The Big Burnin' Ego: The Tale of Zamza

My name is Zamza, and I'm quite possibly the best and most important person you'll ever see in your entire life. Not only am I an exceptional fighter, but I am also quite skilled in the art of magic--plus, I'm very good-looking, and quite knowledgeable about many things. For those poor fools who don't believe me, I shall present them with a multitude of reasons as to why I am as good as I claim--perhaps more than their pitiful minds can believe. Believe me, I needn't list every accomplishment of mine to get those doubtful people on my side.

Let me first make slight note that I was once a member of Lord Riou's Stupid Army--a name I partially disagree with, but I suppose t'was not my choice, though I was with him when he coined the name. This alone would hold merit to my previous claims, yet I, as a man of infinite reason and thought, realize that there are some who would still doubt my greatness, even as I explain away my presence in the Stupid Army. Very well--perhaps these impudent few need more reason hammered into their thick skulls.

Well, my only imperfection is the Fire Dragon skill I know. No matter how skilled I become, it always backfires on me--every single time! Yet there is a rune out there that allows this imperfection of mine to cease in existence, and it is called the Fire Sealing Rune, or something along those lines. When it became embedded on my hand, I was no longer a subject to flames, be it my own or an enemy's, and therefore my only imperfection was fixed.

My physical strength is another indication of my greatness. It is true that I do not bear the massive power of… say, a battalion of soldiers, nor do I have the sheer brute strength of… say, a cave of bears, but I very well come close to both. Answer me this--do you know any other magically-skilled persons with half the power of my own self? Think about it. I may very well be the strongest wizard you'll ever meet--at least in terms of physical power. Not only do my burning fists of rage hit an enemy once, but twice--twice I say again, and each time a scorching slap of uncontrolled power, flame, and magnificence! Aha, do I not sway you even now?

I see there are some out there who still doubt my abilities. Well, let me place your questions to rest with this next little detail. I am most happy to say that I was chosen to be among the first warriors who engaged Luca Blight in combat. Not only was I one of the lucky fifteen, I was in Lord Riou's party itself! Obviously, his team would have to consist of the strongest, fiercest, and most able bodies in all of the Stupid Army, so of course he selected me! And to add to that, not only was I in the front row, but the very center--quite possibly the best place to be! Ah, the glory!

Now start placing things together and you will see why we won against such a dreadful monster as Luca Blight. I will admit that I would've had trouble if I had to face him alone, so I suppose even I needed help vanquishing that beast. But allow me to boast yet again when I say that his wild attacks of fire did absolutely no damage to me whatsoever! Yes, that's correct! I was able to utilize all of my wonderful skills on the poor tyrant, yet he was unable to do a thing to me, unless one factored in that beastly sword of his. So, in theory, I was quite indestructible against such a monster.

There are some who say that my skills became less useful once that nasty wolf was gone, but to those people, I say "HA!" My skills became even more necessary after that! Did you know that the undead hold a particular dislike to fire? And did you know that I, out of all the wizards and rune-wielders, knew the flames the best? Aha! And did you know that, not long after our battle with Luca Blight, we were forced upon an army of the undead, which I did so brilliantly slaughter? Aha, yes! It was I who helped vanquish so many ruthless zombies, along with their vampiric king! Thus my magnificence is at long last proven!

For those who still doubt, allow me a brief time to scoff--no, a long time to scoff. My skills do not end with skeletons and zombies, no! Not by a long shot! They continued! On, into the war, when a dreadful assassin attempted to remove Lord Riou from this mortal plane! It was discovered that this dark-skinned assassin had a penchant for using fire magic, and WHOM would Riou go to in order to defeat such an antagonist?

Me.

(Yawn), and so, I became priceless yet again, and helped him beat this beautiful and deadly assassin. HA! Her flames were useless against me, yet mine scorched her body like the pools of Hell! True, there were other methods to her attack, but up against a powerful, charming, and skilled wizard such as myself, was there any chance of her succeeding? No, I am happy to say--there was not.

