The Wheel of Time belongs to Robert Jordan, I just play here.
Chapter 14
It was late afternoon that same day. The briefing of that morning had been relatively uneventful, especially compared to everything else that had happened lately. Jahar sat at Sheriam's desk in the anteroom, trying to make sense of a stack of papers and documents that were supposedly Elaida's budget and plans for the castle she had been building. He had offered his help earlier that day when Sheriam had felt about ready to climb the walls, and now he was getting pretty close to that point himself. Light, Elaida had been crazy, how the woman had ever made it to the Amyrlin Seat was beyond him.
He leaned back with a sigh, reaching for his cup of spiced wine. It had grown cold, and he channeled to warm it. After a few sips, he put the goblet down and reached for the papers again, when a knock on the door interrupted him.
"Come," he called and opened the door from where he sat, lacking the energy to actually get up.
He immediately recognised the short, plump Aes Sedai who entered, although he had not yet spoken to her. She had been one of Elaida's Red Sitters in the Hall, the one who had taken their arrival and the Amyrlin's subsequent announcements in a stoic manner. Sheriam had identified her as Pevara. Now, too, she looked at him perhaps a little hesitant, but with nothing like the open shock the other Reds had displayed when he met them. She wore a simple, dark dress and a shawl with the fringes cut off. He had seen a few other of those who had been Reds with a shawl like that. It was yet another way of the sisters to make clear to everyone the Red Ajah was truly gone. And not in the least to those who had been Reds, of course.
"The Amyrlin and the Keeper are in conference with some of the Sitters, it will be a while before they can see you," he told her.
For just a moment she did look nervous. Her dark eyes flitted at the ground for an instant, but then she looked straight at him, unblinking. "I did not come for them. I came to see you."
"Me?" Jahar asked, caught off-guard. "Why?"
"I'm Pevara, but you probably already know that."
He nodded silently.
"I just want to speak to you, but well," she hesitated a moment. "I've heard how some of the Reds have treated you and if you want me to leave, I understand."
Jahar looked at her intently. Everyone in the Tower knew about Duhara. He knew Sheriam and the Amyrlin had not spoken about it, but Lyrelle had not let the chance slide to talk about the ex-Sitter's naïve foolishness for all to hear. Sheriam had been the source of the account of Sylviana's impulsive reaction. It had infuriated her and she'd had no reservations making Elaida's Mistress of the Novices an example. But Pevara showed none of this extreme reactions of the others, addressing him as a normal person. He would do her the same courtesy.
"There will be no need for that," he said. "What do you want to see me about?"
"I have never been like most Reds," Pevara explained. "Oh, I don't ask for any special treatment, I got myself into this for mindlessly supporting Elaida no matter what she did." She fingered her shawl with a rueful laugh. "But I do not hate men like most of the others do, and I am glad the Taint is gone. I am just trying to understand, for all my life I have never met a man who wanted to channel. And now there are hundreds of you. Why did you start to learn?"
Jahar couldn't help but laugh and Pevara started back.
"I know I shouldn't have asked," she began.
Jahar held up his hand, interrupting her. "That's not it. It's just that for me, there wouldn't have been a choice. I would have channeled either way. I was just lucky that there was a place to learn. But I think I can still answer your question for I came to the Black Tower before I had started to channel, before I knew. Most of us are recruited for the Dragon's army, that's what they say at first, and it's true enough, but they do not say anything about channeling when they visit the towns and villages. Then coming to the Black Tower, and before the test, I think most really don't think they will be able to learn. I certainly didn't, neither did those who were with me or those I saw later when I helped test some of the new arrivals. It is the temptation of being able to do great things but it seems unlikely enough to actually make it through the test that few seriously worried about the Taint or anything else. And then, when we've actually felt Saidin, even the least bit, there's no way back." He looked at Pevara. "Could you have stopped channeling after even the first time you had felt the One Power, even if you knew it would make you mad?"
Pevara started to speak, then stopped. After a brief silence she said, "I guess not. But still, doesn't anyone stop from taking the test?"
