Part Four
Previously on Buffy:
(The scoobyship go through the mines of Moria, which has been overrun with vampires. So overrun, they don't meet any until their last day. Xander and Anya find out how difficult it is to have sex in complete darkness. Willow and Tara discover the pleasures of not being able to be seen by the censors. Buffy, Spike, and Angel discover the pleasures of a threesome. Giles remains sexually frustrated, until he is killed by a Balrog. Faith doesn't appear the entire episode and is pissed.)
FAITH: I'm pissed. I didn't appear in the last episode. Somebody's going to pay.
(She slays an indiscriminate extra who is feeding her grapes. A vampire walks in.)
VAMPIRE: I have news mistress.
FAITH: Tell it to me. And don't call me mistress, only Giles is allowed to call me that during one of our sessions.
VAMPIRE: Giles is dead.
FAITH: What?! Hell no, no more happy with the watcher.
VAMPIRE: The others escaped us however.
FAITH: So B and Angel and Xander and Red and co are still alive? Wicked cool, maybe I'll get to have some fun after all.
VAMPIRE: There is also a problem with the vampire breeding programme.
FAITH: My plan to create a super vampire, with the strength of a normal vampire yet the ability to walk around in daylight? What's up with it?
VAMPIRE: We managed to cross humans with vampires, but sort of got the opposite. A vampire with human strength and only able to walk around at night.
FAITH: How the fuck am I going to have my final showdown? I was planning on sending my supervamps to face the scoobies in a climactic final action scene. Now what do I have?
(A pamphlet floats down from the sky. Faith takes it and reads it.)
FAITH: Sunnydale Foundation for Diseases of the Skin…blah blah blah…Dangers of the sun…blah blah blah…safety first…blah blah blah…
(Her mouth twists into a sardonic smile.)
FAITH: Sunscreen, hey? Thanks Angel, talk about poetic justice. You've just signed your own death warrant…well, you could if you weren't already dead. Annoying vampire minion, give all the other annoying vampire minions tubes of sunscreen.
VAMPIRE: Must I send them out after the scoobyship?
FAITH: No, I'll be leading them myself. If you want something done right, get Faith to do it for you.
VAMPIRE: But you are Faith mistress, is there another Faith?
FAITH: It's called the third goddamn person. Does a diet of blood make you lose braincells faster? To steal another character's line, get out, get out GET OUT!
(The vampire bows and turns. As he is about to leave, Faith fast as lightning is behind him and dusts him.)
FAITH: These stupid vampires would be driving me insane if I was sane to begin with. Shit, look at all this dust! I really need a maid. Maybe when I beat B, I can get her to vacuum in one of those little French maid's outfits. This is great, I'm really getting some good airtime here, finally! Somebody's figured out that bad girls are so much more interesting than…
(Back to the scoobies. They have just arrived at L'oreal, and are stealthily sneaking through the forest.)
DAWN: EWWWWWW!!! That is SOOO gross!
ANGEL: Shh, we're supposed to be silently creeping through these woods.
DAWN: But I just saw the biggest bug, it was HUGE! I mean, it was like this big!
BUFFY: Dawn, if you don't shut up I'm going to get Willow to turn you into a bug.
WILLOW: Goody, I always wanted to try that spell out.
ANGEL: Buffy wasn't being serious.
BUFFY: Wasn't I? Cause the name Dawn the dung beetle sounds so right to me.
DAWN: I also got a great name, Buffy the butter…bee…barfbug! That's it, Buffy the barfbug!
BUFFY: There's no such bug, is there?
XANDER: If Giles was here, he'd know.
SPIKE: Yeh, what a bloody stick up his arse anal retentive he was.
ANGEL: Does nobody know what stealthy means around here?
SPIKE: We aint making much noise at all, that soddin' shirt of Xander's louder than all of us combined.
ANYA: I'll get rid of Xander's shirt if anyone wants. And his pants. And his underwear.
(Spike's face contorts, though not in a vampirey way, at the image of Xander naked.)
