Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they are owned by the Great Goddess of Fantasy, J.K. Rowling. Joining the other gods and goddesses of entertainment in my mind.......
Notes: This is my opinion of what Sirius and Remus' life together must be like. Am I the only one who's pictured them as a potential Odd Couple?
WARNING: Thar be slash here! If you don't like it, flee!
~*~*~*~*~*~
The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Sirius Black
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, living with Sirius Black was a series of trials and tribulations.
Remus Lupin got out of bed one morning, shivering. He cast an angry glare at his sleeping lover's back, cursing him mentally. Leave it to Sirius to steal the blankets *every night*. Remus put on his bathrobe and slippers and shuffled down the hall towards the bathroom.
*Squish*.
Remus was jerked from his half-conscious state when he stepped on something rather slippery and unpleasant. He looked down at his foot. Ick. What *was* that? Gingerly, Remus peeled his foot off the floor and stared in disbelief at what he had stepped in. The mystery of where his leftover egg salad sandwich had gone was now solved. "Sirius...." he grumbled, cleaning up the mess with a flick of his wand. "I wish that git would try *cleaning* the house while I was gone... instead of watching TV and thinking of ways to get Snape in trouble..... about *TWENTY BLOODY YEARS* after we were at school with him..."
With a sigh, Remus shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. He undressed and got in. The hot water calmed him a bit, and he was feeling slightly happier as he reached for the shampoo. But happiness was not to be had! He squeezed the bottle, but nothing came out. He turned it upside-down and smacked it a few times, with no results. "SIRIUS!" he bellowed in aggravation. Leave it to him - Sirius was proud of his waist-length black hair, and used more shampoo than was necessary to keep it nice.
Sirius opened the bathroom door. "Yes, love?" he inquired.
"Hand me a new bottle of shampoo," Remus grumbled.
The shower curtain was raked aside and Sirius stood there with a new bottle in his hand. His eyes ran greedily over Remus' wet body. "Mind if I join you, love?"
Remus sighed and grabbed the shampoo. "Not now," he answered, sliding the curtain closed. Truth was, he was still exhausted from last night - sometimes Sirius had *too* much energy.
Sirius' face fell. "Why not?" he asked Remus.
"I'm not in the mood," Remus said. "Too tired."
Sirius grinned wickedly. "I suppose I had a hand in making you so?"
Remus growled. Thinking it was safer to retreat, Sirius left the bathroom and went to start breakfast.
After getting out of the shower, Remus wrapped a towel around his waist and leaned over the sink to shave. In annoyance, he noticed the sink wasn't draining. He reached in, pulled something out - and screamed.
It was a disgusting wad of black hair!!! Remus didn't need a brain surgeon to tell him whose it was.
"Acch, this is gross!" he wailed, dropping the hair into the wastebasket, then proceeding to wash his hands twenty times before he finished shaving. Then he reached for his toothbrush... but it was not to be had. "Sirius!" he called, trying his best not to sound pissed off. "Where's my toothbrush?"
Sirius stuck his head back in the bathroom. "Toothbrush?" he asked, grinning sheepishly.
"Yes, toothbrush," Remus said, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Do you know anything about this?"
"Um, well, er - that is to say - uh......... I kinda used it to... scruboutthetoilet," Sirius said in a rush.
Remus' eye began twitching uncontrollably. "You did *WHAT*?!"
"I'm sorry!" Sirius wailed. "You told me to clean the toilet... so I did... but I couldn't find the toilet brush..." He fell to his knees and threw his arms around Remus' waist. "Please forgive me, Remmie-chan...."
Remus pried his lover off himself, and said, "Now I have to -" He cut himself off, sniffing. Something was burning. "Sirius," he asked curiously, "Are you - cooking?"
Sirius jumped up, looking panicked, and ran from the room. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Remus head him yell as he ran into the kitchen. "NOT MY PANCAKES!!!!!!!" Remus groaned, and stopped in the middle of putting on his boxers. "WHAT *NOW*?" he yelled.
"Nothing...." Sirius called back, in a strangely high-pitched voice. "Nothing at all, no need to come in here..."
Well, when Sirius said that, it was usually mayhem. Remus finished dressing and hurried into the kitchen. "Siri, what are - *ack*!"
