Musings of a Former Pacifist
By: Lady DeathAngel
A/N: Okay, this is pretty much just something I decided to write off the top of my head. Whether or not it makes sense, you decide. Also, if you'd like to read more musings, let me know. I'm thinking that it'd be fun to write more. ^.^ Oh, and please review, k?
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I don't own Relena Darlian. I don't own the Gundam-verse, and the only things that belong to me are her musings. So don't sue me. Please.
I can't really tell you how I feel about war in a few simple words. I can say that I hate it, and in a way I do, but in certain ways I don't hate it at all. Most people who know me, know me as a pacifist. And I was one, but I'm not sure I was always one.
When the wars had first started to become a major part of my life, I didn't really care. Of course I hated what was going on, but I didn't understand what was going on. Everything that was involved all dealt with politics. And to a fifteen-year-old girl, especially a spoiled one such as myself, politics are boring. I think that every so often I'd hear my father talking about it to my mother. But I just couldn't comprehend any of it.
A few months later, the war took on a sort of body to me. It became personal. When my father died and I found out the truth about myself, I didn't even care that I was royalty. I only cared that my father had died, that Lady Une had killed him, and that it had all been because of the stupid war that was being waged around me. It was suddenly a very serious matter, but all that I could think of was my personal revenge.
I wasn't the only one who mourned, of course. Many people mourned for me, and that helped a little. It also helped for me to get a reality check, and that was that I couldn't do anything really. The men and women responsible for the death of my father and the war in general were much more powerful than I was, smarter and more experienced. I needed assistance.
And that was when I realized that Heero Yuy wasn't just some boy I was infatuated with. He was my means to an end. He was my tool for revenge.
I don't think I used him. I wasn't a big enough influence by any stretch of the imagination. But I wanted, more than anything, for him to be my avenger. He was everything I wanted to be, strong, intelligent, and perfectly calm. He didn't let his emotions cloud his judgment. I knew that I needed to be all those things to accomplish my goals. But I wasn't any of those things, and that was why I needed him.
I supported him through everything. When he destroyed the space shuttle with Mr. Noventa on it, I didn't bat an eyelash. I knew by then how everything was conducted and I suspected that he, as well as the other Gundam pilots, had been set up. Later when news had reached me that he had self-detonated his Gundam, I knew he couldn't be dead. Well, I didn't know for sure. I was worried sick for days that he was gone.
But he wasn't and I tracked him down. I don't even remember what I told him. Whether it was to stop fighting or to kill his opponent. All I know is that that day I changed. I found out that a man I hated was a blood relative. He was a Peacecraft as well. And sometime that night I started to wonder just what a Peacecraft was. It was then I realized that I was supposed to be a pacifist.
To my family, wars were taboo. So, I changed my entire mindset. No more encouraging Heero to fight. Oh no, now it was 'Lay down your weapons! Wars will only lead to more wars!'
I didn't believe a word of it, you know. I said it because it was required of me. After a while I forgot that I didn't believe it, but I didn't ever really believe it. There were a few sleepless nights, the ones where I wasn't spending hours thinking about Heero, when I battled with myself over my personal beliefs.
I tried to convince myself that pacifism was the right way to go. It was obviously in my blood, and it made a lot of sense. Besides, this war had taken so many lives and it was bound to take hundreds more. That being the case, why have them at all? But I knew that while pacifism was theoretically correct, it would never become a reality. Mankind had always loved to fight, still did love to fight, and probably always would. There was no ignoring it.
I tried to ignore it for a few months. I became the leader of Sanq and taught other girls younger than me and even older than me that peace is only attained through peaceful actions. But then many things happened to make me wonder about what I was teaching. One was the presence of many soldiers in my kingdom and two was the presence of one Dorothy Catalonia.
In the end, I allowed weapons into my safe haven. I let Dorothy drag me out to see battles. I stopped telling Heero to stop fighting. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hide it anymore. I knew war was necessary. It had to happen if it was ever going to end again, and I knew that in a few more years another one would start and the cycle would start over again.
Towards the end of the war I'd grown jaded and numb. Whether or not the many people I cared about lived or died . . . it didn't matter to me. To me, it was just so stupid. We were all so busy trying to figure ourselves out, wondering if anything was wrong with us for being involved in this, perplexed when we questioned if we were doing the right thing. The war was being fought by a bunch of adolescents and none of us knew what the hell we were doing.
For instance, there was me, still putting on a front that pacifism was the only way. Then there was delusional Noin who couldn't see my brother for the scum he was at the time. The Gundam pilots were being rejected by both Earth and the colonies, and OZ was at a loss because their great leader was welcoming strange blonde women with queer eyebrows and penchants for telling stories onto their ship. We were all so confused and we were the ones determining the fate of the colonies and the earth.
By then end of it, we were all pretty neurotic. Maybe borderline psychotic. I know that had I been in my right mind I would have realized I didn't want to be a Vice Foreign Minister. I wanted to crawl up in a ball in my bed and cry and sleep for at least ten years. Noin, who was upset over Zechs and who was still convinced he could do no wrong, disappeared for a while and Lady Une and Dorothy were no longer evil incarnate. The Gundam pilots, all of whom I finally met one day, were really just in varying states of shock that they had made it out alive and victorious.
They had all been neurotic before the war as far as I could tell, and after they were the same as always. Well, maybe a bit more confident and a bit . . . softer.
Two months following the end of the war, the Preventers were set up in an attempt to keep such a thing from every happening again. But happen it did. And once again the war was being fought by young ones. Well, there were a few who were of an age to be called adults, and one old man was controlling one toddler like a puppet on a stage, but it was the same cast of characters back again.
One year older, a few months wiser, but still as absolutely bewildered as ever.
Take me for example. It took me being drugged, kidnaped, threatened by a girl barely out of kindergarten, and paraded around several bases like a prize winning bull at a stock show before I finally came out of the closet. I told everyone what I'd known for over a year. Peace isn't gained by doing nothing. You have to take it.
And boy did I want to take it. I wanted for Dekim to be stomped into the ground. I wanted Heero to prove that none of them were what they thought they were. Hell, I wanted to die for my cause, if I had to. Of course, Dekim wasn't stomped, he was shot through the head. And Heero proved that none of them were what they thought they were, without killing anyone. And I didn't have to die for my cause.
They only good thing that came out of that was my denouncing my title as a Peacecraft, and getting rid of all the baggage that came with it.
It's taken me two years to recover from those two years. And now I understand. I hate war, I really do. But it's inevitable. And while wars may be stupid you can't just end one by getting on a vid screen and saying 'Peace and love forever!' or by wearing a crown and getting rid of borders. But that's all right. Because as long as there are men like the Gundam pilots around to avenge you, you can be sure you're in safe hands.
A/N: Well, what did you think? Please review, okay? A writer needs feedback, ya know. It's like bread and water, only better. ^.~