Sorry about the delay between chapters. Once again please read and review,
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Disclaimer: I own nothing of this. You think I'd be writing it if I did?
----
Saruman did not make quick progress. He was, as Sauron told him angrily at least six times a day, simply far too nice. Saruman had great difficulty in grasping the concept that being evil actually meant being unkind to people. He could not understand that it wasn't enough to say that you were evil and then not do anything about it: you had to go around terrorising, monopolising, and generally being unpleasant.
Sauron did not like Saruman. It was not that he was a dislikeable person; in fact, it was because he was a fundamentally likeable person that Sauron disliked him. Nice, honest people who had no ability to do wrong had been Sauron's downfall time and time again, and he was rather bitter about this, to put it mildly. Also, in his youth, Sauron had wanted desperately to be good. He had tried very hard, even gone to classes with the most highly reputed of the Valar, but he had developed much the same block about being good as Saruman now had about being evil.
On Saruman's third day, Sauron was reasoning with Saruman:
"Saruman," he pleaded, "You cannot possibly go around saying you're evil if you then help old ladies across the road, work for "Save the Elves" and stubbornly refuse to attack, kill or even threaten anyone..."
"I'm a pacifist."
"..and you can't even do the evil laugh properly - go on, do it now!"
Saruman looked unsure. He cleared his throat.
"Mwah-ha-ha-ha-hee?" he said hopefully. Sauron rolled his eyes, or would have done had he had any.
"No, no, like this: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Saruman jumped backwards, terrified.
"Please don't do that. My nerves really can't take it." he whimpered.
"Oh, for Morgoth's sake...look, we'll move onto something else. Go away for the night, and come back tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep, you may need it."
Saruman had been going to explain that this was difficult if one did not have a bed, but something in the Dark Lord's voice prevented him.
The following day, Saruman was led by Sauron out of the tower, and round a corner to a small paddock, in the corner of which were standing...
"Horses..." said Saruman, going pale.
"Yes, horses. All evil people ride horses, black ones, generally. It inspires terror and awe. Now, go and stand by that one over there."
Saruman swallowed. "I don't...like...horses," he said, resisting the urge to run away screaming his head off. Sauron sighed.
"Don't be ridiculous," he said, "It's stupid to be afraid of horses. They're quite safe."
"What about those that the Nazgul rode?"
"They were an exception. Now go over there and pat that grey one's nose."
"Does it bite."
"No, of course not."
Saruman, summoning all his courage (which would barely have filled a teacup), walked over to the horses. Closing his eyes, he held out a hand to the horse. The horse eyed the hand suspiciously for a minute. Going by the principle of "Fear the unknown," the it closed its teeth round Saruman's hand. Saruman screamed, breaking several nearby windows. He then ran around in circles, yelling all the while. Sauron stood back patiently, waiting for Saruman to get a grip.
Twenty minutes later, he was still waiting. At last, he got fed up.
"Saruman!" he yelled, "Pull yourself together! You're a wizard, not a child."
"I thought you said it didn't bite!" said Saruman miserably.
"I lied. Now go and try again."
Saruman, however, had had enough and fled back to his hotel.
The next day, Saruman was presented with a large, deadly-looking sword by Sauron. However, he refused to kill anything at all with it, saying that it went against his principles. Sauron told Saruman that he was a hopeless case, and that he might as well go home because he was no more evil than he had been when he had first arrived. Saruman then started crying, and Sauron repented a bit, but only because he wanted the half of Saruman's kingdom which he was owed. He knew that Saruman's obtaining of that kingdom was looking increasingly unlikely. He therefore said,
"Look, Saruman, stop that noise. What I'm going to do is this: Tomorrow I will set you a written exam paper. When you've passed that, I'll give you some instructions and you can go away and start creating a kingdom for yourself (bearing in mind that half of that kingdom will rightfully be mine)."
"What will be on the exam?" asked Saruman, sniffing.
"Everything we've done so far."
"Even horses?"
"Yes, even horses. It will be a multiple choice paper. Starting at eight tomorrow morning."
