Me: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of Shadow in SatAM.
Dracomon: And I noticed a few people, including our old friend Ultrafan X, were nice enough to leave a review.
Me: In this chapter, we get to more serious bashing. It will hopefully be funny and not too insulting to all you readers out there.
Dracomon: We would like to mention that we are not sure Amy Rose actually appeared in the series, but Master decided to put her in anyway.
Me: I know she showed up in the comics. Now, I want to clear something up. I like Amy, I don't see anything wrong with her. The girl who's getting bashed in this chapter is not the Amy from Sega, so I figure it's all right to bash her.
Dracomon: If you are an Amy fan too, don't worry. The Sega Amy will probably never get bashed in one of Master's stories. In fact, she'll probably get something good! Master is just bashing her in this chapter to be funny.
Me: Well, enough of this intro, roll the chapter!
Dracomon: Yes Master!
Disclaimer: You already know this part.
While walking through the Great Forest, Sonic had explained all about the history of the current war with Robotnik while Tails was still hiding in fear from Shadow. As Sonic completed his history lesson, Shadow frowned. "So you're saying that the former king Acorn trusted Robotnik as his Warlord in the middle of a conflict with the same species as Robotnik, allowing him to engineer a coup from inside the government despite the fact that he was a human and everyone knew he was untrustworthy, but since the King trusted him he wouldn't listen to everyone's warnings and lost his throne to Robotnik?"
"Yeah, that's about it." Said Sonic.
"May I ask a question?" asked Shadow.
"Shoot." Said Sonic.
"WHAT WAS THE KING THINKING?" Shadow bellowed.
Sonic shrugged. "I dunno. I was just a way past cool three year old at the time he took over."
Shadow sighed. "Great, and now your king is stuck in some freaky extradimensional prison with a creepy wizard while that fat bastard is running most of the world, and a group of preteens are the only ones who actually are able to fight against the aforementioned fat bastard, correct?" Sonic nodded. "What kind of world is this?"
Sonic grinned. "Hey, it's Mobius, the way past coolest planet around! How come you don't know any of this, anyway? I'd think it would be common knowledge."
Shadow paused. "I've been frozen in a cryogenic capsule for the last fifty years, so I guess you could say I'm kind of out of the loop."
"Oh." Said Sonic. "How did you fall from such a high place anyway?"
"I was falling after I lost power and could no longer fly." Said Shadow truthfully.
"Oh, all right then." Said Sonic, who then started to whistle some annoying tune.
Shadow glanced in disbelief at Sonic. I tell him I was able to fly, and he just forgets about it? Either this world is stranger and more magical than I imagined, or he's an idiot. He thought.
"What was your name again? I forgot the last three times you told me who you were." Said Sonic.
Yes, he's an idiot. Thought Shadow. "For the last time, my name is Shadow." He said.
"WAAAAHHH!" cried Tails. "Even his name is scary!"
They both stared at him. "Was he dropped on his head or something?" asked Shadow.
Sonic scratched his head. "Maybe. We never knew his parents, it's possible."
"Hey, how much longer until we reach this Knothole place anyway?" asked Shadow.
Sonic scowled. "We would be there a lot faster if you weren't so slow!"
Shadow froze. "What did you just say?"
"I said you were slow!" Sonic said a little angrily.
Shadow's blood curdled. "Exactly where is Knothole from here, Sonic?" he asked calmly.
"It's exactly south, why?" asked the blue hedgehog.
"I challenge you to a race. First hedgehog to reach the village is the fastest thing alive." Said Shadow.
Sonic stared at him for a second. Then he fell to the floor and started rolling around in laughter. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-gasp-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-gasp-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-gasp-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are challenging me, the fastest, bluest, most way past coolest guy around to a race?" Shadow nodded. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"
"Enough! I'm serious!" growled Shadow.
Sonic blinked and got up. "You actually want to race me to Knothole? Fine. But whichever one of us gets there last has to buy the other a boatload of chili dogs!"
Shadow was confused. "Chili dogs? What are those?"
Sonic gasped. "You don't know what chili dogs are? They're only the best, most way past coolest food ever created!"
"If you say so." Said Shadow. "Shall we race?"
"Yeah, okay." Said Sonic.
Tail screamed and latched onto Sonic's leg. "No Sonic don't! He'll eat your brains! Your braaaaaaiiiiiiiins!"
The hedgehogs stared at the fox. "Would you like me to get him off?" asked Shadow.
"Would you?" Sonic begged.
Shadow grabbed Tails by his tails and ripped him off of Sonic. The kitsune started crying and screaming. Shadow dropped him and walked back over to Sonic. "Shall we race now?"
