(It's been quite a while since I posted, I know. And I'm afraid I don't
have an excuse of not having enough time or anything, I just didn't want to
write it! I don't want this chapter to happen, but it has to. So I was
putting it off as long as I could. But here it is now.Please note, I'm
changing Jess' age - according to the other parts she should be 10 here,
but I think she ought to be a bit older, so she's now 12. Harry's still 7
at this point. I'm going to go back and change things that refer to her
age, but I thought I ought to tell those who have already read those parts!
*g*)
PART NINE-
Abby stared at the envelope she held in her hands. It was just a plain brown envelope, with the hospital stamp on the back. Just like the letter they'd had two years ago about Harry. But she couldn't open this one. There was something about it that made her feel insecure. She couldn't explain why, but the envelope just looked like it didn't contain happy news. She turned the envelope over in her hands for the umpteenth time. She was going to open it. She slid her thumb underneath the flap, and.No, she couldn't. She put the envelope back down on the table, and just stared at it.
A firm hand rested on her arm, and she looked up into the eyes of her husband. He was scared too, she could tell. But his look also said 'be strong.' "Abby, we have to open it," he said, sitting down next to her. She nodded: she knew that.
"You open it then," she whispered, pushing the envelope across to him. He shook his head. "John, I'm not doing it." She continued to stare at the envelope, unable to do anything else with it.
"I'm not sure if I can." He, too, started to stare at the envelope. For a few minutes that one brown envelope, addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Carter was the centre of their universes, and nothing else existed.
"Mum? Dad? What are you doing?" a voice asked, coming from the doorway of the kitchen. John was the first to be brought back to the normal world, and looked up at his daughter.
"We just, umm." he paused. "We got a letter Jess."
"Oh, that's nice," she shrugged, walking over to the fruit bowl and picking up an apple. "Is it from anyone nice?" John stared at her, unsure what to say. She looked back at him, puzzled. "What.Oh, that letter." She sighed, and walked over to the table, sitting down opposite her mother. She looked between her parents, seeing their unease. "Have you opened it?" she asked.
"No," Abby managed to answer. "We.we can't."
"What do you mean you can't?" Jess laughed. Sometimes she felt like the only adult in the family. "Mum, look at me. Do I look like I'm having a manic episode?" Abby shook her head. "Dad, do I look like I'm depressed?" John shook his head. "Then what's the problem?"
"Jess, you know those things don't happen all the time."
"Yeah, and I also know I don't feel sick." She reached across the table and picked up the envelope.
"What are you doing Jessie?" John exclaimed, reaching out for the envelope, which she pulled out of his reach.
"I'm reading the letter. If you two won't do it, someone else has to." Abby wanted to tell her not to read other people's mail, but she knew her daughter was right. This was it; they were about to find out.
Jess put her thumb into the hole Abby had made earlier, and slid it along the flap. She pulled a sheet of crisp white paper out of the envelope, and unfolded it slowly. Her eyes skimmed the letter, looking for any indication of the results of the tests. There it was.
Abby twisted a strand of hair around her finger as Jess opened the envelope. She kept hoping that Jess would bottle out, and put the envelope back down. But the piece of paper was removed, and she could see Jess looking through the letter to find the results. There was a reaction, but she couldn't quite tell what it meant. It was a reaction of shock. But was it shock that she was bipolar, or that she wasn't? She couldn't bear not knowing any longer. And yet she didn't want to know. She couldn't ask Jess, so she just looked up and made eye contact with her. Jess' eyes began to fill with tears, and she knew the answer.
"It's positive," Jess choked out. "It's positive." She slowly got up out of the chair, and walked away from the table. "Excuse me, I'm going to my room."
*** As soon as she was in the hallway and out of her parents' sight, Jess started to run. Up the stairs, across the landing, into her bedroom, tears pouring down her cheeks. This wasn't right, it couldn't be happening to her. She felt fine, there was nothing wrong. She threw herself down on the bed, and buried her face in the pillow.
"Jessie?" Harry's voice called her from the doorway. "What's wrong Jessie?" She lifted her head up, and looked at her little brother. He was so lucky, he was fine. She couldn't help herself from being jealous, he was going to have a normal life and she wasn't.
"Nothing." She wiped her eyes, willing herself to be strong.
"You're crying. Something must be wrong." She smiled at him weakly. How stupid of her to think he wouldn't notice. "Jessie, are you." he stopped, scared of what his sister might say to him. "Are you bipolar?" The tears started again, and she nodded.
