Title: I'd Rather Be With You II: The Way You Make Me Feel
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Just a general knowledge of the Carby situation in season 9. Other than that, nothing.
It's fluff (again).
Archive: Totally. Just email me first so I can visit.
Disclaimer: Yes, they're mine. I created ER and everything that goes along with it at the ripe old
age of 12 or 13. And, if you believe that, I've got this bridge I want to sell you...some land in
Florida, too.
Okay, I've only been with Carter for just under three months. Why is it that I can see myself
spending eternity with him? I try to tell myself I'm just in sappy girl mode or something–that I'm
having some sort of flashback to high school where every guy you went on one date with, you
married in your mind. You know, the trying on the last name type of thing. But, really, I know
I'm kidding myself. I think I've fallen off the deep end over this man. And I really have no
interest in trying to change it.
Part of me–a big part of me–is really sure that he feels the same way about me. I've woken up on
more than one occasion in the middle of the night only to find him watching me. And he never
has any kind of reason for it. He just tells me that he likes to look at me, likes to make sure I'm
real. I don't know how to take that sometimes. It doesn't freak me out–I'm just not used to
hearing someone tell me that. Of course, I'm often guilty of doing the exact same thing, but he
doesn't catch me.
But, there's also a small part of me that keeps saying that he doesn't feel this way about me. And
even though it's only a small part of my psyche, it has a very loud voice. I'm probably paranoid,
but I can't help but think that one day he's going to wake up and realize that he doesn't want me
anymore; that things were better when he just simply wanted me as opposed to now, when he has
me.
I don't know why I think that. He's never given me any reason to think that. He doesn't tell me
to go away because he needs space, he's always happy to see me or talk to me. I can tell he's
happy when we go to bed because he doesn't seem to like us not being near each other–he always
holds me close–he's happy when he wakes up because, if for some unknown reason we've drifted
apart from each other during the night, he'll make sure to curl up behind me and wrap his arm
around my waist until I wake up–rather, when I let him know I'm awake. I'm usually aware of
what he's doing in the early hours of the morning because I've developed a tendency to wake up
before the alarm ever goes off just so I can lay there with him for a while. He's even happy when
he sleeps because he always has a little smile on his face.
I suppose it's that whole "once bitten, twice shy" mentality. When you've had the kind of failed
relationships that I've had, it's hard to let yourself believe that this could be the one. There's
some small part of me that's afraid to let myself believe. My optimistic half keeps telling me that
it only takes one time for a relationship to not fail, and the only way to find out if it'll last is to try.
But my pessimistic side is whispering in my ear that there's no real point in trying because it's just
going to end badly.
Maybe the pessimistic side is important, though. Maybe having a little bit of doubt will keep me
from getting cocky and thinking that nothing can tear me apart from Carter. It'll keep me on my
toes and I'll keep working on our relationship, as opposed to just kind of ignoring it and hoping
any problems we've had or will have will just go away. Of course, that's my optimistic half
speaking.
I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so afraid to let Carter know that I want to just be with him
forever. Well, of course, "forever" can be a scary word at times. Especially early on in a
relationship. It can sound a bit stalkerish if you use it too early. But, for the love of God, the
man has wanted me for two years. Why would talking about our future together scare him off?
I guess it's me who's scared. I'm feeling so much so fast right now. There's not a part of me
that wants to step back for a while, though (not even the pessimistic side), to take a breather from
all of these emotions, because I'd rather be with Carter and feeling all of this stuff than be without
him and still feel it, plus the pain of not being with him.
There's no way I can go back at this point. Maybe that's why I was so hesitant about actually
being in a relationship with Carter. I think I knew that as soon as I was with him, I'd never want
to be without him. And that's pretty damn scary at times. But, honestly, the thought of not being
with Carter scares me. It's not that I wouldn't be able to go on with my life without him, I just
know that I'd never feel this way again about anyone. Ever.
