Despite the late summer sun shining just outside the building, the room was
cool. Cordelia snuggled deeper into the blankets of the makeshift bed.
Her mind was full of thoughts and feelings racing faster than she could
keep up with. Fear, anger, and loneliness were all pounding a ragged beat
against her skull.
She wished Connor hadn't left. She was terribly hungry for the food that he said he was going to get, but she just didn't want to be alone. Being alone meant drowning in these feelings. For just a few minutes, Cordelia wanted to forget that she had forgotten.
No home, no family, and no friends. When Connor left, she had nothing but the deep blank of a past that meant nothing to her.
At least when he was here, she had someone to talk to. Even if he didn't say much in return.
Cordelia sighed heavily as she shifted onto her back. She was going to go stir crazy if he didn't get back soon.
"Ahh!" There was large man standing in the shadows, watching her silently. She sprang from the bed, her legs tangling in the blankets, sending her crashing to the ground.
"Would it kill you to hum a little tune before slipping up on people?" she snapped, unwinding the blanket from her legs so that she could stand.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to." Angel trailed off, stepping out of the shadows and moving to help her up.
Shaking off the hand he placed on her elbow, Cordelia pushed herself onto her feet. Brushing her hair behind her ear, she regarded his small smile through narrowed eyes. "Is my falling funny to you somehow?"
Taking a quick step back, Angel shook his head, holding his hands up in surrender. "No, it's just. Well, you always used to say that to me. You. you wanted me to hum so that I wouldn't startle you."
"It obviously didn't take," she returned, turning to pace a few steps away from him.
"Actually, I think you just got used to it. eventually," Angel said softly. It took all the willpower he had not to follow her. No matter what he tried, no matter what he did, it seemed like the distance between them just kept growing.
"Right." Cordelia folded her arms defensively across her chest, and tried not to let the fear and the hope she felt show on her expression. As much as she didn't really trust him, she knew that this man held the key to knowing more about who she was and how to get her memories back. "So, what are you doing here?"
He was silent for a moment, staring at her with that open need on his face. It scared her so much to see him looking at her like that. She didn't know exactly what it was that wanted from her, and she was pretty sure that if she did know, she wouldn't be able to give it to him.
He retreated into the shadows he had emerged from, picked up a black duffel bag, and came to stand beside her.
"I brought you some clothes," he told her, dropping the bag to the bed. "I figured you would probably be ready for a change of clothes right about now."
Glancing down at the bag, Cordelia expression brightened into a wide smile. Her eyes shot up to lock with his, beaming at him as she unzipped the bag and lightly fingered the material that spilled out. His own expression melted into smile at the unexpected happiness on her face. He stepped forward, running his own fingers over the soft fabrics.
The guarded look fell back into place as she abruptly pulled away from bag, pulled away from him. "Ah, thank you."
"Yeah, it's no problem." Angel stepped back, the smile fading from his features as he slid his hands into his pockets in an effort to appear casual. "I also put some food in there. Just some basic stuff like granola bars and there's some cut up fruit. Thought you might be getting a little hungry, too."
"Granola bars and fruit?" Cordelia perched on the edge of the bed, zipping open a side pocket to find the snacks he had brought. "So, I like granola bars and fruit?"
Angel smiled softly, sinking down onto the bed, keeping the bag between them. "Yeah. Something about being healthy and tasty all at the same time."
"How very practical of me," she replied, a soft snort escaping her lips. Unwrapping one bar, she took a bite. The room dipped into an uncomfortable silence as she chewed piece by piece. The food was a welcome gift, but she probably shouldn't eat that much considering Connor had gone out to get her dinner.
"Well, thank you. Connor just went to go get us some food, but I was feeling kind of hungry," Cordelia told him, moving to stand up. She was grateful that he had brought her things, and she knew that she probably needed to talk to him, but there was just something about this vampire with a soul that completely unnerved her.
"Right!" Angel's voice came out hurried and a bit desperate, and his hand shot out to keep her from rising any further. "I also brought some of your personal things. You didn't have much time to go through them yesterday."
"Oh." Cordelia settled back down into the blankets, brushing her hair once again away from her eyes. She wondered if that was a new habit or if it was something that she had always done when she was nervous.