The next morning Saruman sat the exam. He did abysmally. Below is his exam paper.
SAURON'S EVILNESS COURSES: FOUNDATION END OF COURSE EXAM
NAME: Saruman the White (crossed out). Saruman the Orange and Lilac (crossed out). Saruman the Evil.
RACE: Istari
AGE: Lost count many centuries ago.
EXAM RULES: Candidates should answer all questions. Candidates should chose one answer only for each question. Candidates who cheat will receive extra marks, as will candidates who bring mobile phones into the exam, since these actions are sure signs of an evil mind. Candidates should not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
1) Are you evil or not?
A. Yes
B. No
ANSWER. A.
2) Which two of the following would be done by an evil being?
A. Flower arranging.
B. Killing people.
C. Forging the One Ring.
D. Baking cakes.
E. Donating money to "The National Elf Service".
ANSWER. A & E.
3) What is an evil being expected to wear?
A. Nothing.
B. Anything at all as long as it's pink.
C. A kilt.
D. Black robes or armour, and a spiky helmet.
ANSWER. B
4) What would you do if you owned the One Ring?
A. Throw it into Orodruin.
B. Use it to take over Middle-Earth.
ANSWER. A (here Saruman had written "Those rings cause nothing but trouble."
5) What is your preferred method of transport?
A. Horse.
B. Feet.
C. Eagle.
D. Moped.
E. London buses.
ANSWER. D
6) Which catch phrase is most befitting of an evil being?
A. D'oh!
B. Surrender or Die!
C. I didn't do it!
D. You are the weakest link...goodbye.
ANSWER. C
7) Complete the maniacal laughter: MWAHAHAHAHA--
A. HA!
B. HO?
C. (HEE)
ANSWER. B
---END---
MARK=12.5%
EXAMINERS COMMENT: You did terribly, but I'm going to send you out to form your own kingdom in the (probably futile) hope that you'll be better at the practical than you were at the theory. You can go to the Shire. It's full of creatures that are only three foot six. Should be a pushover. Come back to me when you've conquered it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of this. You think I'd be writing it if I did?
----
Saruman did not make quick progress. He was, as Sauron told him angrily at least six times a day, simply far too nice. Saruman had great difficulty in grasping the concept that being evil actually meant being unkind to people. He could not understand that it wasn't enough to say that you were evil and then not do anything about it: you had to go around terrorising, monopolising, and generally being unpleasant.
Sauron did not like Saruman. It was not that he was a dislikeable person; in fact, it was because he was a fundamentally likeable person that Sauron disliked him. Nice, honest people who had no ability to do wrong had been Sauron's downfall time and time again, and he was rather bitter about this, to put it mildly. Also, in his youth, Sauron had wanted desperately to be good. He had tried very hard, even gone to classes with the most highly reputed of the Valar, but he had developed much the same block about being good as Saruman now had about being evil.
On Saruman's third day, Sauron was reasoning with Saruman:
"Saruman," he pleaded, "You cannot possibly go around saying you're evil if you then help old ladies across the road, work for "Save the Elves" and stubbornly refuse to attack, kill or even threaten anyone..."
"I'm a pacifist."
"..and you can't even do the evil laugh properly - go on, do it now!"
Saruman looked unsure. He cleared his throat.
"Mwah-ha-ha-ha-hee?" he said hopefully. Sauron rolled his eyes, or would have done had he had any.
"No, no, like this: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Saruman jumped backwards, terrified.
"Please don't do that. My nerves really can't take it." he whimpered.
"Oh, for Morgoth's sake...look, we'll move onto something else. Go away for the night, and come back tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep, you may need it."
Saruman had been going to explain that this was difficult if one did not have a bed, but something in the Dark Lord's voice prevented him.
The following day, Saruman was led by Sauron out of the tower, and round a corner to a small paddock, in the corner of which were standing...
"Horses..." said Saruman, going pale.
"Yes, horses. All evil people ride horses, black ones, generally. It inspires terror and awe. Now, go and stand by that one over there."