"The letter just came." Harry walked into the room, and climbed onto the bed next to her, putting his arms around his sister. For a moment she was shocked, unsure what to do. This wasn't like Harry. She started to pull away, but then realised something important. Harry didn't have to be in here, giving her a hug. He could quite legitimately have stayed in his bedroom playing, but he didn't. Her Mum and Dad, who should have been up their hugging her, and comforting her, and telling her it didn't matter and they still loved her, were sat downstairs doing goodness knows what. Her family was screwed up in so many ways, but at that moment she realised how much her baby brother actually meant to her.
*** "What do we do, John?" Abby asked, after a long silence between the pair.
"We book an appointment with the psychiatrist, and get Jess on a medication. And then we carry on with our lives normally," he explained firmly.
"How do you think we're possibly going to carry on normally? We're not a normal family anymore," she exclaimed, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes once again.
"There are medications, Jess can be a perfectly normal child. And she will be, Abby."
"You're making it seem like this is nothing! Do you not care at all?" She couldn't believe he was being like this, shrugging off the consequences of what they'd just discovered.
"Abby, this is turning into an argument." Stay calm John, he thought. Getting annoyed with your wife isn't going to help anyone.
"It's not an argument! I just want to know how you can be so unconcerned about our daughter being ill," she yelled.
"Abby." He kept his voice at a normal level, hoping to reassure her. "I am very concerned. I wish she wasn't bipolar. But she is, and we have to deal with that. And there are ways of dealing with it. She can be treated, she'll be absolutely fine."
"And if she doesn't want to take the meds?" her voice was barely audible now.
"We'll get by." He reached out and took her hand. They sat together in silence for a few moments, until Abby suddenly pushed his hand away.
"How can you say we'll get by? You've met my mother, you've seen what she's like." She was fuming now.
"Jess isn't your mother."
"Yeah, I know. So you're always telling me. But you have to recognise the risk that she won't take them." He sat in silence, not willing to answer her. "Dammit Carter, can't you just admit that you're scared?" He was taken aback by her referring to him as Carter. She never called him Carter, and although years ago that had been normal, now it hurt. Your own wife didn't call you by your surname.
"Excuse me," he whispered. "I'm going to go and talk to Jess."
*** Carter knocked lightly on the door to his daughter's bedroom, not entirely sure what he actually wanted to say top her. When she responded that he could come in, he pushed open the door to see Jess and Harry sitting in the middle of the floor playing Monopoly. He smiled at them, feeling a sudden relief that Jess had seen the necessity to just carry on with life. Sitting down on the floor next to them, he pointed out a good property to Harry.
"That's cheating Dad!" Jess cried, laughing.
"He's littler that you are," he returned.
"I'm not that little!"
"No, but you're littler that Jessie. And anyway, she always wins Monopoly. I'm just evening the odds!"
"Probably won't win now," she laughed, mock sulking. They all laughed, as Jess rolled the dice for her turn.
"Hey, you two got room for another player?"
"Only if he promises not to cheat."
"When do I ever cheat?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at his daughter.
"You say we shouldn't lie, Dad," Jess laughed, smiling at Harry.
"I was twisting the truth."
*** Abby watched her husband leave the kitchen and sighed sadly. What had she done? She hadn't meant to argue, but it had just happen. She and John never argued, and now she felt awful. She just couldn't stop thinking about Jess, and how they'd cope. They wouldn't cope. She knew from experience that it was impossible, and John would try to hard to cope, and ruin everything.
As soon as Jess got on the meds, she'd want to be off them. That wasn't something Abby was willing to contend with. She could push her mother onto her brother, keep her responsibilities to a minimum now that she wasn't living at with them. But Jess was her daughter, they lived together, and she had a responsibility. She didn't see how she could ever do what was needed for Jess. How she could be there, to keep her out of trouble. And how she could explain to people why her daughter wasn't like other peoples'. It was too much for her to cope with, and she wished this could all be a big nightmare. Perhaps it was, things didn't get much worse than this.
She got up from her chair, and filled the kettle. She needed a cup of coffee: that would sort her mind out. As she was waiting for the kettle to boil, she heard the sound of laughter coming from upstairs. How could they be laughing at a time like this? She felt like she'd never be capable of laughing again. John managed things in a different way to her, she knew that. But this was so different to how she felt. Perhaps they'd be better off if she wasn't around to depress them all. It would certainly be easier on her, and she was beginning to see now that it would be easier on John and the kids too.