SPIKE: Somebody stake me now.
XANDER: Happy to oblige.
ANGEL: Let me say this slowly, shut up.
XANDER: But…
ANGEL: Zippit!
XANDER: Hold on…
ANGEL: Zip-it!
BUFFY:
Hey that reminds me of Oz. How
is he?
WILLOW: Same old, same old. Still a werewolf unfortunately.
(Willow catches Tara's eye.)
WILLOW: Not that I mind since I'm now with a girlfriend I love very much. Being gay and all.
ANGEL: It's strange how things change. When I was human, gay had a completely different meaning. Gay was good.
(The two very powerful gay witches glare at him.)
ANGEL: Not that there's anything wrong with that now. But back then, people liked being gay.
TARA: I like being gay.
ANGEL: If you had a smile on your face, people would come up to you and say "You're looking very gay today my good sir". And you would answer "Yes my good sir, I am indeed gay".
(Angel is nostalgically looking back on the days when he was a human drunk loser. Luckily there is no flashback.)
ANGEL: Of course gay people weren't called gay back then. They were perverted sods, and unnatural tools of the devil. They'd be burnt alive, alongside the heretics, witches, unmarried women, peasants who didn't know their place, and just about anyone who had any independent thought. Ah, the good old days…
(Lost in his daydream Angel doesn't notice the group of heavily armed elves sneaking up on him. One of them points his bow at his ear.)
ELF: The pointy-haired one makes so much noise we could have shot him in the dark.
SPIKE: True, but then with Dawn's hair around, you probably could've soddin' shot us in the dark anyway.
ELF: We must take you to our queen.
(They are lead through the forest until they reach the queen's domain. They are taken to a clearing. There they face the Elf Queen. She is strangely beautiful and wears a very skimpy silvery outfit.)
ELF: Queen Cordelia, ruler of LothL'oreal.
(She fixes them all with a steady gaze. The scoobyship shift uncomfortably. She almost seems to be seeing their innermost thoughts. Suddenly Spike starts crying.)
BUFFY: Spikey, what's wrong? Are you getting images of what's happening in your homeland?
SPIKE: No, it's her bleedin' hairstyle. I never imagined anything could look so awful.
CORDELIA (VO.): Buffy, Buffy…
BUFFY (VO.): Holy shit, I'm getting voices in my head! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that fungus in Moria.
CORDELIA (VO.): Do not be afraid Buffy, it's me Cordelia. I am showing off my flashy magic powers by communicating telepathically.
BUFFY (VO.): Telewhat?
CORDELIA (VO.): Mind to mind.
BUFFY (VO.): When did you suddenly become so smart?
CORDELIA (VO.): When they gave me the
part of wise queen, OK? I've got to be
smart for this role.
BUFFY (VO.): Must be a big leap.
CORDELIA (VO.): I'll ignore that. I might've formerly had a bitchy comeback to that, but I've grown and advanced since the first few seasons.
BUFFY (VO.): You mean you've gotten more boring.
CORDELIA (VO.): How do you think you'd get hanging around Angel all the time?
BUFFY (VO.): I sympathise. The guy's great for a hump, but he's not exactly Mr Interesting. Heck, Tara has more personality than him. Unless he's evil. Mmm, evil Angel…
CORDELIA (VO.): Amen to that. Listen, I'd love to stay and mindchat, but I've got to invade the heads of the other scoobies.
(Cordelia moves on.)
CORDELIA (VO.): Xander…
XANDER (VO.): Don't worry stomach, I'll eat right away.
CORDELIA (VO.): It's not your stomach, it's your head.
XANDER (VO.): I'll get Anya right away.
CORDELIA (VO.): Your other head. The big one on top.
XANDER (VO.): Oh. That's a first.
CORDELIA (VO.): It's me Cordelia communicating mind to mind.
XANDER (VO.): Mind to mind? Does that mean you can see what I'm thinking?
CORDELIA (VO.): It's sort of necessary.
