I don't own squat, except my sanity which, I think is about to be repossessed, so quit asking!
Coconuts and the Fruitless Search
[Scene: A thick fog is seen. Through it, hoof beats are heard and a purple pony and bushwoolie appear at the crest of the hill. The pony trots on its hind legs as though riding a horse and the bushwoolie carries a large pack while banging coconuts together.]
Pony: Whoa there!
[The pair stops for a moment then continues down the hill toward a castle wall. A voice is heard from the battlements.]
Voice: Halt! Who goes there?
Pony: It is I, Majesty, daughter of Majestica Shieldbearer, from Dream Castle, Queen of the Ponies, defeater of baddies, Sovereign of all Ponyland!
Voice: Pull the other one!
Majesty: I am![looks to the bushwoolie] And this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Dream Castle. I must speak with your lord and master.
Voice: What, ridden on a horse?
Majesty: Yes.
Voice: You're using coconuts!
Majesty: What?
Voice: You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!
[Majesty and Patsy look at each other]
Majesty: So? We've ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through Flutter Valley, through-"
Voice: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Majesty: We found them.
Voice: In Flutter Valley? The coconuts tropical!
Majesty: What do you mean?
Voice: Why, this is a temperate zone.
Majesty: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the bunny or the chipmunk may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Voice: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Majesty: Not at all, they could be carried.
Voice: What, a swallow carrying a coconut?
Majesty: It could grip it by the husk.
Voice: It's not a question of where it grips it, it's a simple question of weight ratios
[Patsy shrugs when Majesty looks at him]
A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut.
Majesty: [Getting annoyed] Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your lord and master that Majesty from the court of Dream Castle is here?
Voice: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second; am I right?
Majesty: Please?!
Voice: Am I right?
Majesty: I'm not interested.
Voice 2: It could be carried by an African swallow.
Voice 1: Oh, yeah. An African swallow maybe, but not a Ponyland swallow, that's my point.
Majesty: [Really angry] Ask your lord and master if he wants to join my court at Dream Castle!!
Voice 1: But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
Voice 2: Oh, yeah
Voice 1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[Majesty and Patsy give up and leave, the pointless conversation continues.]
Voice 2: Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?
Voice 1: No, they'd have to carry it on a line.
Voice 2: No, it's simple. They'd just use a strand of creeper.
Voice 1: What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Voice 2: Well, why not?
[Scene: A muddy, dirty, smoozey village. Ponies roll in squalor on the ground. A boy walks beside a cart piled with filthy pony corpses. Every now and then the bangs a pot with a club.]
Danny: Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang]
[The cart-pushers and Danny stop at a house. A pony walks out with a body.]
Danny: Nine bronze horseshoes. [Pony tosses body on cart and pays Danny.]
Danny: Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang]
[Stops at a miserable hovel, a nearby old mare is hitting a dirty-looking dragon against the wall. Gusty comes out carrying Fizzy on her back.]
Gusty: [Sounding like Bart Simpson.] Here's one.
Danny: Nine bronze horseshoes.
Fizzy: [Squealing] I'm not dead!
Danny: What?
Gusty: Nothing, here's your nine bronze horseshoes.
Fizzy: I'm not dead!
Danny: She says she's not dead.
Gusty: Yes, she is.
Fizzy: I'm not!
Danny: She is not.
Gusty: She will be soon; she's very ill-
Fizzy: I'm getting better!
Gusty: No you're not! You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Danny: I can't take er like that; it's against regulations.
Fizzy: I don't want to go on the cart!
Gusty: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Danny: I can't take er.
Fizzy: I feel fine.
Gusty: Look, do us a favor and get rid of this chatterbox?
Danny: I can't!
Gusty: Look, can you hang around a couple of minutes; she won't be long.
Danny: No, I've gotta go to the Party Surprise family; they've lost nine today.
Gusty: Well, when's your next round?
Danny: Thursday.
Fizzy: I think I want to go play jump rope!
Gusty: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Fizzy: I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel-[Danny hits Fizzy with his club.]
Gusty: Whew, thanks very much!
Danny: Not at all. See ya Thursday.
Gusty: Right, all right.
[Majesty and Patsy go by. Danny and Gusty look after them.]
Gusty: Who's that then?
