Starving Artist: The Tale of Rikimaru
I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!!! NOBODY CROSSES RIKIMARU AND LIVES!!! I SWEAR ON THE LIVES OF ALL THOSE YOU'VE RUINED THAT YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU FILTH!!!!!!
……
……
……Oh man, am I hungry!!!
……I mean, really hungry!
…I gotta find somethin' to eat, or I'll die!
I'm starving! Famished! Hungry! Emaciated! Withering away! I've fasted too much! I'm delusional! Food!! ……FOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
Hungry… hungry…
This sucks!!!!
…Ah, ah! Is it true? Is it true? Is that really a restaurant there? …Oh man, it IS one! It is! I'm so hungry, I could eat everything in sight! …Now, lessee, where's my wallet…? Ah, oh yeah, it's right here in my tunic. Hehe, and full of money! I'll be eating well tonight!!
(Munch… munch… munch…)
(Gobble… snarf… snap…)
AAH! THAT feels better! HA! …Oh man, I was starving! I musta eaten this place out of everything it had in stock! Well… guess I better get back on the road! …Huh? The bill? Oh, right… Now where'd I put my wallet…?
Hmm… it was right here, just a second ago…
…No, I have the money… just hold on a sec…
Hold on…
Hold on…
…………
…………Uhh…
…I don't seem to have it.
…AIEEE!!! Thieves! There must be thieves! They musta taken my wallet when I wasn't lookin'! Those scoundrels! I'll kill them for this! They're gonna pay!!
…Uhh, yeah, uh, speaking of "payment"……
…Huh? I gotta do what?! …You're kidding!!!
…You're not kidding. Aw, craaaaaap……
Rikimaru's Rule #1: Washing dishes sucks!
Rikimaru's Rule #2: Always know where your wallet is.
Rikimaru's Rule #3: Never eat more than you can afford, no matter how hungry you are.
Whew! I finally finished washing all those dishes! Man! I thought it'd take me forever to get them all done! Heh, heh, I must've eaten up a storm in there, heh! Heh!
…Anyway, I guess I better get back on the road. Now, where was I goin' again?
…
…Ah yeah! I was going… "here"… and also… "there"… and over… "that way"… ahuh! Yeah, now I remember! Ha, my mind is better than any map! …Now, uh, time to exact my revenge! Yes! Hahaha! It's finally time I get you back for what you did to me, and all those others! I swear, on my sword and on my soul, that you won't get away with your crime! That's right, buddy! Rikimaru's here for you, and he's MAD! He's not gonna take your excuses no more! Prepare to be turned into shish-ka-bob!
…(Traveling… walking… seeing the land…)
Rikimaru's Rule #4: When traveling, be sure to carry with you all the essentials. Clothes and money, clothes and money, and a good weapon to fend off the bandits. Don't take food, unless it doesn't spoil. Ya never know how long you're gonna be travelin'…
…Days pass. Man! Nowhere in sight! Guess I'll stop on by the nearest town and see if anybody's gotten any word. I hear that lots of people stop in the bars, and since I'm kinda thirsty myself, I might as well go check the place out!
Hey, yo! Anybody seen… "this guy"? Yeah, he's… "this" tall, and looks… just like "this". He's from… "here", but he's been goin' everywhere, tryin' to avoid me! Say, while we're at it, can I have some whiskey? Just a snifter will do; I gotta be somewhere in a hurry.
Yeah, of course I got the money! See, here! Bahh, miserly old man… …Huh? Oh, uh, not you sir, I meant the guy I'm chasing. Yeah, he makes you look like a, uh, a youngster, and he's reeeeally stingy when it comes to money, specially' my own! HA! Hey, did I ever tell you about the time……
Rikimaru's Rule #5: Never, under any circumstances, start a story while drunk. You'll never finish it.
…and then, I barely managed to get outta that place without my whole body bein' smashed to pieces! Yeah, it sure was a big mess, but I guess it was better that I got outta there than those other guys! Hehehehehehehe!!! …HEY, how about s'more whiskey?
Rikimaru's Rule #6: Never brag about something that never happened to you.
…so I started them off, but soon, they both turned on me! Yeah, both of them!
…but it was on the OTHER side! I had been pressing the wrong switch all this time!
…yeah, I definitely saved his life. Course', I'm in his debt now, but I dunno how he can repay me!
…I once caught a fish TTTTTHHHHHIIIIISSSSS big!!! It's no joke! Ask my buddy! He was there!