XANDER (VO.): Mustn't think about sex. Must NOT think about sex. Sex. Help. Anya naked. Buffy naked. Willow and Tara naked. Willow and Tara naked together. No, help. Anya, Buffy, Willow and Tara all naked together, me in the middle. Cordelia naked. Please stop thinking about sex. Anya, Buffy, Willow, Tara and me naked together, Cordelia holding whip. Spike naked. Oh stop me.
CORDELIA (VO.): Ewwww! Xander! I'm not staying in your mind!
(Afterwards the scoobyship is shown to the clearing where they will sleep. In the middle of the night Buffy is awoken by a strange sound.)
BUFFY: Who the hell is snoring so loud?
(She cannot get to sleep so she decided to walk around looking for something to slay. She sees Cordelia wandering around. She follows her. They come to a clearing and Cordelia pours some water into a basin.)
BUFFY: I'm all for the whole washing, cleansing and toning routine, but isn't it a bit late?
CORDELIA: This is the Fountain of Spoilers. Anyone who looks into its waters sees what has happened, what is happening, and what may yet come to pass.
BUFFY: You're so longwinded, you're sounding like Giles. Just say the past, the present, and the future.
CORDELIA: Critical much? I'm supposed to use language like this, I'm a mysterious type person. Now how about looking into the fountain?
(Buffy gazes down into the waters of the fountain which begin to ripple and swirl. Images appear, terrible images: Buffy getting her ass kicked, Buffy breaking a nail, Buffy getting captured and wearing rags, Buffy's hair all mussed up…oh and her friends and family dying and in slavery and stuff.)
BUFFY: The future is horrible, my skin is just so dry! Can I stop this awful future from taking place?
CORDELIA: Your mission rests on a knife edge, the slightest sway and it can fall either way, success or defeat.
BUFFY: So what's new? That happens to me every season.
CORDELIA: The scoobyship is breaking.
BUFFY: Not surprising, look who's in the scoobyship.
CORDELIA: But while some survive, there is still hope.
BUFFY: Weren't you supposed to say all this stuff earlier when everybody was here?
CORDELIA: You're ruining my one big scene here! Unlike you, I don't have scenes every five minutes. I've got to make the most of this cameo.
BUFFY: Maybe if you had stayed bitchy instead of turning into Mother Theresa, you might've gotten a bigger role.
(The old Cordelia might have had a great comeback, but Angel-ified Cordelia is too calm and serene for that. She ignores Buffy and continues.)
CORDELIA: He will try take the Ring from you.
BUFFY: Who?
CORDELIA: You know of whom I speak.
BUFFY: Not really.
CORDELIA: Oh come on, you do know.
BUFFY: No who?
CORDELIA: SPIKE, YOU BRAINLESS BLONDE BIMBO!
BUFFY: So much for the whole calm and mysterious Elf princess thing.
CORDELIA: Work with me here, OK?
BUFFY: Can I wash my hair in the fountain?
CORDELIA: No, it's an object of great power and value, of course you may not wash your hair in it. You don't wash your hair in fountains that give visions.
BUFFY: How's it do that anyway?
CORDELIA: I sort of transferred my mind-numbing visions to the fountain.
BUFFY: How?
CORDELIA: I um, washed my hair in it. I thought they were only passed on by kissing, so sue me.
BUFFY: A lot of times ancient texts just don't reveal that sort of thing.
CORDELIA: On the plus side, I'm saving a fortune on aspirin. On the not so good side, playing the lottery's a lot harder.
(Buffy is getting bored and realises she's losing a lot of kinky time with Angel and Spike by talking to Cordelia.)
BUFFY: Wow, look at the time. The episode's just flashing past. Got to go.
CORDELIA: But what about my scene? Is this all I get?
BUFFY: You want more? I'm bored of this storyline. You want to take the Ring?
CORDELIA: You offer it to me freely?
BUFFY: No-one's stopping you paying if you want. I'm sure Anya would be thrilled.
(An ethereal golden light engulfs Cordelia as she spreads her arms wide.)
