Hanson and Gretchen
A mockumentry
Scene 1 opens to a tire rolling across the stage, and the Oompa Loompa song being played as Zack, Taylor, and Isaac walk onto the stage followed by Gretchen. Creepy Camerawoman is on the side of the stage, talking into her cell phone and looking into her camera.
Zack: Man, my feet hurt. Taylor: Dude, this place reeks! Gretchen: Stop whining!
Isaac: Hey-
Everyone: (turn to Isaac) SHUT UP! Gretchen: Now, I didn't know that the Oompa Loompa would fly that far and leave that much road kill behind, or else I would have swerved the bus out of the way. Lord knows it took us long enough to make Isaac stop crying. Zack: Dude! Our bus is trashed, we're in the middle of these woods, and my feet really hurt! Taylor: Yeah! That was our last bus! Gretchen: Oh, that was your last bus? Who told you that?
Zack: The execs at the company. Taylor: Yes, since we trashed all of our other ones, they said that this was our last one. Gretchen: Don't believe them. I've gone through seventy-three buses since the late 80's, and they've given me bus after bus. Zack: But they were serious about- Gretchen: AND THIS IS WHY THEY ASSINGED ME TO YOU THREE! They want to remake you guys, and they put me, Gretchen Van Strudel, uber Rock Star, to remake you guys. Now listen, I've gone through many buses since I first started. I've blown em up, dismantled em, rode them through houses, and I've been taken hostage with my group in three countries that I'd have to rip my tongue out to say! And have I let it get me down? (Isaac raises his hand like in school) Gretchen: Isaac?
Isaac: What about the time you checked yourself into that mental hospital citing 'Too many tour dates and the hectic off life you had' as a reason? (Gretchen gives Isaac the evil eye) Gretchen: Isaac, do me a favor. Isaac: Yeah?
Gretchen: Shut up. (Isaac walks over to the edge of the stage and looks down) Isaac: Hey, there's something down- Gretchen: Good! Go down there and see what it is than! (Gretchen shoves Isaac off the stage) Zack and Isaac: Dude! Gretchen: Hey, it's about time someone did it. And I know you guys didn't like him too much either. Zack and Isaac: But- Gretchen: Enough talking, we have to get through these woods and back onto the main highway again. Up. (The two remaining Hanson boys get up and start to walk, grumbling under their breath) (Zack starts to hum 'MMMMBop' under his breath)
End Scene 1
Scene two opens as Zack, Gretchen, and Taylor walk onto the stage, flat out singing 'MMMMBop', including Gretchen. The Camerawoman has mysteriously disappeared.
(Gretchen shakes his head and looks at the other two)
Gretchen: HEY! (Zack and Taylor turn around real fast and look startled) Gretchen: Stop singing that crap! That's why I'm here! Zack: (Eyes Gretchen) How are we supposed to sound if we can't sound like we used to?
Taylor: Yeah? Gretchen: (sighs and shrugs, looking down at the ground) Hey! Is that money? (Zack and Taylor both look down and squeal with girlish glee)
Zack: Yeah! It looks like a Bennie! Gretchen: Bennie? What in the name of god is a Bennie?
Taylor: Ya know, a Benjamin? A hundred dollars? Gretchen: Bennie.no. It's a hundred dollar bill. Zack: Hey, there are more of them! Taylor: Yeah! And they make a trail! Let's follow it! (Zack and Taylor start up into the first verse of MMMMBop)
Gretchen: SHUT UP!
End scene 2
Scene three opens up as the group finds the end of the path of money and looks up to find a house.
Taylor: Hey, maybe this place has food!
Zack: and a phone! Taylor: And a bathtub!
Zack: And fuzzy bunny slippers! Gretchen: And some aspirin. (Zack and Taylor open the door and run into the house, making as much noise as they can) Gretchen: Hello? Anyone here? (No answer, but the Witch comes up from behind the group)
Witch: (quietly) Not now, but soon! (Gretchen and the boys walk into the house, and he Witch waits until they are all the way into the house before she goes in and closes the door without them noticing)
End scene 3
Scene four opens with Zack, Taylor, and Gretchen grubbing out in the Witch's fridge. Old Chinese cartons reign over much of the table space.