"Some do, but not many. Don't forget that those of us who came with the recruiters had already decided to join the Dragon's army, even if we thought we would be fighting with swords. That is hardly a safe profession. I would rather face the Last Battle with the One Power than with only a sword, even before the Taint was gone."
Pevara nodded slowly. Jahar wasn't sure how much she understood, but she seemed sincere in her attempt.
"Why did you chose the Red?" he asked her in turn. "You certainly aren't like the other Reds I've met."
"Because of the Taint," she answered. "I am from Kandor, a town in the north near the Blight. When I was young my whole family was killed by Darkfriends, and I came here. The Taint and the Madness was a thing of the Dark One, so it seemed right to fight it."
"You know what it did to us," Jahar said flatly.
"You must have seen what the Madness can do," Pevara countered.
"Yes. Most of the time we would be able to get to them in time, when the Madness got someone," Jahar told her. "There was one time soon after I had come to the Black Tower that Steph lost it on the Training Grounds. He tore down the baker's house before anyone could stop him, killing the baker and his apprentice, even though there were many of us right there. I can imagine what would happen if no one who can channel is around. But even so, I can not pretend I like it that I was condemned just for being born this way."
"I did what I had to do, there was no way to stop the Taint," Pevara said.
Jahar frowned. "I think what bothers me is that you stopped looking," he said slowly. "No, I doubt anyone could have done what the Lord Dragon did at Shadar Logoth, I'm not sure even a full circle could have done that, but the point is for two thousand years no one tried, no one even thought to try because everyone knew it was impossible. Well, things change. Stilling was impossible to Heal, too, but now Nynaeve and Damer have both figured it out, because they refused to believe it was impossible. What is done is done, and it might not have worked, but I can't help but wonder if the Taint could have been cleansed before if everyone had not been so bloody sure it was impossible for all that time."
"We have never been good at looking at the new," Pevara admitted quietly. "None of the Ajahs are. But I realise that is a sorry excuse for those who were taken."
"Yes it is," Jahar said curtly, but he did not really feel angry with the short Aes Sedai. The past was over, it could not be changed, and he would let it go. "What are you going to do now that the Red is no more?" he asked her.
She shook her head glumly. "It will be so many years before I will be allowed into any of the Ajahs again, I do not even think of that."
At that moment the gong rang for Dinner and she jumped. "Light, I must go, Moria will have my skin," Pevara gasped. She looked panicky as if she wanted to rush off but did not want to leave without his permission. Of course, like all of Elaida's Sitters she would be made to work hard all day, and the Blue was unlikely to be gentle with her if she was late for any of her chores.
"Then go," he urged her, not unkindly. She rushed out the door as he watched her leave.
Sheriam was alone at her desk when Tiana came in, looking upset.
"I have to see the Amyrlin," the Grey said.
"What do you need to see her about?" Sheriam inquired, although she had a pretty good idea.
"Sjani has been teaching that new girl, Genet, some things not even all Aes Sedai should learn, and she absolutely refuses to listen to reason," Tiana answered.
"I see," Sheriam got up and walked to the inner room to announce Tiana to the Amyrlin. She had told the Amyrlin about Genet and her training at the Black Tower, and ever since the Amyrlin had forbidden her from intervening right away, she had known a visit from Tiana was inevitable. The only thing that surprised her was that it had taken the Mistress of the Novices almost a week to show up.
The Amyrlin sighed when she announced Tiana but of course she, too, had been expecting this. "All right, show her in."
Tiana barely waited for the door to the Amyrlin's Study to close behind her before starting off. Sheriam looked at her disapprovingly but the Grey did not even notice. "Mother, you have to do something about Sjani! I have a novice who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to use the One Power to sweep the floor or to heat the water, and whose idea of novice exercises includes blowing up large rocks. Then when I put a stop to it, Sjani goes on teaching her regardless and tries to give me all kinds of rubbish about the Last Battle."
"Rubbish?", the Amyrlin asked calmly.
Tiana was clearly caught unawares by the Amyrlin's reaction, and she looked at Sheriam, who also looked as calmly as ever. "You knew," she said accusingly.