CORDELIA: Than you would not have a Big Bad, BUT A QUEEN, NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL IN HER TERRIBLENESS! AND PEOPLE WOULD BOW TO HER, AND WOULD WORSHIP HER, AND GIVE HER GIFTS AND PRAISES! IT WOULD BE LIKE HIGH SCHOOL, ONLY BETTER!!!
BUFFY: Glad to see there's still some of the old Cordelia left.
(The golden light fades and Cordelia returns to normal.)
CORDELIA: I have passed the test. I managed to resist the Ring.
BUFFY: Cordelia passing a test? You really have changed, haven't you?
CORDELIA: You must go. The climactic final scene awaits. I won't be there.
BUFFY: Why? Where will you be?
CORDELIA: Calling my agent. This part really sucks? What if this is my last line?
(The next morning the scoobyship say goodbye to the elves and LothL'oreal and row their boats down the river Celerybrant.)
ANGEL: It's good to be on the water. I've always liked the water, crossing the ocean stowed away. I love seafood.
SPIKE: Sailors always have bleedin' tasty, I've got to admit.
XANDER: This calls for a rousing rendition of Row Your Boat. All together now: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream…
DAWN: What are you, like seven?
XANDER: This from someone who has the emotional maturity of a three year old.
ANGEL: Guys calm down, we're all on the same team here.
BUFFY: If only Giles was here.
ANGEL: So he'd be able to stop the insults?
BUFFY: No, so he'd be able to make some really scathing witty insults. These ones suck.
DAWN: Boogerboy.
XANDER: Poophead.
SPIKE: Blimey, where's the soddin' humour gone? Where's the brilliant one-liners and verbal sparring?
BUFFY: Duh, it's fanfic.
(Anya is looking a little green. No not her hair, her face.)
ANYA: Can we park on the bank for a second? Better yet, can we leave the boats and walk?
ANGEL: When we say bank, we don't mean the First National kind?
ANYA: I know, I'm not dumb. I'm just feeling a bit nauseous. Like I'm going to vomit.
BUFFY: Now that's a mental image right up there with Mom and Giles having sex.
DAWN: Mom and Giles had sex?! Oh my God, I think I'm going to need major psychological help to get over this!
BUFFY: You get over it. Just like that time Mom hit on Xander.
DAWN: Mom hit on XANDER??!! That's as bad a thought as something like…like…I don't know, you and Spike having sex.
BUFFY: Who told you? It was supposed to be a secret.
DAWN: AARRGHHH!
TARA: I think you should stop talking before you t-traumatise Dawn for life.
ANYA: Dawn?! I'm the one who's sick here, not Dawn. Me. Anya.
DAWN: Shut up, they're actually paying attention to me! They're focusing on my problems, on my…
WILLOW: So Anya, do you think it could have been something you ate? There was the shrimp the elves gave us for breakfast. Maybe it was bad.
BUFFY: But Xander ate two buckets of those shrimps and he's fine.
SPIKE: Oh for sod's sake, she's bleedin' seasick.
XANDER: Shows how much you know, we're not on the sea.
SPIKE: We don't need to be on the sea you wanker.
DAWN: What's a wanker?
BUFFY: It's an English food that you eat with mash.
SPIKE: That's bangers you twit. A wanker's a sort of a mild swearword for a guy who…
BUFFY: Swearword? Cover your ears Dawn.
DAWN: No, I want to hear Spike's explanation.
BUFFY: You're too young.
DAWN: That's so unfair, when you were my age you were already screwing Angel.
BUFFY: I was not! And don't use words like screwing. We're a family show.
ANGEL: Family, that's a good one.
SPIKE: So like I was saying, wanking is bleedin' jerking off…
BUFFY: Spike, Ixnay on the ankingway.
DAWN: I do understand Pig Latin you know. Real Latin too.
BUFFY: Where did you learn Latin?
DAWN: I don't know, a watcher, two witches, a 1000 year old ex-demon. Not that many places, I know.
BUFFY: If you're so good at Latin talk to me.
DAWN: Well, I don't remember everything.
