This isn't a J/H fic, but rather a fic of Edna's life, through her POV. It shows what she may have been thinking when she left Hyde. Took me bout 2 hours to write, but I had a great time doing it!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, besides Edna's musings, I guess. The story line is all mine..
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"I don't want this baby!" she screamed at him, chucking the pregnancy test in his direction. "I don't want it, and I don't want you!"
"Edna, please, just…" he tried, reaching out for her, as the test sailed over his head.
"No!" she shouted, still livid. "I don't want to hear another word from you! You're the one who got me in this mess to begin with!"
"Edna…" he tried again.
"Didn't you hear me? Stay out of this, Bud! I'm getting an abortion!" Throwing him one last resentful look she stomped over to the phone, picking it up and beginning to dial a number.
He walked over to her, putting one arm around her shoulder and with the other he gently pried the phone out of her hand. She let him do it, clinging to him as sobs suddenly began to wreck her body.
"Shh, it's gonna be okay, Edna.." he whispered while stroking her hair.
Edna shook her head as he gently lowered her to the floor.
"No it won't," she hiccuped, crawling into his lap as he settled himself against the wall. "I don't want it, I don't.."
"Hey, don't cry baby," he soothed as he continued to stroke her red locks. "And don't say that. You'll keep it, and we'll get married, how does that sound?"
She looked up at him, tears running freely down her cheeks. He nodded, continuing,
"We'll get married, and I'll get a good job, and we'll get an apartment," he hesitated. "You'll have to quit the water show, though."
She began to cry again, and he sighed, knowing how she much she loved being a member of the water skiing team. He began rocking back and forth, holding her in his arms. They must have made a funny sight, sitting curled up in a dark corner of his small apartment, but it didn't matter.
"Don't you worry baby, you won't have to do this alone. I'll be there, you won't have to do this alone," he whispered, repeating the phrase over and over again, knowing how it comforted her. "I'll be there for you…"
Placing a cigarette between her lips and lighting it, Edna scoffed, thinking about his 'promises'. Sure, they'd gotten married, and he'd found them a place to live in the local trailer park, and he'd gotten a job and provided for them – for a while.
After six years he'd grown tired, and after an additional three he'd left them. Just left them, without a word. And she'd suddenly found herself unemployed and with a nine year old to care for.
'Not the ideal situation for a woman in the prime of her life,' Edna thought, stubbing out her cigarette in the ashtray and reaching for another one to light up.
Edna walked up to the trailer, grasping two paper bags full of groceries. Struggling up the small steps to the screen door she shifted the bags in her arms, reaching for the door handle. One of the bags tipped slightly, sending a loaf of bread and a bag of apples tumbling down the porch. Edna swore, trying to stabilize the bags.
"Steven!"
The sound of running footsteps, and a small boy was at the door, holding it open and taking one bag from his mother. Edna bent down and snatched up the groceries that were lying on the ground, saying a silent thanks that the plastic bags hadn't split open.
She stepped into the living room, and walked over to the kitchen, placing the paper bag on the table with a loud thump. Steven followed, mimicking her, before hurrying out to the living room and the couch, where he'd been watching Tv before coming to his mother's aid.
Edna put the groceries away, and then walked into the living room, shrugging of her coat and sinking down into the couch beside her son. Absentmindedly she played with his hair, noting amused that it had starting to curl, looking much like her uncles' on her mother's side of the family.
She looked away from the Tv screen when she heard her husband's heavy footsteps grow louder. He was standing in the doorway to their bedroom, watching her and Steven intently.
"Edna, we need to talk."
She immediately knew something was wrong, the tone of his voice showing as much. She stood up, looking him directly in the eye.
"What is it?"
He looked over to the nine year old sitting on the couch, "Steven, go to your room. Mommy and Daddy are gonna have a little talk."
Edna held out her hand, "No, Steven. Stay here." She turned to face her husband again. "Bud, what is it?"
