Part Three
Previously on Buffy:
(At Rivendull a Scoobyship of the Ring is formed to throw the evil Ring into the Hellmouth. The members are a Slayer who failed geography, her technically non-existent sister, a dull vampire with a soul, an interesting vampire without a soul but with a dumb British accent, a dumb Brit, two gay witches with dodgy fashion sense, puffy comedy relief, and a man-hating ex-Vengeance demon who's dating the puffy comedy relief cause he's not much of a man anyway. They waste a whole episode and only manage to travel two miles.)
GILES: We've arrived at the gates to Moria.
ANYA: Now you can experience my people's hospitality. You'll be fed, kept warm, and save plenty of time by going through the mountain instead of over it. All for a marginally low price.
BUFFY: There's no handle. How do you open a door with no door handle.
DAWN: Duh, you push it.
GILES: There appears to be something written on the door. I'll consult my books to translate it.
TARA: I guess we'll be saying goodbye to B-Bill the pony. Where is he anyway?
(Spike starts whistling innocently.)
BUFFY: Spike! You ate Bill the pony?!
SPIKE: What was I supposed to do? Angel always hogs all the soddin' pig's blood. There's hardly any left over for me. Blimey, a vamp's got to eat.
BUFFY: But an entire pony? PETA's going to be sooo pissed.
SPIKE: I didn't have all of it.
(Xander burps out a horseshoe. Buffy, Tara and Willow are all giving him the evil eye. Dawn hastily changes the subject.)
DAWN: So we're gonna go through a mine. Won't it be all dirty and cob-webby and mine-ish?
ANYA: It's clean for a mine.
XANDER: Won't it be all dark?
ANYA: Very dark. So dark it's hard to see what the person next to you is doing.
(Willow and Tara exchange joyous looks as they realise they can probably do anything and not be caught.)
WILLOW: Finally. Let's see the UPN censors do anything about us now.
TARA: Three years and we haven't even been able to kiss. Buffy gets sooo much action.
WILLOW: And we get…dancing together.
TARA: And fully-clothed snuggling.
ANYA: Lucky Xander and I can talk about sex and have sex and…Xander, let's go have sex.
WILLOW: Stupid meaningful gazing into each other's eyes. There's only so many meaningful gazes you can take before you want to rip off somebody's clothes and kiss and grope every part of their body, and make them scream so loud that they…
TARA: Uh Will honey, remember the censors. We're not in the m-mines yet.
WILLOW: Right. Mustn't think about sex, must think about platonic love affair.
GILES: I think I've translated the writing on the door. It says "Speak friend and enter".
BUFFY: What does that mean?
GILES: It's a riddle obviously. We have to say the password and then the door will open.
(Giles says some funny words and waits. The door remains firmly shut.)
GILES: Maybe it's one of those delayed action doors.
(More time passes. Nothing happens. Giles takes off his glasses and cleans them.)
SPIKE: So much for your soddin' books.
GILES: Perhaps I got the translation wrong, or maybe the pronunciation.
WILLOW: Maybe I can cast a spell and open it.
ANGEL: "Speak friend and enter". Maybe it means say the word "friend" and it'll open.
GILES: That was my next idea. In Elvish, Eli'spaniel!
BUFFY: Nothing.
(Dawn is throwing stones in the lake just outside the door.)
GILES: Stop throwing those stones, I'm trying to concentrate.
(Dawn glares at him and throws one last stone which accidentally flies in Giles' direction and clips him on the ear. He yells.)
WILLOW:
What language does that word mean "friend" in?
BUFFY: Giles, don't use that language
in front of Dawn. You're corrupting her
innocent mind.
GILES: Her innocent mind? She taught me that language.
SPIKE: Actually I think that does mean friend in some or other language. Once I was talking to this bleedin' Jejoba demon, and we were talkin' about our favourite TV shows. And his is Friends, so the Jejoban word for friends is Yushitbastardkuntmutherfu…
BUFFY: Giles, why don't you try some more words for "friend"? Except for Jejoban.