It was her only option. Leaving the kettle boiling, she hurried up the stairs and into the bedroom which she shared with John. Grabbing a bag from the top of the wardrobe, she stuffed some random clothes into, grabbed a book, and then went into their en-suite bathroom for toiletries. When she was satisfied that she had enough to manage, she zipped the bag up, and went back down the stairs. John was still in Jess' room, doing something with her and Harry. He wasn't missing her right now. Back in the kitchen, she grabbed some money that had been left on the side, took her cell phone, and stuffed them into her back pocket. This was it.
Walking along the hallway she grabbed her house keys off the hook, and then opened the door. As she was about to shut the door behind her she looked at the keys, and turned back into the house and replaced them on the hook. She wouldn't be needing them. Closing the door, she walked out onto the street, and made her way to the El station.
*** "What did I say, Jess always wins monopoly!" John laughed.
"It's just my amazing talent," she grinned.
"You always nick Mayfair and Regent Street, and then put hotels," Harry complained. "The rest of us go bankrupt, it's not fair!"
"That's part of the game!" Jess laughed.
"Still not fair."
"Aww, don't be a sore loser," John said. "Or I'll have to tickle you." Harry didn't move. "Fine, have it your way." He reached out, and grabbed onto his son, tickling him exactly where he knew would be most effective.
"No, Dad!" Harry cried, laughing and screaming at the same time. Jess sat watching, giggling.
"Jess, get his feet."
"No, not the feet.ah!" he laughed loudly, wriggling to get free of his father's grip. When he was eventually free, he quickly moved away to avoid any further torture.
"Right." John got up from the floor and walked towards the door. "Do you two think you can manage to not fight over the monopoly scores while I go talk to Mum?" They both nodded, smiling, and he walked out of the room.
He walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen, expecting to find Abby there. He stuck his head round the door, and when he found she wasn't there, made his way to the living room. "Abby, you there?" he called. No response. He wandered around downstairs, and then went back upstairs. She wasn't in their bedroom, or the bathroom. Looking out the bedroom window to see if she was hanging washing out or something, he saw she wasn't in the garden.
"Abby?" he called again, wondering where she was.
"What is it Dad?" Jess asked, looking round the door into the room. As she was speaking to him he noticed a draw slightly open, nearly emptied. No, it couldn't be.
"Err, nothing," he bluffed. Now he was worried. Why would she do that? Hurrying Jess out of the room, he rushed downstairs and picked up the phone. Susan, she'd go to Susan. He dialled the number, but all he got was the answer phone. "No," he whispered. "No Abby, don't do this to me." But what could he do?
"She's gone, hasn't she?" a voice said from behind him. "Because of me."
***
PART NINE-
Abby stared at the envelope she held in her hands. It was just a plain brown envelope, with the hospital stamp on the back. Just like the letter they'd had two years ago about Harry. But she couldn't open this one. There was something about it that made her feel insecure. She couldn't explain why, but the envelope just looked like it didn't contain happy news. She turned the envelope over in her hands for the umpteenth time. She was going to open it. She slid her thumb underneath the flap, and.No, she couldn't. She put the envelope back down on the table, and just stared at it.
A firm hand rested on her arm, and she looked up into the eyes of her husband. He was scared too, she could tell. But his look also said 'be strong.' "Abby, we have to open it," he said, sitting down next to her. She nodded: she knew that.
"You open it then," she whispered, pushing the envelope across to him. He shook his head. "John, I'm not doing it." She continued to stare at the envelope, unable to do anything else with it.
"I'm not sure if I can." He, too, started to stare at the envelope. For a few minutes that one brown envelope, addressed to Dr. and Mrs. Carter was the centre of their universes, and nothing else existed.
"Mum? Dad? What are you doing?" a voice asked, coming from the doorway of the kitchen. John was the first to be brought back to the normal world, and looked up at his daughter.
"We just, umm." he paused. "We got a letter Jess."
"Oh, that's nice," she shrugged, walking over to the fruit bowl and picking up an apple. "Is it from anyone nice?" John stared at her, unsure what to say. She looked back at him, puzzled. "What.Oh, that letter." She sighed, and walked over to the table, sitting down opposite her mother. She looked between her parents, seeing their unease. "Have you opened it?" she asked.
"No," Abby managed to answer. "We.we can't."
"What do you mean you can't?" Jess laughed. Sometimes she felt like the only adult in the family. "Mum, look at me. Do I look like I'm having a manic episode?" Abby shook her head. "Dad, do I look like I'm depressed?" John shook his head. "Then what's the problem?"
"Jess, you know those things don't happen all the time."
"Yeah, and I also know I don't feel sick." She reached across the table and picked up the envelope.
