Fate: Clotho

...Just take what I offer - take it and say goodbye...

I cannot, Archie. Do not ask me to.

...See? Better already...

No, Archie. It will never be better. How can a world possibly be better, if you are not in it?

I want to scream, to rail against the fates, or the gods, or whoever is responsible for this, but I cannot. To do so would negate the unselfish gift you have offered, and I will not do that, Archie, I will not do that to you - I will not dishonor you by acting as a child. But dear god, how I need to.

I hold my breath as a spasm of pain rips through you. I want to help you, I want to hold you again as I did aboard Renown, but protocol and decorum and my own rigid pride demand that I not do so. Why is that? I could hold Mariette as she lay dead in my arms and I wept like a child, could grasp tightly to Clayton's hand as he passed, but I cannot even touch the man who meant more to me than they ever could, the man who awoke my heart to the joys of friendship, even, yes, of love.

Oh, I never spoke it, nor did you for that matter, but it was always there between us. Not the love spoken of in romance, but the love borne of adversity and adventure, of two souls forever intertwined as brothers. There will never be another you, Archie. There will always be an empty space, a hole where you resided, by my side and in my heart.

I feel that heart break as I watch the light fade from your eyes. Those eyes, that always sparkled with mirth, or sparked with anger at any injustice - oh, god, Archie, that cannot be you lying there, no glow behind those eyes, no ready smile or quick quip upon those lips - it cannot be the same man of tremendous courage and compassion that I have known all these long years. How is that possible?

My dear friend.

Oh, how inadequate those words are. I never had your gift for eloquence, Archie, your talent for oratory. Yes, I can give a speech about duty and honor, and inspire the men, but it's only surface rhetoric. You always spoke from your heart and damn the consequences. Did you know, my friend, how much I admired that aspect of your character? Did you know that I envied you, being so sure of your emotions and never afraid to let them show? How I wish I could do that, how I wish that, just once, I could have told you what you meant to me, how much you have enriched my life, how proud I was of you, of everything you have overcome, all that you have accomplished. But now it's too late. You've left me, Archie, left me behind as I did to you when boarding the Papillion. But this time, there will be no miraculous reunion in a prison cell in Spain, no turning around to find you lying under that moldy blanket. Oh, Archie, I would give my own life, if only you would wake and look at me, just one more time, to be able to hear me say what it is in my heart.

I'm angry, Archie. I'm so damn angry. This should never have happened. Not to Renown, not to us, not to you. Where is the justice in war, when good men like you die, and weak men like Buckland live to command. Oh, I know what you would say. War makes no discrimination between bad and good. You were always so pragmatic about death - Clayton, Eccleston, Chadd, Wellard, and all the others. You accepted it as a part of life. The only time I saw death affect you was when I told you Simpson was dead. If only that had happened years before, I wonder how your life would have been, I wonder how far you would have gone in your career. I wonder if we would still have served together. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, you would never have been aboard Renown. Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry. This is my fault entirely.

I will never forgive myself, Archie, for not killing him earlier for what he had done to you. I will never forget the fear in your eyes when you finally told me what happened in those dark holds aboard Justinian, the horrors he subjected you to. That fear was not only of Jack Simpson, but of how I would view you for what happened. Archie, the trust you showed in me by telling me of those things, shook me to my very soul, a soul I never even knew I possessed until I met you. How could you think that I would turn from you?

And now, instead, you have turned from me. Forever. My dear friend. How unselfish was your act, how generous and loving was your gift. As with everything in your life, Archie, you gave it from the heart. The purest, brightest light that ever shone on this earth has been forever extinguished, and I know that I shall reside in shadow for the rest of my days. My soul has been silenced, my heart closed to all.

To say that I will miss you does not even begin to encompass the grief I feel right now, the emptiness that presses upon my chest. I cannot do this without you, Archie, and yet I know I must. You wanted me to go on, you wanted me to live, but I do not think it will be living that I do. Rather, it will merely be existing, until we are reunited. I have never been a believer in the afterlife, but now I must be, for I cannot endure the thought of eternity stretching out before me, without you to guide me. What will your welcoming words be this time, Archie? Surely not "welcome to purgatory." Perhaps that is where I will spend my time, but not you. Certain sure, you are already among the angels where you belong.

Goodbye, my dear friend - my brother. I shall see you again. Will you wait for me? I will do as you wished, and I will live my life as you would want me to, striving to be the best that I can be, to honor your memory, so that we may someday be together again. And as I live, I will carry you in my heart - your wit, your honor, your compassion, your strength, but most of all, your love. Thank you, Archie, for showing me what that word truly means, and know that I will honor your sacrifice for the rest of my life. It is the least I can do for the man who meant the world to me.

Fear not, Archie, your name is not tarnished in the eyes of those who knew you well. Your sacrifice will not be in vain, and between us, we will remember you and what you stood for, the pride we all have in you. Someday, my friend, I promise - the world *will* know the truth of who you were. Your innocence will be revealed, and your good name restored. I swear it.

Until then, we must be parted. Your physical body has been taken away, yet strangely, I find myself unable to leave. I still feel you here, my friend - still feel your light and warmth, as if you were standing beside me once again. Perhaps you are. I like to think that you will always be at my side, even if I can't actually see you there. It helps. Only a little, but it helps. I still feel the band around my chest as I think of you, the pain that squeezes my heart until it is shriveled and dead, and I know that life itself has irrevocably changed. No one will ever touch me as you did.

Godspeed, Archie. Know always that, in my own way, I loved you. Your memory will be protected deep within my heart, and not a day will pass that I do not think of you, and miss you. My dearest friend. Wait for me. I'll be there soon.