"Not in all detail, but I had a general idea," the Amyrlin said.
"Other novices are trying to pick up her habits at chore time, and are asking her to show them the weaves, you have to put a stop to this!" Tiana exclaimed.
The Amyrlin sighed. "Daughter, I have heard those words a lot this past week, and most of it has to do with those coming from the Black Tower. Asha'man are coming and going all day long, and most sisters who are strong enough to learn are Travelling the other way so much I could as well open a Gateway and tie it off. Mikhael has for all practical purposes moved into the Green's quarters, Gabrelle can never be found, and then Beyaelle drops in just long enough to announce she is moving out and starts packing her things. Do you have any idea how many of those who were Reds were in here then, demanding I stop her from leaving? I do not know what reasons I could give to hold a full Aes Sedai in the Tower against her will, but they demanded I stop her just the same. At least she had the sense to come alone, without her Asha'man, or there would have been a riot." She let out another sigh. "I am not fully comfortable with everything that has been happening either, but things are changing. I could put a stop to some of these, but I am not sure if I should, for I can not stop the Wheel from turning."
"All of these are full Aes Sedai and, and those men," Tiana sounded exasperated, then glanced quickly at Sheriam, who did not react. "But Sjani is directly interfering with my authority. You can not allow that to continue."
"I will speak to Sjani and tell her to not go against your authority again," the Amyrlin promised.
Tiana opened her mouth to thank her, then halted as she clearly felt a major 'but' coming.
"But the lessons will continue and the channeling for chores will be allowed. For all novices," the Amyrlin went on.
Tiana stared at her in shock. "You can not be serious, you can not do that."
"I can and I will," the Amyrlin replied. "If anything, I have waited too long with this already."
The Grey gasped. "What Sjani does is totally irresponsible, it is dangerous to push anyone so hard."
"I was pushed as hard," the Amyrlin said. "The Wheel will not wait until we are good and ready, there is not much time left until the Last Battle and the more channelers I have who can handle themselves in a battle, the better."
"Has Sjani spoken with you?" Tiana asked.
"No, she has not," the Amyrlin answered truthfully.
In fact, it had been Lord Bryne, now Captain General of the Tower Guard, who had pressed for all of those who could handle enough of the One Power to learn offensive and defensive weaves, whether Aes Sedai, Accepted or novice, and Jahar had supported him. Gareth Bryne often spoke with Jahar since he was the only one who had actually been in a battle where both sides fought with the Power, at the Wells, and in Altara against the Seanchan. In the siege at the Tower they had Travelled in, and used the One Power to block off the harbours, but only a little Saidar had been used in actual combat. Furthermore, there had been disturbing reports earlier that week when Jahar had gone to Cairhien. Damer and Corele had Travelled extensively across the south, in Altara, Amadicia, Tarabon and even as far north as Murandy and Ghealdan. The Seanchan were spread far and wide, and while they had not been able to get actually into any Seanchan camps, there seemed to be a great number of damane just about everywhere.
"There will be several measures taken to ensure the safety of the Tower in case of a Seanchan attack and in the Last Battle," Sheriam said smoothly. She wasn't any happier about it, and a year ago she, too, would have tried to hold on to the old ways. But the events since then had taught her that it ignoring or denying those things she did not like did not make them go away.
"If the situation is that dire, then I have no choice but to follow your orders, Mother," Tiana said reluctantly. "But I do not like it."
"Noted, daughter, noted," the Amyrlin replied.
Sheriam had her own reasons for being uneasy about the sisters and Asha'man Travelling between the Towers. Their involuntary bond reminded her of what she would have to do. It had only been a very short time since she had bonded Jahar, but in those weeks she had come to depend on him more than she could ever have thought. Even though it had been such a brief time, she no longer felt the emptiness in him. Sometimes there were brief flashes of hurt or anger, but nothing like it had been at first, and the most dangerous spells of indifference were completely gone. Perhaps it was because he could channel that he had been able to get over Merise's death so quickly, and also he had been bonded to her for such a short while.