"What are you doing Jessie?" John exclaimed, reaching out for the envelope, which she pulled out of his reach.
"I'm reading the letter. If you two won't do it, someone else has to." Abby wanted to tell her not to read other people's mail, but she knew her daughter was right. This was it; they were about to find out.
Jess put her thumb into the hole Abby had made earlier, and slid it along the flap. She pulled a sheet of crisp white paper out of the envelope, and unfolded it slowly. Her eyes skimmed the letter, looking for any indication of the results of the tests. There it was.
Abby twisted a strand of hair around her finger as Jess opened the envelope. She kept hoping that Jess would bottle out, and put the envelope back down. But the piece of paper was removed, and she could see Jess looking through the letter to find the results. There was a reaction, but she couldn't quite tell what it meant. It was a reaction of shock. But was it shock that she was bipolar, or that she wasn't? She couldn't bear not knowing any longer. And yet she didn't want to know. She couldn't ask Jess, so she just looked up and made eye contact with her. Jess' eyes began to fill with tears, and she knew the answer.
"It's positive," Jess choked out. "It's positive." She slowly got up out of the chair, and walked away from the table. "Excuse me, I'm going to my room."
*** As soon as she was in the hallway and out of her parents' sight, Jess started to run. Up the stairs, across the landing, into her bedroom, tears pouring down her cheeks. This wasn't right, it couldn't be happening to her. She felt fine, there was nothing wrong. She threw herself down on the bed, and buried her face in the pillow.
"Jessie?" Harry's voice called her from the doorway. "What's wrong Jessie?" She lifted her head up, and looked at her little brother. He was so lucky, he was fine. She couldn't help herself from being jealous, he was going to have a normal life and she wasn't.
"Nothing." She wiped her eyes, willing herself to be strong.
"You're crying. Something must be wrong." She smiled at him weakly. How stupid of her to think he wouldn't notice. "Jessie, are you." he stopped, scared of what his sister might say to him. "Are you bipolar?" The tears started again, and she nodded.
"The letter just came." Harry walked into the room, and climbed onto the bed next to her, putting his arms around his sister. For a moment she was shocked, unsure what to do. This wasn't like Harry. She started to pull away, but then realised something important. Harry didn't have to be in here, giving her a hug. He could quite legitimately have stayed in his bedroom playing, but he didn't. Her Mum and Dad, who should have been up their hugging her, and comforting her, and telling her it didn't matter and they still loved her, were sat downstairs doing goodness knows what. Her family was screwed up in so many ways, but at that moment she realised how much her baby brother actually meant to her.
*** "What do we do, John?" Abby asked, after a long silence between the pair.
"We book an appointment with the psychiatrist, and get Jess on a medication. And then we carry on with our lives normally," he explained firmly.
"How do you think we're possibly going to carry on normally? We're not a normal family anymore," she exclaimed, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes once again.
"There are medications, Jess can be a perfectly normal child. And she will be, Abby."
"You're making it seem like this is nothing! Do you not care at all?" She couldn't believe he was being like this, shrugging off the consequences of what they'd just discovered.
"Abby, this is turning into an argument." Stay calm John, he thought. Getting annoyed with your wife isn't going to help anyone.
"It's not an argument! I just want to know how you can be so unconcerned about our daughter being ill," she yelled.
"Abby." He kept his voice at a normal level, hoping to reassure her. "I am very concerned. I wish she wasn't bipolar. But she is, and we have to deal with that. And there are ways of dealing with it. She can be treated, she'll be absolutely fine."
"And if she doesn't want to take the meds?" her voice was barely audible now.
"We'll get by." He reached out and took her hand. They sat together in silence for a few moments, until Abby suddenly pushed his hand away.
"How can you say we'll get by? You've met my mother, you've seen what she's like." She was fuming now.
"Jess isn't your mother."
"Yeah, I know. So you're always telling me. But you have to recognise the risk that she won't take them." He sat in silence, not willing to answer her. "Dammit Carter, can't you just admit that you're scared?" He was taken aback by her referring to him as Carter. She never called him Carter, and although years ago that had been normal, now it hurt. Your own wife didn't call you by your surname.
"Excuse me," he whispered. "I'm going to go and talk to Jess."
*** Carter knocked lightly on the door to his daughter's bedroom, not entirely sure what he actually wanted to say top her. When she responded that he could come in, he pushed open the door to see Jess and Harry sitting in the middle of the floor playing Monopoly. He smiled at them, feeling a sudden relief that Jess had seen the necessity to just carry on with life. Sitting down on the floor next to them, he pointed out a good property to Harry.