The kitchen smelled strongly of burned toast, and that was easily explained - the toaster was on fire. Sirius was trying to unplug the toaster and put out the fire at the same time. Pancake batter dripped all over the counter, the floor, and - amazingly enough - the ceiling. As Remus stood there, open-mouthed at the sight of his formerly clean kitchen, Sirius stuck a finger in the air. "I have it!" he announced happily, and pulled out his wand. (There were times Remus wished the Ministry hadn't given it back after Sirius' innocence was proved.) Sirius pointed the wand and yelled, "HELP! FIRE!"
Instantly a pile of sand poured on top of the toaster, extinguishing the flames. Sirius smiled and turned to Remus. "Pancake?" he offered sweetly, holding out a plate of charred pancakes (complete with puddles from melted chocolate chips).
Remus shook his head and instead began pulling on his coat. "I have to go shopping today," he said, "for groceries.... and a TOOTHBRUSH...... why don't you clean the house while I'm gone?"
Now, Sirius may have been a tad on the oblivious side, but he could tell when Moony was upset, and that time was now. There was nothing to do but go along. "Yes, Remmie-chan." Never mind he was no good at cleaning, magic or Muggle-style.
Remus left, and Sirius eyed the mess as he ate his blackened pancakes. He sighed. "Blimey, this is a mess. And I suppose I'll have to fix the toaster, too," he mumbled, looking at the pile of sand sitting on the counter. He finished the pancakes and went to get dressed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After finally choosing an outfit (a tight black t-shirt and even tighter blue jeans, yummy!), putting it on, and pulling his long mane into a ponytail, Sirius was reading the back of a bottle of Muggle cleaner, labeled "Mr. Clean".
"Mr. Clean?" he asked in bewilderment. "What an awful name. But appropriate enough for Moony - he *is* a Mr. Clean. How do I work this?" he shrugged, and poured half the bottle onto the floor. "Oh well!" He seized the mop and began to scrub.
~*Twenty minutes later*~
Panting, Sirius looked down at the sudsy kitchen floor. It was no good! The more he swiped the mop around, the soapier the floor got! "Remmie is going to *kill* me," he sighed unhappily. He picked up the bottle and read the instructions again - "Oh! I was supposed to use *WATER* with this?!" he yelped. "That explains it!" He looked down at his feet, which were now covered by suds. Even the cuffs of his jeans were soapy. Then he looked up. Pancake batter was still on the ceiling, and by now it had hardened. Sirius wrinkled his nose. Using the Wingardium Leviosa charm on himself, Sirius floated close to the ceiling and tried scrubbing the batter off with a wet paper towel. To his surprise, it came off quite easily. Sirius smiled, but his attention was drawn once more to the floor. He needed a lot of water to rinse all that away....
Well, Sirius Black was not one of Hogwarts' cleverest students for nothing. His brain recalled an odd sort of a show that he and Remus had watched on TV one night.... a Muggle cartoon from Japan, with the rather strange name of Sailor Moon. In it, there had been a girl with teal-colored hair and a short blue-green skirt, and she had had an attack which sent large amounts of water shooting from her hands. Sirius had asked her how to do it, but of course, she hadn't responded ("I'll never get used the these Muggle TeleBision contraptions..." he sighed to himself). But - what if he tried it anyway? With his wand?
He pointed his wand at the floor, and shouted, "DEEP SUBMERGE!"
The result was frightening; a huge jet of water burst from his wand, turning the soapy kitchen into a soapy swimming pool. Sirius yelped and almost lost his levitation powers - he managed to keep from falling in at the last second. Good thing he had closed the kitchen door! He had an idea, and floated over to the door which led from the kitchen into the back garden. He opened it, and all the water rushed out into the back garden. Relieved, Sirius lowered himself back to the floor. It was very wet, and he slipped, grabbing onto the counter just in time to save himself from a fall. Hmm. He decided the best course of action was to let the floor air-dry, so he carefully walked across the floor and back into the living room.
The living room was, indeed, a mess, even more so than the kitchen. Stacks of books, rolls of parchment, and half-empty bottles of ink littered the coffee table and Remus' desk. The couch cushions were askew from last night's - *ahem* - 'festivities', the evidence of said festivities still on them (oh dear....). A banana peel was draped on top of the TV, and Sirius' black cowboy hat hung from the corner of the TV stand. Not to mention the floor was littered with thousands of wrappers from mini-sized chocolate bars; he and Remus had bought plenty of sweets to satisfy both the trick-or-treaters and their own insatiable love of chocolate. Sirius sighed, but before he even started cleaning he made his current favorite CD float over to the CD player and insert itself. Immediately, the small house was filled with the grinding noise of Sirius' favorite American rock band, Metallica.