Danny: I don't know; must be a queen.
Gusty: Why?
Danny: She doesn't got smooze all over er.
[Scene: Majesty and Patsy are riding through the countryside where peasants are at work with crude tools. A pony is pulling a cart in front of them.]
Majesty: Old mare![The pair are riding behind but now they draw level.]
Pony: Stallion!
Majesty: Stallion, sorry! What knight lives in that castle?
Pony: I'm thirty seven.
Majesty: What?
Pony: I'm thirty seven; I'm not old!
Majesty: Well, I can't just call you stallion!
Pony: Well, you could say Apple Jack!
Majesty: I didn't know you were called Apple Jack.
Apple Jack: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Majesty: I did say sorry about the old mare thing, but from behind you looked-
Apple Jack: I object to the fact that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Majesty: Well I am Queen.
Apple Jack: [Stops hauling the cart and shakes his hoof at Majesty] Ah, queen eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers, by holding onto outdated imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's every going to be any progress-[A strange mare covered in a dirty cloak scrambles down a hill nearby and exclaims]
Mare: Oh, look Apple Jack! There's some lovely smooze down here! Oh, how'd you do?[Apple Jack and the mare start piling smooze into a pile]
Majesty: How do you do good mare? I am Majesty, Queen of the Ponies.
Mare: Queen of the who?
Majesty: Queen of the Ponies.
Mare: Who are the Ponies?
Majesty: Well, we all are. We are all Ponies and I am your queen.
Mare: I didn't know we had a queen; I thought we lived in a autonomous collective.
Apple Jack: You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class-
Mare: Oh, there you go, bringing class into in again!
Apple Jack: That's what it's all about! If ponies would only share-
Majesty: Please! Please, good ponies! I am in haste! Who lives in that castle?
Mare: No one lives there.
Majesty: Well, who is your lord?
Mare: We don't have a lord.
Majesty: What?
Apple Jack: I told you, we are an anarcho-syndacalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week-
Majesty: [Getting impatient] Yes-
Apple Jack: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at the special biweekly meeting-
Majesty: Yes, I see-
Apple Jack: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs-
Majesty: Be quiet!
Apple Jack: But by two thirds majority in the case of-
Majesty: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Mare: Order! Who does she think she is?
Majesty: I am your queen.
Mare: Well I didn't vote for you.
Majesty: You don't vote for queen.
Mare: Well, how'd you become queen then?
Majesty: Megan of the Mortal World, her arm clad in girlish pink cotton, stretched forth the Rainbow of light from the portal between the worlds, signifying by divine providence that I, Majesty was to carry the Rainbow of Light. That is why I'm your queen!
Apple Jack: Listen, strange girls crossing dimensions distributing jewelry is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical cute ceremony!
Majesty: Be quiet!
Apple Jack: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some mortal brat threw a locket at you!
Majesty: Shut up!
Apple Jack: I mean, if I went around, sayin I was an emperor because some psycho child lopped
a necklace at me, they'd put me away!
Majesty: [Crosses the low stone wall and starts shaking Apple Jack] Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Apple Jack: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Majesty: [Still shaking him] Shut up1
Apple Jack: Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
Majesty: [Lets go and storms away] Bloody peasant!
Apple Jack: Oh, that's a dead give away! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, ay? That's what I'm on about! Did you see it? Did you see er repressing me?
[Scene: A forest. The camera switches between Majesty riding and two armored knights fighting in a nearby clearing. Majesty and Patsy watch and as the black pony throw a sword through the green pony's helmet, the pair approach the black knight]
Majesty: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
[The black pony does not answer. Patsy shrugs and Majesty clears her throat]
Majesty: I am Majesty, Queen of the Ponies!
[Still no answer]
Majesty: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Dream Castle.
[STILL no answer]
Majesty: You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[You know the drill.]
Majesty: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!
Black Pony: None shall pass!
Majesty: What?
Black Pony: None shall pass!
Majesty: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge-
Black Pony: Then, you will die!
Majesty: I command you, as Queen of the Ponies to stand aside1
Black Pony: I move, for no man.
Majesty: Well, you should move for me then because I'm female and a horse.
Black Pony: Well then I move for no animal.
Majesty: Animal! How dare you!