"That's cheating Dad!" Jess cried, laughing.
"He's littler that you are," he returned.
"I'm not that little!"
"No, but you're littler that Jessie. And anyway, she always wins Monopoly. I'm just evening the odds!"
"Probably won't win now," she laughed, mock sulking. They all laughed, as Jess rolled the dice for her turn.
"Hey, you two got room for another player?"
"Only if he promises not to cheat."
"When do I ever cheat?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at his daughter.
"You say we shouldn't lie, Dad," Jess laughed, smiling at Harry.
"I was twisting the truth."
*** Abby watched her husband leave the kitchen and sighed sadly. What had she done? She hadn't meant to argue, but it had just happen. She and John never argued, and now she felt awful. She just couldn't stop thinking about Jess, and how they'd cope. They wouldn't cope. She knew from experience that it was impossible, and John would try to hard to cope, and ruin everything.
As soon as Jess got on the meds, she'd want to be off them. That wasn't something Abby was willing to contend with. She could push her mother onto her brother, keep her responsibilities to a minimum now that she wasn't living at with them. But Jess was her daughter, they lived together, and she had a responsibility. She didn't see how she could ever do what was needed for Jess. How she could be there, to keep her out of trouble. And how she could explain to people why her daughter wasn't like other peoples'. It was too much for her to cope with, and she wished this could all be a big nightmare. Perhaps it was, things didn't get much worse than this.
She got up from her chair, and filled the kettle. She needed a cup of coffee: that would sort her mind out. As she was waiting for the kettle to boil, she heard the sound of laughter coming from upstairs. How could they be laughing at a time like this? She felt like she'd never be capable of laughing again. John managed things in a different way to her, she knew that. But this was so different to how she felt. Perhaps they'd be better off if she wasn't around to depress them all. It would certainly be easier on her, and she was beginning to see now that it would be easier on John and the kids too.
It was her only option. Leaving the kettle boiling, she hurried up the stairs and into the bedroom which she shared with John. Grabbing a bag from the top of the wardrobe, she stuffed some random clothes into, grabbed a book, and then went into their en-suite bathroom for toiletries. When she was satisfied that she had enough to manage, she zipped the bag up, and went back down the stairs. John was still in Jess' room, doing something with her and Harry. He wasn't missing her right now. Back in the kitchen, she grabbed some money that had been left on the side, took her cell phone, and stuffed them into her back pocket. This was it.
Walking along the hallway she grabbed her house keys off the hook, and then opened the door. As she was about to shut the door behind her she looked at the keys, and turned back into the house and replaced them on the hook. She wouldn't be needing them. Closing the door, she walked out onto the street, and made her way to the El station.
*** "What did I say, Jess always wins monopoly!" John laughed.
"It's just my amazing talent," she grinned.
"You always nick Mayfair and Regent Street, and then put hotels," Harry complained. "The rest of us go bankrupt, it's not fair!"
"That's part of the game!" Jess laughed.
"Still not fair."
"Aww, don't be a sore loser," John said. "Or I'll have to tickle you." Harry didn't move. "Fine, have it your way." He reached out, and grabbed onto his son, tickling him exactly where he knew would be most effective.
"No, Dad!" Harry cried, laughing and screaming at the same time. Jess sat watching, giggling.
"Jess, get his feet."
"No, not the feet.ah!" he laughed loudly, wriggling to get free of his father's grip. When he was eventually free, he quickly moved away to avoid any further torture.
"Right." John got up from the floor and walked towards the door. "Do you two think you can manage to not fight over the monopoly scores while I go talk to Mum?" They both nodded, smiling, and he walked out of the room.
He walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen, expecting to find Abby there. He stuck his head round the door, and when he found she wasn't there, made his way to the living room. "Abby, you there?" he called. No response. He wandered around downstairs, and then went back upstairs. She wasn't in their bedroom, or the bathroom. Looking out the bedroom window to see if she was hanging washing out or something, he saw she wasn't in the garden.
"Abby?" he called again, wondering where she was.
"What is it Dad?" Jess asked, looking round the door into the room. As she was speaking to him he noticed a draw slightly open, nearly emptied. No, it couldn't be.
"Err, nothing," he bluffed. Now he was worried. Why would she do that? Hurrying Jess out of the room, he rushed downstairs and picked up the phone. Susan, she'd go to Susan. He dialled the number, but all he got was the answer phone. "No," he whispered. "No Abby, don't do this to me." But what could he do?
"She's gone, hasn't she?" a voice said from behind him. "Because of me."
***