~*~*~*~*~*~
~*An Hour Later*~
Heading up the path to the house, Remus felt a lot calmer. For some reason, shopping (even at Muggle stores) calmed him quite well. But just then - his sensitive hearing picked up the heavy bass rumble of Sirius' music. Remus stopped in horror, almost dropping the bag with the eggs in it. He just realized he could *hear* his house before he could see it. His lover was at it again.
Remus trudged toward his house. He could swear the music was so loud that it was blowing him away. He forced the door open (he seemed to be pushing against the loudness of the music), and was greeted by a sight he had become well used to.
Sirius was standing on the cushion-less couch, singing along with the song, pretending his wand was a microphone. In his other hand was a king-sized Pixie Stick, and his black cowboy hat was perched on his head. The living room was just as bad as it had been when Remus had left - but the sight of Sirius singing karaoke in such tight clothes was quite cute.
".......Taaaaaaaaaake my haaaand, we're off to Never-Never Land....." Sirius sang, then noticed Remus watching him and blushed. He jumped off the couch and pointed his wand at the CD player, silencing Metallica. "Umm, I *was* cleaning the house..... but then I wanted some music.... soooo...."
Remus put a finger to Sirius' lips and smiled. "It's okay, Siri-love, as long as you cleaned up the kitchen, at least. Sirius brightened and nodded. "Help me put these away, then, and if the kitchen looks good, I'll have a reward for you," Remus smiled.
Thankfully, the kitchen floor was dry by then. The sand and the broken toaster had been removed as well. Remus surveyed this with interest and surprise. "Well, Padfoot, I didn't think you had it in you," he commented as he started putting the groceries away. Thankfully, it was too dark to see how wet the back garden was. Sirius breathed a small sigh of relief, and was even *more* relived when Remus said, "I hear it's going to rain tonight. Good thing - the garden needs it."
Food put away, Remus turned to Sirius and smiled seductively. "Want your reward now?"
Sirius' eyes widened, and he nodded. "Hell, yeah!"
Remus smacked him lightly on the butt. "Get in that bedroom, then."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Okay, there was *one* thing about living with Sirius that wasn't a trial or a tribulation.
The sex was fantastic.
THE END!
Notes: This is my opinion of what Sirius and Remus' life together must be like. Am I the only one who's pictured them as a potential Odd Couple?
WARNING: Thar be slash here! If you don't like it, flee!
~*~*~*~*~*~
The Trials and Tribulations of Living With Sirius Black
~*~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, living with Sirius Black was a series of trials and tribulations.
Remus Lupin got out of bed one morning, shivering. He cast an angry glare at his sleeping lover's back, cursing him mentally. Leave it to Sirius to steal the blankets *every night*. Remus put on his bathrobe and slippers and shuffled down the hall towards the bathroom.
*Squish*.
Remus was jerked from his half-conscious state when he stepped on something rather slippery and unpleasant. He looked down at his foot. Ick. What *was* that? Gingerly, Remus peeled his foot off the floor and stared in disbelief at what he had stepped in. The mystery of where his leftover egg salad sandwich had gone was now solved. "Sirius...." he grumbled, cleaning up the mess with a flick of his wand. "I wish that git would try *cleaning* the house while I was gone... instead of watching TV and thinking of ways to get Snape in trouble..... about *TWENTY BLOODY YEARS* after we were at school with him..."
With a sigh, Remus shut the bathroom door and turned on the shower. He undressed and got in. The hot water calmed him a bit, and he was feeling slightly happier as he reached for the shampoo. But happiness was not to be had! He squeezed the bottle, but nothing came out. He turned it upside-down and smacked it a few times, with no results. "SIRIUS!" he bellowed in aggravation. Leave it to him - Sirius was proud of his waist-length black hair, and used more shampoo than was necessary to keep it nice.
Sirius opened the bathroom door. "Yes, love?" he inquired.
"Hand me a new bottle of shampoo," Remus grumbled.
The shower curtain was raked aside and Sirius stood there with a new bottle in his hand. His eyes ran greedily over Remus' wet body. "Mind if I join you, love?"
Remus sighed and grabbed the shampoo. "Not now," he answered, sliding the curtain closed. Truth was, he was still exhausted from last night - sometimes Sirius had *too* much energy.
Sirius' face fell. "Why not?" he asked Remus.
"I'm not in the mood," Remus said. "Too tired."