[The two fight and Majesty cuts off one of the Black Pony's forelegs]
Majesty: Now, stand aside worthy adversary!
Black Pony: 'Tis but a scratch.
Majesty: A scratch? Your foreleg is gone!
Black Pony: No it isn't.
Majesty: Well, what's that then?
Black Pony: I've had worse.
Majesty: You lie!
Black Pony: Come on, ya pansy!
[The two fight again and when the Black Pony charges Majesty she cuts his other foreleg off]
Majesty: Victory is mine! [Bends down in prayer] We thank thee oh Floom that in thy mercy-
[Majesty is interrupted by a kick in the head. She lies sprawled on the ground while the Black Pony prances around her.]
Black Pony: Ha! Come on then!
Majesty: What?
Black Pony: Have at you!
Majesty: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Pony: Oh! Had enough ay?
Majesty: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no forelegs left!
Black Pony: Yes I have.
Majesty: Look.
Black Pony: It's just a flesh wound.[Starts kicking Majesty with his hind legs.]
Majesty: Look, stop that!
Black Pony: Chicken, chicken!
Majesty: I'll have your leg! [Gets kicked again.] Right! [Cuts off his hind leg.]
Black Pony: [Now hopping around on one leg.] Right, I'll do you for that!
Majesty: You'll what?
Black Pony: Come here!
Majesty: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Pony: I'm invincible!
Majesty: Your a loony! [She tosses her hair.]
Black Pony: The Black Pony always triumphs! Have at you!
[Majesty rolls her eyes and cuts off the last leg. The black pony is now lying on its side with no limbs.]
Black Pony: All right, we'll call it a draw.
Majesty: Come Patsy! [The two ride off over the bridge. The Black Pony writhes on the ground.]
Black Pony: Oh I see! Runnin away ay? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's comin to ya! I'll bite your legs off!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you think? I need some help with some future characters, so if you would r/r I could get some spots filled in. I need a "witch" and three peasants for the trial scene and Lancelot, Gallahad, Robin, and Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film. I was thinking Wind Whistler for Bedevere. Any help is greatly appreciated.
Jinjur
Coconuts and the Fruitless Search
[Scene: A thick fog is seen. Through it, hoof beats are heard and a purple pony and bushwoolie appear at the crest of the hill. The pony trots on its hind legs as though riding a horse and the bushwoolie carries a large pack while banging coconuts together.]
Pony: Whoa there!
[The pair stops for a moment then continues down the hill toward a castle wall. A voice is heard from the battlements.]
Voice: Halt! Who goes there?
Pony: It is I, Majesty, daughter of Majestica Shieldbearer, from Dream Castle, Queen of the Ponies, defeater of baddies, Sovereign of all Ponyland!
Voice: Pull the other one!
Majesty: I am![looks to the bushwoolie] And this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Dream Castle. I must speak with your lord and master.
Voice: What, ridden on a horse?
Majesty: Yes.
Voice: You're using coconuts!
Majesty: What?
Voice: You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging 'em together!
[Majesty and Patsy look at each other]
Majesty: So? We've ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through Flutter Valley, through-"
Voice: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Majesty: We found them.
Voice: In Flutter Valley? The coconuts tropical!
Majesty: What do you mean?
Voice: Why, this is a temperate zone.
Majesty: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the bunny or the chipmunk may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Voice: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Majesty: Not at all, they could be carried.
Voice: What, a swallow carrying a coconut?
Majesty: It could grip it by the husk.
Voice: It's not a question of where it grips it, it's a simple question of weight ratios
[Patsy shrugs when Majesty looks at him]
A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut.
Majesty: [Getting annoyed] Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your lord and master that Majesty from the court of Dream Castle is here?
Voice: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second; am I right?
Majesty: Please?!
Voice: Am I right?
Majesty: I'm not interested.
Voice 2: It could be carried by an African swallow.
Voice 1: Oh, yeah. An African swallow maybe, but not a Ponyland swallow, that's my point.
Majesty: [Really angry] Ask your lord and master if he wants to join my court at Dream Castle!!
Voice 1: But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
Voice 2: Oh, yeah
Voice 1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[Majesty and Patsy give up and leave, the pointless conversation continues.]
Voice 2: Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried it together?
