Evanesce

Chapter Five
Digging in the Dirt

I still didn't know what I was going to say, but at least this time I had my wits. I sat there for hours, having lost interest in and all but forgotten the photo album I held. I was going to do things my way, and hope it all came together in the end. I didn't know any other way of doing it.

When Neil did get back, he looked genuinely shocked. If only that, the reaction, was all I had wanted... The old days' always look so good; maybe someday I'll laugh and wish I were back here. Things'd have to be really bad then, I'm guessing. I'm already wishing I was back before it all happened, even with the war and all. No real sense in it, I guess, seeing as it'll never happen.

Anyway, when Neil got back I got to talk to him. It wasn't hard getting him to tell me what I wanted to know; I knew him well enough to be able to keep the conversation pretty much in my control. A couple of words here or there were all I needed to keep him on track. I learned some interesting things. Like that the Phantoms had been destroyed and gone for little over a year. Or that the world was recovering nicely, with the help of science. Or about Neil's life the past few years, and I learned it was one without the Deep Eyes.

Then it was my turn.

It occurred to me then, the chance I had. Neil didn't know me. I could be his friend, and he wouldn't know the difference. A fresh start, a lie really, and it was so tempting. And of course I couldn't do it. I know I can be cruel, and I often make it a point to be, but I couldn't lie to him like that.

I didn't get to tell him much, but I told him the truth. I left out a lot, such as the voices and the scientists and all that. I didn't tell him why, but I did tell him how we didn't get along all too well. I'd forgiven him for those words a long time ago. I just never told him that I did. I started to tell him about the Deep Eyes and how we knew each other and everything, but stopped when he became kinda agitated.

"You're a Dreamer," he accused. I looked up from my hands and at him. He was... afraid? I don't know, maybe curious but... The way he'd said it was weird; like it was supposed to be an insult, but then he just looked ashamed.

"A what?" I asked, but the door chimed before he answered, if he even intended to.

The man at the door was a soldier, but I could instantly tell he'd never been in a combat situation. He was more of a secretary, a REMF. He looked very bored with his job.

"Task duty," he said plainly, handing Neil a piece of paper.

I stood and placed the book on the desk when the man looked at me. Neil grabbed the book and put it in a box, one filled with similar looking albums. He left without a word, and I... didn't know what to do.

"Well?" the stranger asked, "What are you waiting for?" I'd forgotten about him.

"What?" I asked, annoyed. Stupid pompous sonnofa...

"Are you going or do I have to escort you there myself?"

I didn't know what he meant at first. He gave me a slip of paper with my name on it and pointed in the direction Neil'd gone. As I left I heard him complaining quietly to himself.

I caught up with Neil before he'd gotten too far. He was dragging his feet anyway, which made it easier.

"Gotta love Pool life," he said as I slowed my pace to match his.

"Yeah, it's lovely," I answered. The Pool was where they put unwanted soldiers and officers. I'd spent a collective two months there in between the three squads and one company I'd served in. Any given person was to be available at all times, and if that person was skilled they made full use of them. I hadn't realized until then that that's where Neil was serving, but it suddenly made a bit of sense why he'd look as tired as he did.

I looked at the paper while we waited for the elevator. Although I'd seen it before, I hadn't actually realized that it was my name printed on the duty form. The idea itself almost had me turned around to go after the... secretary. It also scared me half to death.

"You coming?" Neil asked, and I remembered he existed. I nodded, somewhat distracted, and followed him into the elevator. "I'm sorry," he said, toying with the sleeve of his uniform.

"What for?" I asked, carefully studying the paper. It was nothing special, I've seen hundreds of these things, but it had my name on it. Well, so had the others, but here and now...

"I didn't mean anythin' bad by it," Neil continued, "It's just... you know what people can say sometimes and it can get into your head an' you're not really sure what they mean or if it's just speculation, y'know?"

It took me a minute to dissect the sentence and figure out what he meant. Ah, yes, the dreamer' thing.

"Don't worry about it," I said, finally crumpling up the paper and shoving it into a pocket. I'd worry about it later.

"They are weird people though," it's hard to admit I actually missed this, "Or so I've heard. Never met one, actually, so I couldn't really tell you."

"Yeah, where are we going?" I asked, wondering if I could be defined as weird' enough. I kinda didn't want to know.

"No idea."

As it turned out, we got sent to repair some broken... ah... thing. I have little idea of what it did, except that it had something to do with generating power. That and they wouldn't turn off the electricity for us. Apparently it was still connected with circuitry and acted as a conduit for other things of its kind, or something like that. It was my luck, good or bad, that I'd been confused for a technician, and I soon learned that I was definitely in a strange world. The only thing I learned was how not to touch live wires, which wasn't fair because I already knew that. It probably didn't help that I was a bit distracted, not to mention scared as hell of the electricity.