"Yeah." Angel opened up another side pocket of the bag, pulling out a small box, a few items wrapped in newspaper, and a small, worn paperback book. "There are some pictures. of us, and a few of your family, and a couple of your friends from high school."
Cordelia took the pictures he offered to her, glancing down at the faces she didn't recognize, couldn't recognize. Glancing back up at him, her eyebrows drew in confusion as he unwrapped three glass figurines.
"You used to collect glass figurines," he told her, holding up the delicate items. "You stopped because I kept playing with them when. well, we lived together for awhile because my place blew up. and. well I broke a few of your collection."
Cordelia smoothed over the fragile glass horse with a fingertip. The surface was clear and cool beneath her fingertips, but it was still meaningless to her. She wondered if it was the horse or the glass that she'd liked so much.
She glanced up as the big man beside her shifted slightly. Angel was now holding a tattered paperback book out toward her. Her fingers wrapped around the edges, the thin paper bending in her grip. Dropping the novel onto her lap, Cordelia gently fingered the simple title. "Emma?"
"Yeah," Angel answered her. "It was your favorite book. I'd never really been one for Jane Austen's lighter novels, but you made me read this." He paused for a moment, cocking his head and chuckling slightly at the memory. "You said that you could identify with the main character, and that I needed to read this to understand you better."
Cordelia frowned slightly at the gentle upward curve of his lips. He seemed intent on bringing up the past between them, and as much as she needed to know it, it just made her frustrated with him. "Did you like the book?"
Angel nodded, his lips widening to show a perfect set of teeth. It was the first time she had really seen him smile like that, and the simple sight of it made her want to smile for the very first time. "Of course I liked it."
"Really? Was it because I suggested it to you?" Cordelia asked, feeling her own lips stretch into a teasing grin.
"Well, that, and Mr. Knightly gets the girl in the end." He leaned over the bag toward her, his eyes mischievous. "They were best friends."
Cordelia's face froze, her whole body tightening as his words washed over her. The air around her seemed to thin, and she suddenly had trouble dragging the oxygen into her lungs. She stood quickly, stepping away from the bed to put a bit more distance between them.
"Look, Cord-"
"How did you get over here, anyway?" she interrupted him, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared down at him. "I didn't think vampires could go out during the day. Do vampires with souls not need to sleep in coffins or something?"
Angel stared up at her in silence, his expression blank. Standing from the bed, he spoke, the effort to keep his voice light obvious. "Vampires don't actually sleep in coffins, and I took the sewers over her. There's not a lot of sunlight in this place, so I thought that I would be okay."
"Vampires don't sleep in coffins?" she asked. "Are you sure?"
"Ah, yeah," he replied. Her eyebrow was cocked in that small teasing way of hers, and Angel felt the tension drain from his shoulders at the simple sight of that expression that could only be described as purely Cordy. "I'm pretty sure that vampires don't sleep in coffins."
"Oh."
The room dipped back into silence, and Cordelia found that it nearly every silence with this man had to be an awkward one. Her life must have been pretty frustrating then, because he didn't really seem like the type that talked a lot.
The thing about this silence, however, was that while it was awkward, it wasn't necessarily all about him. Sometime in the last twenty-four hours, she had almost gotten used to him staring at her with that little half smile and all that hope shining in his eyes. No, this awkwardness was because of her, because she couldn't give him what he wanted, and she found herself so desperately wanting to try.
Clearing his throat, Angel drew Cordelia's gaze back to him. "Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing."
"You saw me last night," she said, her voice soft despite the harshness she wanted behind the words. "Not much has really changed since then."
"Right." He stopped for a moment as she avoided his gaze, rocking back and forth on her heels. "I just thought that you might have come up with some more questions. you know, about you. and your life. You may not be staying at the hotel with me, but I meant what I said. I want to help you get those memories back."
Her eyes focused on his broad chest rather than seeing, yet again, that look of need and want in his eyes. "I know, and thank you." She knew this was the opportunity that she longed for all night, the chance to ask him more about her past, the chance to learn more about the little things in her life. But every question seemed to flee from her mind. As much as she wanted to know the truth, the truth about this man and from this man made her a little scared. "But I'm doing okay."