It's all a vicious cycle, really. I worry that he doesn't feel the same way I feel, then I worry that
maybe I'm feeling too much, then I worry about being without him, then I worry that I'll scare
him off because he doesn't feel the same way about me, and it keeps going. Fortunately, I don't
get like this all the time. Once a week, maybe, but not every day. Most days, I'm actually
content with being Carter's girlfriend. Which, to the part of me that's a feminist, I find slightly
disgusting because it itemizes me and makes me someone's property. But, I know that he likes
being Abby's boyfriend. I've heard people at work make references to "Abby's boyfriend," even
when he's standing right there, and he just grins. So, I guess he likes other people knowing that
we belong to each other, and therefore I shouldn't be paranoid about letting him know how I feel.
You know, I could be using this time to get some much needed sleep. But noooo.
"You're thinking too much again," he whispers.
I jump a little, then turn my head to face him. And he's looking at me with big concerned eyes, a
questioning look on his face.
"Something wrong?" he asks.
"What makes you think that?"
"Where should I begin?"
All right, he wants to be a smart ass about it, let him begin. So, I just look at him, waiting for him
to go on.
He sighs, then shifts a little closer to me in bed. "First of all, you're laying on your back, and you
don't sleep on your back. You don't even try to sleep on your back. Second, you had a very
contemplative look on your face at the moment. Third, your eyes were wide open, just staring at
the ceiling. Last, your entire body is tense. You're so tight it feels like I could bounce a quarter
off of you."
Okay, so he knows me. He knows me well. He can read me better now after three months than
Richard could after three years. This should tell me something.
I shrug. "I'm just thinking."
"About?"
"Things."
"Well, gee, never would have guessed that," he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
I give him a half-smile at that, then turn on my side so I can look at him better. "I'm sorry. I
guess I'm just having one of those nights."
"One of what nights?"
"One of those nights where everything you're worried about in life is at the front of your mind
and that's all you can think about. Haven't you had nights like that?"
He shakes his head slowly. "Not lately, I haven't. I think I'm going to now, though." We're
both silent for a moment before he speaks up again. "Abby...did I say something or do something
or–"
"Absolutely not," I exclaim. "You've been nothing short of wonderful, so don't worry."
"Then what's wrong?"
"It's very hard for me to put into words."
"Try."
See, with most people, having someone push me to talk about what I'm worried about would piss
me off. But with Carter, I need him to do that. Otherwise, I would never say what was bothering
me or what I was concerned about. And, we promised each other that we'd try to talk about
things like this. He's just trying to keep me honest.
"I just don't want you to freak out."
"I won't freak out." He gives me an odd look. "Are you...pregnant?"
"Pregnant?!" I snort a little. "Not hardly. But I promise to let you know if that ever comes up."
I stare at him for several moments before I say, "Would you have freaked out if I was?"
"Probably a little. But I think I'd do that no matter when the situation should happen to arise.
And you're not going to distract me, Abby. Tell me what's going on."
He's too smart for his own good. I can't get anything past him. Of course, that's ultimately a
good thing.
Finally, I say, "I was thinking about the future."
"In general, or ours?"
I'm silent for a moment. "Ours."
I wait for him to say something, but he's apparently decided not to interrupt me for now. So, I
struggle to continue. "I guess I'm not sure if we're in the same place."
"The same place with what?"
"Our relationship."
"What place are you in?"
I shift once again so that I'm on my back. I know it'll be easier to say this while not facing him.
"In my mind, I've already grown old with you, if that tells you anything. In every scenario I
envision, we're together. I've imagined quite a few different types of weddings, or that we don't
get married, but are together anyway and wind up with a common law marriage. I've imagined
our kids–what they'd look like, how many we'd have, what kind of people they'd be, who they'd
marry, our grandchildren, sometimes even our great grandchildren...so, that's the place I'm in."
He's silent for a couple of seconds before he asks, "So, what would our kids look like?"
