Disclaimer: I'm just a fifteen-year-old kid writing a bit of Harry Potter angst for fun. I have all of sixty-eight dollars, thirty of which is set aside to buy Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Other than that, I have a cd player that skips and a bunch of Beatles cds I knicked off my mum. Is that worth suing over? No. So, let's just say I don't claim any rights to this stuff and that's that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry slowed his pace as he reached the top of the tower, and went outside. He deeply inhaled the cool night air, pulling off the cloak. The night was still and dark. There was hardly any moonlight.
It's all ending now, Harry thought. I won't have to witness anymore of Voldemort's torturings and killings. I won't have to live with knowing I caused him to return, and that I caused Cedric and Colin to die. I caused the deaths of all those people. It's all my fault. Harry's eyes started to burn. He blinked, hard, then stopped trying to hold back the slowly coming tears.
He took a shaky breath. Am I being selfish?
No, he decided. The world wants me gone. I deserve it, causing all those people to die. Causing Voldemort to return. I let Wormtail go, and he's got my blood. And then I'm worrying everyone, and Ron and Hermione stay up half the night because I wake up. It's not fair! No one should do anything for me. After all I did to them....
Harry walked slowly to the edge of the tower, and looked down. Woah. This is *so* high up! *Far* higher than Ron's roof. Harry smiled slightly. And no one's here to stop me. He looked around again just to be sure. No, no one's here.
This will be good for everyone, Harry thought. I'll get to stop suffering and can see my parents again, and they'll... be rid of me. I don't deserve so much. But it's the best I can do.
Harry turned around and stood, so that his heels were right on the edge of the roof. He slowly closed his eyes, held out his arms, and leaned back....
It was slow motion, falling back off the roof. But soon he was falling... it was sweet, intense, painful, all in slow motion. Harry felt the air whipping past him, and against him. It was the most wonderful, painful feeling.
Should I die in such little pain? Harry managed to think. That's not really what I deserve. But too late now... and it stopped.
***meanwhile***
Ron and Hermione ran all the way to the tallest tower, and met no one on the way there. They had no idea what they would have said if they had been caught, but it would have been the truth.
They ran faster and harder than they had ever done in their lives. They never stopped or even slowed their pace, all the way to the tower, all the way up the stairs, despite the fact that they were completely out of breath and each had a stitch in their side. They just kept running and running, knowing they had to try and save the life of their best friend.
The reached the top of the tower and looked around frantically. They saw in the pale moonlight at the same time, for just an instant, one of Harry's hands falling from view.
They drew their wands and performed the spell at *exactly* the same moment, and held out their wands, focusing on the spell as they dashed to the edge of the tower roof, and looked down in horror at their rapidly falling friend.
Harry awoke three and a half days later in the hospital wing with a groan. His body ached all over. Harry's eyes moved slowly over the empty hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled into view.
"Oh, hello, dear, you're awake," she said soothingly.
Why the *hell* am I awake, Harry thought, rather angrily. I know how far I fell. No one was there to stop me, either. What happened?!?
Ron and Hermione came back to visit him once classes were over.
"You're awake!" Hermione exclaimed, seeing him, running over. She handed him his glasses.
"Yeah," Harry replied. "Thanks," he said, taking his glasses and putting them on.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
"Terrible."
"Well... you'll get better soon." Ron wasn't saying anything, just sitting next to Hermione with his arms crossed. He looked rather angry.
"What's up, Ron?" Harry asked, wanting to know what his friend was upset over.
"What's up? You just tried to *kill* yourself again, that's what's up!" Ron hissed.
"Ron--," Hermione began quietly.
"What?" She looked at him intently, and he turned away again.
"I'm sorry, Harry,--" Hermione said to Harry quietly.
"What do you have to be sorry about?" Ron asked her. "Are you apologizing for *me?* I have a right to be angry at him!"
"Honestly, Ron, it's just not a good time--"
"I can talk to him whenever I want to!" he said defensively, still keeping his voice down.
"Yeah, Hermione, it's okay," Harry said.