Angel's eyes dropped from her face to the floor, a short laugh escaping his lips. Looking back up at her, he nodded shortly and took a step away from her. "I understand."
"Thank you for the offer though," she said, and for the first time, she was the one taking a step toward him as he backed away.
"No problem. Whenever you're ready to talk."
Cordelia walked a few paces behind him as he headed toward the door. At the last moment, he turned around, reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small, black cell phone. "I also wanted to give you this."
"A cell phone?"
"Yeah. I know that you've decided to stay here. with Connor, but if anything ever happens. if you ever need me, just call me. I'll be there." Angel let the corners of his mouth lift slightly as she fingered the small device.
"I don't have your phone number," she told him, glancing up from where she palmed the small phone. Her expression remained passive, but somewhere in the very back of her eyes shone a small light of comfort at the thought of being connected to him.
"Oh!" He stepped forward, crowding into her space as he grasped her hand just hard enough to keep her from jerking away. "You just have to press number one and then press talk." He pointed at the small buttons as he spoke, a proud smile gracing his features. "I programmed the number in myself."
Cordelia cocked a high eyebrow at him. "What? Do you want a medal for it?"
Cordelia felt a small shiver chase itself up her spine as he graced her with his grin.
"You were always trying to teach me to use those damned things. You should be proud I got that much figured out. Still don't have that stupid voice mail thing worked out yet, though."
Cordelia felt the smile once again wipe from her face as the awkward silence settled over them like a worn blanket, and suddenly she was aware of just how close he was. His hard chest was pressed against her arm, his hand griping her wrist, his cheek so close it was almost brushing hers.
She sucked in a nervous breath, the heady scent of him filling her nostrils, leaving her slightly light-headed and tingling from head to toe. She turned toward him as his free hand came up to lightly rest on her hip, the touch so soft that she thought for a moment that it was imagined.
His arm tightened momentarily around her waist, and his gaze dropped to her lips. Cordelia's eyes widened at the dark longing found in his expression, and she found herself mesmerized by the thought that it was directed at her. She moaned softly despite herself as his head dipped closer to hers, and time seemed to come to an unexpected halt.
The spell burst into the night air as he stepped back abruptly, leaving her oddly disappointed and hurt. "I should go."
"Yeah, but thanks for bringing me that stuff. Especially the clothes." She gestured down at the wrinkled clothes, and laughed stiffly at the small joke.
"Yeah." Angel walked to the door, but turned back to her at the last second. "I know that you don't remember who you are, and I know that you are so confused right now. But no matter what, you're still you. You're still Cordelia Chase." His voice and expression were soft and sincere, his chocolate eyes so warm that she felt the heat clear to her bones. "I can see it in your expressions, hear it in your voice, and see it in your actions. You're still you, and not even losing your memories can change that."
Cordelia felt tears prick her eyes as she watched him disappear down the hallway. She stood next to the door for long moments after he left, his words echoing in her ears.
*************************************
"Yum!" Cordelia spoke around a mouthful of pizza. She was sure that she liked this stuff a whole lot more than granola bars and fruit. "I could just eat and eat and eat."
Turning to glance over her shoulder, she saw Connor staring out the window into the night, his expression set like stone. Laying down her slice, she moved to stand beside him.
"What're you looking at?" she asked, wrapping herself tighter in the soft black sweater as the cool from the window washed over her. The window was dirty and difficult to see out of, not that there was much to see out in the empty street.
"I have always known that he watches me. And now he watches you too," Connor told her.
Cordelia followed his gaze out into the shadow filled streets. A shiver passed over her, and despite the fact that she couldn't see him, she could feel the weight of his gaze on her. Leaning closer to the window, she squinted, trying to make out his form through the darkness.
Connor pushed himself away from the window ledge and walked toward the bed and leftover pizza. "Come on. You should probably get a little bit more to eat."
Cordelia nodded absentmindedly, stepping closer to the dirty glass. Her eyes settled on the dark roof of an abandoned building about halfway down the road. That was where he was.
She closed her eyes briefly, and instead of seeing the barren fields of her memory, she focused on sweet, brown eyes and full, perfect lips curved into a loving grin.