…and so, I said to him, "You can kiss my slimy, dirty foot for all I care!" And just to show it to him, I kicked him right in the head!!
…yeah, she definitely fell for me. I guess I have that charm!!
Rikimaru's Rule #7: Never brag about fish, fights, or women, no matter what kind of company you're in. TRUST me on this one!
…JERKS!!!!!!
Rikimaru's Rule #8: Don't feel too bad if you're suddenly kicked out of somewhere. You haven't lived until you're violently thrown out of a door.
…I didn't need them! I have my own vendettas to take care of!
…Oh, crap! I, I was supposed to be chasin' somebody down, eh?! Aw, man! Crap! Where, where am I? Honest! I, I dunno where I am! I'm lost! AAAHHH!!!
Rikimaru's Rule #9: Don't get lost. Period.
…Well, glad I finally got outta that place. I think I know where I am now, so I might as well continue my journey and catch up to that guy. …Uh, where was he headed to again? Oh yeah, up north… Well, I'm not really in a rush--after all, revenge is a dish best served cold--so I figure I might as well enjoy the scenery while I can. Those places up north are where all the cities and towns are, with no grass or trees or mountains or anything. Just some lousy technology and buildings! Peh! Might's well take advantage of all this!
…Whew! Traveling is hard work! Better rest for awhile!!
…Hey, it's gettin' pretty dark out here. Ah well, might as well call it a night.
(HUUAAAAAAAHHHH… sleeeeeepy!!!)
Rikimaru's Rule #10: Never go to bed without first knowing what the weather will be like.
…Huh? Water?
…The tent! It's all wet!!!!!
…
…
…
…
…RAIN!? It's been raining all this time! I, I've been asleep……
(Crap… I'm such an ignoramus…)
Well, I… I needed a shower anyway! …Yeah, that's it! (sniff, sniff) Pshew! Boy! Whee! …Yeah, I needed a shower! …Well, no time like the present! Just open the flaps and…
……!!!!!!! AAAAAH!!! It's freezing!!!! The weather, it's…… d'gaaaaaaaaahhh!!!
Rikimaru's Rule #11: Never go anywhere cold wearing light clothes. The same applies for warm places.
Ughn, I'm s-starting to th-think that th-this m-may n-not b-be w-worth th-the trip…
…Heh, heh, heh, heh…
…Hey, I j-just th-thought of somethin'! What if… he's freezing too? …Yeah! He's gotta be shiverin' like a lil' kid! Heh, heh, heh… yeah! Yeah! He's just as cold as I am--probably. Hopefully. …I think. Ehh, who cares? I'm the one who's freezing out here! And in this rain! And wearing nothing but this stupid tunic! Huh! What a gyp!
…Ugh, oh man… I-I'm so hungry… I-I could eat a skunk… a bear… a lizard… a, a cat! A dog! A, a, a porcupine! Ugh, I'm so hungry I could eat a porcupine, quills and all! …Food… fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood……
So hungry… so huuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry… Can't… even… moooooooooove…
Gonna keel over!
Ker-plop!
This is the end! The end of Rikimaru! And I never got to find out where that… that guy was! I never got to avenge those people, OR myself! I, I, I…… Oh, man! This sucks!
Rikimaru's Rule #12: Life sometimes just plain sucks.
…(sniff)
…(sniff-sniff)
…Is that food I smell?
…(SNIFF!!!)
…It IS food! FOOD! I, I'm saved! Saved by the nose! URRRRGGGHHH, gotta get up! Gotta get there, fast! Can't… go on… much… longer!!!!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!
(munch, munch, munch, munch!!!)
(gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble!!!)
(snarf, snap, swallow, slurp!!!)
…………
(BBBBBBBUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPPPP!!!!!!)
WHEW!!!! Oh, MAN!!!! That hit the spot!!! M-m-m-m-man! I-I feel like I can do anything now! Yep, yep, now he'd better watch out, cuz' I'm back to full strength and ready to take him on!!!
…Bill? Money? Oh, yeah, sure, uh, right here…
Rikimaru's Rule #13: No matter how many rules there exist in the world, always remember the most important one of them all. You get that one right, and you're set for life. This one is, of course, the most basic rule of them all, so pay attention. No matter what you hear, or what you're led to believe, always remember to keep your wallet in a safe place, and that washing dirty dishes sucks.
The End