Bud's gaze flickered to the child before he answered. "I've had enough, Edna. I'm going away for a while, to clear my head. I just need a break. From you, from Steven, from.. this!" He gestured around the messy trailer.
Mother and son stared at him.
"Daddy?"
"Bud, you are not leaving us!"
"No. I've already packed, and Tom is dropping by to take me to the bus station. You're not gonna stop me," Bud stated firmly, picking up the bag by his feet that she hadn't noticed until now.
"No Daddy!"
Steven shot past her and up to Bud, who looked down on the boy who was suddenly clutching onto his hand firmly. It reminded him about years ago, when the same eyes had been staring up at him, begging for reassurance. He'd been able to give it then, but not now.
He shook his head, prying his sons fingers away from his hand. Swinging his bag over his shoulder he turned to his wife as a car horn could be heard outside.
"Take care," he said, nodding towards her.
"How dare you?!" she hissed, her eyes full of malice. "How dare you?"
He merely shook his head again, stepping towards the door, and pushing the nine year old away from him.
"If you walk out that door, Bud Hyde, you can forget coming back!" she shrieked, picking up the nearest thing, which turned out to be an ashtray, and hurled it towards him.
It hit the wall beside him with full force, and he winced, before turning to face her again. "Goodbye, Edna."
He opened the screen door and stepped out, hearing something hit the screen moments after it had swung shut. He walked down the steps, towards the truck waiting for him, without looking back.
"Dad!" Steven screamed after him, before turning towards his mother who was still standing by the couch, breathing heavily.
"Go to your room, Steven," she rasped, steadying herself on the couch.
"Mommy!" the child sobbed, stepping towards her for consolation.
"Go to your room Steven!" she screamed, pointing to the back of the trailer.
The boy hiccuped and ran out of the room, and she sank down on the couch, head in her hands.
Edna shook her head. That's when it had begun going downhill. She loved Steven, she really did. He was her little boy, she'd fallen in love with him from the moment he opened his eyes and looked at her, but he reminded her too much of Bud. Bud the liar, Bud the abandoner, Bud the betrayer…
She had promised herself that she'd give Steven a secure home, a family he could be proud of, a bright future. To raise him to be understanding and compassionate and to believe in himself. He was such a smart boy, she felt he could really be something…
But she had failed. She had failed him in every way. And it was all Bud Hyde's fault. He'd promised her the world with his empty promises, only to snatch the world away from her when she thought she had it within reach.
Suddenly there was only Steven and her. And she couldn't help it, but if it hadn't been for adorable, sweet little Steven she would never be in this position in the first place. She would never had married Bud Hyde, their relationship would simply have been a short fling, a summer indulgence. She would have moved on, they both would've…
And Steven was just there, an awful little reminder about Bud Hyde and how big a failure she was. It was so easy to blame him for every thing gone wrong in her life, to stop laying the blame on herself. It had been wrong, she knew, he hadn't even been there, he couldn't be held responsible. And she'd poured the guilt over the child, making him believe he was the cause of ruining his mother's life. That it was his fault that she hadn't been able to find a job soon enough, and when she finally did, that it was his fault that she couldn't find a better job than in the school cafeteria.
And then there were the men, the ones she met in the bars after work. The never ending stream of men that she would bring home, that she would subject her little son to. She remembered the times she'd left him alone with one or another of them. How could she have done that? How could she have trusted them with her son?
Edna took another drag of her cigarette before stubbing it out. She was no better than Bud Hyde, that traitor. Leaving wife and child behind… No, she couldn't take it anymore. She was leaving… Leaving Steven, leaving this life, this guilt… It was so wrong of her, a child shouldn't have to experience being abandoned by both of his parents, but she couldn't stay any longer. She couldn't subject him of these bundles of guilt and criticism she kept throwing at him. It was better if she left.
She reached for the packet of cigarettes but stopped. No, it could wait. She was leaving now. She didn't know where she was going, but had manage to hitch a ride with a trucker she'd picked up from the local bar. She had introduced him as 'Butch' to Steven, and she could remember the disgust in her son's eyes as Butch had placed an arm round her. Yes, she told herself. It would be better if I left.