"John," I groan. "Please don't tease me right now. I am emotionally naked and the last thing I
need is for you to point and laugh."
He chuckles a little at my analogy. "I'm not teasing you. I really want to know what you think
our kids would look like."
I remain silent. I really do feel like I've said too much.
"Somehow, you've come to the conclusion that I don't feel the exact same way about you."
I think I get whiplash because I turn my head so fast to look at him. "What?"
"You think I haven't picture all of that stuff, too? I have. I did that before we even got together.
I've pictured so many different scenarios, I should probably be institutionalized." He reaches over
and plays with my hair. "So, you've been worried about how I would take it if you told me that
you could see us spending the rest of our lives together?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"That's kind of ironic."
"How so?"
"Because I've been worried about the same thing. I didn't want to tell you because I know I've
been interested in you a lot longer than you've been interested in me. I've had more time to think
about these things than you have. And I didn't want you to think I was pushing you into
something you weren't ready for."
"I'll be honest with you, John. I'm not ready for it. I just know that it's something I want in the
not-too-distant future."
"I can deal with that," he answers. "That's how I feel, too."
"Good." I smile, then roll over and wrap my arms around him, trying to burrow myself into his
body.
"Was there anything else that was bothering you?"
"No, that was pretty much it. Everything I was thinking about was centered around whether or
not you were in the same place as me."
He rubs my back for a while. "So, what do our kids look like?"
I think about it for a moment. "Us. I know that sound pretty generic, but...I see them as the
perfect combination of us. They always have dark hair and dark eyes, but there's no way we can
get around that, really. Except with maybe the eyes, but that'd be a couple of really recessive
genes coming into play."
"I just hope that they wouldn't have my nose."
I laugh. "Why not? What's wrong with your nose?"
"I got harassed about it a lot in school."
"Well, I like your nose. I think it's very distinguished-looking. And, after all, my opinion is the
only one that counts."
"Of course. Tell me more, though."
"They look different every time, I guess. It just depends on where my mind is at the moment."
"How many kids do you see us having?"
"Usually two or three. Sometimes all girls, sometimes all boys, but most often a combination of
the two. It'd be nice to have a mix of them. Know what's strange, though?"
"What's that?"
"I've never really let myself think about having kids before. Once in a while, the idea will pop
into my head, but then I'll push it away because it's too scary to think about."
"But, it doesn't scare you anymore?"
"Well, the thought of parenthood in general always gives me the willies a little, but I'm not as
worried now about my kids being bi-polar."
He pulls away from me and gives me a questioning look. I don't blame him. I would be
confused, too.
"Okay, well, I'm always worried that they'd be bi-polar. But, right now, I'm extremely worried
about how you'd handle it. You're not my father–you won't up and leave just because things get
too tough. I mean, you've handled my mother. After that, everything else is a walk in the park."
He brings me closer once more. "Trust me, Abby. I'd never leave you. Especially not over
something like that. It's part of being a parent. You take the good with the bad, and you work
through it together."
I close my eyes, and we're both silent once more. "Thank you for making me talk about it. You
have no idea how much better I feel now."
"Anytime. I feel better, too, though. It's quite a load off my mind to know that I'm not going to
scare you away this early on."
"No chance of that happening," I reassure him, my voice slurring a little with sleepiness.
He doesn't answer me because he's on the edge of sleep. He's such a wonderful man. How did I
ever get this lucky? I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm going to try like hell to keep
doing it.
I'm just drifting off into sleep when I hear him whisper, "How does John Truman Carter the
fourth sound to you?"
"It sounds like trouble," I answer. "Go to sleep."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What have I gotten myself into?" I mumble under my breath as I fall asleep.
Probably the best that's ever happened to me.
*Author's notes: I just want to thank everyone for all of the wonderful support I've been given. I
don't think any of you could know how much it means to me to know that you enjoy my work
this much. If it takes a while for each part to come out, it's mainly because I want to make sure
that it's good enough for you guys, and I hope that I'm doing all right. Thank you again!*
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Just a general knowledge of the Carby situation in season 9. Other than that, nothing.