And for just a moment, she felt safe.
Lifting a hand, she waved lightly into the darkness before turning and heading back towards her dinner.
She wished Connor hadn't left. She was terribly hungry for the food that he said he was going to get, but she just didn't want to be alone. Being alone meant drowning in these feelings. For just a few minutes, Cordelia wanted to forget that she had forgotten.
No home, no family, and no friends. When Connor left, she had nothing but the deep blank of a past that meant nothing to her.
At least when he was here, she had someone to talk to. Even if he didn't say much in return.
Cordelia sighed heavily as she shifted onto her back. She was going to go stir crazy if he didn't get back soon.
"Ahh!" There was large man standing in the shadows, watching her silently. She sprang from the bed, her legs tangling in the blankets, sending her crashing to the ground.
"Would it kill you to hum a little tune before slipping up on people?" she snapped, unwinding the blanket from her legs so that she could stand.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to." Angel trailed off, stepping out of the shadows and moving to help her up.
Shaking off the hand he placed on her elbow, Cordelia pushed herself onto her feet. Brushing her hair behind her ear, she regarded his small smile through narrowed eyes. "Is my falling funny to you somehow?"
Taking a quick step back, Angel shook his head, holding his hands up in surrender. "No, it's just. Well, you always used to say that to me. You. you wanted me to hum so that I wouldn't startle you."
"It obviously didn't take," she returned, turning to pace a few steps away from him.
"Actually, I think you just got used to it. eventually," Angel said softly. It took all the willpower he had not to follow her. No matter what he tried, no matter what he did, it seemed like the distance between them just kept growing.
"Right." Cordelia folded her arms defensively across her chest, and tried not to let the fear and the hope she felt show on her expression. As much as she didn't really trust him, she knew that this man held the key to knowing more about who she was and how to get her memories back. "So, what are you doing here?"
He was silent for a moment, staring at her with that open need on his face. It scared her so much to see him looking at her like that. She didn't know exactly what it was that wanted from her, and she was pretty sure that if she did know, she wouldn't be able to give it to him.
He retreated into the shadows he had emerged from, picked up a black duffel bag, and came to stand beside her.
"I brought you some clothes," he told her, dropping the bag to the bed. "I figured you would probably be ready for a change of clothes right about now."
Glancing down at the bag, Cordelia expression brightened into a wide smile. Her eyes shot up to lock with his, beaming at him as she unzipped the bag and lightly fingered the material that spilled out. His own expression melted into smile at the unexpected happiness on her face. He stepped forward, running his own fingers over the soft fabrics.
The guarded look fell back into place as she abruptly pulled away from bag, pulled away from him. "Ah, thank you."
"Yeah, it's no problem." Angel stepped back, the smile fading from his features as he slid his hands into his pockets in an effort to appear casual. "I also put some food in there. Just some basic stuff like granola bars and there's some cut up fruit. Thought you might be getting a little hungry, too."
"Granola bars and fruit?" Cordelia perched on the edge of the bed, zipping open a side pocket to find the snacks he had brought. "So, I like granola bars and fruit?"
Angel smiled softly, sinking down onto the bed, keeping the bag between them. "Yeah. Something about being healthy and tasty all at the same time."
"How very practical of me," she replied, a soft snort escaping her lips. Unwrapping one bar, she took a bite. The room dipped into an uncomfortable silence as she chewed piece by piece. The food was a welcome gift, but she probably shouldn't eat that much considering Connor had gone out to get her dinner.
"Well, thank you. Connor just went to go get us some food, but I was feeling kind of hungry," Cordelia told him, moving to stand up. She was grateful that he had brought her things, and she knew that she probably needed to talk to him, but there was just something about this vampire with a soul that completely unnerved her.
"Right!" Angel's voice came out hurried and a bit desperate, and his hand shot out to keep her from rising any further. "I also brought some of your personal things. You didn't have much time to go through them yesterday."
"Oh." Cordelia settled back down into the blankets, brushing her hair once again away from her eyes. She wondered if that was a new habit or if it was something that she had always done when she was nervous.