"Don't be angry, Ron," Hermione advised him quietly.
"I can be angry if I want to! He keeps trying to *kill* himself, for heaven's sake! Honestly, Harry, you don't even care, do you?" Harry said nothing. Care about what?
"Harry, you scared us *so much,*" Hermione said gently. Harry didn't really know what to say.
"I didn't mean to," he said feebly.
"You didn't mean to?! Dammit, Harry, you jumped off the roof! What the hell's the matter with you?!"
Harry just stared at his friend as Madam Pomfrey rushed over and shooed Ron and Hermione out, saying Harry needed his rest.
Harry sat in the common room with Hermione and Ron a few days later.
"How'd I live?" Harry asked them suddenly. The question had been troubling him for days. Ron stiffened.
"Well... er..." Hermione began. "Ron noticed you weren't here, and so we got the map to see where you were." Ron turned a faint shade of pink, still ashamed at going through his friend's belongings. "And then we saw where you were and went after you. And we got there right after you jumped, and so Ron and I both did the spell Dumbledore did to save you at The Burrow. Dumbledore taught us it when we went to his office the other day, in case you tried it again." Harry felt himself become angry.
"*You* did it!" Harry was lost for words, so he just looked at his friends in disgust for a few moments before running back upstairs to his dormitory, where he half lay on his bed. I was *so close,* and then they have to come and ruin everything for me!
"Harry," Ron asked, coming into the room. Harry swung his legs onto his bed and closed the hangings roughly. Why do they do this to me? Why don't they just let me kill myself in peace?
"Harry," Ron said again, opening the hangings on Harry's bed and standing over him. Harry glared up at him with his fierce green eyes.
"Harry, don't be mad at us," he said. Harry made to close the hangings again, but Ron stopped him. "You've got to stop this."
"Stop what?" he asked.
"*This,* Harry! Trying to kill yourself all the time! All of it! It's crazy for you to be mad at me and Hermione because we didn't let you kill yourself! Do you know how stupid that is?"
"It's *not* stupid, and I have a right to be angry with you! You said so yourself, Ron!"
"Did not!"
"Yes you did! Just the other day, in the hospital wing!" Harry closed the hangings again. Ron, out of words and angry, went back down to the common room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry slowed his pace as he reached the top of the tower, and went outside. He deeply inhaled the cool night air, pulling off the cloak. The night was still and dark. There was hardly any moonlight.
It's all ending now, Harry thought. I won't have to witness anymore of Voldemort's torturings and killings. I won't have to live with knowing I caused him to return, and that I caused Cedric and Colin to die. I caused the deaths of all those people. It's all my fault. Harry's eyes started to burn. He blinked, hard, then stopped trying to hold back the slowly coming tears.
He took a shaky breath. Am I being selfish?
No, he decided. The world wants me gone. I deserve it, causing all those people to die. Causing Voldemort to return. I let Wormtail go, and he's got my blood. And then I'm worrying everyone, and Ron and Hermione stay up half the night because I wake up. It's not fair! No one should do anything for me. After all I did to them....
Harry walked slowly to the edge of the tower, and looked down. Woah. This is *so* high up! *Far* higher than Ron's roof. Harry smiled slightly. And no one's here to stop me. He looked around again just to be sure. No, no one's here.
This will be good for everyone, Harry thought. I'll get to stop suffering and can see my parents again, and they'll... be rid of me. I don't deserve so much. But it's the best I can do.
Harry turned around and stood, so that his heels were right on the edge of the roof. He slowly closed his eyes, held out his arms, and leaned back....
It was slow motion, falling back off the roof. But soon he was falling... it was sweet, intense, painful, all in slow motion. Harry felt the air whipping past him, and against him. It was the most wonderful, painful feeling.
Should I die in such little pain? Harry managed to think. That's not really what I deserve. But too late now... and it stopped.
***meanwhile***
Ron and Hermione ran all the way to the tallest tower, and met no one on the way there. They had no idea what they would have said if they had been caught, but it would have been the truth.