Taylor: (loud burp) Yum. Tastes like Chinese. Zack: Dude, that's gross. Gretchen: (gets all paranoid) You guys hear that?
(Zack and Taylor look around)
Zack: N-N-N-N-No. Taylor: Nope. Gretchen: Good, cause I didn't hear anything either. (Zack and Taylor sigh and glare at Gretchen) Gretchen: You guys know where the john is? (Blank stares and shrugs) Gretchen: Ah, I'll figure it out.
End scene four Scene five opens with the boys still sitting at the table. Much time has passed, and the boys are starting to get a little paranoid.
Zack: Taylor, go and see if Gretchen ever found the bathroom! Taylor: Dude, no! Zack: Dude, yes! Taylor: Dude, I don't want to! I don't know what's here in this house! Zack: Like I do? That's why I want you to go and find out so I can make sure there's nothing in here that's going to damage my precious face. Taylor: What?! You're using me as a scout? Man, I've seen this movie! The cutest kid always dies first! Zack: I know. That's why I'm sending you first. Taylor: Dude, are you saying that I'm the ugly one?
Zack: God no. That was Isaac. I'm sending you because the youngest kid never dies. See? Taylor: Dude.well.. okay. Zack: Cool, now walk in front of me so I can shield myself with your body incase something happens. Taylor: Dude!
End Scene six
Scene seven opens to the boys walking around a corner and seeing Gretchen standing in a corner face forward.
Taylor: Gretchen?
Zack: Hey, are you okay?
Taylor: Dude, didn't a movie end like this? (Gretchen's head turns around and looks at the boys, and he freaks) Gretchen: Huh? HEY! CAN'T A GUY GET A LITTLE PEACE! (Zack and Taylor both make a face and turn around) Zack: Dude, you used the bathroom in a corner?
Taylor: That's, like, unsanitary and stuff. (Gretchen sighs and turns around) Gretchen: Well, I had to go. You guys ready to head out for the night?
Taylor: Sure. Zack: Yeah.and stuff. (The guys walk off stage and act like they are going downstairs. When they get downstairs they see that there is a little stick man hanging from the ceiling)
Zack: Hey! What's that thing? Taylor: Firewood?
Gretchen: Nope, stick figure guy. Zack: What's it mean?
Witch: It means you're in my house and I'm going to get you!
(Zack and Taylor whimper in fear. Gretchen looks at the two)
Gretchen: Woo who. (Zack and Taylor freak out and start to run around screaming) (Gretchen rolls his eyes and walks up to the witch)
Gretchen: Ya going to stick em in an oven?
Witch: Why.come to think of it, I am! You too!
(Gretchen shrugs and walks away from the Witch, who is too flabbergasted by the whole incident to just stand there)
End scene 7
Scene eight opens as Creepy Camerawoman joins us again. Her camera is lost and she looks like she's been wandering the woods. Gretchen briskly walks into her as he's looking for the boys.
Camerawoman: Hey! Where'd you guys go? I got lost and stuff! Gretchen: Sorry, sorry. But I'm looking for the boys again, they ran away and they've gone hiding from the Witch. Camerawoman: Witch? What witch?
Gretchen: The Witch of the Woods. She lives in that house back there, and when the boys saw her, they ran away and freaked out. Where's you're camera at?
Camerawoman: I lost it in the woods after you guys left me! Gretchen: Well, you're supposed to keep track of things like that! What are people going to say when they don't get their daily dosages of Gretchen?! Camerawoman: I don't have to take this! I quit! Right here and now! Gretchen: Fine than! Quit! See if I care! You forgot that we're in the middle of the woods! Want to go and get lost again? Go ahead, it's no skin off of my nose! Camerawoman: (looking around uncertainly) Well. now that you mention it. Gretchen: Come on and help me find the boys, and then you can leave. Camerawoman: (sighs and starts to walk behind Gretchen)
End scene 8
Scene 9 opens as Zack and Taylor both peek out from behind the bushes and speak in whispers.
