Part V

***


They're pointing at me. They are all laughing. Because I'm the failure.

The sinner.

Long, skinny fingers stretching out in the darkness, shining white skin, pointing at me - the madman in the corner.

Am I dreaming? I can not tell anymore. My reality is no different from my dreams. My bitter reality. The painful truth.

-Do I care?-

I don't think I do. No. Because they are stupid.

Stupid, stuffed dolls of god, who doesn't understand. God is no martyr. All this nagging about the miracles and suffering, do you really belive in that trash?!
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid humans!

Do you trust the bible more than yourself, your own mind?

The bible is not logic, it makes no sense at all. It could be the fucking same just reading some science fiction literature. It would be of the very same kind.

It's been ticking for a while now. I think someone turned of the time so that I wouldn't get mad. But they are yet so wrong. Everyone, they are stupid.
I'm not insane, I am fully capamble of taking care of myself. I am as sane as everyone else at this place, not to mention that telepath.

Speak of the devil. Well, he's here, as always. He likes to read my mind, and therefor he does it often.

It affects me in a very strange yet pleasant way.

You see, when someone else takes over your mind, you're not free to think or in any way capable of doing anything at your own will. He's your reaper, and he is the one to choose what to think or not, rather you'll move, listen, or speak etc etc.

I'm his puppet, I know that, and he's my puppetmaster. He pulls my strings however he want to and there is not one little thing I can do about it.

Isn't it ironic?

Fucking ironic to me. But what do I care. I don't give a damn about what sick lies and truths he finds up there in my head. I don't care however deep he's digging, and he knows that too. That's what he finds so amusing. He keep on searching for my sore spot.

But let me tell you this Schuldig. You can't fool me darling. Because a madman's mind is not supposed to make any sense. And however well done your homework is, my mind is different from all the others. I promise you.

Do you know why?

As the fucked up shit I am, I don't care. I don't give a damn about your mind games or brainstorms. I don't care if you use me as a puppet.
I suppose I should, but who said I'm a regular human. I don't do 'the usual' trash like sleep in a bed, eat breakfast with my friends and family, go to work, whatever.

-Because I don't care?-

Even so, he's the only one that I've uttered a word to. Because he simply made me do it. I don't say I like it, but let me tell you this.

Except the dizzyness, the sudden tiredness that hits you, the stinging in your eye and the pulsating pounders in your limbs, I enjoy it, because it gives me something else to focus on.

As I told you before. When you've been alone for an eternity, in the darkness, and you know nothing else, you need something else to focus on, something better than the bitter reality. You need to flee to your own little imaginary world.

Schuldig's 'small' mind games brings me there. Because when he enters my mind, and take over it, I do no longer have the responsibility for myself, I can just breath out deeply and lean back. I don't have to think about anything.

I don't have to face the tragic truth.

The darkness. I don't have to count the secounds of the ticking time. I don't have to listen. Just keep shut.

But tonight, I am totaly alone. I have to keep my twisted mind for myself tonight.
But they're here.

Trust them to always be here when I need them the least. Scolding me, pointing at me and spitting me in the face.

Mother.

Or should I even call you mother? You can't possibly be counted as one after what you've done to your dear son, can you?

You betrayed me! What did I ever do to you! I was so loyal to you, I was your puppet all along, wasn't I? I wanted to learn eveything from you. I just wanted you to love me, take care of me. But you didn't give a fuck from the very start, did you?
You fucked up bitch!

I'll never ever feel regret for what I did. Never! I don't feel any sorrow for the loss of you and your meaningless preachers.
Don't you see what you turned me into? Your pathetic preachers about god was all a tragic waste of time you see, because you if anyone, made me realise that there is no fucking god!

There is no shepherd to forgive us our trespasses.

It was all just lies.

Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.....

Always! You were always lying to me and everyone. But I believed in you. I knew nothing else. And you betrayed me. You gave me nothing to believe in.
The lies, the words you said, I'll never be able to forget it.

As long as I live.

I have nothing to thank you for anymore. You gave me nothing. And you gave me everything. And for that, I hate you to death and you deserve it. You deserved my revenge.

I killed my family. No no, wait. I didn't kill my family. Jei did.

So what. What were they to me, a cheap trick. A bunch of dolls in the perfect front of the happy family.

Fucking sick game of god. As always, the one to blame. Call me unfair and cruel, but what do I mind. Like I've ever cared what anyone ever called me.

Jei did. But Jei is dead. Too bad.

He can never utter his wordless oppinions ever again. Because I ran my blade over his body and poked out his eye.
Jei is dead, and I, Farfarello, his murdered and reaper, am mute and deaf and I will never ever speak ever again.

He couldn't escape me. Because I've already disclosed your lies, and your false words. There is no freedom, there is no justice or any fucking glory.

There is no fucking god!! And when you die you will understand that you will never be saved! You will understand that there is no heaven, and that you will all die alone.

Totaly, fucking alone. And you're not going to paradies, you fuckers. You'll spend your awaiting eternity in a deep hole in the ground, dirty, dirty, dirty. And so deep and dark that you'll never be able to rise again.

It's time to face reality sweeties, you can't live in the illusion forever.

I'll give it to you mother, I will have my revenge on god. And you'll pay the price as the cheap whore who played the perfect role as the innocent one.

You disgust me.

You just wait and I'll come for you one of these days. I'm not finished with you yet. You can just watch me come around and I'll be waiting for the right moment, when you least expect it. I promise you, one of the very few promises that I have ever known.

You will have the truth. You will have all the dirty lies spit back in your ugly face.
I promise you, I'll give it to you.

I hear his nasal laughter ring in my head as I slowly fade into darkness. He's leaving my mind to rest, finally. I pass out on the cold floor.
The darkness surround me. The lies, the eternal coat of lies is laying over me.

Sweapt around me like a quilt, keeping me warm in the freezing cold. I hear the secounds starting to tick again. The pale fingers still pointing at me, the big holes in their heads, without eyes are staring at me blankly.

Fucking Schuldig. Playing with me and mess with my mind so I can no longer discern reality. I can't tell lies from truth anymore. But it's not only because of him.

I wish the nightmares would go away.