GILES: Kariakis.
ANGEL: Nope.
GILES: Demerol Antipasto
SPIKE: Bloody nothing.
GILES: Pellagra.
BUFFY: Closed.
(Two hundred names later the door remains shut. Xander and Anya return to the group, their clothes dishevelled.)
GILES: Good Lord, I've been through all the words for "friend" of fourteen dimensions, and it still doesn't respond. It may be one of the more obscure hell-dimension languages, or perhaps an ancient dialect…
DAWN: There's something else written on the side of the door. In English.
ANGEL: It says "To open door, push".
(Giles does this and the door does indeed open.)
DAWN: Told you so. Why does no-one ever listen to me?
BUFFY: It looks a bit dark in there.
WILLOW: Yes!
BUFFY: I'm not so sure I want to go in there, are there going to be bats?
SPIKE: You're the bleedin' Slayer. You've faced vampires, demons, monsters, and gods, and you're scared there'll be bats?
BUFFY: I'm not scared of the bats, I'm scared there'll be batshit. I don't want to ruin my $2000 Prada boots.
WILLOW: I could always zap the batpoop away with my magic.
ANYA: Don't worry there's none of that stuff in there. We like to keep the mines clean.
GILES: Anyway bat dropping are nothing to be afraid of. People collect them for all sorts of things. Guano is actually a very valuable industry.
ANYA: What?! Why did nobody tell me this before I bought the BatsBgone powder? Oh God, all that money gone to waste!
(No-one has noticed a tentacle snaking out of the water. It crawls along the ground and grabs Xander's leg.)
XANDER: Arrrggghhh!!!
ANYA: Xander! Somebody help him, Xander's been grabbed by a giant tentacle!
BUFFY: Ooh, where?
GILES: TEN-tacle, Buffy, TEN-tacle.
TARA: I think it's trying to d-drag him towards the water.
(The tentacle is indeedy pulling Xander into the lake, albeit very slowly. In fact a wheezing seems to be coming from the water.)
ANGEL: Quickly Buffy, it's tiring. Let's attack.
(The scoobyship, those who actually have any idea of how to fight rush in. Most cleverly they dive into the water, forgetting that monsters generally don't come with only one tentacle. They find seven other tentacles. The mouth the tentacles belong to eats them.)
TARA: That's not g-good.
GILES: On the bright side, the time it takes to digest Angel and Xander should keep it busy for a week.
DAWN: Now I have no mother or sister. Cool, freedom at last!
ANYA: Can't we do anything? Xander's in that thing! I'm the only thing he's supposed to be in.
(Willow casts a spell that makes the tentacled monster nauseous. It throws up Buffy, Spike, Angel and Xander. The others rush towards them.)
ANYA: Xander, I'm so happy you're alive. I'd hug you, but I don't want to get tentacled monster spit on me.
GILES: Let's get inside before the creature recovers.
(They run inside and the tentacled monster tries to drag itself after them. The entrance collapses. They are trapped. Opening credits.)
DAWN: Wow, it's like inky blackness in here. I can't see a thing.
ANGEL: Is everyone all right?
GILES: It would be wise for us to hold hands so we don't lose each other.
SPIKE: Bloody good idea.
BUFFY: Spike, that's NOT my hand.
SPIKE: Sorry, lost me bearings there. Rather take my hand. Here.
BUFFY: That's not your HAND either.
GILES: Willow, perhaps you should use a spell to light a fire. Willow?
WILLOW: Hmmm, what?
GILES: What are you up to? Are you busy kissing Tara?
WILLOW: Uh…
TARA: That's impossible, I'm over here.
WILLOW: You are? Then who am I kissing? Anya!
ANYA: You're not Xander? I wondered why you were so clean-shaven. Plus the strawberry lip balm.
XANDER: Anya, if you're over there, then whose butt am I squeezing.