Sirius grinned wickedly. "I suppose I had a hand in making you so?"
Remus growled. Thinking it was safer to retreat, Sirius left the bathroom and went to start breakfast.
After getting out of the shower, Remus wrapped a towel around his waist and leaned over the sink to shave. In annoyance, he noticed the sink wasn't draining. He reached in, pulled something out - and screamed.
It was a disgusting wad of black hair!!! Remus didn't need a brain surgeon to tell him whose it was.
"Acch, this is gross!" he wailed, dropping the hair into the wastebasket, then proceeding to wash his hands twenty times before he finished shaving. Then he reached for his toothbrush... but it was not to be had. "Sirius!" he called, trying his best not to sound pissed off. "Where's my toothbrush?"
Sirius stuck his head back in the bathroom. "Toothbrush?" he asked, grinning sheepishly.
"Yes, toothbrush," Remus said, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Do you know anything about this?"
"Um, well, er - that is to say - uh......... I kinda used it to... scruboutthetoilet," Sirius said in a rush.
Remus' eye began twitching uncontrollably. "You did *WHAT*?!"
"I'm sorry!" Sirius wailed. "You told me to clean the toilet... so I did... but I couldn't find the toilet brush..." He fell to his knees and threw his arms around Remus' waist. "Please forgive me, Remmie-chan...."
Remus pried his lover off himself, and said, "Now I have to -" He cut himself off, sniffing. Something was burning. "Sirius," he asked curiously, "Are you - cooking?"
Sirius jumped up, looking panicked, and ran from the room. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Remus head him yell as he ran into the kitchen. "NOT MY PANCAKES!!!!!!!" Remus groaned, and stopped in the middle of putting on his boxers. "WHAT *NOW*?" he yelled.
"Nothing...." Sirius called back, in a strangely high-pitched voice. "Nothing at all, no need to come in here..."
Well, when Sirius said that, it was usually mayhem. Remus finished dressing and hurried into the kitchen. "Siri, what are - *ack*!"
The kitchen smelled strongly of burned toast, and that was easily explained - the toaster was on fire. Sirius was trying to unplug the toaster and put out the fire at the same time. Pancake batter dripped all over the counter, the floor, and - amazingly enough - the ceiling. As Remus stood there, open-mouthed at the sight of his formerly clean kitchen, Sirius stuck a finger in the air. "I have it!" he announced happily, and pulled out his wand. (There were times Remus wished the Ministry hadn't given it back after Sirius' innocence was proved.) Sirius pointed the wand and yelled, "HELP! FIRE!"
Instantly a pile of sand poured on top of the toaster, extinguishing the flames. Sirius smiled and turned to Remus. "Pancake?" he offered sweetly, holding out a plate of charred pancakes (complete with puddles from melted chocolate chips).
Remus shook his head and instead began pulling on his coat. "I have to go shopping today," he said, "for groceries.... and a TOOTHBRUSH...... why don't you clean the house while I'm gone?"
Now, Sirius may have been a tad on the oblivious side, but he could tell when Moony was upset, and that time was now. There was nothing to do but go along. "Yes, Remmie-chan." Never mind he was no good at cleaning, magic or Muggle-style.
Remus left, and Sirius eyed the mess as he ate his blackened pancakes. He sighed. "Blimey, this is a mess. And I suppose I'll have to fix the toaster, too," he mumbled, looking at the pile of sand sitting on the counter. He finished the pancakes and went to get dressed.
~*~*~*~*~*~
After finally choosing an outfit (a tight black t-shirt and even tighter blue jeans, yummy!), putting it on, and pulling his long mane into a ponytail, Sirius was reading the back of a bottle of Muggle cleaner, labeled "Mr. Clean".
"Mr. Clean?" he asked in bewilderment. "What an awful name. But appropriate enough for Moony - he *is* a Mr. Clean. How do I work this?" he shrugged, and poured half the bottle onto the floor. "Oh well!" He seized the mop and began to scrub.
~*Twenty minutes later*~
Panting, Sirius looked down at the sudsy kitchen floor. It was no good! The more he swiped the mop around, the soapier the floor got! "Remmie is going to *kill* me," he sighed unhappily. He picked up the bottle and read the instructions again - "Oh! I was supposed to use *WATER* with this?!" he yelped. "That explains it!" He looked down at his feet, which were now covered by suds. Even the cuffs of his jeans were soapy. Then he looked up. Pancake batter was still on the ceiling, and by now it had hardened. Sirius wrinkled his nose. Using the Wingardium Leviosa charm on himself, Sirius floated close to the ceiling and tried scrubbing the batter off with a wet paper towel. To his surprise, it came off quite easily. Sirius smiled, but his attention was drawn once more to the floor. He needed a lot of water to rinse all that away....
