggered.

(At Isenbored a spy is telling Faith the events of Rivendull.)

SPY:  And then they all got completely pissed in celebration and left the next morning for the Hellmouth.

FAITH:  So B and the slayerettes are planning to throw the Ring in the Hellmouth?  I've got to stop her and get me that ring.  I'll find them and kill them all.  Except for Angel, I'll keep him for a little bit of fun.  And Xander.  And Giles.  And Spike.  And maybe even Buffy as well.

(Faith goes to a cage full of flying monkeys.  She unlatches the cage.)

FAITH:  Fly my prettys, fly!

(The flying monkeys flap out of the cage and into the window, which is unfortunately closed.  The monkeys fall to the ground concussed.)

FAITH:  Shit.  Stupid monkeys.

(She opens the window and pulls the emergency lever.  A bunch of back-up monkeys fly out of a pit in the floor and into the sky.  Their targets are walking up a mountain.)

XANDER:  are we there yet?

GILES:  No.

XANDER:  Are we there yet?

GILES:  No.

XANDER:  Are we there yet?

GILES:  For the hundredth time, no we are not there yet.  It is a long and arduous journey, and we only set out yesterday.  Ergo we will not be there for many days yet.

XANDER:  OK.

(They walk on.)

XANDER:  Is it time for a food break yet?

GILES:  *Sigh*.

BUFFY:  Giles?

GILES:  Yes Buffy?

BUFFY:  What's ergo mean?

GILES:  Good Lord!

DAWN:  I know what it is.  I'm smarter than Buffy.

BUFFY:  You so do not know what it means.

DAWN:  Do too!  It's 'ogre' spelt backwards.  You know, ogre, like you?

BUFFY:  It's not ogre!  Is it Giles?
GILES:  Ergo means therefore, don't you know any Latin?!  Haven't you heard of 'I think therefore I am'?  Cogito ergo sum?

BUFFY:  Let's leave the spells and incantations to Willow.

GILES:  Let's stop for a break, with every step and stupid comment my headache seems to grow.

SPIKE:  Ignore 'em, Giles mate, this bleedin' Peanut gallery aint got much to offer upstairs.  Blimey, Bill the pony has more brains than they do.

GILES:  I have a university degree.  I was voted top of my class at Watcher college.  One stupid night with the dean's wife and they send me to look after the new Slayer.  Look at me now.

SPIKE:  Cor blimey, that's soddin' bollocks if you ask me.

GILES:  And could you please stop talking with that damned accent!  Nobody in the English Isles talks like that!  No normal British person talks like that!

ANYA:  So what you're saying is only not normal British people speak like that.

GILES:  What?

ANYA:  If no normal British person speaks like that, than only not normal British people speak like that.  It's called logic.  Xander taught it to me.

GILES:  Xander and logic?  I shudder at the thought.

BUFFY:  So what do normal British accents sound like?  The non-stuffy Giles kind I mean.  Is it like Ali-G?

GILES:  I hardly think we can compare an Indian accent to a British one.

(Dawn giggles.  Giles glares at her.)

GILES:  What are you laughing at young lady?

DAWN:  Nothing.

GILES:  I should hope so.  I am only trying to expand your knowledge here. 

SPIKE:  By bloody well slagging off my accent.

ANGEL:  You've got to have the right accent to make a character believable.

SPIKE:  Look who's talking mate.  You heard your Irish accent lately?

ANGEL:  My Irish accent is just fine.  I think I sound like Bono.

SPIKE:  It's just bleedin' lucky you don't have flashback sequences too often, or else we'd have the bloody IRA bombing us.

BUFFY:  Yeah, I've heard those tax guys can be tough.

(Giles stares at her and groans.  Angel has just put on an Irish accent.)

ANGEL:  Top of the mornin' to ya.  See, you can't tell me that doesn't sound Irish.

GILES:  I need some magic help to get rid of this headache.  Willow?  Where's Willow?

XANDER:  She went off into the bushes with Tara.

GILES:  Right when I need her.  What could she be doing?

BUFFY:  Or who.

GILES:  Willow!  Where are you?!

(Willow emerges from behind a boulder, followed closely by Tara.)

WILLOW:  Yeah Giles, what it is?

GILES:  We're supposed to keep together, there's danger about.  What were you doing back there?

WILLOW:  Oh, I was just showing Tara my pussy.

(There is a horrified silence.  Far in the distance are the sounds of a thousand irate viewers phoning the network and screaming into the phone.)