"Yeah." Angel opened up another side pocket of the bag, pulling out a small box, a few items wrapped in newspaper, and a small, worn paperback book. "There are some pictures. of us, and a few of your family, and a couple of your friends from high school."
Cordelia took the pictures he offered to her, glancing down at the faces she didn't recognize, couldn't recognize. Glancing back up at him, her eyebrows drew in confusion as he unwrapped three glass figurines.
"You used to collect glass figurines," he told her, holding up the delicate items. "You stopped because I kept playing with them when. well, we lived together for awhile because my place blew up. and. well I broke a few of your collection."
Cordelia smoothed over the fragile glass horse with a fingertip. The surface was clear and cool beneath her fingertips, but it was still meaningless to her. She wondered if it was the horse or the glass that she'd liked so much.
She glanced up as the big man beside her shifted slightly. Angel was now holding a tattered paperback book out toward her. Her fingers wrapped around the edges, the thin paper bending in her grip. Dropping the novel onto her lap, Cordelia gently fingered the simple title. "Emma?"
"Yeah," Angel answered her. "It was your favorite book. I'd never really been one for Jane Austen's lighter novels, but you made me read this." He paused for a moment, cocking his head and chuckling slightly at the memory. "You said that you could identify with the main character, and that I needed to read this to understand you better."
Cordelia frowned slightly at the gentle upward curve of his lips. He seemed intent on bringing up the past between them, and as much as she needed to know it, it just made her frustrated with him. "Did you like the book?"
Angel nodded, his lips widening to show a perfect set of teeth. It was the first time she had really seen him smile like that, and the simple sight of it made her want to smile for the very first time. "Of course I liked it."
"Really? Was it because I suggested it to you?" Cordelia asked, feeling her own lips stretch into a teasing grin.
"Well, that, and Mr. Knightly gets the girl in the end." He leaned over the bag toward her, his eyes mischievous. "They were best friends."
Cordelia's face froze, her whole body tightening as his words washed over her. The air around her seemed to thin, and she suddenly had trouble dragging the oxygen into her lungs. She stood quickly, stepping away from the bed to put a bit more distance between them.
"Look, Cord-"
"How did you get over here, anyway?" she interrupted him, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared down at him. "I didn't think vampires could go out during the day. Do vampires with souls not need to sleep in coffins or something?"
Angel stared up at her in silence, his expression blank. Standing from the bed, he spoke, the effort to keep his voice light obvious. "Vampires don't actually sleep in coffins, and I took the sewers over her. There's not a lot of sunlight in this place, so I thought that I would be okay."
"Vampires don't sleep in coffins?" she asked. "Are you sure?"
"Ah, yeah," he replied. Her eyebrow was cocked in that small teasing way of hers, and Angel felt the tension drain from his shoulders at the simple sight of that expression that could only be described as purely Cordy. "I'm pretty sure that vampires don't sleep in coffins."
"Oh."
The room dipped back into silence, and Cordelia found that it nearly every silence with this man had to be an awkward one. Her life must have been pretty frustrating then, because he didn't really seem like the type that talked a lot.
The thing about this silence, however, was that while it was awkward, it wasn't necessarily all about him. Sometime in the last twenty-four hours, she had almost gotten used to him staring at her with that little half smile and all that hope shining in his eyes. No, this awkwardness was because of her, because she couldn't give him what he wanted, and she found herself so desperately wanting to try.
Clearing his throat, Angel drew Cordelia's gaze back to him. "Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing."
"You saw me last night," she said, her voice soft despite the harshness she wanted behind the words. "Not much has really changed since then."
"Right." He stopped for a moment as she avoided his gaze, rocking back and forth on her heels. "I just thought that you might have come up with some more questions. you know, about you. and your life. You may not be staying at the hotel with me, but I meant what I said. I want to help you get those memories back."
Her eyes focused on his broad chest rather than seeing, yet again, that look of need and want in his eyes. "I know, and thank you." She knew this was the opportunity that she longed for all night, the chance to ask him more about her past, the chance to learn more about the little things in her life. But every question seemed to flee from her mind. As much as she wanted to know the truth, the truth about this man and from this man made her a little scared. "But I'm doing okay."
Angel's eyes dropped from her face to the floor, a short laugh escaping his lips. Looking back up at her, he nodded shortly and took a step away from her. "I understand."