Well, Sirius Black was not one of Hogwarts' cleverest students for nothing. His brain recalled an odd sort of a show that he and Remus had watched on TV one night.... a Muggle cartoon from Japan, with the rather strange name of Sailor Moon. In it, there had been a girl with teal-colored hair and a short blue-green skirt, and she had had an attack which sent large amounts of water shooting from her hands. Sirius had asked her how to do it, but of course, she hadn't responded ("I'll never get used the these Muggle TeleBision contraptions..." he sighed to himself). But - what if he tried it anyway? With his wand?
He pointed his wand at the floor, and shouted, "DEEP SUBMERGE!"
The result was frightening; a huge jet of water burst from his wand, turning the soapy kitchen into a soapy swimming pool. Sirius yelped and almost lost his levitation powers - he managed to keep from falling in at the last second. Good thing he had closed the kitchen door! He had an idea, and floated over to the door which led from the kitchen into the back garden. He opened it, and all the water rushed out into the back garden. Relieved, Sirius lowered himself back to the floor. It was very wet, and he slipped, grabbing onto the counter just in time to save himself from a fall. Hmm. He decided the best course of action was to let the floor air-dry, so he carefully walked across the floor and back into the living room.
The living room was, indeed, a mess, even more so than the kitchen. Stacks of books, rolls of parchment, and half-empty bottles of ink littered the coffee table and Remus' desk. The couch cushions were askew from last night's - *ahem* - 'festivities', the evidence of said festivities still on them (oh dear....). A banana peel was draped on top of the TV, and Sirius' black cowboy hat hung from the corner of the TV stand. Not to mention the floor was littered with thousands of wrappers from mini-sized chocolate bars; he and Remus had bought plenty of sweets to satisfy both the trick-or-treaters and their own insatiable love of chocolate. Sirius sighed, but before he even started cleaning he made his current favorite CD float over to the CD player and insert itself. Immediately, the small house was filled with the grinding noise of Sirius' favorite American rock band, Metallica.
~*~*~*~*~*~
~*An Hour Later*~
Heading up the path to the house, Remus felt a lot calmer. For some reason, shopping (even at Muggle stores) calmed him quite well. But just then - his sensitive hearing picked up the heavy bass rumble of Sirius' music. Remus stopped in horror, almost dropping the bag with the eggs in it. He just realized he could *hear* his house before he could see it. His lover was at it again.
Remus trudged toward his house. He could swear the music was so loud that it was blowing him away. He forced the door open (he seemed to be pushing against the loudness of the music), and was greeted by a sight he had become well used to.
Sirius was standing on the cushion-less couch, singing along with the song, pretending his wand was a microphone. In his other hand was a king-sized Pixie Stick, and his black cowboy hat was perched on his head. The living room was just as bad as it had been when Remus had left - but the sight of Sirius singing karaoke in such tight clothes was quite cute.
".......Taaaaaaaaaake my haaaand, we're off to Never-Never Land....." Sirius sang, then noticed Remus watching him and blushed. He jumped off the couch and pointed his wand at the CD player, silencing Metallica. "Umm, I *was* cleaning the house..... but then I wanted some music.... soooo...."
Remus put a finger to Sirius' lips and smiled. "It's okay, Siri-love, as long as you cleaned up the kitchen, at least. Sirius brightened and nodded. "Help me put these away, then, and if the kitchen looks good, I'll have a reward for you," Remus smiled.
Thankfully, the kitchen floor was dry by then. The sand and the broken toaster had been removed as well. Remus surveyed this with interest and surprise. "Well, Padfoot, I didn't think you had it in you," he commented as he started putting the groceries away. Thankfully, it was too dark to see how wet the back garden was. Sirius breathed a small sigh of relief, and was even *more* relived when Remus said, "I hear it's going to rain tonight. Good thing - the garden needs it."
Food put away, Remus turned to Sirius and smiled seductively. "Want your reward now?"
Sirius' eyes widened, and he nodded. "Hell, yeah!"
Remus smacked him lightly on the butt. "Get in that bedroom, then."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Okay, there was *one* thing about living with Sirius that wasn't a trial or a tribulation.
The sex was fantastic.
THE END!