"Let's." said Sonic. They stood together, facing south. They crouched down. "You realize you're going to be owing me a lot of chili dogs after this." Said Sonic.
"Somehow I doubt that. GO!" They leapt out of their crouches and started dashing through the forest. Tails, realizing he was being left behind, quickly got up and started flying after them. At first, Sonic and Shadow were neck and neck. But after a few minutes, Shadow started to pull ahead. Sonic tried to go even faster, but just ended up falling further behind with each second. In no time at all, Shadow was half a mile ahead of Sonic and he hadn't even broken a sweat. "Wow, this dimension's Sonic is pathetic! He can't even catch up with me!" said Shadow. "Perhaps all these 'chili dogs', whatever they may be, are probably bad for his health." He continued running, or skating, in silence, observing the scenery as he dashed past it at nearly supersonic speed. After some time, he stopped at the top of a hill. He looked down and saw a semi-large village made of crude huts and buildings. "Huh, guess this is the place. I should probably wait until that even faker version of Sonic gets here."
After five minutes, Sonic showed up, panting and having trouble breathing. "No…gasp…way…wheeze…I'm the…huff…way past…puff…coolest guy ever…" He collapsed on the ground.
"Are you all right?" asked Shadow, concerned.
Tails caught up to them, seeing Sonic lying on the ground. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! You've killed Sonic! Stay away from me, you monster! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Sonic moaned and struggled to get to his feet. "Tails, I'm fine, just really winded!"
Tails stopped for a moment. "Oh. AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"I'm really starting to think something is wrong with him." Said Shadow.
"Tell me about it." Said Sonic. He shook his head. "I don't get it! How could you possibly be faster than me?"
"Well, you seem slightly out of shape. Perhaps you should cut down on these chili dogs of yours." Suggested Shadow.
Sonic gasped and pointed at Shadow. "BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASHPHEMER! BLASPHE-"
"Okay, forget it!" yelled Shadow. "The other most likely reason is that I am the Ultimate Lifeform."
Sonic stared at him stupidly. "What's that?"
Shadow thought for a second, trying to find the best way to describe it. "Well, it means I was created from a combination of Chaos radiation and genetic protomatter by scientists to become the strongest, fastest, most powerful living being to date."
Sonic blinked. "But-but I'M supposed to be the strongest, fastest, most powerful living being to date! Why can't I be the Ultimate Lifeform?" whined Sonic.
"Because you are not worthy. So, I believe you owe me some of these 'chili dogs' you were talking about?" Shadow said.
Sonic blushed. "Well, that's kind of a funny thing, I'm flat broke."
Shadow rolled his eyes. "So you were bluffing? Actually, I don't even know what kind of currency is used around here. I doubt you accept dollars."
"Dollars? What are dollars?" Sonic asked in confusion.
"Never mind, it's not important. You told me we had to come here to organize or something so we could get back my Chaos Emerald." Said Shadow, a little urgently.
"Oh yeah, I completely forgot about that! Come on, let's go down to the village." Said Sonic.
They started down the hill. "By the way, how is it Robotnik has never found this place? It seems to me all he has to do to find the village is send out a legion of aerial robots or ships to look for smoke rising from your chimneys, or an army of wood-chopping robots, or just burn the forest to the ground. Why hasn't he done any of that?" asked Shadow.
Sonic slapped his hand over Shadow's mouth. "Quiet! Do you want to give him any ideas?"
"Sorry." Said Shadow after Sonic had removed his hand.
"It's okay. Come on!" Sonic said, sounding impatient. They entered the village. Anthropomorphs stopped to say hello to them now and then before continuing on their business. "We should find Sally. She'll know what to do! She always has a plan!"
"If you say so. Who is this Sally you keep talking about anyway?" asked Shadow.
"Oh, she's the daughter of King Max. Since he's stuck in the Void, she's in charge. She's always keeping me from going out and just busting Robotropolis to rubble because it's supposedly too dangerous and Robotnik may have built some horrible life-draining machine that will kill me and destroy Knothole after it sucks the coordinates out of my brain." Said Sonic.
Shadow raised an eyebrow. "A little paranoiac, isn't she?"
Sonic growled and slapped Shadow. "Don't you dare say that about my chick!"
Shadow winced. "Sorry, sorry. She's your girlfriend, I take it?"
"No, she just makes really good chili dogs when the restaurant's closed." Said Sonic.
"Oh." Said Shadow.
