At work I had been working on something new when he walked through the door. There was something wrong with seeing him there. This was my safe place. He wasn't meant to be here. Liam and I were bouncing ideas off each other. There was some equation we'd been asked to work on. Wormhole Physics or something. Something in the equation didn't make sense. I don't recall what. The moment I saw his face, all out of place there, standing behind Liam, leaning on the doorframe. My mind went blank. Liam must have seen something in my face change because he turned to face Jonas with fire in his eyes. They'd never met, but Liam knows more about Jonas and I than anyone else that I know. He's like by big brother. Still I haven't told him everything. I could never tell him everything. I waited for something to happen, praying for him to be careful, not to confront Jonas. Then he smiled and the cloud lifted. The silence broke and I walked over to him, carefully placing myself between him and Liam. Hey' was all I said. I kissed him and he explained that he was delivering something to one of the generals further down the hall and had decided to drop in. I introduced him to Liam and they shook hands and Liam smiled, polite but distant. I thanked him mentally and watched Jonas walk down the hall and around the corner. I smiled at Liam and walked calmly into the office. Liam came in a moment later, he sat beside me, he wiped the tears from my face and he gasped as the tears removed the make up covering my face. I didn't see him leave, but he returned after a few minutes with a wet cloth. He wiped my face clear of the mask and looked carefully at every mark. Then he took my hands and looked into my eyes. Stop' was all he said to me, but in that comment I knew I'd lost control. I tried to decide when it had happened. Maybe it was here on my cheek, or here on my finger, or here on my ribs. Maybe I'd never had control. Maybe control was his game and I'd been playing it all this time.

Am I in too deep? Can I take control?

You'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..

I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin

I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did

And I won't keep it up even though I would love to

Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless

And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will complete me yet as will you knight in shining armor

This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did

Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss

And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid

And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me

I've spent so much time living in survival mode

Alanis Morissette – Precious Illusions