Scene 12: No More Stephen Bradley and More Threats.
Cut back to Ass and Ex on set. Ass, Ex, Stephen and Jen are there. Stephen is sitting on the ground with a large metal fork.
Stephen: Hey Ass, you don't happen to have a safety switch installed do you?
Ass: Hell no.
Stephen: Good. Stephen slowly pushes the fork to the socket. He hits it. Nothing happens.
Stephen: Oh no! It's too big! Damn it!
Ex: Stephen! Get over here now!
Stephen comes over.
Ex: Right, we're going to film Mavis's death scene now so. Hey! Where's the killer?
Billy (As killer): Oh sorry. Coming.
Killer: Coming.
Ex: Whoa, hang on there's too many. 1, 2. 2 killers! The script only calls for one so (He thinks) One of you has to leave.
The killer comes forward.
Ex: What are you doing?
The killer continues forward and stabs Stephen.
Stephen: Ahh! What the hell?
The killer tries to stab again but Stephen whacks away his arm. Stephen starts running the killer follows.
Ass: Oh no. Stephen's going to be killed.
Ex: Eh.
Ass: He's the only one who can use the fake blood!
Ex jumps up.
Ex: Come on.
They follow him. Stephen is still running. The killer catches up.
Stephen: Please, please, I don't want to die! Oh wait, yes I do! Stab away!
The killer starts stabbing Stephen. Stephen is cheering.
Ass: Noooo!
Ass tackles the killer. Ex grabs his knife. The killer shoves him off and bolts away.
Ex: Stephen, Stephen speak to me. Ass: We're too late.
Stephen's body is motionless. (Or so we believe) Cut to a fire. A whole wad of papers is thrown in. We zoom out and it was Brendan.
Brendan: Uh-oh.
Cut to Brendan talking to Ass and Ex.
Brendan: Sometimes something explodes in my brain, and I just have to chuck something in the fire, and last time it was our script so nobody can practice their lines.
Ass: Don't worry, we got some more in the car. Come on Ex. Oh and next time take your anger out on something other than our scripts. Please.
Brendan: Sorry.
Ass and Ex leave. Brendan starts to get angry. He goes to grab something. He comes back holding Scott who is squirming trying to get away. He nears the fire. Cut to Ass and Ex outside. Ex grabs his keys and nears the car.
Ass: I'm going to go for a smoke.
Ex: Ass, don't you know, smoking kills.
Ass: Ex, smoking's no more dangerous than drunk driving.
Ex: Oh ok.
Ass wanders off into the garden. He steps onto Gwyneth's body covered in sticky tape, he looks around to see where the crinkling noise is coming from. He walks off it.
Ass: Hmm.
He drops his lighter.
Ass: Oh.
Cut back to Ex. He opens the boot. Max's dead body is in there. He screams and closes the boot.
Ex: Ass, Ass.
Ass: What?
Ex: There's a body, in the boot.
Ass: Did you run someone over again?
Ex: No! They run back to the car. Ex opens the boot. Nothing is there.
Ex: But, he was right here.
Ass: Sure he was.
Ex: No it was.
Ass: I'm going back inside. Grab the scripts.
Ass gets to the door. There is a picture in the door. It is of their car and reads: I KNOW! Ass picks it up.
Ass: What the hell is that?
It turns out he is holding it upside down.
Ass: Hey Ex come see this.
Ex comes and is also looking at the picture.
Ex: What is that?
Ass: Beats me! And what does IMONKI mean.
Ex: Maybe it's some sort of code.
Ass: It looks like a boat.
Ex: Hang on, IMONKI's a new brand of boats isn't it?
Ass: Ah. Maybe.
Ex: This is an ad. Junk mail! I thought the sign would warn them off.
He points to a sigh which reads: NO JUNKMAIL. OR ELSE!
Ass: I guess tomorrow I'll have to bring my shotgun outside. Maybe the postman will listen to that!
Ex: You do that. But I'd better go get the scripts.
Ex goes back to the car. He opens the boot again. The body is there. He closes the boot and opens it again. The body is gone. He feels the boot surface.
Ex: Hmmm.
He grabs the scripts and goes inside. Ex enters.