Saruman swallowed. "I don't...like...horses," he said, resisting the urge to run away screaming his head off. Sauron sighed.
"Don't be ridiculous," he said, "It's stupid to be afraid of horses. They're quite safe."
"What about those that the Nazgul rode?"
"They were an exception. Now go over there and pat that grey one's nose."
"Does it bite."
"No, of course not."
Saruman, summoning all his courage (which would barely have filled a teacup), walked over to the horses. Closing his eyes, he held out a hand to the horse. The horse eyed the hand suspiciously for a minute. Going by the principle of "Fear the unknown," the it closed its teeth round Saruman's hand. Saruman screamed, breaking several nearby windows. He then ran around in circles, yelling all the while. Sauron stood back patiently, waiting for Saruman to get a grip.
Twenty minutes later, he was still waiting. At last, he got fed up.
"Saruman!" he yelled, "Pull yourself together! You're a wizard, not a child."
"I thought you said it didn't bite!" said Saruman miserably.
"I lied. Now go and try again."
Saruman, however, had had enough and fled back to his hotel.
The next day, Saruman was presented with a large, deadly-looking sword by Sauron. However, he refused to kill anything at all with it, saying that it went against his principles. Sauron told Saruman that he was a hopeless case, and that he might as well go home because he was no more evil than he had been when he had first arrived. Saruman then started crying, and Sauron repented a bit, but only because he wanted the half of Saruman's kingdom which he was owed. He knew that Saruman's obtaining of that kingdom was looking increasingly unlikely. He therefore said,
"Look, Saruman, stop that noise. What I'm going to do is this: Tomorrow I will set you a written exam paper. When you've passed that, I'll give you some instructions and you can go away and start creating a kingdom for yourself (bearing in mind that half of that kingdom will rightfully be mine)."
"What will be on the exam?" asked Saruman, sniffing.
"Everything we've done so far."
"Even horses?"
"Yes, even horses. It will be a multiple choice paper. Starting at eight tomorrow morning."
The next morning Saruman sat the exam. He did abysmally. Below is his exam paper.
SAURON'S EVILNESS COURSES: FOUNDATION END OF COURSE EXAM
NAME: Saruman the White (crossed out). Saruman the Orange and Lilac (crossed out). Saruman the Evil.
RACE: Istari
AGE: Lost count many centuries ago.
EXAM RULES: Candidates should answer all questions. Candidates should chose one answer only for each question. Candidates who cheat will receive extra marks, as will candidates who bring mobile phones into the exam, since these actions are sure signs of an evil mind. Candidates should not attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once.
1) Are you evil or not?
A. Yes
B. No
ANSWER. A.
2) Which two of the following would be done by an evil being?
A. Flower arranging.
B. Killing people.
C. Forging the One Ring.
D. Baking cakes.
E. Donating money to "The National Elf Service".
ANSWER. A & E.
3) What is an evil being expected to wear?
A. Nothing.
B. Anything at all as long as it's pink.
C. A kilt.
D. Black robes or armour, and a spiky helmet.
ANSWER. B
4) What would you do if you owned the One Ring?
A. Throw it into Orodruin.
B. Use it to take over Middle-Earth.
ANSWER. A (here Saruman had written "Those rings cause nothing but trouble."
5) What is your preferred method of transport?
A. Horse.
B. Feet.
C. Eagle.
D. Moped.
E. London buses.
ANSWER. D
6) Which catch phrase is most befitting of an evil being?
A. D'oh!
B. Surrender or Die!
C. I didn't do it!
D. You are the weakest link...goodbye.
ANSWER. C
7) Complete the maniacal laughter: MWAHAHAHAHA--
A. HA!
B. HO?
C. (HEE)
ANSWER. B
---END---
MARK=12.5%
EXAMINERS COMMENT: You did terribly, but I'm going to send you out to form your own kingdom in the (probably futile) hope that you'll be better at the practical than you were at the theory. You can go to the Shire. It's full of creatures that are only three foot six. Should be a pushover. Come back to me when you've conquered it.