ANGEL: That's you Xander?
XANDER: Oh God, no.
GILES: I think we urgently need some light before this turns into an orgy.
WILLOW: I'm on it. Luminosa!
PIG: Oink.
XANDER: That worked great. Now we're still in the dark, but we've got a pig.
WILLOW: I'd like to see you find the right herbs in the dark. I must've used Greenwort instead of Needlewort. I think I've got the right herb now, my spell should make light. Or if I use St. Alban's Wort by mistake, it could turn us all into worms.
GILES: Perhaps we should find a safer way of making light. Dawn, toss your hair.
(Instantly the chamber is filled with light as Dawn tosses her shiny hair. Most of the scoobyship are in various states of undress.)
GILES: Are Dawn and I the only ones who aren't obsessed with finding sexual gratification around here?
DAWN: Speak for yourself, as soon as I'm legal…
BUFFY: Dawn!
DAWN: Like I was saying as soon as I'm legal I'm going to wait until I'm married.
BUFFY: Good. I was getting worried there.
XANDER: Eeeeeeek!!
ANGEL: What is it?
XANDER: Look down.
(Strewn along the ground are corpses. It has been the site of a battle recently.)
DAWN: What happened
ANGEL: Vampires have been here before us.
ANYA: No, this can't be happening!! Please let it not be true! Don't let them have taken our money!
GILES: We must tread warily. If the vampires find us, the consequences could be disastrous.
SPIKE: Yeh, it's not like we have a soddin' Slayer with us or anything.
WILLOW: Why don't I cast a spell to make us invisible to vampires?
TARA: Sweetie, I think you're using way too much m-magic…why do I have dèja vu?
WILLOW: No idea.
TARA: I think you should give up magic.
WILLOW: Forget. Hey Tara honey, you don't think I use too much magic, do you?
TARA: Why would I think something like that?
(They go deep into the mine. At one point while the scoobyship are resting, Buffy notices a shadowy figure in the background.)
BUFFY: Giles, I think we're being followed.
GILES: Brilliant deduction. After a good many days on the road, your Slayer instincts finally reveal that fact to you.
BUFFY: You knew? But how.
GILES: I look behind me every once in a while. The creature that is following us is Drugollum.
BUFFY: What does it want?
GILES: The Ring. Drugollum used to be a sweet innocent person before she found the ring. It corrupted her until she went mad. Now she speaks in riddles.
DRUGOLLUM: My pretty, I need you, precious. If you throw a rock down a waterfall, then the kittens will dance.
BUFFY: Pity somebody hasn't killed her already.
GILES: Pity? Who are you to decide who lives and dies?
BUFFY: Uh, the Slayer?
GILES: Good point.
BUFFY: What a drag this whole Ring thing is turning out to be. I wish the Ring had never come to me.
GILES: So do all who live to see such times. But you're the Slayer. So nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
BUFFY: Thanks I feel so much better now. With watchers like you, who needs vampires?
GILES: We've rested enough, let's get on our way. Where is everybody?
DAWN: Xander and Anya went somewhere together, and Willow and Tara went in another direction together.
BUFFY: Why don't Spike and I go and find them?
GILES: Good idea Buffy. Except you're going in the wrong direction. Buffy! She's gone.
ANGEL: I'll go after her and point her in the right direction.
(A little way away in the dark are Xander and Anya.)
XANDER: Anya, it's sort of hard to see what I'm doing.
ANYA: Mmmm, you said hard. Kiss me Xander, kiss me.
(There are sounds of smooching for a few minutes.)
ANYA: Not there you idiot, lower.
XANDER: Don't blame me, I can't see anything.
ANYA: What's your excuse the times you can see?
XANDER: …You like this don't you?
ANYA: Xander, that's my armpit.
XANDER: I can't work my Xander magic in the dark. The dark is too…dark.
ANYA: Ow Xander, watch where you point that thing! You poked me in the eye.