(Huge exit sign is visible from behind the two)
Zack: Dude, where's Gretchen at? Taylor: I dunno dude? Hey.are you scared? Zack: Kind of. You?
Taylor: (visibly scared) N-n-n-n-n-n-no. Zack: Whatever, you're scared. Taylor: How are we going to get out of here? Where's the exit?
Zack: I don't know. Man, this is so hard! Taylor: Is that witch still behind us?
Zack: Hope not. Where's Gretchen?
Taylor: I thought he was behind you?
Zack: Dude, I thought he was in front of you!
Taylor: So we're out here in the woods without Gretchen?! (Gretchen walks out of the house followed by the Camerawoman) Gretchen: Get out of those bushes! Why were you hiding in the first place? She's just an old woman who's crazy!
Taylor: She scared us! Zack: She said she'd eat us. Taylor: Yeah! Hey, who's that behind you?
Gretchen: Our camerawoman Taylor: We got a camerawoman? Zack: That's sweet! We're being taped right now, aren't we? Taylor: Okay, we had better make the best of a bad thing and start to sing!
(They both break into the 'MMMMBop' song)
(As Gretchen goes to say something, there's a huge noise that comes from inside the house, making the boys scream, and Gretchen wince in pain as his headache continues) Camerawoman: What was that? Gretchen: Dunno. Maybe it was the witch. Want to go check it out? Taylor and Zack: NO!
Camerawoman: Why not? Maybe she's croaked. Gretchen: Good idea. Maybe we can use the phone in that place. (Gretchen, Camerawoman, Taylor, and Zack all walk into the house again)
End scene 9
Scene 10 opens as the group walks downstairs into the basement. Gretchen looks around in mild disgust.
Gretchen: Man, this is like Martha Stewarts Home and Meat Processing. Zack: (girly voice) Um.there's nothing down here, so lets go back and get out of these woods. Taylor: Yeah!
Camerawoman: Yeah!
Gretchen: Well.okay. (The witch comes out from behind the group. She has a black cauldron in her hands)
Witch: How about you guys stay here! Now go down the stairs! NOW!
(The witch points her wand at the group and they all go downstairs. Zack and Taylor start to whine)
Taylor: But.I don't want to die young! I'm too beautiful! Zack: Kill him! He's the dumb one! I at least went through the third grade!
Taylor: Yeah, it only took you seven years to get it done. Zack: Hey, shut up. (They get into a little squabble)
Camerawoman: Hey, maybe if you guys take each other out, the witch will let us go. Witch: Nope. Camerawoman: Darn. Gretchen: (looking at the two bickering) Guys, now's not the time to be doing this. (Gretchen gets ignored)
Gretchen: Ah well. I tried. Witch: Stop it. Now. I'm going to roast the four of you! Starting with the two boys first! Go ahead and get up there!
(Taylor and Zack start to whimper and whine, and it finally takes the witch smacking them with the cauldron to get them up to the oven door) Witch: Yum, it's been a while since I've had baby back ribs! (Gretchen sees his chance to get rid of the witch)
Gretchen: Too bad you're not getting any tonight!
(Gretchen runs past Zack and Taylor and shoves the witch into the oven. The witch is roasted)
Zack: THE WITCH IS DEAD! (They both break into the 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' song)
Gretchen: Shut up! God, I hate it when you guys sing!
(They ignore him)
Gretchen: I'm serious, shut up now or else!
(They go on singing)
Gretchen: That's it! It's go time!
(Gretchen reopens the oven and shoves both Taylor and Zack into the oven)
(There's a loud thudding sound as they hit the bottom of the oven)
Camerawoman: Why'd you do that?!
Gretchen: You didn't have to walk with them through the woods! No, you were goofing off in the woods, and you lost your camera. So be quiet. Camerawoman: God I hate you guys!
(Camerawoman shoves Gretchen into the oven and closes the door)
Camerawoman: Creep. Now to get out of these woods.
