PART EIGHT-
Carter- I can't quite believe this is happening, can't quite take it in. Jessie, bipolar? I keep telling myself there must be some mistake, that Kovac doesn't really know what he's talking about. I tell myself that we've been through all this before, with Harry, and found out there was nothing wrong. Besides, I wasn't this worried about Harry, I think. But that was different. Abby was the one who noticed it, I could push my fear aside saying she was just being paranoid: she's always worried about it, even before we had any kids. This time it was Kovac, I can't kid myself that he only saw it because he was being paranoid. She's not his kid, and he's never had to deal with anyone with bipolar disorder either.
Not that I have. But I've seen what it does to Abby, and I don't like that. I saw her with her mother, the pain that it caused was obvious. And then the whole things with Harry. Until we'd had that consultation, and it was confirmed that he wasn't bipolar, the Abby that I know was gone. She's gone again now, and the thought that the 'real' Abby could be lost is almost as terrifying as the possibility that my daughter has bipolar disorder.
It's so hard, seeing Abby like that. I know she's seeing in her mind all the things her mother's done, except with Jess. And to tell the truth, it's hard not to imagine those things myself. Soon we'll find out the truth, and we can only hope it's good news.
But what if it's not good news? What will that do to us, out little family? I guess that's already happening. Until we find out otherwise, Jess is bipolar. Abby spends her whole time worrying about what's going to happen, and how she's going to cope. Jess can see that her Mum's worried, and I know that upsets her. I try to reassure them both that we're going to be okay, everything's going to be fine. But that's hard when I'm not even sure I believe it myself. Harry. Everyone seems to forget about Harry. The two of them have always fought for attention, and right now he'd not getting it. What sort of father am I, forgetting about my son just because my daughter's ill?
Just like my parents. They weren't there for me because they were so busy grieving over Bobby. At times I don't think they even remembered they had another son. I know they still loved me, but they had a strange way of showing it. They weren't there to praise me when I got a good report at school, or help me out when I'd get in trouble. They weren't there to congratulate me on getting into med. school, or to tell me to keep going when I felt like quitting. They weren't there for me when I was stabbed, when my friend was killed, when I got addicted to drugs. Why? Because Bobby died. I loved my brother, and I miss him, but at times I hate him, because just by dying, he took my parents away from me.
No, I'm not going to be like them. Harry will know he's loved, even if Jess does have bipolar disorder. I'm going to do all the things with Harry that my Dad never did with me. And with Jess. Just because she may have a psychological disorder doesn't mean she can't have dun. I may not know what it was like to have a father after Bobby died, but my kids are going to have one. And a good one at that.
***
Carter- I can't quite believe this is happening, can't quite take it in. Jessie, bipolar? I keep telling myself there must be some mistake, that Kovac doesn't really know what he's talking about. I tell myself that we've been through all this before, with Harry, and found out there was nothing wrong. Besides, I wasn't this worried about Harry, I think. But that was different. Abby was the one who noticed it, I could push my fear aside saying she was just being paranoid: she's always worried about it, even before we had any kids. This time it was Kovac, I can't kid myself that he only saw it because he was being paranoid. She's not his kid, and he's never had to deal with anyone with bipolar disorder either.
Not that I have. But I've seen what it does to Abby, and I don't like that. I saw her with her mother, the pain that it caused was obvious. And then the whole things with Harry. Until we'd had that consultation, and it was confirmed that he wasn't bipolar, the Abby that I know was gone. She's gone again now, and the thought that the 'real' Abby could be lost is almost as terrifying as the possibility that my daughter has bipolar disorder.
It's so hard, seeing Abby like that. I know she's seeing in her mind all the things her mother's done, except with Jess. And to tell the truth, it's hard not to imagine those things myself. Soon we'll find out the truth, and we can only hope it's good news.
But what if it's not good news? What will that do to us, out little family? I guess that's already happening. Until we find out otherwise, Jess is bipolar. Abby spends her whole time worrying about what's going to happen, and how she's going to cope. Jess can see that her Mum's worried, and I know that upsets her. I try to reassure them both that we're going to be okay, everything's going to be fine. But that's hard when I'm not even sure I believe it myself. Harry. Everyone seems to forget about Harry. The two of them have always fought for attention, and right now he'd not getting it. What sort of father am I, forgetting about my son just because my daughter's ill?
Just like my parents. They weren't there for me because they were so busy grieving over Bobby. At times I don't think they even remembered they had another son. I know they still loved me, but they had a strange way of showing it. They weren't there to praise me when I got a good report at school, or help me out when I'd get in trouble. They weren't there to congratulate me on getting into med. school, or to tell me to keep going when I felt like quitting. They weren't there for me when I was stabbed, when my friend was killed, when I got addicted to drugs. Why? Because Bobby died. I loved my brother, and I miss him, but at times I hate him, because just by dying, he took my parents away from me.
No, I'm not going to be like them. Harry will know he's loved, even if Jess does have bipolar disorder. I'm going to do all the things with Harry that my Dad never did with me. And with Jess. Just because she may have a psychological disorder doesn't mean she can't have dun. I may not know what it was like to have a father after Bobby died, but my kids are going to have one. And a good one at that.
***