epilogue
"December 19th, 2032
Dear Juliana,
Dr. Perry thought that it might be a good idea that I write you this letter. I'm not so sure. I mean, what do I have to say to you? You're rotting in jail, something I never pictured you doing well... I mean, I never pictured you there at all. How could you change so much? Is ten years so long that people can become something that they're not? Or did I never really know you at all?
When I hear your name, all I can picture is the way you looked when I first saw you at Node 3, a million lifetimes ago; your hair was all messy, pulled back in a rushed pony tail that looked like it would fall out any minute. And Nick; God... I wish I could have seen him one last time. He was a good man, Jules. But I guess you knew that...
You were my first love. Not that I had much opportunity for love in my adolescence; my mind always separated me from everyone my age. With you it was like none of that mattered. You weren't intimidated by it. You weren't intimidated by much at all.
I think I'd like to remember you that way, if you don't mind. I know that Dr. Perry would say that I'm running from what happened, but that's not it. The Juliana I knew was a loving, gentle soul who had an incredible mind and great things in her future. I really believe that you were meant for better things, Jules. Much better things...
Thinking about you makes me think of how much my life has changed since the good old days. Actually, not just my life, but the whole world. We're on the brink of war, and my friends are dying. You're in jail, Lonnie's dead, my father is actually talking to me...
It's like I'm living in a parallel dimension, that maybe I can somehow find my way back to my world, pick up where I left off. I could have one more conversation with Brody, tell him how much I looked up to him. He was the perfect soldier, Jules. Always in control. He was military through and through. And he died. If someone like Brody can die so easily, what does that say for my chances of surviving? I'm not some kid anymore, Jules, I'm an actual officer. People listen and do what I tell them to. I'm not just responsible for myself, and Captain Bridger isn't around to make sure I'm safe. What if it turns out that I can't do everything? What if I'm... not good enough?
Wow, by the looks of things, I guess I had a lot to say to you, huh?
Tony tells me that I need a girl to get my mind off of things. I wish I could be like him. He's so... free. He's adjusting so well. I mean, he had this huge crush on Lonnie, and now she's... And he doesn't even really talk about it. I did catch him one night, though, by the moonpool. He had her dogtags, and he was just staring into space. I left him alone. He's always been someone who likes to keep his emotions to himself. But I know he misses her. We all do.
Tony's wrong, though. I don't need a girl. I need... well for one thing, I need a good night's sleep. Dr. Perry tells me that the nightmares will go away, and every time they come I pray that she's right. Most of the time I wake up out of breath, all of the pain returning, with your face in my mind-- the expression you had on your face as you held your gun on me...
I know I told you that I wasn't going to remember you like that, but I think my subconscious has other plans. Can you blame it for focusing on that image?
They are getting farther and farther in between, though, for which I am grateful. I know Hudson is too; I haven't been at my peak job performance level lately. He's been pretty understanding, all things considered; I mean, I did manage to get his boat boarded by terrorists. Could you blame the man for being a little mad? I certainly expected him to. But you know, he really wasn't. That man confuses me. One minute he's throwing Tim across the bridge and making me do a sensor overhaul by myself, and the next he's giving me all this shore leave and personal time. Maybe there's more to him then I originally thought...
In any case, I'm going back to full duty soon. I think I'm ready to handle it. I admit, the whole ensign thing really got to my head there for a while. I guess I should be glad that I still have friends. I know now though that being an ensign isn't all it's cracked up to be, but I just might make it through. I've realized that it doesn't matter what planet or dimension I'm in or in or out of; as long as I have my friends, I'll make it through.
Not an earth shattering revelation, but it'll do. People always say that you learn from your mistakes and experiences, good or bad. I guess from all of this I've learned that I need to let go of the past, and embrace this new world I'm living in. It may be very different from the one I remember, but it's still the same place that I left.
Hey, what is it that people say about hard times? What doesn't kill makes you stronger?
Well, I'm trying to get stronger, Jules. Maybe one day soon I can look back at all of this and say that it made me a better soldier, or a stronger man. Maybe even that I would go through it all again because of what it taught me.
But I doubt it.
I miss you.
Love, Lucas."
Katequestie, October 11th, 2002