Abscondence
She felt utterly hopeless.
The world around her had come crashing down, and she could not take it anymore. She wanted to escape from it all.
The pain, the hurt, and the suffering had started long time ago… it had built up over the years, and finally, the dam broke. Everything broke through the barrier, and bubbled up to the surface. She could not repress the feelings - they were all mixed together, forming a hazardous concoction. Which was unfortunately, suicidal.
The wind blew into her face; it was strong, strong enough to whip away the purple ribbon that held her hair together. Her dark hair was free, and it flew out behind her.
// Sakura had left. She had found her happiness, in Syaoran. He came back, after all. She had wished he didn't and she hated herself for having such sentiments. But she had loved Sakura, just like her mother had loved Sakura's mother. She knew that he would not let Sakura be harmed, but she was still sad. She did not want to let go, but she tried. All the time she tried to forget. She knew that she would lose Sakura the minute they met. And she encouraged them. She hated herself. She didn't try to prevent what was coming. //
Liar.
A crystal tear, shining radiantly in the moonlight, fell down onto the railing of the bridge.
She had said she would be happy if Sakura was happy.
// "You are lying, Daidouji-san. Do not cheat yourself. Do not run away. Face it and let it go. Why torment yourself?" //
He had told her, and she had listened. She had almost gotten over Sakura in the end.
She hated herself more for that. Damn. Why did he have to know it all!
But, in return, she had fallen for him.
Why, why, for goodness sake, had she done that? Perhaps he had done too much for her. Perhaps she understood him, and he understood her too well. Perhaps.
But he too, left her. Everyone was leaving her.
Her mother was never really there, even though she made attempts. But she was gone now.
// She watched. The horrible scene unfolding before her eyes. Mother had just gotten out of the car, when a car came hurtling down the road. It slammed into Mother's car. The car crumpled, and its fuel tank exploded. Mother's car was more resistant to crumpling, but the speed the car had been travelling at transferred its kinetic energy to Mother's car. It moved. The fireball engulfed the driver of the uncontrolled car, supposedly drunk and didn't know what he was doing. Mother! Tomoyo cried, rushing away from the window. Mother's car had slammed into her with the resultant force, and her head hit the ground hard. //
She suffered serious head injuries, and fell into a coma. He didn't survive, he couldn't go to jail and suffer.
She had asked Mother to come home early for her birthday, and Mother had made it home. No, she had not. She had not stepped into the house, but she saw Tomoyo at her window. She had smiled at Tomoyo, without knowing what was going to happen.
It was all her fault.
Another crystal tear, shimmering in the moonlight, fell into the turbulent water below, merging and dissolving.
// "Mother, I am sorry… It is all my fault." Tomoyo whispered hoarsely. Her eyes were red from crying.
Mother lay on the white bed, in a coma. Her heartbeat was weak. But Tomoyo heard what she said when she parted her pale lips and stirred for the last time.
"Tomoyo… I love you. It's… not… your… fault… Goodbye… Sayonara…" Tears fell from her closed eyes.
No. No. Tomoyo couldn't believe it. Mother's hand went limp in Tomoyo's hand. The line on the screen became straight, and the machine's alarm went off. Mother's breath no longer fogged the mask she had to wear. //
Tears slid down Tomoyo's cheeks. The lights reflected on the water was so bright, almost blinding her eyes.
Mother! I miss you! Come back! Don't leave me here! She screamed.
She took over her Mother's company when she was barely fifteen. However, she was naïve. And gullible. She had trusted everyone around her, thinking that they meant the best. She thought everything was going to work out fine.
The company funds started dwindling. Tomoyo was sure she did the correct thing every time, with the help from her company advisors. What she did not know was that their rival company had infiltrated theirs.
Funds disappeared, and the whole management started to turn against her.
A few weeks ago, she had found out that she had been betrayed.
// Tomoyo entered her office. Everybody was there, and had a solemn look on their faces. Aki was sitting in the chair, her chair.
"What are you doing in my chair? Get out!" Tomoyo shrieked. She detested the man who had cheated and destroyed her heart.
"What?" He smirked. He pointed to a piece of paper on the table. "You see for yourself. You should have fired me long time ago, baby, but you were too blind."