They walked for a little further, Tails still cowering in fear of Shadow. As the trio passed by a hut with lots of flowers in front of it, the occupant looked out the window, gasped, and headed for the door. The door to the hut burst open so hard it fell off its hinges. The person standing in the door frame was a strangely familiar pink hedgehog that looked a lot like Amy Rose, except that she was younger and didn't seem to have developed much, if you understand me. Did I forget to mention she was completely naked? Silly me. "Hi Sonic!" she screamed in a voice high enough to break glass. Actually, it did crack the glass of a few nearby windows. Many villagers stared at her in revulsion. After all, she was completely naked. (By the way, I think I know why it's okay for the guy animals to walk around without anything on, but the girls usually have clothes. It's because they have a certain something men don't, I bet. You know what I mean.) As Sonic stuttered and started backing away, the parallel Amy ran over and glomped Shadow, knocking him to the ground.
Shadow was having trouble breathing for two reasons. One, this strange version of Amy was hugging him so hard it felt like one of his adamantium-reinforced ribs was starting to crack. Second, this Amy didn't seem to have bathed in a long time. She smelled like about a hundred pounds of manure sitting in a pile of rotten food left out in the sun all day in the middle of a garbage dump. Yes, she smelled that bad. "I'm…not…Sonic!" he managed to say.
She stared at him for a moment, then giggled. "You're so silly Sonic! Painting yourself black and red just to see if I would recognize you! I knew you loved me! Now give me a kiss!"
As she leaned closer, Shadow started choking. If he thought the hedgehog smelled bad, her breath was worse! Amy's breath smelled somewhat like her body odor, except it was added with the rancid stench of radioactive waste, plus a mountain of cheese left outside for approximately three thousand years. "Amy, stop!" yelled Sonic.
Amy turned her head, allowing Shadow to breathe a little easier. She gasped, her breath causing all the grass within a yard and every flower nearby to wither and die. "Eeeeeeeeeee! Two Sonics?! That means I can have two of you to love, one to mate with whenever I want and one to…um…also mate with whenever I want!"
Sonic recoiled. He could smell her all the way from where she was standing. "Amy, when was the last time you took a bath?"
She curled up her lip in confusion, actually trying to think while having a death grip on Shadow. She stayed like that for ten minutes, as the villagers shook their heads and left, not wanting anything to do with this. "What was the question again?" she asked finally.
Sonic groaned. "I said, when was the last time you took a bath?"
Amy curled up her lip in thought. Twenty minutes later, she finally had an answer. "Oh yeah! I've been spending the last week worshipping the life-size effigy in my Sonic shrine by spending every second of every day in complete bodily contact with it and kissing it to make you love me!" she said cheerfully.
Sonic felt like throwing up. "And how does this account for your smell?"
Amy looked confused. "Smell?" She sniffed the air. "What smell? All I can smell is the fragrance of my beloved effigy of you!"
"What is this effigy made of?" asked Shadow.
Amy spent another ten minutes before she answered. "I made it out of some things I found in the Robotropolis waste plant!"
Sonic now looked like he would really throw up. "Amy, do you think you could please get off Shadow? He kind of needs to breathe."
Amy shook her head. "No! I will not get off of this second you until I make love to him in public!" She turned her head down to face Shadow, her rancid breath washing over his face. "Ready to take me into yourself, Sonikku?"
Shadow's eyes bulged. "CHAOS CONTROL!" In a flicker, Amy was suddenly trussed up in chains. Her hands and feet were shackled together, and another shackle bound her neck, keeping her from moving her head about too freely. A muzzle was strapped tightly to her face to keep her from opening her mouth. Shadow stood over her, panting. "Well, that was too close." He said.
Sonic blinked. "What did you just do?"
Shadow looked up from the bound and struggling Amy. "Hm? Oh, I just froze time long enough for me to get Amy off me, run down to the supply depot, pick up these bonds, and get back here in time to wrap her up before the time freeze ended. I kind of cut it close, but I think ten seconds was more than enough time to do all that."
Sonic pouted. "Why can't I freeze time?"
Tails shivered and started wailing again. "Sonic, the scary monster can stop time! That means he can suddenly rip out your organs right when you think everything's okay! Save me from him!"
The hedgehogs stared at him. "I'm really thinking there's something wrong with that kid." Said Shadow. "So, what do we do with this demented maniac? She seriously needs to be cleaned up and set straight."
Sonic waved it off. "Just leave her out for a while, somebody will take care of her. Maybe. Now come on, we've got to see Sally!"
"Okay. Are any of your other friends this insane?" asked Shadow.
"No, they're fine. Let's go!" Shadow followed Sonic as they headed past the huts of other friends of his. As they passed one of the huts, a huge explosion went off inside, shattering the windows and sending smoke out of every orifice. When Shadow made as if to run into the building, Sonic grabbed his shoulder. "Relax, that's just Rotor's place. He's the local gadget man. His place blows up once a day, sometimes twice!"