WILLOW:  You know, Miss Kitty Fantastico, my pussycat.

(The cat comes out from behind the rock.)

WILLOW:  Why is everybody looking at me like that.

GILES:  Nothing, no reason at all.

ANYA:  We just thought that when you said you were showing Tara your pussy, you meant you were showing her your…

XANDER:  Anya honey, remember what we said about some situations needing that thing called 'tact'?  This is one of those situations.

ANYA:  I don't see what's so embarrassing, I mean I show you mine all the time.

XANDER:  Embarrassing much?  OK, we're going to shut up now.  Come on Anya, let's go over there far away from foot-in-mouth land.

ANYA:  Oh goody, did this conversation give you ideas?

(Xander's hand clamp down on Anya's mouth and he drags her away.  Tara picks up Miss Kitty Fantastico and begins petting her.  Dawn starts giggling.)

BUFFY:  What are you laughing at now?

DAWN:  Tara is stroking miss Kitty Fantastico.  Tara is stroking Willow's pussy.

(Spike bursts out laughing.)

SPIKE:  Too right Dawnie, this is bloody smutty.  We don't watch out we'll lose our G-rating.

DAWN:  I think we passed G a long time ago.  This is NC-17 for sure.

SPIKE:  Graphic scenes of a pussy being stroked?  Bleedin' XXX-rated if you ask me.

DAWN:  Hey maybe we can market this as Wicca porn or something. 

SPIKE:  Hey Red, can I stroke your pussy too?

WILLOW:  Sure, she really enjoys it.

(By now Spike and Dawn are almost in tears.  Willow, the innocent thing that she is, still has no idea what they are talking about.  Tara has latched on, and has stopped stroking the cat.)

SPIKE:  Glad to see it's not an exclusive thing.  You call it a she do ya?  Soddin' brilliant, that is.

TARA:  Uh Will, I think I k-know what they're talking about.

(Tara whispers in her ear and Willow turns redder than her hair.)

WILLOW:  Going…over…there…bye…

(She stumbles away from Spike and Dawn who are rolling around on the floor.)

GILES:  You two should be ashamed of yourselves.  Minds in the gutter like that.

SPIKE:  I think Giles is feelin' a bit left out, I do.  Maybe he needs to stroke the soddin' pussy as well.

BUFFY:  This is beginning to sound like an episode of Sex and the City.  Only without the fashion.

(At this point most luckily a flock of flying monkeys fly into view.)

ANGEL:  Spies from Isenbored, we must hide.

(Giles checks his hair and teeth.  They all crouch in the shadow of an overhanging rock.)

BUFFY:  It's a bit crowded in here.

GILES:  Would you rather be out in the open?

BUFFY:  I just wish Bill the pony wasn't on top of me.  Oh God, did he just fart?

XANDER:  No, that was me.

(The flying monkeys fly overhead, but the Scoobyship is too well-hidden.  Except for Miss Kitty Fantastico who is lying in plain view.  The flying monkeys return to Isenbored.  The leader of the monkeys goes up to Faith.)

FAITH:  What is it boy? 

MONKEY:  Ooh ah ah ooh ooh ah ohh.

FAITH:  A cat in the middle of nowhere?  The scoobies are too goody-goody to abandon animals like that.  I've found them, they're going down.

(Faith opens a chest and removes some monkey-sized swords.  She hands it to some of the monkeys.)

FAITH:  I'll send my attack monkeys to slaughter them.  And then I'll have my hands on that gorgeous Buf…Ring.  Fly my monkeys, fly!

(Some of the monkeys are just looking at the swords, others are sniffing them.  One of the monkeys catches on to their function and hits another monkey on the head.  The other monkeys follow suit and start slashing and battering each other.)

FAITH:  No, you dumb monkeys, stop stabbing each other.  Do you know what a bitch blood is to clean?!

(Back on the mountain the scoobyship trudge upwards.)

BUFFY:  It's getting really cold as we go along.

SPIKE: Well we are going up a soddin' mountain.

GILES:  The weather's actually quite pleasant.

BUFFY:  How can you say that?

XANDER:  He's from England.

ANGEL:  I'll wrap my strong arms around you to keep you warm…

GILES:  Thank you for the offer, but it's quite unnecessary, I'm not cold at all.

ANGEL:  I was talking to Buffy.

SPIKE:  How're you going to keep her warm you bleedin' wanker?  You're a vampire, no circulation, remember?

BUFFY:  I wish I had a scarf or something.

(Willow says a mystical-sounding word and a scarf appears.)