(Buffy smiles triumphantly at Dawn who scowls and mumbles some Latin sounding words. The aforementioned witches giggle. Not the watcher, cause he's dead. Not the ex-demon either because she's being sick over the side of the boat.)
BUFFY: What did you just say?
WILLOW: She just swore at you.
BUFFY: Figures that'd be all the Latin a dirty little mind like that remembers.
XANDER: Has anybody noticed my girlfriend puking?
SPIKE: You really feel it was soddin' necessary to point that out to us, mate? It's not exactly something to be proud of.
TARA: I c-can't believe an ancient and powerful demon who's been around for over a m-millenium gets seasick.
ANYA: When you've got almost unlimited power, you don't really need to sail much. It's just a click of your finger and poof, you're somewhere.
WILLOW: That's the life, no stupid mortal walking, just poofing.
BUFFY: But imagine how short your average road movie would be. Imagine Thelma and Louise. They'd be at the bottom of the canyon in two minutes.
DAWN: They wouldn't be at the bottom of the canyon. They'd turn all the cops into sheep or something. Duh!
BUFFY: Sometimes I feel like you should be turned into a sheep.
WILLOW: I would do it, but I'm running low on herbs.
ANYA: Just once why couldn't someone have wished for a alternate world with no boats? Ohhh, my stomaaaacccchhhhh!
ANGEL: The boat's barely rocking, how can you possibly feel ill? It's just a river.
TARA: Being the n-nerd in the group now that Giles is gone, I have to ask something nerdy. In ancient lore, aren't vampires supposed to be unable to c-cross running water?
SPIKE: Bloody hell, you want to go and dig up some bleedin' ancient vampire lore? We barely stick to the lore we do use, like walking around in daylight. What next? Stuffing coins in our mouths? Having to count piles of bloody poppy seeds?
XANDER: Mmmm, poppy seeds.
BUFFY: Are poppy seeds even edible?
ANYA: Quiet when I'm in agony.
WILLOW: If you want I can cast a spell to get rid of your seasickness. Or better yet, to zap us forward several days in time.
TARA: Will, I think there's something wrong with what you're d-doing. All the magic you want to cast all the time. It's going way t-too far.
WILLOW: Why don't we just forget?
TARA: No, I don't think we should j-just forget.
(Willow realises she's run out of that forgetting flower.)
TARA: It's not good to use so much magic, so much power. It's d-dangerous.
WILLOW: What's not good is trying to stop an ass-kicking witch away from her magic.
TARA: You s-see? You're basically threatening me.
WILLOW: Not a threat, just a warning.
TARA: You're out of control! You've got to give up m-magic before it's too late.
(What could've been a potentially tense and dramatic moment is spoilt by the sounds of Anya violently throwing up.)
WILLOW: I've never been more in control in my life. You just can't handle the fact that I'm a more powerful witch than you are, after only a couple of years. I didn't hear you complaining about my magic in Moria, with the Screaming Orgasm spell.
(The rest of the scoobyship stare at them. Xander grins at the mental image. He resolves to ask Anya about a threesome when she feels better. The witches don't notice.)
TARA: You've got to face the t-truth, you're an addict. You have to stop!
WILLOW: Who's going to make me stop? Some spineless, stuttering, colourless wimp like you?!
TARA: Look what the magic has done to you! What you're saying! I know you don't m-mean those things.
SPIKE: Even though she's soddin' spot on.
(Tara hears this and proves it's not completely true by turning Spike's skintight black clothes into a Teletubbie costume.)
WILLOW: Don't make me mad, bitch!
(Tara presses on regardless of the fact that Willow's eyes are turning black, and her hair is flying up. This shows either an actual backbone or complete stupidity. You decide.)
TARA: Oh my Goddess, look at yourself Willow! You're crazed with p-power! Stop the madness, stop it now!
(Tara is suddenly flung into the water by an invisible force. She screams for help as she sinks into the waters. She disappears beneath the surface. The water is still. Until Anya begins puking again.)
DAWN: You killed Tara!