End scene 10 end play
Scene 1 opens to a tire rolling across the stage, and the Oompa Loompa song being played as Zack, Taylor, and Isaac walk onto the stage followed by Gretchen. Creepy Camerawoman is on the side of the stage, talking into her cell phone and looking into her camera.
Zack: Man, my feet hurt. Taylor: Dude, this place reeks! Gretchen: Stop whining!
Isaac: Hey-
Everyone: (turn to Isaac) SHUT UP! Gretchen: Now, I didn't know that the Oompa Loompa would fly that far and leave that much road kill behind, or else I would have swerved the bus out of the way. Lord knows it took us long enough to make Isaac stop crying. Zack: Dude! Our bus is trashed, we're in the middle of these woods, and my feet really hurt! Taylor: Yeah! That was our last bus! Gretchen: Oh, that was your last bus? Who told you that?
Zack: The execs at the company. Taylor: Yes, since we trashed all of our other ones, they said that this was our last one. Gretchen: Don't believe them. I've gone through seventy-three buses since the late 80's, and they've given me bus after bus. Zack: But they were serious about- Gretchen: AND THIS IS WHY THEY ASSINGED ME TO YOU THREE! They want to remake you guys, and they put me, Gretchen Van Strudel, uber Rock Star, to remake you guys. Now listen, I've gone through many buses since I first started. I've blown em up, dismantled em, rode them through houses, and I've been taken hostage with my group in three countries that I'd have to rip my tongue out to say! And have I let it get me down? (Isaac raises his hand like in school) Gretchen: Isaac?
Isaac: What about the time you checked yourself into that mental hospital citing 'Too many tour dates and the hectic off life you had' as a reason? (Gretchen gives Isaac the evil eye) Gretchen: Isaac, do me a favor. Isaac: Yeah?
Gretchen: Shut up. (Isaac walks over to the edge of the stage and looks down) Isaac: Hey, there's something down- Gretchen: Good! Go down there and see what it is than! (Gretchen shoves Isaac off the stage) Zack and Isaac: Dude! Gretchen: Hey, it's about time someone did it. And I know you guys didn't like him too much either. Zack and Isaac: But- Gretchen: Enough talking, we have to get through these woods and back onto the main highway again. Up. (The two remaining Hanson boys get up and start to walk, grumbling under their breath) (Zack starts to hum 'MMMMBop' under his breath)
End Scene 1
Scene two opens as Zack, Gretchen, and Taylor walk onto the stage, flat out singing 'MMMMBop', including Gretchen. The Camerawoman has mysteriously disappeared.
(Gretchen shakes his head and looks at the other two)
Gretchen: HEY! (Zack and Taylor turn around real fast and look startled) Gretchen: Stop singing that crap! That's why I'm here! Zack: (Eyes Gretchen) How are we supposed to sound if we can't sound like we used to?
Taylor: Yeah? Gretchen: (sighs and shrugs, looking down at the ground) Hey! Is that money? (Zack and Taylor both look down and squeal with girlish glee)
Zack: Yeah! It looks like a Bennie! Gretchen: Bennie? What in the name of god is a Bennie?
Taylor: Ya know, a Benjamin? A hundred dollars? Gretchen: Bennie.no. It's a hundred dollar bill. Zack: Hey, there are more of them! Taylor: Yeah! And they make a trail! Let's follow it! (Zack and Taylor start up into the first verse of MMMMBop)
Gretchen: SHUT UP!
End scene 2
Scene three opens up as the group finds the end of the path of money and looks up to find a house.
Taylor: Hey, maybe this place has food!
Zack: and a phone! Taylor: And a bathtub!
Zack: And fuzzy bunny slippers! Gretchen: And some aspirin. (Zack and Taylor open the door and run into the house, making as much noise as they can) Gretchen: Hello? Anyone here? (No answer, but the Witch comes up from behind the group)
Witch: (quietly) Not now, but soon! (Gretchen and the boys walk into the house, and he Witch waits until they are all the way into the house before she goes in and closes the door without them noticing)
End scene 3
Scene four opens with Zack, Taylor, and Gretchen grubbing out in the Witch's fridge. Old Chinese cartons reign over much of the table space.