Steven was almost a grown man. He'd be alright on his own. She was hoping maybe one of his friends could help him find a place to stay. Maybe their parents would take pity on her poor son. His friends had so much better mothers than she could ever be.
She looked at the clock, it was close to 6 p.m. Butch would pick her up at 6, and she was hoping she wouldn't meet Steven before that. But in the same time, she hoped… Maybe it wasn't to late to show him some affection, some tenderness. Maybe he would allow her to hug him goodbye, allow her to show him that she loved him after all. Maybe she could whisper in his ear that he hadn't driven his father away, that he wasn't the cause of their current situation, that she'd just told him those things because she was frightened, because she couldn't handle the predicament she'd suddenly found herself in. Because she had needed someone to lay the blame on so that she herself could go on.
She looked around the kitchen. They'd eaten there yesterday. Another Tv-dinner she'd cooked in the second hand stove she'd manage to find. Maybe her conscious would be lighter if she had kept quiet during the 'meal' – if you could call it that. Maybe she'd feel better if she hadn't blamed him for them not being to able to handle the landlord raising the rent. There were a lot of 'if's, a lot of moments she would like to live again. But it was too late for that now.
She could hear the footsteps and looked up to hear the screen door rattle and Steven step through it, into the living room. She rose and walked out to meet him. He was soaked, the rain having gone straight though his thin jacket. He looked up at her, a quick glance, until he saw the bag at her feet. She looked on as realization hit him, as he straightened and looked her right in the eyes. Any other person wouldn't have guessed, but he had been through it once already – he knew from the start.
"You're not going." He seemed so sure, but she could hear the quiver in his voice.
"I am."
He tore his glasses off, and she looked into his eyes. They were so like her own blue ones, and she finally understood the despair Bud had felt when he had looked down in those same eyes eight years earlier.
She could see it flash through them, the memory of his father leaving, and now she, his mother, the only family he had known, was leaving him as well. She wished she could tell him that she wasn't going, she almost changed her mind, but then he uttered those three words.
"I hate you."
Spoken with so much passion, such sorrow, that she knew that she was doing the right thing. In leaving she was giving him a second chance in life, she could only hope he would take it.
"You're my mother, you're not supposed to leave! Damn you!"
She could hear the unshed tears in his voice, and it hurt her, it broke her heart, to say what she knew she must.
"'I know I'm your mother, but I'm.." the words caught in her throat. "I'm abandoning you, Steven."
With that she picked up her bag and walked past him, out through the door and out in the rain. She paused after a few steps, turning and looking back. Through the screen door she could see him standing with his back to her, and as she watched he let the jacket drop from his hands and sank down on the floor, staring into space.
She hurt even more seeing him do that. He'd only done it one time before, when Bud had left. She'd found him in his room, rocking back and forth and staring at nothing. He'd been crying, sobs racking through his small frame, without even noticing it.
She turned again, hearing the horn of the large truck. Butch was waiting for her. How ironic, mother and father both being called away by the honk of a horn. She walked up to the vehicle, opening the passenger door and throwing her small bag in. Climbing up and shutting the door after her, she smiled shakily at the large tattooed man sitting in the driver's seat.
"What's da matter, Edna?" he asked, putting the truck into 'drive' and pulling away from the side of the road. "What ya' cryin' for?"
Edna shook her head, blinking away the tears, as she saw her house – their house – grow smaller in the rear view mirror.
"It's nothing, Butch."
"If ya' say so."
Watching the house grow smaller and smaller until it disappeared she said a silent prayer for her son's safety and that whoever was up there, looking after them, would see to it that her Steven made the right choices, that he wouldn't give up. She knew he was strong, he could make it. She concluded the prayer by asking that someone find him a proper home, a warm loving home. That he would finally have what he deserved…
"Where ya' want me ta let ya' off?"
Edna looked up, a sincere smile now gracing her face, "Surprise me."
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Hope you enjoyed it! R&R!