"So what do you really do?" Neil asked. We were working in a depression under the floors that I never knew existed. It would seem that I don't make that good a tech.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to act like I knew what I was doing while playing with a tangle of wires. What a mess they were, and I found myself trying to untangle them and organize them a little.

"No offence or anything," he said, "But you just don't seem to... You're not..."

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing," I stated for him, more than a little frustrated. I abandoned the wires and met his gaze.

"Right, somethin' like that," he said slowly, handing me the screwdriver, "Get that panel there, please."

"Yeah, sure," I sighed, and he took over with the wires.

"So?" he asked after a minute, "What d'you do?"

"I'm a Quickshot," I said, rather reluctantly. Something was bothering me again, but I couldn't quite figure what it was. In the situation I was in, it was strange that one little unknown thing would be so disruptive.

"Is it what you wanted to be?" I only shrugged. When I'd signed up, I had a few options. They narrowed down to the artillery branch, and to the shoot and run soldier from there. I'd never thought about it.

I kept drifting in and out of the conversation. For a time, I just sat there and listened to the voices in my head and my own thoughts. I didn't like being so easily distracted. There wasn't really anything relevant about any of it, it seemed.

"So why'd you join the military in the first place?" Neil asked at length.

"Parental influence," I said quietly.

"Father?"

"Mother," it was something I hadn't thought about in years. No, that wasn't true, but I didn't think about it often, "Stepfather some. I never knew my father."

"What happen to him?" Neil was playing with fuses of some kind, and I tried to imagine that the fuses were something special and warranting of my attention.

"He was a marine that was sent on the Crusade Attack," I explained, "Before they combined the forces, and he got killed. A couple of weeks later, mom found out she was pregnant." A sideways glance revealed that he was listening to me. I'd been hoping he wasn't, "It was a soldier thing, right? Nothing special. She got back to the marines quick after I was born, then the USMF was formed and she became one of the youngest colonels ever. I guess in the beginning I kinda wanted to be like her.

"But later, after I'd found my world, I just wanted to be myself, and not her daughter." I don't know why I was telling this man these things, of all people. Only a few people knew I wasn't my stepfather's daughter.

"Everyone wants to be a hero," Neil said. Funny how he sounded, almost wistful. I decided I didn't like it, sounded too strange coming from him, "Who was it, Kenis or Proudfoot?"

"What?" I asked, having momentarily forgotten the way Neil had of picking up small bits of useless information.

"Two youngest women colonels in the history of the USMF," Neil stated, "Which was she?"

"Proudfoot," I mumbled, remembering only too well an old comment on his part about my mother. I half expected it again and was glad when it never came.

"No kiddin'?" he'd stopped working completely, stopped fiddling with things even, and just stared at me intently.

"No, why?" I asked, more than a little unnerved by the look on his face.

"Man, I thought you were still missin' from the first Dustbowl mission," he said, looking rather amazed, "Your mother was up in arms about it, had half of New York up and lookin' for you for a year."

Let me point out two inconstancies here. The Dustbowl mission was a nice success, and there was no need for a second; we set up an observation post in the middle of the North American continent without too much trouble. The second, my mother never really cared for me, at least not since I was ten. Maybe I just realized it when I was ten, but that's not the point.

I tried to ask what he meant, but a sudden yell interrupted me. It startled us both, and we peered over the edge of the floor to see a woman scientist getting dragged off by some soldiers. She didn't seem to be struggling or anything, she just sorta went with them slowly. I was left wondering if she'd been the one to yell, or if it'd been someone else.

"Hey, keep your head down," Neil said, "Not our business, right?" He pulled me back down slowly and I sat out of the way while he started working again. I didn't want to think much of it, and let my mind wander again. I watched him as time ticked by, and eventually something occurred to me.

"You look tired," I said casually. No surprise what the answer was.

"Yeah," he didn't want to talk about it. My guess was that they'd been keeping him on a very scant sleeping schedule.

"Why don't you sleep here?" I suggested, only to get a confused look.

"Why'd I wanna do that?"

"Tired?" I repeated, "I'll cover for you, if you wanted to sleep here."

"You're serious?" he asked, looking incredulous.

"Yep,"

I don't know why I was doing what I was, but maybe it had something to do with the fact that the number of times I've done nice things for the guy can literally be counted on one hand. In the end he accepted the proposal and dozed off against one wall of the pit. I can't say I didn't think of reporting him, but of course I wouldn't do it. Not now anyway.

I watched him sleep. He looked too serene, brought back the mental image of his death. I told myself I couldn't think about that anymore, he was alive and was hopefully gonna stay that way. I stretched my legs across the floor and stared at the man who'd twice become the stability in my life. Go figure it'd be one of the most unstable people I'd ever known. Still, at that moment I could almost forget my ideas about finding my other comrades.