It's fluff (again).
Archive: Totally. Just email me first so I can visit.
Disclaimer: Yes, they're mine. I created ER and everything that goes along with it at the ripe old
age of 12 or 13. And, if you believe that, I've got this bridge I want to sell you...some land in
Florida, too.
Okay, I've only been with Carter for just under three months. Why is it that I can see myself
spending eternity with him? I try to tell myself I'm just in sappy girl mode or something–that I'm
having some sort of flashback to high school where every guy you went on one date with, you
married in your mind. You know, the trying on the last name type of thing. But, really, I know
I'm kidding myself. I think I've fallen off the deep end over this man. And I really have no
interest in trying to change it.
Part of me–a big part of me–is really sure that he feels the same way about me. I've woken up on
more than one occasion in the middle of the night only to find him watching me. And he never
has any kind of reason for it. He just tells me that he likes to look at me, likes to make sure I'm
real. I don't know how to take that sometimes. It doesn't freak me out–I'm just not used to
hearing someone tell me that. Of course, I'm often guilty of doing the exact same thing, but he
doesn't catch me.
But, there's also a small part of me that keeps saying that he doesn't feel this way about me. And
even though it's only a small part of my psyche, it has a very loud voice. I'm probably paranoid,
but I can't help but think that one day he's going to wake up and realize that he doesn't want me
anymore; that things were better when he just simply wanted me as opposed to now, when he has
me.
I don't know why I think that. He's never given me any reason to think that. He doesn't tell me
to go away because he needs space, he's always happy to see me or talk to me. I can tell he's
happy when we go to bed because he doesn't seem to like us not being near each other–he always
holds me close–he's happy when he wakes up because, if for some unknown reason we've drifted
apart from each other during the night, he'll make sure to curl up behind me and wrap his arm
around my waist until I wake up–rather, when I let him know I'm awake. I'm usually aware of
what he's doing in the early hours of the morning because I've developed a tendency to wake up
before the alarm ever goes off just so I can lay there with him for a while. He's even happy when
he sleeps because he always has a little smile on his face.
I suppose it's that whole "once bitten, twice shy" mentality. When you've had the kind of failed
relationships that I've had, it's hard to let yourself believe that this could be the one. There's
some small part of me that's afraid to let myself believe. My optimistic half keeps telling me that
it only takes one time for a relationship to not fail, and the only way to find out if it'll last is to try.
But my pessimistic side is whispering in my ear that there's no real point in trying because it's just
going to end badly.
Maybe the pessimistic side is important, though. Maybe having a little bit of doubt will keep me
from getting cocky and thinking that nothing can tear me apart from Carter. It'll keep me on my
toes and I'll keep working on our relationship, as opposed to just kind of ignoring it and hoping
any problems we've had or will have will just go away. Of course, that's my optimistic half
speaking.
I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so afraid to let Carter know that I want to just be with him
forever. Well, of course, "forever" can be a scary word at times. Especially early on in a
relationship. It can sound a bit stalkerish if you use it too early. But, for the love of God, the
man has wanted me for two years. Why would talking about our future together scare him off?
I guess it's me who's scared. I'm feeling so much so fast right now. There's not a part of me
that wants to step back for a while, though (not even the pessimistic side), to take a breather from
all of these emotions, because I'd rather be with Carter and feeling all of this stuff than be without
him and still feel it, plus the pain of not being with him.
There's no way I can go back at this point. Maybe that's why I was so hesitant about actually
being in a relationship with Carter. I think I knew that as soon as I was with him, I'd never want
to be without him. And that's pretty damn scary at times. But, honestly, the thought of not being
with Carter scares me. It's not that I wouldn't be able to go on with my life without him, I just
know that I'd never feel this way again about anyone. Ever.