(Another way away are Tara and Willow.)
TARA: Oh yeah. This feels a lot better than just holding hands.
WILLOW: OK, now what?
TARA: What do you m-mean?
WILLOW: I'm not too sure where to go from here.
TARA: How can you not be sure?
WILLOW: I wasn't always gay you know.
TARA: Oh yeah, I forgot about wonderful Oz. You'd k-know exactly what to do with him.
WILLOW: Don't be jealous sweetie, I'm with you now.
TARA: Only cause he's a w-werewolf.
WILLOW: Come on, don't be like this. There's one thing we've got that Oz and I didn't. Wild witchy magic.
TARA: So?
WILLOW: I found this great spell we can do. It's called the wild screaming orgasm spell. Now I know you're probably going to say it's bad to use personal magic…
TARA: Why'd you think a dumb thing like that? How do you do the spell?
(Back to Xander and Anya.)
XANDER: What is that screaming?
ANYA: I remember when you used to be able to make me scream in pleasure like that. Repeatedly. And in many different positions.
XANDER: I haven't stopped. It's just dark.
ANYA: Xander, are you scared of the dark?
XANDER: No, I just like to see who I'm boinking.
ANYA: Are you afraid I'll turn back into a demon, and that I'll want to punish you because you're a man?
XANDER: Now I am!
ANYA: You're so cute when you're scared. You don't have to worry about that, if I ever turn back into a demon I won't punish you.
XANDER: Phew.
ANYA: But if you EVER break my heart or hurt me in any way, I'll make sure you suffer so much that you'll beg for a quick death, understand little man?
XANDER: That really clarifies things for me. I'm absolutely terrified now.
(Some distance away Angel has just found Buffy and Spike.)
ANGEL: Buffy? Are you here?
BUFFY: Yes Spike, you revolting creature, there, right there! That's it, yes, YES, YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!
ANGEL: Buffy, is that you?
SPIKE: Sod off you pointy haired pratt, can't you see the Slayer and I are shagging.
BUFFY: Angel, what are you doing here?
ANGEL: Buffy, are you and Spike, um, having S…E…X? I can't believe it! With Spike! He's a vampire.
BUFFY: So are you.
ANGEL: He's cruel and malicious. He's killed people.
BUFFY: So have you.
ANGEL: He's over a hundred years old.
BUFFY: You're even older.
ANGEL: Uh…he wears nail polish.
SPIKE: But I'm not a poufter. Tell him what a great shagger I am.
BUFFY: I don't know what a poufter or a shagger is, but he's right.
ANGEL: I can't believe you'd do this to me. Wasn't I a good enough lover for you?
SPIKE: Obviously bloody not.
BUFFY: Sure you were.
SPIKE: What??!
BUFFY: You have got three hundred years of experience. I don't want to stop having sex with you Angel. But I also want to hump Spike.
ANGEL: You can't have both of us.
BUFFY: I was kind of hoping I could. At the same time.
ANGEL: What a disgusting thought.
SPIKE: Turns me stomach.
BUFFY: Oh come on, you can't tell me you've never fantasised about it.
SPIKE: Well there was that time in France in 1894. You were wearing that bleedin' cute stovepipe hat…
ANGEL: And you still had brown hair…
SPIKE: And Darla and Dru were off somewhere…
ANGEL: And we were alone together…
BUFFY: Now we're cooking!
(Giles hears more screaming and moaning in the distance. He takes off his glasses and cleans him.)
GILES: Good Lord.
DAWN: When am I going to be old enough to get some action?
GILES: You know young Dana…
DAWN: Dawn.
GILES: Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's very overrated.
DAWN: Spoken like somebody who's not getting any.
GILES: I don't need to "get any". There's more to life than sex. There's art and literature and music and…Oh God, I'm so lonely. If only I was back with Faith.
DAWN: I thought you were being tortured at Faith's.