WILLOW: I…I…
DAWN: Why??! Why couldn't it have been Buffy?!
ANGEL: The scoobyship is now down to seven. Our mission must go on, regardless.
WILLOW: What have I done?! I killed my girlfriend! I killed the woman I love!
BUFFY: Is this the betrayal from within that Cordelia warned me about?
CORDELIA (VO.): No you numnut, I told you, it's Spike!
BUFFY: I must be on my guard around Willow.
CORDELIA (VO.): Spike! Spike, Spike, Spike…oh never mind. Think whatever you want.
WILLOW: Nooo, I've lost her forever. There's nothing I can do, NOTHING!!
XANDER: Except for the fact that you're a powerful witch who managed to bring Buffy back to life.
WILLOW: Good point.
(Willow says something in Latin, not the same thing Dawn said though. Some flying fish rise up out of the river, Tara holding onto their fins. She is pulled into the boat.)
WILLOW: Tara! I'm so glad you're back, I almost lost you.
TARA: I almost d-died. If it wasn't for those magical flying fish you sent…Thank you Will, for using magic to save me.
WILLOW: Tara, I'm sorry. I'll never use magic again. I promise.
TARA: Oh Will, I love you so much.
(They smooch passionately. The others all awwwww and clap, except for Buffy who is covering Dawn's eyes. It is such a happy reunion that Willow conjures up some fireworks and singing birds. Tara doesn't notice.)
SPIKE: That give you any ideas Ringslayer?
BUFFY: No! I'm not remotely interested in Willow or Tara that way.
SPIKE: I mean you and me.
BUFFY: Oh. Here? In the boat? That's a revolting thought from a revolting creature like you. Later.
SPIKE: We'll just cut forward to the next bleedin' scene then.
(They cut forward to the next bleedin' scene. The scoobyship are on shore, in a clearing surrounded by ruins of statues.)
XANDER: We're out of ice-cream, how long till we get to the Hellmouth?
ANGEL: There is still a long way to travel, we have many episodes to go before the Hellmouth finale. We must travel through a treacherous marsh, and then we must sneak into the Hellmouth undetected.
SPIKE: You mean I've got to put up with you soddin' wankers for much longer?! With any luck a bleedin' army of vampires will show up and kill the lot of you. Except for the Slayer of course.
BUFFY: Oh Spike, you repulsive thing, you're all heart.
ANGEL: He just threatened all of us, and he's all heart? With judgement like that, no wonder all your relationships are failures. You always date losers.
BUFFY: I dated you.
ANGEL: Except me of course. I'm normal.
XANDER: Yeah, a four hundred year old vampire who killed a whole bunch of people and is now looking for redemption. How more normal can you get?
WILLOW: Don't forget the whole Darla thing.
ANGEL: You're telling me about normal relationships? Your relationships have not exactly shone in the normal department. I mean Willow's liked a werewolf, a robot, a witch who thought she was a demon, Xander…
XANDER: Hey!
ANGEL: And with Xander, it's been even worse. A praying mantis, a homicidal Slayer, an ex-demon.
BUFFY: Don't forget Cordelia.
XANDER: Come on? What's wrong with Cordelia?
(Xander thinks about this.)
XANDER: I see what you mean.
CORDELIA (VO.): WHAT??!! Take that dumbass!
(Xander is suddenly struck with a blinding headache.)
ANGEL: We've got to set up camp. Buffy, you should collect firewood. Go alone so anyone can follow you and try to take the Ring from you.
BUFFY: I'm on it.
(Buffy skips happily along whistling a merry little tune. Probably knocked her head getting off the boat. She twirls about, searching for twigs but finding few. She uses her Slayer strength to uproot a tree and chops it with her trusty big axe. A dark figure slinks behind her.)
SPIKE: Bloody hell Slayer, isn't there enough deforestation in the world already?
BUFFY: Spike! You startled me.
SPIKE: Yeh, funny how you can detect every demon and vampire when they're nearby, but when I come up behind you you're always bleedin' surprised.