It's all a vicious cycle, really. I worry that he doesn't feel the same way I feel, then I worry that
maybe I'm feeling too much, then I worry about being without him, then I worry that I'll scare
him off because he doesn't feel the same way about me, and it keeps going. Fortunately, I don't
get like this all the time. Once a week, maybe, but not every day. Most days, I'm actually
content with being Carter's girlfriend. Which, to the part of me that's a feminist, I find slightly
disgusting because it itemizes me and makes me someone's property. But, I know that he likes
being Abby's boyfriend. I've heard people at work make references to "Abby's boyfriend," even
when he's standing right there, and he just grins. So, I guess he likes other people knowing that
we belong to each other, and therefore I shouldn't be paranoid about letting him know how I feel.
You know, I could be using this time to get some much needed sleep. But noooo.
"You're thinking too much again," he whispers.
I jump a little, then turn my head to face him. And he's looking at me with big concerned eyes, a
questioning look on his face.
"Something wrong?" he asks.
"What makes you think that?"
"Where should I begin?"
All right, he wants to be a smart ass about it, let him begin. So, I just look at him, waiting for him
to go on.
He sighs, then shifts a little closer to me in bed. "First of all, you're laying on your back, and you
don't sleep on your back. You don't even try to sleep on your back. Second, you had a very
contemplative look on your face at the moment. Third, your eyes were wide open, just staring at
the ceiling. Last, your entire body is tense. You're so tight it feels like I could bounce a quarter
off of you."
Okay, so he knows me. He knows me well. He can read me better now after three months than
Richard could after three years. This should tell me something.
I shrug. "I'm just thinking."
"About?"
"Things."
"Well, gee, never would have guessed that," he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
I give him a half-smile at that, then turn on my side so I can look at him better. "I'm sorry. I
guess I'm just having one of those nights."
"One of what nights?"
"One of those nights where everything you're worried about in life is at the front of your mind
and that's all you can think about. Haven't you had nights like that?"
He shakes his head slowly. "Not lately, I haven't. I think I'm going to now, though." We're
both silent for a moment before he speaks up again. "Abby...did I say something or do something
or–"
"Absolutely not," I exclaim. "You've been nothing short of wonderful, so don't worry."
"Then what's wrong?"
"It's very hard for me to put into words."
"Try."
See, with most people, having someone push me to talk about what I'm worried about would piss
me off. But with Carter, I need him to do that. Otherwise, I would never say what was bothering
me or what I was concerned about. And, we promised each other that we'd try to talk about
things like this. He's just trying to keep me honest.
"I just don't want you to freak out."
"I won't freak out." He gives me an odd look. "Are you...pregnant?"
"Pregnant?!" I snort a little. "Not hardly. But I promise to let you know if that ever comes up."
I stare at him for several moments before I say, "Would you have freaked out if I was?"
"Probably a little. But I think I'd do that no matter when the situation should happen to arise.
And you're not going to distract me, Abby. Tell me what's going on."
He's too smart for his own good. I can't get anything past him. Of course, that's ultimately a
good thing.
Finally, I say, "I was thinking about the future."
"In general, or ours?"
I'm silent for a moment. "Ours."
I wait for him to say something, but he's apparently decided not to interrupt me for now. So, I
struggle to continue. "I guess I'm not sure if we're in the same place."
"The same place with what?"
"Our relationship."
"What place are you in?"
I shift once again so that I'm on my back. I know it'll be easier to say this while not facing him.
"In my mind, I've already grown old with you, if that tells you anything. In every scenario I
envision, we're together. I've imagined quite a few different types of weddings, or that we don't
get married, but are together anyway and wind up with a common law marriage. I've imagined
our kids–what they'd look like, how many we'd have, what kind of people they'd be, who they'd
marry, our grandchildren, sometimes even our great grandchildren...so, that's the place I'm in."
He's silent for a couple of seconds before he asks, "So, what would our kids look like?"
"John," I groan. "Please don't tease me right now. I am emotionally naked and the last thing I
need is for you to point and laugh."