GILES: I was, I just meant that perhaps if I was being tortured again I'd be able to appreciate the meaning of life again. I appreciate it more just thinking about it, Faith standing over me dressed in black leather, whip in hand, me handcuffed…
DAWN: Giles, you're drooling.
GILES: What? So I was, must've been the fear.
(The scoobyship is reassembled many hours later. For a few days they wander through Moria, narrowly avoiding vamps.)
ANYA: Up ahead is the section of the mines where my uncle lives.
BUFFY: You have an uncle? What's his name?
ANYA: Hanuraka the Foul. He's a Fire demon. His hospitality is renowned. And he makes great flan.
XANDER: Well anybody who makes great flan is fine by me.
ANYA: Here we are, at the entrance to his chamber.
(They enter to find skeletons and blood and other nasty stuff.)
GILES: Anya, I'm afraid the vampires have been here. Look at the carnage they have left.
ANYA: No it always looks like this. I told you, he's a demon.
SPIKE: There's an awful lot of dust, that's a sign bloody vampires have been here.
WILLOW: There's a book on the floor. It looks like a diary.
GILES: Hand it to me, let me read it. "Have been v.good to keep on diet. Expect to go down to 9st by party on Saturday. Mmm, Mark Darcy's going to be there. Pity he's a complete snob because he's infinitely shaggable. Am so depressed do not have a man. Must have drink."
ANGEL: Turn to the last page.
BUFFY: Yeah, I want to see if she gets that Darcy guy in the end.
GILES: "Vampires are coming. Shit. Am probably going to die. Or be turned into vampire. Hmm, wonder if vampires gain much weight? Have never seen fat vampires. Pro of being vampire, might be thin and gorgeous. Con is would be dead. Vampires have just broken down door. They are attacking. Arrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!! Am dead."
(While this is happening Dawn is looking at a rock. Which is balanced precariously on the edge of a very deep well. Which for some reason is attached to a suit of armour. Naturally Dawn pokes the rock. Which falls. The armour is dragged along the ground. And into the very deep well. It makes a lot of noise.)
DAWN: Oops.
GILES: You stupid girl! Throw yourself in next time!! You know how much noise that just made?!!! Why don't we just wear some sirens and go around screaming LOOK HERE WE ARE, WE'VE GOT THE RING, COME AND GET US!!!!! With a great flashing neon sign!!!
(Somewhere in the deep of the mines a whole lot of vampires look up, startled. There are many vampires in the mine so things often get knocked down shafts. What the vampires don't usually hear is an angry British voice screaming like that. The vampires go in the direction of the voice. A couple of the vampires used to be in a musical band when they were still alive, so they play some drums.)
SPIKE: Oh bollocks, I think they soddin' heard us.
BUFFY: Good I haven't slayed anything in a while.
ANGEL: Close the doors, we'll face them as they break it down!
(They manage to close the doors just as the vampires reach them. They draw their weapons. The vampires break down the door. The scoobyship shoot them with their crossbows. A huge, hulking creature enters the chamber.)
DAWN: Get out, get out, GET OUT!
XANDER: What the heck is that?!
GILES: Quickly we must research.
(Giles takes out his books and the scoobyship look through them as the creature waits patiently.)
ANYA: Olaf? Is that you? No need to research. It's Olaf, my troll ex-boyfriend.
BUFFY: That's a relief cause for a second I thought we were going to have to battle…
ANYA: The one who hates me because I turned him into a troll.
OLAF: Anyanka, long time no see. Fraid we won't get much time to talk on account on me having to bash your brains in and all.
SPIKE: Ha! That's where you're buggered troll! Most of these people don't have soddin' brains to bash in.
(The troll raises its hammer and attacks. A really cool, well choreographed battle takes place. The scoobies attack but they all get knocked away. They attack some more but get the crap beaten out of them. They're slow learners so they attack more, and get their asses kicked some more. Buffy attacks with a lance. The troll stabs her with that lance, but luckily Willow conjures up some Mithril armour for her just in time.)