BUFFY: What do you want Spike? Because you disgust me.
SPIKE: Foreplay already? Blimey, that was quick. I heard you were looking for firewood and I thought I'd help you out. I've got some wood for you.
BUFFY: You're sickening Spikey pooh. I hate you my love.
(As Spike rips away her top the ring tumbles into view. Spike stops and eyes the Ring like it's a glass of O-positive.)
SPIKE: Bloody nice soddin', that Ring, cor blimey.
(Buffy clutches the Ring and steps back. She glares suspiciously at Spike.)
SPIKE: Don't do that you twat, I'm not thinking of taking your pissin' Ring. It just inspires me to do something.
BUFFY: Keep your filthy vampire hands away from it.
SPIKE: I told you, I'm not interested in that Ring. Buffy, I know I'm a vampire and thus your mortal bleedin' enemy, but…
(He goes down on one knee and takes out a diamond ring. Well, cubic zirconium anyway. OK, so it's diamante.)
SPIKE: …will you marry me?
BUFFY: I'm warning you Spike, you dare come near this Ring…
SPIKE: Aren't you soddin' well listening? I'm asking you to be my bloody for-better-or-for-worse wife!
BUFFY: GET BACK SPIKE, NOW!
SPIKE: Listen here you bloody deaf pratt. I want to MARRY you. I envision our lives together, sitting on the couch watching Passions together, a little nibblet of our very own running around torturing small birds. I mean, if soddin' Angel and Darla can have one, why can't we?
BUFFY: I WARNED YOU SPIKE!!
(Buffy picks up the tree trunk and hits Spike in his tight, leather-covered nads. Spike falls to the ground, clutching his bits. Buffy puts on the Ring, turns invisible and runs off. She sees a vision of a bunch of vampires wearing shades and sunscreen running towards them, led by Faith.)
BUFFY: Oh my God, that's bad! Faith's wearing the same knee highs as me!
(Angel shows up as Buffy becomes visible again. He sees her worried expression and puts on his concerned face. He then sees she's in her bra and puts on his happy face. Incidentally these two faces look exactly alike.)
BUFFY: Vamps, a bunch of them coming towards us.
ANGEL: Uh huh, that's nice.
BUFFY: Eyes on face and attention on what I'm saying. Vamps, a few hundred of them on their way to kill us all.
(Angel nods his head and continues to stare. Buffy slaps him.)
BUFFY: Snap out of it woman! We're going to become walking happy meals if we don't get out of here.
ANGEL: But how did you lose your blouse?
BUFFY: Spike evilly ripped it off and tried to take the Ring. I kicked his ass though, his hard, tight ass…
ANGEL: Uh Buffy?
BUFFY: Hmmm?
ANGEL: Didn't you say we were all going to get killed if we stayed here? We've got to focus.
FAITH: It's too late lovebirds.
(Cut to the rest of the scoobyship who are surrounded by vampires. They smirk confidently until they realise the only people who can fight properly are not there.)
DAWN: Vampires, hundreds of them!
WILLOW: There's nothing to be afraid of.
TARA: And they've b-brought giant f-frogs!
WILLOW: Oh God, we're going to die!
ANYA: We mustn't panic, if we panic we're completely screwed.
DAWN: Are those bunnies behind them?
ANYA: ARGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! We're screwed, we're screwed, WE'RE SCREWED!!!
DAWN: Plus, we're out of food.
XANDER: Oh sweet mother of mercy, NOOOO!!!!
ANYA: Well Xander, you've always wanted a chance to show how manly you really are. Here's your chance. Protect us women.
XANDER: Are you crazy?! That's just what I say, I'm really a complete wuss. Mommy!
ANYA: With men like these, people still wonder why I became a vengeance demon.
DAWN: What are we going to do?
(Take note how the vampires are giving them time to discuss this, and are standing patiently at the outskirts.)
XANDER: What can we do. We've got no options.
TARA: Oh Goddess, we're f-f-fucked.
DAWN: Tara!
TARA: What? You d-don't think I swear?