Myrelle had explained she believed the bond grew over time. Of course, the initial waves formed the bond itself, and the effects would be felt from that very moment on if the bond was broken, but she believed the normal feelings and emotions that any two people who lived and worked close together built up between them were somehow intertwined into the bond itself, the result being much more than just the sum of bond and non-Power relationship. One of her two Warders she had saved, Nuhel, had been bonded for only two years, and he had been much quicker to adjust than Avar, who had been with his first sister for nearly eighteen. Sheriam herself had never before been so deeply aware of the workings of the bond itself.
Whatever the reasons, the fact remained that Jahar no longer needed her bond to survive, and while she'd had no other choice at the time she had still bonded him without being able to ask. Soon she would have to make him an offer she hoped with all her heart he would refuse.
She finally spoke to him the evening after Tiana's visit.
"Jahar, I have to talk to you about something," she started.
He looked at her, concerned, feeling her uneasiness. Light, he would not need the bond to notice she was nervous, she knew she sounded it. "What is wrong?" he asked softly.
"Nothing is wrong," she said carefully. "In fact, quite the opposite." She still fidgeted, trying to find the right words. Of course she thought she knew what his answer would be, but hope could play tricks on the mind, even as an Aes Sedai, and besides she would have to ask no matter what.
"When you came here, I had to bond you. Several sisters wanted to get a Green, but I never regretted taking your bond myself, and I never will. I've come to depend on you more than I would care to admit to anyone else," she continued. "But I could not ask you at the time, and no matter what the circumstances I do not approve of bonding without permission. You no longer need my bond to survive, I can ask you now. If you want me to, I will release you of your bond." There, she had said it.
Jahar looked at her silently for what seemed like forever but probably was only a few moments. "Thank you, it means a lot to me that you give me the choice," he replied seriously. "But I am your Warder now, Sheriam, I will not leave you."
Sheriam had not known she was holding her breath until she let it out then. She laughed a relieved smile and saw her happiness reflected in his dark eyes. "You don't know how much I had hoped you would say that," she said sincerely, relief flooding through her. As he returned her smile she thought she could actually feel the bond change as their feelings of trust and mutual respect settled into the weaves itself.
Chapter 14
It was late afternoon that same day. The briefing of that morning had been relatively uneventful, especially compared to everything else that had happened lately. Jahar sat at Sheriam's desk in the anteroom, trying to make sense of a stack of papers and documents that were supposedly Elaida's budget and plans for the castle she had been building. He had offered his help earlier that day when Sheriam had felt about ready to climb the walls, and now he was getting pretty close to that point himself. Light, Elaida had been crazy, how the woman had ever made it to the Amyrlin Seat was beyond him.
He leaned back with a sigh, reaching for his cup of spiced wine. It had grown cold, and he channeled to warm it. After a few sips, he put the goblet down and reached for the papers again, when a knock on the door interrupted him.
"Come," he called and opened the door from where he sat, lacking the energy to actually get up.
He immediately recognised the short, plump Aes Sedai who entered, although he had not yet spoken to her. She had been one of Elaida's Red Sitters in the Hall, the one who had taken their arrival and the Amyrlin's subsequent announcements in a stoic manner. Sheriam had identified her as Pevara. Now, too, she looked at him perhaps a little hesitant, but with nothing like the open shock the other Reds had displayed when he met them. She wore a simple, dark dress and a shawl with the fringes cut off. He had seen a few other of those who had been Reds with a shawl like that. It was yet another way of the sisters to make clear to everyone the Red Ajah was truly gone. And not in the least to those who had been Reds, of course.
"The Amyrlin and the Keeper are in conference with some of the Sitters, it will be a while before they can see you," he told her.
For just a moment she did look nervous. Her dark eyes flitted at the ground for an instant, but then she looked straight at him, unblinking. "I did not come for them. I came to see you."
"Me?" Jahar asked, caught off-guard. "Why?"
"I'm Pevara, but you probably already know that."
He nodded silently.
"I just want to speak to you, but well," she hesitated a moment. "I've heard how some of the Reds have treated you and if you want me to leave, I understand."