And so, in conclusion, when one adds up all the wonderful things about me, and all the seemingly-unconquerable villains I helped topple, is there really any room for doubt? But ah, being the wise man I am, I have already thought ahead and considered those too stubborn to listen to reason! Aha, fools! I have not yet begun to fight! For though my usefulness seemed to end once the war was over, it had in fact really only begun! Not only was I one of the greatest heroes of such a war, but I was even elected to be Supreme Instructor for the magically-inept (which I believe to be everyone).

Ha! Can you not believe me now?? The instructor for novice magicians! It was my skills and my abilities that obviously prompted Lord Shu to beg for my assistance, and seeing the desperate look in his wise eyes, I decided to grace his livelihood and accept the occupation for teaching young mages. Now I have been given the honorable burden of instructing such low-class wizards, and it makes my humble heart sing to the heavens that I have been selected (out of so many, might I add) to perform such a duty! But, then again, was there ever a doubt in your minds? There was not a one in my own.

But for good measure, I must also include my dashing good looks. After all, a flower with great thorns, that has no beauty, is but a weed. My own thorns were these blazing hands of mine and the Fire Dragon, but of course the rosy petals are my own face and body. (Sigh), it is difficult to endure the hot jealousy of surrounding men! Day by day, they all give me an envious glare, wishing that their charms and grace were even half the equivalent of my own!

And needless to say, the ladies have no complaints at all! Why, just the other day, I received an anonymous yet eloquent letter from one particular woman who claimed to have harbored an interest in me, almost since she first laid her delicate eyes upon my frame! I could not blame the lass for her attraction--indeed, who could? I was only surprised that I received such letters from so few people, but the mere quantity of these letters, and not the number of people they came from, more than made up for the loss. Perhaps only a handful of ladies were really brave enough to admit their feelings (on paper, sure, but I am rather intimidating!), but this handful seemed sufficient when one considered the mass of letters they gave me! In layman's terms, I received a boatload!

Ah, and like a true dashing rogue, I was left to wonder who would send me such notes. It was obviously somebody of very high class--perhaps Lady Teresa or Miss Leona, and if I am not mistaken, I do believe that General Valeria might've slipped a note in the pile, as well. Well, no matter who dropped them by my door, it was clear that they all desired the same thing--myself--and that, as flattered as I was, I had the wicked privilege of choosing one out of so many. Perhaps, though, the ladies would understand if I affiliated myself with them all, but I am not so self-centered as to whore myself around. One rose can be as lovely as a dozen.

Well, friends, by now there should be no doubt in your minds, concerning my greatness. I have proved, through indisputable evidence, that I am a step beyond even the most fantastic wizards, for not only do I have the great skills and defenses that one would expect, but I am also physically stronger than any mage in the world, and I am probably better-looking, as well. I have been an integral key in fighting some of the most horrible villains this world has known, and I have even been given the honor of molding younger mages into a much finer image, though I daresay that maybe only one out of the whole lot will ever really exceed me. As difficult as it is to believe, there are stronger fighters and wizards out there (i.e. Crowley, Mazus; Ron Chan-Chan, Morgan), but never one possessing both skills.

So, in conclusion, I have lived up to every single one of my claims, and thus, there is really no reason why I should ever be out of the party's circulation, unless the strategy calls for something very specific and I am completely unable to fit the description. This rarely happens, as you can imagine, so in fact I should never be more than a stone's throw away. (Sigh), it is so hard to have a multitude of talents, but I do somehow manage. I am Zamza, after all, so I can handle it. I would not consider myself great if I could not.

The End

Closing comment: I'm not a big fan of Zamza myself, but I have to admit that he's bloody useful if you give him the Fire Sealing Rune, or whatever it is that nullifies fire attacks. Both Luca Blight and Lucia are pyromaniacs, so yes--Zamza is nearly indestructible in those battles. Oh, and as for the person with the crush on him, it's Hanna. :o) But don't tell Zamza, okay? Poor guy would go into cardiac arrest if he knew…