BUFFY:  Hey, cool…I wish I had a fur coat.

(Willow says another mystical-sounding word and a coat appears.  Faux fur.  She's a real animal-lover, despite the deer killing and all.)

BUFFY:  Boy, do I wish I had a pair of $2000 Prada boots.

(Willow says another mystical-sounding word and a pair of $2000 Prada boots appears.)

BUFFY:  I wish I had a movie deal with Brad Pitt and Robert DeNiro and an Oscar and an Emmy…    

WILLOW:  Don't push it.  I can't perform miracles, I'm not Hecate you know.  Soon after my spell I will be, but now…

TARA:  What d-did you say sweetie?

WILLOW:  Nothing at all, just talking to myself.

TARA:  Will honey, we've got to talk.  About this whole m-magic thing.

WILLOW:  I'm all ears.  Not literally of course cause then I'd be some sort of weird demon…hey, maybe I could conjure up one of those.

TARA:  That's what I mean.  I think you're using too much m-magic.  I think you're an addict.

WILLOW:  Me addicted to magic?  I don't think so but I could cast a spell to find out.

TARA:  I can't be in a self-destructive relationship with a m-magic addict.

WILLOW:  No!  I don't want to lose you Tara, what must I do to prove to you I'm not addicted?

TARA:  Go without magic for a w-week.

WILLOW:  Done.  Don't worry, I won't use magic in any way.

TARA:  That's a relief because I was really worried that you would…

WILLOW:  Forget.  What were you saying hon?

TARA:  Uh…I don't remember.

WILLOW:  Weird.  I'd use my magic but I feel no urge to since I'm not addicted.  In any way.  At all.

TARA:  No, that's f-fine.

GILES:  Now which direction should we go next?  Let me take out the map and get my bearings.

(Out of one of his many book bags he retrieves a map.  He pores over it.)

ANYA:  You know Giles, Xander was showing me one of your maps…well, we were actually having sex on it…

(Giles drops the map and wipes his hands on his shirt.)

ANYA:  And I happened to notice the route we're taking is very long and will add days to our journey.  Normally I would be happy to prolong any time I spend with Xander, but I'm afraid I might run out of hair colour before we get across the mountains.  Plus it's not very pleasant being naked in this cold.

GILES:  There's no other viable route we can take.

ANYA:  Why don't we take a shortcut through Moria.  There we will be pampered and treated well by my people.  And it's a mine.  So there's gold.

GILES:  That route has hidden dangers that could be far worse than anything we face on the mountains. 

ANYA:  Like what?

GILES:  You lived there.  That's big enough reason.

(They reach the snowline.  Buffy is limping.)

BUFFY:  It's damn hard walking through snow in $2000 Prada boots.  My feet are killing me.

ANGEL:  Why don't you put your other shoes back on.

BUFFY:  Are you crazy?  $2000 boots are supposed to be uncomfortable.  I'll wear them till my feet bleed.

SPIKE:  I'm all for that.

(Buffy stumbles and falls face forward in the snow.  Although her ears are filled with the stuff, she can hear high-pitched giggling.)

BUFFY:  It's not funny Dawn.

DAWN:  I didn't do anything.

(She looks up and sees Giles covering his mouth with his hand and shaking.)

BUFFY:  Giles!

(Giles doesn't answer but turns away.  He doesn't stop giggling.  Buffy gives him a dark look.  Spike kneels down and picks something off the ground.) 

SPIKE:  Well bugger me, Buffy dropped the Ring.

BUFFY:  Can I have it back?

SPIKE:  Could make all our bloody troubles disappear if we bothered to use it properly.

(Angel puts his hand on the hilt of his favourite sword.)

ANGEL:  You've seen the Ring, now give it back to Buffy.

SPIKE:  The power to go bleedin' invisible…pretty little thing, isn't it?

XANDER:  Oh does Spikey like the gold ring?  I'm Spikina and I like pretty bobbles and things.  What a nice piece of jewellery this is, I wish it was mine, and I wish I had some matching earrings…

SPIKE:  How'd you like to have the Ring stuffed up your bloody arse?  Oh wait, you'd probably enjoy that.  Here's your soddin' Ring, hope it bloody well gets stuck on your finger and you get gangrene and die.

(Spike hands the ring back to Buffy.)

SPIKE:  Uh, Angel mate, you can take your hand off your sword.  I gave the bleedin Ring back.

ANGEL:  I know, I know.

SPIKE:  Then you wonder why I don't like the bloody wanker.