Tomoyo stormed over. Holy shit. She cursed under her breath. She vaguely remembered Aki forcing her to sign some papers after he got her drunk at a bar. She did what he wanted her to, because he said he loved her, and Tomoyo thought she loved him too.
It turned out that he was simply using her emotions, her deprived state and desperation for love and acceptance.
"The company is now known Miyake Toys, and you can't do anything about it. I managed to do to you what your father did to mine. He ruined my father, and he took his own life. I have avenged him at last! Aki laughed cruelly. Do you want to be my sex slave? At least you have a job." Tomoyo was seething with fury, but inside, she really did not know what to do.
Tomoyo strode over to him, bent down and kissed him. "What? You really want to?" he was bewildered.
"Go to hell." And she kissed him again, leading him out of the chair. "Your father was an incompetent ass." She bit down hard on his lip, and kicked his ass, shoving the sharp heel of her shoes right up his ass. He doubled over in pain. She had drawn blood, and she became happier.
"Traitors!" She screamed at the people in the room, the people whom she used to work with, and they all turned away in guilt. She stormed out of the building, crashed her car against his in the parking space and ran home. //
Tomoyo was glad she did kick his ass. She still had her savings, and she could call Sakura and ask for help. But before that could happen, another disaster befell, just a few days ago.
Tomoyo screamed. It pierced through the night air, reaching the ears of him, Eriol. She grabbed her hair and pulled, letting a few strands drift away, disappearing into the night air, a few washed away by the swift flow of water.
// Tomoyo slammed the glass down on the bar. "More, give me more." She demanded. She was trying to drown her sorrows. She had sold her house to pay off her credit card bills she had racked up. She hiccuped violently. "Miss, no, I think you have had enough."
"Damn you." She slapped a few notes down on the table. It was all she had on her, the rest was in the bank. She needed to get more. "Keep the change." She stumbled out of the bar.
Struggling to see in the dim light, her tried making her way home. Except she didn't have a home. They had taken it from her; all she had left was a few hundred in her savings. Rough hands grabbed her. She shrieked. She was silenced by her attacker, a thick wad of cloth in her mouth. She put up a futile struggle.
She was dragged into the shadows, and hands roamed her body. She felt dirty, and she never stopped crying, no matter how many times she was hit. The darkness broke into her, and it hurt horribly. Damn the people who said it doing it was like heaven. The darkness had violated her body. Her mind had been violated. She had been violated, her virginity robbed from her unfairly.
She woke the next morning to find her belongings lying beside her. She picked herself up, and made her way to a machine.
What? She hit the machine. There was nothing in her account. //
The darkness had done it. It had taken everything away from her. It was always one step ahead of her.
She flung her cards into the air. They were useless to her. She watched them fall into the water below with her tears.
"Tomoyo!"
That voice. Where had she heard it before? Tomoyo turned. The last of her memories returned to her.
// She was crying. He was leaving. To England.
"I love you! Please don't go!" She pleaded desperately through her tears.
"I'm sorry… I don't love you… I love Kaho." His head was bent in apology.
"I know. You gave her the warmest gaze I have every seen. Good bye, Eriol. I will not forget you." Her body racked with sobs.
His kissed her. "Goodbye, Tomoyo." And he was gone. She ran. //
She turned her head around, facing the man she had loved so much.
"Eriol…" She whispered.
His azure his were filled with worry and helplessness. Her amethyst eyes were filled with despair, and there was no light, only darkness in them.
"Don't. I love you! Please come back!" It was his turn to plead. She was standing on the railing of the cold, metal bridge. He stood at one end of the bridge.
"You returned… But you lied to me. You said you didn't love me." Tomoyo hissed bitterly.
"I was wrong! I love you! I came back today to look for you!" Eriol cried out.
"Liar. You weren't there when I needed somebody. I called, and you ignored me." She accused.
"I was settling a divorce!" Eriol covered his face with his hands.
"So you did marry her. I've had it. My friends have left me on my own, and the people whom I thought I could trust has betrayed me. Mother is in heaven, with Father. And she has her best friend up there, too. I want to find my Mother, she has all the time in the world to be with me now. I hate you!" Eriol flinched.
Eriol moved and stood in front of Tomoyo. She didn't move.
"Kiss me, Eriol." She bent down. He reached up.