Taylor: (loud burp) Yum. Tastes like Chinese. Zack: Dude, that's gross. Gretchen: (gets all paranoid) You guys hear that?
(Zack and Taylor look around)
Zack: N-N-N-N-No. Taylor: Nope. Gretchen: Good, cause I didn't hear anything either. (Zack and Taylor sigh and glare at Gretchen) Gretchen: You guys know where the john is? (Blank stares and shrugs) Gretchen: Ah, I'll figure it out.
End scene four Scene five opens with the boys still sitting at the table. Much time has passed, and the boys are starting to get a little paranoid.
Zack: Taylor, go and see if Gretchen ever found the bathroom! Taylor: Dude, no! Zack: Dude, yes! Taylor: Dude, I don't want to! I don't know what's here in this house! Zack: Like I do? That's why I want you to go and find out so I can make sure there's nothing in here that's going to damage my precious face. Taylor: What?! You're using me as a scout? Man, I've seen this movie! The cutest kid always dies first! Zack: I know. That's why I'm sending you first. Taylor: Dude, are you saying that I'm the ugly one?
Zack: God no. That was Isaac. I'm sending you because the youngest kid never dies. See? Taylor: Dude.well.. okay. Zack: Cool, now walk in front of me so I can shield myself with your body incase something happens. Taylor: Dude!
End Scene six
Scene seven opens to the boys walking around a corner and seeing Gretchen standing in a corner face forward.
Taylor: Gretchen?
Zack: Hey, are you okay?
Taylor: Dude, didn't a movie end like this? (Gretchen's head turns around and looks at the boys, and he freaks) Gretchen: Huh? HEY! CAN'T A GUY GET A LITTLE PEACE! (Zack and Taylor both make a face and turn around) Zack: Dude, you used the bathroom in a corner?
Taylor: That's, like, unsanitary and stuff. (Gretchen sighs and turns around) Gretchen: Well, I had to go. You guys ready to head out for the night?
Taylor: Sure. Zack: Yeah.and stuff. (The guys walk off stage and act like they are going downstairs. When they get downstairs they see that there is a little stick man hanging from the ceiling)
Zack: Hey! What's that thing? Taylor: Firewood?
Gretchen: Nope, stick figure guy. Zack: What's it mean?
Witch: It means you're in my house and I'm going to get you!
(Zack and Taylor whimper in fear. Gretchen looks at the two)
Gretchen: Woo who. (Zack and Taylor freak out and start to run around screaming) (Gretchen rolls his eyes and walks up to the witch)
Gretchen: Ya going to stick em in an oven?
Witch: Why.come to think of it, I am! You too!
(Gretchen shrugs and walks away from the Witch, who is too flabbergasted by the whole incident to just stand there)
End scene 7
Scene eight opens as Creepy Camerawoman joins us again. Her camera is lost and she looks like she's been wandering the woods. Gretchen briskly walks into her as he's looking for the boys.
Camerawoman: Hey! Where'd you guys go? I got lost and stuff! Gretchen: Sorry, sorry. But I'm looking for the boys again, they ran away and they've gone hiding from the Witch. Camerawoman: Witch? What witch?
Gretchen: The Witch of the Woods. She lives in that house back there, and when the boys saw her, they ran away and freaked out. Where's you're camera at?
Camerawoman: I lost it in the woods after you guys left me! Gretchen: Well, you're supposed to keep track of things like that! What are people going to say when they don't get their daily dosages of Gretchen?! Camerawoman: I don't have to take this! I quit! Right here and now! Gretchen: Fine than! Quit! See if I care! You forgot that we're in the middle of the woods! Want to go and get lost again? Go ahead, it's no skin off of my nose! Camerawoman: (looking around uncertainly) Well. now that you mention it. Gretchen: Come on and help me find the boys, and then you can leave. Camerawoman: (sighs and starts to walk behind Gretchen)
End scene 8
Scene 9 opens as Zack and Taylor both peek out from behind the bushes and speak in whispers.