Ex: Who wants a script? Extra cheese, no anchovies. Brendan: Chuck 'em down here.
Ex chucks them to Brendan. They all land in the fire.
Ex: Oh.
Ex leaves. Ass turns on the radio.
Radio DJ: And that was Christina Aguilera with his new single "Could I Get Any Sluttier?" (A bell is heard) Well listeners, you know what that means. It's time for our "Send me away from this crap-hole" competition. We will now call a random number and if that person can answer one simple travel question we will send them to a beautiful tropical island in the South- Pacific. We're calling someone now.
Ass's phone ring.
Ass: Hello.
Killer: Hello Ass. You're going to die.
Ass: Is this the radio station?
Killer: No.
Ass: Sorry I have to keep the line free.
Ass puts the phone down and it rings again. Ass answers it.
Ass: Hello.
DJ: Hello lucky listener. Do you know who this is?
Ass: Archie from 101.234563567 radio station.
DJ: That's right. Are you ready for the question which may send you on a luxury holiday?
Ass: Yes. Yes I am.
Ex: Who you talking to?
Ass: Archie.
Ex: The Send me away from this crap-hole competition?
Ass: Ah-huh.
DJ: You still there Ass?
Ass: Yes. DJ: Good. Now here's your question. What is the capital city of Brazil?
Ass: Oh I know this. (Ex grabs an atlas)
DJ: You have 5 seconds to answer.
Ex: It's Rio De Janeiro isn't it?
Ass: Yeah I think so.
DJ: Time's up Ex. You got an answer?
Ass: Yep. Rio de Janeiro?
DJ: That is. correct you're on your way to holiday for you and one friend on an island in.
Ex: Hey, look it's not Rio de Janeiro! It's Brasilia! That capital of Brazil is Brasilia.
Ass: Oh. I'm sorry. You've made a mistake. I got the question wrong. The correct answer is Brasilia. Yeah not Rio.
DJ: Ah, no that's alright we'll take your answer.
Ass: But that wouldn't be fair to the other listeners (Ass hangs up)
Ex: Damn it! We were so close!
Cut back to Ass and Ex on set. Ass, Ex, Stephen and Jen are there. Stephen is sitting on the ground with a large metal fork.
Stephen: Hey Ass, you don't happen to have a safety switch installed do you?
Ass: Hell no.
Stephen: Good. Stephen slowly pushes the fork to the socket. He hits it. Nothing happens.
Stephen: Oh no! It's too big! Damn it!
Ex: Stephen! Get over here now!
Stephen comes over.
Ex: Right, we're going to film Mavis's death scene now so. Hey! Where's the killer?
Billy (As killer): Oh sorry. Coming.
Killer: Coming.
Ex: Whoa, hang on there's too many. 1, 2. 2 killers! The script only calls for one so (He thinks) One of you has to leave.
The killer comes forward.
Ex: What are you doing?
The killer continues forward and stabs Stephen.
Stephen: Ahh! What the hell?
The killer tries to stab again but Stephen whacks away his arm. Stephen starts running the killer follows.
Ass: Oh no. Stephen's going to be killed.
Ex: Eh.
Ass: He's the only one who can use the fake blood!
Ex jumps up.
Ex: Come on.
They follow him. Stephen is still running. The killer catches up.
Stephen: Please, please, I don't want to die! Oh wait, yes I do! Stab away!
The killer starts stabbing Stephen. Stephen is cheering.
Ass: Noooo!
Ass tackles the killer. Ex grabs his knife. The killer shoves him off and bolts away.
Ex: Stephen, Stephen speak to me. Ass: We're too late.
Stephen's body is motionless. (Or so we believe) Cut to a fire. A whole wad of papers is thrown in. We zoom out and it was Brendan.
Brendan: Uh-oh.
Cut to Brendan talking to Ass and Ex.
Brendan: Sometimes something explodes in my brain, and I just have to chuck something in the fire, and last time it was our script so nobody can practice their lines.
Ass: Don't worry, we got some more in the car. Come on Ex. Oh and next time take your anger out on something other than our scripts. Please.
Brendan: Sorry.