TARA:  Hey, can we stop an make snowwomen?

GILES:  I hardly think this is the time or place to engage in such frivolities…Hey!  Who the hell threw that snowball?

(They engage in frivolities.  They have snowball fights.  Xander feels like some ice-cream but settles for just plain ice.  They build a big snowman and stare at it.)

BUFFY:  Not a bad job if I must say so myself.

WILLOW:  I think it looks very nice, for a male snowman.

XANDER:  Reminds me of Spike.  White, cold, and no heart, brain, or pulse.

BUFFY:  And one hell of a carrot!

WILLOW:  I think that's supposed to go on the face.

BUFFY:  I'm all for that.

WILLOW:  The snowman's face.

BUFFY:  Oh.

(Observing them from afar is Faith.  In her hands she holds a clear orb.  The orb shows a snow-covered scene, dotted with a number of small figures.)

FAITH:  Found you and your pals B, playing in the snow.  I think I should heat up the party a little bit, or at least cool it down, using my magical snowglobe.

(She turns the snowglobe upside down and little bits of made-in-Taiwan snow sprinkles over the scene.  On the actual mountain, snow starts sliding down.  The scoobys look up.  They see a huge mass of snow hurtling towards them.)

ANGEL:  Uh oh.

SPIKE:  We're about to be buried under a thousand soddin' tons of snow and all you can say is uh oh?  How about bleedin' well trying some heave swearing once in a while.

ANGEL:  I had no idea 'sodding' and 'bloody' was heavy swearing.

TARA:  D-don't worry.  I know a spell to stop the avalanche falling on us.  Gingivitis, Callisthenics, Decorum.  Oh great master of the mountains, spare us from your…

(Her spell is cut short by a thousand tons of snow falling on her.  Luckily between Xander's craving for snow and Willow's conjured-up bulldozer, they manage to dig themselves out.)

GILES:  Everyone alright?  Nobody with any serious injuries?

ANGEL:  Yeah, I think all of us are out and safe.

GILES:  Faith must have discovered our whereabouts, and is trying to prevent us going any further.

BUFFY:  You immediately assume it's Faith.  Couldn't it have just been a random avalanche brought on by Dawn's hair or Spike's brooding or something?

GILES:  This has Faith's name all over it.

ANGEL:  That's just an assumption.

GILES:  No, I'm serious.  There's a sign "Avalanche by Faith".

BUFFY:  Sounds like a great name for a perfume.  Except you've gotta say the avalanche part in a more Frenchy accent.  Avalanje.

GILES:  I'm afraid this route might become impassable.  Or impossible.  I hope everybody brought their snowshoes.

ANYA:  If this route is so bad, then here's an idea.  Let's take the route through Moria where it's safer.  Did I mention the gold?

(Despite this being the most sensible and logical path, Giles is still unwilling to go, because he's a big chicken.  With the interests of the scoobyship in mind however, he does the intelligent thing a proper leader would do.  He shifts responsibility.)

GILES:  Let the Ringslayer decide.

SPIKE:  What??!  Cor and blimey, you're leaving the decision to a girl who knows buggerall about the terrain?

BUFFY:  I do too know about the terrain.  There's snow.  It's high up.  In a mountain.  I think.

GILES:  Here is my map Buffy, study it well and make your choice.

BUFFY:  Great.  Uh, where are we going again?

GILES:  Right over here, partly obscured by this unidentified stain.

XANDER:  Oops.

BUFFY:  OK, as the Ring-slayer, I think we should goooooo…thataway!

ANGEL:  That's where we just came from.

BUFFY:  Just testing to see if you guys are paying attention.

WILLOW:  Shouldn't someone make the decision who actually passed geography?

BUFFY:  Don't bring geography into this.  All those numbers and angles, and parallel lines. I mean, how is that crap relevant up here?

WILLOW:  I think you're thinking of geometry.  Geography was the one with all the maps.

BUFFY:  What are the options again?

GILES:  As wise and knowledgeable watcher, my preference is for the pass through the mountains.  The money-obsessed ex-Justice demon, who's dating Xander thinks we should go through dark and dingy mines.

ANYA:  You forgot to mention the gold.    

BUFFY:  My slayer-sense, and my innate sense of direction tells me we should go through the pass.
ANGEL:  Then we shall go the opposite of where you think we should go.  To the mines! 

(They set off in the direction of Moria.  Eventually Buffy stops.)

BUFFY:  Uh…where's Dawn? 

(Some way back a muffled Dawnish voice comes under the snow.  Closing credits.)