Voice 1: No, they'd have to carry it on a line.
Voice 2: No, it's simple. They'd just use a strand of creeper.
Voice 1: What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Voice 2: Well, why not?
[Scene: A muddy, dirty, smoozey village. Ponies roll in squalor on the ground. A boy walks beside a cart piled with filthy pony corpses. Every now and then the bangs a pot with a club.]
Danny: Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang]
[The cart-pushers and Danny stop at a house. A pony walks out with a body.]
Danny: Nine bronze horseshoes. [Pony tosses body on cart and pays Danny.]
Danny: Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang] Bring out yer dead! [Bang]
[Stops at a miserable hovel, a nearby old mare is hitting a dirty-looking dragon against the wall. Gusty comes out carrying Fizzy on her back.]
Gusty: [Sounding like Bart Simpson.] Here's one.
Danny: Nine bronze horseshoes.
Fizzy: [Squealing] I'm not dead!
Danny: What?
Gusty: Nothing, here's your nine bronze horseshoes.
Fizzy: I'm not dead!
Danny: She says she's not dead.
Gusty: Yes, she is.
Fizzy: I'm not!
Danny: She is not.
Gusty: She will be soon; she's very ill-
Fizzy: I'm getting better!
Gusty: No you're not! You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Danny: I can't take er like that; it's against regulations.
Fizzy: I don't want to go on the cart!
Gusty: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Danny: I can't take er.
Fizzy: I feel fine.
Gusty: Look, do us a favor and get rid of this chatterbox?
Danny: I can't!
Gusty: Look, can you hang around a couple of minutes; she won't be long.
Danny: No, I've gotta go to the Party Surprise family; they've lost nine today.
Gusty: Well, when's your next round?
Danny: Thursday.
Fizzy: I think I want to go play jump rope!
Gusty: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Fizzy: I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel-[Danny hits Fizzy with his club.]
Gusty: Whew, thanks very much!
Danny: Not at all. See ya Thursday.
Gusty: Right, all right.
[Majesty and Patsy go by. Danny and Gusty look after them.]
Gusty: Who's that then?
Danny: I don't know; must be a queen.
Gusty: Why?
Danny: She doesn't got smooze all over er.
[Scene: Majesty and Patsy are riding through the countryside where peasants are at work with crude tools. A pony is pulling a cart in front of them.]
Majesty: Old mare![The pair are riding behind but now they draw level.]
Pony: Stallion!
Majesty: Stallion, sorry! What knight lives in that castle?
Pony: I'm thirty seven.
Majesty: What?
Pony: I'm thirty seven; I'm not old!
Majesty: Well, I can't just call you stallion!
Pony: Well, you could say Apple Jack!
Majesty: I didn't know you were called Apple Jack.
Apple Jack: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Majesty: I did say sorry about the old mare thing, but from behind you looked-
Apple Jack: I object to the fact that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Majesty: Well I am Queen.
Apple Jack: [Stops hauling the cart and shakes his hoof at Majesty] Ah, queen eh? Very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers, by holding onto outdated imperialist dogma that perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's every going to be any progress-[A strange mare covered in a dirty cloak scrambles down a hill nearby and exclaims]
Mare: Oh, look Apple Jack! There's some lovely smooze down here! Oh, how'd you do?[Apple Jack and the mare start piling smooze into a pile]
Majesty: How do you do good mare? I am Majesty, Queen of the Ponies.
Mare: Queen of the who?
Majesty: Queen of the Ponies.
Mare: Who are the Ponies?
Majesty: Well, we all are. We are all Ponies and I am your queen.
Mare: I didn't know we had a queen; I thought we lived in a autonomous collective.
Apple Jack: You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class-
Mare: Oh, there you go, bringing class into in again!
Apple Jack: That's what it's all about! If ponies would only share-
Majesty: Please! Please, good ponies! I am in haste! Who lives in that castle?
Mare: No one lives there.
Majesty: Well, who is your lord?
Mare: We don't have a lord.
Majesty: What?
Apple Jack: I told you, we are an anarcho-syndacalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week-
Majesty: [Getting impatient] Yes-
Apple Jack: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at the special biweekly meeting-
Majesty: Yes, I see-
Apple Jack: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs-
Majesty: Be quiet!