They ran faster and harder than they had ever done in their lives. They never stopped or even slowed their pace, all the way to the tower, all the way up the stairs, despite the fact that they were completely out of breath and each had a stitch in their side. They just kept running and running, knowing they had to try and save the life of their best friend.
The reached the top of the tower and looked around frantically. They saw in the pale moonlight at the same time, for just an instant, one of Harry's hands falling from view.
They drew their wands and performed the spell at *exactly* the same moment, and held out their wands, focusing on the spell as they dashed to the edge of the tower roof, and looked down in horror at their rapidly falling friend.
Harry awoke three and a half days later in the hospital wing with a groan. His body ached all over. Harry's eyes moved slowly over the empty hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey bustled into view.
"Oh, hello, dear, you're awake," she said soothingly.
Why the *hell* am I awake, Harry thought, rather angrily. I know how far I fell. No one was there to stop me, either. What happened?!?
Ron and Hermione came back to visit him once classes were over.
"You're awake!" Hermione exclaimed, seeing him, running over. She handed him his glasses.
"Yeah," Harry replied. "Thanks," he said, taking his glasses and putting them on.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
"Terrible."
"Well... you'll get better soon." Ron wasn't saying anything, just sitting next to Hermione with his arms crossed. He looked rather angry.
"What's up, Ron?" Harry asked, wanting to know what his friend was upset over.
"What's up? You just tried to *kill* yourself again, that's what's up!" Ron hissed.
"Ron--," Hermione began quietly.
"What?" She looked at him intently, and he turned away again.
"I'm sorry, Harry,--" Hermione said to Harry quietly.
"What do you have to be sorry about?" Ron asked her. "Are you apologizing for *me?* I have a right to be angry at him!"
"Honestly, Ron, it's just not a good time--"
"I can talk to him whenever I want to!" he said defensively, still keeping his voice down.
"Yeah, Hermione, it's okay," Harry said.
"Don't be angry, Ron," Hermione advised him quietly.
"I can be angry if I want to! He keeps trying to *kill* himself, for heaven's sake! Honestly, Harry, you don't even care, do you?" Harry said nothing. Care about what?
"Harry, you scared us *so much,*" Hermione said gently. Harry didn't really know what to say.
"I didn't mean to," he said feebly.
"You didn't mean to?! Dammit, Harry, you jumped off the roof! What the hell's the matter with you?!"
Harry just stared at his friend as Madam Pomfrey rushed over and shooed Ron and Hermione out, saying Harry needed his rest.
Harry sat in the common room with Hermione and Ron a few days later.
"How'd I live?" Harry asked them suddenly. The question had been troubling him for days. Ron stiffened.
"Well... er..." Hermione began. "Ron noticed you weren't here, and so we got the map to see where you were." Ron turned a faint shade of pink, still ashamed at going through his friend's belongings. "And then we saw where you were and went after you. And we got there right after you jumped, and so Ron and I both did the spell Dumbledore did to save you at The Burrow. Dumbledore taught us it when we went to his office the other day, in case you tried it again." Harry felt himself become angry.
"*You* did it!" Harry was lost for words, so he just looked at his friends in disgust for a few moments before running back upstairs to his dormitory, where he half lay on his bed. I was *so close,* and then they have to come and ruin everything for me!
"Harry," Ron asked, coming into the room. Harry swung his legs onto his bed and closed the hangings roughly. Why do they do this to me? Why don't they just let me kill myself in peace?
"Harry," Ron said again, opening the hangings on Harry's bed and standing over him. Harry glared up at him with his fierce green eyes.
"Harry, don't be mad at us," he said. Harry made to close the hangings again, but Ron stopped him. "You've got to stop this."
"Stop what?" he asked.
"*This,* Harry! Trying to kill yourself all the time! All of it! It's crazy for you to be mad at me and Hermione because we didn't let you kill yourself! Do you know how stupid that is?"
"It's *not* stupid, and I have a right to be angry with you! You said so yourself, Ron!"
"Did not!"
"Yes you did! Just the other day, in the hospital wing!" Harry closed the hangings again. Ron, out of words and angry, went back down to the common room.