GILES: The hammer Buffy! The troll can only be beaten by its own hammer!
(Buffy grabs hold of the hammer and whacks the troll something mighty. The troll's eyes roll back in its head, little birdies appear above it, and it collapses. Right on top of Spike. Bet you thought it was going to be Dawn again.)
BUFFY: Yes!! Score, Buffy 1, troll zippo!
(Buffy raises the hammer again to finish him off.)
ANYA: Wait! Don't kill him.
BUFFY: There'd better be a damn good reason for me not to.
XANDER: Of course there is, tell them An.
ANYA: I think I still have feelings for Olaf.
XANDER: See…WHAT?!
ANYA: Come on, look at him. He's totally hot.
XANDER: He's a troll!
ANYA: And what a troll. Those huge muscles, horns…
XANDER: I can't believe I'm competing with a troll.
GILES: I can't take any more of this. Somebody kill the troll just to shut those two up.
(Buffy brings the hammer down on the troll. There is a big Kersplunk.)
BUFFY: Troll's dead.
ANYA: Pity.
DAWN: You don't seem all that broken up about it.
ANYA: Boyfriends come, boyfriends go, plenty of other fish in the sea. Anyway, I've got Xander.
XANDER: After what you just said about that troll you expect me to act like everything's peachy between us?
ANYA: Yes.
XANDER: You're right. Let's make out.
SPIKE: Cld smby pls sddn gi me oa fr una hea?
GILES: I'm tempted to ignore this, but Spike is stuck under the troll.
BUFFY: Don't worry Spikey poo, I'll save you from suffocation.
GILES: Vampires don't breathe, he can't suffocate.
BUFFY: Spike is trapped and all you can think about is a minor technical detail like that?! How can you be so cold?
GILES: I'm not being cold, I'm simply saying he is in no danger.
(Buffy lifts up the troll and pulls Spike out.)
BUFFY: Oh Spike, I almost lost you. I hate you, you're disgusting.
SPIKE: Blimey, I aint going anywhere Summers. Now kiss me.
GILES: There's no time for that sort of thing, the vampires will resume their attack any second. We've got to get out, now! They'll suck our blood if they find us, we'll become dried up husks!
SPIKE: I think you're a good bleedin' way to being a dried up husk already.
(They run, chased by hordes of vampires, who for some reason all seem to attack one at a time. They are surrounded. The vampires sneer and hiss. Then they scream and run away.)
BUFFY: I knew they couldn't take us on.
ANGEL: Uh Buffy?
SPIKE: They're soddin' scared.
ANGEL: I don't really think…
WILLOW: A big bunch of vampires against the nine of us and they run. Fraidy cats.
ANGEL: I think the reason they're running…
DAWN: Oh we're ugly, mean vampires, and we're so strong and powerful. Help, here come the stupid Slayer and her supercool sister and their sidekicks, we're so scared.
ANGEL: Listen guys…
XANDER: That's right, run away to your vampire mommies. I'll do a victory dance.
ANGEL: Shut up while I talk!!
BUFFY: Angel, you were so forceful!
ANYA: But you're usually so dull and colourless.
BUFFY: Kind of turns me on. How about you and I…
ANGEL: There's no time for that. Look over there.
(They turn towards Angel's pointing finger to see a huge winged fiery thing coming towards them, a whip in hand, sword in the other. Xander screams and faints, but that's possibly from not having eaten anything for half an hour.)
GILES: To the books.
(The fiery thing whistles the Hawaii 5-0 theme tune as the scoobies research this new creature.)
GILES: Here it is. This is a Balrog. It's a terrible demon, who can't seem to be defeated in single combat.
(The Balrog advances.)
GILES: It would be prudent to run.
ANYA: But what about Xander. We can't leave Xander behind.
ANGEL: Quick, pick him up and carry him.