"Thank you for the offer though," she said, and for the first time, she was the one taking a step toward him as he backed away.
"No problem. Whenever you're ready to talk."
Cordelia walked a few paces behind him as he headed toward the door. At the last moment, he turned around, reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small, black cell phone. "I also wanted to give you this."
"A cell phone?"
"Yeah. I know that you've decided to stay here. with Connor, but if anything ever happens. if you ever need me, just call me. I'll be there." Angel let the corners of his mouth lift slightly as she fingered the small device.
"I don't have your phone number," she told him, glancing up from where she palmed the small phone. Her expression remained passive, but somewhere in the very back of her eyes shone a small light of comfort at the thought of being connected to him.
"Oh!" He stepped forward, crowding into her space as he grasped her hand just hard enough to keep her from jerking away. "You just have to press number one and then press talk." He pointed at the small buttons as he spoke, a proud smile gracing his features. "I programmed the number in myself."
Cordelia cocked a high eyebrow at him. "What? Do you want a medal for it?"
Cordelia felt a small shiver chase itself up her spine as he graced her with his grin.
"You were always trying to teach me to use those damned things. You should be proud I got that much figured out. Still don't have that stupid voice mail thing worked out yet, though."
Cordelia felt the smile once again wipe from her face as the awkward silence settled over them like a worn blanket, and suddenly she was aware of just how close he was. His hard chest was pressed against her arm, his hand griping her wrist, his cheek so close it was almost brushing hers.
She sucked in a nervous breath, the heady scent of him filling her nostrils, leaving her slightly light-headed and tingling from head to toe. She turned toward him as his free hand came up to lightly rest on her hip, the touch so soft that she thought for a moment that it was imagined.
His arm tightened momentarily around her waist, and his gaze dropped to her lips. Cordelia's eyes widened at the dark longing found in his expression, and she found herself mesmerized by the thought that it was directed at her. She moaned softly despite herself as his head dipped closer to hers, and time seemed to come to an unexpected halt.
The spell burst into the night air as he stepped back abruptly, leaving her oddly disappointed and hurt. "I should go."
"Yeah, but thanks for bringing me that stuff. Especially the clothes." She gestured down at the wrinkled clothes, and laughed stiffly at the small joke.
"Yeah." Angel walked to the door, but turned back to her at the last second. "I know that you don't remember who you are, and I know that you are so confused right now. But no matter what, you're still you. You're still Cordelia Chase." His voice and expression were soft and sincere, his chocolate eyes so warm that she felt the heat clear to her bones. "I can see it in your expressions, hear it in your voice, and see it in your actions. You're still you, and not even losing your memories can change that."
Cordelia felt tears prick her eyes as she watched him disappear down the hallway. She stood next to the door for long moments after he left, his words echoing in her ears.
*************************************
"Yum!" Cordelia spoke around a mouthful of pizza. She was sure that she liked this stuff a whole lot more than granola bars and fruit. "I could just eat and eat and eat."
Turning to glance over her shoulder, she saw Connor staring out the window into the night, his expression set like stone. Laying down her slice, she moved to stand beside him.
"What're you looking at?" she asked, wrapping herself tighter in the soft black sweater as the cool from the window washed over her. The window was dirty and difficult to see out of, not that there was much to see out in the empty street.
"I have always known that he watches me. And now he watches you too," Connor told her.
Cordelia followed his gaze out into the shadow filled streets. A shiver passed over her, and despite the fact that she couldn't see him, she could feel the weight of his gaze on her. Leaning closer to the window, she squinted, trying to make out his form through the darkness.
Connor pushed himself away from the window ledge and walked toward the bed and leftover pizza. "Come on. You should probably get a little bit more to eat."
Cordelia nodded absentmindedly, stepping closer to the dirty glass. Her eyes settled on the dark roof of an abandoned building about halfway down the road. That was where he was.
She closed her eyes briefly, and instead of seeing the barren fields of her memory, she focused on sweet, brown eyes and full, perfect lips curved into a loving grin.
And for just a moment, she felt safe.
Lifting a hand, she waved lightly into the darkness before turning and heading back towards her dinner.