Apple Jack: But by two thirds majority in the case of-
Majesty: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Mare: Order! Who does she think she is?
Majesty: I am your queen.
Mare: Well I didn't vote for you.
Majesty: You don't vote for queen.
Mare: Well, how'd you become queen then?
Majesty: Megan of the Mortal World, her arm clad in girlish pink cotton, stretched forth the Rainbow of light from the portal between the worlds, signifying by divine providence that I, Majesty was to carry the Rainbow of Light. That is why I'm your queen!
Apple Jack: Listen, strange girls crossing dimensions distributing jewelry is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses not from some farcical cute ceremony!
Majesty: Be quiet!
Apple Jack: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some mortal brat threw a locket at you!
Majesty: Shut up!
Apple Jack: I mean, if I went around, sayin I was an emperor because some psycho child lopped
a necklace at me, they'd put me away!
Majesty: [Crosses the low stone wall and starts shaking Apple Jack] Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Apple Jack: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Majesty: [Still shaking him] Shut up1
Apple Jack: Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
Majesty: [Lets go and storms away] Bloody peasant!
Apple Jack: Oh, that's a dead give away! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, ay? That's what I'm on about! Did you see it? Did you see er repressing me?
[Scene: A forest. The camera switches between Majesty riding and two armored knights fighting in a nearby clearing. Majesty and Patsy watch and as the black pony throw a sword through the green pony's helmet, the pair approach the black knight]
Majesty: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
[The black pony does not answer. Patsy shrugs and Majesty clears her throat]
Majesty: I am Majesty, Queen of the Ponies!
[Still no answer]
Majesty: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Dream Castle.
[STILL no answer]
Majesty: You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[You know the drill.]
Majesty: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!
Black Pony: None shall pass!
Majesty: What?
Black Pony: None shall pass!
Majesty: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge-
Black Pony: Then, you will die!
Majesty: I command you, as Queen of the Ponies to stand aside1
Black Pony: I move, for no man.
Majesty: Well, you should move for me then because I'm female and a horse.
Black Pony: Well then I move for no animal.
Majesty: Animal! How dare you!
[The two fight and Majesty cuts off one of the Black Pony's forelegs]
Majesty: Now, stand aside worthy adversary!
Black Pony: 'Tis but a scratch.
Majesty: A scratch? Your foreleg is gone!
Black Pony: No it isn't.
Majesty: Well, what's that then?
Black Pony: I've had worse.
Majesty: You lie!
Black Pony: Come on, ya pansy!
[The two fight again and when the Black Pony charges Majesty she cuts his other foreleg off]
Majesty: Victory is mine! [Bends down in prayer] We thank thee oh Floom that in thy mercy-
[Majesty is interrupted by a kick in the head. She lies sprawled on the ground while the Black Pony prances around her.]
Black Pony: Ha! Come on then!
Majesty: What?
Black Pony: Have at you!
Majesty: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Pony: Oh! Had enough ay?
Majesty: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no forelegs left!
Black Pony: Yes I have.
Majesty: Look.
Black Pony: It's just a flesh wound.[Starts kicking Majesty with his hind legs.]
Majesty: Look, stop that!
Black Pony: Chicken, chicken!
Majesty: I'll have your leg! [Gets kicked again.] Right! [Cuts off his hind leg.]
Black Pony: [Now hopping around on one leg.] Right, I'll do you for that!
Majesty: You'll what?
Black Pony: Come here!
Majesty: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Black Pony: I'm invincible!
Majesty: Your a loony! [She tosses her hair.]
Black Pony: The Black Pony always triumphs! Have at you!
[Majesty rolls her eyes and cuts off the last leg. The black pony is now lying on its side with no limbs.]
Black Pony: All right, we'll call it a draw.
Majesty: Come Patsy! [The two ride off over the bridge. The Black Pony writhes on the ground.]
Black Pony: Oh I see! Runnin away ay? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's comin to ya! I'll bite your legs off!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you think? I need some help with some future characters, so if you would r/r I could get some spots filled in. I need a "witch" and three peasants for the trial scene and Lancelot, Gallahad, Robin, and Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film. I was thinking Wind Whistler for Bedevere. Any help is greatly appreciated.
Jinjur