(They try. They can't lift him more than an inch. Willow casts a spell to make him thin again. They pick him up and run. The reach a chasm. They run down to the bridge of the chasm. Vampires attack and get dusted. The bridge breaks. The scoobies jump across. They run some more. They reach another bridge.)
GILES: We'll never outrun the Balrog. We have to face it.
SPIKE: Good luck to you for that.
GILES: I meant together, as a team.
BUFFY: Willow, can't you cast a spell against that thing?
WILLOW: There is this one "Save us from the Balrog spell", but it needs Waxroot, and I've sort of run out. Tara and I needed it for an uh…important spell.
ANYA: We could always leave someone behind, and while the Balrog is distracted, make our escape. Like Giles.
GILES: That's possibly the most heartless, callous, cold suggestion I've ever heard.
ANGEL: I like it. Maybe you can weave around a little bit, give us some more time to get away.
BUFFY: Bye Giles, we'll really miss you.
(The rest of the scoobies run across the bridge leaving Giles standing in the middle of the bridge. The Balrog appears.)
GILES: What on earth am I going to do? A simple, yet devastatingly handsome and intelligent watcher like me facing a Balrog. I have heard music calms the savage beast, perhaps I should sing to it.
(Giles takes out his guitar and begins playing. The Balrog has reached the bridge. Giles sings. The Balrog stops. Its face is contorting. It puts its hands over its ears. It gives out something that has to be a Balrog scream. It jumps off the bridge.)
SPIKE: I think Giles' soddin' singing caused the Balrog to commit suicide. Can't say I blame it.
GILES: And you thought your old watcher couldn't do it.
(But as the Balrog tumbles down, its whip lashes out and catches Giles' foot. He slips and grabs onto the bridge.)
GILES: Fly you fools, fly!
WILLOW: Ooh goody, I've always wanted to try that particular spell.
GILES: Not literally you twit, I mean fly as in run awAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSPLAT.
BUFFY: Giles!
ANGEL: We should listen to his advice and get out of here.
TARA: H-how? He was the only one of us with any sense of direction at all.
ANGEL: It's not too hard. The exit should be thataway. Or maybe over there, or there. Could also be there.
DAWN: Ooh, can I say the line Spike?
SPIKE: Go right ahead.
DAWN: Oh shite, we're buggered. There. How cool was that?
(Thanks to Angel's innate sense of
direction, and a spell by Willow, they manage to find their way out. Most of the group are tearing up.)
BUFFY: Not Giles! Why Giles?
ANGEL: I know it's a tragedy, but we've got to be strong.
BUFFY: You don't understand! I gave him my $2000 Prada boots to carry! Waaaah!
WILLOW: Poor Giles, what a way to die. Splatted like a great big English pancake.
ANGEL: It wasn't a bad way to die at all. He died to save us…hmmm, I see what you mean.
SPIKE: What a waste. Imagine all the soddin' blood when his head hit the ground.
ANGEL: We can't stay here mourning him. We've got to get far away from here before nightfall.
XANDER: But he was our leader!
ANGEL: Co-leader. What about me?
(The others stare at him and start laughing. Angel glowers.)
ANGEL: Well anyway, I'm the leader now.
SPIKE: Great. Our bleedin' chances of survival just dropped 50%.
DAWN: So did our IQ.
ANYA: One good thing could come out of Giles' death. Did he have life assurance?
XANDER: So brand new fearless leader, where to next?
ANGEL: We must go to LothL'oreal, a forest realm ruled by an enigmatic Elvish witch.
TARA: Ooh, is she gay?
WILLOW: Tara!
TARA: Oh puh-lease, tell me you weren't thinking the same thing.
ANGEL: Come on, we have no time to shed tears.
SPIKE: Blimey mate, let them have a good cry. It's a dramatic moment. Gives them an chance to show off their bloody acting skills.
ANGEL: What acting skills? Onwards to L'oreal.
(Closing credits.)