Jahar looked at her intently. Everyone in the Tower knew about Duhara. He knew Sheriam and the Amyrlin had not spoken about it, but Lyrelle had not let the chance slide to talk about the ex-Sitter's naïve foolishness for all to hear. Sheriam had been the source of the account of Sylviana's impulsive reaction. It had infuriated her and she'd had no reservations making Elaida's Mistress of the Novices an example. But Pevara showed none of this extreme reactions of the others, addressing him as a normal person. He would do her the same courtesy.
"There will be no need for that," he said. "What do you want to see me about?"
"I have never been like most Reds," Pevara explained. "Oh, I don't ask for any special treatment, I got myself into this for mindlessly supporting Elaida no matter what she did." She fingered her shawl with a rueful laugh. "But I do not hate men like most of the others do, and I am glad the Taint is gone. I am just trying to understand, for all my life I have never met a man who wanted to channel. And now there are hundreds of you. Why did you start to learn?"
Jahar couldn't help but laugh and Pevara started back.
"I know I shouldn't have asked," she began.
Jahar held up his hand, interrupting her. "That's not it. It's just that for me, there wouldn't have been a choice. I would have channeled either way. I was just lucky that there was a place to learn. But I think I can still answer your question for I came to the Black Tower before I had started to channel, before I knew. Most of us are recruited for the Dragon's army, that's what they say at first, and it's true enough, but they do not say anything about channeling when they visit the towns and villages. Then coming to the Black Tower, and before the test, I think most really don't think they will be able to learn. I certainly didn't, neither did those who were with me or those I saw later when I helped test some of the new arrivals. It is the temptation of being able to do great things but it seems unlikely enough to actually make it through the test that few seriously worried about the Taint or anything else. And then, when we've actually felt Saidin, even the least bit, there's no way back." He looked at Pevara. "Could you have stopped channeling after even the first time you had felt the One Power, even if you knew it would make you mad?"
Pevara started to speak, then stopped. After a brief silence she said, "I guess not. But still, doesn't anyone stop from taking the test?"
"Some do, but not many. Don't forget that those of us who came with the recruiters had already decided to join the Dragon's army, even if we thought we would be fighting with swords. That is hardly a safe profession. I would rather face the Last Battle with the One Power than with only a sword, even before the Taint was gone."
Pevara nodded slowly. Jahar wasn't sure how much she understood, but she seemed sincere in her attempt.
"Why did you chose the Red?" he asked her in turn. "You certainly aren't like the other Reds I've met."
"Because of the Taint," she answered. "I am from Kandor, a town in the north near the Blight. When I was young my whole family was killed by Darkfriends, and I came here. The Taint and the Madness was a thing of the Dark One, so it seemed right to fight it."
"You know what it did to us," Jahar said flatly.
"You must have seen what the Madness can do," Pevara countered.
"Yes. Most of the time we would be able to get to them in time, when the Madness got someone," Jahar told her. "There was one time soon after I had come to the Black Tower that Steph lost it on the Training Grounds. He tore down the baker's house before anyone could stop him, killing the baker and his apprentice, even though there were many of us right there. I can imagine what would happen if no one who can channel is around. But even so, I can not pretend I like it that I was condemned just for being born this way."
"I did what I had to do, there was no way to stop the Taint," Pevara said.
Jahar frowned. "I think what bothers me is that you stopped looking," he said slowly. "No, I doubt anyone could have done what the Lord Dragon did at Shadar Logoth, I'm not sure even a full circle could have done that, but the point is for two thousand years no one tried, no one even thought to try because everyone knew it was impossible. Well, things change. Stilling was impossible to Heal, too, but now Nynaeve and Damer have both figured it out, because they refused to believe it was impossible. What is done is done, and it might not have worked, but I can't help but wonder if the Taint could have been cleansed before if everyone had not been so bloody sure it was impossible for all that time."
"We have never been good at looking at the new," Pevara admitted quietly. "None of the Ajahs are. But I realise that is a sorry excuse for those who were taken."
"Yes it is," Jahar said curtly, but he did not really feel angry with the short Aes Sedai. The past was over, it could not be changed, and he would let it go. "What are you going to do now that the Red is no more?" he asked her.
