Oh, shit. This is so not the way I planned this. And believe me, I'd planned it. And schemed it. And fantasized about it. But not like this. Not today. Today was about Neely, and about Travis. This wasn't supposed to be about AJ. Dammit. I need to remember to kick Rachel's butt when I see her again. Why the hell did she have to tell him about today? And why did he have to follow me to the cemetery? God, I'm glad he did. Oh, man, why did I have to sob all over his shirt? That's an appealing picture. Blubbering woman, red eyes, snotty nose. Shit.
Oh, hell, we're here. Crap, did I remember to put up the laundry? That would be the perfect topper to this whole fiasco, him walking in to see my ratty underwear lying on the couch. Ok, deep breath. Open the door, you moron, he's standing there waiting on you.' Sighing, I climbed out of the car. 'Let's get this over with.'
With the best smile I could manage, which wasn't much, I lead AJ up to the door of my house. My head was pounding from a combination of stress and the crying jag I'd had earlier. My hands were trembling so much that I almost dropped the door key before I could get it into the lock. When AJ gently took the key away from me and opened the door, I wanted to cry again. Why the hell was he being so nice to me? God, I had to get a grip on my emotions. He pushed the door open, then stood aside for me to go in. The look on his face said that he was questioning his decision to come here. Who could blame him? I really didn't want to be alone right now, but it was going to be his choice. "Do you still want to come in?"
"Sure."
His voice was a lot more sure than his eyes were.
I lead the way into the living room, throwing a quick glance at the couch. No underwear, thank God. I left him to settle himself in there while I started a pot of coffee. I came back from the kitchen to find him studying the pictures on the mantle. Mentally I braced myself for the questions then decided not to wait for them. I handed him a mug full of coffee and began. "That's Neely there. She was five in that one."
We moved to sit on the couch. There was a long moment of silence that wore on my nerves, but then again, everything was wearing on my nerves today.
"She would have been 18 this year." My voice broke and I took a moment to fight back the tears. I was not going to cry again, but I couldn't seem to stop talking. "We would have been looking at colleges for her to go to. She was going to go to college, no matter what it took. She wasn't going to spend her life sitting behind some dingy bar."
Dammit, there they went again. I swiped the tears away, aggravated at my lack of control. "I'm sorry."
AJ shook his head and gave me a sexy half grin. "Would you quit apologizing for being human? I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, but I have lost a woman I loved. I'd say you're holding up amazingly well."
"That judge you told me about?"
AJ looked surprised. I assumed he had forgotten that he'd told me about her, but that had been a strange night and he'd had more than usual at the bar. I'd been getting ready to try to talk him out of his keys when a younger man in a three piece suit had shown up. I'd done a double take as he walked in. "Clayton?"
"Dorothy, how are you?" I hadn't seen Clayton Webb in years, but I'd have known him anywhere. We'd practically grown up together while my mother worked as a housekeeper for Porter Webb, Clayton's mother.
After a quiet but intense conversation, AJ left with Clayton. The episode hadn't been discussed since. AJ slowly nodded his head. "Laura Delaney. She was killed on the front steps to my house."
"God, I'm sorry, AJ."
"I just wanted to say... hell, I don't know what I wanted to say exactly."
"It's ok. I don't talk about Travis much. I just... well, I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel bad that I didn't feel worse." I stood up and started pacing. "It wasn't that we had a bad marriage, but we didn't really have a good one either. Hell, we probably wouldn't have ever gotten married if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Neely. I'm not saying that he didn't care about me, or that I didn't care about him, but it was never a great love affair. We were... comfortable. God, I feel like such a bitch for saying that now."
AJ walked over and took my hand. "Don't say that, you're only human."
"Well, I'm just being truthful, AJ." Dammit, another tear was snaking its way down my cheek. I turned my head and tried to hide it from him, but not fast enough. His free hand tenderly turned my face back toward him, then he wiped the tear away with his finger. His eyes were staring into mine so intensely I couldn't have looked away if I'd tried. His head bent slightly toward me, and I knew he was going to kiss me. But he stopped and straightened before he dropped his hands to his sides. I almost swayed when he pulled away from me, but I caught myself.
He cleared his throat. "Have you eaten today?"
My brain took a moment to shake the cobwebs loose before it followed his sudden change of topic. "Um, yeah. Rachel knows how I get on the anniversary, so she brought over a pot of soup yesterday. She says I have no excuse now not to eat."
He took a step back. "Good. Would you like me to heat some up for you?" The part about 'before I leave' was as plain as if he'd said it out loud.
"No, that's ok. I'm fine now. Thanks, AJ. You've helped a lot today. Really." I was still trying to figure out what happened with that almost kiss. Maybe some time alone would help.
"If you need anything, at anytime, give me a call. I'm in the McLean phone book." He looked at me for a moment, as if he were trying to reach a decision. Finally, he seemed to have reached it. He reached up again, and touched my face. "Take care of yourself, Dottie. I'll see you later."
I watched him walk out the door, and slowly walked into the kitchen to warm up some soup. It looked like I'd blown it again.