He didn't want to tear away. But she did.
"It's too late, love. I have made my decision."
She pushed him away, with strength she didn't usually have. She was crying again, the tears cascading down her face.
She threw her head back, spread her arms out wide and let gravity find her. "Good bye. I love you forever, Eriol."
He was crying too. For the first time in his life. She laughed, the gentle sweet laugh that Eriol loved.
NO!
Her body disappeared into the water. He would allow it.
He plunged in after her, and the strong undercurrent found him, and swept him along.
He saw her. He grabbed her hand.
Her black dress billowed around her. Her long hair around her face, and her face was pale. Her eyes were shut.
Eriol made his decision.
I love you, and I will prove it to you. Tomoyo. I love you. Marry me when we get there.
Eriol saw Tomoyo's lips curve into a smile.
He smiled.
He closed his own eyes.
The next morning, the sun rose, painting the sky a brilliant orange. A pair of white doves rose from the water and took off into the air. They flew high up into the sky, and disappeared.
o. w. a. r. i.
[Wind chimes tinkle][The violin wails][Piano tinkers away][Guitar twangs]
You vanished Love has vanished
Where will I follow it
I thought of giving up on myself
To let go But where, what?
Love has let me know myself through the salty taste of my tears
I can't feel you anymore then I realize that I have lost myself [Crescendo]
I do not love; I cannot love the future you have given to me
I do not love, cannot love the reality in which you have left me
Turning away never coming back [Decrescendo]
Oh What am I waiting for?
Love has vanished along with you
Who has been with me when I was crying silently in the worst night of my life?
You made my struggle seem worthy
With the most unforgettable words
I understand you
Everything has changed
The past has been toppled over
Blankness Hurt
Where is the wrong? I think I am there with it [Crescendo]
I do not love; I cannot love the pathetic purpose of living
I do not love; when you are not there
I thought we could continue loving
I thought we could never come back
Oh what am I waiting for?
I do not know how to love again.
[Fade]
Author's note: (please read!)
Silverg3r: I really shouldn't be writing this… I should be studying for my Chinese O levels, which is just round the corner. Sigh.
Tomoyo: Nobody asked you to come and torture me!
Silverg3r: Whatever… needed a distraction, plus I was feeling low. And terribly bitter.
Eriol: What? Boyfriend cheated you?
Silverg3r: Yea, right. Eriol, marry me, will you?
Tomoyo: He is mine! Don't you touch him! (Grabs Eriol by the neck possessively)
Silverg3r: Ok, I am sick of trying to do this. Sorry. Let the curtains down!
Ok, that was totally crappy. I let out a lot of frustrations in this fic… ok, the stuff doesn't relate to me that much… just maybe the betrayal. OOOOOOOOHHHH I hate her. Ok. I'm still pretty bitter about what someone in my life did to me, and probably destroyed my trust in everyone else with a simple swipe.
But I feel kind of stupid to keep dwelling on the past… I'm really afraid of what friends can do to me. Argh. I felt like using some expletives… but no… I wanted to be able to keep it within PG-13.
Ok, do me a favor, would you? Review. Like, tell me whether I pulled at your heartstrings enough to break them. I don't think this fic is very good though… had a whole lot of jumbled thoughts.
Abscondence means running away… I wonder why I couldn't find it in the dictionary, but I found it on the lyrics of Stefanie Sun's third album Kite fourth song. It's the title in English, anyway.
And by the way! Please read the lyrics up there… I translated them from Chinese, probably not a good attempt…just trying to find a suitable song to suit my depressed mood, and the fic. Its from Stefanie Sun's fifth album Leave, second song Wo3 Bu4 Ai4, but the direct translation is… "I don't love", and it sounds weird. I wonder what the songwriter meant. I don't want to love, cannot love, and should not love?
Tell me if you can make some sense out of it.
Review, onegai. Aishiteru ne! I'll go study now. =)
Light, in Chinese is "liang4 guang1". Now, liang3 is Akira in Japanese. Guang1 is hikaru in Japanese. So add them… Akira hikaru! Oh no, I'm mad. Forgive me.
How do you say, "what are you doing/talking about?" in Japanese? Please enlighten me. =)
[silverg3r fanfiction 3]