Why Not?
They come and go here. It's like a kind of dance. Charge your glass, take your partners. The dance was unfamiliar to me at first, but the steps are easy to pick up and it's becoming second nature to me now. I'm getting rather good at leaving my first nature at the door on the way in. It follows me home of course, but we talk much less than we used to. I'll forget about it all together soon. I already can for hours at a time, for whole nights recently. I'm better off without it when all is said and done. It never got me anywhere.
Except Danijela, it got me her, a marriage, a family. She loved that other man, whoever he was. I don't think I can remember any more. The man who waited until his wedding night to make love to her. Actually, that's not quite true. We made love as often as we could, we just never . but, anyway, when it came to it I was glad to have waited. Desire is intoxicating. The surprise was that it feeds on itself. Consummated desire left us giddy with the hunger for more. I had her, I had my work and then the babies, and we fell in love with them too. I think I was drunk with happiness.
Drunks are stupid.
There she is. Does she want to dance? I think she does.
At any rate it all dissolved on a squalid, dust choked autumn afternoon with the nasty metallic smell of blood threatening to make me vomit. And why? No answer to that. Danijela, Jasna, Marko, our neighbours and the dog I had to step over to get back into the building. I still feel bad about that dog; I would feel tears hurt my eyes long after I'd stopped crying for my wife and babies. Dogs and children, helpless, just caught up in being themselves. Why? It's the wrong question. Why not? That's the right question.
Why me? The nightmare of the hospital, of the camp, the living death that followed. Why me? Why not me?
Gin and tonic, ice, no lemon. File that.
I didn't understand at first, the women here in America, how they can look at a man. I returned their smiles. They didn't seem to notice that the smile didn't reach my eyes; or perhaps they just didn't much mind. I stopped smiling back in the end. How many years did I do that? I don't remember. I worked, I ate, I slept and I moved on if I felt tempted to return a smile.
Here she comes. Asks if the seat next to me is taken and I shake my head. I smile back.
I don't know why it took me so long to understand that there was nothing I had to offer that anyone wanted. Carol saw it, Abby too, in the end. Not that I didn't try to do right, I did. It doesn't seem to count any more, not here, not for me.
Why?
"Will you have another drink?"
"Sure. Why not?"
It's not quite true that they want nothing. There's one thing. I see it in the smiles. Okay, then. Let them have what they want. Except then they want more. Always the expectation of a call, another time. Why? I don't pretend, I can't. They know because I tell them. Why don't they listen?
I've not seen you here before." "No?" "No. I'm sure I'd remember."
I can't believe she said that.
I wonder what world I lived in 'til now. I think it was Abby who woke me up. I took her at face value. How easy we were together when we weren't . together. I tried not to hope, I really did, but it got the better of me in the end. No artillery shell this time. Another man. The other man.
She's very pretty, her skin very pale, her eyes the colour of slate. She wears no rings.
There is a moment, just before the end, when I remember that Worm Ouroborous desire, renewing itself. And I know it's only a matter of seconds before it vanishes, and then I want them gone.
She leans in now and whispers something indecent in my ear. And a price. That's new. And a relief. She will leave.
I look at her for a second pretending to consider. Finish my drink and stand up, nodding.
"Sure. Why not?"
They come and go here. It's like a kind of dance. Charge your glass, take your partners. The dance was unfamiliar to me at first, but the steps are easy to pick up and it's becoming second nature to me now. I'm getting rather good at leaving my first nature at the door on the way in. It follows me home of course, but we talk much less than we used to. I'll forget about it all together soon. I already can for hours at a time, for whole nights recently. I'm better off without it when all is said and done. It never got me anywhere.
Except Danijela, it got me her, a marriage, a family. She loved that other man, whoever he was. I don't think I can remember any more. The man who waited until his wedding night to make love to her. Actually, that's not quite true. We made love as often as we could, we just never . but, anyway, when it came to it I was glad to have waited. Desire is intoxicating. The surprise was that it feeds on itself. Consummated desire left us giddy with the hunger for more. I had her, I had my work and then the babies, and we fell in love with them too. I think I was drunk with happiness.
Drunks are stupid.
There she is. Does she want to dance? I think she does.
At any rate it all dissolved on a squalid, dust choked autumn afternoon with the nasty metallic smell of blood threatening to make me vomit. And why? No answer to that. Danijela, Jasna, Marko, our neighbours and the dog I had to step over to get back into the building. I still feel bad about that dog; I would feel tears hurt my eyes long after I'd stopped crying for my wife and babies. Dogs and children, helpless, just caught up in being themselves. Why? It's the wrong question. Why not? That's the right question.
Why me? The nightmare of the hospital, of the camp, the living death that followed. Why me? Why not me?
Gin and tonic, ice, no lemon. File that.
I didn't understand at first, the women here in America, how they can look at a man. I returned their smiles. They didn't seem to notice that the smile didn't reach my eyes; or perhaps they just didn't much mind. I stopped smiling back in the end. How many years did I do that? I don't remember. I worked, I ate, I slept and I moved on if I felt tempted to return a smile.
Here she comes. Asks if the seat next to me is taken and I shake my head. I smile back.
I don't know why it took me so long to understand that there was nothing I had to offer that anyone wanted. Carol saw it, Abby too, in the end. Not that I didn't try to do right, I did. It doesn't seem to count any more, not here, not for me.
Why?
"Will you have another drink?"
"Sure. Why not?"
It's not quite true that they want nothing. There's one thing. I see it in the smiles. Okay, then. Let them have what they want. Except then they want more. Always the expectation of a call, another time. Why? I don't pretend, I can't. They know because I tell them. Why don't they listen?
I've not seen you here before." "No?" "No. I'm sure I'd remember."
I can't believe she said that.
I wonder what world I lived in 'til now. I think it was Abby who woke me up. I took her at face value. How easy we were together when we weren't . together. I tried not to hope, I really did, but it got the better of me in the end. No artillery shell this time. Another man. The other man.
She's very pretty, her skin very pale, her eyes the colour of slate. She wears no rings.
There is a moment, just before the end, when I remember that Worm Ouroborous desire, renewing itself. And I know it's only a matter of seconds before it vanishes, and then I want them gone.
She leans in now and whispers something indecent in my ear. And a price. That's new. And a relief. She will leave.
I look at her for a second pretending to consider. Finish my drink and stand up, nodding.
"Sure. Why not?"