(Huge exit sign is visible from behind the two)
Zack: Dude, where's Gretchen at? Taylor: I dunno dude? Hey.are you scared? Zack: Kind of. You?
Taylor: (visibly scared) N-n-n-n-n-n-no. Zack: Whatever, you're scared. Taylor: How are we going to get out of here? Where's the exit?
Zack: I don't know. Man, this is so hard! Taylor: Is that witch still behind us?
Zack: Hope not. Where's Gretchen?
Taylor: I thought he was behind you?
Zack: Dude, I thought he was in front of you!
Taylor: So we're out here in the woods without Gretchen?! (Gretchen walks out of the house followed by the Camerawoman) Gretchen: Get out of those bushes! Why were you hiding in the first place? She's just an old woman who's crazy!
Taylor: She scared us! Zack: She said she'd eat us. Taylor: Yeah! Hey, who's that behind you?
Gretchen: Our camerawoman Taylor: We got a camerawoman? Zack: That's sweet! We're being taped right now, aren't we? Taylor: Okay, we had better make the best of a bad thing and start to sing!
(They both break into the 'MMMMBop' song)
(As Gretchen goes to say something, there's a huge noise that comes from inside the house, making the boys scream, and Gretchen wince in pain as his headache continues) Camerawoman: What was that? Gretchen: Dunno. Maybe it was the witch. Want to go check it out? Taylor and Zack: NO!
Camerawoman: Why not? Maybe she's croaked. Gretchen: Good idea. Maybe we can use the phone in that place. (Gretchen, Camerawoman, Taylor, and Zack all walk into the house again)
End scene 9
Scene 10 opens as the group walks downstairs into the basement. Gretchen looks around in mild disgust.
Gretchen: Man, this is like Martha Stewarts Home and Meat Processing. Zack: (girly voice) Um.there's nothing down here, so lets go back and get out of these woods. Taylor: Yeah!
Camerawoman: Yeah!
Gretchen: Well.okay. (The witch comes out from behind the group. She has a black cauldron in her hands)
Witch: How about you guys stay here! Now go down the stairs! NOW!
(The witch points her wand at the group and they all go downstairs. Zack and Taylor start to whine)
Taylor: But.I don't want to die young! I'm too beautiful! Zack: Kill him! He's the dumb one! I at least went through the third grade!
Taylor: Yeah, it only took you seven years to get it done. Zack: Hey, shut up. (They get into a little squabble)
Camerawoman: Hey, maybe if you guys take each other out, the witch will let us go. Witch: Nope. Camerawoman: Darn. Gretchen: (looking at the two bickering) Guys, now's not the time to be doing this. (Gretchen gets ignored)
Gretchen: Ah well. I tried. Witch: Stop it. Now. I'm going to roast the four of you! Starting with the two boys first! Go ahead and get up there!
(Taylor and Zack start to whimper and whine, and it finally takes the witch smacking them with the cauldron to get them up to the oven door) Witch: Yum, it's been a while since I've had baby back ribs! (Gretchen sees his chance to get rid of the witch)
Gretchen: Too bad you're not getting any tonight!
(Gretchen runs past Zack and Taylor and shoves the witch into the oven. The witch is roasted)
Zack: THE WITCH IS DEAD! (They both break into the 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' song)
Gretchen: Shut up! God, I hate it when you guys sing!
(They ignore him)
Gretchen: I'm serious, shut up now or else!
(They go on singing)
Gretchen: That's it! It's go time!
(Gretchen reopens the oven and shoves both Taylor and Zack into the oven)
(There's a loud thudding sound as they hit the bottom of the oven)
Camerawoman: Why'd you do that?!
Gretchen: You didn't have to walk with them through the woods! No, you were goofing off in the woods, and you lost your camera. So be quiet. Camerawoman: God I hate you guys!
(Camerawoman shoves Gretchen into the oven and closes the door)
Camerawoman: Creep. Now to get out of these woods.
End scene 10 end play