Shadow looked at the smoking hut apprehensively. "Are you sure he'll be fine?"
"Yeah, he'll be okay. Now come on, we're standing around too long! I need to keep moving!" They continued walking, going past a hut with a female rabbit who seemed to be part machine watering the flowers growing on her lawn. "That's Bunny, our resident cyborg. Hi Bunny!" The bionic rabbit looked up from her watering for a second to wave to Sonic, and accidentally poured liquid from her watering can onto her robotic foot. She immediately started to short circuit, screaming as her legs went out of control, causing her to run into the wall of her hut repeatedly. "See you later, Bunny!" Sonic yelled to her as he pulled Shadow and the fear-stricken Tail away.
"Sonic, shouldn't we help her?" asked Shadow.
"Nah, we've got no time. Besides, Rotor will just fix her up, if he's not dead or unconscious." Sonic said in a dismissive manner. Shadow wasn't so sure, but followed after Sonic anyway. They ended up passing a hut with a coyote wearing a ridiculous toupee and a formal suit practicing swishing a crappy-looking sword. "That's Antoine, our resident coward. Hi Antoine!" The coyote looked up, saw Shadow, screamed and ran into his hut.
Shadow frowned. "I don't get it! What's so scary about me?"
Sonic shrugged. "I dunno. Come on, we're almost at Sal's!" They kept going, reaching an open hut. Sonic walked in. Shadow followed and saw a nervous-looking female squirrel wearing a blue vest. "Hey Sally, I'm back!"
The squirrel looked up from her little handheld computer. "Sonic, where have you been? I was worried sick that you were captured by Robotnik's forces, or got injured, or a tree fell on you, or-"
"Relax, Sal! Look, I found the guy who caused that earthquake. Meet Shadow!" said Sonic, pointing to the black hedgehog.
"Hi." Said Shadow.
Sally frowned. "Sonic, you brought him to Knothole? How do you know he's trustworthy? He could be a spy, or a disguised robot, or-"
"Ma'am, I assure you that I am nothing more than a genetically engineered being designed to harness, absorb, and utilize Chaos energy." Reassured Shadow. "I'm only here to ask for help. A precious jewel of mine has fallen into the nearby city, and I need to get it back."
Sally frowned. "Does this jewel of yours happen to be able to generate an infinite amount of power?"
"Yes actually, it can!" said Shadow, surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I just got a message from Sonic's Uncle Chuck that Robotnik has found an energy source more powerful than anything else on Mobius! We have to immediately form a complicated plan to sneak into Robotropolis and steal the energy source before Robotnik uses it in his plans! Knowing him, he's probably already working on a way to use it to destroy us all in some fiendish weapon of mass destruction!" said Sally.
Snively kept his hand firmly over his eyes. "Sir, I'm not sure this is such a good idea." He said.
Robotnik was currently shirtless and wearing a Speedo. (Gah! The horror!) "Don't be ridiculous Snively, using this strange green gemstone to power my hot tub is a brilliant idea!" Robotnik started up the steps to his extremely large and bubbling hot tub. A cable led from it to a little box holding the Chaos Emerald in three claws. The fat man dipped his toe into the bubbling tub. "Ah, perfect!" he got in.
Snively, still not looking at his uncle for fear of going blind as a result, tried to argue. "But sir, wouldn't it be a much better idea to use the jewel as the focusing lens for some sort of giant laser cannon that we could use to completely destroy any target we wanted to?"
Robotnik looked at his nephew in confusion. "Why should I do a thing like that?"
Snively restrained himself from cursing at his boss. "Because, sir, we could aim it at the Great Forest and destroy it in a single shot, destroying Knothole and Sonic the Hedgehog!"
That got Robotnik's attention. He got out of the tub and walked to the other side of the room to grab a towel. "Very well Snively, we'll do it your way. I have an unfinished giant cannon that the gem can be used in. Get the cannon up and running by this afternoon or I'll give you a hundred lashings with a wet noodle!" Drying himself off, the dictator left the room.
Snively raised an eyebrow. "A wet noodle? Okay, I'm positive he's lost it now." Cluck flew out of nowhere, pecked the lackey several times on the head, and flew away. Snively groaned. "I hate my life."
Me: That's two chapters out of the way, and one to go! I hope you're enjoying this!
Dracomon: In the next chapter, this short tale of humor will be finished. I hope you bear with us, because Master still has a story or two coming up after this.
Me: See you next chapter, and don't forget to review!