He chuckles a little at my analogy. "I'm not teasing you. I really want to know what you think
our kids would look like."
I remain silent. I really do feel like I've said too much.
"Somehow, you've come to the conclusion that I don't feel the exact same way about you."
I think I get whiplash because I turn my head so fast to look at him. "What?"
"You think I haven't picture all of that stuff, too? I have. I did that before we even got together.
I've pictured so many different scenarios, I should probably be institutionalized." He reaches over
and plays with my hair. "So, you've been worried about how I would take it if you told me that
you could see us spending the rest of our lives together?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"That's kind of ironic."
"How so?"
"Because I've been worried about the same thing. I didn't want to tell you because I know I've
been interested in you a lot longer than you've been interested in me. I've had more time to think
about these things than you have. And I didn't want you to think I was pushing you into
something you weren't ready for."
"I'll be honest with you, John. I'm not ready for it. I just know that it's something I want in the
not-too-distant future."
"I can deal with that," he answers. "That's how I feel, too."
"Good." I smile, then roll over and wrap my arms around him, trying to burrow myself into his
body.
"Was there anything else that was bothering you?"
"No, that was pretty much it. Everything I was thinking about was centered around whether or
not you were in the same place as me."
He rubs my back for a while. "So, what do our kids look like?"
I think about it for a moment. "Us. I know that sound pretty generic, but...I see them as the
perfect combination of us. They always have dark hair and dark eyes, but there's no way we can
get around that, really. Except with maybe the eyes, but that'd be a couple of really recessive
genes coming into play."
"I just hope that they wouldn't have my nose."
I laugh. "Why not? What's wrong with your nose?"
"I got harassed about it a lot in school."
"Well, I like your nose. I think it's very distinguished-looking. And, after all, my opinion is the
only one that counts."
"Of course. Tell me more, though."
"They look different every time, I guess. It just depends on where my mind is at the moment."
"How many kids do you see us having?"
"Usually two or three. Sometimes all girls, sometimes all boys, but most often a combination of
the two. It'd be nice to have a mix of them. Know what's strange, though?"
"What's that?"
"I've never really let myself think about having kids before. Once in a while, the idea will pop
into my head, but then I'll push it away because it's too scary to think about."
"But, it doesn't scare you anymore?"
"Well, the thought of parenthood in general always gives me the willies a little, but I'm not as
worried now about my kids being bi-polar."
He pulls away from me and gives me a questioning look. I don't blame him. I would be
confused, too.
"Okay, well, I'm always worried that they'd be bi-polar. But, right now, I'm extremely worried
about how you'd handle it. You're not my father–you won't up and leave just because things get
too tough. I mean, you've handled my mother. After that, everything else is a walk in the park."
He brings me closer once more. "Trust me, Abby. I'd never leave you. Especially not over
something like that. It's part of being a parent. You take the good with the bad, and you work
through it together."
I close my eyes, and we're both silent once more. "Thank you for making me talk about it. You
have no idea how much better I feel now."
"Anytime. I feel better, too, though. It's quite a load off my mind to know that I'm not going to
scare you away this early on."
"No chance of that happening," I reassure him, my voice slurring a little with sleepiness.
He doesn't answer me because he's on the edge of sleep. He's such a wonderful man. How did I
ever get this lucky? I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm going to try like hell to keep
doing it.
I'm just drifting off into sleep when I hear him whisper, "How does John Truman Carter the
fourth sound to you?"
"It sounds like trouble," I answer. "Go to sleep."
"Yes, ma'am."
"What have I gotten myself into?" I mumble under my breath as I fall asleep.
Probably the best that's ever happened to me.
*Author's notes: I just want to thank everyone for all of the wonderful support I've been given. I
don't think any of you could know how much it means to me to know that you enjoy my work
this much. If it takes a while for each part to come out, it's mainly because I want to make sure
that it's good enough for you guys, and I hope that I'm doing all right. Thank you again!*