She shook her head glumly. "It will be so many years before I will be allowed into any of the Ajahs again, I do not even think of that."
At that moment the gong rang for Dinner and she jumped. "Light, I must go, Moria will have my skin," Pevara gasped. She looked panicky as if she wanted to rush off but did not want to leave without his permission. Of course, like all of Elaida's Sitters she would be made to work hard all day, and the Blue was unlikely to be gentle with her if she was late for any of her chores.
"Then go," he urged her, not unkindly. She rushed out the door as he watched her leave.
Sheriam was alone at her desk when Tiana came in, looking upset.
"I have to see the Amyrlin," the Grey said.
"What do you need to see her about?" Sheriam inquired, although she had a pretty good idea.
"Sjani has been teaching that new girl, Genet, some things not even all Aes Sedai should learn, and she absolutely refuses to listen to reason," Tiana answered.
"I see," Sheriam got up and walked to the inner room to announce Tiana to the Amyrlin. She had told the Amyrlin about Genet and her training at the Black Tower, and ever since the Amyrlin had forbidden her from intervening right away, she had known a visit from Tiana was inevitable. The only thing that surprised her was that it had taken the Mistress of the Novices almost a week to show up.
The Amyrlin sighed when she announced Tiana but of course she, too, had been expecting this. "All right, show her in."
Tiana barely waited for the door to the Amyrlin's Study to close behind her before starting off. Sheriam looked at her disapprovingly but the Grey did not even notice. "Mother, you have to do something about Sjani! I have a novice who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to use the One Power to sweep the floor or to heat the water, and whose idea of novice exercises includes blowing up large rocks. Then when I put a stop to it, Sjani goes on teaching her regardless and tries to give me all kinds of rubbish about the Last Battle."
"Rubbish?", the Amyrlin asked calmly.
Tiana was clearly caught unawares by the Amyrlin's reaction, and she looked at Sheriam, who also looked as calmly as ever. "You knew," she said accusingly.
"Not in all detail, but I had a general idea," the Amyrlin said.
"Other novices are trying to pick up her habits at chore time, and are asking her to show them the weaves, you have to put a stop to this!" Tiana exclaimed.
The Amyrlin sighed. "Daughter, I have heard those words a lot this past week, and most of it has to do with those coming from the Black Tower. Asha'man are coming and going all day long, and most sisters who are strong enough to learn are Travelling the other way so much I could as well open a Gateway and tie it off. Mikhael has for all practical purposes moved into the Green's quarters, Gabrelle can never be found, and then Beyaelle drops in just long enough to announce she is moving out and starts packing her things. Do you have any idea how many of those who were Reds were in here then, demanding I stop her from leaving? I do not know what reasons I could give to hold a full Aes Sedai in the Tower against her will, but they demanded I stop her just the same. At least she had the sense to come alone, without her Asha'man, or there would have been a riot." She let out another sigh. "I am not fully comfortable with everything that has been happening either, but things are changing. I could put a stop to some of these, but I am not sure if I should, for I can not stop the Wheel from turning."
"All of these are full Aes Sedai and, and those men," Tiana sounded exasperated, then glanced quickly at Sheriam, who did not react. "But Sjani is directly interfering with my authority. You can not allow that to continue."
"I will speak to Sjani and tell her to not go against your authority again," the Amyrlin promised.
Tiana opened her mouth to thank her, then halted as she clearly felt a major 'but' coming.
"But the lessons will continue and the channeling for chores will be allowed. For all novices," the Amyrlin went on.
Tiana stared at her in shock. "You can not be serious, you can not do that."
"I can and I will," the Amyrlin replied. "If anything, I have waited too long with this already."
The Grey gasped. "What Sjani does is totally irresponsible, it is dangerous to push anyone so hard."
"I was pushed as hard," the Amyrlin said. "The Wheel will not wait until we are good and ready, there is not much time left until the Last Battle and the more channelers I have who can handle themselves in a battle, the better."
"Has Sjani spoken with you?" Tiana asked.
"No, she has not," the Amyrlin answered truthfully.