Ass and Ex leave. Brendan starts to get angry. He goes to grab something. He comes back holding Scott who is squirming trying to get away. He nears the fire. Cut to Ass and Ex outside. Ex grabs his keys and nears the car.
Ass: I'm going to go for a smoke.
Ex: Ass, don't you know, smoking kills.
Ass: Ex, smoking's no more dangerous than drunk driving.
Ex: Oh ok.
Ass wanders off into the garden. He steps onto Gwyneth's body covered in sticky tape, he looks around to see where the crinkling noise is coming from. He walks off it.
Ass: Hmm.
He drops his lighter.
Ass: Oh.
Cut back to Ex. He opens the boot. Max's dead body is in there. He screams and closes the boot.
Ex: Ass, Ass.
Ass: What?
Ex: There's a body, in the boot.
Ass: Did you run someone over again?
Ex: No! They run back to the car. Ex opens the boot. Nothing is there.
Ex: But, he was right here.
Ass: Sure he was.
Ex: No it was.
Ass: I'm going back inside. Grab the scripts.
Ass gets to the door. There is a picture in the door. It is of their car and reads: I KNOW! Ass picks it up.
Ass: What the hell is that?
It turns out he is holding it upside down.
Ass: Hey Ex come see this.
Ex comes and is also looking at the picture.
Ex: What is that?
Ass: Beats me! And what does IMONKI mean.
Ex: Maybe it's some sort of code.
Ass: It looks like a boat.
Ex: Hang on, IMONKI's a new brand of boats isn't it?
Ass: Ah. Maybe.
Ex: This is an ad. Junk mail! I thought the sign would warn them off.
He points to a sigh which reads: NO JUNKMAIL. OR ELSE!
Ass: I guess tomorrow I'll have to bring my shotgun outside. Maybe the postman will listen to that!
Ex: You do that. But I'd better go get the scripts.
Ex goes back to the car. He opens the boot again. The body is there. He closes the boot and opens it again. The body is gone. He feels the boot surface.
Ex: Hmmm.
He grabs the scripts and goes inside. Ex enters.
Ex: Who wants a script? Extra cheese, no anchovies. Brendan: Chuck 'em down here.
Ex chucks them to Brendan. They all land in the fire.
Ex: Oh.
Ex leaves. Ass turns on the radio.
Radio DJ: And that was Christina Aguilera with his new single "Could I Get Any Sluttier?" (A bell is heard) Well listeners, you know what that means. It's time for our "Send me away from this crap-hole" competition. We will now call a random number and if that person can answer one simple travel question we will send them to a beautiful tropical island in the South- Pacific. We're calling someone now.
Ass's phone ring.
Ass: Hello.
Killer: Hello Ass. You're going to die.
Ass: Is this the radio station?
Killer: No.
Ass: Sorry I have to keep the line free.
Ass puts the phone down and it rings again. Ass answers it.
Ass: Hello.
DJ: Hello lucky listener. Do you know who this is?
Ass: Archie from 101.234563567 radio station.
DJ: That's right. Are you ready for the question which may send you on a luxury holiday?
Ass: Yes. Yes I am.
Ex: Who you talking to?
Ass: Archie.
Ex: The Send me away from this crap-hole competition?
Ass: Ah-huh.
DJ: You still there Ass?
Ass: Yes. DJ: Good. Now here's your question. What is the capital city of Brazil?
Ass: Oh I know this. (Ex grabs an atlas)
DJ: You have 5 seconds to answer.
Ex: It's Rio De Janeiro isn't it?
Ass: Yeah I think so.
DJ: Time's up Ex. You got an answer?
Ass: Yep. Rio de Janeiro?
DJ: That is. correct you're on your way to holiday for you and one friend on an island in.
Ex: Hey, look it's not Rio de Janeiro! It's Brasilia! That capital of Brazil is Brasilia.
Ass: Oh. I'm sorry. You've made a mistake. I got the question wrong. The correct answer is Brasilia. Yeah not Rio.
DJ: Ah, no that's alright we'll take your answer.
Ass: But that wouldn't be fair to the other listeners (Ass hangs up)
Ex: Damn it! We were so close!