DAWN: No! You've got no backbone! Stuttering is the best you can do.
TARA: Dawnie, you know I l-like you, but shut up you whiny l-little toad.
(Tara turns Dawn's hair dull. Dawn screams. She takes out her shampoo and begins to vigorously wash her hair in the river.)
TARA: Who's got no b-backbone now?
WILLOW: Oh Tara, that was so cool!
TARA: You really think so?
WILLOW: Definitely. The way you spoke, the look in your eyes. You are so sexy.
XANDER: We're cornered by vamps, probably about to die, and you two are flirting?! Have you got no shame?! Get a grip, the both of you!
ANYA: Oh Xander, that was so cool!
XANDER: You really think so?
ANYA: Definitely. The way you spoke, the look in your eyes. You are so sexy.
VAMP: Uh, helloooo? What about us? Are you planning on standing there making googly eyes at each other all day?
XANDER: Sorry, we'll be with you in a sec.
ANYA: Don't be so pushy. You do have all eternity to wait.
VAMP: We've got better things to do than waste it waiting for you jerks.
WILLOW: Like what?
VAMP: Lots of stuff. Like, um…I got it. Survivor's on tonight.
ANYA: Ooh, did you see last week when they voted that cute guy out?
VAMP: Of course, I never miss an episode. I was sooo shocked. It was like, Omigod, how could they do that?
ANYA: Same here, he was the only one with any brains around there.
VAMP: Who's going to find them food now? They'll starve without him.
ANYA: Not that I blame them. I mean, look at the money involved. For a million dollars I'd be willing to do anything. Even eat freaky things like bugs and rotten fish and blood. Mmmm, a million dollars.
VAMP: Mmmm, blood.
XANDER: Mmmm, bugs and rotten fish.
SECOND VAMP: Isn't it sort of weird to talk to humans? Don't play with your food like that.
VAMP: Maybe if you ever bothered to talk to me, I wouldn't have to.
SECOND VAMP: Don't start, I can't help it if I don't watch the same stupid TV shows as you.
VAMP: It's not just that, you don't like anything about me. Not the music I listen to, not my taste in clothes, not my hobbies, nothing.
SECOND VAMP: That's so not true, I just have good taste.
VAMP: There you go. It's not that we have nothing in common, it's that you put down everything I enjoy. If I like it, it must be crap.
SECOND VAMP: Can I help it if you have no taste? I just point out the truth. I call 'em like I see 'em.
VAMP: You're such a snob, you know that?!
(While the vampire leaders are busy arguing, the scoobyship think of a way to end up not being dead.)
XANDER: Isn't there anything we can do?
WILLOW: There is a spell I could cast to turn us all into invincible fighting machines. But, since I've given up magic…
(She looks expectantly at Tara, who shakes her head.)
TARA: No Will, you know you c-can't. You are addicted to magic and I love you too much to s-see you use it.
WILLOW: So you'd rather let us all die than have me use magic?
TARA: Yes.
ANYA: Tara, I've grown accustomed to being human, and needing human things like air, food, and most importantly money and sex. I don't want to die yet. So let Willow use her magic, or I'll throw you to the vampires myself.
TARA: You d-don't understand. I have an idea.
ALL: Yay!
TARA: I'm also a witch, I can also use magic. So I'll cast the s-spell.
ALL: No!
TARA: W-what's that supposed to mean?
XANDER: We just think you're a pathetic witch, that's all.
TARA: I'll show you who's a p-pathetic witch.
(Tara casts the Invincible Warrior spell. But as she's such a pathetic witch, they don't become invincible at all but slightly more warriorish. This means helmets appear on their heads.)
ALL: Attack!
(And on this cliffhangery note, the closing credits come up. That's right, a whole week to wait until you find out whether the scoobyship survive or not. Buwahahahahaha! What a feeling of power! I think I'm addicted to this writing thing. I know exactly what's going to happen, while you foolish mortals are forced to wait AN ENTIRE WEEK! Or you can just skip to the next section now.)