In fact, it had been Lord Bryne, now Captain General of the Tower Guard, who had pressed for all of those who could handle enough of the One Power to learn offensive and defensive weaves, whether Aes Sedai, Accepted or novice, and Jahar had supported him. Gareth Bryne often spoke with Jahar since he was the only one who had actually been in a battle where both sides fought with the Power, at the Wells, and in Altara against the Seanchan. In the siege at the Tower they had Travelled in, and used the One Power to block off the harbours, but only a little Saidar had been used in actual combat. Furthermore, there had been disturbing reports earlier that week when Jahar had gone to Cairhien. Damer and Corele had Travelled extensively across the south, in Altara, Amadicia, Tarabon and even as far north as Murandy and Ghealdan. The Seanchan were spread far and wide, and while they had not been able to get actually into any Seanchan camps, there seemed to be a great number of damane just about everywhere.
"There will be several measures taken to ensure the safety of the Tower in case of a Seanchan attack and in the Last Battle," Sheriam said smoothly. She wasn't any happier about it, and a year ago she, too, would have tried to hold on to the old ways. But the events since then had taught her that it ignoring or denying those things she did not like did not make them go away.
"If the situation is that dire, then I have no choice but to follow your orders, Mother," Tiana said reluctantly. "But I do not like it."
"Noted, daughter, noted," the Amyrlin replied.
Sheriam had her own reasons for being uneasy about the sisters and Asha'man Travelling between the Towers. Their involuntary bond reminded her of what she would have to do. It had only been a very short time since she had bonded Jahar, but in those weeks she had come to depend on him more than she could ever have thought. Even though it had been such a brief time, she no longer felt the emptiness in him. Sometimes there were brief flashes of hurt or anger, but nothing like it had been at first, and the most dangerous spells of indifference were completely gone. Perhaps it was because he could channel that he had been able to get over Merise's death so quickly, and also he had been bonded to her for such a short while.
Myrelle had explained she believed the bond grew over time. Of course, the initial waves formed the bond itself, and the effects would be felt from that very moment on if the bond was broken, but she believed the normal feelings and emotions that any two people who lived and worked close together built up between them were somehow intertwined into the bond itself, the result being much more than just the sum of bond and non-Power relationship. One of her two Warders she had saved, Nuhel, had been bonded for only two years, and he had been much quicker to adjust than Avar, who had been with his first sister for nearly eighteen. Sheriam herself had never before been so deeply aware of the workings of the bond itself.
Whatever the reasons, the fact remained that Jahar no longer needed her bond to survive, and while she'd had no other choice at the time she had still bonded him without being able to ask. Soon she would have to make him an offer she hoped with all her heart he would refuse.
She finally spoke to him the evening after Tiana's visit.
"Jahar, I have to talk to you about something," she started.
He looked at her, concerned, feeling her uneasiness. Light, he would not need the bond to notice she was nervous, she knew she sounded it. "What is wrong?" he asked softly.
"Nothing is wrong," she said carefully. "In fact, quite the opposite." She still fidgeted, trying to find the right words. Of course she thought she knew what his answer would be, but hope could play tricks on the mind, even as an Aes Sedai, and besides she would have to ask no matter what.
"When you came here, I had to bond you. Several sisters wanted to get a Green, but I never regretted taking your bond myself, and I never will. I've come to depend on you more than I would care to admit to anyone else," she continued. "But I could not ask you at the time, and no matter what the circumstances I do not approve of bonding without permission. You no longer need my bond to survive, I can ask you now. If you want me to, I will release you of your bond." There, she had said it.
Jahar looked at her silently for what seemed like forever but probably was only a few moments. "Thank you, it means a lot to me that you give me the choice," he replied seriously. "But I am your Warder now, Sheriam, I will not leave you."
Sheriam had not known she was holding her breath until she let it out then. She laughed a relieved smile and saw her happiness reflected in his dark eyes. "You don't know how much I had hoped you would say that," she said sincerely, relief flooding through her. As he returned her smile she thought she could actually feel the bond change as their feelings of trust and mutual respect settled into the weaves itself.